Monday, November 27, 2006

oh whoa is me

Thank God I've now finally had 2 nights of sleep in a row, it's been shit.  The phone rings at any & all hours for the frickin' son.  I'm about to scream & WAS going to pick up an extra flight just to get my own hotel room for some rest.  Then D told me we were taking his children back home & he was going to stay with some friends a few days.  Thank the Lord.  I have been complaining constantly & Doris has been praying for strength to stand my complaining... as if there's been no reason for it.  She is perfectly happy to have him here.  (Stupid ass no birth control using ex het that she was.)  This 'child' (dumb fuck bastard) is 43.  She loves him.  His children whom he has never sent child support for & Maybe sees once a year (now 16 & 18) love & adore him.  Me,.. he doesn't amuse in the least. 

Well tomorrow is my last day off, after which  I'll be flying 4 days in a row. Normally I would NOT look forward to that.

Don't have to report how I overate like a maniac for "Thanksgiving."  I crammed down TWO heaping plates of delicious food faster than I could even imagine.  I KNOW I've put a lot of weight back on.  Dang.  You know, that's the problem when one is SO rigid & focused for months...  Once you take a bite of deleciousness off the "food plan" it's too hard to stop!  I SO miss the cheese & pasta & rolls & carbs.  (Ate all of it..)  And if I touch sugar, chocolate, ice cream, cakes & cookies (I DIDN'T!) then I'm off on a binge on that, too.  Good for me that I didn't cave in & grab all the desserts!  At least I can say that.  phew!

Tuesday, November 21, 2006


Oh Bummer.
It's started for real.
D's youngest son is here laying around the living room watching music videos.
I got in last night from flying & he informed me he'll be here till Dec 15th.  Great.
I've been working so hard, am flying out again today, have been looking to 5 days off for Thanksgiving, I'm SO tired.  But he'll be here. 

Hopefully I'll get a grip, for Doris' sake.  However, I don't see her giving much of a shit about my sake.  It's always about whatever they do, want, say , are.. is okay with her. 

I know myself.  This isn't going to be good.  Guess I'll have to pick up trips & fly back out.  It's not right.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

"THIS is the forest primeval. The murmuring pines and the hemmlocks..." Longfellow

God, I LOVE the smell of a forest, esp after a hard rain!
And it had been pouring here in NJ & PA all last week.  Luckily the sump pumps kept working & the basement didn't flood!

Doris finally drove me to the Poconos today!  It's rather late, I had been begging to go all last month for the changing of the leaves, but alas people died & D sings at funerals.  Plus she went to her Arts High School reunion in Newark, which I would never complain about as I always love mine in Texas. 

So as we drove up the narrow mountain at Worthington State Park, excess rain water was still pouring off jagged high rocks, thru the woods in random waterfalls down to the Delaware Water Gap. It sounded spectacular!   It's my most favorite place ever, although with the naked trees I barely recognized it.

Still, when I stepped out on the glistening leaves all over the ground & walked the trail into a favorite spot I call the Cathedral of Pines down by the water's edge, the smell was intoxicating!  The damp moss, the black earth, pine needles, crunching of the gravel mixed with tons of yellow & orange leaves, with a gentle breeze wafting thru, water trickling thru creekbeds with the rocks catching the sunlight and the peaceful river flowing by, - Oh My GOD!  I love nature! 

I drew a deep breath & let it out slowly thru perched lips.  I did it again, trying to center my head & being. 

Doris was being very loving.  No one would ever know that when I got home from my flight well after midnight last night that she would be such a bitch to me.  We started to argue of course about her son who had called collect to say he is coming & something I feel uncomfortable about concerning a grandson whom I love, but do not agree on what is happening.  She was SCREAMing at me & I was SCREAMing at her at the top of our lungs around 0200am in the still of the night.  I'm quite sure every neighbor on the block was awakened & heard it ALL.   Not good.  Really bad.  Pretty embarrassing.  We have never done that before.  Not so that the neighbors could hear.

This crap always happens when her children/grandchildren are in the picture.  If I ever disagree about anything, we get in a fight, as she rares her back like a mother lion to protect whatever dumb shit they might be doing or that might occur.  And the holidays are practically now, so here we go again. 

One might think I would learn from experience & just shut the fuck up, try to go with the flow.  But I get these visceral reactions to what I perceive as wrong &/or even possibly illegal at times.  We come from 2 really different worlds & extremes.  What she may consider survival I could easily consider potential for trouble. 

Yet, we've made it for 25 years together.  Sometimes I really don't know how.  I would like to think it is pure love.  But when these arguments happen, & they always seem to during holidays or around family, it becomes clear she will always put them before me & that my opinion means nothing.  I always feel betrayed or unloved.  I panic that we are coming apart & think we would both be happier with someone else. 

Yet when I'm away I can barely stand it without her.  That's one good thing about my job, it makes us appreciate each other in our absence.  So imagine my surprise when I returned home & she was immediately annoyed at me.  Like I was disturbing her peace.  She knew I would get upset when she told me her son was coming & her grandson was getting mail here as if he were living with her.  And I was upset.  And tired.  And she started saying what a drag I am & she couldn't stand me.  And I told her I couldn't stand her either.  We said we made each other sick.  And started hollering at the top of our lungs.  I thought why are we together?

I didn't sleep much.  And was surprised when she woke up saying get up Poochie & get dressed so we can leave.  I said are we going somewhere?  She smiled & said didn't you want to go to the Poconos?  She was very nice to me all day.  And I was nice to her.  Love won out.  Or so it seems.  It turned out to be a good Saturday after all.   A wonderful, relaxing Saturday.  Thank you God. 

