written for The Lesbian Lifestyle....pt.4
Needless to say, the rest of my vacation was undeniably frenetic! I was IN LOVE, Judy surprised me, captured me, took me to a frantic, delirious high! It was SO good to feel HAPPY again! I walked around with a natural, pink body blush, & not just in my cheeks! I was floating on clouds.
For Christmas I went down to 'The Hour Of Power' church in Garden Grove (Now known as the Crystal Cathedral..) & bought J. a Big, Gold Cross that said "God Loves You & So Do I." She'd give me her car to drive when she went to work as a part time drug counselor, so Id go home to hang with my parents.
We'd spend lazy nights together under the stars & have brunch at the beach! New Year's Eve, we went to some California Dyke Bar, but we really just wanted to be back in bed at her apt, together alone. Soon it was time to go back to work & NYC. I vowed to try to come see her on the weekends.
But it wasnt all that easy carrying on a long distance relationship. I was pretty junior in those days, & I could only hold the weekends off if I flew 4 days in a row. That left flying half the day friday to lax to see my beloved, & flying half the day sunday back to jfk to cover my schedule on monday. phew! Saturday was the Only day I wasnt on a 727 or a DC10. It felt like I was spending my Whole Life on an airplane. Talk about jet lag!
To make matters worse, our lovemaking started to dry up. Jude began to balk at 'performing on demand.' Okay I can understand that, but gee wiz... as far as I was concerned, Damn! Time was of the essence!!! I mean, we only had small windows of opportunity to be together before I had to leave again. What was the problem???
She was starting a project with Paula Prentiss & Dick Benjiman as a camera person, filming their new movie. J. operated big video camera's & worked on films. During her spare time she would work on writing her own script.
The months started to drag on. I was exhausted, killing myself flying my brains out 4 days in a row to get to my girlfriend, only to be told, "not tonight, Im not in the mood." I tried to be reasonable, I tried to understand. But I clearly became upset. Our love had gone from Feast to Famine.
What the FuCK???? We were only months into the relationship & already She was never in the damn mood. How much worse would this get in years to come? What the Hell was going on here??? What was wrong with me? What was wrong with HER??? What the Shit Happened?? Here was the Best, most Erotic Butch Id ever known just laying STILL by my side. Week after week. And I was bustin' my butt just to get to her. FOR WHAT??? I was stymied. I felt sad.
And by the way, what the HELL was UP with White Girls & Sex & their fucking stubborn moods??? Nothing I any longer cared to deal with, that's for sure. This was pissing me off. It was aggravating.
Okay here was MY problem: I was only a few months clean & dry. I had no Way to escape the pain & sorrow of my past with substances anymore. I HAD TO FUCK!!! Sex would take me out of the torment & agony of withdrawal. Great Sex would get me high again. Constant Sex would make me forget about Wendy, Kay, Charlie, my Mother, -hell!- Everyone & Anything that had hurt me thru my life.
J. needed space just to be & time to get turned on, with no expectations. Im not sure what else because she did not feel free to articulate it. What used to delight & amaze her about me was no longer even in her memory . And her aloofness on the subject was becoming a bore.
Okay, we both knew it was going downhill... All the long distance phone calls in the world could not make up for withholding sexual intimacy. Fuck that shit. Long distance relationships didnt work for her. We discussed that we were coming apart. It was so soon, I was morosely disappointed. It was all extremely bittersweet. We were both good, beautiful women, we still loved each other, but it was just not working.
I was depressed & so was Jude. Although we agreed we were over, we decided to take a car trip down the Pacific Coast Highway for a few days & make it a good ending. We went thru Malibu, Santa Barbara, San Louis Obispo, Big Sur & ended up in Carmel! We stayed at a wonderful cabin with a fireplace, by a pond. We ended up making good, even passionate love, but it wasnt the same.
Still, we had FUN, it was a wonderful way to say goodbye. After driving back down the PCH, she dropped me off at the airport. We hugged at the curb, tears were in our eyes. I didnt want her to walk me to the gate, it was hard enough already. I flew home to NY, & started working trips that gave me more time off .
I began to start looking at other women at the Dyke Bars. One night after coming in from a flight I went to the Electric Circus on 5th Ave & 15th St, which was run by a lesbian (AAL agent) during the night time. Now THERE was a creative entrepreneur!... But she smoked, so forget it.
I was dancing up a storm with all my disco friends & then I saw HER! Across the floor, an attractive, older black woman was sitting side saddle on a carousel horse, holding on to the brass pole & surrounded by a harem of Brown Sugars! She was dressed in a tan army uniform. Yawning. About to go to sleep. Hmmm. Interesting. She looked kind of worn around the edges, but pretty enough.
Well, never mind. If she was that tired, SHE probably wasnt interested in sex Either. I blew it off & continued dancing until I was numb, then hailed a cab home around 0300am. Perhaps I would meet 'Carousel Lady' another night, if she came back.