Sunday, July 31, 2005

Looking for "The One"... Pt.4

    written for The Lesbian  


      Needless to say, the rest of my vacation was undeniably frenetic!  I was IN LOVE,  Judy surprised me, captured me, took me to a frantic, delirious high!  It was SO good to feel HAPPY again!  I walked around  with a natural, pink body blush, & not just in my cheeks!  I was floating on clouds.

     For Christmas I went down to 'The Hour Of Power' church in Garden Grove (Now known as the Crystal Cathedral..) & bought J. a Big, Gold Cross that said "God Loves You & So Do I."  She'd give me her car to drive when she went to work as a part time drug counselor, so Id go home to hang with my parents. 

     We'd spend lazy nights together under the stars & have brunch at the beach!  New Year's Eve, we went to some California Dyke Bar, but we really just wanted to be back in bed at her apt, together alone.  Soon it was time to go back to work & NYC.  I vowed  to try to come see her on the weekends. 

    But it wasnt all that easy carrying on a long distance relationship.  I was pretty junior in those days, & I could only hold the weekends off if I flew 4 days in a row.  That left flying half the day friday to lax to see my beloved, & flying half the day sunday back to jfk to cover my schedule on monday.  phew!  Saturday was the Only day I wasnt on a 727 or a DC10.  It felt like I was spending my Whole Life on an airplane.  Talk about jet lag!

     To make matters worse, our lovemaking started to dry up.  Jude began to balk at 'performing on demand.'  Okay I can understand that, but gee wiz...  as far as I was concerned, Damn!  Time was of the essence!!!  I mean, we only had small windows of opportunity to be together before I had to leave again.  What was the problem???  

     She was starting a project with Paula Prentiss & Dick Benjiman as a camera person, filming their new movie.  J. operated big video camera's & worked on films.  During her spare time she would work on writing her own script. 

     The months started to drag on.  I was exhausted, killing myself flying my brains out 4 days in a row to get to my girlfriend, only to be told, "not tonight, Im not in the mood."  I tried to be reasonable, I tried to understand.  But I clearly became upset.  Our love had gone from Feast to Famine. 

     What the FuCK????  We were only  months into the relationship & already She was never in the damn mood.  How much worse would this get in years to come?  What the Hell was going on here???  What was wrong with me?  What was wrong with HER???  What the Shit Happened??  Here was the Best, most Erotic Butch Id ever known just laying STILL by my side.  Week after week.  And I was bustin' my butt just to get to her.  FOR WHAT???  I was stymied.  I felt sad.

     And by the way, what the HELL was UP with White Girls & Sex & their fucking stubborn moods???  Nothing I any longer cared to deal with, that's for sure.  This was pissing me off.  It was aggravating.      

     Okay here was MY problem:  I was only a few months clean & dry.  I had no Way to escape the pain & sorrow of my past with substances anymore.  I HAD TO FUCK!!!  Sex would take me out of the torment & agony of withdrawal.  Great Sex would get me high again.  Constant Sex would make me forget about Wendy, Kay, Charlie, my Mother, -hell!- Everyone & Anything that had hurt me thru my life.

     J. needed space just to be & time to get turned on, with no expectations.  Im not sure what else because she did not feel free to articulate it.  What used to delight & amaze her about me was no longer even  in her memory .  And her aloofness on the subject was becoming a bore.     

     Okay, we both knew it was going downhill...  All the long distance phone calls in the world could not make up for withholding sexual intimacy.  Fuck that shit.  Long distance relationships didnt work for her.  We discussed that we were coming apart.  It was so soon, I was morosely disappointed.  It was all extremely bittersweet.  We were both good, beautiful women, we still loved each other, but it was just not  working. 

     I was depressed & so was Jude.  Although we agreed we were over, we decided to take a car trip down the Pacific Coast Highway for a few days & make it a good ending.   We went thru Malibu, Santa Barbara, San Louis Obispo, Big Sur & ended up in Carmel!  We stayed at a wonderful cabin with a fireplace, by a pond.  We ended up making good, even passionate love, but it wasnt the same. 

     Still, we had FUN, it was a wonderful way to say goodbye.  After driving back down the PCH, she dropped me off at the airport.  We hugged at the curb, tears were in our eyes.   I didnt want her to walk me to the gate, it was hard enough already.  I flew home to NY, & started working trips that gave me more time off .

       I began to start looking at other women at the Dyke Bars.  One night after coming in from a flight I went to the Electric Circus on 5th Ave & 15th St, which was run by a lesbian (AAL agent) during the night time.  Now THERE was a creative entrepreneur!...  But she smoked, so forget it.  

    I was dancing up a storm with all my disco friends & then I saw HER!  Across the floor, an attractive, older black woman was sitting side saddle on a carousel horse, holding on to the brass pole & surrounded by a harem of Brown Sugars!  She was dressed in a tan army uniform.  Yawning.  About to go to sleep.  Hmmm.  Interesting.  She looked kind of worn around the edges, but pretty enough. 

     Well, never mind.  If she was that tired, SHE probably wasnt interested in sex Either.  I blew it off & continued dancing until I was numb, then hailed a cab home around 0300am.  Perhaps I would meet 'Carousel Lady' another night, if she came back.          


Saturday, July 30, 2005

Looking for "The One" Pt.3

      Written for The Lesbian Lifestyle...               


     Coming off of drugs is HARD.  I was a zombie.  Reality stunk.  I could only take it one minute, one hour, one day at a time.  yada yada yada YAWN.  I tried to sleep it off, so life wouldnt be so painful.  I wanted my lover back, my sweetbaby Wendy, my reason to breathe.  But that was not to be.  She had already set up house with Maria, the fucking receptionist.  The rage I felt was overwhelming. 

     I was exhausted.  It was a effort to roll out of bed, an effort to pee, an effort to plod one foot after another.  But I had to try, I wasnt getting any younger & my life was a mess.  I felt like a royal fuckup & wanted drastically to improve.  I was trying with all my might & each day got a little better than the last. 

