Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Thoughts Of Yesteryear

This Lesbian's Mental Health... Written for The Lesbian Lifestyle

     Ever been drawn to someone who is not good for you?.. Oh God, those are the Worst to forget about.  And to get in touch with them is always asking for trouble.  But that's the one I think most about in the shadows of my mind on a lonely night.  Of course after indulging in her fantasy, Im always So glad I chose Another in Real Life. 

     To have dealt with her craziness any longer would have pushed me over the edge to join her insanity...  Not a path to choose for any kind of positive mental health.  I have my own demons, and clearly one of them wanted her! 

     Yet the ecstasy of remembering that dizzy, delusional night of supreme abandon - where it felt like I was returning to the core of my soul, where the fit seemed so good, where the pleasure wouldn't end had I not stopped it... - the pain of circumstance brings me back to reality as it did decades ago. 

     That night I was crashing into yet another wall of future torment and abuse.  I had given in to a destructive sexual addiction & found myself lost in the swirling abyss of crazed and demented uninhibited wanton lust.

     The force of which I had no control, was stronger than reason, a magnetic power that drew me to her and captured me, heart banging like a caged animal struggling to break loose and grab on to her.  Cunning and sexually adept, I wanted and thought I needed her.  I felt I might die without her, I surely Knew I would die With her..

     She was forbidden & I needed her to stay that way.  One day at a time, I slowly pulled myself out of my dazed stupor and reached out for help at Sexual Compulsives Anonymous.  It saved my life.  SCA...  and the careof a wonderful therapist!  All of them, Angels sent from above. I became able to get a grip & go on to lead a happy and responsible life with someone who truly loves me.

     Yet, in the stillness of an unexpected moment here she comes again, her memory sneaks back into a corner of my thoughts. I watch her pass thru that treacherous old window of time until she slips back out into the oblivion of my past.  I was on the edge of madness around her. But I was able to escape! 

     Alleluia!  For this I am always grateful. 


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