Sunday, December 31, 2006

Another Inventory

I'm sitting here (D went to church,) taking inventory of 2006 trying to think of something uplifting because for some reason I could so easily slip into depression.  (I'm trying not to panic here, let me stay positive.)  I put on some good gospel music, that should help!

I find my own blog to be a great tool in the  perspective of where I've been & where I'm going.  Guess it's 'cause I don't remember much lately.  Never the less, I've been reading back thru this year. 

Guess I've done okay.  But next year in 2007 I hope I get my money problems under control.  It's ridiculous & embarrassing that at this age I am so broke.  Also, I should go to dr's & a dentist, I've managed to go thru the year with good enough health not to bother.  Not too smart, but better finances will help with that.  Thank you God, Goddess, Universe for great health!!

I notice that not too many blog folks in relationships write about any problems they are going thru like I have.  Surely their lives can't be ALL so happy & sunshiney?  Then again, maybe they really are totally ecstatic with each other everyday!  

I definately DO feel that way with Doris quite often, however I notice I tend to write more when I've hit those chords of discontent.  Doris is just generally happy-go-lucky, outwardly sweet to everyone, always positive & feeling blessed.  It is a great way to be...  albeit a bit like living in denial for me.  Ha.  Wish I was more like her.  I just think too much.  She really tries more not to think, by constantly having TV or stereo going, sometimes both at the same time, (argh, too noisey for me...) or reading 2 or 3 daily newspapers.

She remaines calm to keep her blood pressure down, & I'd do well to learn that  trick.  I brood more & feel deeply. 

She is really FUNNY & makes me laugh, which is the most important thing in a relationship as far as I'm concerned. That & trust not to be fucked around on.  Hate THAT. 

Doris can COOK!  And she cleans like a white tornado in record speed!  I burn hard boiled eggs & after I spend a whole day "cleaning up" the place still looks as messy & disheveled as ever. 

Oh, and she is exquisitely beautiful & ALWAYS lookslike a fashion plate stepping right off the pages of Vogue.  Even in her jeans.  Me?  I USED to be like that but prefer my baggy sweats & no makeup at this stage of life.  (I do force myself to gussie up since she likes it, tho'.)

That is getting easier to do again since I've dropped all this weight.  Which brings me to my greatest accomplishment this year...  Getting rid of 53 lbs of dead flubber thru Weight Watchers & Curves.  Now if I can just maintain this thru the next year & stay on 'lifetime member' I will be proud.  I am so relieved not to appear fat to others, I was ashamed.  Doris never made me feel bad about it, though.  She always said she loved me no matter what. 

Most the time I believed her.  I just didn't love myself.  It's hard to do, being such a perfectionist. 

Tonight we are going to a New Year's Eve dinner party down the street at the home of nice gay men!  I am looking fwd to it.  They have it every year, & the people there are always nice & mainly from the Gay church, MCC.  It's a GREAT way to start out the new year!

Happy New Year, Y'all! 
Be safe out there.

Lazy Day!

Just layed around in bed ALL day, reading the papers, napping, watching Lifetime TV movies, totally relaxing.  It was glorious,  Finally got up & had a delicious dinner at Charlie Brown's.  Life is good here in my little corner of the world.  Thank you, Jesus!  Alleluia & Amen.

Two days ago we had the youngest grandson here again.  Doris was cooking in the kitchen & I had come dowstairs to spend time watching TV with the kid & to be close to them.  At one point I had asked him to turn the volume down a little, (it was blaring.)  Doris started saying 'he's just minding his business, not bothering anyone, leave him alone, go back upstairs,..'  I got up went up to her in the kitchen & said do you enjoy putting me down in front of your grandson, is this fun to you? You always do this in front of your kids & grandkids.  She was like, why are you bothering him, I said I came down to be with him, to be with you both..  Are you getting off on this? I turned around & went up to feed the animals. She was saying no, I didn't mean anything by it, denying any problem.  I put the dog on the leash & walked out the door saying you do this everytime, you did it last time in front of all of them.  I came back & dinner was ready & she said she was sorry, she didn't mean anything by it.  The night continued on & we took the young one home. 

Back in bed, everything was fine.  It was SO great to be just alone in the house with her again.  Yesterday was great.  And then today was so mellow. 

I'm going to have to have a conversation with her about putting on a united front & supporting each other, a concept she has obviously yet to consider.  I'll just have to choose that time wisely so as not to start WW3.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Still Chillin'

Still Chillin', made it thru Christmas with only the grandkids, none of the (adult) kids or the annoying sister showed up because of teeming rain & travel time. It was  wonderful with the good sister & her immediate family & grandkids!  No big drama or bullshit.  Cool.

Still, I got off my food plan & ate everything in sight, & I had NO control over eating desserts & went crazy with red velvet cake.  Geesh, pathetic.  Whatever.  Today I got up first thing & went to Curves, & plan to every day the rest of the week. 

Got a bit upset today when taking the grandkids home, the younger one wanted to stay & Doris thought it was so cute & did not say no.  I socked her in the arm (oh great, now I'm hitting her) & said WE WERE GOING TO THE MOVIES, WE DISCUSSED THIS...  She said I just want peace, I said NO you don't, we already talked about this, so if you dont want to go to Dream Girls, fine.  She did tell the Grandkid he had to go home with his brother (they are 14 & 18) & we DID go see Dream Girls.  Which was So FABULOUS, by the way!!!! 

Doris will pick up the kid tomorrow & bring him back over.  Aunt Kathy here wanted a damn break. 

Monday, December 25, 2006

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays to One & All!

All's quiet on the Eastern front over here.  Usually I would agree with Bent over at Bent Fabric during this time of the season.  I have hated it for years & Cringe at the first Xmas trees, first commercials & HATE the damn music, man it has set me on the edge of STRESS & dread for decades now.  It hhas always meant too much to get done & not enough time to do it... 

But THIS Year has been different!  At first I was so SAD I was too broke to afford my 10 yearly photo albums & enlarge all the pics I've taken thru the year for D's family.  Too busted to even buy Doris a great gift. Too paralyzed to even get out my  annual  Xmas  Letters & picture cards.  sigh. 

Well, who knew it would free me to actually enjoy the holiday???  I am even relaxed.  I have just so far floated thru it all & even loved the festivities & parties.  In a few hours we shall pick up some grandkids & drive off of Burlington where we always congregate with major family & friends.  I'm not even worried.  Whatever!  I am along for the ride & shall take more pictures, hopefully for next Christmas. 

Stay tuned, I shall add to this later after midnight to talk of how it went! 
Meanwhile, have a wonderful day everyone!
I am planning on it.
xxoo smooches!

Friday, December 22, 2006


Okay.  Has anyone else had this problem??
All of a sudden I am NOT able to leave comments on SO MANY blogs now.  I mean like, WHAT THE HELL???  Does anyone know what to do, IS there anything to do?  I'm merrily going along, reading my favorite folks, then click to comments & then get thrown out.  Afterwhich I have to shut my computer down & turn it back on.  Now this is fucked up, not to mention stupid as shit.  Sassy or Elizabeth, any suggestions? 

And if anyone can get to Tropopause please tell her the window shades need to be opened for takeoff & landing so we can assess conditions outside (ie FIRE!) in case of emergency landings...  I wouldn't want to open a door to evacuate if there are flames out there!!  I've tried to answer that from weeks ago.  She doesn't even have her email addy on her blog, or I would have personally sent her the answer.

Then please tell Queen Maxine at So Many Other Dreams that many airports have taken seating OUT so that homeless people can not sit & sleep...(SO SAD, but true...)