     It wasnt the booze or coke that I missed, it was the pot.  I missed smoking dope.  If I were to be really honest, I still miss weed to this day.  I MISS POT.  Cant touch it, Wont touch it.  But definately miss it.

     I dont know how, but one day I started to notice the sun was shining.  The world seemed to be going by whether I took part in it or not.  Well, how rude was that?!  I'd better pay serious attention since I was choosing life instead of death. I had missed out on fun & actually had to focus in order to find a sense of humor again. 

     If the fatigue deep in my soul would ever just give me a break, I could start to believe that maybe, just maybe life would be worth living once more.  Instead of praying for Wendy to come back, I began praying for Help& Grace, & the Will to go on to create my own destiny.   

     It was time for Christmas vacation & each December I went home to my parents in Los Angeles.  My mother was quite an unhappy woman, & we never got along. To stay clean & sober, & deal with her shit was a lot to ask for.

     I thought of calling an old best friend of K's that we had often hung out with.  I had always liked her & I knew she used to be into drugs & had kicked her habits.  I shyly rang to tell her I was now drug free, I was coming to town to visit the folks, & it would be difficult.  Could I call her for moral support?  Judy was happy to hear from me & said we definately  would have dinner one night. 

     A few days later I buzzed her again to say what time I was leaving & how I was looking foward to talking with her.  She replied, "Oh Kathymae Im going to do much more than talk to you!" I blinked as I felt a palpitation deep in my chest.  huh?  What did she say???  Oh my God.  I giggled & ignored her, saying Id call after reaching my destination.

     It was always great to see Mother & Daddy at first!  For about 2 hours.  Then reality would bang me on the head like a rubber mallot & Id remember why I lived clear across the other side of the country. I had a most difficult mother, but that's another story.  I could only handle her in small doses.  It didnt take long before I started to feel claustrophobic in my own skin, unable to breathe & Desperate to Escape.   

     I called J. & begged her to please take me away from all this!  We laughed & joked, I took a deep breath & said " oh by the way we're just going for dinner, it's too soon after W. for me to even think about sex... I dont want to lead you on or anything."  She laughed at my modesty.  "Oh Kath, no pressure.  Dont even worry about it, what will be will be. I'll just be happy to see you."  Wow, that feltwarm.  Oh!  A feeling.  A Good feeling.

     I nervously opened the front door, hugged & kissed her hello as I introduced J. to my parents.  WoW!  She looked good!  Real good.  DAMN good.  Oh, dear.

     We talked as she drove me from Santa Ana to Manhattan Beach.  What a joy!  My first time driving all over LA with a dyke!  God, it was liberating!  Far from my NYC problems & cutting loose from my poor stodgie old parents, I felt free!  Oh my God it was fun,I was having Fun!  The hard work of recovery was paying off, I was starting to see a light at the end of a very long, murky tunnel.

     We drove to her apt bungalow a block from the beach.  The sun had gone down & fog had rolled in. The ocean smelled  fresh, but it was damp & cool with a slight December chill.  She gave me one of her black leather jackets to wear & she put one on as well. 

     We walked around the corner to an East West restaurant.  The lights were dim & candles were flickering.  We began to really catch up on old times & the people we'd gone thru.  I have no idea what we said or what we ate.  I was on pins & needles, I couldnt even believe I was there with HER! 

      I was mesmerized by her beauty & mystique...  The woman had ALways been Fine.  In the past I curiously watched her from a distance with all her different ladies, & I had stared at her close up when she & my 1st girlfriend K. would hang out as best friends. 

     J was an enigma, & so fucking tough, SO FUCKing tough - yet beautiful.   She looked like Kate Jackson of Charlie's Angels & had the mystery of Greta Garbo.  She was as BUTCH as they come, but she was slick & gorgeous.  I tell you, the woman was FINE! 

     So after dinner we walked down Main Street to the Manhattan Beach Pier.  Oh my God, the fog was lifting, the moon magically shining thru it.  Stars started to twinkle & waves softly lapped upon the shore. 

     She put her arm around my waist as we strolled along the planks.  I put my head on her shoulder & we gazed upon the reflection of the moon across the ocean.  Her cheek went on my forehead & she kissed it gently.  We stood there & embraced, our hands sliding up & down our backs under our jackets.  I started to shiver & she said "Let's go back, you're getting cold."  We walked to her apt with our arms around each other, laughing & high on life!  

     Punk, her black cat greeted us at the door, it was good to get in from the dampness.  She turned on the TV & we sat on her bed.  I just relaxed in her arms & we laughed at Johnny Carson.  It was great.  No pressure, no expectations.  Just two grown women digging each other, sharing the joy. 

     J. still had her arm around me.  I looked in her eyes, she raised my chin & kissed me deeply.  Our first kiss on the lips.  Oh God, she could kiss!  Really Good! We kissed & kissed.

     She moved her knee between my thighs & brought it up against me.  I started to burn. We Kissed some more, I dont know for how long. She slowly slid her body down my side, unbuttoning my white shirt, whispering in my ear, then lightly biting my neck. 

     I arched my back bringing my breasts to her lips for awhile, then she pushed me underneath her.  I pulled my legs around hers & we started moving together.  Oh my God, we were a perfect fit!  It had never felt so right. 

     My tight, tourquoise, courderoy jeans were soaked.  J. unzipped them & slid her hand inside my panties while she wasstill on top of me.  Her finger slipped inside & the thrill was beyond electric as she worked me over & I cried for joy. 

     I started pulling off her jeans & we pealed everything from our bodies.  Naked at last the lovemaking continued to a fevered pitch!  My heart was pounding, my body exploding, I thought I had died & goneto heaven!  All thru the night, we did more & more.  Never had I ever known such exquisite sex!  The woman was a true artist, talented in teasing & pleasing beyond belief.  

     She finally fell asleep as the sun came up. I held her & stared at the ceiling with a huge smile.  This was my best night ever.  This was a blessed night.  I tried to sleep, but I was still too excited.  I closed my eyes & tried to doze off.  

