Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Too many dying

First Wendy Wasserstein dies, young in her 50's.  She was a brilliant writer, focusing on women, great for feminist babyboomers!  She had cancer & left a very young daughter.  Hardly anything was written about her on AOL.  Now today there are obits in the papers, but it took long enough. 

Then Coretta Scott King passes.  Very sad, altho' maybe she was happy to go after having that stroke last year & struggling to get well from it.  What a Queen.  She truly helped keep the Dream alive, along with her children.  Where would we be without Martin Luther Jr, his Wife, & Rosa Parks, - so many of those BRAVE souls who stood for integration, equal rights & so much more? 

Well here's the thing...  I have just gone through the AOL thread lines to post about Mrs. King, which by the way was NOT easy to find.- What a shame that her death was no big deal on AOL. 

So here's the shocker, I mean I am SHOCKED.  I have never seen so much horrible dribble written about so fine a person, so great a legacy just dragged through vile, arrogant, abhorant racist shit.  If I ever thought things were better, improving every day in America, then I was clearly fantasizing.  The klan is truly alive, moving on & living everywhere around us, legal terrorists in our own country as surely as leathal as those across the sands & seas. 

I can NOT believe AOL allows such terrible things to be written like that, even tho' it is only "chat posts."  There was SO MUCH negative tripe, I seriously can NOT believe it. 

This is sooo TRUELY depressing, I had to just Stop reading.  How can there still be so much hate between races?  I just don't get it. 

This was my post:

     God bless Coretta, Martin Jr, & their children who have been carrying on The Dream!  God bless all the Strong, Brave Souls who have been fighting for equal rights.  For all of us. 

     I feel sad there are so many hateful posts here on AOL about this beautiful Queen.  I truly appreciate the strength & determination of all who continue to stand for equality & what is right. 
     Thank you Mrs.Coretta Scott King, Martin, Rosa Parks, all those blessed folks who have gone before us, & all those still carrying on to make our land a better place to live for us all.  Let there be Peace.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Home Again

Home again, Thank the Lord.  The trip was easy, I shouldn't complain.  Just wanted to be home. 

And here we are!  Another lazy Sunday in bed, reading the papers & watching the tube.  Wonderful!  My favorite.  Going down to take a hot bath now.  mmmm.  Life is good.

Friday, January 27, 2006

Time To Go Back To work

Well, these past 3 days off seemed like a vacation since I was so beat, tired, & broke.  I was going to pick up a trip for more money, but I really needed the rest.

D. & I went to see Walk The Line again yesterday & it was finally working at the theater.  It was good again, even the 2nd time for me.  I want to see Brokeback Mountain again, it was such a beautiful movie.  I don't need to see Capote again, once was quite enough for that even tho' it was so great.  I really don't know which I'd rather see win best actor, Im sure Phillip Seymour Hoffman will get it - but damn if Joaquin Phoenix wasn't fucking fabulous as Johnny Cash.

Gotta fly out to lax this evening.  I can handle it as long as it isn't that damn early sign in.  phew!  Still, I'd rather not ever have to work again.  Altho' I notice that Doris is beginning to forget a lot of stuff now that she is so relaxed & away from the office. 

Found out Doris had a long, 1 1/2 hr phone conversation when SHE called that damn Bernadette.  Bernie was our next door neighbor for 10yrs & she was A BITCH to me.  I mean, she was NOT nice.  It really bothers me that Doris not only called her, but was so nice to her talking for so long (she is old & now lives with her daughter.)  I mean, it's wierd.  Doris didn't care for her when she was next door complaining about everything.  But that's just Doris - she is kind to everyone no matter how bad they are.  I should just be able to not let this bother me, but I swear I am so pissed about it.  Also she was real nice to that stupid bitch who ate ice creme in front of us all (altho doris wasnt there that day) at Curves.  I mean, it's a free country, eat ice creme all you want & be a huge chunky blimp, but DONT do it where people are seriously TRYING to loose weight, exercise & get healthy.  FUCK.  Doris says I let too much bother me. Okay, obviously she is right, but these things REALLY REALLY PISS ME OFF. 

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Another Addiction, good grief!

