Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Boring Blogs

Blogs are very personal & are a great tool in life's journey, as any therapist will tell us to start a journal to help get to feelings we might rather not find.  And I know I shouldn't judge, (just another character flaw) lest I be judged myself.  The truth is I'm sure my little bloggings could easily bring out the s n o r e in anyone, I am not that interesting.  That being said, I acknowledge that these next words are not kind.  Okay, I'm a bitch. 

I love my favorite bloggers, & most of you know who you are!  I generally comment on many of your entries, unless your blog doesn't allow me to - which there are a few of those around.  Not all of my favs are listed here on the right, I only list lesbians. 

And I won't even go into what I think of "straight men" who feel a need to comment on dyke blogs other than to say pa-fucking-thetic.  I'm done with helping hets understand gays, not to mention giving a fuck about what men think of anything I say.  At least not in blogland.  My personal het male friends email me.  (Yeah surprise, I have male friends.)

Okay, so here goes...  There is a list of about 50 blogs I try to get to whenever I have have time.  Which isn't that often if they're not my favorites.  I can't believe how some folks start a blog, but never write.  Maybe once a month or worse.  Clearly they have more of a life than me...  Although when they DO finally update, it is just so ho-hum, so probably not. 

Well there is this ONE blog, of course I won't mention the name, but jeeeeeeeeeese!!!  It is SOOOO FUCKING BOORING...  I don't know WHY I go back there about every 2 weeks just to check & see if she's added any more blathering...  which generaly she Doesn't. 

This woman is a Gdamn shrink, folks.  She is a fucking therapist.  And a social worker.  And a dyke.  I keep trying to give her a chance, but she drones on & on about dumb-ass crap that is just so trivial, I mean GAAAAA, what a BOOOOORRRRRIIIINNNNNGGGG brainfart dump of a no-blog mental vomit pile.  Christ! 

Somebody Help me!  I need an intervention to just delete this self-absorbed dumbass ninkempoop off my list.  I mean, shouldn't a shrink have SOMETHING interesting to add about her life's journey at least now & then?  And she supposedly helps people.  Well, maybe she does, but I can't imagine how boring THEY must be. 

Forfuckinggetit.  I'm disgusted.  Life is too short.

Monday, August 28, 2006

An Easy Weekend

I rarely get a whole weekend off, & often try to juggle my schedule with trips trades just to do so. Since Doris retired it's not such a panic to get ea weekend off, since everyday is a weekend for her, now.  However, it IS still great when I hold one off.  This weekend was going to be so great... but then it rained both days.  DRAT.  The last weekend of the summer & it's pouring at the Shore. 

So we went for brunch then went to a movie; Edelweiss which was fun.  The music & dancing were GREAT & there were some gorgeous black women, not to mention a cameo by Patti LaBelle!  (I LOVE PATTI !) 

Incidentally Dana Owens (Queen Latifa) was making a movie in the parking lot there.  This was in Newark.

A relaxing night in bed, watching TV followed.  And we stayed in bed till noon today!  Yea!! 

Finally got out & went for brunch.  Afterwards went to an open house around the corner from where we live.  It is a BIG french provencial that is beautiful & I SO wish wecould afford it.  But $835,000 is impossible not to mention the $8,000/yr taxes.  Damn.  I wish I were monetarily rich.  I would just love to buy it, take Doris there & hand her the keys!  Oh well.  Great fantasy, & it was fun to imagine living there together!  So much for that.

Went food shopping, came home & Doris cooked a delish chicken/spinach/sweet potato dinner. Yum, Girlfriend can cook!   Then we settled back in bed to watch The Emmy's for 4 hours.  Wow, those dresses look so pretty, but all that silicon; so many breast implants.  geesh. And those actresses have to be so skinny.  They must never eat.  Maybe it is easier if you are always around other people that never eat. They must have been SO starving during that show.  I must say that I was happy about 24 winning a lot, by the way!  I really dig that show. And it was fun seeing all 3 original Charlie's Angels together again.