Sometimes I really wonder if I am crazy.
Or just going that way.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Looking For "THE ONE"...pt5 Written 8/1/05

Edit Entry   Delete Entry

Looking For "The One"...Pt 5 

     Well, the next weekend I was back at  the Electric Circus, trolling for fine, bent babes.  I was wandering around the top tier that had a glass wall looking down on the dance floor.  I grabbed a grapefruit juice from the upstairs bar & then I spied HER on the other side of the room.  It was the woman on the carousel & wow, did she look beautiful!  I nonchalantly meandered over to her side.  Yikes, she was really tall!  And tough, yet elegant.

"Hi," I smiled brightly "wanna dance!?"


     She slipped me a glance through squinty eyes, then looked back at the glass wall, down toward the throbbing dancers. Dang, she was reserved & aloof.  She did Not seem interested.

"So you Dont want to dance?" I said lamely.

She gave me the once-over & said "come on," & down we went to join the thundering crowd.

    I  attempted starting a conversation while dancing away, trying to match my steps to hers.  But she didnt seem talkative. Her name was Doris & she lived in New Jersey.  (Oh, crap- the kiss of death to someone who wanted a City girlfriend.)  Plus just when Id get my steps going with hers,she'd change beats.  Gees Louise, she didnt seem much into partner dancing.  She worked at General Motors & made Cadillacs.  (oooh, I could just See her throwing those car doors & fenders around!)  Trying to get any info from her was like pulling teeth.  But we kept bouncing to the tunes, & I guess she could see I danced better than all the other white girls...  Not that she seemed to care.  Well this was odd. 


     I finally said, "What's the matter, havent you ever been with a white woman?"  To which she replied, "Not really.  But I do have white friends at work."  (Im thinking, Oh great.)

   "So lets meet here again tomorrow night," I boldly asked.

     Just then her friend comes & jerks her away saying "we gotta go..."  Im thinking rats!  Then she turns around & says, "I'll see you tomorrow night."


 I smiled broadly & waved goodbye.

     So, that's how it all began.  Doris & I kept meeting at the Dyke Clubs.  We'd call every now & then, but she still didnt say much.  I cant really tell you we developed a friendship, it was more like a close acquaintance.  I thought she was secretive, but it turned out she was quiet.  She was nice, but not too demonstrative.  She acted tuff, but she was sweet.  She was elegant with a butch edge.    She appeared to be a good woman, but something just didnt seem right. I didnt like her friends, the girls she hung out with. Some of them were people I wouldnt want to be around.  I dont know why I kept chasing after her ass, but I couldnt seem to stop.

     For one thing, Doris was 6 ft tall & magnificent.  She was a cross-between  Cicely Tyson & Nancy Wilson at the time.  Her face was just frickin' beautiful, & her lips were exquisite!  She had a lot of style & carried herself with class.  And she could Sing like Aretha & Patty!  Damn, I wanted her.  I was SO turned on!

     I never knew who was going to show up when I would go meet Doris.  She would dress in different costumes all the time.  There was the army sargent, the navy enlistee, the marine, the cowboy, the boxer, the cop, the mafia guy, the banker, the firefighter, superwoman, my Lord, the list went on!  And she looked great as all of them!  "Dont you ever dress regular," Id say??

     One 4th of July I was out with an ex-boyfriend, & my best gay friend & his lover having dinner.  When dropping the boys at their apt the ex takes out cocaine & chops it into lines & offers it to them.  I just sat there in the front seat of the car, passing the mirror back & forth but didnt take any.  I didnt think it would bother me, but I got annoyed.  Suddenly, I HAD to see Doris.  I had to be with her.

      After they left, I told my friend to drive me to the Village.  The fireworks were just starting as he dropped me off at 6th Ave & Washington St.  Honey, I jumped out & marched right into De Jevu', a club for black women only, looking for Doris.  I went to the DJ booth & asked Bobbie if D. was there tonight.  Her smile disappeared when she realized I wasnt there to see her, "the tall one with the hat on in the back," she mumbled. 

     Doris was coming of the dance floor, saw me & said "KATHY!" & gave me a big hug.  I told her I had to see her, I hope she didnt mind that I busted into the 'sister space.' (man, all those women acted pissed at me.)  She said she was so glad I did & we sat at the bar & talked for hours.  We decided we wanted to date for real, to be together.  I said "How long do you think we should wait to make love?"  She replied, "About two months."  I smiled.

     We walked outside for her to drive me home.  We reached Washington & McDougal St, across from Washington Square &  she kissed me on the corner there!  Our first kiss!  Boy, it was a wet one.  yikes.  The 4th of July fireworks were still going off!

     After that, I peddled my ass all over town trying to tighten up & worked out at the health club everyday, steamed about 50 different conditioners in my long hair each night & exercised in my hotel rooms on layovers just to become even more fabulous for our upcoming night together in two months!

     Well, we only made it to 2 weeks!  One night after leaving De Jevu' we stopped off at the Blue Note on 6th Ave & 4th St.  I said lets take a cab to my apt & come back to meet your friends later!  She agreed, but went up to the ladies room 1st.  I later found out she smoked a small joint because she was nervous being with her first white woman.

     I hailed a taxi & we zoomed uptown, ran up the steps & into my studio.  We started kissing as soon as we got in the door, & I led her over to my platform bed.  It was carpeted 4 ft off the floor in the corner, with big mirrors on the walls & a mirror on the ceiling.  A white silk bedspread was tucked around the king mattress with about 20 pink, fat pillows all around.  We threw ourselves down & finally began to share the bliss that we had wanted for so long.  What do you know, Doris turned out to be an expert at giving GREAT head!!!  This is the ONLY person Ive ever been able to come with everytime she went down on me!

