Venting

You know what? I'm pissed. (again.) I have this gay FA friend I love. He supposedly loves me too.

He posted a pic on fb of his left arm with his initials tatooed on his really big muscle. This is not a new tat. Everybody's seen it, it comes just below his tees & work shirt sleeves. So everyone's commenting on 'sexy' 'great guns' etc... I commented 'horney boy' because to my mind, why would he be posting this when we've seen it all over the neighborhood?

Well he gets totally offended. Sends me a cell text 'stop writing horney boy on my wall, I already deleted it once. It makes me look like a whore.'

OoooooKayyyy. Of all the crass shit I write & swear about on fb he gets ultra-sensitive about the word HORNEY??? Jesus Christ Almighty.
I text back 'okay, nobody thinks youre a whore, everybody loves you. So sorry.'

Then he puts a post up on fb how he's having a hard time as a buddist dealing with his non-buddist friends' inappropriate coments on his wall.

Huh??? We have all written so much worse on ea others walls. So everybody responded in with 'oh yeah', 'right on', 'you go boy' not even knowing what was said or by whom.

I texted back on my cell how 'sorry I am, I feel bad, it was not my intention to upset him so much, I love him & send him joy & peace.' He hasnt responded back. But it appears he has now erased/deleted that whole previously mentioned posting.

Shit almighty. fucking pissy faggot. He can just kiss my butt & suck my twat.
Asshole.

And a well... could it be he IS a fucking whore???
sheesh.

Who cares???
.

Stick A Fork In Me, Looks Like I'm Done

Hola Y'all little Honeys !

Life is odd these days. Can't walk well, - left heel bone spur feels like teetering on glass shards with each step. The right heel bone spur isn't much better.
Nice.
Wonder if it'll ever change.
Plantar fasciia seems to be better under each arch. BUT- the sharp burcitus ache in my right butt, down my right thigh is starting to throb again, guess I need another cortisone shot.

Therefore... I don't do much. Really can't.

I've become a blob. A BIG one. Over 200lbs. SHIT.
I need help. I hate the way I look now, BUT on the other hand...

I'm just SO happy to not have to be flying. I do miss the crazy nutcases I work with, the fun we have 35,000 ft up getting thru the days & nights, the good psgrs, & hob-nobing with the moviestars & other famous glitterati!

Truth be told, I'm in no shape to do all that work anymore. Hell I can barely get the fuck out of bed... in the afternoon... (big chortle!)

How the hell am I going to evacuate a plane hobbeling thru a fuselodge trying to push paniced psgrs out of the way to throw open an emergency exit ?

Not to mention - I always would work so hard & run drinks/dinner so fast, zooming around back & forth like a batt outa hell! And I mean speed-demon FAST!

Do you know how long it takes me to limp & inch along just to get to the next room,
or the JOHN?? seriously.

Sigh.

Doris was freaked in the beginning & thinking of trading me in on a new model. But now she sees it's not all in my mind so maybe she'll try to hang in there a while longer. (If she want's to keep breathing, HA!)

I never thought my body would rebel like this, I should have been more careful...
I shouldn't have pushed myself to be such a high-time flyer at this age,
pushing for that almighty over-time just to try and make the same paycheck that management took away from us after 9/11 in order to "avoid bankruptcy." Mother Fuckers.

So it would appear that the writing's on the wall girls & boys... Not sure how long or how soon. I love my Flight Attendants, we are truly a bazaar & crazy lot. So much FUN & laughter.

Those of you on FB have kept me in the loop the past 6 months & given me the Big Laughs & Love. So I am sending this to you 1st, you can start, I mean continue spreading the rumours to the rest of Club EWR...

And I'll let you guys be the 1st to know whether I can last 6 more months or only 2 or 3. or maybe 4.. I want to heal & get better. But I seriously doubt I'll be well enough to come back... Okay don't everybody start jumping up & down screaming immediately!!!

love youse. xxoo
Kath

VD !

It's Veterans Day!
I am grateful for all you Vets that worked so hard for our freedom & democracy. I salute you all!

Oh No, I'm Mad..

I got really pissed off this week when I saw Joel Osteen, who I've ALWAYS loved since the moment I discovered him on tV sunday mornings with his positive & loving, upbeat 30 minute sermons...

Whoppie asked him point blank what did he think about homosexuality, is he really all love to all people. He answered some stupidass damn thing about he loved everybody, that gay people are so much fun, but he feels that they are not living Jesus' Best.. that Jesus' best has so much more for them ... or some bullshit crap answer.

I felt so irrate that I immediately FORGOT how the hell he answered, but honey she got him- called him out point blank & asked the question WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT GAYS, HOW DO THEY FIT INTO YOUR BELIEFS ARE YOU REALLY ALL THAT??? And he had to answer "I am full of shit..."

No that's not what he said but it is what it IS.

I really had faith that he was not like all the rest of the 'Christian TV evangelists' I'd dug for years that had let me down considering Homosexuality a sin... Robert Schueller, Joyce Meyer, & let me not start with the Black ones I dig... all of them with the best, positive, upbeat 30 minute messages so you dont have to sit through hours of screaming church services... and now joel osteen too. I'm not capitalizing any of their names anymore.

I feel like emailing him 'HOW DARE HE, that HE's the one not living Jesus' best because he is clinging to this lie.'

What is WITH all these fucking-ass pastors?? I just don't get it. Seriously.

I can think of Many ways I don't 'live Jesus' best' - I'm lazy, I hoard, I overeat & am a food addict- among other addictions which I HAVE managed to conquere, I judge, I hate, I swear, I'm jealous & I covet... But loving & honoring my beautiful woman for 28 years is not "NOT living Jesus' best."

They can all just kiss my fat, puckered aging pissed-off ass.
.

A Big Lesson To Learn

I can't believe so much time has gone by since I last posted. I've been held hostage by facebook. My Flight Attendant friends (who are NOT privey to this blog, btw) joke about how I'm on fb every minute of the day. Well it's their fault cause they make me laugh so much & who wouldn't like that??? We're a crazy lot, & often only WE can understand our mania. I miss them, but not so much the work.

I also miss flying with the stars. Tried making a list of all I've met on fb in the notes section & erased the whole thing TWICE. Guess I'll start it with an actual pen & paper. How quaint. Gotta begin writing them all down before I forget who they were... which oh well, too late - I already have...

So here are bullet points to begin my review, not in any kind of order...

Still on sick leave for burcitus & hip pain , which is coming back as the cortisone shots are already wearing off. Also my feet are wrapped up for plantar fasciitis in arches & bone spurs in both heels. I'm hobbeling. It's all made worse from 50 lbs I've put on from not being able to exercise, & well basically eating anything I want.

It's shameful & I'm extremely embarassed when I pass a mirror & see my butt high-up on my back & feel my gut laying in my lap under my giant 38DD boobs when seated.. Good God WHAT have I done to myself. I should know better, & I'm so irresponsible for fucking myself up physically so royally. So ashamed.

D & I went to a funeral in Delaware of her good friend who finally succumed to Lou Gerrigs Disease. She was a prisoner in her body which had totally broken down - couldn't swallow, eat, talk, walk, type & drooled constantly. She was SO miserable. She was 61. She helped raise D's 3 children while they were partners for 6 yrs, decades ago.

I never cared for her much, actually couldn't stand things that she did which were often illegal & fucked up. I had worked hard on myself thru the years trying to be a better person & one thing I felt strongly about was 'do NOT hang around others that do fucked up shit...'.. I wont mention examples here there's no reason to now...

But she did eventually meet a great woman to make a good life with & who helped her get better, & she become excellent in many ways.

She/they adopted & fostered many children who LOVED her. They were all there at the funeral grieving her loss. Her forte' was nurturing each of them & obviously they adored her for it! She has done more with her life for that than I'll ever do with mine... Big lesson for Ms Judgemental Me.

I learned a lot from that & was finally able to respect her, no matter how I'd felt about her bs in the past. My lesson is that no matter what I think about people, they can still grow to do great things & be of wonderful service to others. Imagine that!

I have also learned this from D's pusshead brother who was not such a great prize in my estimation. Now he is helping many elders in the church & has become a good 'pillar of society', even tho' I totally observed him screwing his mother, father & sisters in the past. I enjoy being around him now, but I can't forget the pain he caused those I loved. Guess I'll have to get over it, as everyone else has & they are all just so happy to have him back in their lives.

Went out to a lesbian/gay party for halloween, was a Witch (obviously don't need Halloween for that!), D was Sherlock Holmes & carried a big magnifying glass. so adorable. Couldn't wait to get home & watch Monk at midnight. My God, I have become SUCH an OLD FART... Hope D stays around because there doesn't seem to be much I can to to even WANT to change... I'm tired from all the hard work from the past 41 years & feel a big need to just relax & do NOTHING.

Oh which brings me to the most important landmark... Started my 42nd year with my airline on Oct 24th. Wow. So glad I'm still alive, albeit limping along at the moment! I'm SO grateful for all the blessings God, Goddess, Universe has bestowed upon me thruout these long, often tedious, magical years! Thankyou Jesus!

.

I Love Facebook

Well it's official.
I like Face Book better than blogging.
Damn.
Who woulda thunk it???
I have loved blogging for years.
hmmm. What the hell?

First, fb was just for my family & cool lesbians. It was great keeping up with all the grandkids & also my star dykes on fb!
I listed myself as KMae Bee. B is the 1st initial of my last name.

But then I started missing my Flight Attendant friends since Ive been on sick leave for so long. I started picking my favorites to be fb friends. So I changed my KMae Bee to my real name so they'd know who the hell I was. (None of them are on my bloglist...nope.)

And now the majority on my fb are FA's. Some I dont care that much for are asking to be friends. Not sure what to do about that.

The next dilema is since my real name is down there now, so many people from my high school are asking to be friends. I Definitely do not want to accept them. We already have a high school website we all write on.

As much as I care for many of them & see them each reunion, most are fucking dumbass republicans (Im from Texas) & I have no tolerance for their racism & homophobia.

Actually I stopped following some blog friends because I was so turned off that they were supposedly gay republicans. I was Pissed. Dickwad brains. Anyone voting republican does not support MY gay rights..

Of course I know I dont have to accept any friends on fb. But I dont want to hurt peoples feelings either.

So I am trying to figure it out. But I do love fb, its quick & SO funny. Thats the best part. Its addicting. I think I am starting to get carpal tunnel from staying on so long each day. I sure as hell dont get much else done!

Somebody Help me!
.

Life Is Good

I can relax now.
Airline Medical called & said after reading my Dr's latest note, I was okayed for 3 more month's time off (till Dec 9!) Okay, now I can breathe again. Phew!

It's not till Dec 31st like my Dr. said, but maybe I'll be better by then anyway. At least I have a chance of Managment not harrassing me. Have mercy! sigh..

I took off my watch. Screw it.
Time schmime.
Won't have to sign into work for awhile now.
Alleluia, Thank ya Jesus!
And Glory to God, Goddess, Uniiverse!!!! In. The. HIGHEST.

Yep, I'm happy.

Doris & I had Baja Fresh Chicken Burritos & Chix Tostada Salad out on the veranda tonight! (uhm.... kitchen door patio.)
YumFuckingOla!!! Or ole' as the case may be.
Beeeaaallllcccchhh! burp!

It was SO great to have such beautiful weather again!

.

9/11 eight yrs later

So. It comes back every year. On TV, radio, in papers for the entire day. God, it is a constant, 24 hr rememberance of the shock, terror & insane horror from the worst day of so many New Yorkers & other Americans.

For Flight Attendants - we'll never forget. All of us handle it differently in our lives, but make no mistake - it is always there in the back of our minds the minute we step foot in any airport or on every plane systemwide.

Of course this is all subconscious because who in their right mind (& I use the term lightly for many of us -ha!) would be able to obcess upon it every minute of the day & fly as often as we do?

We are brave survivors & professionals; sometimes it can seem to us that we're professional survivors with some of the passengers we have to deal with & flights that go on forever & last all day...

Speaking personally for myself the long hours, the hard work, all the passenger conversation, & sharing the work load with so many wonderful Flight Attendants get me thru my days & any post traumatic stress that could easily jump to the front of my cranium.. Because if I were to be honest, - that too (pts) - is always hanging in the back of my mind - like a thug lurking in the shadows ready to jump out to bash my brain & destroy my peace.

What A Relief!

So.
I've been moaping around for a few days because I had this Dr's appointment today with my orthopedist & I was SO afraid I would have to go back to work. I had 2 shots & the last one helped SO much I could actually walk again without such a limp.

A month has gone by & now the check up to see if I was okay to fly again. Since I was SO much better than I've been for 3 1/2 months I was afraid he was tired of me & would send me back.

But I still have pain when walking up stairs & walking on hard floors (like a mall) or around the block & in trying to do some exercises... I know I am clearly not good enough to go back, & am afraid my hip will go out again, back to the crippling, searing pain if I go too soon.

I was doing physical therapy 3 x week for 2 months, but I can no longer afford it anymore & owe them $400 plus. It really didnt help that much from what I could tell. The ONLY thing that worked was that 2nd shot! Thank GOD.

Deep breath...

He walked back in the room & gave me a slip to stay out till 12/31st.
Can You Fucking Believe It??? Thank you Jesus! I am so relieved. He said I am still way too weak (yeah that happens when youre in pain & dont move much..) I have bursitus & tendonitus... It is not an easy fix.

I'm very grateful to have enough sick hours left that I can do this. Altho' I've had so much time off - I've never had a summer go bye so fast. I just do not know what happened or where the time went. I don't get it. I was here every minute...
.

Another Lazy Day in Paradise- (HOME...)

I truly appreciate being home.
It's certainly nothing fancy,
but It's comfortable here.
And I love it because it's ours.
Even tho' it's falling down around our ears
& we can't afford to fix it...
It's still wonderful because it's just us here.
And Boo Boo the cat.

Today I slept until NOON in the pouring rain!
It was luxurious.
Then started fb'ing & tweeting & reading blogs.
I really am lazy.
Fuck it, I deserve it -
I've worked hard for decades
and I'm TIRED!

Then what do you know?
Bound came on the Logo channel!
Jennifer Tilly (such an ultimate fem) &
Gina Gershon (the sexiest BUTCH in this movie)
drive me CRAZY together!!!
My GOD they're SO steamy & slivering,
just juicy & ripe!

I had Ms Gershon on a flight a couple of times!
(Damn...her Lips are amazing!)
I asked her how she knew
how to be such a good Lesbian in Bound?
She said it was just acting like a man.
Uhhh, no you acted better
than any man ever could!
She said well,
thank you so very much.

Oh Honey,
you are SO very welcome.

Thank YOU!!!
.

A New Meme from Ann

1. What is your occupation right now?
Flight Attendant 41yrs

2 What color are your socks right now?
bare feet - yea!

3. What are you listening to right now?
One Life To Live

4. What was the last thing that you ate?
3 egg whites

5. Can you drive a stick shift? If I have to
sure!- my 1st car- 63 Corvair convertable!

6. Last person you spoke to on the phone?
Doris' sister

7 Do you like the person who sent this to you?
We were in High Schoool & Girl Scouts but became good friends later in life, YES!

8. How old are you today?
62 & 3 mos

9. What is your favorite sport to watch on TV?
superbowl

10. What is your favorite drink?
diet coke

11. Have you ever dyed your hair?
bleached starting in the 8th grade & now use a brown glaze

12. favorite food?
spaghetti & meat sauce

13. What is the last movie you watched?
some Johnny Depp gangster picture

14. Favorite day of the year?
5/24th my birthday

15. How do you vent anger?
yell at D. & write in blog

16. What was your favorite toy as a child?
bicycle

17. What is your favorite season?
summer well, anything but winter

18. Cherries or Blueberries?
neither Blackberry- wish I had one!

Do you want your friends to e-mail you back?
yes

20. Who is the most likely to respond?
?

21. Who is least likely to respond?
?

22. Living arrangements?
Doris 28yrs

23. When was the last time you cried?
It's been awhile since I started zoloft! Yea!

24 What's on the floor of your closet?
oh please, I have more than closets, I have a very messy Room full of clothes!

25 Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending to?
not sending

26. What did you do last night ?
facebook & twitter & tv...

27 What are most afraid of?
loosing Doris & getting fired before retiring

29 Spicy or cheese hamburgers?
Cheese burgers!

29. favorite dog breed?
poodle

30 favorite day of the week?
saturday

31. How many states have you lived in?
Texas, California, NYC, New Jersey

32 PEARLS OR DIAMONDS
diamonds

33 What is your favorite flower
Purple Iris

34 What drives you crazy?
Loud, obnoxious people
.

Back On Line!!!

I am SO happy to have my computer back & working!!!
Thank GOD, I was so going thru withdrawal. I missed Facebook the most, strangely enough. It really is a neat way to keep up with folks! They seem to write there more than in their blogs.

ALL the people at the Mac store were SO very kind & helpful. I had to go back twice. Those geniuses are brilliant!
I am grateful.

Doris...not so much. Ha!

Meme From Deborah on fb

1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
MORTGAGE

2. Do you miss being a child?
ONLY THE MONEY,,,,,I was privileged & too miserable to know it.

3. Chore you hate the most?
HOUSEWORK - DISHES

4. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?
OUTSIDE - DORIS GRILLED!

5. If you could go back and change one thing what would it be?
I WOULD NOT DO DRUGS OR BOOZE.

6. Name of your first grade teacher?
1ST MISS SMITH
2ND MISS JONES
3RD MRS ALEXANDER
4TH MRS FULLER
5TH MISS LANDRUM
6TH MRS HALFORD

7.What do you really want to be doing right now?
FINDING MY ZEN AT THE SHORE!

8. What did you want to be when you grew up?
DANCING ON BROADWAY

9. How many colleges did you attend?
ONE

10.Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now?
SLEEVELESS COTTON UNDERSHIRT CAC BROKEN
SWELTERING!

11. What are your thoughts on gas prices?
FUCKING STUPID

12.First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
DORIS IS MY ALARM, SHE'S DAMN NOISY

13. Last thought before going to sleep last night?
DAMN I WISH I COULD STOP FARTING

14. What famous person would you like to have dinner with?
JESUS

15. Have you ever crashed your vehicle?
NO THANK GOD, GODDESS, UNIVERSE! AND ANGELS.

16. If you didn’t have to work, would you volunteer?
MAYBE

17. Get up early or sleep in?
SLEEP IN ALWAYS!

18. What is your favorite cartoon character?
BULLWINKLE

19. Favorite thing to do at night with a guy/girl?
LOVE HER

20. When did you first start feeling old?
MID 50's

21. Favorite lunch meat?
HONEY MESQUITE TURKEY WITH SWISS

22. What do you get every time you go into Wal-Mart?
TEE SHIRTS, COSMETICS, VITAMINS, CD's,
MILK, FABULOUS BEAD BRACLETS-HA!
SO MUCH SHIT. LOVE WALMART, DONT CARE IF YOU DISAPROVE.

23. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
OF COURSE NOT, BUT SHOULD BE LEGAL FOR SAME SEX

24. Favorite movie you wouldn’t want anyone to find out about?
BIRD CAGE cracks me up every time!

25. What’s your favorite drink?
DIET COKE, WISH I COULD STOP AGAIN.

26. Who from high school would you like to run in to?
TINA TINA TINA TINA! STILL LOVE HER! (PLATONIC ONLY YOU FOOLS)

27. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now?
EITHER WBLS OR KISS, I SWITCH

28. Sopranos or Desperate Housewives?
SOPRANOS MISS IT BAD.

29. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back?
CHARLIE 7yrs of misery asswipemotherfucker RIP cocksucker

30. Do you like the person that sits directly across from you at work
FLIGHT ATTENDANTS DON'T SIT MUCH

31. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purposes?
YEP - PUTTING OUT A FIRE IN LAVORATORY A ON A 727

32. Last book you finished reading?
TORI SPELLING

33. Do you have a teddy bear?
TONS OF EM

34. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?
OUTSIDE CAMP IN THE POCONOS

35. Do you go to church?
SOMETIMES- I'VE CUT BACK.

36. How old are you?
62.... YEP YEP... creak creak!

• • 
    

omg HELP what do I do???

Fuck. Im shitting... This is a wierd problem I didn't know I'd have.

Okay first let me say I swear all the time. Whatever. Many don't like it, I don't really give a shit , but I do try to tone it down when it's too inappropriate such as like IN CHURCH if I go, or around passengers, or uptight diptwits... They say you can always tell a Flight Attendant that doesn't have children because we cuss like sailors. Plus I've been around the block a few million times & not a lot shocks me.

So now here's the thing... Getting on facebook, I am finding all the grandkids & neices/nephews. It's been real neat! But we all have this *star* niece who I've watched grow up since she was born, the smartest, SWEETEST child that can do no wrong. She graduated high school this year & is going to college & is just the most popular, busy, beautiful, adorable kid! An perfect little angel!

I just found her & got on her FB. It is shooting her & all her friends conversations onto my facebook. OMG. This kid must have multiple personalities. She & her friends are all bantering back & forth with the words 'niggah' 'faggot' 'buttfucker' (well that one's funny, hah) but my point is some of these words I would NEVER say, much less write & I do take offense as I'm sure others who read my fb would, (Doris & her sister (this girl's grandmother) would DIE) & I don't know what to do.

Now I know this huge group of kids are having a wonderful time & it's none of my business how they speak to ea other & I'm not about to say to her dont use those words as she a fucking valdictorian for crise sakes so she already knows right from wrong.

So here's my question - is there anyway I can be on her fb & read it but not have HERs on mine? I don't want to subject my fb "friends" to that crap. What can I do short of just cancelling her as a fb friend?

I really don't think I'm over reacting here.

By George, I think I've Got It!

Well, here's the thing...
I've about conquered Twitter & Facebook. It's taken about 5 days - thanks to all who held my hand thruout the ordeal! ha!

I have a mac that I can take pictures on sitting here about a foot away. I figured out how to post these pics. Still don't know how to get pics from my camera into the computer. But anyway I put a bunch of pics up on fb. So if you're inclined...
my facebook handle... KMae Bee.
my twitter name KMaaee (KMae was already taken, how RUDE!)

I'm trying to learn how to just stay home, amuse myself, (Other than watching TV all day) (Which we all know my lazy ass can easily do!) & not go out to spend a lot of money I don't have. Doris is SO annoyed I've spent so much time on the computer because no one can call her. She should be grateful the bill collectors can't get thru!

Anyway, I posted 2 pics of her on fb. She's purty. grin.
She would be mad if she knew. shhhhhh.
Dont ask dont tell.
.

sleeping sickness

Yikes, I just woke up & already I need a nap.
Geese, what's up with that??

LaaaaaaZeeeee.

Phew!

Okay, it's back to normal now.

I called BCBS & dealt with insurance problems.
I went to the bank.
I payed the mortgage.
I got some lunch & watched 2 soaps.
THEN...
I mowed the lawn.
I vacumed & straightened the kitchen & livingroom.

I jumped in & out of the pool (above ground) to cool off every 15 minutes then went back to cleaning. You see, the airconditioner is broken. I can't afford to fix it. It's fucking swealtering... (okay not like Houston eb, but STILL>.)

I saw a comedian start his gig saying 'I grew up in the above-ground pool neighborhood.' Everybody cracked up, including me. I suppose it is comparable to trailer courts & lower income shanty's.

And I am grateful that I did get to live in a home where we put in an in-ground pool!

But I have never been able to make anywhere near the income my father did, he took care of us well. And let me tell you, on a day like today I am very grateful for our modest outdoor paradise with our 18' round above ground pool under 4 story high trees! It was a scorcher!

Now Doris grilled salmon & veggies! Smile!
Catch ya later.
.

Addiction!

Damn Y'all.
I gotta pull myself away from Twitter & Facebook.
Good Gosh almighty this house is a mess & Doris is so annoyed because no one can get thru on the frickin' phone line. (yeah I know - only one line AND dial up -ha! I'm archaic.)

I have to do something constructive today besides sit on my FAT ass & focus on tweets -Man, that is really COOL, & Fb. I must pick up my shit piles & vacuum.

You guys have been really patient with all my questions.
Thankx a million.


okay try to breathe kathy.

Perplexed!

I can't figure out how to get tweets on my cell.
I can't figure out how to get facebook on my cell.
I hope all y'all are happy. I've been on the stupid computer all day (not kidding) trying to figure out twitter & facebook.
Pixie I tried to tweet Regis_and_Kelly today but it didn't got thru.

It's frickin' annoying, GAWD!!!!

Deb, eb & Nickie got your messages on Facebook.
I'll keep trying.
Man do I feel old trying to keep up with all you youngsters.
.

Twitter Schmitter

Okay, I'm still TRYing to get into tweeting. (It's your fault Pixie for constantly raving you'd rather tweet than blog.) I don't know. I also tried to join facebook because of some of you - don't really like it so much. Which do y'all like better - facebook or twitter? So far I still like blogging.

My hip is feeling better, not limping as much. Perhaps I'll be able to get off the sick list & fly again in Sept. Then again....
The cortizone shots are starting to work.

Was able to connect with a dear friend from the far-away past on twitter, Nickielee! This is a blessing.

Happy Camper!

Went to the Beach again today! WOW, love it so much. But never again on a Friday, didn't think the traffic would be so bad since folks shoulda still been at work at that hour.

- The ole bumper to bumper trick, NOT pleasant. I kept telling Doris to turn around & go home, we could catch the Fri showing of One life To Life in 30 min. But she persisted & it was wonderful.

Since it took us 2 hrs to get there today, & even longer to find a parking spot, the beach ticket takers soon left their perches at the entrances so we took our beach chairs down to the edge of the water & enjoyed 2 more hours squishing sand between our toes.
God that feels SO FUCKING GOOD!!!

I made sand vaginas. They were pretty, Doris was mortified, ha!

So relaxing - the fresh air, waves crashing a couple yards away, clouds floating thru a blue sky, sand pipers hopping around looking straight into your eyes begging for food, my true love sitting next to me peering thru her binoculars at surfing bikini butts... ahhhhh, sigh...

Total Joy!
.

The Beach!!!

We finally went to the shore yesterday!!! God, it was fabulous. I swear, a beautiful Beach is nature's Zoloft. So are Trees & Lakes.
I love it all.

There's been a ton of rain in Jersey this summer & going on a weekend is miserable with so much traffic on the Parkway.

Doris had taken the RV in to be serviced, oil change etc the day before (which was a sweet surprise!) then came home & announced we can go to Ocean Grove tomorrow! (Which was even SWEETER!!) I was SO happy, & then there was actually sunny weather & off we went!!

Since it was Tuesday it wasn't busy or noisey, & we got a great parking spot immediately (which was shocking for sure.) I always forget how cheerful all those beach umbrellas are & how relaxed everybody gets! Folks drag their asses in slow motion trudging along the boardwalk & thru the sand with all their crap & kids. Life & problems seem to come to a screaching halt with all that time to finally reflect & be grateful.

Today was also very pleasant, went to dinner at Red Lobster & decided to go back to the shore tomorrow! Hope the weather stays nice. Yeaaaaa!

Life is good.
.

Another Rainy Day

It's raining
it's pouring
little boys are boring...

Sorry about that.
Reverted back to the 2nd grade
for a few minutes there.
Funny how some things never change!
Har Har.

Another Sunday basking in the house alone,
not going to church.
Man, I LOVE it!
It's almost 200pm now so Doris
will be coming home shortly,
guess I should tidy up the place a bit
since I've just been lounging around,
reading the Sunday paper & watching Moving Up.

I really am lazy. Guess it's true.
Oh well.

I do love just laying around. sigh.
Relaxing is good.
I should try to get more motivated, but fuck it.
When I'm not flying I just don't want to do shit.

The problem is when there is no "structure"
(such as work) in my life,
I just tend to...

hangout,\
watch tv,/
eat,\
sleep,/
& ride where Doris drives me.

Sounds good to me.

For now.

I can just see Doris rolling her pretty eyes
when she walks in & sees me lounging,
not doing anything constructive.
It's okay -

I know that after she gets home
& peels off her church duds,
She'll sit to read the Sunday paper,
And those peepers of hers will slam shut!!!
She'll pass out in a quick minute.

Especially since it's still raining.....

Not to mention it's exhausting
to be singing in church all day,
(How well I remember)
And D is the lead soprano
so my hollerin' baby
will be all tweeted out.

So shortly,there'll be even more
Peace 'in the valley'...

Oh, yeah.

.

Boring June stuff

OMG My frickin' computer hasn't been able to turn on the past week, it's the connection to the phone line & I STILL can't figure out what happened. (I'm an idiot.) So finally, I brought it downstairs & connected to another phone line & thank goodness I can get back on. Phew! I Just don't get what happened to the phone line upstairs. Sheese.

So my hip still hurts, even after a cortisone shot... Getting a bursitis shot next week, maybe that will help. I've been going to physical therapy 3Xweek for 2 months, it really hasn't helped. On top of that, yesterday they tell me I need to do a $30 co-pay for all the past sessions which goes well over $500. Ahhhh, HUHHHH??? So I cancelled half of what's scheduled for next month & guess I'll be sending $30 a month till it's payed off. crap. I HATE BLUE CROSS BLUE SHIELD.

sigh. One day at a time.

Other than that, I'm good, but broke. I can't believe June is over, damn. Summer is speeding by. I may never go back to work if my hip pain doesn't get better. And you know what? I think that'd be just fine. I am really loving being OFF. I really can't get upset about it (yet) because I've had a good 41 years up in the air & at least I can get social security to supplement my lame retirement check. At least it'd be more than what I'm getting on the sick list.

Que sera' sera' what ever the fuck will be....
God Goddess Universe says Be Patient.
.

28th Anniversary!

7/17th... That is our anniversary.
Actually so is July 4th because -
28 years ago on July 4th,
Doris & I decided
we would become a committed couple.
We said 'we will continue dating
for perhaps 2 more months
before we finally have sex!'

It was a good plan, but
we only lasted 13 more days.
(13 has always been my lucky number!)
to July 17th
(Not to mention,
I was a hot, gorgeous
little femmie femme
back then..) Hence -
July 17th is our anniversary,
we became Solid.

We've gone thru many changes
over these days, years, decades.
Those of you
who've been reading my blog
have gone thru
some of the insanity...er..ah..
I mean love & growth...
along with me.

Relationships are tricky
&
none are perfect.
Everyone always asks
how we made it
so long together.
There is only one answer.

Both parties
HAVE TO WANT
to STAY together
& get thru all the bullshit,
the screaming emotional upheavals,
the simmering pissy hurt feelings
...er..ah..
I mean learning life's lessons &
accepting each other's differences...
NO MATTER WHAT.

It will not work
if only one person
puts in 100%.
If the other partner
doesn't care enough to remain
thru the thick & thin,
the pleasure as well as the pain,
the heaven & hell,
it can not work.

Both lovers
have to put in 100% each,
you need 200% commitment...
even though at times
you are sure
you will end up committed
to the looney bin
instead
of a working relationship...

Both people
have to WANT TO STAY
to do all the hard work.

Besides,
if you decide
'fuck it' & bolt
(even tho painful,
it's the easy way out)
you will have to start
ALL OVER AGAIN
at the beginning
with someone else &
deal with all their crap
& baggage
along with your own..
which still sucks because
you haven't worked
on changing yourself & growing
OR
just accepting each other's differences
& moving on together.

Of course,
in no way
should one ever stay
in a bad or abusive
relationship
that is wrong for you.
Better to get out
of that bullshit immediately.
(Wish I had of learned THAT lesson
back in my 20's, 30's & early 40's.
But nooOOOooo.
I stayed to the bitter ends
& wasted a ton of time
& life.)

Okay all that being said
(I'm sorry for the mudane lecture -
don't know WHY I got into all that,)
we had a great anniversary!
Even tho' we are both broke from so many bills,
I got Happy Anniversary Balloons for her,
Doris got beautiful pink roses for me,
& we both got cards for each other.

Then we had a lobster & salmon dinner
at Charlie Brown's
(with her sister) that night on Fri
& yesterday on Sat we drove into the City,
had hotdogs in our RV,
people watched,
talked about when we first met
& all our years together,
then sealed it with a kiss
on the corner of Washington Square
where we had our 1st kiss
28 years ago on July 4th! ha.

Finally we called it a day & drove home,
turned on the TV, climbed back into bed
& felt SO lucky & blessed.

(Finally getting a house together
is the best thing we ever did
about 16 yrs ago.)

I am very happy!
Life is so good.

I say it every time...
Be it ever so humble,
& believe me Ours is modest-
there is just NO place like home!!!

And did I happen to mention
that Doris is STILL
so amazingly DAMN gorgeous
even now till this day???
She is just scrumptious!

I am so lucky.
Really REALLY lucky!

And, of course
so is she.

*grin*
.

Found my College Roomate!

I went to college back in the 60's. My roomate for the first 2 years was my best friend since the 6th grade, Tina whom I still love & adore to this day. Then she dropped out & got a job, then married.

So my Jr year I became a floor counselor for a freshman dorm & had no idea whom I would end up rooming with except it would be her 1st year. I had gotten there early & set up my side of the room & waited on pins & needles.

In walks Lydia. We looked at each other & both thought Oh No. We were about as different as night & day. I was a dumbass beauty queen with bleach blonde hair majoring in Drama & Speech & she was a no-nonsense really SMART, serious au natural girl studying to be a Nurse. She thought 'Oh God, I can Not do this with Her as my roomate.' I thought 'Well this isn't gona be any fun.'

We started chatting as she set up her side of the room, & ended up talking about our life stories all night long. By the time we finally passed out we had become friends.

The next day the dorm mother called me in & said she was moving me up to a different floor. They needed me there & so I said fine, but I'd like to ask my new roomate to join me if she wishes because I did not want to hurt her feelings & have her think I didn't want her. Plus I really LIKED her now.

So I went in to our old room & told Lydia what was happening, & she didn't have to, but would she like to join me? She didn't think twice & said definately! We immediately started gathering all our shit together & moved right on up to our new room! We became super roomies after that.

She was so wonderful & lots of fun. As different as we were, we always had tales to tell each other when we were back in our beds at night. We laughed all the time! She always listened to my problems & was a great sounding board. She was very studious & I was always partying. I so admired her brain & wished I was smart like her. In the end we had a wonderful friendship & loved each other.

It was sad when the school year came to an end and we each went our separate ways. I moved to LA, then on to NYC to fly. She eventually married her handsome boyfriend who'd been writing her thru college, they went into the Air Force & raised 4 beautiful children.
They now live back in Texas & I'm in New Jersey. I've wondered what happened to her for decades, but could never find her on the internet.

I was SO THRILLED to finally find her brother online, & he put me in contact with HER! OMG I could NOT BELIEVE I FOUND HER!!! We talked on the phone for an hour & a half & have started writing email & sending pictures. I can not tell you how happy this makes me!

I finally found my Lydie!!!

bla bla bla

Here it is Sunday again! Thought D was gona stay home today because none of her choirs are singing, but no. Even tho she had mentioned that she didn't have to go to church, her sister called & off they went. sigh. I got really mad. But then got over it.
After all, I forgot I like Suns alone now.

My hip is still in pain when I walk or climb steps. I'm good when I come home from physical therapy but within 30 min the pain strikes again. Guess the icing wears off. I'm worried my company will try to fire me, I've been on sick leave since May.

I do however have plenty of sick time (probably 600hrs left now) as I don't abuse it. But you can't make much money when you don't fly, as there are no expenses or over time. I Always worked so much overtime to try to cover bills (probably why my hip's so screwed up!) But definitely I can't go back until (if) I get better. I have hope. I just hope they don't try to fire me.

It's fucking aggravating that I even have to worry about that type of bullshit after 41 motherfucking years of blood sweat & tears for this dumbass company. Managment are harrassing buttbrains. They suck. Please. Any horrid experience you've ever had flying on any airline, I can give you worse stories about working for the fuckers.

That being said, I still dig the job & am grateful my company has lasted this long, & that I've been able to keep my seniority. So many Flight Attendant's airlines bit the dust & they had to start all over again at the bottom of the heap. I don't know HOW they do it.

Changing the subject, the weather has been beautiful! Since it still rains so much at night it's been cool enough to not need airconditioning. So great. Since ours is b r o k e n.

Gotta go downstairs, get a bite & take vitamins. Have I mentioned how much I love Zoloft since I started it in May?!!!

Sunday Mornings

Sunday morns have become such a favorite for me!
Since Doris retired 3 yrs ago she is home everyday.
She has the most gorgeous singing voice & faithfully sings in the choir every Sun. I did it with her for about 2 decades.

But it exhausted me as Black churches have l-o-n-g services, sometimes with breaks for lunch & a late afternoon service afterward. It always annoyed me we couldn't just go home & enjoy the rest of the Sunday together. Heck it annoys me we can't just spend the day in bed together with the Sunday papers & TV, but anyway...

I am a spiritual person, but sitting in a church building for the whole, damn motherfucking day really started pissing me off & did nothing to calm my furtive soul & bring me closer to "the Lord."

Not to mention, the fabulous American Black Gospel music is what I craved -so much better than the generic sound of white church hymns, even tho' many are the same from the same book!

Also the old spirituals are So mournful but beautiful. Then the choir director got it up his butt to only sing positive &/or new Christian songs, no more depressing or sad spirituals, just happy happy happy music. Well, I about started to loose it.

Jeese, that is not what I signed up for, Some of us LIKE the depressing songs showing how God brings us thru it all. If you are a depressed person all that hippity happity can really make you feel worse.

And as nice as the pastor is, his sermons are mediocre & the longer it goes, the louder he starts to scream & holler. Damn. Screw that shit.

So a year or so ago I just quit going to choir practice & also stopped church Every week. phew. What relief I felt since I worked so hard & so much, I hardly had any day off for myself. Church had become a job.

NOW, as soon as Miss Singing Johnson leaves, I charge back up to bed & revel in my solitude. I turn on "Moving Up" a tv show I happen to love, break out all the delivered Sunday papers & read the circulars, & pull out ye ole laptop & start catching up on blogs!

Then if she goes out to eat with her brother & sisters (who also have awesome voices & sing in the choir) I have time to either fall back to sleep for a lazy afternoon nap, or zoom to the the health club for the whirlpool, swimming, steamroom & wash my hair.

Either/or - it's all good. Just hanging here in bed alone is exciting because I don't feel guilty like I do after Doris awakens & rushes off to do chores or errands, etc. (She has SO much more energy than I.)

Oh, btw -yesterday, the 4th of July was so great!
Had the most delicious BBQ party at Doris' neice's big home with many family members. Delicious, yummy food!!!! FABULOUS!!!