Heavens to murgatroid!  I have been having fun doing all these silly blog tests.  It's been rather calming.  Or is it more like catatonic?  I just kept doing one after another.  Oh well.  Can't be too harmful.

Today Doris & I went to Curves, then to see Walk the Line, which I Loved & wanted her to see the Johnny Cash role by Joaquin Phoenix.  But the flim was broken, so we slipped into Fun With Dick & Jane.  It was so silly & stupid.  Jim Carey often reminds me of my silly & stupid brother. 

I miss my brother.  I wish he (& his wife) didn't smoke like chimneys so I could visit him.  Cigarette smoking stinks & it is so stupid.  Seriously can't stand it.  Dont' wanna even see it.  So I just talk to him on the phone.  At least he doesn't chew tobacco & spit like that male flight attendant did the other day.  Now THAT was really gross. 

I love my brother, and I wish I could spend more time with him.  I doubt I'll ever become more tolerant of cigarette smoking.  I hope he doesn't die before I see him again.  Then I would be the stupid one becuase I couldn't stand being around those damn cancer sticks. 

Well anyway, the next bunch of entries are the results of many of the crazy quizes I took.  Some of right on.  Some definately are not!

What Is Your Life Path Number?

Your Life Path Number is 5 Your purpose in life is to life freely and collect experiences.

You love life - new adventures, new people, new ideas.
You are very curious, and you crave novelty in all forms.
You tend to make friends easily, and you enjoy the company of all types of people.

In love, you are fun and even a bit intoxicating. But you won't stick around for long.

You are impulsive and spontaneous - which sometimes leads you to do things you regret.
Sometimes you can be overindulgent with food, sex, or drugs.
You have many talents, so many that you are often scattered and unfocused.



Subject: Short Personality Test
Time: 11:30:42 AM EST
Author:  kmb524
Mood:  Happy
Music:  TV   The View
Edit Entry Delete Entry

Your Personality Profile You are dependable, popular, and observant.
Deep and thoughtful, you are prone to moodiness.
In fact, your emotions tend to influence everything you do.

You are unique, creative, and expressive.
You don't mind waving your freak flag every once and a while.
And lucky for you, most people find your weird ways charming!

The World's Shortest Personality Test



Subject: Your Blog Should Be Purple  
Time: 11:27:27 AM EST
Author:  kmb524
Mood:  Happy
Music:  TV   The View
Edit Entry Delete Entry

Your Blog Should Be Purple You're an expressive, offbeat blogger who tends to write about anything and everything.
You tend to set blogging trends, and you're the most likely to write your own meme or survey.
You are a bit distant though. Your blog is all about you - not what anyone else has to say. 


Subject: What Is Your Hidden Talent?
Time: 12:00:31 AM EST
Author:  kmb524
Mood:  Mischievous
Music:  TV
Edit Entry Delete Entry

Your Hidden Talent You have the power to persuade and influence others.
You're the type of person who can turn a whole room around.
The potential for great leadership is there, as long as you don't abuse it.
Always remember, you have a lot more power over people than you might think!


Subject: What Does Your face say?
Time: 11:52:36 PM EST
Author:  kmb524
Mood:  Happy
Music:  TV    David Letterman
Edit Entry Delete Entry

What Your Face Says At first glance, people see you as down to earth and reliable.

Overall, your true self is moody and dynamic.

With friends, you seem logical, detached, and a bit manipulative.

In love, you seem mysterious and interesting.

In stressful situations, you seem sad and helpless.

Written by kmb524 . Link to this entry | Blog about this entry | Notify AOL



Subject: What kind of Temperament Are You?
Time: 11:45:18 PM EST
Author:  kmb524
Mood:  Silly
Music:  TV   David Letterman
Edit Entry Delete Entry

You Have a Choleric Temperament You are a person of great enthusiasm - easily excited by many things.
Unsatisfied by the ordinary, you are reaching for an epic, extraordinary life.
You want the best. The best life. The best love. The best reputation.

You posses a sharp and keen intellect. Your mind is your primary weapon.
Strong willed, nothing can keep you down. Your energy can break down any wall.
You're an instantly passionate person - and this passion gives you an intoxicating power over others.

