Tuesday, December 30, 2008

A Great Recipe for the New Year

A GREAT RECIPE for the New Year...

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It
Is the ultimate anti-depressant.

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Talk to God about
What is going on in your life.

3. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, 'My
Purpose is to__________ today. I am thankful for______________'

4. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that
Is manufactured in plants.

5. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, broccoli,
Almonds & walnuts.

6. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

7. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues
Of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead
Invest your energy in the positive present moment.

8. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a
College kid with a maxed out charge card.

9. Life isn't fair, but it's still good..

10. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

11. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

12. You are not so important that you have to win every argument.
Agree to disagree.

13. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

14. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their
Journey is all about.

15. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

16. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years,
Will this matter?'

17. Forgive everyone for everything.

18. What other people think of you is none of your business.

19. GOD heals everything - but you have to ask Him.

20. However good or bad a situation is , it will change.

21. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends,
Will. Stay in touch!!!

22. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

23. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: I
Am thankful for__________. Today I accomplished_________.

24. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

25. When you are feeling down, start listing your many blessings.
You'll be smiling before you know it.

author unknown

Feeling much better

Yea! I'm better now! Guess it was a 24hr flu/virus. Phew! glad that's over with. When I was feeling so ill I put in for pvd's for my trip on the 30/31st thinking I would be too sick to work. Well they came thru so I will not have to be working that flight coming back on New Year's eve! Hooray!

I weighed in down 1.4 lbs at WW today. So that is a good result in being to sick to eat for 2 days. But Now I am again ravenous. Dang. Eating is so much fun. Why can't it just be like housework? I'd never be fat.

I accomplished a lot today, - besides going to WW, I picked up milk & eggs at Trader Joes, ordered the alloted uniform replacement items from my company, went to the dentist, & then to Lenscrafters, & took out the trash. (Trying to get all the deadlines met with insurance, etc by the end of the year!)

And NOW I think I'll SLEEP!

Friday, December 26, 2008


OMG! I ATE so much food at Christmas dinner last night.
I went back for seconds.
Good thing I didn't go back for thirds.
Today I'm sick.
Guess it serves me right. - I had NO control.
I feel like throwing up,
& woke up with the runs.
What is this a flu or virus???
I felt fine last night, I just thought the home we were in was freezing & couldn't take off my coat for a while. But I didn't feel sick at all.
What a bummer.
I am laying in bed for now.
I wonder how long this sick feeling is gona last.

Monday, December 22, 2008

better now

Okay, I'm better now. Boy was I mad. I've moved on to worrying about Doris' grandson Davion who is stuck in Ohio without any money,trying to get the car he just bought fixed, insurance, license plates & gas to drive to Pa where he just graduated from school to pick up his clothes then drive to NJ. So he called Doris for help because nobody else will give him any money. We have a $400 gas/electric bill from last month we have to pay. I barely scraped together money for the mortgage & am on my own until the next paycheck on the 30th. I worry along with Doris that cops & highway patrol could fuck with young Davion on his way home... For those that don't know they really mess with black kids on the highways. And everywhere else for that matter.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Real Loving. Not.

Good grief, it's been awhile since my last entry.

I've just been working. hard. alot.
Basically I've been good.
But now I'm broke because I spent too much this month, so that's depressing. Then, I came merrily home from my flight last night just to find out Doris took Roxie's crate out of the pet's room & threw it out back.

I was crushed. Heartbroken. PISSED. IRATE. PHSYCOTIC. I had told her I'd do it when I felt ready to let it go, I had taken comfort in it & her little toys & bowl inside. I know it's nutty. But I'd been doing so well since that fateful day on nov 10, I didn't want to rock the boat.

Now I've been a raging lunitic all night & day, & then had a bit of a meltdown in the bank today when I found there was no money in one of my saving's account. (I had $89 in one & found out it was below some kind of limit, thus the bank had taken out $4 ea month for SO long there was only $17 left in it.) Plus I was scraping the bottom to get the mortgage paid this month. So I told the teller 'it wouldn't be so bad if my girlfriend wasn't such a shit.' Then the tears started to fall, I told her 'my dog died & she threw out her cage' then I started to ball.

She handed me THREE kleenex's which made me laugh "do you keep these back there for people who find out they have no money left?' We laughed. Then I had to stand in another line to close that damn savings account where I just cried more & more into the kleenex. Another teller across the floor said, 'Kathy are you okay?' I nodded yes & kept crying. Man, I just lost it. Thank God I wasn't on the plane. Damn.

So Doris & I aren't getting along last night & today. We're yelling, screaming at each other. We normally don't do well in Dec because of her son & other relatives coming here. But that hasn't even happened yet. So wish me luck. If we come apart in the next two or so weeks I won't be surprised. Right now if she walked out the door, I'd be fine. Buhbye!


I am pissed & hurt. She thinks she's done nothing wrong. Technically I suppose she hasn't, but how can she not know this would set me off? She just didn't care. Probably wanted it out to make room for her damn visiting deadbeat son & the others. They can all go to hell. Together.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Do NOT fill out any invitation from ME to join REUNION

OH My GOD. I was sent an invitation to join some kind of reunion list by a Flight Attendant that I really respect, so I didn't think twice about responding to it & trying to join. But it didnt work when I clicked on the tabs, so I just deleted it. NOW, everyone on MY email list is getting this same invitation to join so this is some kind of hoax or VIRUS maybe to get email names. I am mortified & don't know what to do about it.

The person I got the email from told me to write:
in my email address book contacts WITHOUT ANYTHING in the email address line & I have tried this, but I'm afraid it's too late.
I am SO sorry if this happens to you.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

November Miracles

Doris was sheding a few tears thinking about Roxie's eyes just looking at her like, "HELP ME..." that day. Oh God. Now I'm haunted by that. I had just about talked myself into thinking she was alright making the transistion to heaven. But I guess my gut reaction was right, she felt betrayed & didn't understand. Oh God. My heart feels heavy. I did a horrible thing. Man. And just when I was starting to feel so much better. Bummer. sigh.

However I have to admit that Nov did bring some miracles. More miracles than usual in one month.

1: A big, 4 story high tree fell into the neighbor's tree & they took us to court because we didn't think it was our tree & we had NO money to take it down. The judge was nice to us & gave us time to try to get money together. I had never been in court before, so I had been so scared & nervous. But I suddenly knew things would be okay when walking to the court house door I saw about 20 sparrows hopping around on the grass & immediately thought of the song "His Eye Is On The Sparrow So I Know He's Watching Me." That judge was So kind. A miracle.

2: After huge quotes from $1500 to $4000 to take the tree down, God sent us a man who only charged $500.
A miracle.

3: There were holes in our roof & after huge quotes from $9000 to 10,000 God sent us roofers who only charged around $3400. A huge miracle.

4: After having to go back to court for the tree & neighbors, the judge said we didn't have to come back after Doris told him the tree had been removed. She meant it was removed from the neghbor's yard, Im afraid when the housing officer comes to check on it & sees all these huge 'tree turds' laying around in our back yard we might get in trouble for not removing those from OUR yard. Never-the-less we got to leave the court after only one hour & told we didn't have to come back. another miracle!

4. The telephone technition just showed up out of the blue on a SUNDAY of all days when he wasn't supposed to be there until the fri after Thanksgiving! A HUGE miracle! Plus - this guys ended up knowing us from church & didn't charge us the $300 we would have had to pay. Wow. Another huge miracle.

5: And lastly, I had to go back to work (I have been on vacation - yeah great vacation, huh?) on a 3 day trip yesterday with 2 legs a day, in coach on a crappy super 80. It was a Houston/Phoenix layover - flying back home to Ewr on the busiest day of the year before Thanksgiving. Ugh. Well, we were so delayed on the 1st leg, the 1st day that when we got to Chicago we missed our connection that night for Houston... So they ended up deadheading us to LGA & limo-ing us over to our cars in Ewr & NOT reassigning us, thus we have the next 2 days off!!! WHAT??? Never in 40 years had I gotten such a break at work! ANOTHER true miracle!!! WOW, amazing!

