Sunday, December 30, 2007

New Years Resolutions pt one

New Year's Resolutions...
Part one..
at least.

Clearly this time last year, I was skinny & cute after loosing over 50 lbs.  Now, gaining back 35 lbs I am a failure in maintaining that weight loss.  Well, that is how it feels, & DEFINITELY how it LOOKs.  I look fat.   again.  Damnittohell

The thing is I wanted to become beautiful & fabulous again more than anything.  And I did!  Beauty & Fabulosity were always my claim to fame.  Not much in the scheme of life accomplishments.  But damn, I looked good & therefore felt good! 

And when I had accomplished getting back to being (dare I say it) gorgeous again it felt excellent!  However something was missing.  I think depression still hung over me...  But I'm guessing that may always be in my life. There was still an emptiness there, you know- deep in the pit. 

Being beautiful again, looking 20yrs younger did not bring as much happiness as I had expected.  Plus I missed eating crap & stuffing my gutt - trying to fill up that emptiness I guess.  Gorging delicious food makes me happier than starving & being skinny & perfect.  At the moment, anyway.  Afterwards, of course, comes the guilt & disappointment of failing to maintain weight watcher goals. 

So, this year I'm going to go for more happiness.  I shall become healthier in weightloss endeavors & try not to surrender to sadness so much.  Guess I shall always need to strive to be more positive, I tried that this past year but only seemed to crack the shell of disgruntledness.

And I shall seek more Spirituality.  Just going to church isn't working.  Doris went today & I stayed home.  I was much more Spiritual when I lived in the City.  Meditation, 12 step meetings, a great shrink, massage, chiropractor, acupuncture, Spiritual books as well as church & gospel music had me on a roll.  I think I'll get back to meditation first.

And I definitely will have to clean up my debts.  Not wanting to take money out of  my money market to do so, but got to get that monkey off my back.

And I shall ALWAYS need to be neater & more organized.

This is the first rough draft of my Resolutions for 2008.  I'm sure I shall be able to add on more.  I have 2 days before New Years Eve.  Why is life still so hard?

Saturday, December 29, 2007

The Best Movie!

Went to Curves the past 2 days & WW yesterday.  I am officially back to 175 lbs. 
Whatareyagonadoooo??  Holiday food is too tempting. 

After carefully avoiding cakes & cookies all month I finally got weak & gobbled down both for the past 2 nights.  I felt like crap in the mornings.  I tell ya, SUGAR is poison.  It Really makes me feel like shit.  If you pay attention to your body I'm sure it does the same to you.

Went to 2 movies this evening,
one was EXCELLENT: The Great Debaters!
One was mediocre:  National Treasure.

The Great Debaters was SO Great that everyone should see it.  It was set in the beautiful piney woods of East Texas & Louisiana.  God, it was spectacular scenery!  Just exquisite!  And the acting was so Good. 

It was mainly about racism & prejudice in 1938, & how young black Americans pulled themselves thru that type of violence with a debate team that competed across the country. 

It really got to me because I grew up in Dallas & Richardson Texas, but chose to go to College (Stephen F. Austin) in Nacogdoches, a small East Texas town.  So I knew all the southern beauty & locations in the midst of the ugly truth of hatred against anything non-wasp.

I'm sure it is still that way today if that truth really be told.  No doubt in my mind.  There are still just too many 'good ole boys' & their repressed wifeys all over America, let alone in Marshal Texas where this story specifically took place.  It is a true story set in an all-black (at the time) Wiley College...  And  Nacogdoches was just down the road 'a piece' from Marshall. 

It was so bitter-sweet as I have big memories, growing up there in my freshman, sophomore, junior year of College- till I got in trouble for dancing a with a black student at a school dance & was basically told to leave...( can we say 'kicked OUT?')  It was 1968. I always say 'they shoulda been glad it was a boy!' 

That whole mentality makes my heart ache.  Unfortunately it is alive & well everywhere, not just East Texas - but fageddaboudit... it is blatant there.  still.  Just not so obvious, now that it is supposedly against the law.

This was a beautifully done movie, extremely moving & you might not cry as hard as I did since you didn't grow up there, but the story was poignant beyond belief.  Do yourself a favor & go see The Great Debaters.  Oprah sure outdid herself on this one!

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Merry Christmas

Christmas Eve was almost magical!  The Daughter & Granddaughter did not come by at 100 pm to stay, as promised & decided not to show up until Christmas day at the big family party out in Burlington!  (I had cleaned like a frickin' nut - but Yea!!  We had Xmas Eve alone!)  YES!!!!

So after going to the Christmas Eve watch at church where Doris sang Ave Maria as I accompanied her on the piano (with Bach's Prelude in Well-tempered Clavichord) (didn't make even one mistake for a change!) (ALMOST enjoyed it & smiled a bit...)  we set out for Manhattan after midnight to see the fabulous Christmas lights, the exquisite Tree at Rockefeller Center, & the outrageous Christmas windows at Bergdorf's, SAKS, & Lord& Taylor.  Then of course, we went for the hot dogs around 0200am at Papayas on 6th Ave & 8th St in the VilLAge!
Excellent!  We seem to making this a yearly tradition. 

The next morning, Doris got up & picked up the AWMF at the greyhound bus terminal, & then his sons & brought them home. They had a few hours to visit before we were speeding  down the turnpike to the generous Niece's sprawling home where the aroma from Sis's incomparable cooking lifted us up the minute we hit the front door!  Oh GOD, her food was SO delicious beyond imagination & yes, I went back for 2 more plates of dressing & gravy!

And for the first time all Doris' Children AND Grandchildren showed up along with all the Cousins & Uncles & Aunts!  It truly was wonderful!  Doris was thrilled & in Seventh Heaven with everyone major in her life there.  It was so much fun to watch them all enjoying each other!  It was GREAT & showed me why it was good that she brought the bad son there- for everyone else to love.

This morning the kids enjoyed their father so much, we could hear them laughing & joking in the kitchen while making breakfast.  They were relaxing, watching TV & just being together for the 1st time all year (since last Xmas.)

The oldest grandson had to go to the airport to meet a young girl- friend coming in to visit from London.  Doris & I were getting it together to go meet her & when we went downstairs to leave they were all standing there with their coats & hats on...  I was like, "where is the girl going to sit with everyone in the car?"  Oh well- AWMF had  called his friend  to come pick him up & drive him to the Poconos, so we could just "drop him off at the diner across from his kid's grandfather before we go to the airport."

What an ASS.  He couldn't get thru another night with his adorable sons (19 & 15) & Mother that he only sees ONCE a year before he made his great escape?  He does this EVERY damn year. 

Doris & her grandsons are so used to this behavior that they just sighed away their disappointment & away we went to drop the little darling off as he kissed his mom & sons saying "see ya in a minute!"  Oh just gag me with an elbow.  I,  am SO pissed at the ASSWIPEMOTHERFUCKER for once again hurting Doris & his boys. 

Of course Doris does NOT want me to voice my opinion on the subject as everything has gone well up until now.  But what a fucking schmuck, honest to my JESUS.  If this pompous bastard dropped dead tomorrow I would never miss the selfish cocksucker, nor would I shed any tears.  Well maybe a few just for those left who love him in spite of who & what he is.

So onward to the airport where we waited & waited for this girl's delayed flight from England on British Airways.  I kept trying to take my focus off how the AWMF's behavior was so heinous & enjoy the grand kid's excitement in waiting for their foreign friend.  And it really was SO adorable!  The oldest was SO nervous, he didn't know what to do or say.  He had no plan A, B or C !!

These kids are all so sweet & innocent still.  It's kinda a beautiful thing.  So precious how the oldest lit up when he saw the girl walking down from customs & how she just glowed when she finally saw him after 12 hrs of travel.  They giggled & hugged, I swear it was So damn sweet!!  And did I mention the young lady is absolutely adorable AND beautiful?!  We took her to her hotel & then we all went to Burger King (their choice) before dropping the 3 of them back at the hotel. 

I was a bit worried about leaving them alone there, but they all met at a Salvation Army camp where they worked together & they are all really good, nice kids.  I did later call their mother & inform her that's where they are.  'Kill joy', maybe...  But I would want to know if I were the mother & she seemed cool about it since the younger brother is there with them. 

So, that was Christmas 2007.  Wonderful beyond my expectations!  Screw the dumbbutt looser son, there's nothing I can do about it & everyone was so happy he was there.  Clearly his charm escapes me.  He says he is coming back to help Doris with the plumbing for both sinks (which is desperately needed) in a few days ("in a minute.")  Sure.  Whatever.  We'll see. 

Hope y'all had as great a holiday as I did.  And well, there's always one relative that is so much MORE dysfunctional than others, no?  I just don't know WHAT the damn lesson is that I am supposed tobe learning here from him.  If anyone can see beyond the BS could you please help me figure it out?  Am I just to ignore the mooch, live & let live?  What? 

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Oh yeah, I knew it

D's youngest son (in his fourties) called today & Doris told him she'd send him a bus ticket to come for Xmas.

Oh joy.
Oh rapture.

She's an idiot.  She hasn't paid the gas/electric bill (up to $500.00) yet.  And we owe for garbage pick up too.  Among other things.  This is SO pathetic.  Seriously sad.  I feel bad for her, except that I'm pissed.  He is such a turd.  So I gotta get over it.  He is sickening. 