At your worst, you are a narcissist. Full of yourself and even proud of your faults.
Stubborn and opinionated, you know what you think is right. End of discussion.
A bit of a misanthrope, you often see others as weak, ignorant, and inferior.

Written by kmb524 . Link to this entry | Blog about this entry | Notify AOL



Subject: What Type Of Weather are You?
Time: 11:09:43 PM EST
Author:  kmb524
Mood:  Happy
Music:  TV   1100 News
Edit Entry Delete Entry

You Are Wind Strong and overpowering
A force to be reckoned with, no one dares cross you
You have the power to change everything around you

You are best known for: your wrath

Your dominant state: commanding


Subject: How You Live Your Life
Time: 10:55:05 PM EST
Author:  kmb524
Mood:  Silly
Music:  TV  Boston Legal
Edit Entry Delete Entry

How You Life Your Life You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside.
You tend to avoid confrontation and stay away from sticky situations.
You're open to new people and friends, which makes you a pretty popular person.
You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006


Goodness!  That early sign-in was a killer.  Finally got to the hotel in lax & fell into bed & PASSED OUT for a good 4 1/2 hr NAP!  Got food, watched some sun night telly & went back to sleep.  KMae was too pooped to pop! 

Will there ever be a day I'm not tired ever again?

Andy signed up for Arbonne!  Now if she'll just buy something!

Saturday, January 21, 2006


Warning:  This is very boring unless you really want to know about Doris' 70th Bday Party.

After getting in at 0300 from a messed up trip, I slept a few hours, got up early slipped out while she was still sleeping to get balloons & roses & set up the 4 cards I got her.  She loved it.  We went to the Scotchwood for Brunch after which a group of servers brought her a slice of cake with a candle in it & sang Happy Birthday!  That was so nice of them.

Got back into bed for awhile then put on makeup & left for "Weight Watchers" (the story I told Doris) & took my cameras & 2 big story boards with her pictures from babyhood till now to Freshwaters.  Then made the trek to Newark to pick up Nijohn, Davion, Lynette & Shechinah (who remarked to me that I should have surgery on my long nose to make it shorter.)  (she's 4.)  Of course they weren't ready so I had to wait at their new apt.  Drove back in rush hr traffic, bumper to bumper.  Frickin' pain. 

Called Sis on the way home, after dropping them off at Freshwaters, coordinating going to the party.  I told her I couldn't get balloons, so she said she would (ps she only got 3 for God's sake, although one had a big 70 on it which was really cool.)  (Doris thought we were havin a birthday dinner with Sis & Barbara.)  Told Doris the traffic was hideous when I finally rolled in.  Sis called & told me to wait 10 minutes as not everyone was there yet.

When we arrived, Sharon Freshwater led us up the stairs to "show us a new painting she bought" & I could see everybody's legs & feet under the tables at the top of the stairs in the darkened room.  When Doris got up to the landing everyone jumped up & shouted "S U R P R I S E ! ! ! !"   Her mouth just dropped & she was shocked.  Everyone was clapping & singing Happy Birthday, Doris was totally stunned.  There was a whole lot of Love in the room in everyone's eyes & smiles.  She was speechless & kept saying "I am so surprised," about 75 times.  It was really SO GREAT!! 

Yipee YEEEAAAAh, Yipee-i-o-kiii-A  ! ! !   I was thrilled, myself!  How wonderful it worked!

The party was just grand!  Everybody chowed down on plates piled high with baked chicken, babyback ribs, garlic shrimp, potato salad, collard greens, mac & cheese, string beans, & candied sweets with corn muffins, coke, ice tea & lemonade.  (I think I was the only one who ate everything on my plate with my Weight Watcher starvation..) Everyone else was so full before they finished. I should have ordered more ribs, they were so scrumptious. 

Dolly, Harriet & Helen came late when we were eating.  Then Derrick, Lulu & little Derrick came late, but at least they came.  Lois tried crashing the party with some young woman.  (amazing.)  By the time Tiffany arrived, all the food had been packed away so she ordered ala carte.  Doris was thrilled Tiff was there & she looked beautiful!  I was now running around snapping pictures. 