Then Doris always wants to go to the NYC fireworks, but I hate it because I can't stand being in the middle of all the hundreds of screaming, stinky, sweaty drunks. GOD.

Well we started out late after the party, so we were caught up on the NJ turnpike enroute to the Lincoln Tunnel when all the fireworks started.

So we (& everyone else up there) pulled over to the side of a mile long bridge & just stopped for 30 minutes to watch it all with NYC as a backdrop! It was perfect, it was fabulous!!!! And we didn't even have to go into the City!!! OMG, so wonderful.

We we back home & in bed by the 1100 o'clock news!

Aaaahhhh. No place like home!
Life is so good.
.

Had A Colonoscopy

OMG.
I had a colonoscopy today.
Good fucking grief, I can barely walk now.
Just had a 2 hr nap, so I'm feeling a little better.

The worst part was the prep work yesterday which was beyond gross.

You stop eating & take 4 ducolax pills at 1200 noon.
Drink a ton of water.
At 500p you drink 2 yucky bottles of magnesium citrate which is SO horrid. Just nasty.
Drink tons of more water.

There's just gotta be a better way. uck.

Anyway then you're up all night shitting your brains out every 15-20 minutes. No sleep.
You feel totally sick, dizzy & weak.

At 0630a the next morning, you drink one last bottle of citrate magnesium & drink another ton of water. Gawd.

Then NO MORE WATER after that.

It's just wicked.

Went to the surgery center at 1000a,
& soon I was on O2
& knocked out with an IV of sleep juice, ha!
Then next thing I knew I was waking up
in recovery
& it was over!
Thank the Lord.

I staggered out to Doris who stayed to drive me home,
but not before the Dr. told me everything was FINE!

He had found nothing at all (no cancer, no polyps, no diverticulitis etc.), gave me pictures of my beautiful, clean colon & said go home, have a hamburger, don't ever eat cheese (damn.) & don't drive. Come back in 5 years.

YEAAAAAAA!!!!!

THANK YOU JESUS!!!
Glory to God Goddess Universe!!!

I am so relieved.
I'm glad I did it, but even happier it's over.
Still out of it, going back to sleep.

'

Gay Pride Parade on Sunday

Dang, I was thinking that Doris would have gotten enough of The City & parades yesterday at the Dyke Parade.
But nooooOOOOOoooo.

So off we go after she returned home from church, back to the Big Apple in the grueling Gay Pride Traffic. shit.

By that time the Parade was maybe half over, but we were so hungry.

Well so often I think about how lucky it is that I hooked my wagon to Doris' star years decades ago because she truly has angels on her shoulders, & God Goddess Universe often reigns FAVOR down on her...

We found a GREAT parking spot on Bank St. WITHOUT a meter (free!) only 3 blocks from the parade on Christopher St. & Bleeker!
Manatus is on Bleeker where we were seated in a BOOTH! immediately!
Not only is all this so impossible, but afterwards we somehow came out & EASILY slid into the FRONT ROW of the parade on Christopher & Bleeker which is just freakin' insane.
I used to live in the building on the corner & believe me it is the MOST desirable spot!

3 miracles! Bing Bang Boom!

Guess D was rewarded for sharing her gifts & singing in the choir all morning ... while I played hookey, stayed home & languished.

I wasn't able to walk down the midway after the March ended (which was around 730pm - told y'all it's too long in NYC) because of my durn hip. So we drove back to Jersey with easy traffic since it was still so early! Could NOT believe any of it!

As for the parade, the children were out! There were a billion kadrillion GLBT folk & their friends & it was just crazy. Then there were a trillion cops. Everything seemed fine that I saw, except for all the Black women who gave Doris evil looks because she was with a white woman. Some things never change.

Glad to be back home in bed. Yeaaaaa BED!!!

PS: There's been a Charlie's Angels /Farrah Fawcett marathon on TV all night long!!!
Loving it.
.

Dyke Parade Today (Saturday)

17th Annual NYC Dyke March

Saturday June 27, 2009 at 5:00pm

Bryant Park

40th St. & 6th Ave.
New York City, New York Get Directions

The 17th Annual NYC Dyke March steps off at 5 pm sharp on the evening of Saturday June 27th 2009. Everyone should assemble at Bryant Park, located at 42nd Street and 6th Avenue. The march goes down 5th Avenue to Washington Square Park.

It's time to hit the streets! Make some noise. Be visible. Be heard. Demonstrate, agitate, liberate at the New York City Dyke March. Bring signs, banners, drums, giant puppets, flags, hula hoops or just be there!

The New York City Dyke March is a protest march, not a parade -- we don't ask for a permit, because we have the right to protest. As queer women, we recognize that we must organize amongst ourselves to fight for our rights, our safety, and for visibility. Thousands of dykes take over the streets every year in celebration of queer women everywhere and to protest against ongoing , harassment and anti-women violence in schools, on the job, in our families and on the streets.

As always, the Dyke March is open to all women, biological or otherwise - no sign-up or registration required. Just come out with your banners, signs, noisemakers, and beautiful dyke selves, and join in the march!

Website: http://dykemarchnyc.org

There is also a Lesbian Dance on Pier 54 afterward!

We went into The City, watched many people in the comfort of our little RV while chowing down on Papaya's Hot dogs. We drove around different favorite areas & parked for a time. Then we parked right on 8th St & 5th Ave & waited for the parade to pass. Finally they came..hundreds of Lesbians & friends, some were topless & they were all singing When the Saints Come Marching In. But they passed by SO fast. SEVEN MINUTES, I kid you not.

While we had been waiting, the sky had opened & rain started pouring. Everyone got dowsed, (except for us!) Afterwards we drove down the West Side Highway to check out Pier 54... And Low & Behold - There they all were!!! The rest of the parade! A gillion hot. sweatty dykes, jumping around to the DJ's tunes at the big Dance. It was $25 a person to get in, but Doris & I kept on driving... We had to go line up for the Holland Tunnel to get back to Jersey.

Ahhhh. Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home.
.

.

My Daddy

Today is Father's Day.
I had a really great Daddy!
His name was Paul.
Paul Euclid xxxxxxxx,
an odd middle name, but he turned out to be an accountant
so it was actually fitting.
He was always an executive in his jobs,-
always a vice president-treasure,
so he was able to be a great provider!
Actually, he was very smart, close to brilliant...
at least in my eyes,
Definitely the smartest in our family.
And he was always nice to me.
He loved me & I knew it.
Altho' he was not demonstrative, warm or fuzzy.

He lived more in his head than in his heart.
He often would be reading during his time off, whether it was newspapers, magazines, or one of his many hard-cover books - while listening to classical music of which he had vast amounts of LPs. Not to mention a fabulous sound system. He had a library where he had books BEHIND books. And after he had bypass surgery, he took a speed reading course so he could try to finish reading all his beloved books before he died at the age of 68.

He also had a work bench & giant tools in the garage & was very handy - when he got the chance.

His other hobby was photography, he had Nikons & also could develop his own pictures which he taught me to do at a young age. (8yrs!). (I now am a great amature photographer, but didn't retain the development process!)

Since all his hobbies & interests were something he only did alone, I figured out a way to get more attention by becoming the center of many of the photos he took. My brother & I were chronicled growing up & I love being able to visit our childhood thru all the pictures.

My father was a very dapper dresser with all his suits, ties, shoes & hats. However he had no clue how to dress on the weekends, or when he got home from work to relax. He had bermuda shorts with tucked in izod type button-down tees with a Belt... and hurache sandals with socks. heh heh. My poor little daddy.

He was nice to me, kind. And I could tell there were often times I fascinated him. He was my smart, little ole Daddy & I loved him.

But he was gone a lot - traveled abroad often for his job. Emotionally he was a vapor. He frustrated my Mother no end, never gave her much attention, was not at all romantic, never gave her compliments for all her cooking, house keeping, & the lovely way she always dressed & took care of herself. She tried so hard to please him, but he barely noticed. Too me it was his power struggle & defense.

My mother was VERY difficult. NOTHING EVER made her happy. We all tried & tried, but she would scream & yell, throw hissy fits & slap & hit my brother & I constantly.

I think after his initial shock at the jeckle/hyde crazy, emotional wreck he married, my father just retreated into his shell to escape the insanity. But it certainly didn't help. She was SO needy & he basically refused to get caught up in her craziness. He froze her out. It was cruel.

And her ego was too damn fragile to admit she needed help, so she would only go for "counseling" with our church pastors, develop a crush on them & scare them off.

Mother & Daddy both could have used therapy, but were too busy trying to present a "perfect family" front to the outside world. I think maybe Daddy wasn't that kind to Alan either because my brother would rebel at all the "perfection" that was asked of us & ended up being somewhat of a problem... Poor Alan.

Of course I was always trying to be perfect in order to keep the family together & the happy scherade up. I didn't rebel & go nuts until I moved out to NYC at 21yrs.

Well anyway, this was supposed to be about my father, but I had to bring up the truth in how he never got help for my mother. When I told him she was crazy, he said 'NO she's NOT." I really don't know how they stayed together all those years, pretending to the world that everything was fine.

My Dad tho' DID try to give us wonderful vacations, driving us cross country, camping in different National Parks each year! It was his way of educating us & it was glorious! Apart from my Mother exploding every 3 days at just the stress of being Ruth, (don't you love it - Ruth & Paul?) it was great fun & adventures, & some of my best childhood memories.

And my Most Favorite memory is when driving me to my 3rd year of college, he pulled over for fuel at a gas station & bought me a BEAUTIFUL, shiney red Corvair convertable that was for sale there, so they wouldn't have to keep driving 3 hrs to pick me up & take me back!!! It was the biggest thrill ever!

He was a great father - to me. I miss him a lot. He passed about 25 yrs ago. My mother 12 yrs after that. They both did the best they could & I do appreciate it. I wish I would have told them more often.

One thing I learned for sure... It is MUCH easier to forgive after someone dies. I'm so sorry for ALL the pain my Mother lived her life in, altho' she always took it out on us. It is tragic to recall.

And I'm so sorry for the pain my father also lived with (if not contributed to.) I think he may have been living in the closet. In another lifetime perhaps he would have had courage to come out & be gay. We'll never really know & at this time it doesn't even matter.

Happy Father's Day Dad. Thank you for Everything! I'll love you always. xxxooo.

.

Happy Birthday Alan!

Today is my baby brother's 60th birthday! OMG,
I can NOT believe he's really hit the big 6-0.

I remember when we adopted him at 9mo's old. He came toddeling out of a doorway, holding the nurse's hand. He was dressed in little overall shorts with his pudgy legs bulging out into little white sox & lace up baby shoes.
His blonde hair was parted on the side & combed neatly framing those chubby pink cheeks.

It was my birthday that day & I wasn't too sure of this new birthday present. We fought a lot as kids, but thru the years I came to dearly love him.

Not to mention we are the only ones who really know what it was like to have grown up together in our disfunctional household (didn't everyone have one of those?) with our crazy mother (she did the best she could..) & our docile father (a great provider, but he was gone a lot -both physically & emotionally.)

It all was what it was (Hell!) no - just kidding... ah, not really, but anyway - we both SURVIVED!!!

He's a great little brother, even though he grew to 6'4",
& is very talented, generous, good, sweet & thoughtful, jovial -

corny jokes & all! haha!

His wonderful wife Annie has baked a delicious apple, pecan, preline birthday pie for him & no doubt they are celebrating now as I write.

When I called earlier to sing him happy birthday, I asked him how it feels to be 60? He said it really hurts.
He had fallen down wooden steps on the way to work. landed on his butt & tailbone, then his elbow jammed into his already messed up shoulder & he was feelin' the PAIN.

Luckily he was able to take a nap
(yep yep, naps are good after 60!)
& is feeling better. Okay brother dear, onward & upward one day at a time!
Welcome to geeserville!

Happy Birthday A L V I N !!!!

He hates when I call him that, har har!!

I LOVE YOU!

Party Time

We went to a grand LESBIAN! birthday party last night. One of my Flight Attendant friends turned 50yrs & had a huge blow out. The invitations said "elegant white" so everyone dressed in white. (I hate wearing white- I'm so pale & end up looking like a big adhesive bandage..) But everyone else looked fab & it was lots of fun.

It was a catered affair in their back yard with 6 big round tables under a huge yellow stripe canopy. There was a long buffet along side the beautiful swimming pool, a DJ playing jazz while we chowed down, then disco tunes when everyone hit the dance floor!

I didn't dance. I really wanted to, the music was so good & Doris was egging me on. But there were camera shots, video cameras, & other Flight Attendants there, plus I didn't need to chance making the pain in my hip worse. So I sat & ate birthday cake (3 pieces-ha!) while everyone partied thru the night.

Seeing that we live down the street from this soiree, all we needed to do was walk home! Love that. We left around 1100p (geesh, we are old - the craziness was still ensuing with all the other Younger (drunk-ha!) dykes. Actually there were old inebriated lesbians too. Sometimes it's kinda hard to hang around folks who have been drinking all night when I've been clean & sober for so many decades.

It was wonderful to spend time with so many lovely lesbians WITHOUT children running around. (Okay one did bring her beautiful new baby from across the street to show us all, but took it back to her mother after 20 minutes. perfect!)

Everyone had a great time, esp Doris & me! I have to admit though, it was wonderful to get home. There's just no place like BED alone with Doris!

Good GOD, am I a truly sorry boring dud or what? I just re-read this entry & am amazed at how droll I sound. Strange, I don't FEEL like such a giant yutz. Hmmm. Maybe it would have come off different had I been able to dance!

Or not.

Guess I'm just tired from all this sitting around.
.

A True Pain In the Ass

The MRI showed fluid in or on my hip, the doc called it effusion... whatever the hell that is. Plus I have sciatica. Okay, figured that much. Now I have to go for a bone scan to make sure there's no fracture before I start physical therapy. I'll be off of flying the rest of the month! Can't argue with that! Yea.

Did I mention my knee?
And the bottom of my feet hurt ALOT?
Guess I'll go to the foot Dr too.
Might as well make the rounds since I have time now.
Good thing I have 700 hrs of sick time available.
I've been feeling fucking polio stricken
for months now.
Waa waa waa. Okay, I'll shut up.

I'm really not complaining, I feel very blessed it's not worse.
And I'll be patiently biding my time while I heal.

.

Freakin' Mammograms

Went for a mammo today.
My GOD is there any more a barbaric thing than having your breasts smashed between 2 freezing shelves while you hold your breath & they count & take the xrays? At least this technician was nicer than the last 'nurse Rachett' I had do this 6 years ago. It is so painful.

I expect to be called back for more xrays & the sonograms because I am very cystic, it happens ea time. What a drag. An angel on my shoulder told me I am fine & not to worry.

Hope it's not just denial.
.

Time Off!

Doris had flowers, balloons & cards for me on my bday, & I got calls, cards & a present from other friends! It's been so nice.

I haven't blogged that I have gone on the 'sick list' for flying because of that damn pain in my ass I had mentioned earlier. My main Dr said it was sciatica, & I finally went to an orthopedist who took xrays, said don't fly for at least a month because the pain is not getting better. He sent me to get a hip MRI which I did yesterday & I have to wait till next week for a diagnosis.

Those MRI's are no joke. Seriously, I was in that tube for 1 & a half hours, not moving with all that banging & screeching noise going on. phew! It sucked. I hate to think how much I'll have to pay out of pocket after my lousy insurance... yikes.

So anyway, I am taking this time off to rest & enjoy life & hope I don't get harrassed by my freakin' job. (supervisors are famous for that since we have more time off than they do.) Anyway, I can't walk that well, let alone run up & down the asiles serving folks - not to mention trying to balance thru turbulence.

I'm not worried at the moment, just thinking I need to rest my hip. Hopefully there won't be any bad diagnosis. Stay tuned.

Incedentally, that gratitude list I made of the important things I remembered thru my life was good for me! I challenge you all to do the same.... while you can still remember, ha!

5-24-09!

I am so excited! Today I am 62 whole years old! phew! Never thought I would make it this far. Well, you don't think of aging as a kid - only that you too will someday turn 80 something like your grandparents, but who ever dwells on that when you're young, thriving & living life 100 miles an hour in the fast lane?

Here are my most memorable highlights thru the years so far:


Adopting my brother for my 3rd birthday!

Nursery School!

1st grade!

The beginning of MANY wonderful family vacations camping at US national parks ea year!

YMCA Sleep-away camp for years!

Move from Dallas to Richardson!

Big new house & my own room!

Best Friend Tina!

Jr. High (ugh) & braces!

Roller Skating!

Girl Scouts!

Dance Classes!

Modeling

High school!

Eaglettes!

Dances & boyfriends!

Proms & Graduation!

Beauty Pageants!

Going away to College!

Rooming with Tina!

New friend Jeannie!

1st love boyfriend Bobby! (4yrs)

Campus & fraternity parties!

1st car - red Corvair convertable with black upholstry!!!(Favorite Best memory ever of my father buying it for me at a gas station on the way to my jr year in college! - they got tired of driving me & picking me up)

Family moving to California!

Beautiful new big house!

Swimming pool (put in on my birthday!)

Beaches!

Stewardess College!(back in Texas)

Getting based in New York!

Moving to NYC!!!

Flying!

Studying jazz ballet on Broadway with Luigi!!!

Sex (finally!)

Drugs.

Loving Jim!

Loving Jordan.

Loving Gay friend Franklin! (Hawaii trips & discovering the gay scene.)

Disco Queen!

Loving & living with Charlie!

Therapist Sylvia!

Loving Sal

Loving & living with Doug!

Coming OUT!

Loving & living with Kay.

Therapist Leah!

Loving & living with Wendy!

Stop drugs & booze!

The beginning of many 12-step programs thruout the next decade! (They saved my life!!!)

Loving Judy!

Loving & living with Doris!

Best Therapist Carolyn!

Buying a house in NJ with Doris!

Growing old together!
(27 yrs & counting!)

Working with triple buddy bidders Marilyn & Pam for 35 years!

Working with many other wonderful Flight Attendants over 40 yrs!

Planning retirement!


I feel very lucky, happy & blessed.
Today I am just relaxing & counting my blessings. There are so many more I haven't mentioned.

But the very best thing of making it to 62 is that when the time comes and I DO get to retire, I shall be able to collect Social Security to supplement my puny retirement check...
Which won't be much since I'll be taking it early, but so be it!
At least I made it this far!
YEAAAAAAAAAAAA!

.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day was good. I used to hate it because my mother never fit all those beautiful mushy cards, & she never liked the flowers I would send. She was difficult, sad, always angry & most likely depressed - screamed at us & cried all the time. Damn. Guess I'm more like her than I want to admit. I don't scream & cry all the time (THANK the Lord!!!) but I do feel like I've become difficult, sad, angry & depressed a lot in my old age. Of course I'm also fabulous & funny when I'm not all that. But I have to admit I have really become quite a bitch. Not always, but there's an edge. I started taking zoloft 2 weeks ago & I think it's starting to work.

Well anyway, for some reason (family disfunction) I've become the Mother's Day planner each year to get everyone together even if they're not communicating. It always works wonderfully, everyone has a relaxing, delicious luncheon after church at the airport Marriott Laughing & talking for hours. And each year more people come so it's becoming quite the tradition. Of course when it was all over I was so relieved.

