Saturday, July 23, 2016
So anyway, life is great. Except I'm even fatter. Pretty embarrassing. I keep telling myself Im still fabulous, but Im not.
Truth is, Im thinking MAYbe its because there is less sex than we used to have. Heck, Im 69 now & I don't even feel like getting it on anymore...
Used to be crazed... But now I'm too tired, exhausted, no more estrogen, hell I just want to EAT & sleep. I don't know which I LOVE more...Sleeping or EATING!! Well TV is still pretty damn great too! Yep. that's about it. Seems like Doris lost interest quite awhile back anyway, but #1: she never Was that into it... had raised 3 children alone doing 2 &3 jobs a day, hell she was just pooped! And..#2 She is 80 now! EIGHTY!! WOW! Hell Im just grateful she's still alive!!! Me too, thrilled Im still alive too! But at the rate Im going (eating unhealthy & Not exercising,) (Hell I don't even want to Move!) I may just be digging myself an early grave. The pain from my spine into my back & legs- I can barely walk now, & my girth (230something lbs) makes it even harder. boo hoo, waa waa poor me. I gotta get a fucking grip, dammit.
Monday, May 11, 2015
Sunday, February 23, 2014
OMG I have missed blogging SO much. I couldn't remember my damn stupid password. After 2 years, I finally figured out to make a NEW password. I have never been smart- so to speak. I hope I don't forget this new word. Of course I'll write it down, but still.
Now here's the thing.......
LIFE HAS BEEN WONDERFUL!!!
I would almost say BLISS!
Except I'm still FAT.
So far I've dropped 10 lbs this time around at WW.
Was 15 lbs,
but I got off at a damn Superbowl party
& put 5 lbs back on.
Gotta get strict again.
I can do it dammit,
if I just try.
So Valentines Day was the best ever...
In spite of all the 10 or more snow storms this winter,
I'd gotten the flowers, presents, balloons & cards 3 days early because I knew we'd be snowed in AGAIN...
That morning I put on the song
ALL OF ME LOVES ALL OF YOU on...
We were still in bed & we exchanged our presents -
We put on engagement rings!
(It had been SO much fun buying them
out of the blue at the jewelers!
Will you marry me? And we laughed! ..
So great!) I was on such a high!
Went to brunch at the Westfield Diner.
Then to see two mushy romantic movies
which we actually enjoyed!
Stopped at the A&P on the way home
where we saw a lesbian friend
(who has been computer-ordained to marry people)
& excitedly showed her our engagement rings.
Right there in the Deli Section
she took our ring hands
in each of her hands
& said "do you & do you?"
We said Yes! & all laughed!
Then I said wow, I wonder
if we're really married now,
she said I think you are...?!
I'll have to look it up,
there are still papers I haven't filed with the state...
And then we all cracked up!
But I WAS THRILLED thinking
it just MAY have been possible!
I mean who knew I would have that reaction
the spur of the moment
getting married in the A&P
of all the crappy places,
but I felt jubulant!
Excited to the fullest measures!
I was bouncing up & down
With sheer JOY!
And in the damn deli section no less.
But you know...
When you've been together 32 yrs
And it's always been against the law to marry,
FINALLY it's legal!?!
Honey the A&P will be just fine.
We got home & I kept saying to Doris-
We may actually be married!
5 minutes later.. We may actually be married!
20minutes later.. We may actually be married!!
She kept saying, Kathy we are not yet married,
just please settle down.
(We had planned to tie the knot
on our 7/17 anniversary.)
Which obviously we still are.
That will be the day!
Man the more things change,
the more they stay the same...
40 yrs ago,
I'd lived with & loved a man for 6 yrs
who had a deli in NYC.
Knew better than to marry him, tho'.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
So I forgot to mention we got a beautiful little yellow kitten this past summer. She was a precious little sweetface that has grown into a crazy, insane, nutcase who needs an exorcism, hahaha! Of course we love her & she is funny a lot. BUT she flys thru the air from one couch to the other, bites & scratches the shit out of me. Damn. I so wanted a little moushe that would just want to cuddle. Well what I got is AMBER MAE, so I shall be happy with what I have! Moral of this story... be careful what you ask for!
Tuesday, October 09, 2012
Summer was a bit of a bummer because we crashed the RV & so we didn't have one for the whole time. I was SO happy to not be killed that I started going back to church again, heh heh! Not EVERY Sunday mind you, but every other... Doris was happy about that. It wasn't terrible to be back. I had enjoyed the day to myself for quite some time, tho'.
To go to the shore, or the City or the flee market without a RV was so suckey. I had gotten spoiled to have a bathroom everywhere. Just wasn't the same without...
I spent the summer sleeping alot, trying to hide from people because I'm fat & there were a lot of rainey weekends.
And THEN I finally was able to get the new RV I wanted in Sept!!!!! I have never been so estatic since the day I retired!!!!! I AM THRILLED!!! (Well winnning the Miss Richardson Pageant in 1965 was pretty damn thrilling, too. But I digress.....)
Still going to all the movies on Fridays! So fun.