And in looking back it's a miracle that God brought us thru loosing Roxie 15 days ago, as well as all this other confusion. And if God was so merciful to us, surely God was as merciful & loving to Roxie if not more. We are truly blessed. Outside of having to put Roxie to sleep, this was the best November ever! I've been so down, I think I'll try to make a gratitude list each month from now on.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

The Verizon Tech Fixed Our Landline!

OMG! Our phone landline was out of commission for 5 days, but it SEEMED like way over a week! I thought I would die without my computer, dANG! I am so happy to have the phone back, just using my cell was a drag. Ahh, the small things in life! Thank you God.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

staying strong... sorta

It has helped me immensely to go to a website of people grieving for their pets who have gone to heaven. I don't feel so alone in my sadness & sorrow.
And Many friends have sent me their love, courage, wisdom & strength. They have counseled me greatly, each in their own way.
Here are 4 'poems' friends sent to me that helped....

The Last Battle

If it should be that I grow frail and weak

And pain should keep me from my sleep,

Then will you do what must be done,

For this -- the last battle -- can't be won.

You will be sad I understand,

But don't let grief then stay your hand,

For on this day, more than the rest,

Your love and friendship must stand the test.

We have had so many happy years,

You wouldn't want me to suffer so.

When the time comes, please, let me go.

Take me to where to my needs they'll tend,

Only, stay with me till the end

And hold me firm and speak to me

Until my eyes no longer see.

I know in time you will agree

It is a kindness you do to me.

Although my tail its last has waved,

From pain and suffering I have been saved.

Don't grieve that it must be you

Who has to decide this thing to do;

We've been so close -- we two -- these years,

Don't let your heart hold any tears.
A Living Love

If you ever love an animal, there are three days in your life you will always remember....

The first is a day, blessed with happiness, when you bring home your young new friend.
You may have spent weeks deciding on a breed. You may have asked numerous opinions of many vets, or done long research in finding a breeder. Or, perhaps in a fleeting moment, you may have just chosen that silly looking mutt in a shelter--simply because something in its eyes reached your heart. But when you bring that chosen pet home, and watch it explore, and claim its special place in your hall or front room--and when you feel it brush against you for the first time--it instills a feeling of pure love you will carry with you through the many years to come.

The second day will occur eight or nine or ten years later.
It will be a day like any other.
Routine and unexceptional. But, for a surprising instant, you will look at your longtime friend and see age where you once saw youth. You will see slow deliberate steps where you once saw energy. And you will see sleep when you once saw activity. So you will begin to adjust your friend's diet--and you may add a pill or two to her food. And you may feel a growing fear deep within yourself, which bodes of a coming emptiness. And you will feel this uneasy feeling, on and off, until the third day finally arrives.

And on this day--if your friend and God have not decided for you, then you will be faced with making a decision of your own--on behalf of your lifelong friend, and with the guidance of your own deepest Spirit. But whichever way your friend eventually leaves you--you will feel as alone as a single star in the dark night.

If you are wise, you will let the tears flow as freely and as often as they must. And if you are typical, you will find that not many in your circle of family or friends will be able to understand your grief, or comfort you.

But if you are true to the love of the pet you cherished through the many joy-filled years, you may find that a soul--a bit smaller in size than your own--seems to walk with you, at times, during the lonely days to come.

And at moments when you least expect anything out of the ordinary to happen, you may feel something brush against your leg--very very lightly.

And looking down at the place where your dear, perhaps dearest, friend used to lay--you will remember those three significant days. The memory will most likely to be painful, and leave an ache in your heart--As time passes the ache will come and go as if it has a life of its own.
You will both reject it and embrace it, and it may confuse you. If you reject it, it will depress you. If you embrace it, it will deepen you. Either way, it will still be an ache.

But there will be, I assure you, a fourth day when--along with the memory of your pet--and piercing through the heaviness in your heart--there will come a realization that belongs only to you. It will be as unique and strong as our relationship with each animal we have loved, and lost. This realization takes the form of a Living Love--like the heavenly scent of a rose that remains after the petals have wilted, this Love will remain and grow--and be there for us to remember. It is a love we have earned. It is the legacy our pets leave us when they go. And it is a gift we may keep with us as long as we live. It is a Love which is ours alone. And until we ourselves leave, perhaps to join our Beloved Pets--it is a Love we will always possess.

A Dog’s Plea

Treat me kindly, my beloved friend, for no heart in the World
Is more grateful for kindness that my loving heart.
Do not break my spirit with a stick, for though I would lick your hand between blows,
your patience and Understanding will more quickly teach me the things you Want me to learn.

Speak to me often, for your voice is the world’s sweetest Music, as you know by the fierce wagging of my tail when Your footstep falls upon my waiting ear.
I ask no greater joy than the privilege Of sitting at your feet beside the hearth.

Feed me good food, that I may stay well, to play and hunt
and do your bidding, to walk by Your side,
and stand ready, willing and able to protect you with my life, should your life be in danger.

And, my friend, when I no longer enjoy good health,
Do not make heroic efforts to keep me going.
I am not having any fun.
I shall leave this earth knowing With the last breath I draw,
That my fate was always safest in your hands.

In Memory of Roxie
A Good Friend—A Good Ol’ Dog

The Creation
When God had made the earth and sky
the flowers and the trees,
He then made all the animals
the fish, the birds and bees.

And when at last He'd finished
not one was quite the same.
He said, "I'll walk this world of mine
and give each one a name."

And so He traveled far and wide
and everywhere He went,
a little creature followed Him
until it's strength was spent.

When all were named upon the earth
and in the sky and sea,
the little creature said, "Dear Lord,
there's not one left for me."

Kindly the Father said to him,
"I've left you to the end.
I've turned my own name back to front
and called you dog, My friend."

Author Unknown

One Week Has Gone By

It's Monday. Last Monday we took Roxie to the Animal Hospital & tearfully bid her goodbye. A whole week has gone by & time is finally starting to help. That & seeing Roxie here & there. God, I miss her. But a few friends have helped me get thru the self-torture of guilt & remorse altho'... there are still moments. I am only crying once or twice a day now & that's a vast improvement. But I think I should continue to let myself cry more. Once I started trying to squelch my grief & tears, I started breaking out in itchy bumps again (eczema.)
I swear to God... If it ain't one thing, it's another.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

I Finally Saw Roxie!

So it finally happened today! Roxie came by to spend some time with me. It was wonderful & a total surprise how it happened.

First I drove to the Flee Market & Charlie showed up sitting next to me, holding Roxie in his lap. He said, "I told you she was okay, see?" It was so great. He laid her down in the front seat & climbed in the back. This of course was in my mind - that's how it comes.. Just thoughts out of the blue.

Okay next, I went to the gym & was walking on the treadmill watching the HGTV channel with headphones. Suddenly Roxie was walking on the treadmill next to me - like when we would walk down the street, just so nonchalantly. It made me smile.

Next I was doing the breast stroke in the small pool with a noodle under my arms & suddenly, there was Roxie swimming next to me - sailing thru the water, smoothly with no effort like a dang bird-dog! That was so wierd, because she never swam before, never walked on a treadmill either for that matter.

Lastly she showed up in the steam room, just laying up on the shelf next to me. I was like 'Roxie, Roxie, Roxie!!!' She gave me the message that she would be with me whenever I need her, don't worry. She was calm, quiet, loving & peaceful. It was SO GREAT! I feel better now.

Yeah, I know I'm crazy. But I do have this gift now & then! Everybody has it, actually. You just have to quiet yourself & let it come.