Then came dessert.  I had 2 ice cream cakes made, a big slab with a picture of Doris as a baby next to a picture of her now with Happy 70th Birthday Doris.  The other a medium round cake with a picture of Nijohn & Doris in a swim suit on it with Happy Birthday Nijohn for his 14th bday on the same day.  (Didn't want him to feel left out although this party was definately for Doris.)  And also, after everyone was sated on ice cream cake, out came the peach cobler!  That was a definate hit.

Doris was darting in & out among her guests busily chatting, laughing & entertaining with her great sense of humor!  She was SO HAPPY.  !  Mission accomplished !   Girlfriend was just thrilled!  It was all very satisfying after all the fretting, worrying, sweating, & aggravation...(Sharon the self-absorbed, rude bitch daughter.  She WAS NOT missed (Tiffany made sure she called her on her cell phone & hand it to Doris where she copped a 'I was afraid to loose my job & leave work early' number (like she doesn't do that all the time I'm so sure...) & neither was Herman & his bs missed.)

My baby wasa happy girl, albeit a 70yr old lady!  She looked radiant.  It was worth taking $1500 to do all this from the credit union. 

Today We had brunch with Sis.  Then we went to see "Capote."  It was good, what acting!  I think I'll get "In Cold Blood," & read it for the next 2 yrs.  That book is thick.

Came home & fell asleep.  Lord I'm exhausted.  Now I have to get up in 3 hours & fly out (sunday) tomorrow.    Hope I get some sleep now.  My feet still hurt from the last trip.  I'm so glad I didn't have to tromp around the Auto Show at the Meadowlands today, Doris will do that with Sis tomorrow.  phew!


Really Good Party

Doris was really surprised!  It worked!  She was ecstatic!  I did well.  I am happy, proud & truly relieved.  Phew!  So glad it's over.  SIGH>>>>!  Thank GOD she had a happy 70th birthday.  Excellent.  Kudos to Sis for her help.  yea!

I'll write more tomorrow.  I'm pOOped.

Thursday, January 19, 2006


Im still In Miami at the hotel.

Just pulled up an email from Tiffany saying, & I quote, "mommy won't be there in case you already didn't know..  She then assured me she was coming & wrote love, Tiffany Ms Mary  Sunshine.


So that is my way of finding out Sharon isn't coming.  How rude.  I am sad for Doris.  sigh.  damn.  I want to cry for her. 

Well, gotta go up & get ready to fly home.  YEA HOME! 

It's raining & cold here in Florida.  That is also rude.  shish.

MIA Layover

Im on a Miami layover in a beach hotel.  They have computers for crew folks to use on the mezanine.  Im  very tired, this was our day;

lax-ewr... sit in ewr 3 hrs then

ewr-mia.  Long fuckin' day. 

Could have been worse, I guess I shouldn't complain, especially since Im off the plane & in a hotel finally! 

Im starting to worry about the surprise party for Doris.  I hope everybody comes. 

Her daughter, Sharon has not returned ANY of my calls.  She has always been a rude little piece of work.  Very self-centered.  Perhaps it is because she is her mother's daughter.  Ooooh, did I say that?  She & Herman have the same father.  Perhaps they both inherited his asshole gene.  rrrggggghhhhhh.

Who the hell knows why people have no courteous behavior involving family.  Well, I know why I didn't, but these 2 have such a sweet mother who loves them so much - I just don't get it.  They seriously don't know how lucky they were & are to have a mother like Doris. 

At least Derrick knows, & I am definately counting on him to show up.  Derrick most always comes thru for Ms. Dottie.  He appreciates the struggle she went through to raise her 3 children alone.  I could have never done it, myself. 

And clearly neither could "Shay" who totally ignored her daughter growing up & "Asmar" who contributes nada to his two boys, doesn't even visit them when he does come to town.  But Oh, Well.....  Nevermind all that...

Friday will be a great party for my soon to be 70 year old baby!  I hope no one has tipped her off to tell her the surprise.  I also hope I make it in on time, because the weather today was fierce, which is why we got in so late.

I am really annoyed at Sharon.  Hell, at least she could have returned ONE of my many calls.  That's just not right.  How dissappointing.