Btw, on my last flight in I had Mimi Rogers & her family onboard.  She was really nice & very pretty, younger looking in person & thin.  She & her husband were really sweet, good parents to their children.  When she came up to the john, she told us that her 1st husband (Tom Cruise) was not crazy when she knew him, but that it was 15 yrs  ago when they were married.  She was just as nice as she could be, & seemed like a really kind person.

Going to read all my blog favorites, now.  And sleep; it's already past midnight...  Gotta fly out this evening so I'll see y'all wed. 


Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Slow Victory

Oh my GOSH!!!  Went to Weight Watchers today & I'm now up to loosing 49 lbs!!!

I just Can't believe it. If I can loose ONE MORE POUND, I'll make it to 50!! 

See, this is the thing, altho' I should be satisfied at 49 lbs it is still just not enough.  I like round numbers.  I'm going for 50.  I'm hoping it will only take one more week, but uhm, well it took forever to get off of 45 lbs to 46. Almost a month. 

I had a bit of a problem with post traumatic stress because of the fucking newest terrorist plots & honeychiles, I ATE.  It felt good to gorge.  Damn I miss that. 

However, I DO like the way I'm looking now that I got it back under to (so called) control. I'm starving tho'.  I have to admit.  sigh.  I could eat everything in sight & I'd still be starving. 

It's just that bottomless pit of wanting/needing comfort.  It takes over my psyche like poison ivy spreading like hot spilled grease.  OyeVey, such a deal...

I could eat a full meal & STILL feel that nawing sandpaper deep inside my gutt. Nothing can satisfy the hunger monster when I'm out of control with food.  So I feel like I'm starving, even when I'm not... 

When I lived in NYC there were great Overeater's Anomymous groups that were just for gays & lesbians, & also just for women.  When I moved to Jersey, unfortunately the few OA meetings around were co-ed, as it were. 

I went, but honestly just did not want to be bothered with men asking me out for coffee afterward.  Sure I always, easily said no, but fuck - it was a pain in the ass.  And I felt pissed there were no women's only meetings like the abundance offered in The City. 

So 10 years & a lot of pounds later I am grateful I Finally got my fat ass to Weight Watchers meetings.  And thank God, Goddess, Universe it is working for me.

Alleluia & Amen.

Now...  If I can just not eat too much on the plane tomorrow when I fly.  Perhaps I can maintain my current 2 lb weight loss for this week!  sigh.  Like all other addictions, one day at a time, Sweet (baby) (that's for you Elizabeth) Jesus. 

Lord, thanks for the strength!

I Love the Beach

Had Julie Newmar (the 1st Catwoman on Batman) onboard & she came up to talk to me in the galley!  She was really nice.  Had one of those "old fashioned" type of face lifts from 'back in the day' so in order to not be unkind, let me just say YIKES!!!!!  You can still see the old beauty, tho'.  And she's tall.  Skinny skinny skinny.  TeeNIney wrists.  Oh yeah, & a metal hip replacement that sets off the security alarms each time. She actually said she wanted to do my job when I watched the crew coming out to use the johns.  She said, I can do that job, I can watch them!!! I said, honey, you can Have THAT job!!!  We had a nice little chat, then she went back to her seat. 

So today when I finally got up, we went to the BEACH! again!!  YEA!!!!  Damn, I love that!  I just sit there on a boardwalk bench & totally zone out...  It is really a relaxing thing to do.  The waves crashing on the shore...  SUN!..  Blue skies..  Fleecy clouds..  tan sand...  a sweet breeze wafting about..  Seaguls diving here & there..  Folks lazily sauntering back & forth in various forms of undress...  kites flying..  single engine planes pulling banners advertising different places to go.., & on a tues, not too much noise !!  God, it's delightful!!  Now I'm ready to fall off the face of the earth into deep slumber.  Nitey night.