Still Guilty

I am trying to get better, (ie happier... ha!) I'm just sad. And SO damn guilty. I THINK I BROKE MY DOG'S HEART. She trusted me, & here I was holding her on my lap while Doris drove us to the Animal Hospital to end her life. She started shaking like a leaf - she had NEVER done that before. She must have been so scared & confused. I KNOW she didn't want to die. I doubt she was ready. It shouldn't have been "her time." I just couldn't make her better & I saw her getting worse. She didn't want to eat much, she had started to 'stagger' when she walked & moved slow, & she started to loose her balance when she stooped to poop. But she didn't whine, or cry, or act like she was in pain yet. I have no money, I couldn't afford to have tests done, biopsies taken from all her lumps or the softball-sized lump coming out of her side, or surgery. She tried to be so good when we walked into the Vet, & when I put her on my lap on the couch. She leaned against my chest & couldn't look at me again. I don't know if she was looking at Doris, she was facing her sitting next to me. Doris & I were both hysterical, so I guess maybe Roxie tried her best to be a good dog so we wouldn't be upset. Oh my God, I think we broke her heart by forcing her to die that sunny afternoon. It should have been a beautiful day.

And why didn't I feel her spirit when it left her body? I thought I would. Why can't we communicate together now? Charlie has come & told me Roxie is just fine, she's great, stop worrying. (Charlie is an old ex-boyfriend that passed on & drops in now & then, & also leaves me pennies here & there, & often chatters up a storm in the car on the way to the airport...but sometimes he just sits in the back seat with his berret on, leather jacket & jeans. enjoying the ride.) ( My Parents often drive with me to & from the airport Daddy on my left, Mother on my right & also sometimes Giboney rides (a friend from a rap group that passed) along. Sometimes they are all there & it gets really crowded. ) Also when my cousin Eleanore passed she came to visit so I would call her daughter & tell her some things. You can imagine how her daughter took that - she thinks I'm a bonafide nut! Eleanore leaves me shiney dimes now & then.

Anyway... because I have a touch of the 'Gift' I thought for sure Roxie would be able to talk to me. So far I have only smelled her here & there, which is suspect because Im still wearing the clothes & jacket/scarf I had on that day & her smell is still in the house. But Anyway---

I just feel SO guilty, she was so innocent & trusted me & I had her killed. I don't know if I can forgive myself for this one.

I Just Feel So Guilty

I have felt a bit better the past 3 days, but then it comes back & hits like a bee sting to the heart. Well, that's some of the time.
The other time it's like a gushing STAB wound to the heart. The heart... what a fragile organ. (Which reminds me, I didn't take my Lipator today.)

Sometimes it's like a bolt of lightening to the soul or maybe a hatchet to the brain.

I'll be feeling better (usually EATING, stuffing my gut or escaping my sorrows with some other ungodly addiction
(shopping)) & maybe even begin to attempt a chuckle here, a chortle there, and then

The old grinding, empty gut ache returns along with remembering bereavement & loss.

Like walking along thru life just fine & then that sharp, knawing pain of arthritis suddenly grips a limb when the weather turns damp... & oh yeah "I have arthritis now..." you remember new pain.

The torment & suffering returns.

Ah yeah, the pain of reality, or more to the point the agony of death.

God, what a DRAG.

But today was better.
Until now...
Until the dark.

Isn't that always the way?

Friday, November 14, 2008

Had a Few Laughs Today

I had a full day & kept busy, trying not to obsess over my little Roxie so much. Went to the airport to pickup a check from my credit union savings, emptied it out.

Then to medical to get a flu shot. (YEA! I finally did it, always need a flu shot - I'm around so many cootiefied people, plus I'm a weakling in the stamina & resistance department.)

Deposited the check in my bank, then payed the mortgage. (Phew, that's done this month.)

Then we went to see the new dumbass James Bond movie, have no idea WHAT the hell it was even about. But it did occupy my mind with that huge screen of car crashes, plane crashes & other mundane violence. The butter popcorn was great tho' & man, did I stuff down my feelings.

Then returned a baby stroller for twins (somebody bought & supreme "cadillac" version for $300, so my little $100 Jeep brand which I was so excited about in the beginning had to go back.) Baby showers are such a bore.

Bought instead a bunch of newborn baby clothes, & then of course what else?- TWO large evening bag clutches for all the inagural balls & other fancy occasions I'll never go to! Maybe I'll use one at the next high school reunion dinner in 2010! (Gee hope I'm still alive.) smile.

But if I kick the bucket before then, at least I know my little Roxie Moto will be there to great me when I come thru the light!

I thought I was getting better, but maybe not!

Yesterday I surrounded Roxie's grave with gray bricks, bought so many stones, & pretty baubles & spread them all over the middle, put 2 black & white small statues by the side of her head (to symbolize us, & 2 black & white cat statues (to symbolize Boo Boo & Panther), a sign that said "Angel" at the head, & her name in white letters at the bottom of her feet. Then I put a big, heavy cross (about 1 1/2 ft) at the top & laid a wooden cross across the middle.

Today I got up early & went out collecting Huge rocks from the creek to put around the bricks because the bricks don't look that great. I may take them out. Doris is going to shit when she sees the grave. She is already getting over this & told me to stop crying last night because my eyes are constantly all red & puffy. And she is starting to get rather annoyed today when I bring Roxie up & get upset.

I think I am getting better, sort of. I didn't cry ALL day today, just some times. It's sort of like waves. I miss her. She was so sweet. I was the world's worst mother. I'll always have guilt over it. It's a good thing I never had babies, don't know HOW the flying moms do it being gone so much. Doris has to take care of the animals when I'm on a trip & always resented it. Still, she was always good to them & they all adore her so much. That's why I was shocked when she cried so much at the time we had to let Roxie go, & seemed to be taking it worse than I was. So I don't understand how she can be over it so soon because I really feel so stuck in mourning.

It's so hard to believe Roxie was here & alive 4 days ago, & then later that day she was gone. It's weird but I still feel a need to go out at night to 'walk the dog,' which I did do tonight even in the pouring rain. All the little spots she liked to stop, all the big piles of leaves she'd trot thru & sniff around to see what other dogs had left their mark that day... And believe it or not, I think I can still smell her all the time. I may just be crazy, but possibly she may be coming around to check on us. I hope so.

Please forgive me Roxie, for not taking better care of you, for not loving you as well as I should have. For not giving you more time & attention. You were such a precious, shining ray of love & abounding energy. And such a good, good baby thru to the end. I'm sorry I broke down on you at the animal hospital, I had wanted to be strong but it was impossible. It must have been so confusing for you. God I hope your passing wasn't horrendous, I am so sorry I put you thru that. I just didn't know what to do, Roxie... I just didn't know & so I went on auto-pilot. You tried so hard to please us, even to the bitter end as you just laid in my arms & finally waited for your fate. I hope you know I did it out of love. I don't think I can ever get over it. I'm so sorry, my little brave princess, my sweet baby angel.

I feel so grateful that Roxie was our dog. I remember the 1st time I saw her at the pet store, such a tiny little silver peanut. I ran home immediately to tell Doris because she had mentioned at times that she'd wanted a Schnauzer. We went the next day & they got her down & put her in the private viewing room with us, she ran up to me & tried to jump up into my lap with her short little puppy legs, I gathered her up into my arms & tears just begain pouring from my eyes. She was a present for Doris, but I loved her the most.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Guilt & Remorse

Dogs are so wonderful.
I just don't think I'm going to get another one.
Can't take it.

I'll always have a couple of cats, however.
They're just easier.
Boo Boo misses Roxie, but Panther could care less & is probably glad to have "the DOG" out of the house. They all shared a room together altho Roxie slept in her 'crate' at night... which they used to go into when she was out, drink her water &/or just lay there. (Guess grass is always greener on the other side, even to the critters.)

I've been crying all day on & off. I feel like a murderer, I had never had an animal put to sleep before & I really dont think she wanted to die. I feel like I betrayed her, like I was her Judas. She tried to rally in the end, leading us as we were walking into the building, -even tho' she was shaking in my lap on our way in the car. God, it was terrible.

I think she was sad she didn't feel well, & had stopped wanting to eat (this was monumental as she ate everything in site - one reason she stayed in her big cage at night,) had a tumor the size of a softball growing out of her side as well as smaller lumps all over her body, & finally - her back legs were getting so weak they would cave in when she'd stoop to poop, & she would walk slow & wobbly. She was starting to show these signs of illness, but I don't think she was in much pain yet - which is another reason I feel SO guilty... I took her out before all the pain hit & maybe she wasn't ready yet. I really don't think she was ready.