I must stop this negativity.  I was doing quite well for a couple of weeks there. And I'm cleaning up around the house more.   I'm trying to be better.  When I'm tired, it gets harder. 

I walked out to the beach by myself when I first got here tonight.  The clouds are covering the fullish moon & it is dark & eerie out there for miles, yet beautifully mysterious.  When I get away from my own limited life & gaze into  a part of the world not well known to me, it is awsome to consider so many different lives elsewhere. 

Although I would rather be home, laying in bed next to my Doris, I am very grateful for the life I do have & to be here tonight.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Gotta Fly Out Early

Crap, I gotta get up in 3 hrs & fly out for THREE days.  Shit, don't know which is worse, getting up so early or being away for 3 days.  Getting up EARLY I'm thinkin'.

24 is back!  Love that show!  Was watching that on the big TV & Doris set up a small one on the bed so we could watch the Golden Globes at the same time.  Very cool!  Brokeback Mountain won best movie.  YEA!  So there, all you homophobes! 

Be back thur nite after midnight.  Yikes.  Sure hope I make it back, for you know who's surprise party on fri!!!

Happy Martin Luther King Day!

Today is Martin Luther King's B'day Holiday!  It is SO amazing that we finally have this nationally!  It was a long struggle to get this in every state.  Unfortunately I think it will be a longer struggle to ever abolish racisim. 

Growing up in Texas, everything was segregated.  I never liked that, & always felt the unfairness.  Last week I spoke with someone who does not want to move back to our old neighboorhood because she now has children.  She said that everyone there now sends their kids to that snooty private school, Hockaday.  It is because things have changed so much, schools are integrated & actually get help from the govt.for those who need free school meals.  She doesn't want her kids to have to grow up around that.

Very, very sad.  The more things change, the more they stay the ssme.  Fucking biggot rednecks.  So glad I escaped, even tho' predjudice abounds everywhere.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Another great Sunday!

Oh gosh, how did I get so lucky, 2 Sundays in a row!  Doris went off to church, even tho' there was a Nor-Easter last night & everything is coated with slick ICE.  Good time to just nest in bed!!!  I love this.  It is bitterly cold & windy outside.

Saturday, January 14, 2006


I notice when it takes a while to put an entry in this blog that I am relatively happy & things are good!  I seem to need to blog when something is bothering me.  Right now things are great, thank GOD, GODDESS, UNIVERSE! 

I took my name off the side bar under circling thoughts.  A cyber friend pointed out how careless that could be.  It's true I think.  Altho' I am always careful not to say anything incriminating about my job, perhaps it is still risky. 

 Interesting how we all worry about getting fired, esp after all these decades of blood, sweat & tears.  Luckily I do still love my job enough to want to keep it.  (Well, I can hate it too- it seems everything is a bit of a love/hate relationship with me.) 

Pam got on my nerves last night.  She can be such a bitch, but she is still a very good person.  I am a bitch, but I am a good person, so she is no worse than I.  Well, she IS a much worse bitch.  So there.

Last night they (Pam & Marilyn - I call them Parilyn) were complaining about my perfume... (they always complain about perfume - they are alergic, but Pam wears a lot & it doesnt bother them...)  well I have been wearing this one to work for 2 yrs now, thought Id found one that doesnt bother them as well. 

I love to wear perfume & smell pretty, so does Doris.  I finally got home after deadheading to JFK & limo-ing back to EWR.  (Pain in the ass, our flight cancelled in LA)   I asked Doris (all cuddled up in bed) if I stunk.  she said mmmm, no YOU smell GrEaT. 

Good, that is good, Parilyn can go blow.  I was so glad to get home to Doris.  Thank the Lord that all is well on the home front again!

Thursday, January 12, 2006

tired again, what else is new?

It is great to be just bored instead of crazed over my relationship with Doris.  Had 2 days off after working an exhausting dfw turn, it was just mundane - sooo tired I felt fluish yesterday.  Went to Curves, then ran all over to get a surprise 70th birthday party together for Jan 20th.  I'll have to take a loan out for the $1000 for the room in the restaurant.  Crazy, I know but jeese, Doris is going to be 70 and that is very special.  Flying out today to lax.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

ah.... Sundays at home

Ahh  Sundays, sweet Sundays....  in bed, Alone...  Doris went to church but didnt bother me about going even tho this was our Sunday to sing.  I immediately went back to sleep after she left.  mmmm, s l e e p !   Didn't even read all the sunday papers stacked up at the bottom of the mattress.  Really am tired. 