And if you can inform Zoe at Gaymo that I would NOT like to find out if Doris was fucking around on me.  (She's taking a poll..)  My ego is SO fragile (oh yeah, such a dainty little flower am I) that I would kill them both & leave.  After 25yrs together, I would miss her so much, I doubt I could go on without her.  (wouldn't miss her family much, tho' HAHAHA!) (ooops!  SHUT UP, Kathy.)

Next, I wish I could tell Syd at Adrenalin's Shadow that it'd been great if someone had taught ME how to fight as a kid.  (Altho' I would have surely gotten into big trouble with my violent tendencies.) And Julie B did a GREAT meme at Lost Inside My Mind.  And I can no longer reply to Deborah at Middle Daughter EITHER...DAMN!!!!

It really pisses me off I can no longer communicate with these cool cyber friends. 
Fuck Shit Piss.  Dammittohell!  Somebody HELP me, Please.

3 days before Xmas, & I am still coasting.  Can't do much without money, so it really eliminates STRESS!  Hey this is great, who knew?  I'm usually in high insanity about now.  Instead, I am happy & joyful for what I DO have!

I Love you guys.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

A Different Kind of Holiday

I didn't realize it's been 2 weeks since I wrote.  And here I was going thru all my favorite blogs cussing out the bloggers who haven't added anything new for weeks....   Hmmm.  Well, fuck me I guess! 

My burnt arm has just about healed itself!  I'm going to the Dr. again tomorrow & I expect to be released to clear the "sick list."  Even better news, I'm on vacation for these last 2 weeks of Dec!  And I am feeling great from all the rest from my 'injury on duty' time off, which is RARE during the holidays because I'd normally pick up major extra trips BEFORE the vacation so my paycheck wouldn't be so sparse.  Oh well.  Don't know how I'm gona make it in Feb when I get the paycheck the end of Jan with no overtime from Dec.  (We're paid the next month for out flights for the present month.)  For sure I'll be trying to squeeze in many extra trips in Jan so the end of Feb's pay will be redeeming... hopefully.

Now you see why I haven't written, I have nothing interesting to say.

So D & I've seen 8 movies...
The Departed, Apocalypto,The Nativity, DeJeVu, The Pursuit of Happyness,  Casino Royal, & Borat...(hated Borat btw.)  Love movie popcorn.  Miss the fake butter, tho.

I have no money for Xmas gifts.
The fabulous photo albums I make for all of D's family each year cost well over $1200 which is just not there this year.
Don't feel like doing my yearly Xmas picture card & letter, either.  Damn, the stamps are so expensive now. 
Decorated the outside & finally put up the Tree.  I add a few ornaments each day...  pretty half-ass.. 
It's just always such a struggle for me each year to get it all done in time.  Then the kids/grandkids come & the family drama starts, so I get pissed I've put myself out for everyone...  Decided not to do anything this year, so I won't get so fucking annoyed.  I notice I'm feeling a LOT more holidayish without all that stress.  Fuck everyone, I'm just coasting this year.  I'm a lot happier this way. 

Being broke is sorta embarassing.  And depressing.  Esp at my age, thought I'd have it more together by now.  But it is what it is...  And anyway thank God I was able to take out a small loan to pay off some bills & this month's mortgage.  phew!  I am grateful.

Friday, December 08, 2006

A Meme From Ann

Copy and paste, and put in your own answers...
FULL NAME:   Kathlene Mae
1. What is your occupation?  Flight Attendant/ (Real Estate Agent...wait a minute, I don't do that much anymore.)

2. What color are your socks right now?   Flesh (I'm in BED!) But I always wear black.
3. What are you listening to right now?   TV Jay Leno, only because Letterman is a repeat

4. What was the last thing that you ate?   Bahaa Fresh Bare chicken Burrito withOUT rice in a bowl

5. Can you drive a stick shift?     Hell yeah, my 1st red corvair was a stick!

6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?   Deep Purple

7. Last person you spoke to on the phone?  A fucking bill collector...

8. Do you like the person who sent this to you?  FOR SURE!

9. How old are you today?  59

10. Favorite drink?   Lime perrier & water with Stevia & 5 lemons

11. What is your favorite sport to watch? Dancing With the Stars...  Shut up, it is too a sport...  okay then ice skating.

12. Have you ever dyed your hair?  Used to bleach it blonde

13. Pets--  A Schnauzer & 2 cats

14. Favorite food- -- Italion & Chinese

15. What was the last movie you watched?   Running With Scissors

16  Favorite day of the year?  May 24th

17. What do you do to vent anger?  Write in my blog, SCREAM, drive fast

18. What was your favorite toy as a child?  Blue Bicycle

19. What is your favorite season?   Summer for sure, but Spring is always exciting!

21. Cherries or Blueberries?   Cherries..but I'd rather have frozen grapes

22. Do you want your friends to email you back?  It's always great to hear from friends

23. Who is most likely to respond?  Sassy

24. Who is least likely to respond? Weese

25. Living arrangements?   I nest with Doris!  Other than that, any ole layover hotel along live's path

26. When was the last time you cried?   Last night watching TV

27. What is on the floor of your closet?  a ton of shit

28. Who is the friend you have had the longest you are sendng this to?  Tina (6th grade)

29. What did you do last night? Watched America's Next Top Model finale

30. Favorite smells?  Red perfume, also Halston & Clinic Aromatics  plus FRESH mowed grass in the summertime

31. What inspires you?  Hard working people, Gospel Music

32. What are you afraid of?  Dying

33. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers?  I MISS CHEESBURGERS dammit.

34. Favorite dog breed?  POODLES

35. Number of keys on your key ring.  Would you believe 15???

36  How many years at your current job?  38 Long motherfuckin' years

37. Favorite day of the week?  Saturdays

38. Favorite holiday - Thanksgiving

39. Ever driven a Motorcycle or heavy machinery? Yep. 

40. Confident?  Generally, but sometimes shy.

Friday, December 01, 2006


Oh my Gosh,
   I just don't understand...
Why the hell are thing so great when we are NOT around her family???  Just wondering.  Because it fucks up EVERY holiday ever in the world.  Honestly... 

I am a romantic.  I USED to think holidays were always SO special & a great romantic sorta celebration between just 2 dykes.  And it used to be.  Until Doris & her ready-made dysfunctional family.  She just LOVES to be around them all.  Since I, myself came from crazy-ass family dysfunction, I never understood why people are always SO drawn to that insanity every year. 

And I always used to have SUCH romantic holidays with all my boyfriends in the past & then all my gilrfriends up until Doris.  In the beginning of our relationship, I mistakingly thought that Doris would eventually tire of all the family dynamics & be grateful to have special holidays with her Lover.  Boy was I wrong. 

It took a few years for ME to adjust, since she didn't.  I started taking pictures of all the family gatherings & finally  got into it by basically becoming the family historian.  Every Xmas I give them all 8X10 photo albums of the entire year & it's become quite a tradition. 

Actually, it will be invaluable after Doris, myself, & her Sister's die as all the memories will be recorded for the grans which will be all grown up, maybe with their own kids, continuing the whole nutcase process in their own way. 

Unfortunately this year I am broke & in debt, so I may not be able to do such grand Xmas presents...  I have not even gotten the film developed yet.

So far I have been so upset, that I am not even stressing over it yet, as I had just been trying to get thru the visitations/home invasions & feeling unappreciated by my dearest Love.  Guess these things will never change..  I just have to learn to live with it...  Blood is thicker than water & all that yada yada yada shit.

So to have had these days be so good, to have my old life back, to be shouted to "I LOVE YOU" down the asile in the middle of Target today gave me back some balance.  Yay!  She is so much fun when it is just us, together. 

But have no fear, the looser son is still around & will undoubtably be back...
However for the past week he's been off doing "his thing," whatever & whoever that is.  And it's been so much better!