     When J woke up a couple hours later, the Pointer Sisters were singing .... "Heaven must have sent you honey, to love only me..."  The song was perfect, exactly how I felt.  She was perfect, we were perfect together!  I had Hope!  

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Looking for "The One" Pt.2

         Written for The Lesbian Lifestyle...


     AAAAAfter a disasterous 1st foray into the World of Lesbiana, I doubled up on therapy sessions & flew extra trips to get the hell away from town.  It took me 4 months to jump back into the deep end & begin to troll the Women's Discos again. 

     One night, back at "The Sahara" I saw adorable Wendy!  She was extremely striking! - Gorgeous in fact with a strong, young athletic body & a dazzeling smile for everyone.  SO cute, she looked like little Michael Jackson before all the surgery.  

     W. was only 21yrs with high energy & I was 31yrs trying to pick up the pieces.  Never-the-less, when I had that 1st dance with her I felt Whole again.  We fit perfectly & she had divine rhythm, sexy burning rhythm!  Wow, I was smitten!  We started dating & soon she moved into my apt at 35 E 60th St. between Park & Madison. 

     Well, I was delirious!  Finally, I found heaven!  I swear, life became everything I knew it could be, living with W. was wonderful.  We rode our bicycles all over town, we rollerskated in Central Park, we went dancing at least 2 times a week, we steamed out at the NY Health & Racquet Club, we sang in the Dignity NY choir, we'd order Chinese, take a blanket & picnic by "our lake" near the Central Park boat house, we went to Provincetown & had a great room on Commerce St. with a deck over-looking the ocean!  Sex was Hot, Sex was often, Sex was Fun!  Oh yeah, Love can fix it!  (Ashford & Simpson.)

     Since I was more established in my job as a Flight Attendant, I paid the rent & all thebills.  W. worked every day at a computer job but didnt make much.  She paid for us to eat out, which was a lot. I bought her presents from everywhere I traveled & everyplace around town, I wanted to give her the world.   

     One night at Dignity, W. leaned over & whispered "Let's write our own vows & get married!"  Now I hadnt wanted to get married when I was "straight," & I didnt feel the need to get married now.  But I DID want to make her happy.  So after dragging my heels a few weeks, she insisted I write my vows on my next 3day trip. I promised I would.

     It took me 3 hrs at my hotel room desk to write those words of promise.  Excited with my accomplishment I called W. & read them over the phone.  Complete silence. 

"What's the matter honey, dont you like them?" 

"No, that was good."  More silence. 

"So what's wrong?" 

"I just want to talk to you when you come home."  

     I flew the whole next day with a knot in my gutt.  As soon as I got to my hotel room in Phoenix that night I called her again. 

"Tell me what's wrong." 

"No, I want to wait till I see you."  

"W. I cant stand it, please dont do this, tell me now." 

pause..."Im attracted to another woman."  


     I froze, ice cold.  All blood ran out of my body.  I started to shake in shock & disbelief. 

"W. you told me to write wedding vows.."

  "I know, Im sorry."

  "You're Sorry???  Who is it?" 

 "It's the receptionistat my computer school." 

"Oh my God, you cant be serious?" 

"Im sorry.  I couldnt help it.  I tried not to want her." 

"But I love you, what about us??  I Love You, W...." 

"I know.  I'm sorry." 

     We hung up the phone.  I was hysterical, I was going to be sick. I couldnt believe it, how could this be?  I thought she loved me.  She had me so convinced she was happy & we were forever.  I was awake all night crying, bawling, falling apart. 

     I flew the next day in a dazed stupor, with the help of the other Flight Attendants who took up the slack when I would run to the galley & burst into tears over & over again. When I finally climbed the steps to my brownstone apt, I was morose.  I didnt land that night until after midnight, it was way late.  The City was quiet, the silence was deadening.  I opened the door... Home Alone....  I fell apart.  Her stuff was still everywhere around - everything I had given her. 

But she was gone.

     One year of pure bliss.  Shot to hell.  One short year.  I had never know such happiness.  Now I never felt such grief.  I became listless.  I couldnt go on.  I fell deep into drugs & booze. I was in the dregs of depression.  There was no way up or out.  My shrink just shook her head.  I truly went crazy.  I even had a three-some with K. & her girlfriend she dumped me for.  They re-introduced cocaine into my life (I had already kicked that habit once before.)  I began to fuck indiscriminately, I tried to fuck other black women, but I couldnt, because I only wanted W. 

     I fell deeper into every addiction I could do to try to numb the pain.  One night at the woman's disco "Manhattan", I started to feel like fainting.  Between the pot, the coke, the scotch & black russians, not to mention jetlag - I was going to keel over any minute. 

     Luckily I didnt.  A friend drove me home.  She came inside & I could see her reflection in a mirror as I got her a drink. It was a look of disgust as she shook her head.  I felt embarrassment & shame.  I assured her I would be alright, & she left. 

     Finally, alone again, Truly Alone.  I knew I had to get a grip.  Passing out was definately NOT cool. It was a wake-up call. No matter how bad or out of control I had been in the past, I WAS ALWAYS COOL.  I stopped cold turkey.  I never took another drink or drug again.    

     And as long as it took for me to get over W, I can honestly say I never even think about her today.  Never.  Of all the people in my past, she means the least to me.  I dont hate her or anything, in fact it'd be fine to run into her somewhere, someday.  I wish everybody Ive loved the best in life.  

     W's the one who got away.  I loved her too hard & too much.  She was like a lightning bolt in my life.  BANG!  And it was over.  Little baby lesbians will love you with all their heart & body & soul. Then they will see something across the room they havent had yet.  And off they go on a new adventure. 

Goodbye, Adios. See ya later!  Capute, The End

     It was a valuable lesson to learn.  No more little Chickie-poo's for me.  At least I now knew bliss with a Woman was possible.  I just had to focus on getting well and staying clean & dry. 

     I had to get on with living!   






Tuesday, July 26, 2005

On Coming Out .... Looking for "The One" pt1.

    written for The Lesbian Lifestyle...    