Sang with Doris' choir at the Christmas service today.  Then went & circled the Greyhound Bus station a bunch of times in the teaming rain while she BOUGHT her grown son a ticket.  I hesitate in writing his real name down here.  Guess I shall just refer to him as ASSWIPEMOTHERFUCKER.

Then went to a Christmas Birthday party at the church parsonage.  Ya know, it was not bad, & the food was great!!!
Party party party party.  When will it all end!?

Saturday, December 22, 2007

So Here We Go

OoooKaaaayyy, here we go...
     Doris' daughter & granddaughter said they are coming to stay on mon AFTERNOON.  Then heard Doris telling a grandson she would come get him  Xmas day.  I know we are also getting 2 other grandsons that day.  Did I ever mention her new car is SMALL?  And our house is miniscule?  Whatever.  I am going to just sit back & watch Doris arrange all this insanity & try not to panic.  Oh, God.
She's still trying to get ahold  of her younger (44) son.  Can't stand him.  I hope we never hear from him again. 
Yeah, right.  Like I'd be that lucky.  Maybe he can sleep outside if he comes.  Or better still maybe he'll just stay in Detroit where he dwells off of some stupid woman.  punk.  This is the only place I can vent - Doris loves him dearly.  Of course I can't say this to her.

Went to choir practice this afternoon then out to eat at Charlie Browns.  I stuffed my gutt.  It was stupid.  Shit.

I just want to go to SLEEP thru the next 3 days.  One good note, I just found out who I am flying with next month & I love them all!  Thankyou Jesus!

Im gona really have to clean this damn house.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Geese, It's Friday Already!

I am in total denial that Xmas is almost here.  Crap.  I hate not having any money to buy presents or make my yearly photo albums for one & all.  I hate being in debt.  I am very lucky to have Doris, though.  We climbed in bed with a Burger King picnic, watching Wives Murder Club after a full day at the movies again.  We just looked at each other & sighed how lucky we are!  We have each other, our little home, heat, electricity & cable!  Merry Christmas to us!  We don't need no stinkin' presents, ha!  We already got it all.  Of course, a million dollars would be great.  But hey! 

The movies today were so-so.  Saw Charlie Wilson's War.  The cast was great, the political matter such a bore.  Doris kept falling asleep.  Then saw Dewey Cox.  Well, why didn't someone mention it was some sort of silly take-off joke of The Johnny Cash story.  It was lame, but I did laugh a few times.  Whatever, it was just great to be alone with Doris in the dark, chomping on popcorn & sucking up diet coke.

I am getting so many beautiful xmas cards from everybody!!!  I miss sending those out, both the picture cards & the yearly letters. I love all that.  But- gotta conserve the cash.  After all, I gotta have enough to do movies!

Wow, 3 days went by fast

My gosh, thurs is already over.  Saw 2 movies today, I am Legend with Will Smith & The Perfect Holiday with Queen Latifa which was Cute!  We had seen them filming this in Newark at a mall 2 summers ago. 

Yesterday went to a Century 21 Party put on by my real estate agency broker.  Haven't sold for 2 yrs now, but Doris loves to go to his parties.  Actually she likes any party.

Sat next to the young woman whom I had last sold her house, then found her a new house.  She was SO cute & smart & decided to try being a realtor herself!  Guess the experience didn't bother her half as much as it bothered me (got shingles dealing with the buyer's agent who was from my very own office & the folks buying my client's home had so many problems she wouldn't discuss with me, the closing date had to keep being moved back & it affected her closing on the new house & THOSE sellers trying to close on their next home over in Florida, & THEIR agent kept calling me to see what the fucking hold up was & they were going to loose their bid for not closing, plus I was flying 106 hrs that month...)  Well anyway, afterward I said  screw that shit, I ain't doin' it no more.  Maybe after I retire.  Can't juggle both jobs.  And the shingles sucked.  For real. 

Well anyway it was wonderful to see that kid wants to sell houses now & she was so happy to see myself & Doris.  Felt great.  And she's so excited about it, I remember when I felt the same.  Man was it ever a rude awakening for ME, I just wasn't as good as I wanted to be.  And I seriously dislike most real estate agents.  Can't frickin' stand the bitches.  You know when you'd rather fly than sell houses, something is WRONG.  At least Flight Attendants are NICE.  usually. 

I fell down the last 2 steps last night going downstairs to the kitchen.  Thought I was on the last step, but nooo...  CRASH! bang, yeowwww!  Thank God, Goddess Universe I didn't break my ankle/foot/leg, I just seem to be sprained & sore.  Soaked in the tub.  Needed a bath anyway.  What the hell.  I am SO LUCKY & GRATEFUL for sure & have been thanking God all day.  ThankYou, thankYou, thankYou GOD!  This is the best Christmas present ever, THANKYOU!  At 60yrs old I worry about havingbrittle bones.  (Maybe all that damn ice cream I gulped down the whole summer gave me extra calcium.  ha!)

Monday, December 17, 2007

Vacation, Yea!!!

Yikes, I just finished flying 8 out of 10 days to get some overtime to add to my measley vacation pay & now I am off till the end of the month!  Of course, vacation in Dec is never a real vacation because of all the holiday (family) angst, however I can't imagine working a full month during Christmas/New Years. 

So far we went to one party which was fun because it was mainly GAY !!!!!  With NO KIDS!!  What a treat!  But since I had flown in from lax that night we went home by 0100 am.  Doris actually wanted to stay longer.  I am always the one who wants to go home first no matter where we go.  Just ain't no place like it.  Esp when I'm gone so often.

Then next day we both took a 3 (THREE) hour nap!!  Yep yep, I am one exciting woman.

After that, the snow/ice storm started on into this morning.  So we stayed in today (yep played hooky from church!)  I shoveled half the driveway, that was some heavy, wet snow, thank God it wasn't that deep!  Took a hot bath, got back into bed & took another 3 hr nap!  Dang, I am tired.  Doris cooked a fabulous Sunday dinner & I ate everything!  (big surprise.)  Then a night of TV in bed !  I am happy.  Ahhh, contentment. 

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Time Sure Flies When You're Having Fun

Wow, it's taking me longer & longer to update the ole blog. 

Thanksgiving was wonderful!  So perfect.  Very few family members compared to the past.  Only about 9 & it was so peaceful.  I didn't overeat too badly.  Had lost 1 whole lb the week before so thank God I had the sugar & carbs under more control!  Yesterday at WW I'd only gained .2 lbs (that's point .2 !) which shocked me because I really did eat aLOT!  I guess the sugar really does put it on fast not to mention makes me feel like shit...  So glad to have more control over it.  It is such a drug.  Carbs too - since that all turns to sugar.  I had 4 whole days off so it felt like a vacation! 

Saw 3 great movies!
Why Did I Get Married? -  Halarious & great!
American Gangster - Great!
This Christmas - Fun & really good.
Always eat that "butter" popcorn.  Can't give that up yet.

Had Doris all to myself & it was SO excellent!
No children or grandchildren came.  yea!
But of course that just means they'll all be here for Christmas.  Oh joy.

Flying, flying, flying!  Alot.  And still not making enough money.  Damn Sam.  It's been hell since 9/11 when they cut our pay in half to avoid bankruptcy.  Fuckers.  Of course management is walking of with giant raises after all this time since WE kept us all above drowning.  Management sucks.  The little people always get screwed.  And without us, we ALL would have gone down.  AssWipe MotherFuckers.  Im so sick of working SO hard & being so broke. 

Doris had a beautiful silver GMC Envoy.  Her lease was up & she could have bought it off for $19,000 but her credit scores have taken a dive with all the credit card debt.  So she needed a co-signer.  I said NO, I can't do it.  It was sad & I felt bad.  Plus I loved that car, it was so smooth & comfortable.  Well, they they wouldn't finance her Envoy but dont' ya know they DID finance a NEW, white 08 Pontiac G6 four door.  Is that not fucked???  We really wanted the Envoy, but Doris is now driving a sporty little G6 hot of the press.  So wierd.  Life is strange.

Now I gotta put on the navy blue monkey suit & head out to the airport.  Lookin' forward to it.  NOT!!  ha!  No, it's all good.  I've had great passengers AND Flight Attendants to work with lately.
I am blessed.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

October 24, 1968

Oct 24th I start my 40th year of flying.  So 39 years ago I was 21yrs old, just stepping out of a cab onto 14th st/ 5th av ready & chomping at the bit to start my new Stewardess career in NYC!  There were 8 of us moving into that 2 bdrm apt near Union Square, but the more the merrier at that age.  Besides, we wouldn't all be there at the same time zooming all over creation on our exciting adventures... at least that's what we thought in the beginning.  That got old fast & within a year 5 of us moved across the street to another 2 bedrm better apt.  Then soon one got married, one got fired for sleeping too late & missing 3 sign-ins, & two got fired for shoplifting at Macy's in SFO on a layover.  That was a shock. 

After that I became like a dorm mother renting to NYU college film students (girls of course) until I finally moved out & then in with this fucker Charlie whom I thought was the most wonderful man in the world.  Lived with him for 6 yrs weaving in & out of jealous rages when he wanted other women, then really had to face that I had always wanted women, too. 