But driving in the new RV, (her name is Prisilla, she is pretty & prissy) brings the biggest smile to both of our faces! It is such a beautiful van. Every trip, even if it's just to drive around anywhere & nowhere is a great adventure now. And how FABULOUS it is to have a bathroom on wheels again?!!!!
Saturday, March 03, 2012
Geese no blogging since Jan.
I tell ya, I am much better at FB.
Blogging seems so yesteryear now.
So much has happened.
Doris was in the hospital for 5 days,
really sick with a bladder infection
that went into sepsis & ecoli.
It was bad.
Grateful she got well.
I got sick afterward,
just from the exhaustion.
I got a new iPhone!
It is the NEATEST thing ever!
Still don't know how to operate it totally,
probably never will.
But it is COOL.
I have to use a stylus
because of my damn nails.
It is just fine, tho'
I am good at it!
If you wanna text me,
I still have my old cell number.
It goes off with huge tower bells
Clanging & Clanging!
Cracks me up every time.
Got new glasses again.
At least, cheaper than the last pair.
matter of time.
I was PISSED
When the eye Dr. told me.
Am I REALLY that old?
Got 2 new tires for my PT Cruiser.
$300 fucking dollars.
Now the cost of gas.
Life is expensive.
D gave me
a pretty gold bangle bracelet
for Valentines Day!
I gave her a gold heart bracelet.
Guess we appreciate
that she didn't stroke out
Or keel over & drop dead
when she was so ill.
I still want some cats or a dog, tho.
Just not happening.
I keep trying to be patient
& wait for the right fur baby
to come into my life.
I still love going to the movies
when the new ones come out.
I just get SO excited
Like a little kid!
My one day for Diet Coke!
And half of a small butter popcorn!
All alone in the dark
With my Babe, xxx!
Just got home from 2 good ones, in fact...
Wonderlust & Act Of Valor.
Then dinner at The Olive Garden!
Now I can hardly WAIT!
For next fri to come again!
I gotta clean up
my messes around this house.
It is such a old, rickety little house.
But I love it
And love living here with Doris.
I think we've had it for about 18 years now.
I am grateful.
But I am a damn slob.
A damn lazy slothful slob.
No one is perfect.
Sunday, January 08, 2012
I ain't makin'
No damn New Years resolutions
To hell with it.
They're all the same each year , anyway.
I just don't give a shitsky -
I'm still fat &
My closet room is still a huge mess.
I'm tired of trying to stay positive
Every fucking day of my life.
Even tho' I do KNOW
I am one blessed woman.
I appreciate it,
but really -
I'm basically a nice person.
So why shouldn't
God Goddess Universe
give ME favor!?
I am tired.
I have bronchitus
And I think I am getting better.
Went to the walk-in & got med scripts.
Hope the insurance pays.
Doris has been very nice
& says she doesn't know
what she would have done
It feels good,
hearing her appreciation of me...
something kinda rare
since I don't do shit
I am retired -
doesn't everybody know by now?
I ain't doing nothin'
If I don't feel like it.
I'll be glad
when summer comes back around-
These short, dark days
Saturday, December 31, 2011
We are still somewhat in 'Holiday Mode' over here, taking it slow & easy one day at a time. The best Xmas present was having Doris home from the hospital where she had been for 5 days with another bladder infection that had given her 106 fever, chills & rendered her impossible to move down the stairs to the bathroom.
I thought she was having a stroke the 1st night as she just didn't seem to understand what I was saying to her when trying to get her down the stairs - it took me 2 hrs, & she had the runs & throw-ups. She couldn't even hold her own barf bag & refused to go to the emergency room that night, she was just belligerent & wanted to stay home.
The next day she wasn't any better & agreed to go to the walk-in clinic, where they immediately put her in an ambulance & took her to the hospital. Her uti had gone into ECOLI & poisoned her entire blood stream, she was in SEPSIS. It was scary.
I also got sick about the 4th day - from exhaustion trying to take care of her...& went home early with throwing up & the runs, myself. Luckily that just turned out to be a 24hr virus, probably also from hospital cooties.
Then suddenly she was released! Then we were both home weak & trying to recuperate... however poor DORIS really had gone thru hell so I felt lame even complaining about feeling like shit.
Once home, neither one of us had the energy to clean the house for Christmas holiday guests, ie her kids & grandkids. I did rally enough to put up a beautiful tree for her & may I say that takes a ton of energy.
And one more thing... I was pissed as hell at her youngest lame-ass lazy son because he had stayed at her sister Barbara's apt after last xmas, for maybe 4 or 5 months, which was SO kind of her sister to get him out of our house. Well, he took (stole) some of her jewelry from a drawer & PAWNED it for money. Then finally left town to go back to Detroit, telling his mother (my Doris) that Barbara wanted him out of the apt because he had brought a girl there & she didn't like it. He is just SO FULL OF SHIT. I am sick of him.
It upset Doris SO much once she found out & thus her resistance was totally lowered from the stress of it all. And that is one big reason she got so sick & her body rebelled on her... She was REALLY furious & hurt & said she was going to give Herman a piece of her mind... BUT SHE NEVER DID. In fact, she never has thru these past 30 years I've known her. He's her baby & the beloved brother of Sharon & Derrick (her other two children - all around 50 yrs old.) She just accepts him (& them) with unconditional love, life goes on, & he keeps fucking up.