Now just catching up on computer reading & watching a really neat lesbian movie,"Desert Hearts."  God, it's so cool!  Doris is downstairs back home cooking a delecious smelling chicken dinner.

Life is wonderful, once again.   Oooh, here comes the best part of the movie.  later.....


It was good to fly with Pam & Marilyn again.  Parilyn I call them.  Pam was talking about retiring in 1 1/2 hrs.  Marilyn is not so sure about being home with Michael everyday with no chance to get away.  I am worried about not getting SS for 2 yr - not enough money, maybe not enough even then. 

Andy was #1. 

So talking to them about fighting with Doris almost upset me again, since Pam thinks we should seek couples counseling so as not to let it go so far to where we can't get it back.  she may be right. 

I brought the fight up when we were taking baths tonight.  She was annoyed, but I told her I didnt want to fight anymore & if she didnt understand it is being disrespected in front of her Kids & grandkids that sends me over the edge, then it will only happen again. 

Then we just talied about other stuff.  She seems to have handled that okay.  Now Im tired, Im going to sleep.  To much IMing tonight!!!  It is always good to touch base with my cyber space friends.

Friday, January 06, 2006


Just had 1 day off, accomplished a lot even tho' I didn't get home till 0430 yesterday morn.  I noticed the equipment has been changed to a 767 again today so Pam & Marilyn get to deadhead.  I love working the 767. (in coach.)

So had brunch wit Sis, got dog/cat food & kitty litter,

Took down outdoor xmas lights.  That's always sad.  Can't take down the tree inside yet, it's still so pretty, & it hasn't been up that long.

Went to the A&P, bought food for dinner & took it home for D. to cook.

Went to Weight Watchers.  This is the 1st day I didn't loose any weight since the beginning.  Must have been that fucking delecious ziti that Sis sent over.  Just couldn't stop once I started, my God it was good.  Oh well, at least I maintained the 25 lbs lost & didn't gain.  Of course I've been starving  for 2 days for repentence.

Went to drug store, got hair stuff & frickin' support pantyhose.  Can I ever have enough hair conditioner?

Doris had cooked a delecious Salmon /veggie dinner & was actually walking Roxie when I got home! 

Then we got in bed & watched "Dancing With The Stars" for 2 hours.  I LOVE that show!!  It is great!

Now I gotta get ready for work again, time to leave.  So soon?  Just as well.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

1st Flight Back after Vacation (& I use the term loosely)

I am sitting in the Marina Del Rey Marriot - finally- the flight was real delayed tonight.  & there was a butt in everyseat, we were oversold PLUS they changed equipment & it was a big 767!  I love that plane, esp in back (1st class is too hard & too slow with 30 folks up there.) 

The fA's were great & the full load & all the work took my mind off all my troubles.  It was nice to be among people that respected me & appreciated my hard work & professionalism.  heh heh, well I may be stretching it a bit much at the last there.  These FA's liked me, I forgot how good it feels to be among this ewr group of peers.  No WONDER I hate real estate agents, Flight crews are sweet, funny & oh so nice & caring. 

I hugged Doris goodbye & said 'I dont want to fight anymore...'  She said okay, we wont fight.  She had been singing Jesus songs this morning (what she always does when she's upset) & it was so beautiful, her voice is SO wonderful. 

I wanted to call home & tell her how delayed our flight was going to be, but I didn't.  Figured just leave her alone.  (She had told me to just leave her alone last night... to which I replied Doris, I've left you alone for years...)  I think it upset her some.  Not that much, as she won't let anything upset her that much.  Wish I could learn that trick.  Now I want to call her from Los Angeles, but it's 0300am her time, midnight here.