In fact, it just occured to me that I passed my 26th anniversary clean & dry on Thanksgiving.  I had felt so much stress that  I could barely focus on staying sober & not picking up...  booze, drugs OR food!  So anyway, I made it another year!  Bravo for me.

BTW, I just can't believe all the blog entries I've missed over the past week...or 2 or three.  How is it possible that life goes on when I'm so miserable???  hah!  Just kidding.

So get a load of THIS......
I burned my damn hand & arm..
On a flight from Lax to Ewr..
Serving hot, greasy steaks,
I don't know what happened, there wasn't even any turbulence.
I had 2 entrees on my tray, on my way out of the galley & I banged into a wall (big spaz) & hot steaks fell all over me onto the floor, but the burning GREASE just seared into my skin, all over my apron & blouse, & it hurt like a motherfucker!! 
I immediately threw my whole arm into the ice drawer & kept it there for 15-20 min, called the #5 from the back to come up & help the other flight attendant while I tried to deal with the burns.
I went to a care center the next morning (it was around 0200am when I got home.)
The Dr. put some creme on it & wrapped my hand & arm as blisters had formed. 
I was then taken off my trip for that day (I was to have flown 4 days in a row.)
I go back on monday to get it checked. 
So meanwhile I am resting & getting well!
Hence, I finally had time to add a new blog entry.

Sorry about all the complaining.  I think my online journal has become as boring as some of the others I got tired of in the past!  Unfortunately my bitching may well continue thru the whole month of Dec, ARE YOU KIDDING??  How 'bout forever.  I guess I'll have to try (another) New Years resolution to be More Positive...  Next year.  grin.

Monday, November 27, 2006

oh whoa is me

Thank God I've now finally had 2 nights of sleep in a row, it's been shit.  The phone rings at any & all hours for the frickin' son.  I'm about to scream & WAS going to pick up an extra flight just to get my own hotel room for some rest.  Then D told me we were taking his children back home & he was going to stay with some friends a few days.  Thank the Lord.  I have been complaining constantly & Doris has been praying for strength to stand my complaining... as if there's been no reason for it.  She is perfectly happy to have him here.  (Stupid ass no birth control using ex het that she was.)  This 'child' (dumb fuck bastard) is 43.  She loves him.  His children whom he has never sent child support for & Maybe sees once a year (now 16 & 18) love & adore him.  Me,.. he doesn't amuse in the least. 

Well tomorrow is my last day off, after which  I'll be flying 4 days in a row. Normally I would NOT look forward to that.

Don't have to report how I overate like a maniac for "Thanksgiving."  I crammed down TWO heaping plates of delicious food faster than I could even imagine.  I KNOW I've put a lot of weight back on.  Dang.  You know, that's the problem when one is SO rigid & focused for months...  Once you take a bite of deleciousness off the "food plan" it's too hard to stop!  I SO miss the cheese & pasta & rolls & carbs.  (Ate all of it..)  And if I touch sugar, chocolate, ice cream, cakes & cookies (I DIDN'T!) then I'm off on a binge on that, too.  Good for me that I didn't cave in & grab all the desserts!  At least I can say that.  phew!

Tuesday, November 21, 2006


Oh Bummer.
It's started for real.
D's youngest son is here laying around the living room watching music videos.
I got in last night from flying & he informed me he'll be here till Dec 15th.  Great.
I've been working so hard, am flying out again today, have been looking to 5 days off for Thanksgiving, I'm SO tired.  But he'll be here. 

Hopefully I'll get a grip, for Doris' sake.  However, I don't see her giving much of a shit about my sake.  It's always about whatever they do, want, say , are.. is okay with her. 

I know myself.  This isn't going to be good.  Guess I'll have to pick up trips & fly back out.  It's not right.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

"THIS is the forest primeval. The murmuring pines and the hemmlocks..." Longfellow

God, I LOVE the smell of a forest, esp after a hard rain!
And it had been pouring here in NJ & PA all last week.  Luckily the sump pumps kept working & the basement didn't flood!

Doris finally drove me to the Poconos today!  It's rather late, I had been begging to go all last month for the changing of the leaves, but alas people died & D sings at funerals.  Plus she went to her Arts High School reunion in Newark, which I would never complain about as I always love mine in Texas. 

So as we drove up the narrow mountain at Worthington State Park, excess rain water was still pouring off jagged high rocks, thru the woods in random waterfalls down to the Delaware Water Gap. It sounded spectacular!   It's my most favorite place ever, although with the naked trees I barely recognized it.

Still, when I stepped out on the glistening leaves all over the ground & walked the trail into a favorite spot I call the Cathedral of Pines down by the water's edge, the smell was intoxicating!  The damp moss, the black earth, pine needles, crunching of the gravel mixed with tons of yellow & orange leaves, with a gentle breeze wafting thru, water trickling thru creekbeds with the rocks catching the sunlight and the peaceful river flowing by, - Oh My GOD!  I love nature! 

I drew a deep breath & let it out slowly thru perched lips.  I did it again, trying to center my head & being. 

Doris was being very loving.  No one would ever know that when I got home from my flight well after midnight last night that she would be such a bitch to me.  We started to argue of course about her son who had called collect to say he is coming & something I feel uncomfortable about concerning a grandson whom I love, but do not agree on what is happening.  She was SCREAMing at me & I was SCREAMing at her at the top of our lungs around 0200am in the still of the night.  I'm quite sure every neighbor on the block was awakened & heard it ALL.   Not good.  Really bad.  Pretty embarrassing.  We have never done that before.  Not so that the neighbors could hear.

This crap always happens when her children/grandchildren are in the picture.  If I ever disagree about anything, we get in a fight, as she rares her back like a mother lion to protect whatever dumb shit they might be doing or that might occur.  And the holidays are practically now, so here we go again. 

One might think I would learn from experience & just shut the fuck up, try to go with the flow.  But I get these visceral reactions to what I perceive as wrong &/or even possibly illegal at times.  We come from 2 really different worlds & extremes.  What she may consider survival I could easily consider potential for trouble. 

Yet, we've made it for 25 years together.  Sometimes I really don't know how.  I would like to think it is pure love.  But when these arguments happen, & they always seem to during holidays or around family, it becomes clear she will always put them before me & that my opinion means nothing.  I always feel betrayed or unloved.  I panic that we are coming apart & think we would both be happier with someone else. 

Yet when I'm away I can barely stand it without her.  That's one good thing about my job, it makes us appreciate each other in our absence.  So imagine my surprise when I returned home & she was immediately annoyed at me.  Like I was disturbing her peace.  She knew I would get upset when she told me her son was coming & her grandson was getting mail here as if he were living with her.  And I was upset.  And tired.  And she started saying what a drag I am & she couldn't stand me.  And I told her I couldn't stand her either.  We said we made each other sick.  And started hollering at the top of our lungs.  I thought why are we together?

I didn't sleep much.  And was surprised when she woke up saying get up Poochie & get dressed so we can leave.  I said are we going somewhere?  She smiled & said didn't you want to go to the Poconos?  She was very nice to me all day.  And I was nice to her.  Love won out.  Or so it seems.  It turned out to be a good Saturday after all.   A wonderful, relaxing Saturday.  Thank you God. 

Sometimes I really wonder if I am crazy.
Or just going that way.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Looking For "THE ONE"...pt5 Written 8/1/05

Edit Entry   Delete Entry

Looking For "The One"...Pt 5 

     Well, the next weekend I was back at  the Electric Circus, trolling for fine, bent babes.  I was wandering around the top tier that had a glass wall looking down on the dance floor.  I grabbed a grapefruit juice from the upstairs bar & then I spied HER on the other side of the room.  It was the woman on the carousel & wow, did she look beautiful!  I nonchalantly meandered over to her side.  Yikes, she was really tall!  And tough, yet elegant.

"Hi," I smiled brightly "wanna dance!?"