     God, she was beautiful!  She was 11yrs older than me & a real Woman!  Her body was to die for, & her skin was SO Soft!  It was exciting, yet a little tense. It was Hot, yet a bit tempid.  It was liberating, but somewhat rigid. It was fun, yet awkward.  We were both scared, yet relived!  It was not perfect, but it was great!  Our fit was not exact, but damned if we didnt have some grande potential! 

     We got back to the club, somewhat disheveled & feeling glorious!  I was glowing again, & had never danced so loose.  Things felt different now.  I was hers & she was mine.  She was mature & I could count on her.

     That was July 17th, 1981. Happy Anniversary to us, 24 yrs later!  Life is GOOD & I Am BLESSED! 

     I would like to say our relationship was easy, but it has been a long intense road! I sent Doris a dozen white roses the day after our 1st encounter, & called to find out if they were delivered!  Another woman answered the phone.

"Who was THAT?"  I asked.

"Oh that was my daughter."  she said.

"WHAT???  You have a child?"

"Yes I have 3"  A 22yr son, an 18yr daughter, & a 16yr son.

"WWWHHHAAATTT?????  Why didnt you tell me?"  I said unbelivably.

"You never asked," she simply replied.

     I was shocked.  Back when I loved men, the weekends were always messed up because their children would come to visit.  With women, of course, the kids LIVED there everyday.  I used to be wild & uninhibited in the rack, & now I had to moan & groan quietly.  And not walk around nude.  And not grab & kiss their mother in front of them.  Jesus. 

     When Doris would go to work, her daughter & friends would smoke pot & when I asked them not to do this in front of me, her daughter said "This is my house, I can do what I want."  They would also eat food that I bought (being borderline diabetic) & it wouldnt be there when I returned from a flight. 

     Doris' ex girlfriend would just walk in the house, walk in the bedroom when we were in bed, & walk into her closet to "borrow" clothes to wear.

     Doris had NO Control over any of them, & really couldnt handle my bitching about it all.  When she moved to another apt, I thought great!  At least we'll be away from her ex, only to find out she moved to where her ex had just moved.

     I LEFT.  Yep, I bolted twice over the years.  I couldnt take all the bullshit insanity.  She went and brought me back each time.  I remember one night in particular.  We were in the bedroom.  Grown children were in the livingroom, each sleeping -or whatever- with their girlfriends/boyfriend.  It was riduclous & gross.  I had it, & left the bedroom, went & peed with the door opened, stepped butt naked over each couple on the floor or mattresses on my way to the kitchen, where I got a soda from the fridge, stood & drank it with the appliance light shining on my pale titts & ass while holding the door open, slammed it, then stepped back over the "sleeping" group, went back into the bedroom & closed the door.  

      Doriswas pissed, but they all stopped bringing their fuckees over shortly thereafter.  I would scream to Doris that it may be "normal" to her to have full grown men laying around in their fucking jockey shorts, but that it was totally destructive for a lesbian relationship.  If I wanted to have that, I could have stayed with men.

     The 'straw that broke the camel's back' was when her daughter got pregnant & had a baby.  So okay, the little bundle was precious, but her daughter was always "out" & leaving the child with Doris.  Id get in from a flight & she would put the baby in my arms & pass out from exhaustion after work.  I was drained too & needed her attention.  But a tiny newborn needs constant attention  & with our tedious jobs, we were just empty, tapped out.


     Now I was only into my 1st year being sober.  I was having a hard time dealing with such total, out-of-control insanity, let alone my own life problems.  Doris could only stick her head in the sand so as to Not deal with anything.  I finally said, "Doris, if you want to raise your granddaughter, I think you should.  But if I wanted a child I would have had my own."  To which she replied, "Ive spent my whole life sacrificing, sometimes working 3 jobs at a time trying to raise my children on my own. Im NOT going to raise their's."

     Shortly thereafter, the kids were out of the house & on their own.  And we were finally ALONE AT LAST!  It actually took about 4 or 5 years before we became deliriously happy.  I started going to AA meetings.  I had not gone into "the program" when I first put down drugs & booze.  It really helped, I started to feel more understood by others going thru similar problems.

     Then I went into Debtors Anonymous to clean up my bills.  After that came Survivors of Incest Anonymous, & from there I got a new, wonderful shrink who truly helped me to become a better person to Doris.  She helped me to become whole &  I actually owe my life to her.  I then started going to Co-dependants Anonymous, & then Sexual Compulsives Anonymous.  That is where I really got my life together, & Im sure Doris was relieved that I slowly stopped behaving like a sex addict & quit trying to wake her up for so much 'personal attention' all the time.  The only problem with that is eventually I needed Overeaters Anonymous...  & still do to this day.

     We started to build the life we wanted & were ecstatic when we were finally able to buy our own house about 10 years ago.  The children & grandchildren (there are 5 now) may come by during weekends, but nobody lives here but us, 2 cats & a dog!  Life has been wonderful & we know we have been truly blessed!

     Now, the only thing we have to adjust to is Doris being retired.  She is here every minute of the day & we can tend to get on each others nerves now.  (Well, more so than before.)  Believe me, it's an adjustment.  But Im not really worried.  After everything we've been thru for the past 24 years, this should be a peice of cake!

     Looking back, it's a miracle we've made it this far.  We are total opposites & it's taken a lot of hard work, patience & Love. I adore my splendid, sweet, beautiful woman, she is a true gift from God, Goddess, Universe.  I treasure & cherish our life together & there's no one else in the world I'd EVER want to be with.  It took many years, but I actually trust that she would not run around on me.  We spoil each other & take care of each other.  Im always SO proud to be with her & to this day I just crave to look at her exquisitely beautiful face.  I am the luckiest woman in the history of the universe & I thank God everyday!