She looked at me with these dark brown, forlorn eyes in the end like she was thinking "Why?" God, it was so terrible, I was hysterically crying telling her I loved her so much, that she was the best doggie in the whole world & I was so sorry, that heaven would be wonderful & she'd see Jesus & my mother would be there to meet her (come to think of it, maybe I shouldn't have said that, but my mother always loved her dogs, so I was calling on her to help..) as I held her in my lap so close, stroking her head while the kind Dr shot 2 seditives into her vein & then the final shot that did her in. 3 needles. Doris was right next to me sobbing, telling Roxie she loved her, & petting her warm limp body,... she was thinking Rah Rah was looking at her, but she wasn't - she was already gone.
I couldn't tell either - I thought I would feel her spirit leave, or her body just drop or change, or draw her last breath, but she just still felt so warm & heavy leaning against me, just docile trying to please us even in the end. I know she was scared. Oh my GOD.

It seemed all so peaceful even though I felt wracked with such a storm of guilt & remorse. How could I do such a thing to the sweetest little girldog ever? I was such a terrible mother, if only I'd had more money, enough to take better care of her, to afford more Dr's & operations to prolong her life. I don't even know what was wrong with her, because that last time I took her in for shots, I told the Dr I couldn't afford the blood tests or exploratory surgery, & didn't want to mess with her since she was still bouncing around with the energy of a puppy & wasn't acting sick or in pain. Now looking back that was only the beginning of last summer...

We wrapped her up in the towel they put in my lap & a clean, white sheet we'd brought & carried her out to the car, both of us sobbing on the way home. Doris started digging a little grave in the back yard under the trees, by the creek where Roxie use to run & play. I joined in trying to help her, the ground was so hard & cold. We gently laid her to rest & then covered her with the earth & falling leaves. I circled the grave with big rocks & stones, set a big angel up at the right side of where the top of her head would be & layed branches in the shape of a cross in the middle. I was so sad. It was the worst day of my life ever.

Monday, November 10, 2008

The Saddest Day of My Life

Today my partner & I had to put down our precious Roxie. She was such a gorgeously handsome, black & silver (salt & pepper) Schnauzer & we had her for about 12 years. Maybe 13. She was divinely classy as she trotted along with her head held high when we took her for her nightly walks, & she was very gentle & friendly towards children along the street. She was fiercely protective whenever someone came near our home & would bark ferociously at the top of her lungs as if she could tear them to pieces. She adored us & was such a good little Roxie Moto, loving us unconditionally as doggies always seem to do. She was the perfect dyke dog because she was beautiful, but TOUGH with an attitude! God, I loved her! Doris loved her too, & Roxie loved us back with all her sweet little heart & soul. What a precious baby, our angel dog. Rest in Peace Roxie Moto, we'll never be the same without you.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008


OMG!!!! OMG!!!!

I am SO Excited

I can NOT believe it.

I wanted to celebrate with Doris, but she was busy on the phone with her Grandaughter. I was downstairs & Tiffany called her, i heard her talking & said "Did he win? did he win?" She just ignored me. I ran up the steps & said did he WIN??? She said yes, but kept talking to Tiffy. I felt hurt. I had fantasized about us jumping up & down, screaming & hugging - But- it wasn't to be.
I felt hurt. And alone.

But I got over it.
We laid in bed listening to his acceptance speech, tears running down our cheeks. Afterwards we hugged & kissed. It was all good.

BARACK OBAMA, our 1st black president! (I was pissed Texass voted McCain - why was I surprised?? God, I'm glad I got out!) I'm happy I have lived to see this day!

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Flying Out Again Today & Back on Halloween

I have been SO busy flying (just started my 41st year!), PLUS I had to go to DFW for recurrent training (we have to go thru it every year for the FAA to keep up our flying credentials) (evacuating airplanes, opening window exits, putting out fires, reviewing medical proceedures, working defibrilators & doing mmr/ccc, etc). It is grueling & exhausting & boring & we all dread it. Then I had to fly again the next 2 days... Shit man, I am pooped.

I am staying in bed all day today, catching up on my email & favorite blogs.... ah ecstacy! That is until I have to get up & go to my favorite Weight Watchers meeting... which I shall be up 1 or 2 lbs because i ate butter popcorn at the movies yesterday (The Secret Life of Bees - great! And W - also great) AND Chinese food afterwards. Man it is SO hard to fight weight gain. I have the propensity to be a giant blimp. Crap.

God I hope Obama wins. I don't trust middle America, tho. They're all so stupid. (and I of course am just such a Mensa, - HA!....... (NOT.)

I can't find my witches hat & cape for halloween... I'm flying back from Lax that day & always cause quite a stir as I pull my wheels thru the terminal with that big ole pointy hat (with feathers around the edges) & black cape flying thru the breeze. I even have a short broom to go with my ensemble. Now, where did I put that damn costume???

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Movies & Butter Popcorn, Yea!

Ye Gads, it snowed in Jersey yesterday! DANG. Big ole flakes fallin' down with the pouring rain. So weird. And freezing cold! I am not ready.

So, went to the movies... Saw 'The Secret Life of Bees' which was wonderful, don't know why it didn't get better reviews. And 'W' which was also really good, I was surprised I liked it. When I see movies of Texas it tugs at my heartstrings since I grew up there. Good thing I escaped.

We have a website for our Texas high school 60's grads, but right now most everyone is talkin trash about Obama & voting for McCain. So scarey. Middle America is so stupid. Really. There are so many people that think Pallin is "just darling" & Obama is a muslim/terrorist. Give me a fuckin' break, it's enough to make you hurl.

Can't wait for tue to come, God I hope Obama wins.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

A Sad Situation

Went to Delaware to see an ex-girlfriend of Doris' who has come down with Lou Gerhig's Disease. It is terrible. She can't walk, she can't talk, she can't eat - she chokes on all food, she constantly drools, & she cries all the time. (totally understandable.) There is no cure & it supposedly only gets worse. Now THAT's depressing.

This is a woman who used to be fat, a great cook, & a food addict. Between 200-300lbs. When she 1st lost her motor skills we thought she had a stroke from her obesity & bad eating habits. It is so scary.

I am grateful I am working to get a grip on my weight thru WW & all my friends there. I go for weigh-in today & fear I am up because I did eat a lot of crap on that trip since it was so stressful. Stress eating, a big downfall.

I really don't want to gain back weight I've lost & have a stroke from bad eating habits. This woman now has a feeding tube thru her stomach & feels so resentful she can't eat any of the Delicious food she smells & sees her friends eating. (That sounds a little too familiar - I am always resentful of Doris eating ice cream & Hydrox cookies, & feel she is sabotaging me... etc.)

I am so grateful Doris & I are still healthy & well.
Thankyou God.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Transfer to Blogger.com

I am Hating moving my dumb ole blog which I hardly ever write in anyway.
I am so LAME on computers in the first place.
I can't make the letters bigger.
I miss my old font.
(I am trying them all out here..)
Honestly, I can never read all of your blogs that regularly use blogspot because the print is so small.
Which brings up another thing - nobody's blog transfered here on the list, I guess I'll have to start it all over again, (the favorite blog list, I mean.)
Hey, at least the last font was dark & heavy.
Guess I choose this one, 'verdana' - at least I THINK that's what it is, the print in the font choice is SO SMALL I can barely see it.
Also I liked having a purple & lavender blog at AOL. This pink is the only one I could find on the 'blog choice menu.'
oh, What the hell eVER.

I don't write that much anymore anyway.
Life is too stressful right now.
Geesh, like I need this stupid blog transfer drama bullshit right now.
Dumbass AOL.

Sunday, September 07, 2008

September Is Here Already??? dang.

I LOVE SUMMER, I don't want it to end. 
snarful, cough!
I KNOW it's hot.  I KNOW I have hot flashes on top of that.  I KNOW our frickin' central air-conditioning broke this year (it was hell) & we made "do" with a window air-conditioner in our upstairs bedroom. (Worked fine, & boy did we save on the electric bill!)  I KNOW the mosquitos could give us west nile virus or worse...  geeze I could go on & on... 