Went thru a group of lovelies over the next few years until I found Doris, ran after her till she caught me & have stayed for 26 years now.  Usually I feel lucky & blessed to be with the gorgeous woman of my dreams.  Now & then I feel like we're both nuts to keep trying to make it work.  It's never easy, except for the times it is wonderful which then I wonder why I ever worry.  One thing for sure, when I am away on a flight I miss her madly & feel a serious need to hear her sweet voice.  She is my other half & I would be miserable with out her.

So here I am, 39 yrs after hitting the East coast, now in NJ looking back over all the growing pains - the good times along with the bad...  How in the hell is it that at 60 yrs old I am still going thru more growing pains?  Like doesn't it ever end??? 

I'm still out of control with food.  Chocolate...  Loving it too much to stop gorging.  damn.  Here I think I seriously need anti-depressants, but what a surprise after years of not touching chocolate to be reminded of what glorious mood altering seems to happen in my psyche - how happy I suddenly feel once I start chomping away on stacks of huge Hershey bars - actually any chocolate will do... only to over & over again realize that I simply CAN NOT STOP until I run out.  Like ANY drug or addiction, it's all I think about throughout the day, just waiting for the night to settle in so I can curl up on the couch downstairs after D is asleep & gorge to my content.   sigh. 

Obviously I'm getting fat again.  It's like I don't care anymore.  Except I do.  I liked the way I looked in the size 8's alot better than how I now look in size 14/16's again.  fuck.  Went to WW today & just cried.  My leader said Kathy you can do it.  I know I can, I've done it before.  I just have to get back to wanting to.  Very hard to give up all the crap for healthy food.  damn it. 

Well, flying out to lax tomorrow again.  The fires are so frightening from the air.  Bright orange flames from Malibu all the way to San Diego.  It's horrible.  Compared to those poor people I have no problems, & no good reason to whine or complain.

Friday, October 05, 2007

Still Gaining Weight Back

Well, I've gained back up to 20 lbs now..probably.  Didn't get on the fucking scale at WW tonight because I snuck in so I wouldn't have to pay. 

I've conqered the damn ICE CREAM habit (the cooler weather has helped,) but now I've marched on full throtle to the dreaded CHOCOLATE jones.  Those hot, fresh baked chocolate chip cookies we cook onboard have suddenly become impossible to resist. 

I actually went out & BOUGHT Milky Ways & Hershey Bars last night & today, then ate them on the sly in the car.  Real addict behavior.  Maybe I'd better just get my ass to an AA meeting, because if I'm spiriling out of control with food/sugar/chocolate it could surely be a red flag that more addictions are coming....  Of course all this fucking Halloween candy on sale everywhere doesn't help. 

Whatever, it's all excuses.  waaa, waaa, waaa...  What a fucking pathetic baby I turn into with addict behavior, so unlike my regular strong, stable bitchwoman I usually bring to the forefront & present to the world.  I guess I've lost it inside of the big, mooshy beachball I feel in my lap when I bend over to
TIE MY SNEAKERS.  It's really obvious, (I've had to put back on my old fat pants at work) & my gutt is so big again that it raises up the cuffs so it looks like I'm EXPECTING A DAMN FLOOD & you can see my whiteass ankles above my scuffed up navy blue clogs.  Lovely.  Just great.  I'm just so purtty with my jowels (back again from the extra weight,) just a swingin' in the FUCKING BREEZE.  shit.  Oh!  And did I mention that D & I have gotten into a bit of a McDONALDS habit of Big Macs, Fries & a med coke???  Other wise known as a #1 at the drive thru window? sigh.  (ps: YUM! damn it.)

Well all this is boring, but I am writing it down to try to face it.  And in the future when I DO finally get my stinkin' thinkin' under control I can look back & REFLECT upon what the hell happened because right now it's a bit of a blur.  That's how it is when one reaches the spiriling down effect in the midst of acting out addictions.  Shit Fuck Piss.  Hate admitting this, I feel so much shame & it's painful. On the other hand, I still can function & go to work, can live, laugh & love.  Okay.  Forward ho!

Monday, September 17, 2007

It's getting cold

Dang.  It's COLD.  I had to put on shoes & SOCKS this weekend, sandals made my feet feel like blocks of ice.  I hate having to give up sandals.  Doris didn't want to go to the shore, said it was too windy & cold down there.  She was probably right but I still wanted to go,  Oh well.

SO, we went to the movies.  Saw The Brave One with Jodie Foster.  WOW!  That is one fine dyke!  What a great flick.  Loved it!  What a great fantasy to just go around blowing assholes off the face of the earth. 

Then saw The Borne Ultimatum with Matt Damon...  Lots of action, but more Doris' style.

Then snuck into Super Bad, but D couldn't take even 5 minutes of it so we left.  It was sorta lame. 

Of course I ate the delicious butter popcorn!  Dang, it smells so GOOD when you walk into the fricking theater, every time! 

But I HAVE been off ICE CREAM  for 5 days now.  Oh the Jones, the yearning!!  Gotta put it down.  Miss it.  Want it.  But I got fat again.

It's official, I gained 15 lbs above my WW limit.  And you know, it crept on so FAST; June, July, August.  POW!  Looking 4 mos pregnant here.  Damn. 
Note to self:  Loosing 50lbs & looking great doesn't take away depression. 

Here's the thing.  I have to work 2 more years before I get to retire.  I just do, but it makes me morose.  Anyway....  I can go through 2 years & watch food & portions & stay relatively healthy...  OR I can just say fuck it, like I did this summer, eat everything I want & look like a damn blob when I finally retire.  hmmmm.

15 lbs isn't so much, though I can't imagine how long it will take to loose it this time.  I don't like feeling "buttjiggle" when I run a short distance.  I don't like feeling SO tired.  Since it took a year to loose 50 lbs before, it seemed so slow that I never realized I felt better.   Just  15 extra lbs & I definately feel like shit.  (Of course it  COULD  have something to do with all that  SUGAR  (poison) I have ingested.)  Not to mention, I feel 'weezy' when I lie down. 

So time to get a grip. 
Time to fly out.

Friday, August 31, 2007

Last Day of August

I'm holding on to today with all my might, I can't stand to see August go.  I LOVE SUMMER.  And this has been the best summer even tho' I've been working so much.  Doris & I have gone to the beach aLOT & we've spent the whole summer alone without children, grandchildren or family.  YEA!  Very special.  The grandkids are older now & have their own lives to live, so that is wonderful!  They are great kids, but it is just more romantic alone!  I still dig the romance thing... 

Also this summer I have been eating ice cream, cookies & BBQ!!!  It has been so fun, honest to God I got so sick of just focusing on healthy food.  Seriously, it's SO fucking boring.  However, I've now gained around 15 lbs back (didnt get on the scale at WW yesterday, knew it would be bad.)  So it's stupid I let myself go crazy with food, but it was fun I gotta admit.  So okay September is a new month.  Time to get a grip. 

Also once the weather stops being so swealteringly hot & sunny, and our trips to the BEACH slow down, I'll be back into the blogs.  I do miss reading everyone's journals & commenting, but there are so few hours away from work in the summertime! 

Speaking of work, I gotta get ready to fly to LA.  Bummer that it is a fri/sat trip, but it's the only way I could get Labor Day off.  Doris is hoping her family will have a big end of summer bbq, she DOES miss spending time with them & even I think it would be fun.  I had her for the whole summer, so now it's back to the family.  Soon enough it will be Thanksgiving & Christmas (OH LORDIE!) & all the family gatherings.  Sometimes you just need to get away from all the drama.  It's been swell!

Summer's going, boo hoo hoo.  Time for work.
See yas.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Summer is Zooming by

Oh my GOSH, almost a month since my last entry.  Summer is zooming by, I can barely stand to think it will be over so soon.  Flights are jammed packed & I am flying my butt off, making that overtime.

Just an observance:  People are NUTS!

I've put on 10 lbs, just pissed I have to work so hard.  I want ice cream, it's summer for Crise sake...  Dammit.  I'm sick of dieting, had to pay at WW for being over my max.  But I still go.  I must get a grip & I will.  Soon I hope.

Been flying 2days on 1 day off, feel like I've been on a marry-g-round.  Take that one day & go to the shore with Doris in the RV!  So  soothing there!  love it!  Love summer.  Don't get around to blogging on my days off because I'm living life here!  It's been great, no kids, grandkids or family, just Doris & I!!!!! 
You KNOW that's my favorite type of life!!
My Baby & me!!!
oh YEAH!

Have 2 whole days off for a change, going to brunch at Perkins, then maybe back to the beach!!  Nature is pure beauty!

Thursday, July 26, 2007


Miracles are always abundant, I just have to slow down to notice sometimes.  It also helps to appreciate where I am & what I do have today as opposed to what I want & where I think I should be. 

I have never been good with patience.  One would think that I had practiced it enough in 60 yrs of life.  I guess the problem is "practice" is just not one of my life habits...  Except by way of the result of "practicing impatience" just never really works, trying to push for faster reality to hurry up & be the way I want instead of letting go & accepting how it is until the change has suddenly occured while I was living life one day at a time.  So simple, really.  But I make it hard for myself by forgetting that. 