   Well, where to begin...  I was always attracted to both boys & girls when young.  I was addicted to "playing doctor" & prefered my little girlfriends. I knew something was "wrong" when we started growing up & they were no longer interested. I just couldnt understand it.   

     When I got older, men were just ALWAYS around & they were SO EASY.  You get 'em up, you get 'em off.. nooo problem.  Women, on the other hand were very complicated & each one different with their own triggers that took a lot of time to glean!  As much as I loved them, I was damn lousy at it.. which of course is crap for one's morale.  I would just never make a good butch!...  not yet anyway.

     I had loved & lived with a lot of men in the past.  Sex was not what bothered me about them.  In fact it was all they seemed to be good for, & they made more money than most of us. It was their brains that pissed me off.  Their emotional development was like spit.  Impossible to trust, I always got hurt.  I do NOT share well.  "You're gona make me turn into a lesbian," Id tell the motherfucker's. 

     Truth be told, I was just so damn curious.  And, I began to be desperately curious...  But Real Lesbians werent interested in women with men all around them.  (Consequently to what those conservative religious zealots think - we're not gona charge after all the straight girls in town, a Woman's Woman doesnt want - what some so crudely think of as - a man's toilet.) 

     I would nervously go to the local dyke bar, The Duchess in Greenwich Village, & just sit on the barstools & look at my toes. I was shy, scared & too fancy in those days, nobody seemed interested. 

     Finally I connected with bi-sexual women.  I would get crushes on them.  They were beautiful & tender & it was wonderful at last to get physically close to females!  But sooner or later they all seemed to want to bring me in to their male relationships, to want threesomes, to turn on their men.  blach!  I just wanted to be with only them.  I had my own boyfriend if I wanted a damn man.  It was too much.  And I knew something was missing, not right. 

     One night I was at The Sahara, a fancy upscale east side lesbian bar, with a group of bi-women.  It was a Girls Night Out!  We were sitting around in a circle of white vinal chairs with silver arms & legs & short glass tables.  Of course we were all looking gorgeous, laughing & Loving the atmosphere!  And we were high. 

So along comes K.  She began flirting with everyone, particularly my girlfriend Lynn, a beautiful large-woman's model.  I was not so interested, she was not what I would be attracted to & I was cruising the room.  She tried to get me to talk, yeah I was from Texas like her, & even knew her sister from college.  Man, small world over there in New York City. 

     The 3 of us went into the ladies room to smoke a joint.  (Okay, I was a druggie in those days, but I have 24 1/2 yrs clean & dry NOW.)  Lynn & K. were chatting up a storm, but I was just into the floor length mirror, toking weed & checking out my fine self (God, I was exquisite in those days!)  We left to climb the stairs to the disco room, when K. suddenly turned around midway, grabbed me, shook me & said "RESPOND TO ME."  huh? yeah, okay... whatever.   damn wierdo. 

The three of us began to dance on the crowded floor, & I was jumping around showing off my groove steps to the masses. Then suddenly the DJ slowed itdown & played "La VienRose" by Grace Jones (I'll Never forget it..)

     K. grabbed me & took me close to her, held me tight & Whoops There It Was!    Pelvis to pelvis, clit to clit, swaying, movin' & groovin'to that music.  OH MY GOD!!!  Never had I gone there!  Never had I felt that lightning bolt go thru me before!  I audibly gasped, "oh!" & fell back looking at her in disbelief.  Her eyes riveted into mine, smiling SLyly she said "What's the matter Sugar?" 

     She pulled me back into her tightly, slowly leading me around the floor, swinging, swaying, never loosing contact with me down there, you know, rubbing,bumping to the slow, melodic beat..  She whispered in my ear, "You okay, Baby?"  I swear I melted right there, our bodies became one, every nerve felt electric, I was just gone.  And I became Hers. 

     It took a week before she was able to come over to my apt in Chelsea, before we had real, lesbian nakedsex!!!  After thinking only of her on my flights, I could hardly wait till I saw her again!  It all seemed so perfect.  She lived with her girlfriend & I lived with my boyfriend.  


     As soon as she got me in her clutches, she demanded I move in with her as she had unceremoniously moved her girlfriend out.  What??  I had nothing to do with THAT & it was shocking.  But, I had for So Long wanted to come out & be with a real Woman's Woman.  I felt guilty for hurting my wonderful boyfriend Doug but hell, he saw other women when I flew & on weekends when I would go to gay bars.  We had an understanding.  (After my previous boyfriend had crushed my heart to bits, I had told this one I was looking for a woman & I was done with men...)  So The 'Time Had Come', & altho' I wasnt sure -  it all seemed to be going Too fast.  She was getting Angry at my hesitation, which strangely made me feel she really wanted me.  I gave in & moved. 

     Of course, it was not easy.  As soon as K. had gotten me over there in her 'clutches,' she suddenly didnt seem to be so interested in sex.  Not with me, anyway.  What was this???  What the HELL???  Why did she insist I move in if she didnt really want me?  She was so annoyed when I would reach for her in bed.  "Lesbians arent like men, Kathy they dont think about sex every minute.  Just go back to men if thats all you want."  Shit.  What a life, what a drag.  I so Much wanted to be a 'Real Lesbian' I stayed & kept trying & trying to be what she needed. 

     Oh, by the way...  K was a big time Lesbian shrink, very well known in Greenwich Village.  As great as she was in her profession with others, she would often tell me I was wrong or crazy & follow with a long list of reasons why.  However, she was on lithium for depression & would go nuts constantly, literally screaming at me all the time.  She'd be nice, then she'd be mean.  She'd be great, then she'd be hidious.  She'd be happy, then she'd be crying for me to call her ex fucking girlfriend.  It seemed she was miserable & was determined to make me that way too.  I cried a lot.  I was totally insecure & confused. But I stuck by her, I really wanted to be the good girlfriend, I wanted to make her happy if that was at all possible. 