Friday, August 18, 2006

A Long-ass Meme

Well, here is a long-ass meme from Sassyfeme, who got it from Courtney.  I watched a few souls toiling to fill this out.  I finally decided to try.  Let me know if you write one, they're fun to read.

1. How tall are you barefoot?  5' '7"

2. Have you ever been cheated on? Uh, Yeahhh...

3. Do you own a gun?  No, never have I EVER owned a gun.  I have ALWAYS been against guns.  I am a pacifist.  But I have a lot of rage at a LOT of people, so it's good for them I don't have a gun.  However... Pilots now have guns..HELL, We are the ones who NEED the damn guns against terrorists in the cabins.  Pilots have bullet proof heavy metal doors up in that freakin' cockpit.  We have to stand there & gaurd pilots with our bodies behind a fucking bar cart when they come out to pee.  The company won't even let us have stun guns.  I am starting to feel the need for a gun.  Besides Syd (Adrenaline's Shadow) has 30 of the damn things.  hahahahahaha!

2.What do you think of hot dogs?   I LOVE hotdogs at summer BBQ's!  I Love the Hotdogs at Grey's Papaya on 6th Av & 8th St in NYC.  Addicted, actually.
Shut UP!  I KNOW they're nasty & bad for me.  When have I ever been addicted to anything good for me???

3. What's your favorite Christmas song?  Silent Night 

4. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?   Boiled skim milk with a decafinated tea bag in it & Stevia sweetner.  Stop going eeewww..  Just put skim milk in a big cup with a decaf tea bag & sweetner into a microwave, turn on for 4 minutes, Voila - Fabulous!

5. Do you do push-ups?  uh, NO.  Really should start.  I've lost 47 lbs now!

6. Have you ever done ecstasy?  Never.  Had it been around in my day, I probably would have.  POT was my drug of choice for a decade.  All day.  Also had a cocain habit twice...  Both very hard to stop. 
I've been clean & dry for 26yrs now.  Don't even do caffine.  Definately NOT as much fun at parties as I used to be!  There just comes a time when some of us just have to put down the stupid shit & grow the fuck up.  I had to do it sober.

7. Do you like Disney World? Only been to Disneyland in LA 3 times& LOVE it !!!

8. Do you like the rain?  Not really, but it smells good.  And nature needs it.

9. Do you own a knife?  Just my old Girl Scout Camp knife.

10. What do you smell like?  Red, Halston, Clinique Aromatics Elixer, & sometimes Patuoli oil depending on my mood.

11. Do you have A.D.D.?  sometimes I truly wonder...

12. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment. The beach was beautiful & peaceful today.  My Eyeballs itch.  Why am I ALWAYS so fucking horney I MEAN HUNGARY???
13. Name the last 3 things you have bought today. Baha Fresh Bare Burrito in a bowl, groceries, Revlon "Swoop" (it's melon color) nail polish.

14. Name five drinks you regularly drink. Hot decafinated Tea, Water, An Orangejuice/Banana/yogart smoothie ea day, lime Perrier, & tomato juice not necessarily in that order.  No more diet soda for me.

15. What time did you wake up today?  12noon.  But I went to sleep at 0400AM.

16. Can you spell?  Not very gud.

17. Current worries?  Terrorists.  No money.  Doris dying.  Me dying.  Loosing everything.  Loosing my mind.  The stupid war.  Soldiers dying.

18. Current hate ?  Mean asswipe mother fuckers.  Con artists.  Lazy bums.  George Bush & his supporters.  Liars.  Bullies.

19. Favorite place to be? HOME with Doris, preferably IN BED watching TV! (Preferably after Loving!)

20. Least favorite place to be?  Stuck around screaming children - all ages- on a plane or sitting in church all day.

21. Where do you want to go? .Camping in the Poconos, or Provincetown!

22. Do you own slippers?  No.  I like bare feet.

23. Where do you think you will be in 10 years?  In a house in the Country with lots of land & trees & a lake or river!  Maybe a mountain or two! 
Or riding thru America in a RV!!  Maybe both!!