I just want "it all" now... You know, everything.  I want everything NOW & by God I think I deserve to have it all by now.  Hmmmm.  Well that's just not my fate's agenda, I still have much work to do, more lessons to go thru & a ton more to learn. sigh.  Damn.  Does it ever get easier?  Probably not. 

Well it DOES, I just tend to forget how hard/bad things really used to be back in my youth.  I'm rambling so I'll stop now & get on with what I meant to write about.

On 7/17th Doris & I celebrated 26 years!  It was a beautiful day complete with sleeping in, flowers, balloons, mushy meaningful cards, small, matching gold rose necklaces (rather erotic) & a day at the shore with our RV!  It was wonderful & so relaxing - just what I needed after a trip of grueling flying & having to fly out again the next day. 

We talked about how lucky we are to have found each other 26 yrs ago & how many changes we have gone thru, noting how much has still stayed the same.  I waded thru the water along the beach & felt renewed.  It was too cold to go into the waves even though the sun was shining high in a deep blue sky of wafting clouds.  Doris sat up on the boardwalk in our blue canvas chairs with the built in sun canopys peering thru her binoculars.

These 'mini vacations' are regenerating & the peace of the Ocean so calming.  I love my sweet, beautiful Doris more than anything or anyone.  I am so happy to be blessed with 26 years together!  I am such a lucky woman.

And so is she.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

2 Weeks Later

Good grief, it's been 2 weeks since my last entry.  I've flown 3 trips since my buddie's last retirement trip, which was bitter sweet.  I think I'm REALLY ANGRY & I feel left behind somehow.

Of course, it's my own damn fault (well, & Doris' fault too) that my financial situation is basically fucked & I have to keep working.  Mainly really Doris' fault.  My credit card bills are not insurmountable, I can pay them (there are only 3) slowly.  D's, well forget it.  Don't really see a light at the end of that tunnel.  We just don't answer the phone when creditors call. 

Our 26 yr anniversary is coming up fast & I had wanted to get legally hitched on that date, but am too afraid I shall then be responsible for her bills if something should happen to her.  For sure they could take the house as both our names are on the deed whether we get civilized or not.  It's sad.

I have been eating again, shoving down feelings with food, but AT LEAST I have not gone back to chocolate, ice cream, cookies & sugar.  Am doing carbs, bread & too big portions.  I shall stop this too.  Dammit.  And I gotta start exercising again, but it's too swelteringly hot, plus I'm cranky & tired.

Okay now you see why I haven't written.  bitch bitch bitch.  sigh.

I flew back last night with huge, long gate holds & delays due to weather & got in around 0300a.  I'll be better when I get more sleep.  Also I'm going to WW tonight even tho' I KNOW I'll be over my weight limit &  therefore have to pay for the meeting.  Whatever.  Life goes on.

Okay, WW went okay, great in fact..  I lost .8 of a lb.  YEA!  that's almost a lb.  phew!  Didn't have to pay after all!  Well, I'm in a better mood, now!

Friday, June 29, 2007

Last Trip With Parilyn (Pam & Marilyn)

Okay, I've been off chocolate, ice cream, cookies & candy for a week. I do feel better (damn, that shit makes me dull & stupid...) but I only lost .2 of a lb at Weight Watchers weigh in yesterday.  Well, I was happy that at least I lost SOMEthing AND I got off the junk.  Man, sugar is SUCH a drug.  I want it.  At least I got a bit of a grip back, & well, practice makes perfect.

Tomorrow is the last flight I'll be taking with my flying partners that I triple buddy bid with.  It's bitter sweet.  I sure will miss those crazy bitches!  I'm dreading saying goodbye on sat night when we land back at Newark.  They won't let anyone give them a party, but I know some Flight Attendants have put up a banner for them in operations & 2 journals are being passed around for all to write comments & their fond farewells.  I bought Pam a ton of dark chocolate (she's a chocoholic!)  I bought Marilyn a ton of red wine (she's a ..well, nevermind.. she thinks we don't know.)  Of course, I got funny cards.  This is going to be really hard.  Maybe I'll be better after they're gone & all this is over with.  But I still sure feel sorry for myself that I can't join them, ESP since I'm  a year plus senior to them both. 

Since I last wrote, 2 of Doris' grandsons have graduated High School.  I was in town for only one of their commencements, but I cried when I saw him marching into the auditorium in his blue robe & tossel cap.  Of course I took a ton of pictures.  I was SO proud & it is aways such a miracle! 

I remember back when I graduated high school, wow.  You never again feel that happy or brilliant EVER!  It's such a wonderful time.  So sad to loose that sweetness & naivete. And that feeling that the world is your oyster!  Well, actually being naive wasn't so great.  But I sure as hell am not that sweet anymore.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Out Of Control

I am gaining weight.  I am eating deserts, more to the point, ice cream & chocolate.  Even worse, tons of it; once I start I can't stop.  I have no fucking will power.  I did so well in loosing 52lbs with Weight Watchers, but I find maintaining that is harder even than trying to loose.  I have to get a grip & just stop.  Shut my trap & eat only healthy foods.  It gets so boring.

Here's the thing.  My 2 flying partners are retiring at the end of this month when the last one turns 60.  I can not afford to retire.  I feel so envious, jealous, once again like a failure.  I feel like all I do is fly my ass off, picking up extra trips for overtime trying to make ends meet.  It's really hard.  I try to be grateful that I have a job I like with people I love to work with (who are NOW leaving) & that I'm lucky!  But with Doris already retired 2years, not getting an extra job & she has so much credit card debt & not enough income from social security & retirement- I'm knocking myself out trying to hold it together. 

I am planning to hang in there for 2 more years until I'm 62 & can collect social security in order to suplement retirement & I know that 2 years will pass fast.  But seeing the end so near for my friends, it just seems unending & so unfair. 

On the positive side, there are still a LOT of great FA's to work with & I KNOW there will still be many happy times.  Laughing is the thing that gets us thru these days & trips.  I do see a light at the end of the tunnel. 

So I gotta get a grip here & stop eating crap.  Stop trying to stuff the feelings of anger & pain.  I've done it before, I know I can do it again.  I just have to DO IT.  Addiction is so shameful.  Esp if it's only food.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

The Tony's

I was watching the Tony Awards tonight & when it started "A Chorus Line" was singing & dancing!  I started crying, singing along.  I always feel like SUCH a FAILURE since that is why I became a Stewardess in 68 - to get to NYC, study jazz ballet with Luigi & do Broadway chorus.  That was my huge goal in life. 

As it is, I still struggle to survive all the bad choices I made during my youth, thru out my life.  And unfortunately SEX, DRUGS & DISCO took my eyes off the prize & I've been dealing with the result of addictions since I finally faced them starting 27yrs ago. 

When I tearfully said to Doris "I'm such a Failure..." during one of the show's musical numbers, she said Don't feel bad Kathy, God's been VERY good to you.

She's right.  Case closed.

Not to mention, Doris fell down the steps about 0500am last night & we're SO LUCKY she didn't break anything & seems to be okay!  Phew!  Thank you God.
Scared me to death.

As far as Tony Soprano tonight - WTF???

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Char Margolis

I had a famous Psychic on a flight, Char !
She was so nice, sweet & very high energy with a beautiful, warm smile.  She asked me if my mother's name was Ruth.  I said yes. Does she know I'm sorry?  The lady sitting next to her said yes, all mother's know that about their children.  Char was quiet then said NO!  SHE's the one who's sorry.  You have nothing to feel sorry about.  She was very unhappy & made your life miserable. (tears started falling from my eyes.)  She  was vain & self centered & so narcissistic.  She is VERY sorry.  I said she was very mean.  Then thank you So MUCH, is she okay?  Char nodded yes & said she's okay, but she's about here, (& she held her had below her face) she's working her way up here (& she held her hand above her head.)  She's working it off.  My makeup was getting really messed up from my tears, I said THANK you & walked 3 rows up into the galley to blot my face.  She got up & came by touching my arm saying are you all right?  I said yes, thank you I am so grateful!  She said frowning & shaking her head, your mother was really terrible I'm so sorry you had such a childhood & went towards the lav.  I smiled & said she was difficult.

It was ALL SO COOL!  I felt SO validated.  I Knew I wasn't crazy, people used to act as if I was so wrong when I became jubilent when she died.  It was a good closure.  I am SO LUCKY she gave me that reading!

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Birthday Update

I flew 8 out of 9 days just to get 6 days off for my 60th Birthday!  Note to self:  DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN!!!  I was pooped.  I drug myself into my car in the employee's parking lot & began the long schlep home during rush hour,  These early sign-ins all but killed me this month.  Getting up at 0430 each morning sucked!  Luckily we got the later trip back next month.

As I rounded the corner of my street & drove up to the house, Doris had balloons all over the place & flowers everywhere.  She had the RV in the driveway with the doors open, a "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" banner draped across it & flowers inside with a balloon tied to the middle door!  A happy birthday table cloth cover the side patio table with balloons & flowers.  A Happy Birthday Happy Birthday Happy Birthday banner was strung across the garage with balloons flying in the breeze of the back yard table & Doris was standing there waiting for me!!  I was SO tHRILLED!  I forgot all my troubles from the plane & began celebrating my birthday weekend!  The weather was SO beautiful & I felt special.
     The next day 5/23 (Daddy's birthday!) went to Sears & bought a big Diehard battery for the van.  Then drove to Derricks to give him a birthday card & a $100 bill.  (Doris' oldest child is 48 now!)  He had redone the electricity & wiring when I was flying.  Now he put in freon for the air conditioning.  We then went to a few stores & get some groceries, as we were planning to go to the Poconos the next day for my birthday!