I KNOW the changing of the leaves are spectacular & the most gorgeous time of the year, esp in the Poconos.  I KNOW the crispness in the air is so fresh & revitalizing.  I KNOW the flights get back to 'normal' with all the rugrats back in school, vacations over & just regular business passengers that are 'aware' of the fucked up changes in flying & are already 'over' it, thus easier trips. 

But I LOVE SUMMER.  I love the smell of sunshine, fresh cut lawns, flowers, the ocean waves crashing on the shore, chirping birds & even crickets & croaking frogs!  Summer is so short here in the East.  I should SO live in LA.  But Doris won't go.  sigh.

Yeah, yeah yeah - Fall is the greatest time of the year, BUT it too only last a short minute.  Like summer, the bliss is SO quick.  Then here comes the weather, rainstorms, sleet & snow, & there goes the sun & light.  Here comes my depression from light deprivation, there goes the lazy hazy days outside, here comes the prison of staying indoors from the frickin' 'elements.' 

Waaaaa waaaaa waaaa, oh let me just shut the F up right now.  It is what it is, this is where I live with my frickin' beloved...
snarlll, snort.

I'm lucky I'll have trips to Lax to get to the sunny skies, green grass & palm trees in the winter time.  Hopefully.  The way things are going our airline may take that away from us too, they've already CANCELLED all but ONE Los Angelos trip into & out of Newark Airport.  Driving to JFK is out of the question, esp in bad weather.  So I pray to maintain "status quo."

Okay, I'll stop bitching now.  (For the moment!)
Let me get outside & enjoy the sunny warmth while I still can.  oye.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Nominating Barack

Watching history being made tonight!  Soon Barack will accept the nomination...  I was for Hillary & am dissappointed she was not chosen for VP.  pissed actually.  BUT I shall be happy for Obama & support the democrats.  Why ANYone would vote for 4 more years of Republican bullshit is beyond me.  But if Dumb Butts did it for the last TWO terms, I supposed it is possible.  Hopefully NOT. 

Doris came home from the hospital where she ended up 3 days with a bad UTI, Kidney infection.  She was SICK & now is home trying to build up her stregnth.  I am RELIEVED.  phew!

I am down to 158 lbs now.  Yea!  I am doing well at WW. 

I am flying out to Lax tomorrow & life goes on.

Now, let's get down the nomination of the first Black president!!!  Oh yeah.

Sunday, July 20, 2008


On Thur 7/17/08 Doris & I celebrated our 27th Anniversary!  pretty Amazing! 

We went to the shore at Ocean Grove, set our blue, hooded chairs up on the boardwalk & just chilled! 

It was a glorious day- sunny, blue skies, stratus clouds, Quiet, Peaceful, with a cooling breeze in the summer heat!  Seagulls & smaller birdies sailed above, butterflies hopped from flower to flower on the dunes, & that exquisite sound of waves crashing on the shore made a perfect, lazy afternoon into evening. 

We ate at our favorite Main Street 'joint' which is an old apothecary drug store/soda fountain turned into a great restaurant.  Love the Salmon Caesar salad there!

We had both gotten balloons & cards for each other, & Doris got us 3 pink roses!  I have to say it was So Great having the RV at the beach so there is always a bathroom handy.  Phew, man!  always gotta pee.

It was a wonderful day, love after 27yrs is a beautiful thing!  Comfortable & still vibrant!  I was so happy.  It was a perfect celebration.

Oh, also I cut my hair!  OFF!  SHORT!  This is the third cut in 2 months.  The first one took off 13 inches & was below the shoulders with hair going over my left eye.  Doris liked it okay but just stared at me the 1st day cause she never saw me without long hair.  She called me Veronica with that cut. 

Next I cut it above my shoulders as it was too hot wearing it down all the time. That took 8 more inches off & was a medium 'bob'.  Doris hated it & I did too.  It was too dull, she said I looked like an old church lady & I had to agree.  It looked like that 'doo' that Star Jones had with the glasses.  It was boring & I needed an edge. 

So a week ago off it all came.  6 more inches (looked like a dead varmint on the floor!)  Surprise of all surprises, after decades of long straight hair, the back is short & curly, the top & front I have to curl & I have a bit of a pomp!  It's so cute & Doris likes it (anything was better than the last) & she is now calling me Shortie.  She definitely liked my long hair the best, tho'.  It can always grow back.  But for now, I love it, it feels so light & cool for the summertime!  I'm happy!!!  I just need to learn how to do it, it will take time.  Sorry I don't know how to do pictures on this blog.  You'll just have to use your imagination!

Saturday, June 28, 2008

I Got Nothin' Much to Say

Dang.  I can not believe how little I've written in my blog this year, when it used to be all I focused on.  I'm thinking my life just isn't that interesting, however it hasn't been bad!  Mainly, I am flying overtime as usual & resting on my few days off.. ie laying around the house & watching TV.  ha!  I am seriously tired but life goes on.

The rest of my focus is on loosing weight with WW & last time around I was so booring constantly talking about it in this online journal that I swore I wouldn't subject folks to that anymore.  Hence I started the special Elist for WW folks to write into ea day with their progress & problems & it has helped me focus.  And since it IS about loosing weight, I don't feel so self conscious talking about it all the time.  So far I am now down to 165.  Yea!  Getting there!  And I do write in that everyday.

As for turning 61- the body seems to be breaking down wierdly enough...  I had mentioned the back going out, then my neck going out 2 weeks later.  Well the latest is 2 more weeks later my damn right KNEE went out which really scared me because that is new.  I was worried it wouldn't get better, but now it seems to come & go.  I definately don't like this & I have stopped all work outs at the gym until the ole knee hopefully gets better.  Oddly enough I can't believe I am still loosing weight without all the treadmill & machine work outs.  I would still be healthier if I did exercise, tho'.

Doris & I have been doing well & have another anniversary coming up next month.  She has had the grandkids staying over on days I have flown out of town.  That has been great for me. 

Oh, & I have cut my hair again, so that is a huge difference...  First I cut it 11 inches & it was beautiful but grew fast & hung on my shoulders making me so hot for the summer.  So now I cut it 8 more inches & it is above my shoulders.  I don't like this "bob" so much & am thinking about cutting it even shorter, altho' Doris won't like it.   I am trying to figure out how to style it,  it is hard since I've had it long all my life. 

So now you see why I haven't written in a month.  Pure booring drek.  I'll write again when I have something to say.
Adios MF's!

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

A Good Day

I lost 2.6 lbs at WW today at weigh-in.  I am shocked.  My back & neck have been out so no exercise for so long.  i overate some Chinese food a week ago & had butter popcorn at Sex In the City.  I have drank 2 liters of water a day & I guess that must have really helped!  I finally broke thru 170 lbs & I'm now at 168 !  I'm actually going down.  Wow.  I am grateful.  Going to meetings & the new website I started for WW'ers in our leader Ann's group is what has helped. 

Doris & I are perfectly good today.  Wierd.  But I'm not going to complain, I am definately grateful for that too.


Doris & I had a big fight this afternoon.  Huge fight.
It was about money.
She doesn't ever seem to have much, certainly not enough to pay her part of the bills.  She says she 'pays them', but she only partially pays & so the rest is added on to the next bill & the next, etc.  It's very difficult dealing with someone like this. I really want to eat over it.  Stuff down all those negative feelings.

She claims to have paid "everything.  I paid it all" before she retired.  She did not as I always paid the mortgage & she paid the other stuff.  Anyway, I don't know how I'm supposed to pay all the rest as well as the mortgage, I just simply don't make enough money.  I can't do real estate anymore, it's not for me. 

My back went out a few weeks ago, & my neck had just gotten better from going out.  But it now has gone out again, so I can't work out at the gym.  I'm not looking fwd to weigh in at WW tomorrow. 