I never had children because I knew I would be a bad mother. Folks don't talk about bad mothers much. It's just the hardest job ever in life to be a good mom. Not everyone makes it. I never wanted to be hated so much. I'm sorry to say I wasted so much time despising mine. Now that she's gone it so much easier to forgive & I do acknowledge & appreciate all she dedicated her life trying to do for me. And of course I feel guilty for not being a better daughter. I am however grateful that I never fucked up an innocent little being. Physically or emotionally. phew! The buck stopped with my brother & I. He never had kids either. We didn't pass on the legacy.
.

Back To Reality

Vacation is over. Ratshit. One can never have enough time off. As a matter of fact, the more time off we get, the harder it is to go back to work! Somehow it's easier with only 1 or 2 days off because I'm still in a jetlag stuper doing the 'groundhog day' thing. Anyway I'm flying to Lax this evening. Hope I don't get the frickin' flu - think I'll wear surgical gloves, but probably no mask. It will be interesting to see how FA's are handling all this.

Saw 2 movies. Obcessed with Beyonce, who was really good, but I didn't like the movie because it just bothers me so much that people can come in & try to wreck a relationship so easily. Doris loved it.
Then saw The Soloist with Jamie Fox! WOW Wow WOW!! It was so excellent. And sad. This is a fabulous movie.

Went to the Dr on my time off & she said my butt pain was
ALL Y'all, HAHAHA no just kidding.
She said it is just sciatica. Since it hasn't gone all the way down my leg, I didn't think it was. Guess I'll just take advil or aleve. I feel like such a gimp.

And also she told me I can't just come into an appointment with such a long list of maladies (I had a huge list because I hadn't been there for a year.) I was like why not? When the hell am I supposed to talk about all my body problems??? She said I have to come in more often. So I'll be back next month.

I feel like I got on her nerves, which I do to others often. I can never understand why everyone doesn't just love & adore me, ha! Unfortunately I do tend to try to stay away from drs unless I'm really ill. And the truth is it seems that EVERYThing has gone wrong with me in my 61st year. seriously. Health wise the shit is has hit the fan at 61. Be grateful I am not listing everything HERE...

Later cyber women. Got to spackle & paint the face. Had 2 weeks with naked skin, it was great.
.

Overwhelmed

So - one week down, one to go. Ratshit.
Damn, that week went fast. And seeing that I'm rarely one for looking positively at the glass half full, I am suddenly plummeting into a downward spiral (oh gawd, not one of those again,) & feeling so pissed & depressed that my (puny, little half-ass)"vacation" (cut from 4 weeks to 2 since 9/11 when they took half of everything away from us to try to fight bankruptcy 6 yrs ago) (ahh but management STILL gets all their fucking bonuses & PS we never DID go bankrupt but they haven't restored our concessions) is now already HALF over... FUCK me.
So mother fucking annoying.

Anyway.
Pardon the rant.

Now where was I?

I've mainly just laid around, which IS my favorite M.O. on days off - and therefore haven't accomplished much. Geese, I'm such a slug. And a lazy one at that. 3 things though...

Had a great Saturday last week when we went to the Englishtown flea market & bought a shitload of Red perfume (our fave) (well- we got 2 big ones!) & toffee covered pecans (that's peh 'KAWHNS for you eb readers!). The weather was warm & beautiful & we took the RV. Such a great day, just the 2 of us!

Last Thurs my 2 ex-flying partners who retired 2 years ago (we had worked together for over 3 decades & I was simply morose I couldn't afford to retire with them when we all turned 60) & Doris & I met for lunch at Manatus in the City & had a wonderful time! They can't believe I am still flying 2 yrs later (ME NEITHER!) & we hadn't seen each other in all this time.

Damn they looked great! So much BETTER without all the stress of the job. And me, I still looked dowdy as shit, & beaten down like a fuckin' junkyard dawg y'all. Plus, I am still hobbling along with my right-ass hip pain & knee pain, it is not getting any better, & THEY are just floating lithefully & giddily along without a care in the world now since they escaped from the MAN.

I think to myself - I have a perfectly great job & I count my blessings that I am not among the thousands who have been laid off & lost their livelyhood due to this wretched economy. I still enjoy the majority of my passengers & fellow Flight Attendants. And I will not have any chance in hell to make even close to the same salary to supplement trying to survive on the 'fixed income' of a pension. What - am I NUTS thinking I need to retire soon?

Tonight I finally called a Flight Attendant retirement specialist & agreed to pay her $100 to help me figure all this out. (She charges $50/hr.) Then I broke down & bawled like a dumb-ass baby after I hung up. Doris tried to console me & said it'll all be okay, just pray on it. That's her answer for everything. It is scary & overwhelming to think of ending such a long career when I have nothing saved, my 401K has been turned into a 101K & my health just ain't what it used to be. sigh.

And one more thing... did anyone happen to see the fabulous Drew Barrymore & Jessica Lang in the HBO production of 'Grey Gardens"?
Oh. My. God! So horrifying & compelling at the same time. Not to mention it is my worst nightmare in life to turn into that. seriously. I feel I could easily eventually become either one of those Edie's... loosing everything, all money & support as you delve into poverty with your house in delapidated shambles & turning into a pigstye with tons of cats hanging around, crawling all thru their stinking excretment inside & out... It already IS easy for me to live like a slob - I never have been a neatnick & am definitely NOT the tidiest person- much to Doris' chagrin. Housework has never been a forte' of mine.

So tonight I plunged into the black hole that is my 'closet room' & straightened up the gigantic disarray! Took all night. But I did it. I could do more, but it definitely appears more orderly & organized (at least for me.) Anyway it's a start.
But I really wouldn't mind living with a ton of kitties roaming around in & out. I could SO easily become a crazy old Cat Lady - truly! Good thing Doris would never stand for it.

Okay, that's it. phew.
Sorry I am so boring.
It's just that I've come to the point where if I don't write my bullshit down, I fear I won't remember the process.
oye.
.

Can't Keep Up with the Youngens'

Hey I've got 2 weeks of vacation! Yea!
No, I'm not going anywhere. No money.
But Lordie, I need the rest because I'd picked up 2 extra trips the 1st week to pad my vacation month & put me into overtime. Then I had 2 other trips the 2nd week which were SHIT.

Normally I try to fly LA & back - one leg over, one leg back the next day.
Easy peezie lemon squeezie. Especially if I like whom I'm working with! And since I'm SO senior I can always hold this coveted trip out of Newark.

But since it was vacation month, I bid a selection where I had the 1st week off (to pick up extra time as I said) & then fly 2 Orlando trips the 2nd week which went like this:
ewr-mia (change gates 2 miles over)
mia-mco (Orlando) layover.
next day
mco-stl (St Louis)
stl-mia
change gates 2 miles over & sit for the next plane to land
mia-ewr.

Well.

The 1st day was 2 legs, -bad enough.
But the 2nd day was 3 long legs PLUS all the tromping thru the terminals to the D concourse to sit for the next flight.
I swear to God, I could BARELY keep up (charging thru the fucking airport to change planes) with the (much) younger Flight Attendants... Something has happened to my right butt-hip & it has a stitch in it, I can no longer walk fast. Maybe it's arthritis or maybe I cracked the fucker. Plus my feet were throbbing. I could seriously barely make it. The other FA's said welcome to the real world Kathy, we have to fly this up/down up/down crap all the time. God, I felt so old.

So Easter Sunday I was in church (1st time all year, Doris really wanted me to go) & I prayed to God, please give me a sign when It's time for me to retire. I got the immediate reply - what do I have to do, drop you on the floor? You already can't walk!

So now I am starting to actually consider retirement, but fear I can't afford it. I am going to start going to all the dr appointments & get all that done be fore retirement in case something bad needs to be operated on. I've done the dentist. Next week the internist. May the gyno. I have to schedule a mamo, lung xray & colonoscopy. ick. Guess I should have my feet looked at, too.

It is scary to think of actually retiring even tho I would LOVE to. It's been my life for over 40 years. sheesh. freaky huh? Having no money (dont get much for retirement.) I'll be 62 the end of May so perhaps I can get early ss, but heard we have to wait till 63 now. I have to check all this out. sigh. I feel exhausted just trying to think of all this.

Think I'll take a nap. yawn.

PS, a trainer at the gym seems to think that I pulled a muscle in my butt & gave me an exercise to work it out. He said it's like those muscle spasms I get in my neck/shoulder... and that if a rubber band has a knot in it you can't stretch it out until you get rid of the knot. Okay. That makes sense.

Phew! Beats a cracked hip.

.

Allergies?

I am still sickly. What the hell?? I have to try not to let this develop into the flu. Yesterday on the plane it occured to me that this could be allergies? So today after waking up all snottilish I took an Allegra D that the doc gave me for allergies last year. I Never had allergies before last year so I don't know how to recognize if it is a cold or what. Anybody out there know?

Also, the sump pump stopped working & there was a flood int the basement. Over an inch worth that soaked into the carpet. Crap. So now we have it working if we go down & shake the hose, but it doesn't work by itself so that is a lot of running down the steps.

At least shaking the hose makes it work. guess it's time to buy a new pump. Wish we had more money. fuck.

Frickin' Weight Gain

I'm down 1.2 lbs at ww this evening. Can't believe it, must be because I'm not well. (Still coughing after returning home yesterday, & slept all day today, gotta fly back out tomorrow, got cough syrup & mucinex.)

Saw Starr Jones on Oprah today speaking about her lap band/weight loss journey & she said she still dreams about double whoppers with cheese. I just started crying hearing that. Dumb I know, but it's just such a fucking struggle trying to manage maintence (as evident that I regained back weigh twice in 3 yrs.)

When I bend over I feel that beach ball in my stomach & my uniform pants are once again too tight in the waist. Shit. One of my group pointed out that I'm only 12 lbs over my goal & I could get it back down if I really focus.

Guess it could be worse. I gotta get more positive & stop feeling sorry for myself. I am afterall still somewhat healthy. It would be easier to STAY healthy with out extra flubber & poundage. I know my Knees & feet would appreciate it.

Appologies for the boring entry.

I don't want to get sick.

Saturday was totally dreary so Doris & I stayed in bed all afternoon drinking hot tea, reading (her the papers, & me sTori Telling -someone left it on the plane- Tori Spelling has one bitch of a mother) & watching movies on the LMN channel. It was totally indulgent & very restful.

Eventually we went out for a VERY late brunch! Then picked up a few staples at the grocery & came directly back home, climbed back in bed & continued watching LMN movies. I couldn't believe she did that, Doris gets cabin fever so easily. I'm the one who can spend a few days lounging around since I'm so tired from flying.

Well anyway, the point I'm trying to get to is this:
Today I feel like I coming down with a freakin' cough & chest cold.
I mean - WHaT THE HELL?? I rested all day & my resistance didn't feel a bit down. Crap. I don't get it.

Furthermore, I forced myself to go to the gym today (it's been 2 weeks since the last visit- I am fat again, when I bend over to tie my nikes it feels like a whole basket ball is in my stomach.) Shit shit shit.

Anyway I thought the steamroom might help clear my lungs - which it did at first, but now I feel worse. Plus NOW my right shoulder is all cricked up from pushing the stupid machines & I can barely turn my head. I must be getting so feeble. sheesh.

So tomorrow I have to fly out & I have to try to fake feeling just super-duper, thank you very much. Fuck.
Now I'm trying to go to sleep.
I am definately going to need it.

Is This All There Is?

When i was young, growing up with my (adopted) family thinking I was so much different/talented/special/better which put me on a mission to prove. To show. To be all I could be. (maybe I shoulda joined the army, NOT.)
To get a taste of Who I could be on my own. away from them. so far & so free!

Such a thrill to soar into life on my own (or so I thought - all the years of love, devotion & hope they had for me plus their prayers every night for my well-being left me far from alone.)

Still with all that going for me I failed miserably at reaching the pinnacle of success, not to mention the victory of self-truth as I chose the wrong paths & got lost in sex, drugs & disco - wrong choices, wrong men, wrong directions & a few wrong women too.
A decade of delerious escape from old pain into new pain - still really more of the old oddly enough. more of the same.

what the hell.

I was more successful in life when living with my parents, & failed miserably once I made my great escape.
Why couldn't I succeed with my dreams? What stopped me from becoming my ambitious self. what caused me to retreat into oblivion to where I would finally slowly awaken in such a stupor i would never fully recover?

It's taken so long to be who & what I am now & it is still not enough... tho' it must be for the time being - as this is how far I've come. Until I figure out where to go next. Or even more - how to jolt myself out of my current status-quo.

Once you make your life & get somewhat 'comfortable' languishing in the 'safety' of sleepwalking thru the days, months, years - it is hard to change again.
Am I stagnant?
Am I just plodding along? (sorry Linda! Love that blog name!)
How do I once again just snap out of it & grow even further?
There is still much to learn.
Where do I go, what do I do next?
If I die tomorrow, this just can't be all there is.

Then again... Maybe I'll just roll over & go back to sleep. Such a luxury & really- sleep is so healthy.

Even if I pull myself out of bed & GO TO THE GYM
it will still be more of the same.
Aye yie yie.
Somebody push me!

A Meme From Deborah

Five names you go by:
1. Kathy
2. Kathlene
3. Aunt Kathy
4. Kathymae
5. KMae
(but when passengers ask my name I tell them "Gertrude P. Schlamowitz")

Three things you are wearing right now:
1. glasses
2. sleepshirt
3. nail polish

Three things you want very badly at the moment:
1. Energy
2. money
3. gay marriage legalized

Two people who will probably fill this out:
nobody

Two things you did last night:
1. drove home from the airport
2. picked up chinese food on the way

Two things you ate today:
1. 3 egg whites
2. chicken burger & sweet potato fries

Two people you last talked to on the phone:
1. brother Alan
2. Doris

Two things you are doing tomorrow:
1. going to the movies
2. munching butter popcorn

Two longest car rides:
1. Dallas to Banff Canada
2. Dallas to Boston

Two of your favorite beverages:
1. hot tea/w milk & sweetner
2. diet coke, but I stopped it & now try to drink lemon/lime seltzer

Mid March Malaise

So I guess no news is good news for me the past 2 weeks.
Nothin' much going on here.

Workin' hard for no money. Had Carter Osterhouse or what ever his last name is from the HGTV channel (Carter Can, Trading Spaces) onboard - that gorgeous carpenter. He was SO nice & unassuming.
And that guy who played the police chief on McMillan & Wife all those years ago. He also played Daddy Warbucks in Annie on Broadway & toured for 20yrs with that (he's bald now.) VERY nice.

I've been working with this young gay guy who cracks me up constantly & that truly gets me thru the long days on the plane. We've bid to fly together for 3 months now & I wonder how much longer he will be interested in continuing this since he's so much younger (43.) (I'm 61.) I think he misses his mom & I do feel motherly to most of the younger Flight Attendants - well that would be most all of them since they are all younger than I. Anyway I adore working with Patrick who is a true comedian & works FAST which is my favorite thing. So many are slow & often lazy.

So only one week after that huge snow storm I last wrote about, the weather turned warm &gorgeous the next Saturday. Doris & I took the RV into the City & had brunch at Manatus in the West Village (eb, thought about you & the Queen since we'd dined there once.) Then sat around & people watched for a few hours, drove around checking out how much the scene had changed from the last year, (God- everything keeps changing in NYC especially in the Village) got hot dogs at Gray's Papaya's (the prices there sure went up..shish) before returning home. It was a fun, glorious day, but the next day became cold again, & that continues on here in the East. The fact that spring is supposed to come on Friday will probably be a rouse. Can't wait for warm weather full time.

Been reading all your blogs! Carry on.

Snow

OMG!!!! Do you believe this snow????
I woke up at 0530a & can't believe my eyeballs!
It's a frickin' blizzard out there. And WINDY. WOW.
Looks like 5 inches so far & it's 18 degrees.
It's still dark & still coming down & is wet & heavy.
I am NOT looking forward to shoveling this mess -yikes.
But thank the Lord I don't have to work today, that's a YEA!!!
I'm feeling bad for Val, Pixie & Tina & wondering how it is for those in Conn. Dammmmn. Hope y'all get to stay home.
We got food, & water & HEAT!! We are blessed. Hope the TV & electricity stays good. Doris & I will hibernate today.
It's 0610 now. Think I'll roll over & try to go back to sleep.
ahhhhhhh. Smooshy pillows!

The Phone Is Fixed!

Gaaa. Nothing like being with out a land line for a few days to make you really appreciate having your computer working again! Luckily I think the Verizon man won't be charging us extra... phew! Cell phones are great inventions, but I still like a regular land line.
Yea, life is back to normal...
whatever the hell that is.

The Big Sleep, Panther's Last Hours

The main thing I learned is that it seems much better to take a pet to the vet to have them 'put down' or euthanized even tho' it was pure searing pain personally. It definitely seems kinder than to let 'nature take it's course' as I think poor Panther suffered. I felt so helpless. So sad, - death. Big suckage.

I haven't been able to quiet down enough to feel him or his presence. I had picked him up & held him for about 5 min on the couch kissed him & told him I loved him, then took him back into his room & gently laid him on his right side on this big floor pillow they sleep on. I noticed that blood had gotten on my sweatshirt from his little asshole. I went to the basement to try to wash it out & would check on him during the night to see if he moved back under this stool he had started laying under for 2 days. (That's how I knew he was starting to go down- didn't eat, didn't move from under the stool & couldn't walk without staggering for 2 days.)

I went in a few hours later & stared down at him still in the same place, his eyes were wide open like he was just staring, not blinking... I froze. I thought he was dead. I just stared, trying to see a sign of life. Then all of a sudden he mewed faintly trying to call to me & started to move, kneading his forelegs back & forth & his stomach started moving up & down quickly as he labored to breathe, he threw his head back twice, his tongue pushing all the way out both times. I wondered if it was like a seizure. I lightly petted his head & on down his back, told him I loved him & to go to the light, don't be afraid. I prayed to God to please help Panther since he was seeming to struggle & I called on Charlie (he'd been wonderful with his cats in recovery) & Roxie to come get him. I then went into the living room to watch TV with Boo Boo (I couldn't deal with it well & got scared). An hour later I went back in their room to check on him & I thought he was gone and went back upstairs to bed & finally slept.

In the morning when I went back in there, he looked the same as the night before, so he had definitely slipped away then as I thought. I felt disappointed with myself that I hadn't stayed with him in that final hour (it was around 0300-0400am.) I reasoned at the time that Panther would want privacy to make his transition. Big cop-out I know. Next time I'll take Boo Boo to the vet & I shall just wait longer than I did with Roxie so that it will be more obvious that the time is right. At least she will be in my arms when she passes. sigh. I am so broke, I really shouldn't have animals I can't afford to take care of them right. I just love them so much more than people. Perils of a Flight Attendant I guess.

Feeling guilty is always inevitable. Life is hard.
Thank you so much to those who wrote in with such kind words. xxoo

Valentines Day - the good & the bad

Valentine's day was Great!... Valentine's night - not so much.

When I got home from my last flight, Doris had a huge red heart balloon, red & pink tulips, & 2 great cards for me! I had 2 cards for her. Since VD was saturday we actually had an all day date! Saw 2 movies (The International which Doris liked & had lots of action & Shopaholic which I thought was fun, but the reviews stunk.)

Then we had dinner at Carinos & actually couldn't wait to get home, peel our clothes off, jump into bed & WATCH TV! ha! It was a great day, but truthfully like many other days we have... It's our thing- movies & dinner. It's a wonderful lifestyle if you ask me.

But then...
My big, beautiful black cat Panther died. He had been weak & could barely mew. I was going to take him into the vet to put him out of his misery sun morn, but he left us around 0400am. I was so sad, but relieved I didn't have to do that. God. No matter what or how, it's always terrible & such a loss.