     Life is GOOD.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Looking For "THE ONE"....Pt4 written 7/31/05

    written for The Lesbian



      Needless to say, the rest of my vacation was undeniably frenetic!  I was IN LOVE,  Judy surprised me, captured me, took me to a frantic, delirious high!  It was SO good to feel HAPPY again!  I walked around  with a natural, pink body blush, & not just in my cheeks!  I was floating on clouds.

     For Christmas I went down to 'The Hour Of Power' church in Garden Grove (Now known as the Crystal Cathedral..) & bought J. a Big, Gold Cross that said "God Loves You & So Do I."  She'd give me her car to drive when she went to work as a part time drug counselor, so Id go home to hang with my parents.

     We'd spend lazy nights together under the stars & have brunch at the beach!  New Year's Eve, we went to some California Dyke Bar, but we really just wanted to be back in bed at her apt, together alone.  Soon it was time to go back to work & NYC.  I vowed  to try to come see her on the weekends.

    But it wasnt all that easy carrying on a long distance relationship.  I was pretty junior in those days, & I could only hold the weekends off if I flew 4 days in a row.  That left flying half the day friday to lax to see my beloved, & flying half the day sunday back to jfk to cover my schedule on monday.  phew!  Saturday was the Only day I wasnt on a 727or a DC10.  It felt like I was spending my Whole Life on an airplane.  Talk about jet lag!

     To make matters worse, our lovemaking started to dry up.  Jude began to balk at 'performing on demand.'  Okay I can understand that, but gee wiz...  as far as I was concerned, Damn!  Time was of the essence!!!  I mean, we only had small windows of opportunity to be together before I had to leave again.  What was the problem??? 

     She was starting a project with Paula Prentiss & Dick Benjiman as a camera person, filming their new movie.  J. operated big video camera's & worked on films.  During her spare time she would work on writing her own script.

     The months started to drag on.  I was exhausted, killing myself flying my brains out 4 days in a row to get to my girlfriend, only to be told, "not tonight, Im not in the mood."  I tried to be reasonable, I tried to understand.  But I clearly became upset.  Our love had gone from Feast to Famine.

     What the FuCK????  We were only  months into the relationship & already She was never in the damn mood.  How much worse would this get in years to come?  What the Hell was going on here???  What was wrong with me?  What was wrong with HER???  What the Shit Happened??  Here was the Best, most Erotic Butch Id ever known just laying STILL by my side.  Week after week.  And I was bustin' my butt just to get to her.  FOR WHAT???  I was stymied.  I felt sad.

     And by the way, what the HELL was UP with White Girls & Sex & their fucking stubborn moods???  Nothing I any longer cared to deal with, that's for sure.  This was pissing me off.  It was aggravating.  


     Okay here was MY problem:  I was only a few months clean & dry.  I had no Way to escape the pain & sorrow of my past with substances anymore.  I HAD TO FUCK!!!  Sex would take me out of the torment & agony of withdrawal.  Great Sex would get me high again.  Constant Sex would make me forget about Wendy, Kay, Charlie, my Mother, -hell!- Everyone & Anything that had hurt me thru my life.

     J. needed space just to be & time to get turned on, with no expectations.  Im not sure what else because she did not feel free to articulate it.  What used to delight & amaze her about me was no longer even  in her memory .  And her aloofness on the subject was becoming a bore.    

     Okay, we both knew it was going downhill...  All the long distance phone calls in the world could not make up for withholding sexual intimacy.  Fuck that shit.  Long distance relationships didnt work for her.  We discussed that we were coming apart.  It was so soon, I was morosely disappointed.  It was all extremely bittersweet.  We were both good, beautiful women, we still loved each other, but it was just not  working.

     I was depressed & so was Jude.  Although we agreed we were over, we decided to take a car trip down the Pacific Coast Highway for a few days & make it a good ending.   We went thru Malibu, Santa Barbara, San Louis Obispo, Big Sur & ended up in Carmel!  We stayed at a wonderful cabin with a fireplace, by a pond.  We ended up making good, even passionate love, but it wasnt the same.

     Still, we had FUN, it was a wonderful way to say goodbye.  After driving back down the PCH, she dropped me off at the airport.  We hugged at the curb, tears were in our eyes.   I didnt want her to walk me to the gate, it was hard enough already.  I flew home to NY, & started working trips that gave me more time off .

       I began to start looking at other women at the Dyke Bars.  One night after coming in from a flight I went to the Electric Circus on 5th Ave & 15th St, which was run by a lesbian (AAL agent) during the night time.  Now THERE was a creative entrepreneur!...  But she smoked, so forget it. 

    I was dancing up a storm with all my disco friends & then I saw HER!  Across the floor, an attractive, older black woman was sitting side saddle on a carousel horse, holding on to the brass pole & surrounded by a harem of Brown Sugars!  She was dressed in a tan army uniform.  Yawning.  About to go to sleep.  Hmmm.  Interesting.  She looked kind of worn around the edges, but pretty enough.

     Well, never mind.  If she was that tired, SHE probably wasnt interested in sex Either.  I blew it off & continued dancing until I was numb, then hailed a cab home around 0300am.  Perhaps I would meet 'Carousel Lady' another night, if she came back.          

Friday, November 03, 2006

Looking For "THE ONE"...pt3 written 7/30/05

  Written for The Lesbian Lifestyle...


     Coming off of drugs is HARD.  I was a zombie.  Reality stunk.  I could only take it one minute, one hour, one day at a time.  yada yada yada YAWN.  I tried to sleep it off, so life wouldnt be so painful.  I wanted my lover back, my sweetbaby Wendy, my reason to breathe.  But that was not to be.  She had already set up house with Maria, the fucking receptionist.  The rage I felt was overwhelming.