The thing is she's all I ever think about, my little world basically revolves around her.  It's been that way since the day I met her 24yrs ago.  That's why all this fighting is so fucked.  Like what the HELL is going on??  Doesn't she know I adore her?  Definately more than she does me...  she's got all these family jerkoffs in her life that came first, seems like they are more important.  SO glad I don't have that to deal with in my family anymore.  My friend Rosanne says next time she's gona get involved with orphans only.  HAH!  She's got a GOOD point.  Someone who has no other crazy family fartbrains to concern themselves over.  Yeah, that's the ticket!

Okay, up to my room & a hot bath.  phew!  Glad this day is over.  Thank you Godfor helping me make it thru.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Back to Work

Gotta fly out today.  Vacation (WHAT vacation?) is over.  I am deeply depressed.  Big surprise. 

2005 was horrible, I was glad to see it go.  Thought 2006 would be better, but so far it's worse.  Or at least as bad.  Is it me?  I gotta get a grip here.

Dreamed about my parents last night.  We were getting ready to go on vacation.  Daddy was figuring out the milage with a map like he did every year.  Mother was smiling & happy.  Alan & I were going thru the (huge) house turning off all the lights.  We were all looking forward to the adventure coming up.  The different thing is that we had Pinkie the van that Doris & I had.  That would have been great.  It was nice of them to come by & visit me last night.  I guess they knew how sad & upset I was.  That was kinda comforting.

So today we're acting as if nothing happened, nothing is wrong.  It makes me wonder if the past 24yrs were all a farce.  Last night I thought about just flying trip after trip after trip to stay away.  But that's how I got shingles.  Oh wait, no ...  according to my beloved it was because I am such a miserable bitch.  

How sad.  How truly sad.  My life is in limbo.  I don't feel hate for her today.  Just regret.  I have a deep pool of despare filling my insides, the hard ache of depression in my gutt.  God, I hope I don't cry on the plane in front of  the other Flight Attendants.  I have to become more positive before this gets out of hand. 

Another Fight

Another fight.  sigh.  I just don't know.  Can it be any clearer that we are coming apart?  Could the writing be any bigger on the fucking wall already?  I am starting to hate her.  I hate this, that's for sure.  Good thing I'm flying out tomorrow.  Which I hate that I have to go back to work already.  I traded my 1st trip that went out today so that I could have an extra day of vacation.  Nice day, went to the movies... 

She was calling her kids/grandkids...  just chatting.  Called up Herman, just chatting like none of this past week ever happened.  hehehe, hahah, chat chat chat, Then all of a sudden screams at ME in the phone (which Herman is on the other end) Kathy don't change that channel.  (I am turning on channel 5 for "House"...which SHE likes, not me  so much, I'm doing it for her.)  But she actually SCREAMS at me in front of him.  I just loose it.  I dont even KNOW what I said.  The thing is she NEVER knows when she's screaming at me.  And she ends up disrespecting me in front of her kids, her grandkids, & that was it, I wasn't having it anymore.  So here we go again, I'm mean, I'm horrible, I'm a nasty bitch, I get shingles & everything else because I'm such a fucked up , dispicable miserable bitch.  She's fine, she doesnt get sick, that's why I'm always sick because I'm so hateful.  So when I respond to her in the way that she has just screamed & responded to me she doesn't even get that she did it first.  What ever.  I'm tired.  Just getting sick of it all.  24 years & here we are.  Go figure.  This truly sucks.

Monday, January 02, 2006

Brokeback Mountain

Saw Brokeback Mountain this evening.  Wow.  Really good movie.  You can totally waste your whole life (& your lover's) when you live in the closet.  Very sad.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

resolutions 2006



Loose 25 or more LBS  (food)


Get out of this writer's block & WRITE something meaningful

more to follow.....

Happy New Year

So chruch last night was boring.  I'm so done with the CME guilt trips.  Maybe I'll start going to the gay church & leave doris with her Phillips congregation.  Minor detail about the choir.  Everyone there has been nice to me for all these years, but I'm sick of the guilt shit.

Last night doris, sis & I went to the scotchwood diner after church.  It was fine.  Fell asleep fast.  Sure was glad when we woke up that I had already told doris last night I wasn't going this morning. 

She tore around & got ready & split.


Love it, home alone.  I miss this serenity.

Happy New Year, 2006!