Doris informed me she would be moving out to a senior citizen apt building & I can just keep the damn house.  That everything was fine when she worked & had money, but now I am just driving her crazy.  Ah, yeah back at ya.

We really scream at each other now.  I'm sure the damn neighbors can hear us.  But after that, things seem to be back to normal. 

I later asked, so when do you think you'll be moving to the Sr Citizen building?  She laughed & said I ain't going anywhere babe.  But I just wonder....

Sunday, May 25, 2008


WOW!  I am old!  Holy crap I'm 61!  My brain doesn't feel that way as I still don't know what the hell I'm doing in life from day to day.  BUT my freakin' back went out on my flight 2 days ago so my body is feeling decrepit.  Therefore this birthday is a bit of a downer, altho' I KNOW this pain isn't permanent as it is getting less each day. 

I used it as an excuse Not to go to church today & just lay around & rest.  Also I shall be missing a bbq after church that as much as I LOVE that food, I really need to stay away since I'm back to loosing weight.  (Oh gee, 3 big lbs in 3 weeks -woo!) 

I've totally neglected my blog since I started my cool, new website for our WW group.  It has helped keep me focused & working hard.  In fact I'm thinking maybe all that time I've spent on the treadmill & machines (6 out of 7 days ea week) is what jostled my back so much that it went out more easily when we hit turbulence in flight.  (probably nOt!)  I just really don't understand why this happened since I thought my body'd be stronger with all this working out at the gym.  Guess it will just take time to actually get stronger.  Hopefully.

So when I got home from the airport Doris had beautiful pink roses, 3 great balloons & 2 mushy, fabulous cards waiting for me on the kitchen table!  The next morning she called me from her car place where they told her she needed a new tire (socked it to her in the tune of $200.)  We met for brunch at  Perkins then went to a few stores, then home, then back out to Charlie Brown's for my birthday dinner (which she couldn't even afford to pay for since she had to put out all that money for the stupid tire.)  She really had wanted to go into the City to see fleet week & all the sailors & ships.  Hey, wait a minute, this is MY birthday damn it. 

Afterwards we just came home & eventually crawled into bed.  Jeese I was SO tired that I couldn't even stay awake to midnight & went to sleep at 1130pm.  Huh???  I'm always up 'till 0300am.

On turning 61, I am grateful I'm still alive & basically have good health, the bad back isn't permanent, at least not at 61 yet!  I have a job I don't hate & I'm not depressed today.  It has been really hard trying to deal with all the Debt Doris has accrued, actuallymaybe I should say trying NOT to deal with it. 

My fear is possibly loosing the house eventually, but probably that wont happen as I can still pay the mortgage ea month.  Good thing I still have a job, but internally I feel it's not fair.  I have broken out with itchy hives here & there, & I know it's my rage at all this popping out thru my skin.  On the surface, I still love & adore Doris, but underneath I do have obvious (Seething!) resentments. 

I'm not going anywhere tho', sticking here with her to the end.  I finally figured out what the hell...  if we do loose our home (small & humble as it is) we can always move back into an apartment or rent a house, or go to a senior citizen's building.  Life will still go on. 

The important thing is LOVE & good health.  Seriously.  Everything else is just ICING on the cake of life!  An when you thing of it, every new day is a birthday of sorts.

Friday, May 09, 2008

I Only lost 1 Dang Lb Again This Week

I am SO discouraged.  I only lost 1.4 frickin' lbs on WW weigh in.  WTF???

Let me tell you; 
I have done the damn treadmill 45min almost everyday (not 20 min, not 30min but FOURTYFIVE M.F. MINUTES everyday, even on my stupid layover in lax. 
I have counted the damn points everyday.
I have hardly eaten anything sinful & delicious & have just stayed in the 'healthy choices' perimeter.
I stopped drinking diet coke again finally (VERY hard). (Man, I miss caffeine!)
I'm drinking WATER all the time.  snore.

How could I have worked SO hard, esp on the treadmill (45min is LONG & boring, I have to read a magazine or book to get thru it) & have only lost a smidge over 1 lb???  I just don't get it. 

I'm exhausted & I have to fly out again tomorrow.  This layover I think I'll just STAY IN BED an extra hour instead of getting up early to go down to the hotel gym (altho' they DO have great cybex equip.)  But screw it, I'm taking the sleep instead of the exercise - one dippy pound???

The first time around loosing the 50lbs was hard & all, but I never did the exercise other than hitting Curves about once or twice a week for 30 min.  This time I'm working out in a real healthclub/gym for long periods of time, should I not expect to loose more weight faster than the last time around???
Seriously, what the hell???

Okay, rant over (for now!)

Thursday, May 08, 2008

That First Trip After Vacation...

Have MERcy.
About 1 hour before landing a female psgr attacked a male Flight Attendant in the aft galley because they wouldn't serve her any more vodka. 

She had been told to sit down & fasten her seat belt because the seat belt sign was on.  She wouldn't move & kept asking for vodka.  (Earlier she could barely stay on her feet going to the lav & needed help getting back to her seat.)  She kept asking for vodka all night (5 1/2 hr flight) & did not like that she had been cut off. 

When she wouldn't sit down when the seat belt sign went on, she lunged into the galley & grabbed the intercom phone out of a FA'S hand & started bashing him in the head with it repeatedly, she started hitting & scratching him with her other hand.  3 FA's were sitting on the aft jumpseat (myself included) & we jumped up & tried to stop her.  Her adrenalin was SO powerful we couldn't pull her off, he was bleeding from his temple & long sabre scratchmarks on his arm, & she knocked out a cap on his tooth.  He was backed up against the ovens trying to cover his face & protect himself.  Another male FA finally got her off him & escorted her back to her seat, where she became docile then fell asleep. (passed out!)  Police & paramedics met the flight on landing in NJ.  I can't say much else as it's now turned over to the FBI. 

The thing is it was so scarey.  It happened SO fast, she just snapped.  Also she was so small (about 5'7") & slim & waifish, I would have never thought she would have any kind of power.  OMG.   It was really terrible. My friend was taken to a hospital in an ambulance & had a tetnus shot.  He isn't back to work yet. 

I just flew another trip with the other 2 FA's involved & we are all achey & exhausted & rather lethargic...  I personally just couldn't get any speed up tonight, I just didn't care.  I mean I cared about the psgrs, but not about how fabulous I worked the flight.  And of course you all must realize by now I am an awesome, fast & efficient Flight Attendant.  Or I was.  ha!

I have one day off, I am going to the gym & WW. 

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Last Day Of Vacation

I'm sad.  This is the last day of my 2 week vacation.  While I'm grateful to have had time off, it just wasn't enough.  Never is. 
boo hoo.

Oh shut up Kathy & be satisfied  for what you've got & happy you have a job to go to.  shish. 

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Fat & (un?)Happy

I'm still struggling with my weight which is up again to 175.  I really dont want to deprive myself of all the delecious SHIT I got back in the habit of eating since I dropped that 50lbs a year 1/2 ago.  I still go to WW, even tho' I keep eating crap & keep gaining.  BUT---
I started this great website for those of us in that wed's 530p WW group to write our thoughts & feelings on.  It's a yahoogroup so it's free, & it's really COOL. 

Unfortunately only 2 other women have joined it, so there are 3 of us chatting back & forth.  But it's the first week, so I'll see next wed why no one else has responded.  Maybe they're just having a hard time signing up for it.  (Or maybe they're a bunch of big dumbasses not realizing what a great opportunity to help ea other this would be! ha!)  OR maybe a computer geek MIGHT hav started a better site for us, which would be fine cause I really dont know what I'm doing.  I'm just kinda proud of myself that I actually figured out how to do this, & quite frankly that it has turned out so COOL (imo!)

But the thing is that this is all so frivilous compared to some friend's plight in life at the moment. 

One old friend is loosing his huge, gorgeous home in Connecticut & having to move into a small puny rental.  He had to sell all his antiques, which were fabulous at an auction & got shafted there, not even making half of what he expected.  His lover has turned into a real bitch behind it all (they've been together for 3 decades) & it's miserable for them both. (gay men.)