24. Do you burn or tan?  Burn if Im not careful.  I've tried to stay out of the sun since I was 30.  It has really helped my complexion.
25. Yellow or blue?  Blue if those are the choices, but I like Purple, Pink & Black.

26. Would you give up your current life to be a pirate?  Hell no, that's stupid.

27. Last time your cell rang?  I only turn it on to make calls.

28. What songs do you sing in theshower?  None.  I like baths.

29. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?  My mother.  She was crazy.  It was sad.

30. How much cash do you have on you?  $14.00.

31. Last thing that made you laugh?  Doris at the beach when I was holding her hand & painting her nails, people were staring.  She said it would probably be okay with them if you were Asian.  (Doris is black.) (She said it, I didn't) 

32. Best bed sheets you had as a child?  Little pink flowers with green leaves.

33. Worst injury you've ever had?  My back goes out.

34. Where have you been out of US?  Canada, Mexico, New Zeland, Fiji, Hawaii - before it became a state, Barbados, Jamaca, Columbia..(during my drug years.)
I don't like to leave the US.

35. Who is your loudest friend?  Sometimes Doris.

36. Who is your most silent friend?  Sometimes Doris.

37. Does someone have a crush on you?  No.  I went to SCA (Sexual Compulsives Anonymous) decades ago to make sure I didn't flirt, act out or otherwise mess up the good thing I have. 

38. Do you wish on stars?  No. But I love to star gaze and stare at the moon.  I pray.

39. What song did you last hear?  Luther Vandross "A House is Not a Home..
When I Climb the Stairs & You're Not There..."

40. What song do you want played at your funeral?  "Just A Closer Walk With Thee" done real slow & groovey with hands clapping.  Then "Precious Lord" (Doris can really Belt this one,)  Then  a rousing rendition of"One Glad Morning When This Life Is Over, I'll Fly Away.....  "

41. What were you doing at 12:00 last night?  Climbing into bed after getting home from a hard flight, with frozen grapes to munch on, turning on my laptop to read all your blog entries!

42. First thought upon waking up this morning?  Oh Boy!  We're going to the BEACH!!!!

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

A Boring Eve

Layed in bed all day yesterday, watched soaps, Doris bbq'd chix & veggies, then we rode bikes & went to the Dairy Queen (for HER, not me!)  Then we drove around with the moon roof open at night trying to cool off!  It was pleasant.  Stayed up late on the computer.  I think D. is getting annoyed at all the time I stay on the computer now.  It IS another addiction I fear.  Hell yeah, it is!

Okay so if that wasn't a boring enough (albeit pleasant!) day, we went to a Democratic picnic tonight.  See, here's the thing, it was boring because I thought it'd be mainly gay people since it was being held at this big Victorian home of gay partners & their adopted children.  Been to lots of Democratic parties there.   Usually a huge queer contingent of our city attends.  Don't know WHERE they all were tonight.   

Instead, about 200 hets were there, maybe only 15 gays, maybe only 6 lesbians.  Damn.  Where the hell were the dykes???  Thank GOD they were all Democrats, at least they had that going.  (I seriously hate Schrub.)  

You know, straight people are okay when they are "tolerant" of Diversity...  It's just that ON MY FRICKIN' DAY OFF I don't want to spend time around them listening to their drivel about how liberal they are when I can't even marry my WOMAN of 25 mother fucking years.  I mean I'm 59, she's 70 for cryin' out loud.  At this rate we'll be 6ft under by the time homosexual marraige is fucking legalized here.  SHIT!!  Very frustrating.  Those Connecticut folks are SO damn lucky. 

Anyway, everyone was supposed to take a dish, which everyone did, there was tons of food.  So here is a brilliant clue if you don't feel like cooking or if you don't know how -like me & my new blogger friend Bent Fabric!... 