Well I had felt pushed to the max trying to take care of Doris & worrying about whether she was going to die from the sepsis. So when Herman called I just started yelling at him about pawning off Barbara's jewelry when she had done so much to help him, & how it affected his mother & made her sick... He got defensive, said he didn't make her sick & started talking about how he did it because he was hungry & needed money for food, (BULLSHIT) & he had meant to get the jewelry back, but he'd left too soon, & that Derrick shouldn't have told anybody about it, because it was nobody's business... Sickening.
I said "Listen, Number One: NEVER ask your mother for money EVER again." He said I don't need her money, I have my own. I said "GREAT then you can send her the $100 you borrowed last year & Never paid back as you promised, she can use it. And number two: Your mother will really be happy to see you again, & I shall be happy to see you again, BUT YOU ARE NOT INVITED TO STAY HERE THIS YEAR."
A silent pause ensued... & he started hitting all the phone keys saying he had to get off the phone (he always borrows his friends phones to call...) I gave the phone to Doris so she could say hi to him & he got off right away afterward.
After 30 years I finally told the little stankass,fuckoff lier OFF, I had overstepped my bounds - but if Doris had ever stood up to his lame behavior I would have never felt the need to.
Well, Doris was SO upset & said I should have never done that. Sharon the sister didn't even bother to call on Xmas day - doing her brother solidarity thing I guess... but it was weird because she had called D everyday in the hospital, cried please don't die on me, sent beautiful flowers, & also wired her $100 to help her pay for meds. She had been wonderful. Then didn't call her mom on xmas. Guess she was mad we didn't have Xmas here at home like we did last year, not to mention her younger brother wasn't invited to stay here if we had.
Instead, we all had been invited to go to Cousin Etta's for Christmas (her husband of 60yrs had died & she was lonely.) This was great for Doris & I since we had no energy to clean the damn house. And also Etta was looking fwd to seeing Sharon, but Sharon never called to say she wasn't coming.
I'm SO glad I never had children. I swear, I would have beat the little bastards if they had acted like imbeciles. I have been grinning & bearing so much insanity from D's children for decades now. They never liked me anyway, so now they are going to understand & see just how much I will not be putting up with anymore.
Anyway, MY Christmas was wonderful! I had Doris home, we went to Etta's & had delicious food, I didn't have to deal with that fucker Herman, & we had our whole house to ourselves once we got home.
Cousin Etta was happy too.
All the rest of them were depressed.
Sunday, December 04, 2011
'Tis the damn season again.
Got thru Thanksgiving
with just 5 of us
dining at the Airport Marriott.
It was perfect.
D had been very sick
with a bladder infection
so she didn't cook &
the whole crew didn't come over...
So I didn't have to hustle & clean.
Daughter drove in &
paid for Mother's dinner.
The daughter hurt my feelings
talking about how she wants to give D
a RUST livingroom couch combo
is out of style in the 2011's.
I HATE RUST,
orange is not what i would want.
However this is for "Mommy."
Our hunter green velvet couch
on our pink carpet
is 17rs old & worn now.
I should be grateful
for anything new.
Let me just shut up.
Clearly they don't like the livingroom.
Be grateful we all
could come together here last year...
After D's Sis passed away
We no longer have
Her neice's big, beautiful home
To gather in as we had
For the last decade.
So now Xmas is coming again &
I think the kids & grandkids
all want to come over
& hang with Mom/Grandma.
Not to mention her brother & sister.
We gotta hustle & clean here.
Why am I such a damn slob?
I seriously don't KNOW how
to keep up a room,
a house -
not even my car!
I have never LEARNED
how to clean well.
I just hate it.
And D wants me to put up
the outside lights,
maybe I'll try today.
It's a lota work.
Then will come the xmas tree.
I wanna just lay here & hibernate.
Curl up in my bedsheets
& down cover cocoon
and cuddle all the down pillows &
Peacefully drift in & out
'Till this whole charade is over.
Including New Year's Eve.
Life is just so great with the two of us.
We have fun & laugh at so much!
But bring in her family
& she totally changes.
It's been this way for 30 years,
So it certainly won't be different this year.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Can't stand it.
Didn't even shovel,
I'm willing it to just melt away.
I am grateful to have electricity & TV.
Many do not.
Trees have split & fallen in the back yard.
Lines are down.
Stupid east coast.
I went out of control with halloween candy.
Milky ways, Hershey Bars. Chocolate cake.
It is HEAVEN.
True fucking heaven.
Gained 5 lbs in a week.
That was last week.
Probably 5 more lbs this week.
I am sad & weak.
And FAT for real.
I've never been heavier.
I am grateful Doris hasn't dumped me
For a new slender model.
I was however infuriated with her
when she wouldn't let me adopt
the most beautiful tigress cat.
She should have said okay Kath,
if that's what you want.
If that will make you happy.
But she said NO.
And she meant it.