Panther was old - 8 yrs old when we adopted him 14 yrs ago. So that's 22 yrs. Damn. He was such a great cat. And was huge (we called him Big Boy all the time). And funny. It took him years to allow us to pet him, & after Roxie passed away, (only 3 mos ago) he suddenly loved being held & wanted to be in my arms constantly. Perhaps he knew he was getting sick - I thought it was just that he was thrilled to not have a dog around anymore & now wanted total attention. Once again I have so much deep guilt for not taking better care of my animals. God I wish I had money.

At daylight I got up & went outback to dig a grave. I buried my sweet big boy Panther early in the morning, next to his sister Roxie. Now Boo Boo is the only kitty left. I hope she lives for a long, long time - I can't take much more. I'm relieved this dreadful day is over, but I miss my Pan Pan so badly. I so appreciate all the love he gave us thru out his life. I slept the rest of the day. Sigh.

The Never-Ending Battle

OMG. I've gained back 12 lbs in about a month. Shit. I know it's basically 'fear.' I know it's because of the plane ditching in the Hudson. Outwardly it doesn't look like it's affecting me because on the job I'm just regular - happy, perky, fast-working, funny & smiling. But this is how I really feel:
F U C K I T ! If I'm gona die, then let me eat what the hell I want.
And I have been. If I'm evacuating a plane, who the crap cares if I'm at my goal weight??? I'll just be glad I'm still alive.

Damn it to hell. At WW I can only loose 1 lb a week (if I'm vigilant) because at this age, I just can't get it off any faster. So if I buckle down & start now, that's 12 weeks, it will be at least May before I get this flubber back off my frame. And I will still weight 160lbs. (goal weight- the maximum I can weigh without paying the $14/week) Not the 172 lbs I topped off at yesterday's meeting. By May I thought I would have gotten down to 150 lbs.

I'm so disappointed in myself. I was doing so well, but now I'm not even making it to the gym. So clearly, I know what I have to do, it's just that I don't want to (quite frankly.) Do any of us EVER want to cut back on eating delicious food in mammoth portions??? Or move off the couch away from the TV? But oh well. That's what I gotta do. And the sooner the better before summer gets here & I look like I'm carrying a huge barrel in my mid-section underneath my swimsuit & tee-shirts. damn damn damn. It's SO annoying.

I just had 3 days off & spent each day in bed sleeping. Sometimes I'm just so tired from this job. (a little depressed maybe??) It did feel luxurious to get so much rest.

So today I'm flying out again & will definitely TRY to get back on the right path. Lord knows it's time to snap out of it.

More Movies!

I saw "MILK" yesterday! Wow, what a great piece of history! I was around for all that. (Minor detail - I was still living heterosexually- but boy was I gay friendly!) (Hmmm can't imagine why?!) Sean Penn was superb in presenting this documentary type movie. And it just really reminds us how MUCH hell folks had to go thru back in the day so that we can all have a modicum of equality & respect. What a great movie. I miss the 70's, we were all crazy & the music was the best! And damn, did the gay community of that time do a great job!

So today I saw "The Reader." Daaammmmnnn, whoa! I was all prepared to dislike it since it entails pedophilia which I abhor, but I have to say it was amazingly great,with beautiful cinematography & such an interesting story. WOW. I loved it. Winslet was damn good, but the actor who played 'the kid' was outrageously splendid. Kate Winslet was also great in 'Revolutionary Road' which wasn't elected for an Academy Award. (As a pasenger on one of my flights 2 years ago, she was rather pissy.) But I still say Meryl Streep in 'Doubt' & Brad Pitt in 'Benjamin Button' get my vote. Just did not see what the big hoopla was with "Slumdog Millionaire'? It was good but no better than the others. imo.

Now we also saw Pink Panther, He's Just Not Into You, & New In town which were mediocre at best, just so-so. But then I'll do anything for buttered movie popcorn, even go see crap.

Now we've seen about all the nominated movies (except the Barcelona one which isn't showing anywhere around anymore.) I am hoping I can get that Sunday off so I can see the Emmys. I will be SO annoyed if I can't watch it, & unfortunately I do have a trip that sun/mon. Darn darn darn.

Carolyn

I wrote this for my Texas high school's 60's website. Folks were writing in, reminiscing about yesteryear as we are prone to do from time to time the older we get. Carolyn's name came up & I was asked to write about her since she had mentored me thru hard times. I graduated in 1965.

Carolyn Deuback was in the class of '61 at RHS. Always the most beautiful girl next to anyone - anywhere she went, she was also the nicest, sweetest, kindest soul. Her brother Johnny was in our class, but I don't remember him graduating with us & I don't think he was in our Sr. year book, tho' he was in our Jr. pics, or if not in then definitely in our soph pics in '63. I would love to know what happened to him, I googled Deuback Skating Rink & saw there was a listing in Bowie Texas. (Where is that, I can't remember?) Their father's name was John Ed,& their mother's name was Peaches. They were always there, Mrs Deuback taking tickets & money behind the window at the front door & also serving candy & sodas from behind the counter. The partyroom was behind that with big, long tables & benches. Mr Deuback ran the rink calling the shots in the little electronic side booth (couples only. reverse directions. Threesomes. Girl's choice. etc) & he always skated around with a stern face keeping watch over us all with his whistle around his neck. It was hard to get a smile from him, he ran a tight ship.

At the old rink, the party room was in the back with wooden booths & I believe there was more of a menu to choose from to eat. They lived over a two car garage directly next to the rink. When there was a fire, Mr Deuback got badly burned trying to get the family out & his face was scared a bit from it, but was still handsome. As we all know, they rebuilt a new rink with a new, beautiful brick house directly next door & everybody was excited when they re-opened & we could go skate fri nights & sat afternoons & nights! It was always busy.

I started taking skating lessons from Carolyn in the 6th grade & talked my BFF Tina into joining me. We went every sat morning, staying thru the afternoon sessions & it was the most wonderful escape from my mundane, crazy emotional 11yr old life back then. For me, just holding Carolyn's hand skating in circles, taking her instructions, getting better, pleasing her & trying to be her 'best pupil,' & making her laugh gave me the best high. It got me thru the boring school weeks for years & I just could never get enough of her, I had such a humongous girl-crush. And she was very tolerant of my silliness & nervous giggling. She knew I idolized her, but then the truth is everybody did because she was such an amazing young beauty. She was always most popular in high school, head cheerleader, Miss RHS her Sr year, & went on to become Miss Richardson & placed in the top 10 in that yr's Miss Texas Pageant! The girl was GORGEOUS! And naturally so.

Of all the wonderful memories I have of Carolyn, these stand out;
Tina & I went to a RHS football game (it was so long ago it was at Greenville ave stadium, we were in the 7th grade) & Carolyn was cheering away with her big megaphone. We climbed to the top of the bleachers because there was no room anywhere else. Carolyn saw us, waved & motioned to come down to talk, I ran down (Tina was too shy) & we talked thru the chainlink fence for a minute till it was time for another cheer & I floated back up to my seat on cloud nine! I couldn't believe I had been acknowledged by her in front of all those older kids.

By the time I was 14, I got braces, took modeling lessons & started doing little modeling jobs, had been dancing at Buster Cooper's for a couple of years & was becoming a bit less gawky. Carolyn invited Tina & I to go along with her & her best friends Hellie & Shari to see the 'Miss Richardson' Pageant, drove by & picked us up in her old Ford & along we went with the big girls for a fabulous, exciting night, my GOD we were thrilled.

As we got older, Carolyn & I became more like friends. We would write when she went to NTSU & she always encouraged me in any endeavor I would do. I asked if she thought I should try out for Miss Richardson & she replied I always hoped you would. She gave me advice when I called & I was even once invited into the inner sanctum of her room when she showed me a dress she was going to wear for a big function & asked me what I thought. She surprised me the night of the Miss R pageant when she came behind the curtains to my dressing room to loan me a sweet golden necklace of hers to wear during the competitions for good luck! (Which meant more than I could ever say because my parents & brother weren't even there, were on vacation in Fla - never thought I could win) And when I did get the crown, she was the first one up on the stage throwing her arms around me saying I told you you could do it!

Carolyn got married to J.L. Lamb & when I visited her one afternoon that summer in their 1st little apartment she mentioned how they had such a great night listening to Ray Charles' new album. Shortly thereafter she became stricken with Guillain Barre Syndrome. I came home during my freshman year a SFA to see her once again in her bedroom next to the skating rink. This time she was in a hospital bed, her beautiful legs were but broomstick size & she had an oxygen tank. I told her I finally had a handsome boyfriend & she weakly replied I told you you would. I said I missed her & she said I miss you too. She couldn't breathe well & I left shortly thereafter because I didn't want to tax her, & I really didn't know how to handle it.

A cold winter day Tina's mother called her early in the morning while we were still sleeping in our dorm to say Carolyn had passed away. Tina woke me up & gently broke the news to me. It was sad & shocking that someone & beautiful & vibrant had been stricken down so young when she had so much to live for. It's been said 'only the good die young' & Carolyn was surely the higest of GOOD. For months I walked around in a haze & often would wonder into goves of trees & just talk to her in heaven. Friends thought I was going crazy, but they left me alone to grieve & work it out.

In looking back, Carolyn Deuback was one of the biggest influences of my young life. I truly loved her with all my heart & soul, just adored her totally. I treasure the memories. Hope this didn't bore you guys, I tried to cut it down so the stories wouldn't get tedious.

Got this meme from Sassy...

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?

Good Gawd, why did I cut my hair???

2. How much cash do you have on you?

$20

3. What’s a word that rhymes with DOOR?

BORE

4. Favorite planet?
VENUS since it's supposed to be romantic.

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
bill collector

6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone?
the Alleluia Chorus - it cracks me up.

7. What shirt are you wearing?
A longer sleep Tee shirt

8. Do you label yourself?
yep, Militant Bitch Dyke Feminist Flight Attendant

9. Name the brand of the shoes you're currently wearing?
Nikes before I took them off & crawled into bed. Ahhhhh.

10. Bright or dark room?

Bright. At this age I can't see that well in the dark anymore.

11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before y0u

Sassy- a great power of example- she lost SO much weight & has kept it off!

12. What does your watch look like?
It's a very nice Big gold man's watch & hangs loose on my arm.

13. What were you doing at midnight last night?
I fell asleep before CSI Miami was even over around 2230, because I'd been up since 0515 flying all day.

But usually I'm watching David Letterman in bed!

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say?
"Hey Twizzel, whaz up?"

15. Where is your nearest 7-11?
In the next town by route 22.

16. What is a word that you say a lot?
RATSHIT!

17. Who told you he/she loved you last?
Doris a few hours ago.

18. Last furry thing you touched?
Uhm, well....

19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days?
I've swallowed a shitload of Gas-x lately.

20. How many rolls of film do you need developed?
About 20. I just don't have the money.

21. Favorite age you have been so far?
The 40's were truly the best! Y'all enjoy it while it lasts, believe me it goes fast.

22. Your worst enemy?
chocolate. pasta. carbs. Buttered movie popcorn. hell, I'm a food addict.

23. What is your current desktop picture?
a turquoise & pink smear

24. What was the last thing you said to someone?
Oh my God, it's GOOD to lay down!

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be?
a fucking million, are you kidding? I already fly.

26. Do you like someone?
Yep, adore her.

28. The last song you listened to?
Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch

28. What time of day were you born?
adopted, don't know.

29. Favorite number?

13

30. Where did you live in 1987?

920 Beechwood Dr, Richardson, Texas

OMG! I thought this said 1967 - told you I can't see in the dark.

In '87 I lived on Christopher St. & Bleeker in Greenwich Village!

31. Are you jealous of anyone?

Yes. I am a very jealous person. Doris however is not.

32. Is anyone jealous of you?
Yes. People who aren't happy.

33. Where were you when 9/11 happened?
On my livingroom couch in a shocked stupor.

34. What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
Bang & shake the machine.

35. Do you consider yourself kind?
Sometimes I am. Sometimes I'm mean.

36. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?
I'd get a heart with Doris' name across it on my forearm above my wrist so when I'd serve a pasgr a drink & they said 'thank you Doris' I could say oh, I'm Gertrude - Doris is my lover!

37. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?

Spanish so I could impress my butch Latina friends.

38. Would you move for the person you loved?
Hell, I'm in Jersey aren't I???

39. Are you touchy feely?
Yes, but I control myself since it became politically incorrect.

40. What???s your life motto?
One day at a time, & This too shall pass...

41. Name three things that you have on you at all times.
Lipstick, debit card & a warm neck scarf in the winter.

42. What’s your favorite town/city?
NYC !! Most DEFINITELY. But I love L.A. too.

43. What was the last thing you paid for with cash?
A Bare Chicken Burrito at Baha Fresh.

44. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it?
Last week- birthday cards: Doris on the 20th, my best gay boyfriend I went crazy with during the 70's on the 21st, & my best friend growing up on the 23rd. For some reason I get along quite well with Aquarians. (okay- Im a Gemini for inquiring minds..)

45. Can you change the oil on a car?
Yes, but Doris always does it for me.

46. Your first love: what is the last thing you heard about him/her?

He married a woman who looks just like I did in the mid 60's when we were together.
…

47. How far back do you know about your ancestry?
Adopted. don't know.

48. The last time you dressed fancy, what did you wear and why did you dress fancy?
Black satin trousers, black sweater with small silver stones around the neck, with a black silk quilted zipper jacket with silver leopard print on the rolled back cuffs.- D's bday.

49. Does anything hurt on your body right now?
My damn right knee & butt cheek from the gym today.

50. Have you been burned by love?

aaah, Yeah. 4 times. 2 men, then 2 women. But I've been with Doris 27 yrs, it was worth all the hell to get here... Usually. (grin.)

I Surprised a Friend on her Honeymoon Flight

I have a friend from WW that got married & was going on her honeymoon. I trip traded so I could surprise Jen & work her flight to Lax!

She was REALLY surprised, too. I was able to have the agent put Rob & Jen in their own row, previously they had been sharing a row that didn't even have a window. I decorated it by taping little red cupid & heart streamers to their over head (no it didn't interfere with their oxygen mask compartment) & around their window. This caused Jen to crack up by the time they finally got there (they were in the last group called to board because they had 12DEF.)

Also, Edwin (a Flight Attendant in their cabin) & I had put the tray table by their window down, put a navy blue table cloth on it & put a big bottle of champagne with wine glasses, along with a Happy Honeymoon card signed by the whole crew with heart confetti on it. I'm not sure if they were happy or embarrassed, or probably both, but they had big smiles!

The coach crew offered them everything for free, but told me they didn't really want anything. During my FC service, I was able to rush back there with hot nuts, & later small fruit & cheese plates. I said well at least you can "see plate" to which she chuckled, this is true. (Our WW leader always tells us to "see plate" to not cover it all up with food.)

They were reading the Australia & New Zealand travel books she bought with the AmEx gift card we gave her from our ww group! And they slept a bit. After 6 hrs, we finally landed & off they went to the next leg of their Honeymoon trip to Australia (about 16 hrs-Lordie!) where they'll site-see for 3 days before taking a cruise to New Zealand!

It was great to be able to fly Jen & Rob to Los Angeles & fun to see them interact with each other. Jen is exquisitely beautiful & Rob is really adorable in person! They were very sweet with each other, low-key & cool. I can't wait to see pictures & hear about the rest of their adventure!

This is your local honeymoon reporter signing out....
They are lucky they can get married. Straight people just take this priveledge for granted.

Inauguration Day!

Jan 20th is Doris' birthday & she turned 73! Wow. She still looks so damn gorgeous, it is amazing. I tell ya, 'black don't crack,' it's true, & if black folks (Doris does not like the term "African American" - like Whoopi) don't get fat, they look SO YOUNG! Younger than me, that's for sure & I am 12 years younger than my honey. I do not look it. Even better, she is healthy & vibrant. It's a blessing.

Other than being given a couple million dollars, I don't think Doris could ask for any better birthday present than Barack Obama becoming president that day!!! It was SO exciting, & we watched the whole day on TV, laughing & crying on & off. It was beautiful.

Of course for Doris born in '36 & growing up thru so much prejudice & pain as a young black child & adolescent, then young adult single mother of 3 children working 2 & 3 jobs a day to make ends meet & getting paid less for the the same thing as the white girls, constantly being harassed for sex then being fired for resisting, etc - She never thought she would live to see this day!

As for me born in '47, growing up in the segregated south (Dallas & Richardson,) I definitely remember the 'colored only' water fountains & bathrooms & 'whites only' restaurants, & I was always supporting 'The Cause,' the black equality flight. And then of course there was the experience of getting kicked out of college in 1968 my Jr. year for dancing with a black student at a school dance...

Well needless to say we were both jubilant! President Obama! It was extraordinary to witness such a historical day in history on Tuesday, it was the most Excellent, Uplifting Wonderment! What a FABULOUS day, what a Great birthday for Doris!

Miracle On the Hudson

I was watching TV (Dr. Phil- it was almost over) so I saw the ditching saga from the beginning when all the channels started following that Capt glide that Airbus onto the surface of the Hudson River yesterday. Tears started pouring from my eyes, as the drama became all too real.

Ditchings are a whole other Emergency Landing that are enough to paralyze most psgrs with shock & fear. The beauty of the entire perfection of all involved (from the landing, to the evacuations, to the rescues) was beyond belief, better than most could ever imagine! I'd say everyone's Guardian Angels were working overtime!

As I pictured myself initiating that evacuation, I kept praying for those Flight Attendants to get everyone out in a fast, effective & safe manner. And clearly they did! Considering how terrifying the potential of immediate drowning is in such a situation, everyone was excellent, psgrs included.

All the rescuers were right there so quickly! And the gifted Capt was so Fabulous, a true artist - believe me there is ALOT to be said for experience - I always feel better when my pilots are oldies but goodies...(dare I mention he is still younger than me.) That goes for Drs, cops, -everyone, give me workers with experience under their belt.

Incidentally, we are all supposed to go down the fuselage after an evacuation to make sure everyone has gotten out, the Capt included.

I am so proud of that Flight Crew! Well done colleagues!
Thank you God.


.

Movie Reviews

Flash bulletin!:
Gran Torino is a great movie!
I didn't care much about seeing that wrinkly ass Clint Eastwood so much, but Doris did. So I went because I knew we'd see Not Easily Broken (by TD Jakes) afterwards which is what I wanted to see.
Well... Gran Torino is so interesting & I really loved it! Eastwood IS Good! Just the truth- years of experience I guess. It was about predjudice basically, & he being an Archie Bunker type after Asians moved into & took over his neighborhood. And his evolving out of the darkness of ignorance. Excellent!

Not Easily Broken ? - Well it was an okay 'chick flick' type movie. If I had seen it BEFORE the other, Im sure I would have loved it. But it paled in comparison. I always want to support 'black movies' & it did have a good message. But I kept falling asleep by then... Still it was good, so see it & decide for yourself.

And now, I'm watching 2 soaps then going to work out at the gym.


.

I got nothin'.

Okay, I gotta make this quick because I'm flying out in 6 hrs & have to start the make-up spackeling shortly. Not to mention try to tidy up some of my shit-piles around here before I leave. Gawd, I HATE cleaning, I'm just so lame at it. And I hate putting on make-up too, but unfortunately my days of au naturel beauty have just plain vanished. What the fuck ever.

