Friday, February 27, 2009

The Phone Is Fixed!

Gaaa. Nothing like being with out a land line for a few days to make you really appreciate having your computer working again! Luckily I think the Verizon man won't be charging us extra... phew! Cell phones are great inventions, but I still like a regular land line.
Yea, life is back to normal...
whatever the hell that is.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

The Big Sleep, Panther's Last Hours

The main thing I learned is that it seems much better to take a pet to the vet to have them 'put down' or euthanized even tho' it was pure searing pain personally. It definitely seems kinder than to let 'nature take it's course' as I think poor Panther suffered. I felt so helpless. So sad, - death. Big suckage.

I haven't been able to quiet down enough to feel him or his presence. I had picked him up & held him for about 5 min on the couch kissed him & told him I loved him, then took him back into his room & gently laid him on his right side on this big floor pillow they sleep on. I noticed that blood had gotten on my sweatshirt from his little asshole. I went to the basement to try to wash it out & would check on him during the night to see if he moved back under this stool he had started laying under for 2 days. (That's how I knew he was starting to go down- didn't eat, didn't move from under the stool & couldn't walk without staggering for 2 days.)

I went in a few hours later & stared down at him still in the same place, his eyes were wide open like he was just staring, not blinking... I froze. I thought he was dead. I just stared, trying to see a sign of life. Then all of a sudden he mewed faintly trying to call to me & started to move, kneading his forelegs back & forth & his stomach started moving up & down quickly as he labored to breathe, he threw his head back twice, his tongue pushing all the way out both times. I wondered if it was like a seizure. I lightly petted his head & on down his back, told him I loved him & to go to the light, don't be afraid. I prayed to God to please help Panther since he was seeming to struggle & I called on Charlie (he'd been wonderful with his cats in recovery) & Roxie to come get him. I then went into the living room to watch TV with Boo Boo (I couldn't deal with it well & got scared). An hour later I went back in their room to check on him & I thought he was gone and went back upstairs to bed & finally slept.

In the morning when I went back in there, he looked the same as the night before, so he had definitely slipped away then as I thought. I felt disappointed with myself that I hadn't stayed with him in that final hour (it was around 0300-0400am.) I reasoned at the time that Panther would want privacy to make his transition. Big cop-out I know. Next time I'll take Boo Boo to the vet & I shall just wait longer than I did with Roxie so that it will be more obvious that the time is right. At least she will be in my arms when she passes. sigh. I am so broke, I really shouldn't have animals I can't afford to take care of them right. I just love them so much more than people. Perils of a Flight Attendant I guess.

Feeling guilty is always inevitable. Life is hard.
Thank you so much to those who wrote in with such kind words. xxoo

Monday, February 16, 2009

Valentines Day - the good & the bad

Valentine's day was Great!... Valentine's night - not so much.

When I got home from my last flight, Doris had a huge red heart balloon, red & pink tulips, & 2 great cards for me! I had 2 cards for her. Since VD was saturday we actually had an all day date! Saw 2 movies (The International which Doris liked & had lots of action & Shopaholic which I thought was fun, but the reviews stunk.)

Then we had dinner at Carinos & actually couldn't wait to get home, peel our clothes off, jump into bed & WATCH TV! ha! It was a great day, but truthfully like many other days we have... It's our thing- movies & dinner. It's a wonderful lifestyle if you ask me.

But then...
My big, beautiful black cat Panther died. He had been weak & could barely mew. I was going to take him into the vet to put him out of his misery sun morn, but he left us around 0400am. I was so sad, but relieved I didn't have to do that. God. No matter what or how, it's always terrible & such a loss.

Panther was old - 8 yrs old when we adopted him 14 yrs ago. So that's 22 yrs. Damn. He was such a great cat. And was huge (we called him Big Boy all the time). And funny. It took him years to allow us to pet him, & after Roxie passed away, (only 3 mos ago) he suddenly loved being held & wanted to be in my arms constantly. Perhaps he knew he was getting sick - I thought it was just that he was thrilled to not have a dog around anymore & now wanted total attention. Once again I have so much deep guilt for not taking better care of my animals. God I wish I had money.