     I was exhausted.  It was a effort to roll out of bed, an effort to pee, an effort to plod one foot after another.  But I had to try, I wasnt getting any younger & my life was a mess.  I felt like a royal fuckup & wanted drastically to improve.  I was trying with all my might & each day got a little better than the last.

     It wasnt the booze or coke that I missed, it was the pot.  I missed smoking dope.  If I were to be really honest, I still miss weed to this day.  I MISS POT.  Cant touch it, Wont touch it.  But definately miss it.

     I dont know how, but one day I started to notice the sun was shining.  The world seemed to be going by whether I took part in it or not.  Well, how rude was that?!  I'd better pay serious attention since I was choosing life instead of death. I had missed out on fun & actually had to focus in order to find a sense of humor again.

     If the fatigue deep in my soul would ever just give me a break, I could start to believe that maybe, just maybe life would be worth living once more.  Instead of praying for Wendy to come back, I began praying for Help& Grace, & the Will to go on to create my own destiny.  

     It was time for Christmas vacation & each December I went home to my parents in Los Angeles.  My mother was quite an unhappy woman, & we never got along. To stay clean & sober, & deal with her shit was a lot to ask for.

     I thought of calling an old best friend of K's that we had often hung out with.  I had always liked her & I knew she used to be into drugs & had kicked her habits.  I shyly rang to tell her I was now drug free, I was coming to town to visit the folks, & it would be difficult.  Could I call her for moral support?  Judy was happy to hear from me & said we definately  would have dinner one night.

     A few days later I buzzed her again to say what time I was leaving & how I was looking foward to talking with her.  She replied, "Oh Kathymae Im going to do much more than talk to you!" I blinked as I felt a palpitation deep in my chest.  huh?  What did she say???  Oh my God.  I giggled & ignored her, saying Id call after reaching my destination.

     It was always great to see Mother & Daddy at first!  For about 2 hours.  Then reality would bang me on the head like a rubber mallot & Id remember why I lived clear across the other side of the country. I had a most difficult mother, but that'sanother story.  I could only handle her in small doses.  It didnt take long before I started to feel claustrophobic in my own skin, unable to breathe & Desperate to Escape.  

     I called J. & begged her to please take me away from all this!  We laughed & joked, I took a deep breath & said " oh by the way we're just going for dinner, it's too soon after W. for me to even think about sex... I dont want to lead you on or anything."  She laughed at my modesty.  "Oh Kath, no pressure.  Dont even worry about it, what will be will be. I'll just be happy to see you."  Wow, that feltwarm.  Oh!  A feeling.  A Good feeling.

     I nervously opened the front door, hugged & kissed her hello as I introduced J. to my parents.  WoW!  She looked good!  Real good.  DAMN good.  Oh, dear.

     We talked as she drove me from Santa Ana to Hermosa Beach.  What a joy!  My first time driving all over LA with a dyke!  God, it was liberating!  Far from my NYC problems & cutting loose from my poor stodgie old parents, I felt free!  Oh my God it was fun,I was having Fun!  The hard work of recovery was paying off, I was starting to see a light at the end of a very long, murky tunnel.

     We drove to her apt bungalow a block from the beach.  The sun had gone down & fog had rolled in. The ocean smelled  fresh, but it was damp & cool with a slight December chill.  She gave me one of her black leather jackets to wear & she put one on as well.

     We walked around the corner to an East West restaurant.  The lights were dim & candles were flickering.  We began to really catch up on old times & the people we'd gone thru.  I have no idea what we said or what we ate.  I was on pins & needles, I couldnt even believe I was there with HER!

      I was mesmerized by her beauty & mystique...  The woman had ALways been Fine.  In the past I curiously watched her from a distance with all her different ladies, & I had stared at her close up when she & my 1st girlfriend K. would hang out as best friends.

     J was an enigma, & so fucking tough, SO FUCKing tough - yet beautiful.   She looked like Kate Jackson of Charlie's Angels & had the mystery of Greta Garbo.  She was as BUTCH as they come, but she was slick & gorgeous.  I tell you, the woman was FINE!

     So after dinner we walked down Main Street to the Hermosa Beach Pier.  Oh my God, the fog was lifting, the moon magically shining thru it.  Stars started to twinkle & waves softly lapped upon the shore.

     She put her arm around my waist as we strolled along the planks.  I put my head on her shoulder & we gazed upon the reflection of the moon across the ocean.  Her cheek went on my forehead & she kissed it gently.  We stood there & embraced, our hands sliding up & down our backs under our jackets.  I started to shiver & she said "Let's go back, you're getting cold."  We walked to her apt with our arms around each other, laughing & high on life! 

     Punk, her black cat greeted us at the door, it was good to get in from the dampness.  She turned on the TV & we sat on her bed.  I just relaxed in her arms & we laughed at Johnny Carson.  It was great.  No pressure, no expectations.  Just two grown women digging each other, sharing the joy.

     J. still had her arm around me.  I looked in her eyes, she raised my chin & kissed me deeply.  Our first kiss on the lips.  Oh God, she could kiss!  Really Good! We kissed & kissed.

     She moved her knee between my thighs & brought it up against me.  I started to burn. We Kissed some more, I dont know for how long. She slowly slid her body down my side, unbuttoning my white shirt, whispering in my ear, then lightly biting my neck.

     I arched my back bringing my breasts to her lips for awhile, then she pushed me underneath her.  I pulled my legs around hers & we started moving together.  Oh my God, we were a perfect fit!  It had never felt so right.