Get an aluminum pan & line it with Reynolds wrap.  Buy 2 orders of 20 honey dipped chicken wings from KFC.  Spread them out in the lined pan & bring the aluminum foil totally around it.  Warm in your oven just before going over & voila!!!  Instant "bring a dish" that everyone loves. 

That will be the only "cooking tip" I'll ever offer, ever.  We do it all the time & It always goes over fabulously.  We even tell folks we just stopped by KFC on the way over but they crack up & don't believe us.  hehe.  It's brilliant I tell ya!

Monday, August 14, 2006

One more time

Okay, I'm not going to mention this mess again after this last (hopefully!) time, not that I'm obcessed or anything.  Actually I think a bit of Post Traumatic Stress is kicking in for many of us in the biz.  I guess I should be used to the insanity of it all by now, but is that ever really possible? 

Sorta, it is.  You can go into a numb space & just carry on, business as usual. Uh, isn't this how multiple personalities are formed?  You can call my fabulous flight sky worker Felicia Flight Attendant!  Yeah, that is me.  (uh, not lately!)

Just got back from Lax, the trips to & from were just fine.  Great, actually!  Because if it's 'just fine' & no emergencies, then it's a WONderful flight!  This goes on for regular situations, as well as during times of high stress like NOW!

Flights are packed, loaded- people are not scared.  Call me crazy, but what are they nuts???  If I didn't have to work, I would definately be staying home although it is probably the safest time to fly with all the scrutiny security is giving everyone. I saw them take hand creme & lip gloss away from some woman who forgot & left them in her purse. 

Folks are checking their rollaboards & other suitcases so that they can have their make-up, shampoo & other necessities at their destinations.  Therefore, boarding is Great!!  Quick, no carry-on baggage.  It is a dream. 

Also folks are so nice again, like after 9/11, they are very kind & grateful that we are there to get them from one place to another. I always look at all of them as sparks from God in the beginning of each flight.  Usually it doesn't take long to forget that, once the demands & whining starts. Yesterday it was easier to keep it in my thoughts because psgrs remained polite & kind.

As we were coming in for a landing last night, I was thanking God, Goddess, Universe for giving me so much, including such a great job.  (I do this a lot, so it's part of a praying habit for getting me thru each trip.)  Then I caught myself & a small voice was saying , 'what are you NUTs??  This is insane!'  But I just as quickly blew that off, & remained grateful, happy & calm.

Go Felicia, go!

Man, was I glad to get home.

Friday, August 11, 2006

A New Trend

Well, I feel better now.  Nothing like a day at the beach to calm my nerves.  Not to mention, the current Alert Level is now down to orange  for domestic flights.  Oh what a relief, I just feel SO much better.  shit.

Can't write long today.  Gotta go CLEAN out my WHOLE suitcase from shampoo, ALL 10 hair conditioners, 5 perfumes (never know what my mood will be!), tooth paste, frizease, scalp gel, 2 DEODORANTS (peeU!) & liquid make ups including base, mascara, liquid liners, gloss, hmm wonder if we can take lipstick....  yikes just lovely.  Hell, I may not even NEED a suitcase.  I'll just throw a few things into a brown bag & call it a night.  May start a new trend.


Thursday, August 10, 2006

New Terrorist Plots

Okay, so last night I get in from my flight & write this whole blog entry about my job & how much I enjoy it. 

Ahem..  So good fucking morning to me.  I wake up & all shit has broken loose.  The current Alert Level is at the highest RED, airports are crazy with lines & delays, & no one can bring onboard liquids, cremes, toothpaste, gels, shampoos, many carryons will be in clear plastic bags.  Delays are long.

While Im grateful these plots are uncovered, it's OMFG scarey.  I'm sick to my stomach.  Im calling my girlfriends taking the LAX trips out today & telling them I love them.  If you don't have to fly, you are lucky.  Stay home & enjoy your life. 

Doris is taking me to the shore to sit on a boardwalk & breathe deeply. 

