My body seems to betray me, even tho' I am for all outward appearances well & should NOT complain. I am grateful this Thanksgiving for many things, like the event of this holiday was delicious & fun... with just Sis & Buddy, Keaven & Tanya, Michelle & Jasmine, Jerome, Barbara, Doris & me! The nucleus for me - the ones easy to take & a pleasure to be with on a holiday! And NOBODY staying here for a visit & spending the night! Too wonderful to have even imagined!!! Doris said, "I miss the boys, tho'." I said, "I miss the boys when they were young." Yeah, she said. They (the youngest grands, Nijohn & Davian) are now 13 & 17. Even Jasmine is 14 now. God, time is flying by.
I am grateful I have now lost 18 lbs at Weight Watchers, it is hard & takes constant focus & vigilance. But I don't feel any better yet. Maybe I never will feel good again. I should be more positive, but with my never-ending job (will I ever make retirement???) I remain exhausted all the time. Just can't get enough sleep. No rest for the weary - if not D's sisters Barbara calling at midnight or Sis calling at 0815AM (I swear to God, Doris has NO boundaries, she WON'T tell them/or anyone to call between 900am & 900pm) then it's Doris getting up, waking me up with her noisy projects. Shit, man.
But, I can walk, work, talk, think, hear (kind of,)see (well sort of, my eyes are getting really bad, gotta use glasses everyday.) But I do have glasses. And a house. And a job. And a very pretty, vivacious, constantly energetic, loving girlfriend. Yep, I'm lucky for sure. Saw this guy today, used to be healthy & hefty, now a parapelegic in a damn wheelchair will never walk (or fuck his wife) again. How dare I complain about being tired? Or depressed. Or worry my life away for no good reason?
She wears me out, my Doris. I try to keep up, but I fear one day I shall just keel over & maybe break. Thanksgiving eve she kept me up & we went to NYC at midnight to drive around the big parade balloons (She always has caniption fits about getting up early & going to the fucking T'giving parade each year. I have never done this with her, she always took her grandkids in the past,) & she is always yearning to go to this durn parade even in the worst weather. My compromise is now to go to the City the night before so she can see the huge ballons being blown up. It IS amazing. Then we drove down 5th Ave & looked at the Xmas windows, Bergdorf Goodman's being the most fabulous this year! Then of course it's Grey's Pappya on 8thSt /6thAve for those nasty hotdogs which I have NOW also come to love. She's always gotta have those hotdogs, every time we're in town. We got home at 0430am. I was broke down dead. Crawled into the rack & passed out..... Of course Sis called at 0830Afuckin'M. I was up for the rest of Thanksgiving, my eyeballs about to bounce down to the floor all night.
But how dare I complain? Sis cooked up a batch of fabulous, delecious, devine cusine all afternoon! We celebrated that night at Keaven's! It was impossible to stay on my WW diet, & I felt totally out of control today. I ate the whole plate I brought home tonight! damn.
I am eating pop corn most every night & drinking Lime Perrier to feel full. It's just not enough till I feel stuffed. We're supposed only eat until we 're full up to our breasts. Not until we're full up to our throats. Very hard to stop, bust high. Pop corn helps fill the space. And bubbly water. Such a very deep void.
Maybe next year I'll get this down. Maybe I'll loose enough weight that I'll actually start feeling better... even good. (What a stretch!) Meanwhile, I'll just have to keep up my gratitude lists. Life is not perfect, but I am afterall, okay!