And of course I considered
getting the cat anyway,
getting 2 cats.
What would she do then?
Oh she's got heart murmurs
and high blood pressure...
I must NOT upset her!
I am SO PISSED.
We are together 30 years ...
What am I supposed to do?
If I were younger I would dump her
for someone who loves animals.
But when I WAS younger
she DID get me cats
and a Dog.
They are now buried out back.
It's been over a year.
I really miss fur
And cuddling with critters.
But she is happier
without pet hair on furniture & clothes,
no kitty litter in the house,
& not having to walk a dog.
Not to mention
my having to pay for pet food,
kitty litter, &
vet bills -
Something I should have paid for more of
If I had the money to take them
to the Dr more often,
Maybe they would still be alive today.
Somebody pass the candybars.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Last fri my babe & I
went to the movie matinee'
as we usually do!
I always like to sit
up on the top row on the aisle
Just feel safer
with no one behind me.
In the middle of the movie
I got up
to go to the restroom...
And KNOCKED my whole
HUGE cup of diet coke
on the floor
when my BIG ASS
passed the damn cup holder.
It made a BIG LOUD crash
on the floor.
I flopped back in my seat,
Everyone turned around
to see what'd happened.
Shouldn't of had the butter popcorn.
when I've ever felt
SO damn fat,
God, I gotta get a grip
& loose this tonage.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
I just can't take much more.
All the videos, pictures, memories,
It's like every year we all get a giant scab
pulled off our wounds &
the post traumatic puss
comes oozing out.
Our hearts get too heavy,
Our heads want to explode.
Altho' everything is changed -
Nothing has changed,
There are still terrorist threats today.
We go on thru life
Striving to be courageous
trying to balance between
Fear & denial.
So this year
on the 10th anniversary
of hell as we know it
The media has shown
Of telling the powers that be
To SHOOT down all flights
during successful hi-jackings.
We knew about this
But the civilians didn't.
Welcome to our world.
Monday, September 05, 2011
It's already Labor Day,
Are You EFfing KIDDING me??
Seems like leaves started falling
the minute September came.
Of course this was right after
we had an earth quake here in Jersey
shortly followed by Hurricane Irene.
The basement started flooding,
(well it WAS serious)
God gave her strength
to pull the wall apart
& restart the sump pump
in the sub basement,
but then the rain was pouring SO much
that the slop sink -
the sump pumps empty into -
the floor was going
up to 4-5 inches deep.
(there are TWO sump pumps
& one regular small pump for under the steps)
We were bailing water &
Doris was so awesome!
Somehow God gave me the strength
to stay by her side
& help as much as possible.
I am a weakling
now that I am SO fat.
Feet, Knees, Hip, Back.
I am deteriorating
like a termite infested
house of decay.
The creek overflowed
to a 5 ft lake in the back yard,
& the street in front was also
flooding like a whitewater race.
But it all finally was over!
Thank you GOD!
The basement carpet is squishy,
but compared to SO many folks who lost everything
in this damn storm we got off light.
Now there's no more summer.
This is ALWAYS so sad to me.
Gotta count my blessings.
It's actually very pleasant outside.
Today we're going to cousin Etta's.
Her husband of 60 yrs just passed.
He was 89 so we shall help try
to keep her mind off of her very sad loss.
Life does go on for us lucky ones,
in spite of all the trials
In this life,
or even the next...
Friday, August 19, 2011
OMG One more week of AUGUST.
One more week of SUMMER, virtually.
Fuck shit piss.
This summer once again FLEW by.
Lots of rain,
So it was harder to enjoy the outdoors.
Finally have made it to the shore
Love the beach SO much,
even tho' we saw a flasher -
I yelled P E R V E R T !..
As we left.
How did you know his name is HERBERT?
God that was funny.
We are definately older -
Can't hear for shit
Even when yelling...
Saturday, July 09, 2011
Problem is my Doris. Poor baby went in for a check up & ekg. came out with the whole complex panicing over ATRIAL FIBRILLATION showing up on her cardiac squiggles. They threw her in the URGENT CARE walk-in clinic there, took chest xrays, tons of blood, & hours later put her on Coumidin.
Henceforth we have been to the Dr's 3 times a week for the 4 weeks of June. She went to a cardiologist, had a stress test, an echo cardiogram (where I nearly cried just seeing her heart beating - the heart I love so much,) swallowed iodine & radioactivity for an endocrinologist to check out her thyroid, & has gone twice a week to the coumidin clinic trying to get that med regulated.
Sigh. I think everything will be okay. But it just is a reminder that we ain't gettin' any younger, D is 75. I can't stand the thought of her dying. Or me either for that matter. We just aren't ready to leave this life. I don't know WHAT I'd do without her, or how I'd even be able to go on. She would do much better going on without me than I would without her. It's just the way it is.
Her sister just passed away one night. That's how death comes, like a thief in the night.
Since I'd like to live a bit longer, it would behove me to get a grip on my ever-expanding girth. My GOD, I can NOT stop eating cake with icing & all the bbq from summer parties & butter popcorn at all the movies. I am back up to 194. Motherfucking fucker.