     Then guess what happened.  She dumped me.  SHE dumped ME...  Ms. Bigtime psycho-therapist dropped me for one of her fucking (literally) CLIENTS.  Bitch. 

Of course, she swore this Person was no longer her client.  She supposedly had gotten her another shrink.  But I used to wait for K. at night after the group therapy sessions that she led was over, & this woman would always be walking out with the rest of the bunch.  Always.  Every week. Until the day I was "dismissed" from K.'s lair.   humph.  They may have fooled everyone else, but not me.  DEFinately NOT me.

    Oh & did I mention that K. had me start going to her own personal therapist about 2 months before she broke up with me???  And by the way, the new shrink her "ex-client" was now going to was the OTHER Dr. in the same damn office.  I thought I would loose my mind. 

      After a year & a half of loving this demented nutcase I ended up in my own luny bin.  My head spinning, What the HELL happened???  What I thought would become ecstasy ended in a downward, spiriling abyss of insanity.  Looking back, it was the WORST relationship I ever had.  It was like living with my crazy-ass mother.  God, one of Those was more than enough. 

     I tried to go back to men.  After all this, they seemed so uncomplicated.  But I did not want a man anymore.  One thing for sure:  If this coming out relationship with K. did not turn me off of women, then I knew for sure I really was a bonafide dyke.

     Now, almost 3 decades later Im not only a bonafide dyke, I am a happy dyke.  I finally know what it's like to be truly Loved & Cherished in spite of my flaws & imperfections.  But how I got from there to here is yet another story...  Actually a couple other stories.... 

     Incidentally, I see K. from time to time in the Women's Clubs.  It's always good to see her.  She still has a special place in my heart, no matter how bad our relationship together was.  After all, she was my first Woman's Woman.  She definately brought me out, for better or worse.  We all have that coming out story, & K. was mine.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Rude People

I can not believe how cruel some people can be.
I can not believe how cruel and rude some people can be. I read Rosie's blog often & many that write in are great, & Ive enjoyed hooking on to some of their blogs!

But often there are some obnoxious folks that write in. Here is a good example along with the reply I sent in:


Dahlia MD from NYC said:

I say this with all due respect. Ro/Rosie/Roseanne, you know that if you weren’t famous and just an average gal, that broad your with (K.C) would have never given you a second look or a first. She would probably be leeching off Ellen. Another thing, I have never seen as many suck-ups in my life in one place, especially ‘Tea’ … Will you please throw her a bone?Your kids are cute, but I agree with the guy who on another post said you wouldn’t take a pound pup home, so I am wondering if your kids were developed in a petri dish or did you adopt a needy child? I don’t understand this yellow crap either. I must have to be gay to understand or perhaps a suck-up. I love NYC in the summer, don’t you?

KMae said:

My goodness Dalhia MD from NYC - clearly you are a dunce. I dont even believe you are an MD if you write something so insensitive. I have had Rosie onboard 3 times as a passenger & she is entirely fabulous, sweet, cool, kind to all around… not to mention VERY sexy with her tough, butch edge & quick wit! She was always polite to the Flight Attendants….
Ahh..but since you can sign as anything here & you’re supposedly an MD, I’ll be an Astronaut. She was polite to the Astronauts! HA!


Monday, July 18, 2005

Happy Anniversary!

7/17/05...24yrs!!!!  Wow, I am surely blessed!!  It's actually a miracle.  Of course, I didnt think so earlier at church when Doris wouldnt go up to the alter with me to thank God for 24 years together.  I was so happy until then.  She hurt my feelings.  But then, it's been 24 years for Christ sakes, I SHOULD know her by now.  Just keep hoping she'll change some day & have some pride in our realtionship in her church, but guess not. 

Girlfriend is a fucking closet case.  Girlfriend makes me feel like one of those dumbasss dykes who fell in love with a straight woman.  sigh.  Oh well.  Cant have everything.  She gave me 3 wonderful, romantic cards & beautiful white roses with pink insides. And yesterday we went to the beach (Asbury Park & Ocean Grove), sat on the boardwalk & enjoyed the scene & the sun!  We walked around & had quiche & salad. The weather was beautiful, the ocean air was spectacular!  Such a relaxing day. Made it a nice anniversary weekend.

I would still rather have her than not.  Actually, Id die if I didnt have her. Thank you God for 24 wonderful years with Doris, even if she wouldnt come up to the alter & announce it in front of everyone. 

     Went to see Simone in St. Barnabas later on today.  Thought it would cheer me up to see the new little baby.  But I got really sad.  damn.  Such a sweet little teeny infant just a little over a day old, only 6lbs & sleeping soundly in Simone's arms. 

Simone.  What have you done to yourself?  You were SUCH a gorgeous little child.  I used to hold you in my lap & rock you to sleep during those boring church sermons 14 yrs ago.  I havent seen you for a couple of years now, you're 17 & I barely recognize you - you got so big & your pretty little face is so distorted.  Youre still so moody & NOW youre a mommy. 

 Oh that poor little baby.  I held her in my arms, Little Lailah Aryanna Nicole. Pure. Angelic.  Fresh. Innocent. Brand new, clean & trusting. Oh God, help her PLEASE.  Help them both. 

Simone'sfoster mother will now take care of them all -Simone, her other foster sisters there & now the baby - & be paid  quite aLOT for each.  The baby will now be in the foster care system.  Unless her boyfriend talks Simone into marrying his Dominican self so he can get a green card.  Possibly one reason he knocked her up.  Kids.  They can be so fricken stupid...  she let herself get pregnant...  Probably wanted attention.  She was always SO depressed.   Oh Lord, we need another miracle.

This is SO sad & depressing.  I feel so bad I can barely breathe.  That fragile, sweet baby has such a long, hard road to travel.  So, so desolate.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Sometimes It's Just Too Much

I dont know.  Sometimes it's just too much.  Just too damn fucking much. Sometimes I  just want to sScCrReEEEEEAAAmMMM,  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!  shit shit shit.....  fuck fuck FUCK FUCKKKKK!!!  Life just shouldnt have to be like this.  It's so frustrating, esp when you've had MORE. 