Well the Van wouldn't start & when it finally did, we went straight to Sears to replace the new battery.  Then home where she cooked dinner!  Afterward, when I went to gas up the van & get ice, the damn battery was dead again.  Doris guessed it was the Altinator.  The next day we went to find Derrick & low & behold he & his family was moving, so we helped him.  He would come to our house to put it in the next morning.  We went to get him the next morning, but he had gone to get a truck with Will in South Jersey.  They would drive to our house on the way back in 45 min.  They didnt get there till 500p.  Tried to buy the car part, but it had to be ordered & would come in the next day.  Derrick would come the next morning & fix the motor. 

If all this sounds bad, it was.  But I just went with the flow & felt grateful just to have the time off... not to mention Derrick is so great a fixing cars!  The only time I lost my cool was when we had to go meet Davion to give him money for his prom that night on my birthday.  Doris even told him she'd drive him there that night if he couldnt find a ride.  (He had wanted her to rent a limo for him but she didnt have the money.  Thank God...  But when she said she'd drive him I went ballistic saying that is my birthday night...)  The next day when we met him, he'd found a ride with a friend so I needent have gotten crazy. 

Even though nothing was working out the way I had imagined, I was still groovin' on my birthday.  I didn't worry, I stayed cool, I just enjoyed being with Doris.  We ate at all our favorite restaurants!  It was wonderful to have 6 days off in fabulous weather.  My flying partners had sent me a huge box by FedEx, inside was a huge bag with 60 small presents each individually wrapped in bright colored tissue papers & bows, fabulous cards, a $60 Appleby's card & one left a halarious Happy Birthday song message on the answering machine!  Outrageous!  Others called & emailed!  Doris' cards were beautiful & touching!

 Finally, the 5th day the altenator was fixed!  We hi-tailed it to the Beach!  To Ocean Grove, our favorite!  It was SO fun!  We were both so thrilled to be in our RV at the beach!  You know there is nothing better than driving around with a toilet & a bed!  We went to Nagels & had dinner, then back to our little home on wheels read the newspaper, relaxed on the bed & gazed at the ocean & the people!  Went home that night & drove to NYC the next day & had hot dogs on 8th St.  Came back home & had Barbecue out back.  I had eaten so much all week.  I could barely zip my pants up the next day to go back to work. 

I am 60 now.  I haven't been this happy in a long time. 

On Turning 60

So far 60 is GREAT!!!  It's been 7 days now, haha!

Seriously, the 50's did NOT thrill me. 
It was too chock full of shocking body changes, hot flashes, weight gain & no energy. 
It was one year into the next of frickin' issues & stress, trying to hang on to status quo & convince myself that attempting to age gracefully wasn't the biggest crock of bull pookie Madison Ave ever tried to shove up our (un)consciousness. 

Now with that decade of frenzie & panic,
(all the while telling myself to remain calm & not to scream from the fright of settling reality,
not to mention those woefully painful glances into the f%@king mirror (lest somebody commit me to the nearset asylum for agravated acute screaching banshee syndrome) under my (ever expanding) belt...
I feel that I can now roll peacfully & happily into 60 with a sigh of relief! 

Altho' most women this age have been able to retire I shall try to patiently wait for 2 more years & enjoy the time left with many Flight Attendants I do love working with. 
I am grateful Doris & I are still in good health,
not to mention Fine Silver Foxes entering our "Act III" with a vengeance & suvivor's victory! 
Pass the next issue of AARP, fire up the RV & we'll drive into the sunset of our next adventures!  (With maybe a few naps here & there.  Ha!)

All in all, I am so happy! 
The 60's were really good back when we were living through them into the 1970's...  
I have a feeling being 60 is going to be GREAT as well!!

Sunday, May 13, 2007

An Early Birthday Present!

My birthday is coming up on thursday the 24th!  2 weeks ago we went to a RV show where there were so many beautiful, huge & expensive ($80thou-$300thousand) fabulous motorhomes.  We always wanted one since camping with our vans back in the 80's.  My Mother & her dipshit 2nd husband drove here to visit us when we bought our modest little house 12yrs ago in her brand new ROADTREK & they stayed in the driveway which was GOOD since there was no room inside.  That was SUCH a wonderful & cool RV!  I knew from the moment I stepped inside that I would make it my goal to have one.

So I was complaining to Doris while stepping down from one of a hundred TravelHomes that even the smaller ones were too big.  I wanted one like my Mother's that you can just park in any parking spot, nothing giagantic or too wide.  A woman stepping up into the same RV heard me & said, "We have an '89 ROADTREK we're selling for $5000 with 99,000 miles if you're interested!..."

I could hardly contain my excitement!  I didn't have $5000, but I knew I could borrow from my credit union!  When I  f i n a l l y  saw the RV I was real dissappointed...  The stripes around the outside looked corroded & pale, & the toilet didn't have it's own bathroom with a sink, it was in a closet that you can hang a few clothes in, altho' when you open the door it goes across the aisle to the kitchenette side for privacy.  And the dashboard was just plain metal. 

BUT the double bed in the very back was good & makes into a table & booth if needed!  The polished wood kitchenette in the middle has a sink with running water, 2 burners that run on butane, a microwave & half size refridgerator! (with the toilet/closet across.)  Screens are on the windows, there are 2 captains chairs in front & 2 seats behind with a hole in the floor for a small round table to dine from!  Best of all the upolstry (altho not as nice as my mother's) is PINK velour!!!!!!!!  YAY, PINK!!!  Doris said the engine was good (minor detail.)  And it's only 19ft long.

Soooooooooo...... I bought it!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!   What a good 60th  birthday present to myself!
The credit union loan will take $250/mo from my paycheck which is hard since I'm barely making it from month to month.  Perhaps I shall start sellinghouses again.  I shall definately have to figure out something.  I just knew that I would more than likely NOT find a ROADTREK for $5000 anywhere again!
Good thing I couldn't afford to retire, ha ha!

Doris has been working hard, cleaning it, spiffing it up while I was on my last trip & it looks GREAT!!!  We are excitied!  She hooked up a small 13in TV on the rotating TV table, covered the bed with a pink velour blanket & threw pink pillows around!  I got new plates yesterday & I'm hoping to get the insurance card in time for a little trip on the days off coming up for May 24th!  My favorite day of the year!

Friday, May 04, 2007

Exhausted Again

Landed in turbulence yesterday that was SO bad it shook up my brains again.  Seriously, that's how it feels - not to mention I was SO green, really thought I would throw up... so many psgrs were barfing on the floor, then throwing the blankets over it.  Yuck, think about that next flight you complain you don't have a blanket in your seat! 

I'm worried about work this month because they took away the late lax sign-ins at ewr, hence I have to fly the EARLY trips.  Gotta get up at 0400a ea morning & I am realizing that I may well get sick because my resistance is compromised not getting enough rest.  At any rate, that is just how it is for now so I have to find a way to deal with it!  Because it has been over a year since I had to get up at the crack of dawn, it's unbearable.  But perhaps I'll find a way to get used to it (NOT) since there is no other choice if I don't want to drive over the bridges 3hrs to JFK.  Patience & practice, One day at a time here.

Because I had been on the sick list last month, my paycheck is L O W.  I wish I made more money.  Ah well, don't we all. 

And I'm eating too much.  What the hell is my damn problem, after loosing 52 lbs I am having a hard time maintaining it?  It's hard to not feel sad I can't eat alot more, I feel deprived!  Clearly I am missing something here. 

Why does life always feel like such a struggle, waaa waaa waaaaaaaa. 

Okay enough bitching & feeling sorry for myself.  It's a beautiful day & I have 2 days off.  I'm taking a nap.

I'll be more positive after some rest!

Sunday, April 22, 2007

A Day To Dream

Oh what a Beautiful Sunday!
Sunshine & a warm breeze!
First, Doris went on a bus ride to Pa with the choir & wont be back till 10pm.  I didn't have to go because I am too tired getting in so late last night.  Well, I cOULD have gone, but I don't like the damn bus trips to sing at another church in another state.  It takes the whole damn day.  Thank God D didn't make me feel guilty.  So I stayed in bed, read the Sunday papers & then went to this big victorian house for sale around the corner & just stayed there for 2 hrs checking it out & trying to figure out a way to get it.  There's a lot there that would be great for Doris & I...  but it's raggedy & broken down ,, so it's a big money pit.  sigh.  Plus we're broke.  It's just so pretty on the outside.  But the inside is shot.  I think the lesson to learn here is to be grateful & happy with what you already have!

Now it's almost time for Desperate Housewives & The Sopranos!!!  I LOVE TV!

BTW, I am no longer able to leave comments on blogger.  I don't know why.  It keeps telling me I put in the wrong password, but I don't.  WTF??  I am reading all your blogs, but can no longer comment.  Baffling.  I don't get it.