     She slipped me a glance through squinty eyes, then looked back at the glass wall, down toward the throbbing dancers. Dang, she was reserved & aloof.  She did Not seem interested.

"So you Dont want to dance?" I said lamely.

She gave me the once-over & said "come on," & down we went to join the thundering crowd.

    I  attempted starting a conversation while dancing away, trying to match my steps to hers.  But she didnt seem talkative. Her name was Doris & she lived in New Jersey.  (Oh, crap- the kiss of death to someone who wanted a City girlfriend.)  Plus just when Id get my steps going with hers,she'd change beats.  Gees Louise, she didnt seem much into partner dancing.  She worked at General Motors & made Cadillacs.  (oooh, I could just See her throwing those car doors & fenders around!)  Trying to get any info from her was like pulling teeth.  But we kept bouncing to the tunes, & I guess she could see I danced better than all the other white girls...  Not that she seemed to care.  Well this was odd. 


     I finally said, "What's the matter, havent you ever been with a white woman?"  To which she replied, "Not really.  But I do have white friends at work."  (Im thinking, Oh great.)

   "So lets meet here again tomorrow night," I boldly asked.

     Just then her friend comes & jerks her away saying "we gotta go..."  Im thinking rats!  Then she turns around & says, "I'll see you tomorrow night."


 I smiled broadly & waved goodbye.

     So, that's how it all began.  Doris & I kept meeting at the Dyke Clubs.  We'd call every now & then, but she still didnt say much.  I cant really tell you we developed a friendship, it was more like a close acquaintance.  I thought she was secretive, but it turned out she was quiet.  She was nice, but not too demonstrative.  She acted tuff, but she was sweet.  She was elegant with a butch edge.    She appeared to be a good woman, but something just didnt seem right. I didnt like her friends, the girls she hung out with. Some of them were people I wouldnt want to be around.  I dont know why I kept chasing after her ass, but I couldnt seem to stop.

     For one thing, Doris was 6 ft tall & magnificent.  She was a cross-between  Cicely Tyson & Nancy Wilson at the time.  Her face was just frickin' beautiful, & her lips were exquisite!  She had a lot of style & carried herself with class.  And she could Sing like Aretha & Patty!  Damn, I wanted her.  I was SO turned on!

     I never knew who was going to show up when I would go meet Doris.  She would dress in different costumes all the time.  There was the army sargent, the navy enlistee, the marine, the cowboy, the boxer, the cop, the mafia guy, the banker, the firefighter, superwoman, my Lord, the list went on!  And she looked great as all of them!  "Dont you ever dress regular," Id say??

     One 4th of July I was out with an ex-boyfriend, & my best gay friend & his lover having dinner.  When dropping the boys at their apt the ex takes out cocaine & chops it into lines & offers it to them.  I just sat there in the front seat of the car, passing the mirror back & forth but didnt take any.  I didnt think it would bother me, but I got annoyed.  Suddenly, I HAD to see Doris.  I had to be with her.

      After they left, I told my friend to drive me to the Village.  The fireworks were just starting as he dropped me off at 6th Ave & Washington St.  Honey, I jumped out & marched right into De Jevu', a club for black women only, looking for Doris.  I went to the DJ booth & asked Bobbie if D. was there tonight.  Her smile disappeared when she realized I wasnt there to see her, "the tall one with the hat on in the back," she mumbled. 

     Doris was coming of the dance floor, saw me & said "KATHY!" & gave me a big hug.  I told her I had to see her, I hope she didnt mind that I busted into the 'sister space.' (man, all those women acted pissed at me.)  She said she was so glad I did & we sat at the bar & talked for hours.  We decided we wanted to date for real, to be together.  I said "How long do you think we should wait to make love?"  She replied, "About two months."  I smiled.

     We walked outside for her to drive me home.  We reached Washington & McDougal St, across from Washington Square &  she kissed me on the corner there!  Our first kiss!  Boy, it was a wet one.  yikes.  The 4th of July fireworks were still going off!

     After that, I peddled my ass all over town trying to tighten up & worked out at the health club everyday, steamed about 50 different conditioners in my long hair each night & exercised in my hotel rooms on layovers just to become even more fabulous for our upcoming night together in two months!

     Well, we only made it to 2 weeks!  One night after leaving De Jevu' we stopped off at the Blue Note on 6th Ave & 4th St.  I said lets take a cab to my apt & come back to meet your friends later!  She agreed, but went up to the ladies room 1st.  I later found out she smoked a small joint because she was nervous being with her first white woman.

     I hailed a taxi & we zoomed uptown, ran up the steps & into my studio.  We started kissing as soon as we got in the door, & I led her over to my platform bed.  It was carpeted 4 ft off the floor in the corner, with big mirrors on the walls & a mirror on the ceiling.  A white silk bedspread was tucked around the king mattress with about 20 pink, fat pillows all around.  We threw ourselves down & finally began to share the bliss that we had wanted for so long.  What do you know, Doris turned out to be an expert at giving GREAT head!!!  This is the ONLY person Ive ever been able to come with everytime she went down on me!

     God, she was beautiful!  She was 11yrs older than me & a real Woman!  Her body was to die for, & her skin was SO Soft!  It was exciting, yet a little tense. It was Hot, yet a bit tempid.  It was liberating, but somewhat rigid. It was fun, yet awkward.  We were both scared, yet relived!  It was not perfect, but it was great!  Our fit was not exact, but damned if we didnt have some grande potential! 

     We got back to the club, somewhat disheveled & feeling glorious!  I was glowing again, & had never danced so loose.  Things felt different now.  I was hers & she was mine.  She was mature & I could count on her.

     That was July 17th, 1981. Happy Anniversary to us, 24 yrs later!  Life is GOOD & I Am BLESSED! 

     I would like to say our relationship was easy, but it has been a long intense road! I sent Doris a dozen white roses the day after our 1st encounter, & called to find out if they were delivered!  Another woman answered the phone.

"Who was THAT?"  I asked.

"Oh that was my daughter."  she said.

"WHAT???  You have a child?"

"Yes I have 3"  A 22yr son, an 18yr daughter, & a 16yr son.

"WWWHHHAAATTT?????  Why didnt you tell me?"  I said unbelivably.

"You never asked," she simply replied.

     I was shocked.  Back when I loved men, the weekends were always messed up because their children would come to visit.  With women, of course, the kids LIVED there everyday.  I used to be wild & uninhibited in the rack, & now I had to moan & groan quietly.  And not walk around nude.  And not grab & kiss their mother in front of them.  Jesus. 

     When Doris would go to work, her daughter & friends would smoke pot & when I asked them not to do this in front of me, her daughter said "This is my house, I can do what I want."  They would also eat food that I bought (being borderline diabetic) & it wouldnt be there when I returned from a flight. 

     Doris' ex girlfriend would just walk in the house, walk in the bedroom when we were in bed, & walk into her closet to "borrow" clothes to wear.

     Doris had NO Control over any of them, & really couldnt handle my bitching about it all.  When she moved to another apt, I thought great!  At least we'll be away from her ex, only to find out she moved to where her ex had just moved.

     I LEFT.  Yep, I bolted twice over the years.  I couldnt take all the bullshit insanity.  She went and brought me back each time.  I remember one night in particular.  We were in the bedroom.  Grown children were in the livingroom, each sleeping -or whatever- with their girlfriends/boyfriend.  It was riduclous & gross.  I had it, & left the bedroom, went & peed with the door opened, stepped butt naked over each couple on the floor or mattresses on my way to the kitchen, where I got a soda from the fridge, stood & drank it with the appliance light shining on my pale titts & ass while holding the door open, slammed it, then stepped back over the "sleeping" group, went back into the bedroom & closed the door.  