Just went to a Club EWR summer party & look mammoth in the photos. I miss all my Flight Attendants. They are so sweet & FUNNY & they actually miss me too. I was embarrassed at how fat I looked, I'm sure it will go all over the system - 'OMG - Kathy has gained SO much weight since she retired....' Funny thing is tho', they always give me so much respect & act so glad to see me. FA's are always So sweet! To me at least.
Sunday, June 05, 2011
Amber Tiffany Thiesen
Boy George O'Dowd
Dr Christiane Northrup
Dr Joyce Brothers
Frank Sinatra Jr
Gena Lee Nolan
Helen Gurley Brown
Jamie Lynn Siegler
John Shuck (mcmillon/wife)
John Edwards psycic
Jon Bon Jovi
Judge Christina Milian
Mathew St Patrick
Marcia Gay Harden
Mary Higgins Clarke
Mathew Cowell (baranski husband)
Mellisa Joan Hart
Michael McDonald (commedian)
Neil Patrick Harris
Pee Wee Herman (Paul Reubens)
Polly Draper (Michael Wolff)
Queen Latifa (Dana Owens)
Sarah Michele Geller
Wendy O. Williams
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
May 24th is my favorite day!
Because we were adopted,
my Mother always made sure
that my brother's & MY birthday
was the most special day of the year!
Gotta give to to her,
she went all out each time,
& really made us happy on these days!
His is June 12th,
And we never fail to call each other
& reminisce on Mother's gigantic efforts -
carrying on the tradition
of showing the other we choose us!
Tue May 24th I turned 64!
I felt excited & happy!
Not everybody GETS to be 64, you know?!
I didn't chide myself
for becoming old, fat & dumpy...
I can walk,
feed myself (uh- OBVIOUSLY,)
think in my right mind,
Heck - I am glorious!
Doris had a big butterfly balloon,
& 3 smaller balloons for me!
- 3 wonderful cards,
& beautiful flowers!
Went out for a quiet dinner
@ The Olive Garden,
for the finale of Dancing With the Stars!
I felt HAPPY
& at peace all day.
What Me Worry?
We are BLESSED.
Retirement makes us giddy
& birthdays are now
just another wonderful day
to remind us how lucky we are
to have our lives together!
I shall write about feeling disgruntled
about the bitch of aging (un)gracefully.
But mercifully not tonight!
Saturday, April 30, 2011
It's (a bit) warmer,
grass is green,
flowers are poppin',
trees are getting their leaves.
Alleluia & thankya Jesus!!!
It is looking like spring,
altho' it still rains constantly
and gets cold enough for sweatshirts & jackets.
I really don't think there will BE
a spring this year,
one day we'll just wake up
& it will be blisteringly HOT.
This was the WORST winter ever.
God how I wish I lived in LA again.
But then, that was back in '68
when it was truly beautiful
& seemingly glamorous!
I was SO lucky to experience
a slice of life there then!
Still a virgin, tucked into a cocoon
of my parental family gorgeous home
up in the hills of Santa Ana/Tustin
in Orange County!
Beautiful eucalyptus & palm trees,
a small, graceful swimming pool in the back yard
& a fabulous view of El Toro AFB, with
trees & a distant lake
with sparkling lights
miles off the back yard's cliff's vista!
Ahhh those were the days,
if only I had know it.
Joni Mitchell was right,
"You just NEVER know what you got till it's gone."
No matter where I lived it's been like that,
and satisfaction eluded me...
all I ever wanted to do was
LEAVE & go to the next "mecca."
Except maybe for NYC!!!!
the first minute
I stepped out on the streets
that was where I belonged!!
Yes, Bright Lights Big City,
in the thundering crowds,
GOD it was exciting,
a smorgasbord of thrills & experiences,
new flying job,
new adult life,
sex drugs & discos!
And there I stayed for 27 years
where I fell in & out of love,
got my heart broken 4 or more times,
became a pot & cocaine addict,
got sober &
The energy there was ELECTRIC
& I LOVED it.
But when my tiny studio apt rent
went up to $1000/mo
I finally relented,
went house shopping with my dear Lover
& moved to NJ 17 years ago.
So here I sit,
now retired from a hard working job,
and joyful I'm still alive to tell the tale!
Life is really wonderful
so shouldn't I be satisfied
and just "bloom where I am planted?"
It's just those Damn WINTERS.
What can I tell ya?
Monday, April 18, 2011
Elliptical 30 min
Machines 20 min
100 sit ups
21 laps in the pool.
Damn all those pancakes I gobbled down for TWO effin' days.
I have gain 2 more lbs. So I gotta try to WORK it off before weigh-in @ ww on wed.
I love pancakes & maple syrup.
I am such a FUCKING food addict.
I gotta get recommitted & strict.
Damn Damn Damn.
Saturday, April 09, 2011
April Fools day - I was a fool for not leaving @ 60
& trying to wait for social security @ 65
Hence having to basically "quit"
Because I had become injured,
Couldn't walk with heel spurs
& major hip pain.
Yep Yep got old before my time...