Oh yeah, had Harry Hamlin on my flight the other night.  My God, he is fucking handsome!  And VERY polite. A nice man.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Feeling Fat Again

Just had 2 days off.  It goes by so fast.  On the last flight I popped the front button off my uniform pants.  Luckily it didn't put out anyone's eye.  Too much laying around for 3 weeks flipping channels, sleeping & no exercise.  Damn.  I HATE EXERCISE,  but I've gained some weight back.  So I got my sluggish butt back to Curves yesterday & today.  And I am starting to track the food I'm eating again.  Summer's almost here.  Gotta get a grip.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Same Song Second Verse

That last trip didn't work out because of a mechanical.  So I picked up another trip to Lax today..  which means I'll be flying 2 2day trips back to back...  sat/sun then mon/tue. 
Oh joy, oh rapture.
Talk at y'all in 4 days.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

So Much For Rest!

Well, so much for rest & no stress...
Cleared the sick list mon night & am flying out tomorrow(thur)!  I'm glad I'm better.  But damn, I sure wish I could afford to retire - the time off was necessary. 

I'm sure Doris is probably happy I'll be going back to work.  Although, we managed to get along really well every minute for 3 weeks in a row - which was the best thing, I know it will be nice to have a hotel room to myself tomorrow night! 

Last night I dreamed I missed my sign in & my supervisor called to wake me up.  BOY was I relieved when I realized it was just a dream.  phew!  The STRESS is back already!

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Another Week Off

So okay, here's the thing.  It seem the virus has gone up into my ears, hence, the dizzyness & keeling over thing.  Went back to the Dr & she said come back in a week.  It's not terrible, but I obviously can't fly with the chance of being dizzy or falling.  Meanwhile, it's really good to REST!  I'm not worried because I am feeling better.  And I am going to start weaning down on the dizzy meds. 
Here is something to amuse you all, much to my chagrin.  I am on this elist that is all my old Texas high school gang from the 60's.  We email back & forth & chat about stuff that comes up in our lives & I enjoy that!  My best friend Tina wrote me a long email & I was SO excited to hear from her that I didnt even notice that it was on the "gradslist," That's how out of it I've been.  Well I wrote her a long letter from my ping pong stream of consciousness that contained stuff I should have kept private-just between the 2 of us (thought I was doing that,) but it actually went out over the Whole Fucking high school class (1965) list.  I was mortified, but well, there it was, there was nothing I could do.  What a dunce.  I am an idiot!  Here is only HALF of that email.  Good grief!...

"I was SO GLAD to hear from you, thanks for writing.  I miss you & think of you often.  Especially when I hear all the songs from yesteryear.  They remind me of eVERyTHING about our childhood.  Sometimes I want to cry, it all seems so long ago. I dont feel like I've accomplished much in my life & 60 is really coming up fast.  I can't believe you are already there!  

I can't believe that 60yrs ago your mother & daddy were young & had their first babygirl!  I wonder if my birth mother is even still alive.  It's wierd once your parents die, I feel like I was such a bad daughter.  When she was alive, I spent so much time hating her & resenting her for being so fucked up.  Now I wish I had been nicer to her. 

She did afterall adopt me & try her best...  Even though she was so bad it made me NEVER want to have kids, I never wanted to be hated as much as I hated her. 
I regret that.  Not that I didnt have kids, because like you, I'm SO grateful that I didnt fuck up an innocent being, the buck stopped with me. 

I just regret that I couldnt have turned out better.  Not that I turned out like shit, because of course I'm divine!  
BUT I just seem to constantly think about her/them & all they did try to do for me to make my life wonderful.  and certainly I have never lived as well as I did when I was with them, I have never been able to make as much money to live as well.

I dont think Alan wastes time thinking & worrying about all this.  He is very positive & sweet, even though he barely lives above poverty level with his wife of 12yrs that has come down with MS.  I havent seen them for about 5 years because last time I felt I would never go back since they BOTH STILL SMOKE, & therefore they stink, their house stinks, their car stinks.  Pisses me off.  He no longer blows glass since his wife cant help him.  So he is now a carpenter.  I worry about him.  He doesnt waste time with regrets, however he has also always lived in denial.  Easier that way I guess.

His wife Annie still doesnt thrill me.  But oh well, I dont thrill her either.  I've tried to be friendly & get close, but she is just not interested.  She doesnt like me.  They are very simple people, no TV & they read to each other every night.  She makes beautiful glass beads & sells them on eBay.  People call him to fix stuff in their house.  Also he has made some beautiful furniture.  

I should go see him, I shouldnt be so snarky about thier dumbass smoking.
What if he suddenly dies, I would feel so sorry I hadnt visited.  I shall make it a point once the weather gets better.  Cousin Eleanore just died last month & I felt so sad I had never even driven to pittsburgh to visit her.  But she & her husband are born again & bigtime into the bible & believe homosexuality is a sin.  So I certainly didnt feel like traveling all that way to deal with that shit.  Now I'm sorry.  And I thought about Alan & not seeing him for so long.

Anyway, if it sounds like Im depressed, I suppose I am.  Hopefully when the summer & sun comes, I'll get over the sun deprevation of these eastern winters.  It's no joke! 

Hope you are well.
Love ya loads,

Oh. My. GOD.
Can You believe I wrote about hating my mother, disliking my brother's wife & hating their (& anyone's) smoking, blowing off poor Cousin Eleanore before she died, feeling depressed & sent it over the internet?  I also wrote about overeating, trying to maintain control over gorging food down my gullet, a classmate that had passed away, (actually that's how this whole letter started...) Can't remember the whole thing, but what a disaster. 

So I sat back & waited for comments & replies, & would you believe besides one good friend who wrote to me personally that I sure could write about my feelings, NOBODY else responded.  They must have all been so embarrrassed for me that I wrote all that, or maybe just shocked.  ha!  Oh my gosh.  I gotta pay more attention to the return email address when I write & click send.  I was mortified...  It's pretty funny, tho.

Friday, March 30, 2007

Still Sick

Went to the Dr yesterday.  She gave me a script for dizzyness.  It is making me sleepy. AS IF I need anything to sleep all day.  I have a trip tomorrow which I can not take since I'm still not well, so guess I'll be sleeping thru the weekend. 

I always worry about getting fired from my job, even after all these years...(38yrs 5months).  But I'm sure they would love to fire me since I'm so senior.  Seems you always are just waiting for the shoe to drop!  It's ridiculous.  They harrass you for all kinds of shit.  If you call in sick & you're out for over 7 days they count it as TWO sick instances.  When you get 2 sick instances you then get a stupid letter saying you are on their bad list & one more sick call, you could be fired.  They make it so bad that many of us fly sickly, in which case you contaminate others.  It's so stupid.  Anyway, I do have a Dr to fall back on here, & hopefully I wont get sick again for a year.  But how the hell do you ever know when you're going to fall ill?  Airline management are not nice people to work for.

I have only boring entries right now.  Sorry.
Thanks for everyone's good wishes.
At least I don't seem to be barfing my guts up all the time anymore.  Yay!  Therefore I am grateful!!!!!

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Recovering hopefully

So I'm feeling a bit better, but not 100%
I have NO energy.
And I'm dizzy.
(No wisecracks from the peanut gallery over there.)
I guess I'm going to have to go to the Dr.
I so hate moving.
I just want to lie there & sleep all day.
This thing sure takes a toll on the ole bod. 
Aging sucks, I feel sure I'd bounce back more easily if I were younger.

Last night I dreamed I was writing a book all night.
When I woke up I was so dissappointed because I had nothing to show for it.  And couldn't remember any of my brilliance.  Such a drag. 

Thursday, March 22, 2007

On The Sick List

Oh Man, I got SO sick yesterday...  Still am.  Not good. Thought I might get over it overnight, but alas...  I was so dizzy I could barely sit on the throne... Jeeze I was sick...TOO sick to even think about the fucking computer...  Got the runs & the barfs...  had to call in SICK for my trip today.  DAMN.  What.a.drag.  I NEVER call in sick.  But seeing that I was basically laying on the cold bathroom floor in sweat half the night, I knew I'd never make it down the aisle the next day without keeling over. Can't figure out if this is food poisoning, a virus or a flu.  How do you tell? 

Anyone have any idea how long this shit lasts???

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Frickin' Slush

OMG!  I had a damn flight to LA today.  Of course they wouldn't cancel it even tho' the snow & sleet was blowing down like sharp hypodermic needles. 

So off I go in full make-up/fa drag regalia driving 20-30mph cautiously thru the storm & wind. Took forever, but angels saved me a few time when I started to slide off the road, thank you God, Goddess, Universe.

Trudged thru the employee parking lot nasty snow slop to the stupid bus shelter, patiently waiting for the damn "A" bus. 

Got to the terminal finally, drug to operations to sign in... & what do ya think?  CANCELLED! 

My flight (hell every flight) was finally cancelled.  Of course I had to sit around a few hours before crew schedule finally released me.  dang. 

So off I went, schlepping my crap back to the bus & car, & slowly proceeded on my way thru the fucking winter wonderland that we call weather (DURING FUCKING RUSH HOUR!) home to my Poochie's arms. 

