Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Friday, June 17, 2005
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
I couldnt believe how queasy I felt, my heart just banging inside my chest as I watched the motorcade group get out & assemble towards the courtroom. I began crying & prayed for God to please help Michael, I really believed that opportunist mother would 'win' all his money because of all the others in the past. Who was I & why was I having this sudden reaction when I as a survivor should be on the side of the victims ?? My rage was at his father Joseph.. that mean, hateful , Evil man. And altho I felt sorry for his mother Katherine, let's face it - she let it all happen to her children - oh ignorance is such bliss.. please, just give me a break with all that crap.. MJ looking like 'dead zombie walking' scared shitless for his life, himself a victim who so long ago lost touch with reality, frozen in such an arrested state of development-not that's it's any excuse... I held my breath, gasping as it seemed so long to hear the verdicts....Yes I too was so relieved, it seemed a miracle esp since some jurors did later admit he could be guilty, just not with these charges. He was shamed in front of the whole nation & that was humiliation beyond compare. I hope he gets help & finds peace. I hope the same for us all .
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
in response to little tokens of loving and not angina or something!
Lucky to be down on the ground & no longer dealing with the young, self-important homelyass bitch in 28F anymore. Lucky to have FIVE days off in which to enjoy those who mean the most to me. Lucky to have a nice hard mattress for my aching back & pillows galore to prop up my hot, throbbing FEET. (ahem).
Although I dont hear as well as I use to, I loved listening to the 'oldie' station on the way home & so many memories that
would relate to the eras that wafted thru the tunes I had blaring would pop up in my jet-lagged consciousness! It never fails- the mental pictures pour forth listening to music of yesteryear & I sing every old word with instant recall. Baffling when just minutes ago I couldnt recall if 12B asked for pasta or beef, diet coke or water without ice.
How fast this life of mine is zooming by, just when Im thinking the stagnation of my ruts has brought me to another screeching halt. No, Im not bored or
Lazy, Im just RESTING.... More like somewhat powerless to move an inch, but I'll just take another nap & then maybe I can loose the inertia & somehow discover where I lost my energy. (Did I ever have exuberance or was it all an illusion?)
Well, sleep is generally a wondrous drug, a refreshing remedy in which a new day brings another opportunity, an inevitable possibility to at least enjoy being me or at most, get better at it. So off to dreamland I go, a mini-vacation from present reality.
. I have only 2 more days of being 56, let me focus on shaking off this neck crick & try to get around to the business of growing up.
Thursday, June 09, 2005
I have waited too long to write this. It's just that Ive felt so rundown, tired & depressed which I try to keep secret, but it's getting more difficult with each passing year. Ive been 58 years old for 2 weeks now, 16 days actually. I didnt really celebrate as much as sorta just somewhat ignore May 24th when it came along... My heart did definitely get that zing & skip a beat when Doris brought me balloons, beautiful roses & fabulous birthday cards telling me I was loved! We ate at Charlie Browns & I was just happy to have a quiet evening with my Babe. She is still so damn gorgeous I cant believe how lucky I am to even just look at her everyday! She asked me what I wanted for my birthday & in my brain I saw that big black truck with the spoiler on the hard, back cover we looked at the other day, but it had 238,000miles on it so I said nothing. With everything we've got, what else do I need? I am so truly blessed I doubt I deserve any of it! I shouldnt complain, but "shouldnt" has never stopped me before: This past year has just been a drag. Maybe it's me, but I still cant believe that Bush was re-elected President. What a fucking Jackass. The whole country is chock full of idiots. Gay Marraige may never be legalized at this point. Im sorry, but that is tragic for those of us who really desire to be treated as equally as any other dumbass heterosexual closetcase ignoramous. The job at AAL has gotten out of control since the fricking paycuts, I have never worked so much & so hard with no rest for so little money, it has litterally knocked me on my butt. And Im well aware that all the Real Estate deals that have been coming my way are Gifts from God & Im grateful. Yet & still I have been driven nuts by the most obnoxious agents & incompotent mortgage reps, the stress of which has rendered me shingle stricken. My beautiful sweet girlfriend who has hung around for 23 yrs (24 next month) has retired 8 months ago & turned into an annoyed, complaining unhappy wench that is upset at most everything I do, Plus she hates the animals & tells me everyday how she wishes they were gone. I guess she used to treat the horrible women she worked with this way & now she has transfered this passive aggresive side over to me. It is most unpleasant, as if trying to get used to her being home every minute of the day isnt hard enough. Trouble in paradise over here, I wonder if we shall ever get back to normal. I miss us. It just seems that this was a rough year, complete with hot flashes, a HUGE GUTT, & Im hungary as a wolf every minute. I topped off at 190 on the scale at Curves today. Lord God, how did this happen? I need help!
