Friday, November 14, 2008

I thought I was getting better, but maybe not!

Yesterday I surrounded Roxie's grave with gray bricks, bought so many stones, & pretty baubles & spread them all over the middle, put 2 black & white small statues by the side of her head (to symbolize us, & 2 black & white cat statues (to symbolize Boo Boo & Panther), a sign that said "Angel" at the head, & her name in white letters at the bottom of her feet. Then I put a big, heavy cross (about 1 1/2 ft) at the top & laid a wooden cross across the middle.

Today I got up early & went out collecting Huge rocks from the creek to put around the bricks because the bricks don't look that great. I may take them out. Doris is going to shit when she sees the grave. She is already getting over this & told me to stop crying last night because my eyes are constantly all red & puffy. And she is starting to get rather annoyed today when I bring Roxie up & get upset.

I think I am getting better, sort of. I didn't cry ALL day today, just some times. It's sort of like waves. I miss her. She was so sweet. I was the world's worst mother. I'll always have guilt over it. It's a good thing I never had babies, don't know HOW the flying moms do it being gone so much. Doris has to take care of the animals when I'm on a trip & always resented it. Still, she was always good to them & they all adore her so much. That's why I was shocked when she cried so much at the time we had to let Roxie go, & seemed to be taking it worse than I was. So I don't understand how she can be over it so soon because I really feel so stuck in mourning.

It's so hard to believe Roxie was here & alive 4 days ago, & then later that day she was gone. It's weird but I still feel a need to go out at night to 'walk the dog,' which I did do tonight even in the pouring rain. All the little spots she liked to stop, all the big piles of leaves she'd trot thru & sniff around to see what other dogs had left their mark that day... And believe it or not, I think I can still smell her all the time. I may just be crazy, but possibly she may be coming around to check on us. I hope so.

Please forgive me Roxie, for not taking better care of you, for not loving you as well as I should have. For not giving you more time & attention. You were such a precious, shining ray of love & abounding energy. And such a good, good baby thru to the end. I'm sorry I broke down on you at the animal hospital, I had wanted to be strong but it was impossible. It must have been so confusing for you. God I hope your passing wasn't horrendous, I am so sorry I put you thru that. I just didn't know what to do, Roxie... I just didn't know & so I went on auto-pilot. You tried so hard to please us, even to the bitter end as you just laid in my arms & finally waited for your fate. I hope you know I did it out of love. I don't think I can ever get over it. I'm so sorry, my little brave princess, my sweet baby angel.

I feel so grateful that Roxie was our dog. I remember the 1st time I saw her at the pet store, such a tiny little silver peanut. I ran home immediately to tell Doris because she had mentioned at times that she'd wanted a Schnauzer. We went the next day & they got her down & put her in the private viewing room with us, she ran up to me & tried to jump up into my lap with her short little puppy legs, I gathered her up into my arms & tears just begain pouring from my eyes. She was a present for Doris, but I loved her the most.

1 comment:

the only daughter said...

Though I haven't been where you are N and some others I know (have known) have been, I feel your pain.

((kmae))