The good news, I have sat off now.  The bad news, I had to pick up another trip on sunday to make up the time.  Gotta stay grateful for a job.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

I Love Rosie

I love Rosie O'Donnell. 
I thinks she's brave.
I know she's loud, but I usually agree with her. 
She can speak for me as a gay woman because I'm pissed off, too.

I just don't understand it...  there are so many dykes that don't like her.  I read it in their blogs.  I dont' get it.  Why not?  I mean, everybody has a right to dislike somebody & there are many people I seriously can't stand.  But Rosie?  What's so terrible?  She cracks me up & for me The View has never been better.

Even Doris doesn't care for Rosie.  But she doesn't like Ellen either, much.  She laughs everytime Ellen does her dancing & talks about how white folks can't dance.  I think E is pretty good at it.  I try to support all our lesbians in the media.  There's just not enough of them. 

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

I Have A Sinus Migraine

Oh my gosh.  Last night was SO windy that the turbulence shook my brains up on landing.  That kind of stuff turns you green it's all I can do to keep from hurling, which would be most embarasing strapped into the jumpseat in from of 150 people. Then the employee parking lot (at the edge of the field) was freezing cold, the wind chill beyond bad!!

When I woke up I had a sinus migraine.  It was SO painful I thought I'd throw up.  I took some Motrin sinus/headache tabs.  Later took an Advil Migraine capsule.  Luckily now I only have a small headache. I am resting now.

What do you do for Sinus Migraines???
Any suggestions?

Friday, March 02, 2007

Better Now

Okay, I'm a happy woman now.  Pictures are starting to get posted & I don't feel so left out.  It's amazing how easy it is to feel close to so many bloggers.  I really enjoy my lesbian blog group & now I see what they look like!!  Yep, I was right, Goddess Bloggers - all of 'em!  And Sassy, you & Fran have a beautiful home.  Simply divine!  Wow.

Sorry I was so impatient.  Impatience is better in flower beds.  (grin.) 

I went to a new female doctor today.  She is really nice & nurturing.  She called me sweetie & even tho' she was only 2 yrs older than me, I felt calm by that.  My last dr was so young and sorta snippy & afraid to do anything wrong.  I lost my trust/faith in her.  We'll see how this one goes.  She was kind. 

Oh, & this is for all the party bloggers..........

              V A G I N A  !!!

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

I'm Cranky

Okay, I'm dissappointed.  Seems there are some folks from the blog meet that don't want their pictures posted.  I have been waiting, just dying to see all the pics of the crazy, fun weekend I missed.  sigh. 

Why, I wonder- would I not want my picture posted with all these wonderful women?  Thank GOD I don't have to worry about folks knowing I'm a lesbian.  Gee whilikers, that's a heavy albatross - having to hide the real me. 

Well, let it be known to all the bloggerdykes that they all look like Goddesses in my imagination.  If pictures never get posted I'll just have to close my eyes & imagine. 
But damn.
I'm annoyed.

I get that way with Doris wanting to stay in the closet when we go to church.  She just doesn't think it's necessary to be a screaming "out" dyke.  Of course, everyone there KNOWS we're gay & they are nice to us.  Still, it's not a gay church, so she doesn't feel comfortable.  She would have done well in the army with the 'don't ask don't tell' policy. 

Not I.  I am PROUD to be a dyke.  And anyone, including any job, boss, preacher, teacher, neighbor, family -whomever- that doesn't like it can just shove it up their ass & twirl.  It get's me angry that we have been made to feel so scared & inferior to have to hide our true essence. 

But that's just me. 
And I'm old.
And cranky.
And I just say FUCK that shit.

However, Doris prefers that I don't fly the Rainbow Flag at our front door.
So be it.
I put up a double red heart wreath on the side door.
Compromise.  It beats a lonely bed.
heh heh.
I'm cranky, not crazy.
- well usually not.

It's just that with meeting Max & Elizabeth (which by the way I would NOT have recognized had I NOT seen their PICTURES from their blogs... aHEM!...) well - I was just SO FREAKIN' EXCITED to see everyone ELSE I missed that I could hardly contain myself.  I get like that.  I was way up, high on excitement ~ now the wind is out of my sails.  Maybe I'm bipolar.  I'll get over it.  WhatEVER.  I think it blows.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

I met eb & Max!

I was so excited today!  Doris & I drove into the City where we actually met Elizabeth & Max for dinner!  I have always enjoyed their blogs, in fact eb was my first favorite blog that made me crack up with laughter, & from which I linked onto Syd (another riot & fave blog,) Sassyfemme, Weese, Suburban Lesbian & other fine dyke bloggers (that I can not live a day without checking to see if they've added yet, more pearls of wisdom!)  It was SO great to actually be sitting across from Elizabeth & Queen Maxine, I love to be around Lesbians in longterm relationships!

Time flew since we'd only put 4 quarters in the fucking meter, I don't even remember eating.  We went to Manatus  in the w.Village where D & I always used to eat when I lived upstairs on Christopher St.
 Friendly vibes & frivolity ensued!  I so enjoyed it!

Tomorrow a bunch of the gang are traveling to Conn. to party at Sassy's abode.  Bloggers are coming in from everywhere!  Unfortunately I won't be one of them & I can't believe I am going to miss out on meeting so many of my FAVORite blog dykes.  Damn.  I just have to trust in the universe that there will be another get together that will be easier for me to attend, maybe in NYC in warmer weather. 

Y'all have a great time.  boo hoo hoo.

Saturday, February 17, 2007


Since I had to fly out on the 14th, Fri was our Valentine's celebration & we went to 3 movies.

First was Daddy's Little Girls which was so GREAT!!! 

2nd was Because I said so which was silly, but Diane Keaton's clothes are fun.  I fell asleep.

3rd was Hannibal Rising (okay Doris wanted to see this - she's a Silence of the Lambs person) & it was booring. 

Picked up Bahaa Fresh, came home & got in bed!!

Bed is still the best place ever.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Happy Valentines

Happy Sweetheart's Day!

My Doris is laying right next to me in bed here!  It is SO windy & sleeting on top of last night's snowfall.  The heat is working & we have food in the fridge!  These "little things" mean A LOT!  Went to the grocery store (do they still call it that?) & stocked up yesterday.  Got a GIANT heart balloon - when you tap it flashing red lights come on & it plays "I think I love you" by the Partridge Family haha!  Cracks me up.  Got red roses & 2 valentine cards for my lady.  No jewelry or baubles or even stuffed animals today.  Maybe there will be more funds next year.  But thank God we got the necessities & each other!  Amen.

Now, if they'll just CANCEL my flight today so I can STAY HOME.  dang.  They've cancelled all the morning trips, but NoooOOOOoooo, not mine at 500pm.  crap. 

Saturday, February 10, 2007

I finally have an Avatar, Sassy helped me get it under my 'all about me' area.  She's a frickin' computer genius, but well - we all know this by now.  I had been seeing these cartoon ladies on many blogs lately, but they are all on Blogger... which I obviously am not.  So I just couldn't figure out HOW to add one..  Good ole' Sassyfemme to the rescue!  Now I have my own cartoon with a snarl.

Been flying a lot, good trips thank the Goddess.  Had Bernadette Peters onboard & she was really sweet.  Very nice, a bit reserved, focused on reading a script of Pal Joey which she is considering.  I actually got a bit tongue-tied at one point trying to chat, normally I am always very cool, but she is SO talented.  Broadway, such a charge!

I am really tired of being/feeling broke.  Seriously.  I am trying to figure out how to make more money.  Any suggestions?  I have a Real Estate license with Century21, but I'm not doing that because I really don't have the energy &/or time while flying so much to make overtime.  I don't enjoy it & it is a LOT of hard work with often unpleasant (esp other realtors) people.  Then, I sold Arbonne Swiss Skin care which I have a website for at the bottom right under advancedbeauty.  It is REALLY great skin care, but I am not one to follow up after giving/sending samples because I am of the attitude it you want it fine, if you don't - well, you're possibly an idiot.  So I don't ever push it...  Some other FA's have started to sell it & they are extremely pushy & forceful in their approach & therefore have become real successful at it.  Me, not so much.  I'm really of the mind that if a person WANTS this they shall buy it...  Since we don't make that much money, I respect that others might not have the funds so I don't bug them with follow-up calls.  At any rate, it is not the best work choice for me either, I guess. 

Perhaps I am just too tired (after all is said & done) after flying my ASS off all over creation & back. 
I do need some sleep here & there. 
Like now for example.

Friday, February 02, 2007

I'm Okay, You're Okay

This past trip was SO much better than the last.  I feel loved. 

Call me Sally Fields, but it's good to remember (Most) folks I work with really like me.  They dig me, they think I'm funny & there is common respect.  Half even chime in when I start swearing like a sailor & the other half crack up laughing & tolerate it. 

You know, I'm too old to really care about this crap & normally I don't.  Last trip just caught me off gaurd because I wasn't aware that my flying partner of the month was two-faced.  Whatever.

Now I know.  And life goes on.

Monday, January 29, 2007

A Lousy Endng to a Great Trip

It's always so good to get back home.  I swear, sometimes it's all I can do to get thru the end of a trip.  Usually it's great.  But last trip I had to deal with 2 younger flight attendants that basically just had no respect (for older female fa's & definately not for me.)  It became just seriously tedious in the end.  Nothing the psgrs noticed or knew about.  Just subtle bullshit & big time attitude.  I felt angry, and today I just feel bad.  It's unusual because I generally get along well with everybody.  Even if I don't really care for them.

