Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Saying Godbye To BooBoo

My sweet little BooBoo was put to sleep at 1130 on Mon Dec 13, 2010 when the surgeon operating on her determined cancer in her upper R. jaw was spreading to her eye, which had been closing for weeks.

He kept her under anesthesia so she was already asleep, & we went to the hospital to be with her when they put her down. I called on Roxie & Panther to meet her in heaven, leaned down & said to go to the light BooBoo. We petted her head, stroked her body, told her We Love Her, laid our hands on her soft fur as the final shots were given to send her to peaceful rest without pain. God it was sad.

Our tears pouring, the nurses helped us wrap her in clean towels & we took her home. We dug yet another hole & buried her in the back yard next to her brother & sister Panther & Roxie. Doesn't everyone have a pet cemetery in the back yard?

It all happened so fast. I had just taken her to the vet 2 days before & heard the news - $1500 for surgery she desperately needed. I was in shock as I applied for pet care credit then went home to talk to D about should I do this? To her credit, she didn't hesitate & said Yes. Made the appointment for mon morn. Had her in my arms & on my legs late Sun night, rubbing & smooshing on her, scratching her belly which she always loved. I hugged her, told her I loved her madly & she would feel so much better after her operation tomorrow.

She got no food or water & I know she so hungry & thirsty when I took her in for the consultation with the surgeon before the surgery. When he looked inside her mouth I could tell by his face & the "ooooh!" my heart dropped. He said to me if I get in there & it's too bad it would be kinder to the kitty to put her down then & not bring her out of the anesthesia, would you be okay with that? I said just call me so I can come & be with her in her final moments. I hugged & kissed BooBoo, told her 'I love you' before handing her over, & they walked out the door. I started crying, even tho' I still had hope. I was in such denial.

I was in denial the whole year when her teeth started getting bad & infected. Since I had no money I didn't take her in. I am the worst mother. I could have taken care of this in the beginning, $5oo would have been easier to take than $1500. I would have had my beautiful pussycat maybe another year at least. Maybe even more. I am so regretful & guilty. Guilt Guilt Guilt Guilt.

I am so grateful for our 17yrs with my wonderful BooBoo. She was So SWEET, such a good little girl. I miss so much snuggling my face in her warm, soft fur as she purred out her contentment. I really loved that.

I'll always love you Boobula. You were my joy. Sleep well in peace, my beautiful little furbaby. I miss you madly.

Sunday, December 05, 2010

Miracles Before Xmas!!

Miracles are happening around here in abundance!
I must say, God has amazed me.
No lie.

With all the virulent hate & lust for vengeance I displayed 2 entries ago...
then the plea & desire to change & let go of those issues in my last entry...

It's been like magic. And I have truly beheld miracles this past week.

The #2 son is STILL here. That in itself is just wierd... usually he's gone in 1 day, maybe 2. And normally I would have jumped out the window by now. But we are getting along fine...
or so it seems to me.

He has reconnected with the mother of his children at our Thanksgiving dinner... The woman he'd dumped when the boys were so little, moved to Dtw & married another woman. Then never paid any child support thru the years, totally abandoning them all, neglecting his own beautiful kids for 2 decades.

Well they have decided to move into an apt & get back together! Now never in a million years would I have thought this would happen. God works in mysterious ways. I am in shock.

Also our sewer backed up... shit & piss floating in the basement sinks... It was lovely. The miracle was the plummer I called (the man who did our bathroom/kitchen renovations) came right away & fixed it. Paid $145. It was worth it.

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

An Old Hurdle To Jump

Hate Resentment Fear...
Not attractive on me
or anyone...
I'm not happy carrying so much pain.

Pain & Disgust.

I have done so well with being positive
Esp since retirement!
So this is like
Falling back into a cesspool of negativity.

Giving my power up
To a force that is so beyond unpleasant.
A Man that is so beyond having a conscious..
Oh hell, there I go judging again...

How do I just leave it all alone &
Live in harmony
with myself,
with my lover,
& with her younger (47) son

God help me!
I immediately think
of so many
names I want to call him...
I gotta figure out how to just give it up.

He's not changing.
He's still here (day 7)
D (& everybody else) LOVES him
How do I forgive the past
(Everybody else has)
And love him too?

I'm the one who has to change.

I'm still feeling the rage
of my last entry.

Let me just
Give it up.
This is my prayer.

But how?