      Doriswas pissed, but they all stopped bringing their fuckees over shortly thereafter.  I would scream to Doris that it may be "normal" to her to have full grown men laying around in their fucking jockey shorts, but that it was totally destructive for a lesbian relationship.  If I wanted to have that, I could have stayed with men.

     The 'straw that broke the camel's back' was when her daughter got pregnant & had a baby.  So okay, the little bundle was precious, but her daughter was always "out" & leaving the child with Doris.  Id get in from a flight & she would put the baby in my arms & pass out from exhaustion after work.  I was drained too & needed her attention.  But a tiny newborn needs constant attention  & with our tedious jobs, we were just empty, tapped out.


     Now I was only into my 1st year being sober.  I was having a hard time dealing with such total, out-of-control insanity, let alone my own life problems.  Doris could only stick her head in the sand so as to Not deal with anything.  I finally said, "Doris, if you want to raise your granddaughter, I think you should.  But if I wanted a child I would have had my own."  To which she replied, "Ive spent my whole life sacrificing, sometimes working 3 jobs at a time trying to raise my children on my own. Im NOT going to raise their's."

     Shortly thereafter, the kids were out of the house & on their own.  And we were finally ALONE AT LAST!  It actually took about 4 or 5 years before we became deliriously happy.  I started going to AA meetings.  I had not gone into "the program" when I first put down drugs & booze.  It really helped, I started to feel more understood by others going thru similar problems.

     Then I went into Debtors Anonymous to clean up my bills.  After that came Survivors of Incest Anonymous, & from there I got a new, wonderful shrink who truly helped me to become a better person to Doris.  She helped me to become whole &  I actually owe my life to her.  I then started going to Co-dependants Anonymous, & then Sexual Compulsives Anonymous.  That is where I really got my life together, & Im sure Doris was relieved that I slowly stopped behaving like a sex addict & quit trying to wake her up for so much 'personal attention' all the time.  The only problem with that is eventually I needed Overeaters Anonymous...  & still do to this day.

     We started to build the life we wanted & were ecstatic when we were finally able to buy our own house about 10 years ago.  The children & grandchildren (there are 5 now) may come by during weekends, but nobody lives here but us, 2 cats & a dog!  Life has been wonderful & we know we have been truly blessed!

     Now, the only thing we have to adjust to is Doris being retired.  She is here every minute of the day & we can tend to get on each others nerves now.  (Well, more so than before.)  Believe me, it's an adjustment.  But Im not really worried.  After everything we've been thru for the past 24 years, this should be a peice of cake!

     Looking back, it's a miracle we've made it this far.  We are total opposites & it's taken a lot of hard work, patience & Love. I adore my splendid, sweet, beautiful woman, she is a true gift from God, Goddess, Universe.  I treasure & cherish our life together & there's no one else in the world I'd EVER want to be with.  It took many years, but I actually trust that she would not run around on me.  We spoil each other & take care of each other.  Im always SO proud to be with her & to this day I just crave to look at her exquisitely beautiful face.  I am the luckiest woman in the history of the universe & I thank God everyday!

     Life is GOOD.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Looking For "THE ONE"....Pt4 written 7/31/05

    written for The Lesbian



      Needless to say, the rest of my vacation was undeniably frenetic!  I was IN LOVE,  Judy surprised me, captured me, took me to a frantic, delirious high!  It was SO good to feel HAPPY again!  I walked around  with a natural, pink body blush, & not just in my cheeks!  I was floating on clouds.

     For Christmas I went down to 'The Hour Of Power' church in Garden Grove (Now known as the Crystal Cathedral..) & bought J. a Big, Gold Cross that said "God Loves You & So Do I."  She'd give me her car to drive when she went to work as a part time drug counselor, so Id go home to hang with my parents.

     We'd spend lazy nights together under the stars & have brunch at the beach!  New Year's Eve, we went to some California Dyke Bar, but we really just wanted to be back in bed at her apt, together alone.  Soon it was time to go back to work & NYC.  I vowed  to try to come see her on the weekends.

    But it wasnt all that easy carrying on a long distance relationship.  I was pretty junior in those days, & I could only hold the weekends off if I flew 4 days in a row.  That left flying half the day friday to lax to see my beloved, & flying half the day sunday back to jfk to cover my schedule on monday.  phew!  Saturday was the Only day I wasnt on a 727or a DC10.  It felt like I was spending my Whole Life on an airplane.  Talk about jet lag!

     To make matters worse, our lovemaking started to dry up.  Jude began to balk at 'performing on demand.'  Okay I can understand that, but gee wiz...  as far as I was concerned, Damn!  Time was of the essence!!!  I mean, we only had small windows of opportunity to be together before I had to leave again.  What was the problem??? 

     She was starting a project with Paula Prentiss & Dick Benjiman as a camera person, filming their new movie.  J. operated big video camera's & worked on films.  During her spare time she would work on writing her own script.

     The months started to drag on.  I was exhausted, killing myself flying my brains out 4 days in a row to get to my girlfriend, only to be told, "not tonight, Im not in the mood."  I tried to be reasonable, I tried to understand.  But I clearly became upset.  Our love had gone from Feast to Famine.

     What the FuCK????  We were only  months into the relationship & already She was never in the damn mood.  How much worse would this get in years to come?  What the Hell was going on here???  What was wrong with me?  What was wrong with HER???  What the Shit Happened??  Here was the Best, most Erotic Butch Id ever known just laying STILL by my side.  Week after week.  And I was bustin' my butt just to get to her.  FOR WHAT???  I was stymied.  I felt sad.

     And by the way, what the HELL was UP with White Girls & Sex & their fucking stubborn moods???  Nothing I any longer cared to deal with, that's for sure.  This was pissing me off.  It was aggravating.  


     Okay here was MY problem:  I was only a few months clean & dry.  I had no Way to escape the pain & sorrow of my past with substances anymore.  I HAD TO FUCK!!!  Sex would take me out of the torment & agony of withdrawal.  Great Sex would get me high again.  Constant Sex would make me forget about Wendy, Kay, Charlie, my Mother, -hell!- Everyone & Anything that had hurt me thru my life.

     J. needed space just to be & time to get turned on, with no expectations.  Im not sure what else because she did not feel free to articulate it.  What used to delight & amaze her about me was no longer even  in her memory .  And her aloofness on the subject was becoming a bore.    

     Okay, we both knew it was going downhill...  All the long distance phone calls in the world could not make up for withholding sexual intimacy.  Fuck that shit.  Long distance relationships didnt work for her.  We discussed that we were coming apart.  It was so soon, I was morosely disappointed.  It was all extremely bittersweet.  We were both good, beautiful women, we still loved each other, but it was just not  working.

     I was depressed & so was Jude.  Although we agreed we were over, we decided to take a car trip down the Pacific Coast Highway for a few days & make it a good ending.   We went thru Malibu, Santa Barbara, San Louis Obispo, Big Sur & ended up in Carmel!  We stayed at a wonderful cabin with a fireplace, by a pond.  We ended up making good, even passionate love, but it wasnt the same.

     Still, we had FUN, it was a wonderful way to say goodbye.  After driving back down the PCH, she dropped me off at the airport.  We hugged at the curb, tears were in our eyes.   I didnt want her to walk me to the gate, it was hard enough already.  I flew home to NY, & started working trips that gave me more time off .

       I began to start looking at other women at the Dyke Bars.  One night after coming in from a flight I went to the Electric Circus on 5th Ave & 15th St, which was run by a lesbian (AAL agent) during the night time.  Now THERE was a creative entrepreneur!...  But she smoked, so forget it. 

    I was dancing up a storm with all my disco friends & then I saw HER!  Across the floor, an attractive, older black woman was sitting side saddle on a carousel horse, holding on to the brass pole & surrounded by a harem of Brown Sugars!  She was dressed in a tan army uniform.  Yawning.  About to go to sleep.  Hmmm.  Interesting.  She looked kind of worn around the edges, but pretty enough.