One person I feel hurt by because I'd worked with her all month & I thought we'd gotten along fine, we definately worked great services together. This trip  there was a  girl I'd never worked with before on the crew list that hit it off real well with her.  Nothing wrong with that, but the attitude they generated together was rather obnoxious ( in my opinion,)  I chalked it up to youth & remembered how I used to do crazy stuff back in the day.  For example, they went out late into the night for dinner with a cousin that had been along on the flight & didn't get back till around 0300a. (which was 0600a our body time being based in NY.)  I could never do that now!  But there was a time we all used to be able to do that... ...Stay out all night & go right on to work with out much sleep!

Anyway the girls had bonded & were close (they had only just met on the flight) & to me they seemed to bring out such snarky pretention in each other.  I wasn't the only old fart on the crew, there was another but they didn't talk much to her either.  A fifth was in the middle of our ages & she got along with all of us. 

It was just unusual, that kind of shit never happens, at least it hasn't up until now.  The good thing about this job is that trip is OVER, I have different people to work with next month & I probably won't have to work with those 2 again (at least not together) since they're so junior to me.

I suppose I should mention how most FA's wish we old farts would retire so they could hold the trips we bid.  They will even "joke" with us about it "are you guys EVER going to retire & give us a chance at the primo trips? hahaha."  (Yeah, as IF those of us who DON't quit could afford towith what they pay us now.)  But it is rare that I've actually had to deal with such bitchy attitudes from young women I work with.  In fact, generally I feel nurturing to them.  Almost always I feel respect from & for them.

I shall stop obsessing over it all now.  Rant over.  Moving on.  sigh.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

A Meme From Suzanne & Kim

  1. The phone rings. Who are you hoping it is? Doris or my brother Alan.
  2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart? Sometime I do, sometime I DON"T!

  3. In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener?  Listener first. if I'm interestred I'll join in, if not I'll walk away.

  4. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive? I don't think so, but I would really TRY.

  5. Do you like to ride horses? Not anymore since I left Texas in the 60's.  But I USED to barrel ride & jump low fences when I was young!  I LOVE HORSES.  I think my back might go out if I rode now.  They are such beautiful animals!

  6. Did you ever go to camp as a kid? Yes I LOVED CAMP!!!  Did YMCA camp & Girl Scout camp until I was too old & they made me be a jr. counslor.  I was a life gaurd at GS camp.  Doris & I used to camp in the Poconos until the Arian Supremists scared us away.

  7. What was your favorite board game as a kid? I didn't like board games, but the family played Clue & Monnoply.  (can't spell it.)

  8. If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was taken what would you do? RUN like hell.  I don't need trouble.

  9. Are you judgmental? Yes.  sorry.

  10. Would you date someone with different religious beliefs? Yes. 

  11. Are you continuing your education? No.  Wish I had the energy, money & desire.  Other than that, the school of life goes on.

  12. Do you know how to shoot a gun? I have shot skeet in texas, but that was a rifle.  Shot a magnum 247 or something like that around the same time.  Hated it, & the kick back hurt my wrist.  If I had a gun, I'm afraid I just might use it because I get pissed.  I sorta like the small ones with pearl handles, but I'm afraid of guns.

  13. If your house was on fire, what's the first thing you'd grab? My dog & 2 cats, then all my photos from childhood till now.
  14. How often do you read books? Not so often, self help if any.

  15. Do you think more about the past, present or future? The past.  I have to work on that.

  16. What is your favorite children's book? Nancy Drew series.

  17. How tall are you? 5' 7"

  18. Where is your ideal house located?  Somewhere with trees & water!  Wish we could afford it.

  19. Last person you talked to? Doris!

  20. When was the last time you were at Olive Garden? A year or 2.  Not my favorite, I prefer The Macaroni Grill.

  21. What are your keys on your key chain for? House, 3 cars, jetbridge & crew lounge, onboard defibulator

  22. What did you do last night? Flew in late, watched 2 TV movies with Doris, drove to a burning restaurant in the neighborhood, got to sleep at 0700a.

  23. Where is your current pain at [sic]? I have a constant neck & shoulder crick on the right side.(muscle spasms)

  24. Do you like mustard? No, unless it's mixed with ketchup, but usually no.

  25. Do you like your mom or dad? Loved them both, but liked my Daddy.

  26. How long does it take you in the shower? If I'm doing the shower then I'm washing my hair which takes forever with conditioners etc, cause it's long past my shoulderblades.  I prefer baths for 10 or 15 minutes.

  27. What movie do you want to see right now? The Queen.  I'm pissed that Dream Girls wasn't nominated for an emmy.

  28. Do you put lotion on your dog or cats? No.

  29. What did you do for New Year's? Went to a lovely midnight dinner down the street with mainly gay/lesbian & gay friendly folks.

  30. Do you think The Grudge was scary? What is that?  The grudges I hold are scary & a waste of time & energy.

  31. Do you own a camera phone? Yup.

  32. Who did you vote for on American Idol? All the ones I like, not just one.  But I haven't seen it yet this year.
  33. What is the last initial of your middle name? e

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Doris' bDay!

Yesterday was Doris' Birthday.  Girlfriend turned 71, yep seventyfuckingONE!!!  Damn, she looks SO damn good, no one would even think she was even 50.  Luckily I had gotten out of my last trip so I had time to get hot pink roses, big balloons, good mushy cards & a pretty gold chain.  She was pleased when she woke up & went downstairs & saw all that set up for her.  Yea, I did good!

We layed around in bed all day (MY favorite sport!) & watched Little Miss Sunshine (dang, that was sweet) & other movies because it was SO COLD out. 

Then got up & went to dinner with her favorite sister at a wonderful restaurant.
Came home & watched TV & the L Word rerun.  Dang, that Papi is one sexy Latino player. 

I feel grateful for Doris' 71 years, that there is even a program like The L Word in this day & age, and that our furnace is working full blast!  It is fucking freezing out!

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Too Tired!

Have Mercy!
I am in the middle of another 6 day siege.  Just flew in LATE last night & flying out again today...  Am supposed to fly back out AGAIN after I return tomorrow night.

I am Broke Poor, so I scheduled my flying like that to make a lot of overtime.  It seemed like a good idea at the moment. 
Uh.  I don't know HOW I thought I could do it twice in a row (3 2-day trips back to back TWICE.)  (12 days out of 14.) 

Dang, I must have thought I was in my 30's again for a hallucinating moment.  I am fiftyfuckingNINE.  shit.  I can't do this.  I am turning fucking elderly more by the minute, esp working like such a nutcase. 
My resistance is dwindling & I'm taking Airbornne by the box.

I am hoping a fellow Flight Attendant will pick up my trip on thurs.  Then I plan to sleep 48 solid hours.  (Oh sure, as if I don't already wake up to pee every 3 hrs as it is.) 

I'm exhausted.

My entries have become booring.
Oh, here's a good one;
Had the Subway Hero onboard the other day.  Man, he was brave, huh?
Also had Chad Lowe, (SO sweet, so kind), Andre' Braugher, very classy & that gorgeous male model Tyson Beckford - also very nice.  Damn - his lips & eyes are really something!  (But he grew a skraggley goatee that looks like crap.)  Goatees suck.  No matter how you spell it.  Such a shame to mess up such a beautiful face with pubic looking hair.  ugh.

(Nothing against pubic hair in it's right place!) or the right woman's pubs in my face!

Can I get an Amen?

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Another Crappy Movie

Today we went to see Perfume, The Story Of a Murderer. 
Y A W N.
I mean REALLY.  So fucking booring & possibly the stupidest movie ever.  The dumbass man goes around killing women to bottle their scents.  In the end when he is to be hung for the murders, he releases this bottle with a combination of all their scents to the throngs standing around to see him die & they all become overcome with LOVE, strip naked & have a mega orgy right there in the town square.  So dumb.

Then saw Stomp the Yard.  It was actually great.  D & I were truly old fogies in a packed theatre of young kids watching fraternity students at a black college in Atlanta compete crumping & stomping.

Then watched 30 minutes of Primeval where a humongous alligator was chasing & eating everyone around.  (Doris likes that shit.) 

Well, back home in bed now & we're watching a rerun of last week's L Word, which is Better than anything I've seen since Dream Girls last week!

Movie Review

Just flew 6 days in a row.  I am SO too old to do that now.  I can barely move, but I did manage to go to Curves this morning.  You always wonder if it is doing any good.  I guess it's better than not doing any kind of exercise.

Well, tonight we went to see Notes On A Scandle with Judy Densch & Cate Blanchet.
Of course the acting was GOOD with those two. 
But the story truly sucked for me. 

I went to see Dame Judy playing a Lesbian but damn, she was such a horrible, old preditor type.  And speaking of preditors, Blanchette was a teacher fucking a 15 year old boy (her student)  thru the whole thing.  Talk about seriously sickening. 

This movie got 4 whole stars.  wierd.  I did not find this entertaining.  I am so annoyed & dissappointed.  Perhaps it's just me. 

I say PeeeeeeUUUU!