Tuesday, July 26, 2005

On Coming Out .... Looking for "The One" pt1.

    written for The Lesbian Lifestyle...    

                http://thelesbianlifestyle.blogspot.com/

 

   Well, where to begin...  I was always attracted to both boys & girls when young.  I was addicted to "playing doctor" & prefered my little girlfriends. I knew something was "wrong" when we started growing up & they were no longer interested. I just couldnt understand it.   

     When I got older, men were just ALWAYS around & they were SO EASY.  You get 'em up, you get 'em off.. nooo problem.  Women, on the other hand were very complicated & each one different with their own triggers that took a lot of time to glean!  As much as I loved them, I was damn lousy at it.. which of course is crap for one's morale.  I would just never make a good butch!...  not yet anyway.

     I had loved & lived with a lot of men in the past.  Sex was not what bothered me about them.  In fact it was all they seemed to be good for, & they made more money than most of us. It was their brains that pissed me off.  Their emotional development was like spit.  Impossible to trust, I always got hurt.  I do NOT share well.  "You're gona make me turn into a lesbian," Id tell the motherfucker's. 

     Truth be told, I was just so damn curious.  And, I began to be desperately curious...  But Real Lesbians werent interested in women with men all around them.  (Consequently to what those conservative religious zealots think - we're not gona charge after all the straight girls in town, a Woman's Woman doesnt want - what some so crudely think of as - a man's toilet.) 

     I would nervously go to the local dyke bar, The Duchess in Greenwich Village, & just sit on the barstools & look at my toes. I was shy, scared & too fancy in those days, nobody seemed interested. 

     Finally I connected with bi-sexual women.  I would get crushes on them.  They were beautiful & tender & it was wonderful at last to get physically close to females!  But sooner or later they all seemed to want to bring me in to their male relationships, to want threesomes, to turn on their men.  blach!  I just wanted to be with only them.  I had my own boyfriend if I wanted a damn man.  It was too much.  And I knew something was missing, not right. 

     One night I was at The Sahara, a fancy upscale east side lesbian bar, with a group of bi-women.  It was a Girls Night Out!  We were sitting around in a circle of white vinal chairs with silver arms & legs & short glass tables.  Of course we were all looking gorgeous, laughing & Loving the atmosphere!  And we were high. 

So along comes K.  She began flirting with everyone, particularly my girlfriend Lynn, a beautiful large-woman's model.  I was not so interested, she was not what I would be attracted to & I was cruising the room.  She tried to get me to talk, yeah I was from Texas like her, & even knew her sister from college.  Man, small world over there in New York City. 

     The 3 of us went into the ladies room to smoke a joint.  (Okay, I was a druggie in those days, but I have 24 1/2 yrs clean & dry NOW.)  Lynn & K. were chatting up a storm, but I was just into the floor length mirror, toking weed & checking out my fine self (God, I was exquisite in those days!)  We left to climb the stairs to the disco room, when K. suddenly turned around midway, grabbed me, shook me & said "RESPOND TO ME."  huh? yeah, okay... whatever.   damn wierdo. 

The three of us began to dance on the crowded floor, & I was jumping around showing off my groove steps to the masses. Then suddenly the DJ slowed itdown & played "La VienRose" by Grace Jones (I'll Never forget it..)

     K. grabbed me & took me close to her, held me tight & Whoops There It Was!    Pelvis to pelvis, clit to clit, swaying, movin' & groovin'to that music.  OH MY GOD!!!  Never had I gone there!  Never had I felt that lightning bolt go thru me before!  I audibly gasped, "oh!" & fell back looking at her in disbelief.  Her eyes riveted into mine, smiling SLyly she said "What's the matter Sugar?" 

     She pulled me back into her tightly, slowly leading me around the floor, swinging, swaying, never loosing contact with me down there, you know, rubbing,bumping to the slow, melodic beat..  She whispered in my ear, "You okay, Baby?"  I swear I melted right there, our bodies became one, every nerve felt electric, I was just gone.  And I became Hers. 