This Job

It is always HARD to leave home & go to work, esp since Doris is now retired & thus always here...  She always gets so sad when I have to go.  Then when I'm gone, I feel so guilty that she's lonely & I can't wait to get back to her.  I always call to let her know I'm thinking of her.  I really DO WISH I could retire, too.  I crave it.  But I'm only 59 & 3 yrs away from Early retirement, & I can't afford to stop now. 

On the other hand, I do often like the job, I often love the Flight Attendants I work with & if I don't, it's usually one trip I'm stuck with them - not like I'm stuck everyday in an office with the same old bitches & dickwads.  If I DO get stuck with a difficult worker for more than one trip, it would be for a month at the most, as we bid for different schedules each month. 

There are a lot of nice passengers in the world.  There are also some flaming idiots.  But I guess the same could be said about flight crews sometimes.  Usually FA's are Very Nice, helpful to each other & funny too!  And we can talk about all our problems, we all have a sympathetic ear & often times have similar issues because of the job. We're good for spilling our guts during a break & equally excellent at maintaining composure & carrying on professionally.

I LOVE hotel rooms.  I love to have my own space, my own bed - I sleep better away by myself, probably because I'm so pooped from work.  I always wish Doris was there with me, but am just as glad she's not because SHE would want to go out & about & I would be too damn tired from flying.  I also appreciate being able to fart stink bombs all alone without offending her or anyone else for that matter.  (grin*)

It's great to be able to make someone happy.  If I feel that Doris is not happy with me, we have fought & the same old shit is pissing us off, it is a relief to know I'm not a total failure when I go to work & can easily serve a drink, some snacks, smile & chat to make others content for a few hours. It certainly isn't all that hard.  And by the time I get back home in 2 or 3 days, Doris & I have a better appreciation for each other from missing & wanting to be side by side. 

Which brings me back to retirement.  Once D retired, it was VERY difficult to have her around here 24/7.  How bad would it be if I NEVER had a job to run off to that I could get away from the everyday spats & annoyances, not to mention the infuriating fights now & then???  I envision retirement to be Heaven, but would it be Hell as well? 

Seeing that I can not afford to retire at the moment, I guess that question is moot.  But it does go thru my mind whenever we have disagreement's we don't seem to be able to discuss.  When I mentioned how bored I was at that last church function, her remark was that I always find something to complain about.  And I am never satisfied.  Well maybe there is SOME truth to that, but the same could be said for her as well. 

One thing is for sure.  When I fly away I often end up thinking the arguments are just a 'piss in the bucket' & that the important thing is our relationship, our home & our Love. Then I just can't wait to get back.

Love is everything, certainly the most important thing!  As I look at Doris lying here by my side, sleeping peacefully with her cute little men's white undershirt on, & her newspapers strewn about, my heart jumps for joy!  She is beautiful, she is mine & I am hers.  I am really lucky & blessed!  Life is good.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

So Much For Sunday

There are 2 excellent TV preachers I love to watch Sunday morning.  The best, Joel Osteen is based in Houston.  He is fABULOUS & so funny.  In 30 short minutes he delivers a message so good that I always get a lot from his sermon!  It always amazes me that my own church reverend has to take hours with his sermons & I get so bored I don't even KNOW what the hell the message is by that time, nor do I care. 

The other minister is TD Jakes based in Dallas.  He is really dynamic & also so funny!  He also gets his message across in only 30 minutes.  Both these guys are exciting, even tho they have totally different styles. 

I USED to always tune into the Hour of Power with Robert Schuller but a few weeks ago he did a whole sermon about "certain interest groups" trying to change the definition of marriage. Fuck Him.  Now these other 2 guys may also be homophobic but since I don't know that yet, ignorance is bliss. 

I always have these show on while doing makeup & getting ready to go to church & sing in the choir with Doris.  Today, altho the main service & music was grand, there was an extra program afterwhich we all had dinner there.  The Sisters' can really cook, but seeing that Im trying to loose weight, no mac & cheese, biscuits, potato salad, gravy or rice for me.

