Thursday, July 26, 2007


Miracles are always abundant, I just have to slow down to notice sometimes.  It also helps to appreciate where I am & what I do have today as opposed to what I want & where I think I should be. 

I have never been good with patience.  One would think that I had practiced it enough in 60 yrs of life.  I guess the problem is "practice" is just not one of my life habits...  Except by way of the result of "practicing impatience" just never really works, trying to push for faster reality to hurry up & be the way I want instead of letting go & accepting how it is until the change has suddenly occured while I was living life one day at a time.  So simple, really.  But I make it hard for myself by forgetting that. 

I just want "it all" now... You know, everything.  I want everything NOW & by God I think I deserve to have it all by now.  Hmmmm.  Well that's just not my fate's agenda, I still have much work to do, more lessons to go thru & a ton more to learn. sigh.  Damn.  Does it ever get easier?  Probably not. 

Well it DOES, I just tend to forget how hard/bad things really used to be back in my youth.  I'm rambling so I'll stop now & get on with what I meant to write about.

On 7/17th Doris & I celebrated 26 years!  It was a beautiful day complete with sleeping in, flowers, balloons, mushy meaningful cards, small, matching gold rose necklaces (rather erotic) & a day at the shore with our RV!  It was wonderful & so relaxing - just what I needed after a trip of grueling flying & having to fly out again the next day. 

We talked about how lucky we are to have found each other 26 yrs ago & how many changes we have gone thru, noting how much has still stayed the same.  I waded thru the water along the beach & felt renewed.  It was too cold to go into the waves even though the sun was shining high in a deep blue sky of wafting clouds.  Doris sat up on the boardwalk in our blue canvas chairs with the built in sun canopys peering thru her binoculars.

These 'mini vacations' are regenerating & the peace of the Ocean so calming.  I love my sweet, beautiful Doris more than anything or anyone.  I am so happy to be blessed with 26 years together!  I am such a lucky woman.

And so is she.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

2 Weeks Later

Good grief, it's been 2 weeks since my last entry.  I've flown 3 trips since my buddie's last retirement trip, which was bitter sweet.  I think I'm REALLY ANGRY & I feel left behind somehow.

Of course, it's my own damn fault (well, & Doris' fault too) that my financial situation is basically fucked & I have to keep working.  Mainly really Doris' fault.  My credit card bills are not insurmountable, I can pay them (there are only 3) slowly.  D's, well forget it.  Don't really see a light at the end of that tunnel.  We just don't answer the phone when creditors call. 

Our 26 yr anniversary is coming up fast & I had wanted to get legally hitched on that date, but am too afraid I shall then be responsible for her bills if something should happen to her.  For sure they could take the house as both our names are on the deed whether we get civilized or not.  It's sad.

I have been eating again, shoving down feelings with food, but AT LEAST I have not gone back to chocolate, ice cream, cookies & sugar.  Am doing carbs, bread & too big portions.  I shall stop this too.  Dammit.  And I gotta start exercising again, but it's too swelteringly hot, plus I'm cranky & tired.

Okay now you see why I haven't written.  bitch bitch bitch.  sigh.

I flew back last night with huge, long gate holds & delays due to weather & got in around 0300a.  I'll be better when I get more sleep.  Also I'm going to WW tonight even tho' I KNOW I'll be over my weight limit &  therefore have to pay for the meeting.  Whatever.  Life goes on.

Okay, WW went okay, great in fact..  I lost .8 of a lb.  YEA!  that's almost a lb.  phew!  Didn't have to pay after all!  Well, I'm in a better mood, now!