     Well, never mind.  If she was that tired, SHE probably wasnt interested in sex Either.  I blew it off & continued dancing until I was numb, then hailed a cab home around 0300am.  Perhaps I would meet 'Carousel Lady' another night, if she came back.          

Friday, November 03, 2006

Looking For "THE ONE"...pt3 written 7/30/05

  Written for The Lesbian Lifestyle...


     Coming off of drugs is HARD.  I was a zombie.  Reality stunk.  I could only take it one minute, one hour, one day at a time.  yada yada yada YAWN.  I tried to sleep it off, so life wouldnt be so painful.  I wanted my lover back, my sweetbaby Wendy, my reason to breathe.  But that was not to be.  She had already set up house with Maria, the fucking receptionist.  The rage I felt was overwhelming.

     I was exhausted.  It was a effort to roll out of bed, an effort to pee, an effort to plod one foot after another.  But I had to try, I wasnt getting any younger & my life was a mess.  I felt like a royal fuckup & wanted drastically to improve.  I was trying with all my might & each day got a little better than the last.

     It wasnt the booze or coke that I missed, it was the pot.  I missed smoking dope.  If I were to be really honest, I still miss weed to this day.  I MISS POT.  Cant touch it, Wont touch it.  But definately miss it.

     I dont know how, but one day I started to notice the sun was shining.  The world seemed to be going by whether I took part in it or not.  Well, how rude was that?!  I'd better pay serious attention since I was choosing life instead of death. I had missed out on fun & actually had to focus in order to find a sense of humor again.

     If the fatigue deep in my soul would ever just give me a break, I could start to believe that maybe, just maybe life would be worth living once more.  Instead of praying for Wendy to come back, I began praying for Help& Grace, & the Will to go on to create my own destiny.  

     It was time for Christmas vacation & each December I went home to my parents in Los Angeles.  My mother was quite an unhappy woman, & we never got along. To stay clean & sober, & deal with her shit was a lot to ask for.

     I thought of calling an old best friend of K's that we had often hung out with.  I had always liked her & I knew she used to be into drugs & had kicked her habits.  I shyly rang to tell her I was now drug free, I was coming to town to visit the folks, & it would be difficult.  Could I call her for moral support?  Judy was happy to hear from me & said we definately  would have dinner one night.

     A few days later I buzzed her again to say what time I was leaving & how I was looking foward to talking with her.  She replied, "Oh Kathymae Im going to do much more than talk to you!" I blinked as I felt a palpitation deep in my chest.  huh?  What did she say???  Oh my God.  I giggled & ignored her, saying Id call after reaching my destination.

     It was always great to see Mother & Daddy at first!  For about 2 hours.  Then reality would bang me on the head like a rubber mallot & Id remember why I lived clear across the other side of the country. I had a most difficult mother, but that'sanother story.  I could only handle her in small doses.  It didnt take long before I started to feel claustrophobic in my own skin, unable to breathe & Desperate to Escape.  

     I called J. & begged her to please take me away from all this!  We laughed & joked, I took a deep breath & said " oh by the way we're just going for dinner, it's too soon after W. for me to even think about sex... I dont want to lead you on or anything."  She laughed at my modesty.  "Oh Kath, no pressure.  Dont even worry about it, what will be will be. I'll just be happy to see you."  Wow, that feltwarm.  Oh!  A feeling.  A Good feeling.

     I nervously opened the front door, hugged & kissed her hello as I introduced J. to my parents.  WoW!  She looked good!  Real good.  DAMN good.  Oh, dear.

     We talked as she drove me from Santa Ana to Hermosa Beach.  What a joy!  My first time driving all over LA with a dyke!  God, it was liberating!  Far from my NYC problems & cutting loose from my poor stodgie old parents, I felt free!  Oh my God it was fun,I was having Fun!  The hard work of recovery was paying off, I was starting to see a light at the end of a very long, murky tunnel.

     We drove to her apt bungalow a block from the beach.  The sun had gone down & fog had rolled in. The ocean smelled  fresh, but it was damp & cool with a slight December chill.  She gave me one of her black leather jackets to wear & she put one on as well.

     We walked around the corner to an East West restaurant.  The lights were dim & candles were flickering.  We began to really catch up on old times & the people we'd gone thru.  I have no idea what we said or what we ate.  I was on pins & needles, I couldnt even believe I was there with HER!

      I was mesmerized by her beauty & mystique...  The woman had ALways been Fine.  In the past I curiously watched her from a distance with all her different ladies, & I had stared at her close up when she & my 1st girlfriend K. would hang out as best friends.

     J was an enigma, & so fucking tough, SO FUCKing tough - yet beautiful.   She looked like Kate Jackson of Charlie's Angels & had the mystery of Greta Garbo.  She was as BUTCH as they come, but she was slick & gorgeous.  I tell you, the woman was FINE!

     So after dinner we walked down Main Street to the Hermosa Beach Pier.  Oh my God, the fog was lifting, the moon magically shining thru it.  Stars started to twinkle & waves softly lapped upon the shore.

     She put her arm around my waist as we strolled along the planks.  I put my head on her shoulder & we gazed upon the reflection of the moon across the ocean.  Her cheek went on my forehead & she kissed it gently.  We stood there & embraced, our hands sliding up & down our backs under our jackets.  I started to shiver & she said "Let's go back, you're getting cold."  We walked to her apt with our arms around each other, laughing & high on life! 

     Punk, her black cat greeted us at the door, it was good to get in from the dampness.  She turned on the TV & we sat on her bed.  I just relaxed in her arms & we laughed at Johnny Carson.  It was great.  No pressure, no expectations.  Just two grown women digging each other, sharing the joy.

     J. still had her arm around me.  I looked in her eyes, she raised my chin & kissed me deeply.  Our first kiss on the lips.  Oh God, she could kiss!  Really Good! We kissed & kissed.

     She moved her knee between my thighs & brought it up against me.  I started to burn. We Kissed some more, I dont know for how long. She slowly slid her body down my side, unbuttoning my white shirt, whispering in my ear, then lightly biting my neck.

     I arched my back bringing my breasts to her lips for awhile, then she pushed me underneath her.  I pulled my legs around hers & we started moving together.  Oh my God, we were a perfect fit!  It had never felt so right.

     My tight, tourquoise, courderoy jeans were soaked.  J. unzipped them & slid her hand inside my panties while she wasstill on top of me.  Her finger slipped inside & the thrill was beyond electric as she worked me over & I cried for joy.

     I started pulling off her jeans & we pealed everything from our bodies.  Naked at last the lovemaking continued to a fevered pitch!  My heart was pounding, my body exploding, I thought I had died & goneto heaven!  All thru the night, we did more & more.  Never had I ever known such exquisite sex!  The woman was a true artist, talented in teasing & pleasing beyond belief. 

     She finally fell asleep as the sun came up. I held her & stared at the ceiling with a huge smile.  This was my best night ever.  This was a blessed night.  I tried to sleep, but I was still too excited.  I closed my eyes & tried to doze off. 

     When J woke up a couple hours later, the Pointer Sisters were singing .... "Heaven must have sent you honey, to love only me..."  The song was perfect, exactly how I felt.  She was perfect, we were perfect together!  I had Hope! 

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Neato Stuff

Hi Y'all.
     I trust you're enjoying my chapters of Lesbiana angst in trying to fine Ms. Perfect.
Wait till Part 3...  It's the hottest one.  I'll put it up at midnight.  There are only 2 more after that.  Well, so far that is, Thank the Goddess! 