Doris was in her Gospel singing glory, happily enjoying her sisters & all her church ladies, they are all very nice & over 70yrs.  I was SO DAMN BORED I thought I would just DIE.  Although I made myself useful & went around picking up all the trash & empty plates, I can ONLY take SO much of this. We didn't get home until 400pm.  The whole day shot to hell.

Call me a heathen, but I can get my 'praise on' JUST as much if not more, just hanging out in bed & watching my simple TV church!  I can tune in The Bobby Jones Gospel Show for wonderful singing as well. 

But I go to church to be with Doris, to share Praise & Worship with her, to share in this part of her life.  God is important in our lives, but lately I've been going less & she seems to be going more.  I hope it's not a sign of trouble in our relationship.  Next sunday I have a trip to fly.  I'll have an excuse for not going.  Phew! 

I'm a lot more Spiritual than I am religious.  I definitely need God, Goddess, Universe in my life.  It is the ONLY way I can keep myself from being totally negative & depressed everyday.  And it is how I've learned to pull myself out of the ruts of depression I can easily fall into.  Gospel music Really helps, but sitting in a church building all day doesn't do it.

Give me nature any day.  Perhaps a trip to the Poconos is due, Pine trees by the Delaware Water Gap!  Or at the very least, I need a beach!  Either shore.  The Pacific is prettier, but the Atlantic will do.  Maybe tomorrow!!!!? 

Friday, August 04, 2006

Ixnay On the Apesgray

Gotta write fast, have to fly out.

1st, you know that brilliant stupid frozen grape tip I was raving about last week?  Well I GAINED 1 LB FROM ALL THOSE GRAPES, DAMMIT TO HELL.  Fuck.  I was told 1 cup is 1 point, so eat only 20 for 2 points.  Man, I am SO annoyed.  I had been eating them by the 100's!  Thought I had found a real treat that I could eat as much as I wanted.  Once again, time to get the masking tape & just slap it on my mouth.  If it tastes great you'll gain weight.  Makes me crazy. I'm an idiot.

So You Think You Can Dance was great last night.  Mia was mean to those kids.  No wonder I dig her so much, she has a mean edge.  Reminds me of my mother, you can never please those types.  She was VERY nice on the plane.  She'd better be, because I can deal a bitch right back out if that's the way I'm treated. 

Gotta put on the war paint.  Time is fleeting. 

Wednesday, August 02, 2006


Phew, that was a close one!  Escaping depression ain't that easy!  I do think the (FUCKING) heat didn't help any, it really IS impossible to move in this kind of weather.  But hey, if it were the middle of winter with snow drifts blowing 10 ft high, & Doris & I had a fight, it'd be the same.

Relationships are hard, & when I feel hurt or betrayed I usually want to cut & run..  Or more to the point run & fuck - to feel wanted & appreciated.  Luckily I worked thru that behavior decades back & I would never do that now.

Besides if you dump the one you're with, the next will have just as much fucked up baggage.... maybe even more.  It could always be worse.  And I really doubt it could ever be better - unless we get better ourselves, which is not always possible & surely not easy.

I'm aware part of my problem is that my entire focus is on Doris, whereas her focus is split a hundred ways, between sisters, children, grandchildren & church.  But I LIKE just focusing on Doris. 

I think it's romantic, albeit ahhh, what was that psychological buzz word 10-15 yrs ago, oh hell I just can't think of it, but it's definitely not positive. Oh yeah, CO-DEPENDANT!  Well hell, I block THAT one out so easily I can't even remember what it's called!  However I do not wish to change that part of myself.  Obviously.

I'm thinking I'm so loyal, but I'm clearly just possessed!  (har har!) 

I want to acknowledge those who supported me during this last melancholy siege with their blog comments or by personal email.  Thank y'all!  It takes a village,.. hehe... to raise an inner child, let alone any child.