Living in the burbs.  Living amongst the straights.  It was so much easier to be gay in NYC.  To be out.  To be FREE! 

Okay, let's just start with choir practice last night.  Now, I am actually TRULY honored that they let me sing with them.  I cant carry a tune, but I get to sing along side of my beautiful lover who just happens to be a fabulous gospel singer in this big, GREAT gospel choir!  Her voice is So powerful it can bring you (& me) to tears.  It is a joy! 

I have gone to this church, Phillips Metropolitan CME Church in Newark for most of the 24yrs Ive been with Doris, it is the church she grew up in, her Grandparents & Parents started this church.

  Everyone there has always from the beginning been very kind & welcoming to me. They are all black.  I am not.  Once they started to realize that I was Doris' romantic girlfriend (dare I say Lover??, they'd faint!) they just ignored it, & basically pretended they didnt know.  Now after all these years many acknowledge they know & accept us anyway....  some of them feeling we are all sinners I guess, so as not to judge.  

Well yes, I have sinned often thru life,

but certainly NOT by BEING GAY. 

Fuck that bullshit.  Anyway, in all the songs we sing, in all the Bible verses, God is ALWAYS refered to as HE.  It's so exhausting.  I KNOW God is not just male.  My God is just as much Female.  'God, Goddess, Universe' -  The Spirit is ALL. 

But I sing the hymns & read the scriptures all these years to be respectful, so as not to upset  the congregation that has been so accepting of me. But I can barely take it much longer.  Esp when there is a perfectly great Gay/Lesbian MCC Church in Jersey called Christ The Liberator.  The majority of which is black!!  The choir is wonderful, too!  And of course they love it when Doris comes to vist cause her exquisite voice just booms above everyone else & I just sing at the top of my lungs proudly along side of her! 

Well, Doris doesnt like it there, she is loyal to HER church.  To her the other one doesnt count as much because it's not in a real church building at the moment.  To me, it is wonderful & the minister gives Great, positive sermons that often celebrate our sexuality.  Unlike Rev. Jennifer who is always screaming about the Blood of Jesus & laying guilt.  He's a nice enough guy, but conservative. 

And a few weeks ago Mr & Mrs Robinson got to stand up while everyone acknowledged their 23rd anniversary with applause.  This sun will be Doris & my 24th Anniversary ( ! ), but will it be acknowledged in anyway, our love celebrated by our church family????  NO  fuck, no.  Doris doesnt even want me to mention it to Rev Jennifer.  Oh my God, dont make waves. 

When I said to her sister tonight at dinner, it is just like being in the closet...  She said not the closet Kathy, not the closet...  EVERYBODY Knows.  (They just might not approve.)  She doesnt understand, she doesnt get it.  (This whole conversation started between us when she asked if I miss living in New York City. I said only when I cant be out with Doris & gave the above example.)  

It is like living in the closet in many ways here in the burbs.  Perhaps not to Doris' straight sister who see's thatneighbors know we have a house & cars & a life together...  But we still cant walk down our street holding hands, or hug in the grocery store or kiss in the malls.  Maybe we can manage to hold hands (under a sweater) with the lights out in a movie theater.  But there is always the fear of possible violence as a result of a PDA.  Especially in the current atmosphere of this administrstion.  It was never a problem in the City. 

But in NYC, in my studio apt at 95 Christopher St in the West Village, I would often lay there alone in my queensize platform bed & miss Doris in NJ.  She did not want to live in NY, at least not in a studio.  She was born in NJ & she will probably die in NJ.  All she ever wanted in life was a house, so we got a house & here we are 24yrs later! 

Now, Im not saying Im miserable, Im not saying Im even unhappy.  It has been a BIG adjustment, but I am so very grateful for how far we've come & for all we've got.  In fact, Im thrilled!

Im just saying that SOMETIMES

esp when people dont understand,

when I dont exactly feel Free, Out & About! -

it can just get to be TOO MUCH.                          


Monday, July 11, 2005

My Piano

Oh my gosh!  OH MY GOOODNESS!  Imagine My surprise.  I love the chest of drawers!  Who would think.  The dresser looks good & is beautiful!  It occured to me that the reason I dislike (HATE) the orangy cherry stained wood is because that is the color of my piano downstairs..   My mother & her awful 2nd husband (but that's another story) brought it all the way from LA to our house in NJ so I could have the childhood piano I grew up with. 

My piano - a beautiful french provencial spinet with graceful legs & scalloped-like top; the orangey cherrywood teenage torture device I practiced every day on, studying to try to become the concert pianist my parents so dearly had dreams of.    sigh.  I DiD try year after year until I FiNaLLy was allowed to give it up.  To give up. 

I was good, won 1st place blue ribbons at the "auditions" I had to go to every year at SMU, but only after hours of excursiating practice I hated. And forget about my NERVES... around the 8th grade I started to shake & my hands would sweat, slipping off the keyes when I would have to perform... So much stress. Fear Id be found out a no-talent phonie.  I couldnt sight read & I couldnt play by ear, whereas most pianists can do either/or.  I was NEVER GOOD ENOUGH to go to say, Julliard, NOR did I want to. 

I wanted to DANCE with all my heart.  I wanted to skate. (Yep I was a professional ROLLER skater,) ( Well, it was TEXAS & it was so hot that there were NO Ice Arenas around in those olden days,)  (Sounds dorky, but I LOVED it.)  I wanted to do ANYthing other than practice the piano 1 more day. 

The thing is, I HAD wanted to learn to play Rock & Roll, Blues, & what I now recognize as Gospel, when I 1st started lessons in the 4th grade at 9yrs, but NO.  Mother & Daddy only Wanted to listen to classical music every day.  So I became (somewhat) skilled at that, but was never taught chords or how to improvise on the keyboard.  I try to learn now, but it just doesnt work - I cant do it.  Wish I could.  I dissappoint myself.  Im sure my parents werent thrilled when I began to Hate the piano & begged so long to quit, before they Finally relented after my Jr year. 