Just a few side notes from this week:

I've actually lost 51 lbs now AND I made Lifetime member.  Yeaaaaaaaaa!!!!  lt's a real miracle.  Now if I can just maintain forevermore...  A harder task than loosing, I'm realizing. 

I look better for sure!  I thought I'd be prettier, but I'm still old.  drat! 
At least I FEEL prettier.  And that count's for a lot!  Still got a spare tire, but I'm doing 200 sit ups & if this doesn't help, oh wellllllll!

Trying to be/stay healthy is not easy.  Shit.  I miss my food orgys...  you know...  sitting in bed all alone (I was on layovers in hotels) with all kinds of food galore spread out all over the matteress!  You know you're in trouble when you'd rather eat than fuck. 

Well those days are over, at least for now, one day at a time.  Thank you Jesus!

Last night Doris fell down four steps & hurt her toes.  We went to the hospital today, had xrays & an exam & toe wrap.  I think she's okay & they will call if her toes are broken or fractured.  She can walk.  And thank God it wasn't serious.  D is very accident-prone, but it's been a good while since we visited the hospital.  I know when ever we drive by there I always send up a little prayer of thanks that we aren't actually IN there!

As for me, I'm seeing a white light flash in the corner of my left eye for a week now.  I immediately went to the Eye Dr. & luckily it ISN'T a detatched retina & I'll be fine.  But I needed stronger glasses, which I'm waiting two weeks to get. It's SUCH a fucking scam that it costs SO much money for frames & progressive lenses.  So today I threw one of my hissy fits & got fitted for contacts.  It's amazing, I'm actually typing away here without having to wear readers!  But so far I don't see that well for distance.  Supposedly my eyes will adjust with time.    We'll see...  or not.  Luckily Doris was there to drive me home.  But right now, images on the big screen TV are a blur. 

A Church friend of Doris & her sisters has suddenly passed away.  She is 65 & had a huge asthma attack.  When she called 911, they couldn't understand her address, she must have been really gasping.  It's sad, she was great!  This weekend will be full of wakes & funerals.  Then I'll be flying out again on Sunday. 

But don't worry.  I'll keep posting my coming out chronicals for your reading enjoyment.  Ha!  It's good to be alive.

Looking For The One...Pt.2 repeat 7-28-05

Written for The Lesbian Lifestyle...
                                    7 28 05


     AAAAAfter a disasterous 1st foray into the World of Lesbiana, I doubled up on therapy sessions & flew extra trips to get the hell away from town.  It took me 4 months to jump back into the deep end & begin to troll the Women's Discos again.

     One night, back at "The Sahara" I saw adorable Wendy!  She was extremely striking! - Gorgeous in fact with a strong, young athletic body & a dazzeling smile for everyone.  SO cute, she looked like little Michael Jackson before all the surgery.


     W. was only 21yrs with high energy & I was 31yrs trying to pick up the pieces.  Never-the-less, when I had that 1st dance with her I felt Whole again.  We fit perfectly & she had divine rhythm, sexy burning rhythm!  Wow, I was smitten!  We started dating & soon she moved into my apt at 35 E 60th St. between Park & Madison.

     Well, I was delirious!  Finally, I found heaven!  I swear, life became everything I knew it could be, living with W. was wonderful.  We rode our bicycles all over town, we rollerskated in Central Park, we went dancing at least 2 times a week, we steamed out at the NY Health & Racquet Club, we sang in the Dignity NY choir, we'd order Chinese, take a blanket & picnic by "our lake" near the Central Park boat house, we went to Provincetown & had a great room on Commerce St. with a deck over-looking the ocean!  Sex was Hot, Sex was often, Sex was Fun!  Oh yeah, Love can fix it!  (Ashford &Simpson.)

     Since I was more established in my job as a Flight Attendant, I paid the rent & all thebills.  W. worked every day at a computer job but didnt make much.  She paid for us to eat out, which was a lot. I bought her presents from everywhere I traveled & everyplace around town, I wanted to give her the world.  

     One night at Dignity, W. leaned over & whispered "Let's write our own vows & get married!"  Now I hadnt wanted to get married when I was "straight," & I didnt feel the need to get married now.  But I DID want to make her happy.  So after dragging my heels a few weeks, she insisted I write my vows on my next 3day trip. I promised I would.

     It took me 3 hrs at my hotel room desk to write those words of promise.  Excited with my accomplishment I called W. & read them over the phone.  Complete silence.

"What's the matter honey, dont you like them?" 

"No, that was good."  More silence. 

"So what's wrong?" 

"I just want to talk to you when you come home."


     I flew the whole next day with a knot in my gutt.  As soon as I got to my hotel room in Phoenix that night I called her again.

"Tell me what's wrong." 

"No, I want to wait till I see you."  

"W. I cant stand it, please dont do this, tell me now." 

pause..."Im attracted to another woman."  


     I froze, ice cold.  All blood ran out of my body.  I started to shake in shock & disbelief.

"W. you told me to write wedding vows.."

  "I know, Im sorry."

  "You're Sorry???  Who is it?" 

 "It's the receptionistat my computer school." 

"Oh my God, you cant be serious?" 

"Im sorry.  I couldnt help it.  I tried not to want her." 

"But I love you, what about us??  I Love You, W...." 

"I know.  I'm sorry."

     We hung up the phone.  I was hysterical, I was going to be sick. I couldnt believe it, how could this be?  I thought she loved me.  She had me so convinced she was happy & we were forever.  I was awake all night crying, bawling, falling apart.

     I flew the next day in a dazed stupor, with the help of the other Flight Attendants who took up the slack when I would run to the galley & burst into tears over & over again. When I finally climbed the steps to my brownstone apt, I was morose.  I didnt land that night until after midnight, it was way late.  The City was quiet, the silence was deadening.  I opened the door... Home Alone....  I fell apart.  Her stuff was still everywhere around - everything I had given her.

But she was gone.

     One year of pure bliss.  Shot to hell.  One short year.  I had never know such happiness.  Now I never felt such grief.  I became listless.  I couldnt go on.  I fell deep into drugs & booze. I was in the dregs of depression.  There was no way up or out.  My shrink just shook her head.  I truly went crazy.  I even had a three-some with K. & her girlfriend she dumped me for.  They re-introduced cocaine into my life (I had already kicked that habit once before.)  I began to fuck indiscriminately, I tried to fuck other black women, but I couldnt, because I only wanted W.

     I fell deeper into every addiction I could do to try to numb the pain.  One night at the woman's disco "Manhattan", I started to feel like fainting.  Between the pot, the coke, the scotch & black russians, not to mention jetlag - I was going to keel over any minute.

     Luckily I didnt.  A friend drove me home.  She came inside & I could see her reflection in a mirror as I got her a drink. It was a look of disgust as she shook her head.  I felt embarrassment & shame.  I assured her I would be alright, & she left.

     Finally, alone again, Truly Alone.  I knew I had to get a grip.  Passing out was definately NOT cool. It was a wake-up call. No matter how bad or out of control I had been in the past, I WAS ALWAYS COOL.  I stopped cold turkey.  I never took another drink or drug again.   

     And as long as it took for me to get over W, I can honestly say I never even think about her today.  Never.  Of all the people in my past, she means the least to me.  I dont hate her or anything, in fact it'd be fine to run into her somewhere, someday.  I wish everybody Ive loved the best in life. 

     W's the one who got away.  I loved her too hard & too much.  She was like a lightning bolt in my life.  BANG!  And it was over.  Little baby lesbians will love you with all their heart & body & soul. Then they will see something across the room they havent had yet.  And off they go on a new adventure.

Goodbye, Adios. See ya later!  Capute, The End.


     It was a valuable lesson to learn.  No more little Chickie-poo's for me.  At least I now knew bliss with a Woman was possible.  I just had to focus on getting well and staying clean & dry.

     I had to get on with living!   