     My tight, tourquoise, courderoy jeans were soaked.  J. unzipped them & slid her hand inside my panties while she wasstill on top of me.  Her finger slipped inside & the thrill was beyond electric as she worked me over & I cried for joy.

     I started pulling off her jeans & we pealed everything from our bodies.  Naked at last the lovemaking continued to a fevered pitch!  My heart was pounding, my body exploding, I thought I had died & goneto heaven!  All thru the night, we did more & more.  Never had I ever known such exquisite sex!  The woman was a true artist, talented in teasing & pleasing beyond belief. 

     She finally fell asleep as the sun came up. I held her & stared at the ceiling with a huge smile.  This was my best night ever.  This was a blessed night.  I tried to sleep, but I was still too excited.  I closed my eyes & tried to doze off. 

     When J woke up a couple hours later, the Pointer Sisters were singing .... "Heaven must have sent you honey, to love only me..."  The song was perfect, exactly how I felt.  She was perfect, we were perfect together!  I had Hope! 

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Neato Stuff

Hi Y'all.
     I trust you're enjoying my chapters of Lesbiana angst in trying to fine Ms. Perfect.
Wait till Part 3...  It's the hottest one.  I'll put it up at midnight.  There are only 2 more after that.  Well, so far that is, Thank the Goddess! 

Just a few side notes from this week:

I've actually lost 51 lbs now AND I made Lifetime member.  Yeaaaaaaaaa!!!!  lt's a real miracle.  Now if I can just maintain forevermore...  A harder task than loosing, I'm realizing. 

I look better for sure!  I thought I'd be prettier, but I'm still old.  drat! 
At least I FEEL prettier.  And that count's for a lot!  Still got a spare tire, but I'm doing 200 sit ups & if this doesn't help, oh wellllllll!

Trying to be/stay healthy is not easy.  Shit.  I miss my food orgys...  you know...  sitting in bed all alone (I was on layovers in hotels) with all kinds of food galore spread out all over the matteress!  You know you're in trouble when you'd rather eat than fuck. 

Well those days are over, at least for now, one day at a time.  Thank you Jesus!

Last night Doris fell down four steps & hurt her toes.  We went to the hospital today, had xrays & an exam & toe wrap.  I think she's okay & they will call if her toes are broken or fractured.  She can walk.  And thank God it wasn't serious.  D is very accident-prone, but it's been a good while since we visited the hospital.  I know when ever we drive by there I always send up a little prayer of thanks that we aren't actually IN there!

As for me, I'm seeing a white light flash in the corner of my left eye for a week now.  I immediately went to the Eye Dr. & luckily it ISN'T a detatched retina & I'll be fine.  But I needed stronger glasses, which I'm waiting two weeks to get. It's SUCH a fucking scam that it costs SO much money for frames & progressive lenses.  So today I threw one of my hissy fits & got fitted for contacts.  It's amazing, I'm actually typing away here without having to wear readers!  But so far I don't see that well for distance.  Supposedly my eyes will adjust with time.    We'll see...  or not.  Luckily Doris was there to drive me home.  But right now, images on the big screen TV are a blur. 

A Church friend of Doris & her sisters has suddenly passed away.  She is 65 & had a huge asthma attack.  When she called 911, they couldn't understand her address, she must have been really gasping.  It's sad, she was great!  This weekend will be full of wakes & funerals.  Then I'll be flying out again on Sunday. 

But don't worry.  I'll keep posting my coming out chronicals for your reading enjoyment.  Ha!  It's good to be alive.

Looking For The One...Pt.2 repeat 7-28-05

Written for The Lesbian Lifestyle...
                                    7 28 05


     AAAAAfter a disasterous 1st foray into the World of Lesbiana, I doubled up on therapy sessions & flew extra trips to get the hell away from town.  It took me 4 months to jump back into the deep end & begin to troll the Women's Discos again.

     One night, back at "The Sahara" I saw adorable Wendy!  She was extremely striking! - Gorgeous in fact with a strong, young athletic body & a dazzeling smile for everyone.  SO cute, she looked like little Michael Jackson before all the surgery.


     W. was only 21yrs with high energy & I was 31yrs trying to pick up the pieces.  Never-the-less, when I had that 1st dance with her I felt Whole again.  We fit perfectly & she had divine rhythm, sexy burning rhythm!  Wow, I was smitten!  We started dating & soon she moved into my apt at 35 E 60th St. between Park & Madison.

     Well, I was delirious!  Finally, I found heaven!  I swear, life became everything I knew it could be, living with W. was wonderful.  We rode our bicycles all over town, we rollerskated in Central Park, we went dancing at least 2 times a week, we steamed out at the NY Health & Racquet Club, we sang in the Dignity NY choir, we'd order Chinese, take a blanket & picnic by "our lake" near the Central Park boat house, we went to Provincetown & had a great room on Commerce St. with a deck over-looking the ocean!  Sex was Hot, Sex was often, Sex was Fun!  Oh yeah, Love can fix it!  (Ashford &Simpson.)

     Since I was more established in my job as a Flight Attendant, I paid the rent & all thebills.  W. worked every day at a computer job but didnt make much.  She paid for us to eat out, which was a lot. I bought her presents from everywhere I traveled & everyplace around town, I wanted to give her the world.  

     One night at Dignity, W. leaned over & whispered "Let's write our own vows & get married!"  Now I hadnt wanted to get married when I was "straight," & I didnt feel the need to get married now.  But I DID want to make her happy.  So after dragging my heels a few weeks, she insisted I write my vows on my next 3day trip. I promised I would.

     It took me 3 hrs at my hotel room desk to write those words of promise.  Excited with my accomplishment I called W. & read them over the phone.  Complete silence.