So my Sr Year I got to focus on being an "Eaglette" (our high school drill team) (ahh, the importance of adolescent peers) & FINALLY was... Mrs. DeArmond free.  My lovely piano teacher, a nice person & highly sought out musician, even pretty.  (She DID have a creepy husband with a black plastic eye patch in his wire rim glasses, & a yucky skinny mustache.)  Somehow my parents thought he would be a good one to tutor me in Algebra at which I kept failing, & his help didnt change that.  Not that it was HIS fault, I really just DIDNT get numbers (stupid) ... didnt really have to since my Daddy was an accountant, & therefore I still really CANT to this day (yep, still math illiterate. Makes writing real estate contracts next to impossible.  But that's another story.)

  Then there were her dear Children, Peggy & Jimmy whom I suppose I had a love/hate relationship with, well maybe that's too strong, it wasnt hate it was more like resentment...  My Mother was ALWAYS LATE, ALWAYS LATE,


So after my piano lesson, she was never there to pick me up when the hour was done.  I mean maybe it was only 45 minutes, but she wouldnt just wait, or do only 45 minutes worth of something like everybody elses mom who could seem to pick THEIR kids up on time.  NoooOOOOoooo, MY mother would swing by about 2 or 3 hrs later, & Id be just stuck there with Peggy & Jim.  Babysitting, as it were, as their mother went over all those pieces with her next vertuoso, then the next, then the next until my freakin' mother would eventually pull up, & out Id run, FINALLY jumping in the car then back to Richardson we'd go.  (When we lived in Dallas, Mrs DeArmond would just come over to our house which was a MUCH better arrangement.) 

     GOD, more than anything I HATED my mother ALWAYS being late & how she'd always make ME late, & Alan, & Daddy late.  It was humiliating.  Like for example when we'd end up being 30 or more min late for frickin' Church & have to march up to the frickin' front row pews because all other seats were frickin' filled...  right in the middle of the fRICkin' serman, for Christ's Sake... GeyAAAAAaaaaa.  SO EMBARRASSING.

  Sometimes Id have to stay after school because Id be late in the morning. Not good. Lordy, there are so many other examples but I wont bore you any longer here.  And maybe Id be late as a narcisistic, self centered grownup myself (Chronically late people are TOTALLY, unequivocally narcisistic & self centered), if I hadnt eventually become a Flight Attendant where I HAVE to be fucking on time for every flight or Id be fired.  So consequently Im usually always EARLY.  For everything.  ALways.

     Anyway, I grew to hate my piano, & the color didnt help, & the color clashed with pink, which my mother put a light pink screen with gold  behind the piano to separate the living room & dinning room, trying to blend her color palates with this piano.  sigh.  And here I am again with wooden, orangy-cherrywood furniture in a pinkish room...  It still looks lame.  At least now I understand my aversion to that color, to Cherrywood.  The only place it looks good is as kitchen cabinets with hunter green counters.  I could put a hunter green carpet here in the bedroom, but it's just not my idea of a feminie boudoir. Guess I just havent reached such ardent butchdom yet, at least not in the bedroom anyway. My livingroom has pink carpet with a green, velour wrap-around sectional couch...(behind which I hid my piano.) Well, hmmm, one never knows what tomorrow brings... 

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Why Am I Tired? (and "Gay Parties..")

I've started reading other blogs & it's fun, but it's taking me all night, I look up & it's 0300.  How stupid, I really gotta sleep,  geesh.  Gotta start pacing myself- HAHA, see I must be tired, thought that was halarious. 

Another thing, I ran my Norton Virus scanner & picked up 3 infections...AAAAAAAAAAhh!!!, just when I got my frickin' computer cleaned again... In fact I better run it again tonight, Ive gone thru SO many new blogs..  & I found 1 by  a group of lesbian writers!  Too COOL!!!  Then there's a woman who calls her blog Boob Sweat.!!.  THAT fuckin' cracked me up.

     Today was gorgeous.  Doris & I went to pick out a new dresser to put our big screen (bedroom)tv on.  (The old one is starting to bow in the middle from the weight of it.)  My gosh, we chose the UGLIEsT fucking color, but the price was so right- only $100!  (Yep, we're broke, Im on the sick list.)  It's wood & the front is scalloped, But oye vey it's like an awful orangeish stained cherrywood..eeeYUC!  Maybe something for a man's room, but not a pink woman's room.  Guess we'll have to change the carpet to purple.  Doris' friend Tom gave us the deal at his store.  Delivery is mon. supposedly one hour before the TV man comes to rehook up the directTV disc.  We'll see.  My nerves are shot worrying about cleaning this room before anyone comes in it.   All my worrying about everthing in life exhaustes me.

     Okay.  This evening we went to a party around the corner,  Gay boys (Mel, Pete & their 2yr old) plus a lot of other gays & lesbians, plus hets & about 7 (noisy) kids. I dont know, maybe I just complain too much... It was a nice party, but damn, cant ya ever just go to a gay or just lesbian party??? 

Yeah, I know we all need to get along, but if I MUST go to a frickin party cant it just be a group of homosexual friends??? I mean we ALWAYS go to heterosexual parties or just go thru life mixing with them...  Most of the good people I work with are straight.  The Humongous Majority of passengers I work FOR are hets. The frickin' pilots are not only straight, but asshole republicans.  Do they HAVE to come to our damn parties too? 

 You know, ever since moving to the burbs 10 yrs ago - that was it.  So much for the dyke lifestyle!  That was Citylife.  Dang, Im beginning to sound like Brian in Queer As Folk.  And now we are all adopting kids (thank GODDESS that I didnt do that 15yrs ago when Doris told me I could)  so NOW there are always children at all the fuckin' parties.  SHIT.  Even our OWN parties (BBQ's) are mixed (Mainly all D's relatives, children, grandchildren & great grandchildren).  (Okay we're old..) 