Then I just found out another male friend whom I love & work with at times has just been told he has HIV.  The lover he got it from KNEW that he had it & never told him.  Such a crime.  I am SO sad for him even tho' there are many drugs now & much hope for long lives for PWA now.

I should not complain.  Life is fine for me.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

On Vacation!

Vacations go too fast.  One week is already gone, one more to go.  Which is short, but better than no more time off.

So I immediately gassed up the RV & drove 4 hrs. to my brother's in Pa.  I think it's been 10 years since I last visited because the cigarette smoking drove me nuts.  Well, glad I got over that- I was just glad to see him!

I was also glad to see that his wife's MS hasn't progressed too badly, altho' she might disagree, she uses a walker for balance to get around the house. 

They live very sparsely because they don't earn much money.  They both make exquisite glass beads that are amazingly beautiful & they sell them on EBay.  And Alan does carpentry & handyman jobs for people. 

Annie's oldest son & his wife are moving in with them taking the upstairs floor & that should help with their mortgage.  They seem to be okay with that, my Lord you all KNOW I'd be dying.  I would HATE not being able to walk around nude or having to close the bathroom door just to pee.  Anyway, they are cheerful, loving & open about it - which shows they are much kinder people than me!

I really enjoyed talking with Annie, we never had gotten on that well before as she was very young when they got married, & I still loved the 3rd (ex)wife.  They have now lasted 12 years & she is in her mid forties  & much more interesting (my brother is almost 59).  She gave me the most exquisite bead she made that I had admired, it is about 2 inches long & has 2 purple iris against a pink & green swirley background.  Beautiful! and generous.  I've been wearing it around my neck ever since.  If anybody is interested in some slammin' glass beads, you could probably look on EBay under ABartglass.  I don't know how to put a link up here.

Incedentally, I froze my ass off sleeping in that RV under a full moon that crisp April night in Pa.  Drove home later the next day!  Alan had come home from his job to cook a hearty lunch before I left.  He cooks all the meals for Annie & washes the dishes immediately afterward!  The night I arrived he'd made some delicious spaghetti & meat sauce for me (a favorite from our childhood) which I gobbled up!  Afterward he told me it was made with Deer meat.  OhGOD!  I ate a Bambi & felt guilty...  (This from someone who was a vegetarian for Decades.)  shish.

Alan & Annie don't have a TV & don't want one.  (I would surely DIE.)  They read to each other & have meaningful conversations, rent movie videos & are into their Baha'I' faith.  It's a simple life out there in the Pa. farm & Amish country & they seem truly happy!

As for me, I was happy to get back to the comfort of my own home.  Ain't no place like your own!

Saturday, April 05, 2008

A Couples Meme by Sassy

A Couples Meme by SASSYFEMME

1. How long have you been together?

26 Yrs, 27 in July!

2. Who pursued who?

I totally chased her gorgeous ass all over town, 'till she caught me.

3. Do you wear any type of wedding/commitment ring? If so, which hand?

We have matching gold bands with 5 diamonds on our left marriage finger...  Altho I've recently had to remove mine since I regained weight...I had made it smaller when I'd lost 50lbs...  & it's too damn tight.

4. What was the hardest thing about learning to live together?

In the beginning having sex with her children in the next room..Definately cramped my style.  For her the fact that I am not a neat person & she is. 

5. Who takes longer to get ready in the morning?

If I put on make-up, then I do.
If I don't put on makeup then she does (D. always puts on make-up.) We're both lipstick lesbians, but Doris is an exquisitely fancy butch!

6. Do you usually eat breakfast together?

At home I have 3 hardboiled egg whites, vitamins & a smoothie...  D has one hardboiled egg, vitamins & a smoothie & we usually eat this together quickly before running out the door. 
But often we go out for a nice brunch at Perkins or The Scotchwood Diner.

7. Do you ever share clothes?

Yes some stuff like Tee's or Sweatshirts, but mostly we have our own clothes- Doris is 6 ft tall so her stuff is a bit bigger plus she is VERY stylish, while I no longer care so much.  I can rally if I have to, but I just want comfort. I'm happy to wear a uniform so I don't have to think about it. 

8. Who does most of the cooking?

DORIS!!!  always. 
I can not cook.

9.Who usually takes out the trash?

I do if I'm in town. 

10. If you have pets who usually does litter box or poop patrol?

I do if I'm in town.  Doris would rather not have animals in the house even tho' they adore her.  She will do it if I'm gone however.

11. Which one of you is more likely to answer the phone when it rings?

Doris definately... unless she see's it's a creditor on the caller ID.  Also we each have our own rings (mine rings twice each ring) which I ask her not to answer in case it's crew schedule trying to draft me for a flight.  So if it just rings once each ring it's usually for her.

12. Who's in charge of the remote if you're watching TV together?

I want to be, she wants to be.  We fight for it ...-ie whomever grabs it first wins.  But not for long because Doris doesn't like my choices often (House Hunters) & also I flip channels a lot, so I let her eventually control the clicker because I know she'll usually fall asleep within 30-60 minutes...  Then it's mine all mine. 

13. Who usually drives when you go out together?

Usually Doris!  But somedays I do squire her around which she enjoys.  We each get on our nerves when the other drives.  ("be careful, watch out, you should have turned there.."etc.

14. Which one of you takes care of spiders and bugs that get into the house?

Doris does for sure.  She smashes them.  Often times when I try, I miss.

15. Facing the bed, who sleeps on which side?

Doris on the right closer to the bedroom door, I'm on the left close to the window.

16. Who usually checks the (postal) mailbox?

Luckily we have mail coming in the door slot on the livingroom floor!  But Doris generally goes for it first.  I personally don't want to see the bills.

17. If something breaks or goes wrong in the house, which one of you is more likely to either fix it or call someone to fix it?

Doris, thank God she has the ability!  However lately she tells me she can't do anything anymore cause she's gotten too old.  This has upset me, because she isn't old (72) & I don't get it - she Always used to be into so many "projects" with great zest.  I loved that about her!  2 days ago I said to her "you've Never heard me say I can't do anything because I'm too old"  to which she replied "because you've never done anything I did it all!" And we both laughed SO HARD because it was totally true...  Tonight when I came back from my flight she had fixed the leaky toilet & rebuilt the shelves that go over it!  Thank GOD - I was beginning to think I'd lost my wonderful handywoman.

18. Who is generally the neater of you?

Oh, please!  DORIS, hands down.

19. Who handles the checkbook/pays the bills?

Uhm.  Well.  We each "handle our own checkbooks" & pay certain bills...  including our own charge cards.  But unfortunately this has exploded in my face as my beloved has totally fucked her end up.  She has even retired 2 years ago with acute debt & won't get another job saying no one will hire a 72 yr old.  I don't know what to do.  I couldn't retire at 60 with my friends because of this.  I am dissenchanted.  I am angry.  I am pissed.  I am depressed.  I am scared.  I don't want to take a loan out against the house to pay for her debts (we are both on the mortgage.)  If we can't find a bank that does 'consolidation loans' then I guess she'll have to do bankruptcy.  I just keep going to work, picking up overtime like a motherfucker.  I'm tired.

20. What was your last fight/disagreement about?

Her damn youngest deadbeat son.  She loves him, of course.
And money.  Not good.

21. When you slow dance together, who leads?

Doris.  She can't follow for shit.

22. What do you love the most about your other half?

Believe it or not, we LAUGH a lot!  And we tell each other "I love You" often, everyday.   And have I mentioned how fucking beautiful she is?  She still makes me swoon.  I swear there is a LOT to be said about waking everyday to a fabulously gorgeous smiling face!