     It took a week before she was able to come over to my apt in Chelsea, before we had real, lesbian nakedsex!!!  After thinking only of her on my flights, I could hardly wait till I saw her again!  It all seemed so perfect.  She lived with her girlfriend & I lived with my boyfriend.  

<<<WRONG!>>>!!!

     As soon as she got me in her clutches, she demanded I move in with her as she had unceremoniously moved her girlfriend out.  What??  I had nothing to do with THAT & it was shocking.  But, I had for So Long wanted to come out & be with a real Woman's Woman.  I felt guilty for hurting my wonderful boyfriend Doug but hell, he saw other women when I flew & on weekends when I would go to gay bars.  We had an understanding.  (After my previous boyfriend had crushed my heart to bits, I had told this one I was looking for a woman & I was done with men...)  So The 'Time Had Come', & altho' I wasnt sure -  it all seemed to be going Too fast.  She was getting Angry at my hesitation, which strangely made me feel she really wanted me.  I gave in & moved. 

     Of course, it was not easy.  As soon as K. had gotten me over there in her 'clutches,' she suddenly didnt seem to be so interested in sex.  Not with me, anyway.  What was this???  What the HELL???  Why did she insist I move in if she didnt really want me?  She was so annoyed when I would reach for her in bed.  "Lesbians arent like men, Kathy they dont think about sex every minute.  Just go back to men if thats all you want."  Shit.  What a life, what a drag.  I so Much wanted to be a 'Real Lesbian' I stayed & kept trying & trying to be what she needed. 

     Oh, by the way...  K was a big time Lesbian shrink, very well known in Greenwich Village.  As great as she was in her profession with others, she would often tell me I was wrong or crazy & follow with a long list of reasons why.  However, she was on lithium for depression & would go nuts constantly, literally screaming at me all the time.  She'd be nice, then she'd be mean.  She'd be great, then she'd be hidious.  She'd be happy, then she'd be crying for me to call her ex fucking girlfriend.  It seemed she was miserable & was determined to make me that way too.  I cried a lot.  I was totally insecure & confused. But I stuck by her, I really wanted to be the good girlfriend, I wanted to make her happy if that was at all possible. 

     Then guess what happened.  She dumped me.  SHE dumped ME...  Ms. Bigtime psycho-therapist dropped me for one of her fucking (literally) CLIENTS.  Bitch. 

Of course, she swore this Person was no longer her client.  She supposedly had gotten her another shrink.  But I used to wait for K. at night after the group therapy sessions that she led was over, & this woman would always be walking out with the rest of the bunch.  Always.  Every week. Until the day I was "dismissed" from K.'s lair.   humph.  They may have fooled everyone else, but not me.  DEFinately NOT me.

    Oh & did I mention that K. had me start going to her own personal therapist about 2 months before she broke up with me???  And by the way, the new shrink her "ex-client" was now going to was the OTHER Dr. in the same damn office.  I thought I would loose my mind. 

      After a year & a half of loving this demented nutcase I ended up in my own luny bin.  My head spinning, What the HELL happened???  What I thought would become ecstasy ended in a downward, spiriling abyss of insanity.  Looking back, it was the WORST relationship I ever had.  It was like living with my crazy-ass mother.  God, one of Those was more than enough. 

     I tried to go back to men.  After all this, they seemed so uncomplicated.  But I did not want a man anymore.  One thing for sure:  If this coming out relationship with K. did not turn me off of women, then I knew for sure I really was a bonafide dyke.

     Now, almost 3 decades later Im not only a bonafide dyke, I am a happy dyke.  I finally know what it's like to be truly Loved & Cherished in spite of my flaws & imperfections.  But how I got from there to here is yet another story...  Actually a couple other stories.... 

     Incidentally, I see K. from time to time in the Women's Clubs.  It's always good to see her.  She still has a special place in my heart, no matter how bad our relationship together was.  After all, she was my first Woman's Woman.  She definately brought me out, for better or worse.  We all have that coming out story, & K. was mine.

1 comment:

ctm211 said...

wow, the thing we gotta go through just to get to where were going, I hope my journey is less intense ( or maybe more, )

Tina