 Is it  too much to go to a gay party & expect to have just "FAMILY" there, just a group of Lesbians &/or Gays to laugh & act outrageous (more than usual) with?  Yes, I LOVE my straight friends & neighboors, & I even love children (when they BEHAVE), but you gotta be responsible & Not Swear around the little sweet innocents & always pay attention that they dont hurt themselves.  It's like a damn job away from the job!

     Actually, truth be told, I would have just rather stayed home, gotten in bed & watched TV. Boy have I become BORING.

Well, at least I DID go.  Doris wanted to have dinner there since Mel is such a great cook- those Boy's can really burn!  And it WAS delicious.  and it WAS nice.  AND the straight people were the greatest.  So I dont know why Im complaining.  

I just like what I like

& want what I want. 

Damn.  Now it's almost 0400.  

Thursday, July 07, 2005


My young friend Simone is having a baby tonight.  She is only 17 & living in a foster home.  12 yrs ago I use to hold her, & her sisters Krissy & Ieshaa in my lap at church.  They have grown up so fast.  We lost Simone a couple of yrs ago when she set the house she was living in on fire while squeezing lighter fluid into a charcole pit.  They took her away from that foster family & put her in another one & we werent allowed to communicate. 

     Tonight Krissy (who is now 15) called to say Simone's water broke & she has gone to the hospital.  Then she hooked me up to 3way calling & poor Simone had been sitting in a chair having contractions for 2 hrs in the emergency room while waiting for a bed.  She intends to name the baby Leila... after the boxer Leila Ali.  Sounds good to me.  I fear she'll be an abusive mother, she's still so immature.  Baby's raising babies.  It's so sad, so bad.  What a shame.  Simone was a beautiful child.  A needy little dramatic child, pitching fits, desperately wanting her mother, who couldnt care less.  God I hope she doesnt become a mother like that.  I hope she makes it thru the birth of this new little being.  I Pray baby Leila makes it thru her childhood.  God bless them both.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Rosie's Blog

I often enjoy reading Rosie O'Donnell's blog. She is funny, sensitive, writes in prose & lesbian!  She's real good at blogging, adding pictures & paintings she's done, maybe someday I'll figure out how to put in pictures.  Wish there was a class for this!  Anyway, Ive been writing about the saddness of Luther's death.  But when I saw Rosie's memorial, it was so good I copied it, hope she doesnt mind.  My next entry is her short, great tribute complete with picture & a verse from his song "The Power Of Love."    It's perfect.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

From Rosie O'Donnell's Blog "LUTHER"

power of love

when i say good bye
it is never for long
cause i know our love still lives on
it will be
again exactly like it was
cause i believe in the power of love

The Party's Over!

The BBQ went well. phew! So glad it's over, I was exhausted trying to clean. Doris was beyond amazing with everything that SHE did!! She is stupifying with all the energy she brings on. sigh. Wish it were me, I just cant get there.
     I enjoyed it, but was glad when everyone left. I am not social, ESPECIALLY when it come to having people over to our house. I almost hate it. I want it to be JUST OURS.  (Never did share all that well..)   I always feel invaded with visitors, even family. Especially family.

     Im ashamed Im not neat. I hate that Im a slob. I have to find some way to change this...- if that's even possible.

Saturday, July 02, 2005

Gays Adopting Children

Parenthood is so hard... I was adopted by messed up parents & they
were hets, at least they claimed to be. So many straights are crappy parents,
even some that are my friends. Some gays & lesbians are lousy parents, even
some that are my friends. Some children get really lucky & are born to or
adopted by straight, gay or lesbian parents, some that are my friends. It's
just the hardest job in the world - being a GOOD parent. Although Ive seen
more inferior, obnoxious parents
raising dispicable kids than wonderful parents,
I do believe that it's possible for gay & lesbians to raise great families
as well as heterosexuals. But they can equally bomb at the job, too.

Truth is, Im SO GLAD Im made sure not to get pregnant when I did love men.  at least I dont have tHAT guilt in my life, didnt fuck up any innocent children.  I would have been the WoRsT mother, straight or gay...  I would have beat them & they'd all be walking with a limp or dead. 


I always have more energy in the morning when I wake up.  It only lasts for a short time tho.  Today I gotta start trying to clean the house some.  Doris is great at that, she can zoom thru like a wild tornado & presto, it sparkles!  Not me.  Takes me hours just to move dust around.  I try really hard & after sweating for the whole day, the place still looks like crap, like nothing was done.  D's decided to have a 4th of July barbecue for the family, so she cant do it all (well she COULD if she had to, she's THAT good,)  but I gotta clean, then mow the lawn. 

     They're playing Luther Vandross all day today on 98.7.  So SAD he passed.  All his songs are so great, that voice is so velvet!  Life is just too short.  I dont want to die, Im just not ready.  My house is a fucking mess & my ducks are definitely not all in a row. 

     I gotta get up, put this laptop down (SO hard to do) & start to make a dent around here. (even HARDER).  God PLEASE give me energy to do all this. 


Im sad Luther Vandross died.  I dont know him.  Never met him.  Still Im sad.  So much talent. Such a gorgeous voice!   Someone who could make us feel deeply...  in Love, Sad, Happy, Hopeful..   Now he'll get to "Dance With his Father Again"... his song that always puts a lump in my throat. 

 He seemed so sweet.  And he was gay.  (We gayfolk knew.)  Never came out in public tho'...            

     Lot of that going around.  Like say, umh..tom cruise..  Man has he flashed his ass lately, putting down brave Brooke Shields for taking meds for post partem depression. Many of us have thought Tom was so in the closet. Suddenly  he speaks & is just a moron when he talks, "shares" tries to sound like he knows something.  Shut up you dumbass moron. You're acting like an idiot. Your new beard is so innocent & young, she doesnt know what's hit her.  I was like that with Franklin.  But at least he TOLD me he was gay, even tho he made me feel like I was so special to him. It was confusing, he acted so sexual around me, it often felt like he wanted me...  I can imagine how SHE must feel!

      Now back to Luther.  I shall really miss him.  God Bless you Mr. Vandross.  May you rest in peace.                 

I would never miss Tom Cruise.