I was deliriously ecstatic last year
When MY time finally came
The insanely physical (over)work
& other bodily fluids
Defibulators & oxygen
The sleepless nights -
Worrying about next day sign-ins
Less pay for harder days
Divas & Dumbasses
Wake-up calls 3hrs earlier just to have
Time to load on the (kabuki)make-up & War paint
To try to hide
Charging 900 mph up & down the aisles
Day in & day out
And other FA's
And working with other not as professional FA's
(ie lazy buttholes who didn't want to work)
Having to leave home
and Most of all
Not being appreciated
While fearing getting fired.
42 years of all that-
No wonder I was such a bitch!
And now that I've chilled.......
Life is Sweet!
And so is SLEEP!!!
Peace be mine.
Thy name is delirium.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
New glasses.... whatever...
Always gotta get used to them.
Would never want to be 20 again...
But sure would like
To LOOK how I did then!
Would actually love to look 30 or 40, even!
The 50's and getting used to the 'PAUSE'
Totally took it out of me.
Now I have to try settling into the
More mature me in my 60's.
Love the 60's,
But looking like this ain't so easy
For one who used to always look fabulous...
I think it is harder on D
Since she has to actually see me everyday
As the mature version
Of the glamorous Babe
She fell in love with.
She is still keeping up her gorgeousness-
Makeup, divine clothes & shoes,
Still with the flare of a moviestar!
Since retiring I have let go -
Sweats & jeans,
Huge teeshirts &
Running shoes I SIT around in, haha.
To me it is True freedom!
But let's face it -
I look like shit.
Older than I feel -
And I do feel old.
I've gotten frumpy.
Okay then SO...
I have rejoined Curves
So I shall start moving more -
Even if only for those 30 minutes a day.
I am amazed at
how much better I feel &
how much more stamina I have now!
Even tho I HATE going.
Would rather just not move
I AM still tired after all.
Well YOU try & fly overtime every month
For 42 fucking years
And just see if YOU
Don't have terminal jet lag.
I have only been able
To get myself to the gym
To work out once a week.
So adding Curves
Back to the equation seems
To be helping!
Hope to stop yoyo-ing
With my damn weight.
Need to loose 50 lbs &
Maybe my gross jowls will go down.
Aiming for dropping 15 lbs by summer.
At least I'm on a better path now.
Sunday, March 06, 2011
This will be boring, I am writing it down just to get it out.
D & I just went to Sis' house (her beloved sister who passed away about a month ago) to pick up some clothes. Her husband didn't want me to come in saying he wanted FAMILY only.
okaaaaay.... (wtf?) (we've been together for 29yrs but whatever.)
So I'm on the front steps & can HEAR him SCREAMING at the top of his lungs inside, ranting & raving about ME... huh????
He had heard I had come into some money & had said "don't tell Sis" & somebody told her & that had hurt her feelings SO bad. He was FURIOUS I had hurt his wife. (Like his decades of fucking around with his mistress didn't break her heart.)
Say WHAT?? When did I ever come into any money???
And WHY would I even say something like that if I did?
Sis had always been generous to me, as was her daughter & husband. Buying me dinners & having me over for holiday dinners. Each xmas I put together 10 huge picture albums for each family members that cost Thousands of $$$ to show my appreciation. It chronicled all the kids & grandkids growing up & is something they shall have for decades to come when everyone is old & gray. Also I did often pay for sis' dinners when she went out to eat with Doris & I.
So I was in shock to hear this & asked D what the hell he said - I has gone to sit in the car cause it was cold - she replied she didnt know, she just sat there on the couch staring at him until he cooled down & that he is crazy. (He DOES blather on these days.)
I wracked my mind trying to remember what or when I could have said or done this. Sis had been cold to me for quite a few years now, but I had ThOUGHT it was because I never told her that her husband had been having an affair. It had hurt MY feelings that we no longer seemed close. But I just blew it off because what could I do.
Finally I called an 80yr old cousin that was close to sis & D & asked if sis had ever said this to her?
SHE SAID YES, that Sis had told her & that it had really hurt her feelings. Say WHA????? Now I was REALLY baffled because I have NO memory or CLUE of this, Plus NOW I felt really bad I had done something to hurt Sis. FUCK. Why hadn't SOMEone said something so it could have all been cleared up &/or I could have apologized??
So now I'm trying to figure it out. Like MAYBE I had gotten a tax refund & joked to D 'don't tell Sis' (but WHY would I have done that?) & then Doris told her what I said. That's ALL I can think of.
You see Sis was D's big confidant. And Doris must have bitched to Sis about EVERYTHING that bugged her about me. Which is plenty. And D was PROUD to have taken Sis out to eat so often (her husband had CUT HER OFF after Sis had gone out & spent ALL his money (Thousands & thousands) - everything in his savings - she was so pissed about his "whore" on the side.) He even didn't get her another car when her Lexus lease was up so D had to take her everywhere.
So I think Doris did it, - even tho' she is acting like she has no idea and what the hell is going on here. I am SO furious AND hurt that she felt a need to say something like this to make herself seem to Sis that D is the only one who cared SO much about sis that she would spend all her money taking care of her.
No wonder Sis was so cold to me in the end.