At daylight I got up & went outback to dig a grave. I buried my sweet big boy Panther early in the morning, next to his sister Roxie. Now Boo Boo is the only kitty left. I hope she lives for a long, long time - I can't take much more. I'm relieved this dreadful day is over, but I miss my Pan Pan so badly. I so appreciate all the love he gave us thru out his life. I slept the rest of the day. Sigh.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

The Never-Ending Battle

OMG. I've gained back 12 lbs in about a month. Shit. I know it's basically 'fear.' I know it's because of the plane ditching in the Hudson. Outwardly it doesn't look like it's affecting me because on the job I'm just regular - happy, perky, fast-working, funny & smiling. But this is how I really feel:
F U C K I T ! If I'm gona die, then let me eat what the hell I want.
And I have been. If I'm evacuating a plane, who the crap cares if I'm at my goal weight??? I'll just be glad I'm still alive.

Damn it to hell. At WW I can only loose 1 lb a week (if I'm vigilant) because at this age, I just can't get it off any faster. So if I buckle down & start now, that's 12 weeks, it will be at least May before I get this flubber back off my frame. And I will still weight 160lbs. (goal weight- the maximum I can weigh without paying the $14/week) Not the 172 lbs I topped off at yesterday's meeting. By May I thought I would have gotten down to 150 lbs.

I'm so disappointed in myself. I was doing so well, but now I'm not even making it to the gym. So clearly, I know what I have to do, it's just that I don't want to (quite frankly.) Do any of us EVER want to cut back on eating delicious food in mammoth portions??? Or move off the couch away from the TV? But oh well. That's what I gotta do. And the sooner the better before summer gets here & I look like I'm carrying a huge barrel in my mid-section underneath my swimsuit & tee-shirts. damn damn damn. It's SO annoying.

I just had 3 days off & spent each day in bed sleeping. Sometimes I'm just so tired from this job. (a little depressed maybe??) It did feel luxurious to get so much rest.

So today I'm flying out again & will definitely TRY to get back on the right path. Lord knows it's time to snap out of it.

Friday, February 06, 2009

More Movies!

I saw "MILK" yesterday! Wow, what a great piece of history! I was around for all that. (Minor detail - I was still living heterosexually- but boy was I gay friendly!) (Hmmm can't imagine why?!) Sean Penn was superb in presenting this documentary type movie. And it just really reminds us how MUCH hell folks had to go thru back in the day so that we can all have a modicum of equality & respect. What a great movie. I miss the 70's, we were all crazy & the music was the best! And damn, did the gay community of that time do a great job!

So today I saw "The Reader." Daaammmmnnn, whoa! I was all prepared to dislike it since it entails pedophilia which I abhor, but I have to say it was amazingly great,with beautiful cinematography & such an interesting story. WOW. I loved it. Winslet was damn good, but the actor who played 'the kid' was outrageously splendid. Kate Winslet was also great in 'Revolutionary Road' which wasn't elected for an Academy Award. (As a pasenger on one of my flights 2 years ago, she was rather pissy.) But I still say Meryl Streep in 'Doubt' & Brad Pitt in 'Benjamin Button' get my vote. Just did not see what the big hoopla was with "Slumdog Millionaire'? It was good but no better than the others. imo.

Now we also saw Pink Panther, He's Just Not Into You, & New In town which were mediocre at best, just so-so. But then I'll do anything for buttered movie popcorn, even go see crap.

Now we've seen about all the nominated movies (except the Barcelona one which isn't showing anywhere around anymore.) I am hoping I can get that Sunday off so I can see the Emmys. I will be SO annoyed if I can't watch it, & unfortunately I do have a trip that sun/mon. Darn darn darn.

Tuesday, February 03, 2009


I wrote this for my Texas high school's 60's website. Folks were writing in, reminiscing about yesteryear as we are prone to do from time to time the older we get. Carolyn's name came up & I was asked to write about her since she had mentored me thru hard times. I graduated in 1965.

Carolyn Deuback was in the class of '61 at RHS. Always the most beautiful girl next to anyone - anywhere she went, she was also the nicest, sweetest, kindest soul. Her brother Johnny was in our class, but I don't remember him graduating with us & I don't think he was in our Sr. year book, tho' he was in our Jr. pics, or if not in then definitely in our soph pics in '63. I would love to know what happened to him, I googled Deuback Skating Rink & saw there was a listing in Bowie Texas. (Where is that, I can't remember?) Their father's name was John Ed,& their mother's name was Peaches. They were always there, Mrs Deuback taking tickets & money behind the window at the front door & also serving candy & sodas from behind the counter. The partyroom was behind that with big, long tables & benches. Mr Deuback ran the rink calling the shots in the little electronic side booth (couples only. reverse directions. Threesomes. Girl's choice. etc) & he always skated around with a stern face keeping watch over us all with his whistle around his neck. It was hard to get a smile from him, he ran a tight ship.