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Still Feel Blaa

Going back to work today, altho I'm not 100%.  If we are on the sick list longer than 6 days, then it counts for 2 instances..  which is so stupid & even dumber to try to explain to lay folks who dont fly.  If you get 3 instances in 1 year you are put on notice & have to go into LGA to talk to your supervisor & if you call in sick again you are fired.  So I am not that well - I am exhausted, but I have to go back because I am better than I was.  I was just trying to take care of myself with that chronic cough but I shall never again walk into a damn care center to get meds so I can take my trip out the next day because I wont have a Dr to depend on that understands a flight attendants plight.  When I went to my own Dr. for a follow up, she really couldnt put me on a "family leave" (something we can do if we are really ill for a while that doesnt count because the dr is standing behind your sickness & it will be forgiven..)  By the time I got to my own Dr I only have post nasal drip, a regular cough & ringing ears.  Still not good, but she couldnt put me on a family leave because I wasnt bad enough, at least according to her.  I am pissed because I still feel light shit, never-the-less I gotta go back to the job.  And it really is impossible to understand for you all, so I apologize for this boring entry.  snore. 

I shall be flying 4 days in a row, have one day off, fly 2 days have one day off, fly 2 days have 2 days off.  Then I'll fly 2 more days afterwhich I'll be on vacation for 2 weeks the end of Apr.  Okay. 

Still Feel Blaa

Going back to work today, altho I'm not 100%.  If we are on the sick list longer than 6 days, then it counts for 2 instances..  which is so stupid & even dumber to try to explain to lay folks who dont fly. 

If you get 3 instances in 1 year you are put on notice & have to go into LGA to talk to your supervisor & if you call in sick again you are fired.  So I am not that well - I am exhausted, but I have to go back because I am better than I was. 

I was just trying to take care of myself with that chronic cough but I shall never again walk into a damn care center to get meds so I can take my trip out the next day because I wont have a Dr to depend on that understands a flight attendants plight.

When I went to my own Dr. for a follow up, she really couldnt put me on a "family leave" (something we can do if we are really ill for a while that doesnt count because the dr is standing behind your sickness & it will be forgiven..)  By the time I got to my own Dr I only had post nasal drip, a regular cough & ringing ears.  Still not good, but she couldnt put me on a family leave because I wasnt bad enough, at least according to her. 

I am pissed because I still feel like shit, never-the-less I gotta go back to the job.  And it really is impossible to understand for you all, so I apologize for this boring entry.  snore. 

I shall be flying 4 days in a row, have one day off, fly 2 days have one day off, fly 2 days have 2 days off.  Then I'll fly 2 more days afterwhich I'll be on vacation for 2 weeks the end of Apr. 

I just gotta get thru flying 10 days in the next 2 weeks. Going into the Robot Zombie Mode in a few hours.  Once I get to the hotel I can decompress & should be back to "normal"...  which is so jet lagged you really don't know the difference! 

Prepare to enter the Z O N E....  Speak at ya later.

This is such an odd job, no?

Friday, March 28, 2008

A Tad Bit ill

Oye Vey.  Been flying my butt off, trying to make that overtime.  Very few days off.  While on a trip, thieves stole Doris' tires, rims, & hubcaps off her new (about 3 or 4 mo old) G6 Pontiac in the fucking driveway.  They even took the lugs, AND brought their own bricks to sit the damn car on. 

So on my very few days off I've been trying to help Doris tromp thru junk yards & tire sales since her insurance gave such a low-ball estimate.  It has been windy & freezing.  In the end, she went with the dealer she bought it from even tho Liberty Mutual does not want to pay half of what is needed to replace it all.  I spoke to them & gave them a few choice words & sentiments & it seems they may be sending another check out, but it remains to be seen if it will still be enough.  Pain in the ass for sure. 

Meanwhile back at the ranch I got a croupy cough that wouldn't quit, my lungs would squeeze so tight I could barely breathe.  I got in from a trip with only one day off before going out on the last trip of the month...  My Dr. wasn't in that day so I went to a walk-in care center to get a quick prescription for my cough &/or BRONCHITIS so I could work the next day without scaring everyone with my cooties.. 

Well hell, they kept me there about 4 hrs. stuck a catheter down my nostrils & sucked out mucus (totally disgusting) & sent me for a lung xray, told me I had the Flu AND bronchitis (did not FEEL like I had the stupid flu, just a cough) & that I could not fly for at least 3 more days, then gave me 3 prescriptions to fill. 

I took the prescriptions immediately because I wanted to get better immediately & nobody there said don't take this all at once.  I was gona make that damn flight the next day, I was NOT loosing all that overtime I'd accrued (29hrs which is a fucking LOT.)  The meds were tamiflu, an inhaler (never had one of those puffer gadgets before) & cough syrup with codeine.  Fine. 

I drove off to WW to get weighed as I had been flying during the last 2 Wednesdays ...& suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks.. I was getting dizzy.  Hell, I might pass out.  I left the meeting immediately, made it out to my car, laid down in the back seat & called Doris (who was home making us dinner)to come get me.  I just layed there half way paralyzed with my eyes closed, but could hear everything around me.  Also I was starting to have thoughts of oh yeah, I am stoned for sure......  Missed this feeling for decades now.  Wow. I'll just relax & enjoy it. 

Once Doris got me & sat me up in her (rented) car I became totally nauseous.  Once home I alternated between barfing my gutts up & laying by the toilet bowl in a stupor.  ahh, the ecstasy of OD-ing, I remember it well.  I felt SO FUCKING SICK.  I had walked into that damn dr's office with only a hacking cough & ended up sick as a fucking dog.  shit

I kept thinking I will just get thru the night & then I'll be able to fly tomorrow.  But I was still so green, dizzy & dry heaving in the morning & had no choice but to finally call in sick. I lost $850.00 in overtime ($400 after taxes) by not making the last trip of the month.  If I wasn't that sick to start out with, I sure am now.  I am SO disgusted.

Oh, &by the way, they called me today with a xray result of a spot on my right lung & I should come back for a follow up in 3 months.  Great.

Frickin' insane, man.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Life Is A Merry- go-round

Diahann Carroll was on my flight yesterday. DAMN!  She is STILL so BEAUTIFUL!!!  And Nice.  That smile of hers!  Still exquisite & big!  Class personified.  A truly dignified woman in her 70's.  And we ALL know how I love those older gorgeous women!!!!!  Oh, did I mention she told me I was beautiful too?   Now how sweet was that?  ...Even tho' she clearly wasn't wearing her 'over 70' glasses.  hah hah.

Flying out again today to Lax so I'll be missing WW weigh in.  But I'm not worried, even tho' I'm still eating a sweet roll here & there & had Chinese food last night...  That super-duper gym/spa I joined is SO FABULOUS & even tho I'll only be able to go one day this week on fri (my ONLY day off - flying the weekend too) my stomach is going down!  The whirlpool, steam & sauna is a grande treat after long, hard workouts & SO LUXURIOUS!!  I am SO RELAXED driving home from there that I don't know how I've managed to survive this long without it all.

Sunday, March 02, 2008

I Wanna Stay Home

I'll be fine once I'm there with FA's I love.  But I really DON'T want to get out of bed.  shit.  And it's after noon already, my sign in is 530pm

Also there will be FA's there I DON'T like as well BUT this month I am working a 767 so there is plenty of room to get away from the doink butts & have good conversations with the excellent FA's.  (There will be NINE Flight Attendants onboard! That is a lot.) 

Also I am actually working in coach this month.  I bid this posistion on purpose because I HATE the widebody FC's - there are 30 psgers up there, two asiles & the service goes
v e r y  s l o w l y ~~~~~la la la...
It's excruciating for pros like me who are fast as the wind.  You have to keep your cart even with the cart across the asile, it is SLOW I tell you, takes at least 2 freakin' hrs to finish.  Not so on the 757 FC that I usually work.  Plus there are so many fA's in the 767 coach, we get thru zip zap zip!!!  I am actually looking forward to it. 

BTW, I can hardly move from working out at the new Health Club.  No lie.  I am sore.  I feel creaky, rusty & stiff.  Doris on the other hand is just fine.  I don't get it.  Plus I gained 2 more lbs at WW weigh-in last week.  Hmmm.  Still hitting the Entenmann's counter at the A&P - KMae, you gotta stop with the carbs & sugar.  Waa waa waa.  Don't wanna.  One day at a time, sweet Jesus!

Got to put on make up & do my hair now.  crap.