Well I want to explode & scream at D, BUT she has bad blood pressure & is already so depressed, down & out the Sis is DEAD. She has nobody to bitch to anymore. And I do know she loved & treasured her SO dearly. Probably more than me if I want to be real about it. She is having a HARD time dealing with the lonliness of not having her favorite sister.
So I shall just have to swallow the disappointment & feelings of betrayal. In the end I suppose it's not that important.
In fact it seems so stupid.
I always am over-complaining about being broke & not having enough money. D & Sis thought I was always being petty & ridiculous to talk about it so much & also tell everybody. Yet & STILL they are the money fuck-ups & MONEY has always meant the MOST to them. And I feel pretty sure that Doris would not be with me & put up with all my shit if I weren't able to pay for so much & spend money on HER. I HAVE always tried to take good care of her & make no mistake about it Doris IS expensive.
So anyway. What the fuck ever. That is where I am today. Guess we'll all get over this sooner or later. Guess I'll try for sooner.
Where is my antidepressant?
Friday, February 25, 2011
Got a new whirlpool tub to replace the new CRACKED tub.
It is VERY nice, altho' it was a definate nightmare redoing it all.
Phew! So GLAD it is over now. I truly HATE having men in the house. Hate it.
Gained another 2.8 lbs from the hibernating with all the blizzards & snow. That about brings it up to 10lbs. I am a jerk. The sad thing is I really LOVE just laying around watching tv all day & , oh yeah - EATING cake, cookies, PANcakes & other crap. What the HELL am I going to do with myself? It is SUCH a struggle to get my fat ass back on track, let alone to the gym.
I can hear Doris' dead sister hollering down - You're Next!
Not kidding, I really heard that.
Bought new red glasses today, they'll be ready in 10 days.
Then got my teeth whitened. They don't look that much whiter, so I plan on going back. My face is fat now so maybe I can take the focus off my chipmunk cheeks & blind folks with my choppers.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Another month has passed without writing, so much has happened that i can't even recall so I'll try free-association...
Doris' favorite Sister passed away in her sleep, it was a terrible shock for everyone. Doris is devastated, they went everywhere together & were like 2 peas in a pod. She can barely handle it, I feel so bad for her. As for me - I'm grateful it wasn't D.
Doris' younger son is still in town & Doris runs to save him when he can't pay for his blood pressure meds, doesn't have any food (since he DOESN'T work,) etc. He is living rent -free in her other sister's apartment. Women ALWAYS run to this man's (& I use the term loosely) rescue. It still disgusts me. D adores him. I adore D. I am stuck with her fucked-up kid & her fucked-up behavior around him... And she actually doesn't get why he makes me sick. I try to ignore it all - doesn't look like it's gona change. ever.
I've been binging on cake, candy & cookies since D's 75th bday last month & have gained 8 lbs back. damn. Also it's the whole hibernation thing - staying in all winter from ALL the snow storms. Just eating too much & making bad choices. I have GOT to get a fucking grip on food again because it already took so long to loose that fucking 8 lbs & now I have to do it all over again before it gets worse.
I hate winter.
I get fat & boring.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Awoke this morning to cold air blowing out of the damn furnace.
This with another snow storm falling sometime tonight.
Panic Panic Panic!!!!
What to do? What to do?
Had immediate diarrhea (sorry - this happens whenever I freak.)
So my beloved Doris went down to the basement.
Turned off the furnace switch.
Waited 10 minutes.
Turned the furnace switch back ON and
T H A N K Y O U J E S U S !!!!!!
The FIRE lit up & the blower came back on!!!
She's such a genius!
WE HAVE HEAT!!!!!!!
Alleluia to God Goddess Universe!!!
So this just reminds me how much I am grateful for
And the 'little' things I so often take for granted,
Even tho I pray & give thanks each day!
Thank You God for everything You have given me!
63 years of LIFE!
Parents who adopted me
My doofus brother :)
My best friend TINA growing up to share misery with
Retiring from a good job without getting fired first after 42 years!
Great shrinks in the past that healed me
AA, DA, SIA, CA, OA, all the anonymous meetings that helped me get real & live clean & sober
30 yrs clean & dry
So Many Wonderful Flight Attendants I worked with
My Mac laptop
And most of all
Doris and her Love!
usually - ha!
Thank you Thank you Thank you
God Goddess Universe Thank YOU!
I Am So Blessed.
Saturday, January 01, 2011
Just re-read last new year's resolutions, which was to loose weight. And to clean my room.
Well I did loose 25 lbs. Gee-that's not so much. But it is DEFinately better than nothing. So if I can get 25 more off this year, I'll be closer to 'normal.' At least I don't look as obese as last year! Thank you Jesus!
And I am better at cleaning the house this year, BUT my closet room has never looked worse.
However it's because I threw a bunch of stuff in there from the bathroom when we were having it 'renovated'... & I use THAT term loosely... then about 50 folded tee shirts fell off a top shelf onto my desk chair & I've just left them there. So what, that's my feeling... bfd. BUT now I'll have to tackle all that this year. Doris is still calling me a hoarder. So I have started calling her one too. Very grown up. She has a lot of clothes too... She's just more organized with them all. So There, ha!