At the old rink, the party room was in the back with wooden booths & I believe there was more of a menu to choose from to eat. They lived over a two car garage directly next to the rink. When there was a fire, Mr Deuback got badly burned trying to get the family out & his face was scared a bit from it, but was still handsome. As we all know, they rebuilt a new rink with a new, beautiful brick house directly next door & everybody was excited when they re-opened & we could go skate fri nights & sat afternoons & nights! It was always busy.

I started taking skating lessons from Carolyn in the 6th grade & talked my BFF Tina into joining me. We went every sat morning, staying thru the afternoon sessions & it was the most wonderful escape from my mundane, crazy emotional 11yr old life back then. For me, just holding Carolyn's hand skating in circles, taking her instructions, getting better, pleasing her & trying to be her 'best pupil,' & making her laugh gave me the best high. It got me thru the boring school weeks for years & I just could never get enough of her, I had such a humongous girl-crush. And she was very tolerant of my silliness & nervous giggling. She knew I idolized her, but then the truth is everybody did because she was such an amazing young beauty. She was always most popular in high school, head cheerleader, Miss RHS her Sr year, & went on to become Miss Richardson & placed in the top 10 in that yr's Miss Texas Pageant! The girl was GORGEOUS! And naturally so.

Of all the wonderful memories I have of Carolyn, these stand out;
Tina & I went to a RHS football game (it was so long ago it was at Greenville ave stadium, we were in the 7th grade) & Carolyn was cheering away with her big megaphone. We climbed to the top of the bleachers because there was no room anywhere else. Carolyn saw us, waved & motioned to come down to talk, I ran down (Tina was too shy) & we talked thru the chainlink fence for a minute till it was time for another cheer & I floated back up to my seat on cloud nine! I couldn't believe I had been acknowledged by her in front of all those older kids.

By the time I was 14, I got braces, took modeling lessons & started doing little modeling jobs, had been dancing at Buster Cooper's for a couple of years & was becoming a bit less gawky. Carolyn invited Tina & I to go along with her & her best friends Hellie & Shari to see the 'Miss Richardson' Pageant, drove by & picked us up in her old Ford & along we went with the big girls for a fabulous, exciting night, my GOD we were thrilled.

As we got older, Carolyn & I became more like friends. We would write when she went to NTSU & she always encouraged me in any endeavor I would do. I asked if she thought I should try out for Miss Richardson & she replied I always hoped you would. She gave me advice when I called & I was even once invited into the inner sanctum of her room when she showed me a dress she was going to wear for a big function & asked me what I thought. She surprised me the night of the Miss R pageant when she came behind the curtains to my dressing room to loan me a sweet golden necklace of hers to wear during the competitions for good luck! (Which meant more than I could ever say because my parents & brother weren't even there, were on vacation in Fla - never thought I could win) And when I did get the crown, she was the first one up on the stage throwing her arms around me saying I told you you could do it!

Carolyn got married to J.L. Lamb & when I visited her one afternoon that summer in their 1st little apartment she mentioned how they had such a great night listening to Ray Charles' new album. Shortly thereafter she became stricken with Guillain Barre Syndrome. I came home during my freshman year a SFA to see her once again in her bedroom next to the skating rink. This time she was in a hospital bed, her beautiful legs were but broomstick size & she had an oxygen tank. I told her I finally had a handsome boyfriend & she weakly replied I told you you would. I said I missed her & she said I miss you too. She couldn't breathe well & I left shortly thereafter because I didn't want to tax her, & I really didn't know how to handle it.

A cold winter day Tina's mother called her early in the morning while we were still sleeping in our dorm to say Carolyn had passed away. Tina woke me up & gently broke the news to me. It was sad & shocking that someone & beautiful & vibrant had been stricken down so young when she had so much to live for. It's been said 'only the good die young' & Carolyn was surely the higest of GOOD. For months I walked around in a haze & often would wonder into goves of trees & just talk to her in heaven. Friends thought I was going crazy, but they left me alone to grieve & work it out.

In looking back, Carolyn Deuback was one of the biggest influences of my young life. I truly loved her with all my heart & soul, just adored her totally. I treasure the memories. Hope this didn't bore you guys, I tried to cut it down so the stories wouldn't get tedious.