"What's the matter honey, dont you like them?" 

"No, that was good."  More silence. 

"So what's wrong?" 

"I just want to talk to you when you come home."


     I flew the whole next day with a knot in my gutt.  As soon as I got to my hotel room in Phoenix that night I called her again.

"Tell me what's wrong." 

"No, I want to wait till I see you."  

"W. I cant stand it, please dont do this, tell me now." 

pause..."Im attracted to another woman."  


     I froze, ice cold.  All blood ran out of my body.  I started to shake in shock & disbelief.

"W. you told me to write wedding vows.."

  "I know, Im sorry."

  "You're Sorry???  Who is it?" 

 "It's the receptionistat my computer school." 

"Oh my God, you cant be serious?" 

"Im sorry.  I couldnt help it.  I tried not to want her." 

"But I love you, what about us??  I Love You, W...." 

"I know.  I'm sorry."

     We hung up the phone.  I was hysterical, I was going to be sick. I couldnt believe it, how could this be?  I thought she loved me.  She had me so convinced she was happy & we were forever.  I was awake all night crying, bawling, falling apart.

     I flew the next day in a dazed stupor, with the help of the other Flight Attendants who took up the slack when I would run to the galley & burst into tears over & over again. When I finally climbed the steps to my brownstone apt, I was morose.  I didnt land that night until after midnight, it was way late.  The City was quiet, the silence was deadening.  I opened the door... Home Alone....  I fell apart.  Her stuff was still everywhere around - everything I had given her.

But she was gone.

     One year of pure bliss.  Shot to hell.  One short year.  I had never know such happiness.  Now I never felt such grief.  I became listless.  I couldnt go on.  I fell deep into drugs & booze. I was in the dregs of depression.  There was no way up or out.  My shrink just shook her head.  I truly went crazy.  I even had a three-some with K. & her girlfriend she dumped me for.  They re-introduced cocaine into my life (I had already kicked that habit once before.)  I began to fuck indiscriminately, I tried to fuck other black women, but I couldnt, because I only wanted W.

     I fell deeper into every addiction I could do to try to numb the pain.  One night at the woman's disco "Manhattan", I started to feel like fainting.  Between the pot, the coke, the scotch & black russians, not to mention jetlag - I was going to keel over any minute.

     Luckily I didnt.  A friend drove me home.  She came inside & I could see her reflection in a mirror as I got her a drink. It was a look of disgust as she shook her head.  I felt embarrassment & shame.  I assured her I would be alright, & she left.

     Finally, alone again, Truly Alone.  I knew I had to get a grip.  Passing out was definately NOT cool. It was a wake-up call. No matter how bad or out of control I had been in the past, I WAS ALWAYS COOL.  I stopped cold turkey.  I never took another drink or drug again.   

     And as long as it took for me to get over W, I can honestly say I never even think about her today.  Never.  Of all the people in my past, she means the least to me.  I dont hate her or anything, in fact it'd be fine to run into her somewhere, someday.  I wish everybody Ive loved the best in life. 

     W's the one who got away.  I loved her too hard & too much.  She was like a lightning bolt in my life.  BANG!  And it was over.  Little baby lesbians will love you with all their heart & body & soul. Then they will see something across the room they havent had yet.  And off they go on a new adventure.

Goodbye, Adios. See ya later!  Capute, The End.


     It was a valuable lesson to learn.  No more little Chickie-poo's for me.  At least I now knew bliss with a Woman was possible.  I just had to focus on getting well and staying clean & dry.

     I had to get on with living!   

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

On Coming Out ....Looking For "The One" pt.1 A repeat from 7/26/05

  written for The Lesbian Lifestyle...



    Well, where to begin...  I was always attracted to both boys & girls when young.  I was addicted to "playing doctor" & prefered my little girlfriends. I knew something was "wrong" when we started growing up & they were no longer interested. I just couldnt understand it.


     When I got older, men were just ALWAYS around & they were SO EASY.  You get 'em up, you get 'em off.. nooo problem.  Women, on the other hand were very complicated & each one different with their own triggers that took a lot of time to glean!  As much as I loved them, I was damn lousy at it.. which of course is crap for one's morale.  I would just never make a good butch!...  not yet anyway.

     I had loved & lived with a lot of men in the past.  Sex was not what bothered me about them.  In fact it was all they seemed to be good for, & they made more money than most of us. It was their brains that pissed me off.  Their emotional development was like spit.  Impossible to trust, I always got hurt.  I do NOT share well.  "You're gona make me turn into a lesbian," Id tell the motherfucker's.

     Truth be told, I was just so damn curious.  And, I began to be desperately curious...  But Real Lesbians werent interested in women with men all around them.  (Consequently to what those conservative religious zealots think - we're not gona charge after all the straight girls in town, a Woman's Woman doesnt want - what some so crudely think of as - a man's toilet.)

     I would nervously go to the local dyke bar, The Duchess in Greenwich Village, & just sit on the barstools & look at my toes. I was shy, scared & too fancy in those days, nobody seemed interested.

     Finally I connected with bi-sexual women.  I would get crushes on them.  They were beautiful & tender & it was wonderful at last to get physically close to females!  But sooner or later they all seemed to want to bring me in to their male relationships, to want threesomes, to turn on their men.  blach!  I just wanted to be with only them.  I had my own boyfriend if I wanted a damn man.  It was too much.  And I knew something was missing, not right.

     One night I was at The Sahara, a fancy upscale east side lesbian bar, with a group of bi-women.  It was a Girls Night Out!  We were sitting around in a circle of white vinal chairs with silver arms & legs & short glass tables.  Of course we were all looking gorgeous, laughing & Loving the atmosphere!  And we were high.

