Saturday, November 26, 2005

Food Addiction on Thanksgiving

     My body seems to betray me, even tho' I am for all outward appearances well & should NOT complain.  I am grateful this Thanksgiving for many things, like the event of this holiday was delicious & fun...  with just Sis & Buddy, Keaven & Tanya, Michelle & Jasmine, Jerome, Barbara, Doris & me!  The nucleus for me - the ones easy to take & a pleasure to be with on a holiday!  And NOBODY staying here for a visit & spending the night!  Too wonderful to have even imagined!!!  Doris said, "I miss the boys, tho'."  I said, "I miss the boys when they were young."  Yeah, she said.  They (the youngest grands, Nijohn & Davian) are now 13 & 17.  Even Jasmine is 14 now.  God, time is flying by. 

     I am grateful I have now lost 18 lbs at Weight Watchers, it is hard & takes constant focus & vigilance.  But I don't feel any better yet.  Maybe I never will feel good again.  I should be more positive, but with my never-ending job (will I ever make retirement???) I remain exhausted all the time.   Just can't get enough sleep.  No rest for the weary - if not D's sisters Barbara calling at midnight or Sis calling at 0815AM (I swear to God, Doris has NO boundaries, she WON'T tell them/or anyone to call between 900am & 900pm) then it's Doris getting up, waking me up with her noisy projects.  Shit, man. 

     But, I can walk, work, talk, think, hear (kind of,)see (well sort of, my eyes are getting really bad, gotta use glasses everyday.)  But I do have glasses.  And a house.  And a job.  And a very pretty, vivacious, constantly energetic, loving girlfriend.  Yep, I'm lucky for sure.  Saw this guy today, used to be healthy & hefty, now a parapelegic in a damn wheelchair will never walk (or fuck his wife) again.  How dare I complain about being tired?  Or depressed.  Or worry my life away for no good reason?

     She wears me out, my Doris.  I try to keep up, but I fear one day I shall just keel over & maybe break.  Thanksgiving eve she kept me up & we went to NYC at midnight to drive around the big parade balloons (She always has caniption fits about getting up early & going to the fucking T'giving parade each year.  I have never done this with her, she always took her grandkids in the past,)  & she is always yearning to go to this durn parade even in the worst weather.  My compromise is now to go to the City the night before so she can see the huge ballons being blown up.  It IS amazing.  Then we drove down 5th Ave & looked at the Xmas windows, Bergdorf Goodman's being the most fabulous this year!  Then of course it's Grey's Pappya on 8thSt /6thAve for those nasty hotdogs which I have NOW also come to love.  She's always gotta have those hotdogs, every time we're in town.  We got home at 0430am.  I was broke down dead.  Crawled into the rack & passed out.....    Of course Sis called at 0830Afuckin'M.  I was up for the rest of Thanksgiving, my eyeballs about to bounce down to the floor all night. 

     But how dare I complain?  Sis cooked up a batch of fabulous, delecious, devine cusine all afternoon!  We celebrated that night at Keaven's!  It was impossible to stay on my WW diet, & I felt totally out of control today. I ate the whole plate I brought home tonight!   damn.

     I am eating pop corn most every night & drinking Lime Perrier to feel full.  It's just not enough till I feel stuffed.  We're supposed only eat until we 're full up to our breasts.  Not until we're full up to our throats.  Very hard to stop, bust high.  Pop corn helps fill the space.  And bubbly water.  Such a very deep void. 

      Maybe next year I'll get this down.  Maybe I'll loose enough weight that I'll actually start feeling better...  even good.  (What a stretch!)  Meanwhile, I'll just have to keep up my gratitude lists.  Life is not perfect, but I am afterall, okay!

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Thoughts Of Yesteryear

This Lesbian's Mental Health... Written for The Lesbian Lifestyle

     Ever been drawn to someone who is not good for you?.. Oh God, those are the Worst to forget about.  And to get in touch with them is always asking for trouble.  But that's the one I think most about in the shadows of my mind on a lonely night.  Of course after indulging in her fantasy, Im always So glad I chose Another in Real Life. 

     To have dealt with her craziness any longer would have pushed me over the edge to join her insanity...  Not a path to choose for any kind of positive mental health.  I have my own demons, and clearly one of them wanted her! 

     Yet the ecstasy of remembering that dizzy, delusional night of supreme abandon - where it felt like I was returning to the core of my soul, where the fit seemed so good, where the pleasure wouldn't end had I not stopped it... - the pain of circumstance brings me back to reality as it did decades ago. 

     That night I was crashing into yet another wall of future torment and abuse.  I had given in to a destructive sexual addiction & found myself lost in the swirling abyss of crazed and demented uninhibited wanton lust.

     The force of which I had no control, was stronger than reason, a magnetic power that drew me to her and captured me, heart banging like a caged animal struggling to break loose and grab on to her.  Cunning and sexually adept, I wanted and thought I needed her.  I felt I might die without her, I surely Knew I would die With her..

     She was forbidden & I needed her to stay that way.  One day at a time, I slowly pulled myself out of my dazed stupor and reached out for help at Sexual Compulsives Anonymous.  It saved my life.  SCA...  and the careof a wonderful therapist!  All of them, Angels sent from above. I became able to get a grip & go on to lead a happy and responsible life with someone who truly loves me.

     Yet, in the stillness of an unexpected moment here she comes again, her memory sneaks back into a corner of my thoughts. I watch her pass thru that treacherous old window of time until she slips back out into the oblivion of my past.  I was on the edge of madness around her. But I was able to escape! 

     Alleluia!  For this I am always grateful.