Sunday, November 16, 2008

Still Guilty

I am trying to get better, (ie happier... ha!) I'm just sad. And SO damn guilty. I THINK I BROKE MY DOG'S HEART. She trusted me, & here I was holding her on my lap while Doris drove us to the Animal Hospital to end her life. She started shaking like a leaf - she had NEVER done that before. She must have been so scared & confused. I KNOW she didn't want to die. I doubt she was ready. It shouldn't have been "her time." I just couldn't make her better & I saw her getting worse. She didn't want to eat much, she had started to 'stagger' when she walked & moved slow, & she started to loose her balance when she stooped to poop. But she didn't whine, or cry, or act like she was in pain yet. I have no money, I couldn't afford to have tests done, biopsies taken from all her lumps or the softball-sized lump coming out of her side, or surgery. She tried to be so good when we walked into the Vet, & when I put her on my lap on the couch. She leaned against my chest & couldn't look at me again. I don't know if she was looking at Doris, she was facing her sitting next to me. Doris & I were both hysterical, so I guess maybe Roxie tried her best to be a good dog so we wouldn't be upset. Oh my God, I think we broke her heart by forcing her to die that sunny afternoon. It should have been a beautiful day.

And why didn't I feel her spirit when it left her body? I thought I would. Why can't we communicate together now? Charlie has come & told me Roxie is just fine, she's great, stop worrying. (Charlie is an old ex-boyfriend that passed on & drops in now & then, & also leaves me pennies here & there, & often chatters up a storm in the car on the way to the airport...but sometimes he just sits in the back seat with his berret on, leather jacket & jeans. enjoying the ride.) ( My Parents often drive with me to & from the airport Daddy on my left, Mother on my right & also sometimes Giboney rides (a friend from a rap group that passed) along. Sometimes they are all there & it gets really crowded. ) Also when my cousin Eleanore passed she came to visit so I would call her daughter & tell her some things. You can imagine how her daughter took that - she thinks I'm a bonafide nut! Eleanore leaves me shiney dimes now & then.

Anyway... because I have a touch of the 'Gift' I thought for sure Roxie would be able to talk to me. So far I have only smelled her here & there, which is suspect because Im still wearing the clothes & jacket/scarf I had on that day & her smell is still in the house. But Anyway---

I just feel SO guilty, she was so innocent & trusted me & I had her killed. I don't know if I can forgive myself for this one.

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