I only gained .2 lbs at WW weigh-in last night. Plus it was great to see everybody after all the holiday vacations. I tell ya, meetings make a huge difference in weight-loss even though they are always such a pain in the butt. LUCKILY the leader is motvating & has a good sense of humor. One needs to laugh to get thru life.

Speaking of which, I just finished reading eb's recent banana rant. Now She's a damn nut, I mean RIOT. Made me chortle. Deborah's remark, too. and Val's. Ahhh. It's SO nice to have blog buddies to take your mind off of shit piles.

Thanks Y'all.

More Movies!

Yesterday we went to Doubt! What a movie! God, Meryl Streep is in a class by herself! She was fabulous, & Amy Adams too! If any of you went, tell me what you thought. I REALLY liked it. Yikes.

Afterwards, walked into the last half of Valkerie. yuck. Not so much. Not my thing. Too bad they failed in killing Hitler, tho'. Glad I didn't see the whole movie.

Stopped off at the Olive Garden for Chicken Marsala! (Hadn't been in years, as I hated the olive Garden, thought it was crappy Italian food.) But I do love the chix Marsala there now.

Now I have to get ready to fly out to lax this evening. I've had a lot of time off & I really don't want to go back. But I am so damn broke. At least my crazy, fun friend is on the flight, too bad we can't dress as elves again today.

I want to retire. Dammit.

New Year's Day

New Year's Day we went to see The Curious Case of Benjamin Buttons. It was very good, except no one had warned me that it is THREE hrs long. It is very long, My butt got sore. Hey, maybe I'm loosing too much weight & becoming a scrawnybutt! Not.

In fact my new years resolutions are:
1. Loose 10 more lbs so I don't have to use that damn extra 50lb weight on the Dr's scale at the health club to get to 160lbs.
2. Exercise more.
3. Try to complain less.
4. Meditate more.

After the movie Doris & I had dinner at Carino's. We had Skilletini's which are pasta noodles, chicken & sausage with garlic! mmmm MMM! Well so much for the 1st resolution. I did go work out at the gym this morning,tho.

And I took down the outside Christmas lights. It's always sad the 1st night after the holidays that you don't light them up anymore. sigh. I shall keep up the Xmas tree downstairs until after Doris' Birthday (I always do.) Which just so happens to coincide with Obama's inauguration this year! Yea!

New Year's Eve

I Didn't want to do it. I didn't want to go to church on New Years Eve with Doris. I'm sick of going to church on New Year's Eve. Old people go to church on New Year's Eve. I was content to just stay at home in our warm cuddly bed & watch the ball drop on TV. But Doris didn't want that. She was bound & determined to go to church. With her sister. Pain in the butt. All they ever want to do; go to church & funerals. They are definitely getting old. No question. I was so sad. If I stayed home & did what I wanted & she went with her dang sister & did what she wanted- did that mean we were definitely headed for a breakup after all these years? That's how it felt. Aren't you supposed to WANT to be with your lover on New Years Eve when the clock strikes midnight, of all times? Felt like we are just so far appart now. Like why are we even together?

So I finally gave in (after she yelled at me that all I ever do is complain complain complain.) And you know what? It was great! The music was great, the sermon was great, I enjoyed it. And afterwards we went to a diner for breakfast. It was a good New Years eve.

A Great Recipe for the New Year

A GREAT RECIPE for the New Year...

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It
Is the ultimate anti-depressant.

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Talk to God about
What is going on in your life.

3. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, 'My
Purpose is to__________ today. I am thankful for______________'

4. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that
Is manufactured in plants.

5. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, broccoli,
Almonds & walnuts.

6. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

7. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues
Of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead
Invest your energy in the positive present moment.

8. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a
College kid with a maxed out charge card.

9. Life isn't fair, but it's still good..

10. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

11. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

12. You are not so important that you have to win every argument.
Agree to disagree.

13. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

14. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their
Journey is all about.

15. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

16. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years,
Will this matter?'

17. Forgive everyone for everything.

18. What other people think of you is none of your business.

19. GOD heals everything - but you have to ask Him.

20. However good or bad a situation is , it will change.

21. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends,
Will. Stay in touch!!!

22. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

23. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: I
Am thankful for__________. Today I accomplished_________.

24. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

25. When you are feeling down, start listing your many blessings.
You'll be smiling before you know it.

author unknown

Feeling much better

Yea! I'm better now! Guess it was a 24hr flu/virus. Phew! glad that's over with. When I was feeling so ill I put in for pvd's for my trip on the 30/31st thinking I would be too sick to work. Well they came thru so I will not have to be working that flight coming back on New Year's eve! Hooray!

I weighed in down 1.4 lbs at WW today. So that is a good result in being to sick to eat for 2 days. But Now I am again ravenous. Dang. Eating is so much fun. Why can't it just be like housework? I'd never be fat.

I accomplished a lot today, - besides going to WW, I picked up milk & eggs at Trader Joes, ordered the alloted uniform replacement items from my company, went to the dentist, & then to Lenscrafters, & took out the trash. (Trying to get all the deadlines met with insurance, etc by the end of the year!)

And NOW I think I'll SLEEP!
yeah.

I'm SICK

OMG! I ATE so much food at Christmas dinner last night.
I went back for seconds.
Good thing I didn't go back for thirds.
Phew!
Today I'm sick.
Guess it serves me right. - I had NO control.
I feel like throwing up,
& woke up with the runs.
What is this a flu or virus???
I felt fine last night, I just thought the home we were in was freezing & couldn't take off my coat for a while. But I didn't feel sick at all.
Wow.
What a bummer.
I am laying in bed for now.
I wonder how long this sick feeling is gona last.
Blaaa.

Happy Holidays! KMae (on R) & flying partner Garland dressed as Elfs Christmas Eve

better now

Okay, I'm better now. Boy was I mad. I've moved on to worrying about Doris' grandson Davion who is stuck in Ohio without any money,trying to get the car he just bought fixed, insurance, license plates & gas to drive to Pa where he just graduated from school to pick up his clothes then drive to NJ. So he called Doris for help because nobody else will give him any money. We have a $400 gas/electric bill from last month we have to pay. I barely scraped together money for the mortgage & am on my own until the next paycheck on the 30th. I worry along with Doris that cops & highway patrol could fuck with young Davion on his way home... For those that don't know they really mess with black kids on the highways. And everywhere else for that matter.

Real Loving. Not.

Good grief, it's been awhile since my last entry.

I've just been working. hard. alot.
Basically I've been good.
But now I'm broke because I spent too much this month, so that's depressing. Then, I came merrily home from my flight last night just to find out Doris took Roxie's crate out of the pet's room & threw it out back.

I was crushed. Heartbroken. PISSED. IRATE. PHSYCOTIC. I had told her I'd do it when I felt ready to let it go, I had taken comfort in it & her little toys & bowl inside. I know it's nutty. But I'd been doing so well since that fateful day on nov 10, I didn't want to rock the boat.

Now I've been a raging lunitic all night & day, & then had a bit of a meltdown in the bank today when I found there was no money in one of my saving's account. (I had $89 in one & found out it was below some kind of limit, thus the bank had taken out $4 ea month for SO long there was only $17 left in it.) Plus I was scraping the bottom to get the mortgage paid this month. So I told the teller 'it wouldn't be so bad if my girlfriend wasn't such a shit.' Then the tears started to fall, I told her 'my dog died & she threw out her cage' then I started to ball.

She handed me THREE kleenex's which made me laugh "do you keep these back there for people who find out they have no money left?' We laughed. Then I had to stand in another line to close that damn savings account where I just cried more & more into the kleenex. Another teller across the floor said, 'Kathy are you okay?' I nodded yes & kept crying. Man, I just lost it. Thank God I wasn't on the plane. Damn.

So Doris & I aren't getting along last night & today. We're yelling, screaming at each other. We normally don't do well in Dec because of her son & other relatives coming here. But that hasn't even happened yet. So wish me luck. If we come apart in the next two or so weeks I won't be surprised. Right now if she walked out the door, I'd be fine. Buhbye!

Not.

I am pissed & hurt. She thinks she's done nothing wrong. Technically I suppose she hasn't, but how can she not know this would set me off? She just didn't care. Probably wanted it out to make room for her damn visiting deadbeat son & the others. They can all go to hell. Together.

Do NOT fill out any invitation from ME to join REUNION

OH My GOD. I was sent an invitation to join some kind of reunion list by a Flight Attendant that I really respect, so I didn't think twice about responding to it & trying to join. But it didnt work when I clicked on the tabs, so I just deleted it. NOW, everyone on MY email list is getting this same invitation to join so this is some kind of hoax or VIRUS maybe to get email names. I am mortified & don't know what to do about it.

The person I got the email from told me to write:
AAA
AAA
AAA
in my email address book contacts WITHOUT ANYTHING in the email address line & I have tried this, but I'm afraid it's too late.
I am SO sorry if this happens to you.

November Miracles

Doris was sheding a few tears thinking about Roxie's eyes just looking at her like, "HELP ME..." that day. Oh God. Now I'm haunted by that. I had just about talked myself into thinking she was alright making the transistion to heaven. But I guess my gut reaction was right, she felt betrayed & didn't understand. Oh God. My heart feels heavy. I did a horrible thing. Man. And just when I was starting to feel so much better. Bummer. sigh.

However I have to admit that Nov did bring some miracles. More miracles than usual in one month.

1: A big, 4 story high tree fell into the neighbor's tree & they took us to court because we didn't think it was our tree & we had NO money to take it down. The judge was nice to us & gave us time to try to get money together. I had never been in court before, so I had been so scared & nervous. But I suddenly knew things would be okay when walking to the court house door I saw about 20 sparrows hopping around on the grass & immediately thought of the song "His Eye Is On The Sparrow So I Know He's Watching Me." That judge was So kind. A miracle.

2: After huge quotes from $1500 to $4000 to take the tree down, God sent us a man who only charged $500.
A miracle.

3: There were holes in our roof & after huge quotes from $9000 to 10,000 God sent us roofers who only charged around $3400. A huge miracle.

4: After having to go back to court for the tree & neighbors, the judge said we didn't have to come back after Doris told him the tree had been removed. She meant it was removed from the neghbor's yard, Im afraid when the housing officer comes to check on it & sees all these huge 'tree turds' laying around in our back yard we might get in trouble for not removing those from OUR yard. Never-the-less we got to leave the court after only one hour & told we didn't have to come back. another miracle!

4. The telephone technition just showed up out of the blue on a SUNDAY of all days when he wasn't supposed to be there until the fri after Thanksgiving! A HUGE miracle! Plus - this guys ended up knowing us from church & didn't charge us the $300 we would have had to pay. Wow. Another huge miracle.

5: And lastly, I had to go back to work (I have been on vacation - yeah great vacation, huh?) on a 3 day trip yesterday with 2 legs a day, in coach on a crappy super 80. It was a Houston/Phoenix layover - flying back home to Ewr on the busiest day of the year before Thanksgiving. Ugh. Well, we were so delayed on the 1st leg, the 1st day that when we got to Chicago we missed our connection that night for Houston... So they ended up deadheading us to LGA & limo-ing us over to our cars in Ewr & NOT reassigning us, thus we have the next 2 days off!!! WHAT??? Never in 40 years had I gotten such a break at work! ANOTHER true miracle!!! WOW, amazing!

And in looking back it's a miracle that God brought us thru loosing Roxie 15 days ago, as well as all this other confusion. And if God was so merciful to us, surely God was as merciful & loving to Roxie if not more. We are truly blessed. Outside of having to put Roxie to sleep, this was the best November ever! I've been so down, I think I'll try to make a gratitude list each month from now on.

The Verizon Tech Fixed Our Landline!

OMG! Our phone landline was out of commission for 5 days, but it SEEMED like way over a week! I thought I would die without my computer, dANG! I am so happy to have the phone back, just using my cell was a drag. Ahh, the small things in life! Thank you God.

staying strong... sorta

It has helped me immensely to go to a website of people grieving for their pets who have gone to heaven. I don't feel so alone in my sadness & sorrow.
And Many friends have sent me their love, courage, wisdom & strength. They have counseled me greatly, each in their own way.
Here are 4 'poems' friends sent to me that helped....


The Last Battle



If it should be that I grow frail and weak

And pain should keep me from my sleep,

Then will you do what must be done,

For this -- the last battle -- can't be won.

You will be sad I understand,

But don't let grief then stay your hand,

For on this day, more than the rest,

Your love and friendship must stand the test.

We have had so many happy years,

You wouldn't want me to suffer so.

When the time comes, please, let me go.

Take me to where to my needs they'll tend,

Only, stay with me till the end

And hold me firm and speak to me

Until my eyes no longer see.

I know in time you will agree

It is a kindness you do to me.

Although my tail its last has waved,

From pain and suffering I have been saved.

Don't grieve that it must be you

Who has to decide this thing to do;

We've been so close -- we two -- these years,

Don't let your heart hold any tears.
-----------------------------------------------------------
A Living Love


If you ever love an animal, there are three days in your life you will always remember....

The first is a day, blessed with happiness, when you bring home your young new friend.
You may have spent weeks deciding on a breed. You may have asked numerous opinions of many vets, or done long research in finding a breeder. Or, perhaps in a fleeting moment, you may have just chosen that silly looking mutt in a shelter--simply because something in its eyes reached your heart. But when you bring that chosen pet home, and watch it explore, and claim its special place in your hall or front room--and when you feel it brush against you for the first time--it instills a feeling of pure love you will carry with you through the many years to come.

The second day will occur eight or nine or ten years later.
It will be a day like any other.
Routine and unexceptional. But, for a surprising instant, you will look at your longtime friend and see age where you once saw youth. You will see slow deliberate steps where you once saw energy. And you will see sleep when you once saw activity. So you will begin to adjust your friend's diet--and you may add a pill or two to her food. And you may feel a growing fear deep within yourself, which bodes of a coming emptiness. And you will feel this uneasy feeling, on and off, until the third day finally arrives.

And on this day--if your friend and God have not decided for you, then you will be faced with making a decision of your own--on behalf of your lifelong friend, and with the guidance of your own deepest Spirit. But whichever way your friend eventually leaves you--you will feel as alone as a single star in the dark night.

If you are wise, you will let the tears flow as freely and as often as they must. And if you are typical, you will find that not many in your circle of family or friends will be able to understand your grief, or comfort you.

But if you are true to the love of the pet you cherished through the many joy-filled years, you may find that a soul--a bit smaller in size than your own--seems to walk with you, at times, during the lonely days to come.

And at moments when you least expect anything out of the ordinary to happen, you may feel something brush against your leg--very very lightly.

And looking down at the place where your dear, perhaps dearest, friend used to lay--you will remember those three significant days. The memory will most likely to be painful, and leave an ache in your heart--As time passes the ache will come and go as if it has a life of its own.
You will both reject it and embrace it, and it may confuse you. If you reject it, it will depress you. If you embrace it, it will deepen you. Either way, it will still be an ache.

But there will be, I assure you, a fourth day when--along with the memory of your pet--and piercing through the heaviness in your heart--there will come a realization that belongs only to you. It will be as unique and strong as our relationship with each animal we have loved, and lost. This realization takes the form of a Living Love--like the heavenly scent of a rose that remains after the petals have wilted, this Love will remain and grow--and be there for us to remember. It is a love we have earned. It is the legacy our pets leave us when they go. And it is a gift we may keep with us as long as we live. It is a Love which is ours alone. And until we ourselves leave, perhaps to join our Beloved Pets--it is a Love we will always possess.

------------------------------------------
A Dog’s Plea


Treat me kindly, my beloved friend, for no heart in the World
Is more grateful for kindness that my loving heart.
Do not break my spirit with a stick, for though I would lick your hand between blows,
your patience and Understanding will more quickly teach me the things you Want me to learn.


Speak to me often, for your voice is the world’s sweetest Music, as you know by the fierce wagging of my tail when Your footstep falls upon my waiting ear.
I ask no greater joy than the privilege Of sitting at your feet beside the hearth.

Feed me good food, that I may stay well, to play and hunt
and do your bidding, to walk by Your side,
and stand ready, willing and able to protect you with my life, should your life be in danger.


And, my friend, when I no longer enjoy good health,
Do not make heroic efforts to keep me going.
I am not having any fun.
I shall leave this earth knowing With the last breath I draw,
That my fate was always safest in your hands.

In Memory of Roxie
A Good Friend—A Good Ol’ Dog

The Creation
When God had made the earth and sky
the flowers and the trees,
He then made all the animals
the fish, the birds and bees.

And when at last He'd finished
not one was quite the same.
He said, "I'll walk this world of mine
and give each one a name."

And so He traveled far and wide
and everywhere He went,
a little creature followed Him
until it's strength was spent.

When all were named upon the earth
and in the sky and sea,
the little creature said, "Dear Lord,
there's not one left for me."

Kindly the Father said to him,
"I've left you to the end.
I've turned my own name back to front
and called you dog, My friend."
Author Unknown

One Week Has Gone By

It's Monday. Last Monday we took Roxie to the Animal Hospital & tearfully bid her goodbye. A whole week has gone by & time is finally starting to help. That & seeing Roxie here & there. God, I miss her. But a few friends have helped me get thru the self-torture of guilt & remorse altho'... there are still moments. I am only crying once or twice a day now & that's a vast improvement. But I think I should continue to let myself cry more. Once I started trying to squelch my grief & tears, I started breaking out in itchy bumps again (eczema.)
sigh.
I swear to God... If it ain't one thing, it's another.

I Finally Saw Roxie!

So it finally happened today! Roxie came by to spend some time with me. It was wonderful & a total surprise how it happened.

First I drove to the Flee Market & Charlie showed up sitting next to me, holding Roxie in his lap. He said, "I told you she was okay, see?" It was so great. He laid her down in the front seat & climbed in the back. This of course was in my mind - that's how it comes.. Just thoughts out of the blue.

Okay next, I went to the gym & was walking on the treadmill watching the HGTV channel with headphones. Suddenly Roxie was walking on the treadmill next to me - like when we would walk down the street, just so nonchalantly. It made me smile.

Next I was doing the breast stroke in the small pool with a noodle under my arms & suddenly, there was Roxie swimming next to me - sailing thru the water, smoothly with no effort like a dang bird-dog! That was so wierd, because she never swam before, never walked on a treadmill either for that matter.

Lastly she showed up in the steam room, just laying up on the shelf next to me. I was like 'Roxie, Roxie, Roxie!!!' She gave me the message that she would be with me whenever I need her, don't worry. She was calm, quiet, loving & peaceful. It was SO GREAT! I feel better now.

Yeah, I know I'm crazy. But I do have this gift now & then! Everybody has it, actually. You just have to quiet yourself & let it come.

Still Guilty

I am trying to get better, (ie happier... ha!) I'm just sad. And SO damn guilty. I THINK I BROKE MY DOG'S HEART. She trusted me, & here I was holding her on my lap while Doris drove us to the Animal Hospital to end her life. She started shaking like a leaf - she had NEVER done that before. She must have been so scared & confused. I KNOW she didn't want to die. I doubt she was ready. It shouldn't have been "her time." I just couldn't make her better & I saw her getting worse. She didn't want to eat much, she had started to 'stagger' when she walked & moved slow, & she started to loose her balance when she stooped to poop. But she didn't whine, or cry, or act like she was in pain yet. I have no money, I couldn't afford to have tests done, biopsies taken from all her lumps or the softball-sized lump coming out of her side, or surgery. She tried to be so good when we walked into the Vet, & when I put her on my lap on the couch. She leaned against my chest & couldn't look at me again. I don't know if she was looking at Doris, she was facing her sitting next to me. Doris & I were both hysterical, so I guess maybe Roxie tried her best to be a good dog so we wouldn't be upset. Oh my God, I think we broke her heart by forcing her to die that sunny afternoon. It should have been a beautiful day.