The big tub we put in the bathroom has a foot long crack in the side from which water cascades all over the fucking basement. Just great.
No more long soaking baths.
Back to the whirlpool a the gym.
Until I figure out what to do.-
Looking for the receipt from Home Depot.
I am trying to quit diet coke. Had 1 the other night & it kept me up till dawn. I need to drink more H2o. Stopping diet coke for 2 weeks I only lost .4 lbs sheesh. I miss it & thought it was keeping me from drinking more water & loosing more weight.
Just got over a cold from thanksgiving & NOW I am coming down with another one after Xmas. Both colds I got from one of the grandkids coming to the house to 'celebrate' deathly sick with horrible colds. (read double pneumonia) I hope this one doesn't go into a flu, cause that's what happened to the infected kids last week.
Seriously. Big pet peeve: If you are sick & have a BAD cold would you PLEASE stay home & not infect us all??? No matter WHO you are. It's so fucking wrong.
Other than that, Thanksgiving & Christmas were great with all of D's kids & grandkids coming over both days. Sweetface was so happy with them all here & I am kinda liking not having to drive 2 hrs coming & going to cousin Michelle's for the holidays. We just waited here for them to arrive, then climbed up to bed once they left!! It really was great.
Do I need to say it again; Retirement is FABULOUS!?! So good.
Doris & I are getting along swell this year. Thank you Jesus!
I am trying to be cool & genuine about accepting the younger son for who he is. Even tho' he is still not living up to what I think could be his full potential, but that's just my judgment, which has nothing to do with reality...
Even tho' his reality to me is disappointing, I am trying to let go of my condescending thougths of him not to mention any disgust.
Even when he was picked up on an OLD bench warrant for child support from Dtw 2 weeks ago & thrown in jail for 4 days.
Tho' I wasn't going to post bail for him, I was glad when he did get out the day before Xmas - without having to pay Anything - ! Seems he always amazingly gets by somehow so why do I even worry or fret? And I was relieved because my Poopsie was relieved & happy he wouldn't spend Christmas in the pokie & would be here with the rest of the fam.
So not easy to feel loving towards him when he gets so many women to do any & everything for him. (Which includes his mother, Aunt Barbara & sister Sharon... not to mention any other female who looks in his direction.) Which is weird since he's lost half his teeth. Straight women are just SO desperate.
Oh & get this: he told me he is going home & getting back on welfare so he can get his teeth fixed for free. (smh.) sigh.
I really need to go to a dentist but have no coverage in retirement. And this, & every other lazybutt, can get free dental work AND teeth replaced on welfare. It's the first time I've ever thought about going Republican.
Now that would be shocking.
Happy New Year to us all!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
My sweet little BooBoo was put to sleep at 1130 on Mon Dec 13, 2010 when the surgeon operating on her determined cancer in her upper R. jaw was spreading to her eye, which had been closing for weeks.
He kept her under anesthesia so she was already asleep, & we went to the hospital to be with her when they put her down. I called on Roxie & Panther to meet her in heaven, leaned down & said to go to the light BooBoo. We petted her head, stroked her body, told her We Love Her, laid our hands on her soft fur as the final shots were given to send her to peaceful rest without pain. God it was sad.
Our tears pouring, the nurses helped us wrap her in clean towels & we took her home. We dug yet another hole & buried her in the back yard next to her brother & sister Panther & Roxie. Doesn't everyone have a pet cemetery in the back yard?
It all happened so fast. I had just taken her to the vet 2 days before & heard the news - $1500 for surgery she desperately needed. I was in shock as I applied for pet care credit then went home to talk to D about should I do this? To her credit, she didn't hesitate & said Yes. Made the appointment for mon morn. Had her in my arms & on my legs late Sun night, rubbing & smooshing on her, scratching her belly which she always loved. I hugged her, told her I loved her madly & she would feel so much better after her operation tomorrow.
She got no food or water & I know she so hungry & thirsty when I took her in for the consultation with the surgeon before the surgery. When he looked inside her mouth I could tell by his face & the "ooooh!" my heart dropped. He said to me if I get in there & it's too bad it would be kinder to the kitty to put her down then & not bring her out of the anesthesia, would you be okay with that? I said just call me so I can come & be with her in her final moments. I hugged & kissed BooBoo, told her 'I love you' before handing her over, & they walked out the door. I started crying, even tho' I still had hope. I was in such denial.
I was in denial the whole year when her teeth started getting bad & infected. Since I had no money I didn't take her in. I am the worst mother. I could have taken care of this in the beginning, $5oo would have been easier to take than $1500. I would have had my beautiful pussycat maybe another year at least. Maybe even more. I am so regretful & guilty. Guilt Guilt Guilt Guilt.
I am so grateful for our 17yrs with my wonderful BooBoo. She was So SWEET, such a good little girl. I miss so much snuggling my face in her warm, soft fur as she purred out her contentment. I really loved that.
I'll always love you Boobula. You were my joy. Sleep well in peace, my beautiful little furbaby. I miss you madly.