Written for The Lesbian Lifestyle...
Coming off of drugs is HARD. I was a zombie. Reality stunk. I could only take it one minute, one hour, one day at a time. yada yada yada YAWN. I tried to sleep it off, so life wouldnt be so painful. I wanted my lover back, my sweetbaby Wendy, my reason to breathe. But that was not to be. She had already set up house with Maria, the fucking receptionist. The rage I felt was overwhelming.
I was exhausted. It was a effort to roll out of bed, an effort to pee, an effort to plod one foot after another. But I had to try, I wasnt getting any younger & my life was a mess. I felt like a royal fuckup & wanted drastically to improve. I was trying with all my might & each day got a little better than the last.
It wasnt the booze or coke that I missed, it was the pot. I missed smoking dope. If I were to be really honest, I still miss weed to this day. I MISS POT. Cant touch it, Wont touch it. But definately miss it.
I dont know how, but one day I started to notice the sun was shining. The world seemed to be going by whether I took part in it or not. Well, how rude was that?! I'd better pay serious attention since I was choosing life instead of death. I had missed out on fun & actually had to focus in order to find a sense of humor again.
If the fatigue deep in my soul would ever just give me a break, I could start to believe that maybe, just maybe life would be worth living once more. Instead of praying for Wendy to come back, I began praying for Help& Grace, & the Will to go on to create my own destiny.
It was time for Christmas vacation & each December I went home to my parents in Los Angeles. My mother was quite an unhappy woman, & we never got along. To stay clean & sober, & deal with her shit was a lot to ask for.
I thought of calling an old best friend of K's that we had often hung out with. I had always liked her & I knew she used to be into drugs & had kicked her habits. I shyly rang to tell her I was now drug free, I was coming to town to visit the folks, & it would be difficult. Could I call her for moral support? Judy was happy to hear from me & said we definately would have dinner one night.
A few days later I buzzed her again to say what time I was leaving & how I was looking foward to talking with her. She replied, "Oh Kathymae Im going to do much more than talk to you!" I blinked as I felt a palpitation deep in my chest. huh? What did she say??? Oh my God. I giggled & ignored her, saying Id call after reaching my destination.
It was always great to see Mother & Daddy at first! For about 2 hours. Then reality would bang me on the head like a rubber mallot & Id remember why I lived clear across the other side of the country. I had a most difficult mother, but that's another story. I could only handle her in small doses. It didnt take long before I started to feel claustrophobic in my own skin, unable to breathe & Desperate to Escape.
I called J. & begged her to please take me away from all this! We laughed & joked, I took a deep breath & said " oh by the way we're just going for dinner, it's too soon after W. for me to even think about sex... I dont want to lead you on or anything." She laughed at my modesty. "Oh Kath, no pressure. Dont even worry about it, what will be will be. I'll just be happy to see you." Wow, that feltwarm. Oh! A feeling. A Good feeling.
I nervously opened the front door, hugged & kissed her hello as I introduced J. to my parents. WoW! She looked good! Real good. DAMN good. Oh, dear.
We talked as she drove me from Santa Ana to Manhattan Beach. What a joy! My first time driving all over LA with a dyke! God, it was liberating! Far from my NYC problems & cutting loose from my poor stodgie old parents, I felt free! Oh my God it was fun,I was having Fun! The hard work of recovery was paying off, I was starting to see a light at the end of a very long, murky tunnel.
We drove to her apt bungalow a block from the beach. The sun had gone down & fog had rolled in. The ocean smelled fresh, but it was damp & cool with a slight December chill. She gave me one of her black leather jackets to wear & she put one on as well.
We walked around the corner to an East West restaurant. The lights were dim & candles were flickering. We began to really catch up on old times & the people we'd gone thru. I have no idea what we said or what we ate. I was on pins & needles, I couldnt even believe I was there with HER!
I was mesmerized by her beauty & mystique... The woman had ALways been Fine. In the past I curiously watched her from a distance with all her different ladies, & I had stared at her close up when she & my 1st girlfriend K. would hang out as best friends.
J was an enigma, & so fucking tough, SO FUCKing tough - yet beautiful. She looked like Kate Jackson of Charlie's Angels & had the mystery of Greta Garbo. She was as BUTCH as they come, but she was slick & gorgeous. I tell you, the woman was FINE!
So after dinner we walked down Main Street to the Manhattan Beach Pier. Oh my God, the fog was lifting, the moon magically shining thru it. Stars started to twinkle & waves softly lapped upon the shore.
She put her arm around my waist as we strolled along the planks. I put my head on her shoulder & we gazed upon the reflection of the moon across the ocean. Her cheek went on my forehead & she kissed it gently. We stood there & embraced, our hands sliding up & down our backs under our jackets. I started to shiver & she said "Let's go back, you're getting cold." We walked to her apt with our arms around each other, laughing & high on life!
Punk, her black cat greeted us at the door, it was good to get in from the dampness. She turned on the TV & we sat on her bed. I just relaxed in her arms & we laughed at Johnny Carson. It was great. No pressure, no expectations. Just two grown women digging each other, sharing the joy.
J. still had her arm around me. I looked in her eyes, she raised my chin & kissed me deeply. Our first kiss on the lips. Oh God, she could kiss! Really Good! We kissed & kissed.
She moved her knee between my thighs & brought it up against me. I started to burn. We Kissed some more, I dont know for how long. She slowly slid her body down my side, unbuttoning my white shirt, whispering in my ear, then lightly biting my neck.
I arched my back bringing my breasts to her lips for awhile, then she pushed me underneath her. I pulled my legs around hers & we started moving together. Oh my God, we were a perfect fit! It had never felt so right.
My tight, tourquoise, courderoy jeans were soaked. J. unzipped them & slid her hand inside my panties while she wasstill on top of me. Her finger slipped inside & the thrill was beyond electric as she worked me over & I cried for joy.
I started pulling off her jeans & we pealed everything from our bodies. Naked at last the lovemaking continued to a fevered pitch! My heart was pounding, my body exploding, I thought I had died & goneto heaven! All thru the night, we did more & more. Never had I ever known such exquisite sex! The woman was a true artist, talented in teasing & pleasing beyond belief.
She finally fell asleep as the sun came up. I held her & stared at the ceiling with a huge smile. This was my best night ever. This was a blessed night. I tried to sleep, but I was still too excited. I closed my eyes & tried to doze off.
When J woke up a couple hours later, the Pointer Sisters were singing .... "Heaven must have sent you honey, to love only me..." The song was perfect, exactly how I felt. She was perfect, we were perfect together! I had Hope!