Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Sometimes It's Just Too Much

I dont know.  Sometimes it's just too much.  Just too damn fucking much. Sometimes I  just want to sScCrReEEEEEAAAmMMM,  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!  shit shit shit.....  fuck fuck FUCK FUCKKKKK!!!  Life just shouldnt have to be like this.  It's so frustrating, esp when you've had MORE. 

Living in the burbs.  Living amongst the straights.  It was so much easier to be gay in NYC.  To be out.  To be FREE! 

Okay, let's just start with choir practice last night.  Now, I am actually TRULY honored that they let me sing with them.  I cant carry a tune, but I get to sing along side of my beautiful lover who just happens to be a fabulous gospel singer in this big, GREAT gospel choir!  Her voice is So powerful it can bring you (& me) to tears.  It is a joy! 

I have gone to this church, Phillips Metropolitan CME Church in Newark for most of the 24yrs Ive been with Doris, it is the church she grew up in, her Grandparents & Parents started this church.

  Everyone there has always from the beginning been very kind & welcoming to me. They are all black.  I am not.  Once they started to realize that I was Doris' romantic girlfriend (dare I say Lover??, they'd faint!) they just ignored it, & basically pretended they didnt know.  Now after all these years many acknowledge they know & accept us anyway....  some of them feeling we are all sinners I guess, so as not to judge.  

Well yes, I have sinned often thru life,

but certainly NOT by BEING GAY. 

Fuck that bullshit.  Anyway, in all the songs we sing, in all the Bible verses, God is ALWAYS refered to as HE.  It's so exhausting.  I KNOW God is not just male.  My God is just as much Female.  'God, Goddess, Universe' -  The Spirit is ALL. 

But I sing the hymns & read the scriptures all these years to be respectful, so as not to upset  the congregation that has been so accepting of me. But I can barely take it much longer.  Esp when there is a perfectly great Gay/Lesbian MCC Church in Jersey called Christ The Liberator.  The majority of which is black!!  The choir is wonderful, too!  And of course they love it when Doris comes to vist cause her exquisite voice just booms above everyone else & I just sing at the top of my lungs proudly along side of her! 

Well, Doris doesnt like it there, she is loyal to HER church.  To her the other one doesnt count as much because it's not in a real church building at the moment.  To me, it is wonderful & the minister gives Great, positive sermons that often celebrate our sexuality.  Unlike Rev. Jennifer who is always screaming about the Blood of Jesus & laying guilt.  He's a nice enough guy, but conservative. 

And a few weeks ago Mr & Mrs Robinson got to stand up while everyone acknowledged their 23rd anniversary with applause.  This sun will be Doris & my 24th Anniversary ( ! ), but will it be acknowledged in anyway, our love celebrated by our church family????  NO  fuck, no.  Doris doesnt even want me to mention it to Rev Jennifer.  Oh my God, dont make waves. 

When I said to her sister tonight at dinner, it is just like being in the closet...  She said not the closet Kathy, not the closet...  EVERYBODY Knows.  (They just might not approve.)  She doesnt understand, she doesnt get it.  (This whole conversation started between us when she asked if I miss living in New York City. I said only when I cant be out with Doris & gave the above example.)  

It is like living in the closet in many ways here in the burbs.  Perhaps not to Doris' straight sister who see's thatneighbors know we have a house & cars & a life together...  But we still cant walk down our street holding hands, or hug in the grocery store or kiss in the malls.  Maybe we can manage to hold hands (under a sweater) with the lights out in a movie theater.  But there is always the fear of possible violence as a result of a PDA.  Especially in the current atmosphere of this administrstion.  It was never a problem in the City. 

But in NYC, in my studio apt at 95 Christopher St in the West Village, I would often lay there alone in my queensize platform bed & miss Doris in NJ.  She did not want to live in NY, at least not in a studio.  She was born in NJ & she will probably die in NJ.  All she ever wanted in life was a house, so we got a house & here we are 24yrs later! 

Now, Im not saying Im miserable, Im not saying Im even unhappy.  It has been a BIG adjustment, but I am so very grateful for how far we've come & for all we've got.  In fact, Im thrilled!

Im just saying that SOMETIMES

esp when people dont understand,

when I dont exactly feel Free, Out & About! -

it can just get to be TOO MUCH.                          


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