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

On Coming Out ....Looking For "The One" pt.1 A repeat from 7/26/05

  written for The Lesbian Lifestyle...



    Well, where to begin...  I was always attracted to both boys & girls when young.  I was addicted to "playing doctor" & prefered my little girlfriends. I knew something was "wrong" when we started growing up & they were no longer interested. I just couldnt understand it.


     When I got older, men were just ALWAYS around & they were SO EASY.  You get 'em up, you get 'em off.. nooo problem.  Women, on the other hand were very complicated & each one different with their own triggers that took a lot of time to glean!  As much as I loved them, I was damn lousy at it.. which of course is crap for one's morale.  I would just never make a good butch!...  not yet anyway.

     I had loved & lived with a lot of men in the past.  Sex was not what bothered me about them.  In fact it was all they seemed to be good for, & they made more money than most of us. It was their brains that pissed me off.  Their emotional development was like spit.  Impossible to trust, I always got hurt.  I do NOT share well.  "You're gona make me turn into a lesbian," Id tell the motherfucker's.

     Truth be told, I was just so damn curious.  And, I began to be desperately curious...  But Real Lesbians werent interested in women with men all around them.  (Consequently to what those conservative religious zealots think - we're not gona charge after all the straight girls in town, a Woman's Woman doesnt want - what some so crudely think of as - a man's toilet.)

     I would nervously go to the local dyke bar, The Duchess in Greenwich Village, & just sit on the barstools & look at my toes. I was shy, scared & too fancy in those days, nobody seemed interested.

     Finally I connected with bi-sexual women.  I would get crushes on them.  They were beautiful & tender & it was wonderful at last to get physically close to females!  But sooner or later they all seemed to want to bring me in to their male relationships, to want threesomes, to turn on their men.  blach!  I just wanted to be with only them.  I had my own boyfriend if I wanted a damn man.  It was too much.  And I knew something was missing, not right.

     One night I was at The Sahara, a fancy upscale east side lesbian bar, with a group of bi-women.  It was a Girls Night Out!  We were sitting around in a circle of white vinal chairs with silver arms & legs & short glass tables.  Of course we were all looking gorgeous, laughing & Loving the atmosphere!  And we were high.

     So along comes K.  She began flirting with everyone, particularly my girlfriend Lynn, a beautiful large-woman's model.  I was not so interested, she was not what I would be attracted to & I was cruising the room.  She tried to get me to talk, yeah I was from Texas like her, & even knew her sister from college.  Man, small world over there in New York City.

     The 3 of us went into the ladies room to smoke a joint.  (Okay, I was a druggie in those days, but I have 24 1/2 yrs clean & dry NOW.)  Lynn & K. were chatting up a storm, but I was just into the floor length mirror, toking weed & checking out my fine self (God, I was exquisite in those days!)  We left to climb the stairs to the disco room, when K. suddenly turned around midway, grabbed me, shook me & said "RESPOND TO ME."  huh? yeah, okay... whatever.   damn wierdo.

     The three of us began to dance on the crowded floor, & I was jumping around showing off my groove steps to the masses. Then suddenly the DJ slowed itdown & played "La VienRose" by Grace Jones (I'll Never forget it..)

     K. grabbed me & took me close to her, held me tight & Whoops There It Was!    Pelvis to pelvis, clit to clit, swaying, movin' & groovin'to that music.  OH MY GOD!!!  Never had I gone there!  Never had I felt that lightning bolt go thru me before!  I audibly gasped, "oh!" & fell back looking at her in disbelief.  Her eyes riveted into mine, smiling SLyly she said "What's the matter Sugar?"

     She pulled me back into her tightly, slowly leading me around the floor, swinging, swaying, never loosing contact with me down there, you know, rubbing,bumping to the slow, melodic beat..  She whispered in my ear, "You okay, Baby?"  I swear I melted right there, our bodies became one, every nerve felt electric, I was just gone.  And I became Hers.

     It took a week before she was able to come over to my apt in Chelsea, before we had real, lesbian nakedsex!!!  After thinking only of her on my flights, I could hardly wait till I saw her again!  It all seemed so perfect.  She lived with her girlfriend & I lived with my boyfriend.



     As soon as she got me in her clutches, she demanded I move in with her as she had unceremoniously moved her girlfriend out.  What??  I had nothing to do with THAT & it was shocking.  But, I had for So Long wanted to come out & be with a real Woman's Woman.  I felt guilty for hurting my wonderful boyfriend Doug but hell, he saw other women when I flew & on weekends when I would go to gay bars.  We had an understanding.  (After my previous boyfriend had crushed my heart to bits, I had told this one I was looking for a woman & I was done with men...)  So The 'Time Had Come', & altho' I wasnt sure -  it all seemed to be going Too fast.  She was getting Angry at my hesitation, which strangely made me feel she really wanted me.  I gave in & moved.

     Of course, it was not easy.  As soon as K. had gotten me over there in her 'clutches,' she suddenly didnt seem to be so interested in sex.  Not with me, anyway.  What was this???  What the HELL???  Why did she insist I move in if she didnt really want me?  She was so annoyed when I would reach for her in bed.  "Lesbians arent like men, Kathy they dont think about sex every minute.  Just go back to men if thats all you want."  Shit.  What a life, what a drag.  I so Much wanted to be a 'Real Lesbian' I stayed & kept trying & trying to be what she needed.

     Oh, by the way...  K was a big time Lesbian shrink, very well known in Greenwich Village.  As great as she was in her profession with others, she would often tell me I was wrong or crazy & follow with a long list of reasons why.  However, she was on lithium for depression & would go nuts constantly, literally screaming at me all the time.  She'd be nice, then she'd be mean.  She'd be great, then she'd be hidious.  She'd be happy, then she'd be crying for me to call her ex fucking girlfriend.  It seemed she was miserable & was determined to make me that way too.  I cried a lot.  I was totally insecure & confused. But I stuck by her, I really wanted to be the good girlfriend, I wanted to make her happy if that was at all possible.

     Then guess what happened.  She dumped me.  SHE dumped ME...  Ms. Bigtime psycho-therapist dropped me for one of her fucking (literally) CLIENTS.  Bitch.

     Of course, she swore this Person was no longer her client.  She supposedly had gotten her another shrink.  But I used to wait for K. at night after the group therapy sessions that she led was over, & this woman would always be walking out with the rest of the bunch.  Always.  Every week. Until the day I was "dismissed" from K.'s lair.   humph.  They may have fooled everyone else, but not me.  DEFinately NOT me.

    Oh & did I mention that K. had me start going to her own personal therapist about 2 months before she broke up with me???  And by the way, the new shrink her "ex-client" was now going to was the OTHER Dr. in the same damn office.  I thought I would loose my mind.

      After a year & a half of loving this demented nutcase I ended up in my own luny bin.  My head spinning, What the HELL happened???  What I thought would become ecstasy ended in a downward, spiriling abyss of insanity.  Looking back, it was the WORST relationship I ever had.  It was like living with my crazy-ass mother.  God, one of Those was more than enough.

     I tried to go back to men.  After all this, they seemed so uncomplicated.  But I did not want a man anymore.  One thing for sure:  If this coming out relationship with K. did not turn me off of women, then I knew for sure I really was a bonafide dyke.

     Now, almost 3 decades later Im not only a bonafide dyke, I am a happy dyke.  I finally know what it's like to be truly Loved & Cherished in spite of my flaws & imperfections.  But how I got from there to here is yet another story...  Actually a couple other stories....

     Incidentally, I see K. from time to time in the Women's Clubs.  It's always good to see her.  She still has a special place in my heart, no matter how bad our relationship together was.  After all, she was my first Woman's Woman.  She definately brought me out, for better or worse.  We all have that coming out story, & K. was mine.