And why didn't I feel her spirit when it left her body? I thought I would. Why can't we communicate together now? Charlie has come & told me Roxie is just fine, she's great, stop worrying. (Charlie is an old ex-boyfriend that passed on & drops in now & then, & also leaves me pennies here & there, & often chatters up a storm in the car on the way to the airport...but sometimes he just sits in the back seat with his berret on, leather jacket & jeans. enjoying the ride.) ( My Parents often drive with me to & from the airport Daddy on my left, Mother on my right & also sometimes Giboney rides (a friend from a rap group that passed) along. Sometimes they are all there & it gets really crowded. ) Also when my cousin Eleanore passed she came to visit so I would call her daughter & tell her some things. You can imagine how her daughter took that - she thinks I'm a bonafide nut! Eleanore leaves me shiney dimes now & then.

Anyway... because I have a touch of the 'Gift' I thought for sure Roxie would be able to talk to me. So far I have only smelled her here & there, which is suspect because Im still wearing the clothes & jacket/scarf I had on that day & her smell is still in the house. But Anyway---

I just feel SO guilty, she was so innocent & trusted me & I had her killed. I don't know if I can forgive myself for this one.

I Just Feel So Guilty

I have felt a bit better the past 3 days, but then it comes back & hits like a bee sting to the heart. Well, that's some of the time.
The other time it's like a gushing STAB wound to the heart. The heart... what a fragile organ. (Which reminds me, I didn't take my Lipator today.)

Sometimes it's like a bolt of lightening to the soul or maybe a hatchet to the brain.

I'll be feeling better (usually EATING, stuffing my gut or escaping my sorrows with some other ungodly addiction (shopping)) & maybe even begin to attempt a chuckle here, a chortle there, and then
KaPOW!

The old grinding, empty gut ache returns along with remembering bereavement & loss.

Like walking along thru life just fine & then that sharp, knawing pain of arthritis suddenly grips a limb when the weather turns damp... & oh yeah "I have arthritis now..." you remember new pain.

The torment & suffering returns.

Ah yeah, the pain of reality, or more to the point the agony of death.

God, what a DRAG.

But today was better.
Until now...
Until the dark.

Isn't that always the way?

Had a Few Laughs Today

I had a full day & kept busy, trying not to obsess over my little Roxie so much. Went to the airport to pickup a check from my credit union savings, emptied it out.

Then to medical to get a flu shot. (YEA! I finally did it, always need a flu shot - I'm around so many cootiefied people, plus I'm a weakling in the stamina & resistance department.)

Deposited the check in my bank, then payed the mortgage. (Phew, that's done this month.)

Then we went to see the new dumbass James Bond movie, have no idea WHAT the hell it was even about. But it did occupy my mind with that huge screen of car crashes, plane crashes & other mundane violence. The butter popcorn was great tho' & man, did I stuff down my feelings.

Then returned a baby stroller for twins (somebody bought & supreme "cadillac" version for $300, so my little $100 Jeep brand which I was so excited about in the beginning had to go back.) Baby showers are such a bore.

Bought instead a bunch of newborn baby clothes, & then of course what else?- TWO large evening bag clutches for all the inagural balls & other fancy occasions I'll never go to! Maybe I'll use one at the next high school reunion dinner in 2010! (Gee hope I'm still alive.) smile.

But if I kick the bucket before then, at least I know my little Roxie Moto will be there to great me when I come thru the light!

I thought I was getting better, but maybe not!

Yesterday I surrounded Roxie's grave with gray bricks, bought so many stones, & pretty baubles & spread them all over the middle, put 2 black & white small statues by the side of her head (to symbolize us, & 2 black & white cat statues (to symbolize Boo Boo & Panther), a sign that said "Angel" at the head, & her name in white letters at the bottom of her feet. Then I put a big, heavy cross (about 1 1/2 ft) at the top & laid a wooden cross across the middle.

Today I got up early & went out collecting Huge rocks from the creek to put around the bricks because the bricks don't look that great. I may take them out. Doris is going to shit when she sees the grave. She is already getting over this & told me to stop crying last night because my eyes are constantly all red & puffy. And she is starting to get rather annoyed today when I bring Roxie up & get upset.

I think I am getting better, sort of. I didn't cry ALL day today, just some times. It's sort of like waves. I miss her. She was so sweet. I was the world's worst mother. I'll always have guilt over it. It's a good thing I never had babies, don't know HOW the flying moms do it being gone so much. Doris has to take care of the animals when I'm on a trip & always resented it. Still, she was always good to them & they all adore her so much. That's why I was shocked when she cried so much at the time we had to let Roxie go, & seemed to be taking it worse than I was. So I don't understand how she can be over it so soon because I really feel so stuck in mourning.

It's so hard to believe Roxie was here & alive 4 days ago, & then later that day she was gone. It's weird but I still feel a need to go out at night to 'walk the dog,' which I did do tonight even in the pouring rain. All the little spots she liked to stop, all the big piles of leaves she'd trot thru & sniff around to see what other dogs had left their mark that day... And believe it or not, I think I can still smell her all the time. I may just be crazy, but possibly she may be coming around to check on us. I hope so.

Please forgive me Roxie, for not taking better care of you, for not loving you as well as I should have. For not giving you more time & attention. You were such a precious, shining ray of love & abounding energy. And such a good, good baby thru to the end. I'm sorry I broke down on you at the animal hospital, I had wanted to be strong but it was impossible. It must have been so confusing for you. God I hope your passing wasn't horrendous, I am so sorry I put you thru that. I just didn't know what to do, Roxie... I just didn't know & so I went on auto-pilot. You tried so hard to please us, even to the bitter end as you just laid in my arms & finally waited for your fate. I hope you know I did it out of love. I don't think I can ever get over it. I'm so sorry, my little brave princess, my sweet baby angel.

I feel so grateful that Roxie was our dog. I remember the 1st time I saw her at the pet store, such a tiny little silver peanut. I ran home immediately to tell Doris because she had mentioned at times that she'd wanted a Schnauzer. We went the next day & they got her down & put her in the private viewing room with us, she ran up to me & tried to jump up into my lap with her short little puppy legs, I gathered her up into my arms & tears just begain pouring from my eyes. She was a present for Doris, but I loved her the most.

Guilt & Remorse

Dogs are so wonderful.
I just don't think I'm going to get another one.
Can't take it.

I'll always have a couple of cats, however.
They're just easier.
Boo Boo misses Roxie, but Panther could care less & is probably glad to have "the DOG" out of the house. They all shared a room together altho Roxie slept in her 'crate' at night... which they used to go into when she was out, drink her water &/or just lay there. (Guess grass is always greener on the other side, even to the critters.)

I've been crying all day on & off. I feel like a murderer, I had never had an animal put to sleep before & I really dont think she wanted to die. I feel like I betrayed her, like I was her Judas. She tried to rally in the end, leading us as we were walking into the building, -even tho' she was shaking in my lap on our way in the car. God, it was terrible.

I think she was sad she didn't feel well, & had stopped wanting to eat (this was monumental as she ate everything in site - one reason she stayed in her big cage at night,) had a tumor the size of a softball growing out of her side as well as smaller lumps all over her body, & finally - her back legs were getting so weak they would cave in when she'd stoop to poop, & she would walk slow & wobbly. She was starting to show these signs of illness, but I don't think she was in much pain yet - which is another reason I feel SO guilty... I took her out before all the pain hit & maybe she wasn't ready yet. I really don't think she was ready.

She looked at me with these dark brown, forlorn eyes in the end like she was thinking "Why?" God, it was so terrible, I was hysterically crying telling her I loved her so much, that she was the best doggie in the whole world & I was so sorry, that heaven would be wonderful & she'd see Jesus & my mother would be there to meet her (come to think of it, maybe I shouldn't have said that, but my mother always loved her dogs, so I was calling on her to help..) as I held her in my lap so close, stroking her head while the kind Dr shot 2 seditives into her vein & then the final shot that did her in. 3 needles. Doris was right next to me sobbing, telling Roxie she loved her, & petting her warm limp body,... she was thinking Rah Rah was looking at her, but she wasn't - she was already gone.
I couldn't tell either - I thought I would feel her spirit leave, or her body just drop or change, or draw her last breath, but she just still felt so warm & heavy leaning against me, just docile trying to please us even in the end. I know she was scared. Oh my GOD.

It seemed all so peaceful even though I felt wracked with such a storm of guilt & remorse. How could I do such a thing to the sweetest little girldog ever? I was such a terrible mother, if only I'd had more money, enough to take better care of her, to afford more Dr's & operations to prolong her life. I don't even know what was wrong with her, because that last time I took her in for shots, I told the Dr I couldn't afford the blood tests or exploratory surgery, & didn't want to mess with her since she was still bouncing around with the energy of a puppy & wasn't acting sick or in pain. Now looking back that was only the beginning of last summer...

We wrapped her up in the towel they put in my lap & a clean, white sheet we'd brought & carried her out to the car, both of us sobbing on the way home. Doris started digging a little grave in the back yard under the trees, by the creek where Roxie use to run & play. I joined in trying to help her, the ground was so hard & cold. We gently laid her to rest & then covered her with the earth & falling leaves. I circled the grave with big rocks & stones, set a big angel up at the right side of where the top of her head would be & layed branches in the shape of a cross in the middle. I was so sad. It was the worst day of my life ever.

The Saddest Day of My Life

Today my partner & I had to put down our precious Roxie. She was such a gorgeously handsome, black & silver (salt & pepper) Schnauzer & we had her for about 12 years. Maybe 13. She was divinely classy as she trotted along with her head held high when we took her for her nightly walks, & she was very gentle & friendly towards children along the street. She was fiercely protective whenever someone came near our home & would bark ferociously at the top of her lungs as if she could tear them to pieces. She adored us & was such a good little Roxie Moto, loving us unconditionally as doggies always seem to do. She was the perfect dyke dog because she was beautiful, but TOUGH with an attitude! God, I loved her! Doris loved her too, & Roxie loved us back with all her sweet little heart & soul. What a precious baby, our angel dog. Rest in Peace Roxie Moto, we'll never be the same without you.

11/4/08

OMG!!!! OMG!!!!

OBAMA WON!!!! IT'S PRESIDENT-ELECT OBAMA!!!
I am SO Excited!

HOOOOORRRAAAAAYYYY!!! Yipee!
I can NOT believe it.

I wanted to celebrate with Doris, but she was busy on the phone with her Grandaughter. I was downstairs & Tiffany called her, i heard her talking & said "Did he win? did he win?" She just ignored me. I ran up the steps & said did he WIN??? She said yes, but kept talking to Tiffy. I felt hurt. I had fantasized about us jumping up & down, screaming & hugging - But- it wasn't to be.
I felt hurt. And alone.

But I got over it.
We laid in bed listening to his acceptance speech, tears running down our cheeks. Afterwards we hugged & kissed. It was all good.

BARACK OBAMA, our 1st black president! (I was pissed Texass voted McCain - why was I surprised?? God, I'm glad I got out!) I'm happy I have lived to see this day!

Flying Out Again Today & Back on Halloween

I have been SO busy flying (just started my 41st year!), PLUS I had to go to DFW for recurrent training (we have to go thru it every year for the FAA to keep up our flying credentials) (evacuating airplanes, opening window exits, putting out fires, reviewing medical proceedures, working defibrilators & doing mmr/ccc, etc). It is grueling & exhausting & boring & we all dread it. Then I had to fly again the next 2 days... Shit man, I am pooped.

I am staying in bed all day today, catching up on my email & favorite blogs.... ah ecstacy! That is until I have to get up & go to my favorite Weight Watchers meeting... which I shall be up 1 or 2 lbs because i ate butter popcorn at the movies yesterday (The Secret Life of Bees - great! And W - also great) AND Chinese food afterwards. Man it is SO hard to fight weight gain. I have the propensity to be a giant blimp. Crap.

God I hope Obama wins. I don't trust middle America, tho. They're all so stupid. (and I of course am just such a Mensa, - HA!....... (NOT.)

I can't find my witches hat & cape for halloween... I'm flying back from Lax that day & always cause quite a stir as I pull my wheels thru the terminal with that big ole pointy hat (with feathers around the edges) & black cape flying thru the breeze. I even have a short broom to go with my ensemble. Now, where did I put that damn costume???

Movies & Butter Popcorn, Yea!

Ye Gads, it snowed in Jersey yesterday! DANG. Big ole flakes fallin' down with the pouring rain. So weird. And freezing cold! I am not ready.

So, went to the movies... Saw 'The Secret Life of Bees' which was wonderful, don't know why it didn't get better reviews. And 'W' which was also really good, I was surprised I liked it. When I see movies of Texas it tugs at my heartstrings since I grew up there. Good thing I escaped.

We have a website for our Texas high school 60's grads, but right now most everyone is talkin trash about Obama & voting for McCain. So scarey. Middle America is so stupid. Really. There are so many people that think Pallin is "just darling" & Obama is a muslim/terrorist. Give me a fuckin' break, it's enough to make you hurl.

Can't wait for tue to come, God I hope Obama wins.

A Sad Situation

Went to Delaware to see an ex-girlfriend of Doris' who has come down with Lou Gerhig's Disease. It is terrible. She can't walk, she can't talk, she can't eat - she chokes on all food, she constantly drools, & she cries all the time. (totally understandable.) There is no cure & it supposedly only gets worse. Now THAT's depressing.

This is a woman who used to be fat, a great cook, & a food addict. Between 200-300lbs. When she 1st lost her motor skills we thought she had a stroke from her obesity & bad eating habits. It is so scary.

I am grateful I am working to get a grip on my weight thru WW & all my friends there. I go for weigh-in today & fear I am up because I did eat a lot of crap on that trip since it was so stressful. Stress eating, a big downfall.

I really don't want to gain back weight I've lost & have a stroke from bad eating habits. This woman now has a feeding tube thru her stomach & feels so resentful she can't eat any of the Delicious food she smells & sees her friends eating. (That sounds a little too familiar - I am always resentful of Doris eating ice cream & Hydrox cookies, & feel she is sabotaging me... etc.)

I am so grateful Doris & I are still healthy & well.
Thankyou God.

Transfer to Blogger.com

I am Hating moving my dumb ole blog which I hardly ever write in anyway.
I am so LAME on computers in the first place.
I can't make the letters bigger.
I miss my old font.
(I am trying them all out here..)
Honestly, I can never read all of your blogs that regularly use blogspot because the print is so small.
Which brings up another thing - nobody's blog transfered here on the list, I guess I'll have to start it all over again, (the favorite blog list, I mean.)
Hey, at least the last font was dark & heavy.
Guess I choose this one, 'verdana' - at least I THINK that's what it is, the print in the font choice is SO SMALL I can barely see it.
Also I liked having a purple & lavender blog at AOL. This pink is the only one I could find on the 'blog choice menu.'
oh, What the hell eVER.

I don't write that much anymore anyway.
Life is too stressful right now.
Geesh, like I need this stupid blog transfer drama bullshit right now.
Dumbass AOL.

September Is Here Already??? dang.

BoooooHooooHooooHooo! 
I LOVE SUMMER, I don't want it to end. 
snarful, cough!
I KNOW it's hot.  I KNOW I have hot flashes on top of that.  I KNOW our frickin' central air-conditioning broke this year (it was hell) & we made "do" with a window air-conditioner in our upstairs bedroom. (Worked fine, & boy did we save on the electric bill!)  I KNOW the mosquitos could give us west nile virus or worse...  geeze I could go on & on... 

I KNOW the changing of the leaves are spectacular & the most gorgeous time of the year, esp in the Poconos.  I KNOW the crispness in the air is so fresh & revitalizing.  I KNOW the flights get back to 'normal' with all the rugrats back in school, vacations over & just regular business passengers that are 'aware' of the fucked up changes in flying & are already 'over' it, thus easier trips. 

But I LOVE SUMMER.  I love the smell of sunshine, fresh cut lawns, flowers, the ocean waves crashing on the shore, chirping birds & even crickets & croaking frogs!  Summer is so short here in the East.  I should SO live in LA.  But Doris won't go.  sigh.

Yeah, yeah yeah - Fall is the greatest time of the year, BUT it too only last a short minute.  Like summer, the bliss is SO quick.  Then here comes the weather, rainstorms, sleet & snow, & there goes the sun & light.  Here comes my depression from light deprivation, there goes the lazy hazy days outside, here comes the prison of staying indoors from the frickin' 'elements.' 

Waaaaa waaaaa waaaa, oh let me just shut the F up right now.  It is what it is, this is where I live with my frickin' beloved...
snarlll, snort.

I'm lucky I'll have trips to Lax to get to the sunny skies, green grass & palm trees in the winter time.  Hopefully.  The way things are going our airline may take that away from us too, they've already CANCELLED all but ONE Los Angelos trip into & out of Newark Airport.  Driving to JFK is out of the question, esp in bad weather.  So I pray to maintain "status quo."

Okay, I'll stop bitching now.  (For the moment!)
Let me get outside & enjoy the sunny warmth while I still can.  oye.

Nominating Barack

Watching history being made tonight!  Soon Barack will accept the nomination...  I was for Hillary & am dissappointed she was not chosen for VP.  pissed actually.  BUT I shall be happy for Obama & support the democrats.  Why ANYone would vote for 4 more years of Republican bullshit is beyond me.  But if Dumb Butts did it for the last TWO terms, I supposed it is possible.  Hopefully NOT. 

Doris came home from the hospital where she ended up 3 days with a bad UTI, Kidney infection.  She was SICK & now is home trying to build up her stregnth.  I am RELIEVED.  phew!

I am down to 158 lbs now.  Yea!  I am doing well at WW. 

I am flying out to Lax tomorrow & life goes on.

Now, let's get down the nomination of the first Black president!!!  Oh yeah.

7/17/08

On Thur 7/17/08 Doris & I celebrated our 27th Anniversary!  pretty Amazing! 

We went to the shore at Ocean Grove, set our blue, hooded chairs up on the boardwalk & just chilled! 

It was a glorious day- sunny, blue skies, stratus clouds, Quiet, Peaceful, with a cooling breeze in the summer heat!  Seagulls & smaller birdies sailed above, butterflies hopped from flower to flower on the dunes, & that exquisite sound of waves crashing on the shore made a perfect, lazy afternoon into evening. 

We ate at our favorite Main Street 'joint' which is an old apothecary drug store/soda fountain turned into a great restaurant.  Love the Salmon Caesar salad there!

We had both gotten balloons & cards for each other, & Doris got us 3 pink roses!  I have to say it was So Great having the RV at the beach so there is always a bathroom handy.  Phew, man!  always gotta pee.

It was a wonderful day, love after 27yrs is a beautiful thing!  Comfortable & still vibrant!  I was so happy.  It was a perfect celebration.

Oh, also I cut my hair!  OFF!  SHORT!  This is the third cut in 2 months.  The first one took off 13 inches & was below the shoulders with hair going over my left eye.  Doris liked it okay but just stared at me the 1st day cause she never saw me without long hair.  She called me Veronica with that cut. 

