Written for The Lesbian Lifestyle...
AAAAAfter a disasterous 1st foray into the World of Lesbiana, I doubled up on therapy sessions & flew extra trips to get the hell away from town. It took me 4 months to jump back into the deep end & begin to troll the Women's Discos again.
One night, back at "The Sahara" I saw adorable Wendy! She was extremely striking! - Gorgeous in fact with a strong, young athletic body & a dazzeling smile for everyone. SO cute, she looked like little Michael Jackson before all the surgery.
W. was only 21yrs with high energy & I was 31yrs trying to pick up the pieces. Never-the-less, when I had that 1st dance with her I felt Whole again. We fit perfectly & she had divine rhythm, sexy burning rhythm! Wow, I was smitten! We started dating & soon she moved into my apt at 35 E 60th St. between Park & Madison.
Well, I was delirious! Finally, I found heaven! I swear, life became everything I knew it could be, living with W. was wonderful. We rode our bicycles all over town, we rollerskated in Central Park, we went dancing at least 2 times a week, we steamed out at the NY Health & Racquet Club, we sang in the Dignity NY choir, we'd order Chinese, take a blanket & picnic by "our lake" near the Central Park boat house, we went to Provincetown & had a great room on Commerce St. with a deck over-looking the ocean! Sex was Hot, Sex was often, Sex was Fun! Oh yeah, Love can fix it! (Ashford & Simpson.)
Since I was more established in my job as a Flight Attendant, I paid the rent & all thebills. W. worked every day at a computer job but didnt make much. She paid for us to eat out, which was a lot. I bought her presents from everywhere I traveled & everyplace around town, I wanted to give her the world.
One night at Dignity, W. leaned over & whispered "Let's write our own vows & get married!" Now I hadnt wanted to get married when I was "straight," & I didnt feel the need to get married now. But I DID want to make her happy. So after dragging my heels a few weeks, she insisted I write my vows on my next 3day trip. I promised I would.
It took me 3 hrs at my hotel room desk to write those words of promise. Excited with my accomplishment I called W. & read them over the phone. Complete silence.
"What's the matter honey, dont you like them?"
"No, that was good." More silence.
"So what's wrong?"
"I just want to talk to you when you come home."
I flew the whole next day with a knot in my gutt. As soon as I got to my hotel room in Phoenix that night I called her again.
"Tell me what's wrong."
"No, I want to wait till I see you."
"W. I cant stand it, please dont do this, tell me now."
pause..."Im attracted to another woman."
I froze, ice cold. All blood ran out of my body. I started to shake in shock & disbelief.
"W. you told me to write wedding vows.."
"I know, Im sorry."
"You're Sorry??? Who is it?"
"It's the receptionistat my computer school."
"Oh my God, you cant be serious?"
"Im sorry. I couldnt help it. I tried not to want her."
"But I love you, what about us?? I Love You, W...."
"I know. I'm sorry."
We hung up the phone. I was hysterical, I was going to be sick. I couldnt believe it, how could this be? I thought she loved me. She had me so convinced she was happy & we were forever. I was awake all night crying, bawling, falling apart.
I flew the next day in a dazed stupor, with the help of the other Flight Attendants who took up the slack when I would run to the galley & burst into tears over & over again. When I finally climbed the steps to my brownstone apt, I was morose. I didnt land that night until after midnight, it was way late. The City was quiet, the silence was deadening. I opened the door... Home Alone.... I fell apart. Her stuff was still everywhere around - everything I had given her.
But she was gone.
One year of pure bliss. Shot to hell. One short year. I had never know such happiness. Now I never felt such grief. I became listless. I couldnt go on. I fell deep into drugs & booze. I was in the dregs of depression. There was no way up or out. My shrink just shook her head. I truly went crazy. I even had a three-some with K. & her girlfriend she dumped me for. They re-introduced cocaine into my life (I had already kicked that habit once before.) I began to fuck indiscriminately, I tried to fuck other black women, but I couldnt, because I only wanted W.
I fell deeper into every addiction I could do to try to numb the pain. One night at the woman's disco "Manhattan", I started to feel like fainting. Between the pot, the coke, the scotch & black russians, not to mention jetlag - I was going to keel over any minute.
Luckily I didnt. A friend drove me home. She came inside & I could see her reflection in a mirror as I got her a drink. It was a look of disgust as she shook her head. I felt embarrassment & shame. I assured her I would be alright, & she left.
Finally, alone again, Truly Alone. I knew I had to get a grip. Passing out was definately NOT cool. It was a wake-up call. No matter how bad or out of control I had been in the past, I WAS ALWAYS COOL. I stopped cold turkey. I never took another drink or drug again.
And as long as it took for me to get over W, I can honestly say I never even think about her today. Never. Of all the people in my past, she means the least to me. I dont hate her or anything, in fact it'd be fine to run into her somewhere, someday. I wish everybody Ive loved the best in life.
W's the one who got away. I loved her too hard & too much. She was like a lightning bolt in my life. BANG! And it was over. Little baby lesbians will love you with all their heart & body & soul. Then they will see something across the room they havent had yet. And off they go on a new adventure.
Goodbye, Adios. See ya later! Capute, The End.
It was a valuable lesson to learn. No more little Chickie-poo's for me. At least I now knew bliss with a Woman was possible. I just had to focus on getting well and staying clean & dry.
I had to get on with living!