     So along comes K.  She began flirting with everyone, particularly my girlfriend Lynn, a beautiful large-woman's model.  I was not so interested, she was not what I would be attracted to & I was cruising the room.  She tried to get me to talk, yeah I was from Texas like her, & even knew her sister from college.  Man, small world over there in New York City.

     The 3 of us went into the ladies room to smoke a joint.  (Okay, I was a druggie in those days, but I have 24 1/2 yrs clean & dry NOW.)  Lynn & K. were chatting up a storm, but I was just into the floor length mirror, toking weed & checking out my fine self (God, I was exquisite in those days!)  We left to climb the stairs to the disco room, when K. suddenly turned around midway, grabbed me, shook me & said "RESPOND TO ME."  huh? yeah, okay... whatever.   damn wierdo.

     The three of us began to dance on the crowded floor, & I was jumping around showing off my groove steps to the masses. Then suddenly the DJ slowed itdown & played "La VienRose" by Grace Jones (I'll Never forget it..)

     K. grabbed me & took me close to her, held me tight & Whoops There It Was!    Pelvis to pelvis, clit to clit, swaying, movin' & groovin'to that music.  OH MY GOD!!!  Never had I gone there!  Never had I felt that lightning bolt go thru me before!  I audibly gasped, "oh!" & fell back looking at her in disbelief.  Her eyes riveted into mine, smiling SLyly she said "What's the matter Sugar?"

     She pulled me back into her tightly, slowly leading me around the floor, swinging, swaying, never loosing contact with me down there, you know, rubbing,bumping to the slow, melodic beat..  She whispered in my ear, "You okay, Baby?"  I swear I melted right there, our bodies became one, every nerve felt electric, I was just gone.  And I became Hers.

     It took a week before she was able to come over to my apt in Chelsea, before we had real, lesbian nakedsex!!!  After thinking only of her on my flights, I could hardly wait till I saw her again!  It all seemed so perfect.  She lived with her girlfriend & I lived with my boyfriend.



     As soon as she got me in her clutches, she demanded I move in with her as she had unceremoniously moved her girlfriend out.  What??  I had nothing to do with THAT & it was shocking.  But, I had for So Long wanted to come out & be with a real Woman's Woman.  I felt guilty for hurting my wonderful boyfriend Doug but hell, he saw other women when I flew & on weekends when I would go to gay bars.  We had an understanding.  (After my previous boyfriend had crushed my heart to bits, I had told this one I was looking for a woman & I was done with men...)  So The 'Time Had Come', & altho' I wasnt sure -  it all seemed to be going Too fast.  She was getting Angry at my hesitation, which strangely made me feel she really wanted me.  I gave in & moved.

     Of course, it was not easy.  As soon as K. had gotten me over there in her 'clutches,' she suddenly didnt seem to be so interested in sex.  Not with me, anyway.  What was this???  What the HELL???  Why did she insist I move in if she didnt really want me?  She was so annoyed when I would reach for her in bed.  "Lesbians arent like men, Kathy they dont think about sex every minute.  Just go back to men if thats all you want."  Shit.  What a life, what a drag.  I so Much wanted to be a 'Real Lesbian' I stayed & kept trying & trying to be what she needed.

     Oh, by the way...  K was a big time Lesbian shrink, very well known in Greenwich Village.  As great as she was in her profession with others, she would often tell me I was wrong or crazy & follow with a long list of reasons why.  However, she was on lithium for depression & would go nuts constantly, literally screaming at me all the time.  She'd be nice, then she'd be mean.  She'd be great, then she'd be hidious.  She'd be happy, then she'd be crying for me to call her ex fucking girlfriend.  It seemed she was miserable & was determined to make me that way too.  I cried a lot.  I was totally insecure & confused. But I stuck by her, I really wanted to be the good girlfriend, I wanted to make her happy if that was at all possible.

     Then guess what happened.  She dumped me.  SHE dumped ME...  Ms. Bigtime psycho-therapist dropped me for one of her fucking (literally) CLIENTS.  Bitch.

     Of course, she swore this Person was no longer her client.  She supposedly had gotten her another shrink.  But I used to wait for K. at night after the group therapy sessions that she led was over, & this woman would always be walking out with the rest of the bunch.  Always.  Every week. Until the day I was "dismissed" from K.'s lair.   humph.  They may have fooled everyone else, but not me.  DEFinately NOT me.

    Oh & did I mention that K. had me start going to her own personal therapist about 2 months before she broke up with me???  And by the way, the new shrink her "ex-client" was now going to was the OTHER Dr. in the same damn office.  I thought I would loose my mind.

      After a year & a half of loving this demented nutcase I ended up in my own luny bin.  My head spinning, What the HELL happened???  What I thought would become ecstasy ended in a downward, spiriling abyss of insanity.  Looking back, it was the WORST relationship I ever had.  It was like living with my crazy-ass mother.  God, one of Those was more than enough.

     I tried to go back to men.  After all this, they seemed so uncomplicated.  But I did not want a man anymore.  One thing for sure:  If this coming out relationship with K. did not turn me off of women, then I knew for sure I really was a bonafide dyke.

     Now, almost 3 decades later Im not only a bonafide dyke, I am a happy dyke.  I finally know what it's like to be truly Loved & Cherished in spite of my flaws & imperfections.  But how I got from there to here is yet another story...  Actually a couple other stories....

     Incidentally, I see K. from time to time in the Women's Clubs.  It's always good to see her.  She still has a special place in my heart, no matter how bad our relationship together was.  After all, she was my first Woman's Woman.  She definately brought me out, for better or worse.  We all have that coming out story, & K. was mine.