Next I cut it above my shoulders as it was too hot wearing it down all the time. That took 8 more inches off & was a medium 'bob'.  Doris hated it & I did too.  It was too dull, she said I looked like an old church lady & I had to agree.  It looked like that 'doo' that Star Jones had with the glasses.  It was boring & I needed an edge. 

So a week ago off it all came.  6 more inches (looked like a dead varmint on the floor!)  Surprise of all surprises, after decades of long straight hair, the back is short & curly, the top & front I have to curl & I have a bit of a pomp!  It's so cute & Doris likes it (anything was better than the last) & she is now calling me Shortie.  She definitely liked my long hair the best, tho'.  It can always grow back.  But for now, I love it, it feels so light & cool for the summertime!  I'm happy!!!  I just need to learn how to do it, it will take time.  Sorry I don't know how to do pictures on this blog.  You'll just have to use your imagination!

I Got Nothin' Much to Say

Dang.  I can not believe how little I've written in my blog this year, when it used to be all I focused on.  I'm thinking my life just isn't that interesting, however it hasn't been bad!  Mainly, I am flying overtime as usual & resting on my few days off.. ie laying around the house & watching TV.  ha!  I am seriously tired but life goes on.

The rest of my focus is on loosing weight with WW & last time around I was so booring constantly talking about it in this online journal that I swore I wouldn't subject folks to that anymore.  Hence I started the special Elist for WW folks to write into ea day with their progress & problems & it has helped me focus.  And since it IS about loosing weight, I don't feel so self conscious talking about it all the time.  So far I am now down to 165.  Yea!  Getting there!  And I do write in that everyday.

As for turning 61- the body seems to be breaking down wierdly enough...  I had mentioned the back going out, then my neck going out 2 weeks later.  Well the latest is 2 more weeks later my damn right KNEE went out which really scared me because that is new.  I was worried it wouldn't get better, but now it seems to come & go.  I definately don't like this & I have stopped all work outs at the gym until the ole knee hopefully gets better.  Oddly enough I can't believe I am still loosing weight without all the treadmill & machine work outs.  I would still be healthier if I did exercise, tho'.

Doris & I have been doing well & have another anniversary coming up next month.  She has had the grandkids staying over on days I have flown out of town.  That has been great for me. 

Oh, & I have cut my hair again, so that is a huge difference...  First I cut it 11 inches & it was beautiful but grew fast & hung on my shoulders making me so hot for the summer.  So now I cut it 8 more inches & it is above my shoulders.  I don't like this "bob" so much & am thinking about cutting it even shorter, altho' Doris won't like it.   I am trying to figure out how to style it,  it is hard since I've had it long all my life. 

So now you see why I haven't written in a month.  Pure booring drek.  I'll write again when I have something to say.
Adios MF's!

A Good Day

I lost 2.6 lbs at WW today at weigh-in.  I am shocked.  My back & neck have been out so no exercise for so long.  i overate some Chinese food a week ago & had butter popcorn at Sex In the City.  I have drank 2 liters of water a day & I guess that must have really helped!  I finally broke thru 170 lbs & I'm now at 168 !  I'm actually going down.  Wow.  I am grateful.  Going to meetings & the new website I started for WW'ers in our leader Ann's group is what has helped. 

Doris & I are perfectly good today.  Wierd.  But I'm not going to complain, I am definately grateful for that too.

Intense

Doris & I had a big fight this afternoon.  Huge fight.
It was about money.
She doesn't ever seem to have much, certainly not enough to pay her part of the bills.  She says she 'pays them', but she only partially pays & so the rest is added on to the next bill & the next, etc.  It's very difficult dealing with someone like this. I really want to eat over it.  Stuff down all those negative feelings.

She claims to have paid "everything.  I paid it all" before she retired.  She did not as I always paid the mortgage & she paid the other stuff.  Anyway, I don't know how I'm supposed to pay all the rest as well as the mortgage, I just simply don't make enough money.  I can't do real estate anymore, it's not for me. 

My back went out a few weeks ago, & my neck had just gotten better from going out.  But it now has gone out again, so I can't work out at the gym.  I'm not looking fwd to weigh in at WW tomorrow. 

Doris informed me she would be moving out to a senior citizen apt building & I can just keep the damn house.  That everything was fine when she worked & had money, but now I am just driving her crazy.  Ah, yeah back at ya.

We really scream at each other now.  I'm sure the damn neighbors can hear us.  But after that, things seem to be back to normal. 

I later asked, so when do you think you'll be moving to the Sr Citizen building?  She laughed & said I ain't going anywhere babe.  But I just wonder....

CRAP! I TURNED 61 YESTERDAY!

WOW!  I am old!  Holy crap I'm 61!  My brain doesn't feel that way as I still don't know what the hell I'm doing in life from day to day.  BUT my freakin' back went out on my flight 2 days ago so my body is feeling decrepit.  Therefore this birthday is a bit of a downer, altho' I KNOW this pain isn't permanent as it is getting less each day. 

I used it as an excuse Not to go to church today & just lay around & rest.  Also I shall be missing a bbq after church that as much as I LOVE that food, I really need to stay away since I'm back to loosing weight.  (Oh gee, 3 big lbs in 3 weeks -woo!) 

I've totally neglected my blog since I started my cool, new website for our WW group.  It has helped keep me focused & working hard.  In fact I'm thinking maybe all that time I've spent on the treadmill & machines (6 out of 7 days ea week) is what jostled my back so much that it went out more easily when we hit turbulence in flight.  (probably nOt!)  I just really don't understand why this happened since I thought my body'd be stronger with all this working out at the gym.  Guess it will just take time to actually get stronger.  Hopefully.

So when I got home from the airport Doris had beautiful pink roses, 3 great balloons & 2 mushy, fabulous cards waiting for me on the kitchen table!  The next morning she called me from her car place where they told her she needed a new tire (socked it to her in the tune of $200.)  We met for brunch at  Perkins then went to a few stores, then home, then back out to Charlie Brown's for my birthday dinner (which she couldn't even afford to pay for since she had to put out all that money for the stupid tire.)  She really had wanted to go into the City to see fleet week & all the sailors & ships.  Hey, wait a minute, this is MY birthday damn it. 

Afterwards we just came home & eventually crawled into bed.  Jeese I was SO tired that I couldn't even stay awake to midnight & went to sleep at 1130pm.  Huh???  I'm always up 'till 0300am.
Good GRIEF!

On turning 61, I am grateful I'm still alive & basically have good health, the bad back isn't permanent, at least not at 61 yet!  I have a job I don't hate & I'm not depressed today.  It has been really hard trying to deal with all the Debt Doris has accrued, actuallymaybe I should say trying NOT to deal with it. 

My fear is possibly loosing the house eventually, but probably that wont happen as I can still pay the mortgage ea month.  Good thing I still have a job, but internally I feel it's not fair.  I have broken out with itchy hives here & there, & I know it's my rage at all this popping out thru my skin.  On the surface, I still love & adore Doris, but underneath I do have obvious (Seething!) resentments. 

I'm not going anywhere tho', sticking here with her to the end.  I finally figured out what the hell...  if we do loose our home (small & humble as it is) we can always move back into an apartment or rent a house, or go to a senior citizen's building.  Life will still go on. 

The important thing is LOVE & good health.  Seriously.  Everything else is just ICING on the cake of life!  An when you thing of it, every new day is a birthday of sorts.

I Only lost 1 Dang Lb Again This Week

I am SO discouraged.  I only lost 1.4 frickin' lbs on WW weigh in.  WTF???
 
Let me tell you; 
I have done the damn treadmill 45min almost everyday (not 20 min, not 30min but FOURTYFIVE M.F. MINUTES everyday, even on my stupid layover in lax. 
I have counted the damn points everyday.
I have hardly eaten anything sinful & delicious & have just stayed in the 'healthy choices' perimeter.
I stopped drinking diet coke again finally (VERY hard). (Man, I miss caffeine!)
I'm drinking WATER all the time.  snore.

How could I have worked SO hard, esp on the treadmill (45min is LONG & boring, I have to read a magazine or book to get thru it) & have only lost a smidge over 1 lb???  I just don't get it. 

I'm exhausted & I have to fly out again tomorrow.  This layover I think I'll just STAY IN BED an extra hour instead of getting up early to go down to the hotel gym (altho' they DO have great cybex equip.)  But screw it, I'm taking the sleep instead of the exercise - one dippy pound???

The first time around loosing the 50lbs was hard & all, but I never did the exercise other than hitting Curves about once or twice a week for 30 min.  This time I'm working out in a real healthclub/gym for long periods of time, should I not expect to loose more weight faster than the last time around???
Seriously, what the hell???

Okay, rant over (for now!)

That First Trip After Vacation...

GooOOOoOOOd LORD!!
Have MERcy.
About 1 hour before landing a female psgr attacked a male Flight Attendant in the aft galley because they wouldn't serve her any more vodka. 

She had been told to sit down & fasten her seat belt because the seat belt sign was on.  She wouldn't move & kept asking for vodka.  (Earlier she could barely stay on her feet going to the lav & needed help getting back to her seat.)  She kept asking for vodka all night (5 1/2 hr flight) & did not like that she had been cut off. 

When she wouldn't sit down when the seat belt sign went on, she lunged into the galley & grabbed the intercom phone out of a FA'S hand & started bashing him in the head with it repeatedly, she started hitting & scratching him with her other hand.  3 FA's were sitting on the aft jumpseat (myself included) & we jumped up & tried to stop her.  Her adrenalin was SO powerful we couldn't pull her off, he was bleeding from his temple & long sabre scratchmarks on his arm, & she knocked out a cap on his tooth.  He was backed up against the ovens trying to cover his face & protect himself.  Another male FA finally got her off him & escorted her back to her seat, where she became docile then fell asleep. (passed out!)  Police & paramedics met the flight on landing in NJ.  I can't say much else as it's now turned over to the FBI. 

The thing is it was so scarey.  It happened SO fast, she just snapped.  Also she was so small (about 5'7") & slim & waifish, I would have never thought she would have any kind of power.  OMG.   It was really terrible. My friend was taken to a hospital in an ambulance & had a tetnus shot.  He isn't back to work yet. 

I just flew another trip with the other 2 FA's involved & we are all achey & exhausted & rather lethargic...  I personally just couldn't get any speed up tonight, I just didn't care.  I mean I cared about the psgrs, but not about how fabulous I worked the flight.  And of course you all must realize by now I am an awesome, fast & efficient Flight Attendant.  Or I was.  ha!

I have one day off, I am going to the gym & WW. 

Last Day Of Vacation

I'm sad.  This is the last day of my 2 week vacation.  While I'm grateful to have had time off, it just wasn't enough.  Never is. 
boo hoo.

Oh shut up Kathy & be satisfied  for what you've got & happy you have a job to go to.  shish. 

Fat & (un?)Happy

I'm still struggling with my weight which is up again to 175.  I really dont want to deprive myself of all the delecious SHIT I got back in the habit of eating since I dropped that 50lbs a year 1/2 ago.  I still go to WW, even tho' I keep eating crap & keep gaining.  BUT---
I started this great website for those of us in that wed's 530p WW group to write our thoughts & feelings on.  It's a yahoogroup so it's free, & it's really COOL. 

Unfortunately only 2 other women have joined it, so there are 3 of us chatting back & forth.  But it's the first week, so I'll see next wed why no one else has responded.  Maybe they're just having a hard time signing up for it.  (Or maybe they're a bunch of big dumbasses not realizing what a great opportunity to help ea other this would be! ha!)  OR maybe a computer geek MIGHT hav started a better site for us, which would be fine cause I really dont know what I'm doing.  I'm just kinda proud of myself that I actually figured out how to do this, & quite frankly that it has turned out so COOL (imo!)

But the thing is that this is all so frivilous compared to some friend's plight in life at the moment. 

One old friend is loosing his huge, gorgeous home in Connecticut & having to move into a small puny rental.  He had to sell all his antiques, which were fabulous at an auction & got shafted there, not even making half of what he expected.  His lover has turned into a real bitch behind it all (they've been together for 3 decades) & it's miserable for them both. (gay men.)

Then I just found out another male friend whom I love & work with at times has just been told he has HIV.  The lover he got it from KNEW that he had it & never told him.  Such a crime.  I am SO sad for him even tho' there are many drugs now & much hope for long lives for PWA now.

I should not complain.  Life is fine for me.

On Vacation!

Vacations go too fast.  One week is already gone, one more to go.  Which is short, but better than no more time off.

So I immediately gassed up the RV & drove 4 hrs. to my brother's in Pa.  I think it's been 10 years since I last visited because the cigarette smoking drove me nuts.  Well, glad I got over that- I was just glad to see him!

I was also glad to see that his wife's MS hasn't progressed too badly, altho' she might disagree, she uses a walker for balance to get around the house. 

They live very sparsely because they don't earn much money.  They both make exquisite glass beads that are amazingly beautiful & they sell them on EBay.  And Alan does carpentry & handyman jobs for people. 

Annie's oldest son & his wife are moving in with them taking the upstairs floor & that should help with their mortgage.  They seem to be okay with that, my Lord you all KNOW I'd be dying.  I would HATE not being able to walk around nude or having to close the bathroom door just to pee.  Anyway, they are cheerful, loving & open about it - which shows they are much kinder people than me!

I really enjoyed talking with Annie, we never had gotten on that well before as she was very young when they got married, & I still loved the 3rd (ex)wife.  They have now lasted 12 years & she is in her mid forties  & much more interesting (my brother is almost 59).  She gave me the most exquisite bead she made that I had admired, it is about 2 inches long & has 2 purple iris against a pink & green swirley background.  Beautiful! and generous.  I've been wearing it around my neck ever since.  If anybody is interested in some slammin' glass beads, you could probably look on EBay under ABartglass.  I don't know how to put a link up here.

Incedentally, I froze my ass off sleeping in that RV under a full moon that crisp April night in Pa.  Drove home later the next day!  Alan had come home from his job to cook a hearty lunch before I left.  He cooks all the meals for Annie & washes the dishes immediately afterward!  The night I arrived he'd made some delicious spaghetti & meat sauce for me (a favorite from our childhood) which I gobbled up!  Afterward he told me it was made with Deer meat.  OhGOD!  I ate a Bambi & felt guilty...  (This from someone who was a vegetarian for Decades.)  shish.

Alan & Annie don't have a TV & don't want one.  (I would surely DIE.)  They read to each other & have meaningful conversations, rent movie videos & are into their Baha'I' faith.  It's a simple life out there in the Pa. farm & Amish country & they seem truly happy!

As for me, I was happy to get back to the comfort of my own home.  Ain't no place like your own!

A Couples Meme by Sassy

A Couples Meme by SASSYFEMME

1. How long have you been together?

26 Yrs, 27 in July!


2. Who pursued who?

I totally chased her gorgeous ass all over town, 'till she caught me.


3. Do you wear any type of wedding/commitment ring? If so, which hand?

We have matching gold bands with 5 diamonds on our left marriage finger...  Altho I've recently had to remove mine since I regained weight...I had made it smaller when I'd lost 50lbs...  & it's too damn tight.


4. What was the hardest thing about learning to live together?

In the beginning having sex with her children in the next room..Definately cramped my style.  For her the fact that I am not a neat person & she is. 


5. Who takes longer to get ready in the morning?

If I put on make-up, then I do.
If I don't put on makeup then she does (D. always puts on make-up.) We're both lipstick lesbians, but Doris is an exquisitely fancy butch!


6. Do you usually eat breakfast together?

At home I have 3 hardboiled egg whites, vitamins & a smoothie...  D has one hardboiled egg, vitamins & a smoothie & we usually eat this together quickly before running out the door. 
But often we go out for a nice brunch at Perkins or The Scotchwood Diner.


7. Do you ever share clothes?

Yes some stuff like Tee's or Sweatshirts, but mostly we have our own clothes- Doris is 6 ft tall so her stuff is a bit bigger plus she is VERY stylish, while I no longer care so much.  I can rally if I have to, but I just want comfort. I'm happy to wear a uniform so I don't have to think about it. 


8. Who does most of the cooking?

DORIS!!!  always. 
I can not cook.


9.Who usually takes out the trash?

I do if I'm in town. 


10. If you have pets who usually does litter box or poop patrol?

I do if I'm in town.  Doris would rather not have animals in the house even tho' they adore her.  She will do it if I'm gone however.


11. Which one of you is more likely to answer the phone when it rings?

Doris definately... unless she see's it's a creditor on the caller ID.  Also we each have our own rings (mine rings twice each ring) which I ask her not to answer in case it's crew schedule trying to draft me for a flight.  So if it just rings once each ring it's usually for her.


12. Who's in charge of the remote if you're watching TV together?

I want to be, she wants to be.  We fight for it ...-ie whomever grabs it first wins.  But not for long because Doris doesn't like my choices often (House Hunters) & also I flip channels a lot, so I let her eventually control the clicker because I know she'll usually fall asleep within 30-60 minutes...  Then it's mine all mine. 


13. Who usually drives when you go out together?

Usually Doris!  But somedays I do squire her around which she enjoys.  We each get on our nerves when the other drives.  ("be careful, watch out, you should have turned there.."etc.


14. Which one of you takes care of spiders and bugs that get into the house?

Doris does for sure.  She smashes them.  Often times when I try, I miss.


15. Facing the bed, who sleeps on which side?

Doris on the right closer to the bedroom door, I'm on the left close to the window.


16. Who usually checks the (postal) mailbox?

Luckily we have mail coming in the door slot on the livingroom floor!  But Doris generally goes for it first.  I personally don't want to see the bills.


17. If something breaks or goes wrong in the house, which one of you is more likely to either fix it or call someone to fix it?

Doris, thank God she has the ability!  However lately she tells me she can't do anything anymore cause she's gotten too old.  This has upset me, because she isn't old (72) & I don't get it - she Always used to be into so many "projects" with great zest.  I loved that about her!  2 days ago I said to her "you've Never heard me say I can't do anything because I'm too old"  to which she replied "because you've never done anything I did it all!" And we both laughed SO HARD because it was totally true...  Tonight when I came back from my flight she had fixed the leaky toilet & rebuilt the shelves that go over it!  Thank GOD - I was beginning to think I'd lost my wonderful handywoman.


18. Who is generally the neater of you?

Oh, please!  DORIS, hands down.


19. Who handles the checkbook/pays the bills?

Uhm.  Well.  We each "handle our own checkbooks" & pay certain bills...  including our own charge cards.  But unfortunately this has exploded in my face as my beloved has totally fucked her end up.  She has even retired 2 years ago with acute debt & won't get another job saying no one will hire a 72 yr old.  I don't know what to do.  I couldn't retire at 60 with my friends because of this.  I am dissenchanted.  I am angry.  I am pissed.  I am depressed.  I am scared.  I don't want to take a loan out against the house to pay for her debts (we are both on the mortgage.)  If we can't find a bank that does 'consolidation loans' then I guess she'll have to do bankruptcy.  I just keep going to work, picking up overtime like a motherfucker.  I'm tired.


20. What was your last fight/disagreement about?

Her damn youngest deadbeat son.  She loves him, of course.
And money.  Not good.


21. When you slow dance together, who leads?

Doris.  She can't follow for shit.


22. What do you love the most about your other half?

Believe it or not, we LAUGH a lot!  And we tell each other "I love You" often, everyday.   And have I mentioned how fucking beautiful she is?  She still makes me swoon.  I swear there is a LOT to be said about waking everyday to a fabulously gorgeous smiling face!