58 has got to be better than last year. Even tho' when I wrote about turning 57 I was so very positive.
Monday, June 06, 2005
My baby brother turns 56 this weekend. He's over 6 ft tall now, more like 6'4" actually. Seems just like yesterday when Mother, Daddy & I picked him up at the adoption agency. I loved babies! I was excited to meet our new baby, couldnt wait to hold him. Soon I would have a real live doll! They set me on a sofa all by myself, my parents sat on a sofa right across from me. Daddy got me a small package of Oreos from a machine there... Suddenly a lady walked out of a side door holding the hand of a chubby, little toddler that was Walking out. Well, he waddled, he was almost 1 already & Big. Wait a minute... WHERE was my baby??? Oh NO! They were putting him on the couch next to ME. Everybody was starring at us to see how we got along. I HAD to hide my beyond enormous dissappointment & pretend I was happy. He was almost as big as I was, I couldnt even hold him on my lap. Someone said 'Kathy why dont you give Alan one of your cookies?' WHAT?? Oh no... they were all watching.. I had to give him a cookie.. I dutifully took a cookie out of the little package & gingerly put it on his knee. He looked at it, picked it up & immediately threw it across the room. Direct rejection, Instant rivalry. Everyone laughed like it was so cute, I was mad. That was a perfectly good chocolate cookie & now there were only 2 left. I was Stuck with this Baby Huey that didnt even want MY cookie. It was time to go, & Daddy swooped him up & away to the elevator we walked. "I want to carry him, I want to carry him, he's MY birthday present." hehe, hoho more laughter. Out to the car we walked, I was holding on to Alan's foot, a little white lace-up walking shoe, Not a bootie. Let ME carry him. He was put in the front seat between Mother & Daddy. I had to sit in the BACK. Wait a minute here. That was MY spot. Now I am relagated to the back seat. God I was jealous. After living almost 3 yrs as a sweet, beautiful, precious child, I was amazed to find out what a crazed, possessed, hateful & bad little girl I would turn into. It was shocking to have these murderous feelings at so young an age. I never wanted ababy brother for a birthday present in the first place,who's damn idea was that?! Gee, I wonder... the parents who so desparately needed the perfect nuclear family to pull off that they were okay,... & I/we were/are supposed to feel grateful. Well, after feeling the rage that I wasnt enough - I guess that's when the guilt started.. from wanting to kill the little bastard for intruding on my life.. after all, I had only had them myself for about 2yrs after becoming their 1st adopted "choice"... And I did want to like him in the beginning, I wanted to love him, but he immediately hated me too.. He was NOT happy, he did not want to be with ANY of us... he wanted his mother... who kept him probably in the hospital for 9 whole months until she finally made the decision to give him up... It must have been hard for her, since it took so long, but she had such grande hopes that he could/would have a better life... Poor Alan...(or Jon as she'd named him) how could she know that her precious little bundle would be put in the arms of a desperate, needy woman & a cold, unemotional man...complete with an insecure, spoiled sister... POOR, sweet baby. Oh God, what a challenge for all of us. What strange, cloudy kharma did we each bring to the table, what were the lessons for us all to learn...or not learn? How could it have been fair... for any of us? And in spite of the journey, Alan & I did survive. I do thank God for my brother... my poor little brother, I was just SO mean. I learned it from my mother. My sad, bottomless pit mommy, she meant well, Im sure. But she was more suited to be a general in Hitler's army than a wife or a mother. Power & Control, my God Im like her now. And Daddy did at least love me... as much as he could love anyone. They did give us so much material presents... They did truly sacrifice & try. That is why I forgive them. They were abusive which I hashed through enough in the past. But we decided the abuse stopped with them. Neither Alan nor I had children... We did NOT WANT to continue the cycle. The disfunction we grew up with we need to own, & probably need to conquer, but NEVER at the mercy & innocence of another child. We can choose to recover & climb the steps of rediscovery, ascend to the next level of growth & improvement, but not thru the sacrifice of children. Thank you God for our lives. And for Alan my sweet little brother, we survived our childhood together. May his 56th year be his best yet. Amen.
Saturday, June 04, 2005
Havent written in a while.
Probably have been too happy.
Words seem to flow easier when depressed or dull. Last time I wrote, the computer automatically erased everything before I was even finished. Talk about frustrated. Boo. Too overwhelming to start over, & I was on a roll, too. Stupid computer. Next time that happens, I must remember to write it over immediately- even tho' it may be 0500 in the morning. Because today it's G o n e. Lost in the cyber ether of last night's insomnia.