Sunday, March 13, 2011

New Glasses!

New glasses.... whatever...
Always gotta get used to them.
Would never want to be 20 again...
But sure would like
To LOOK how I did then!

Would actually love to look 30 or 40, even!
The 50's and getting used to the 'PAUSE'
Totally took it out of me.

Now I have to try settling into the
More mature me in my 60's.
Love the 60's,
But looking like this ain't so easy
For one who used to always look fabulous...

I think it is harder on D
Since she has to actually see me everyday
As the mature version
Of the glamorous Babe
She fell in love with.
She is still keeping up her gorgeousness-
Makeup, divine clothes & shoes,
Still with the flare of a moviestar!

Since retiring I have let go -
No makeup,
Sweats & jeans,
Huge teeshirts &
Running shoes I SIT around in, haha.
To me it is True freedom!

But let's face it -
I look like shit.
Really OLD.
Older than I feel -
And I do feel old.
I've gotten frumpy.

Okay then SO...
I have rejoined Curves
So I shall start moving more -
Even if only for those 30 minutes a day.
I am amazed at
how much better I feel &
how much more stamina I have now!
Pretty exciting.
Even tho I HATE going.

Would rather just not move
Lay around
Watch TV
And sleep.
I AM still tired after all.

Well YOU try & fly overtime every month
For 42 fucking years
And just see if YOU
Don't have terminal jet lag.

I have only been able
To get myself to the gym
To work out once a week.
So adding Curves
Back to the equation seems
To be helping!

Hope to stop yoyo-ing
With my damn weight.
Need to loose 50 lbs &
Maybe my gross jowls will go down.

Aiming for dropping 15 lbs by summer.
At least I'm on a better path now.

Sunday, March 06, 2011

I'm Sad.

This will be boring, I am writing it down just to get it out.

D & I just went to Sis' house (her beloved sister who passed away about a month ago) to pick up some clothes. Her husband didn't want me to come in saying he wanted FAMILY only.

okaaaaay.... (wtf?) (we've been together for 29yrs but whatever.)

So I'm on the front steps & can HEAR him SCREAMING at the top of his lungs inside, ranting & raving about ME... huh????
He had heard I had come into some money & had said "don't tell Sis" & somebody told her & that had hurt her feelings SO bad. He was FURIOUS I had hurt his wife. (Like his decades of fucking around with his mistress didn't break her heart.)

Say WHAT?? When did I ever come into any money???
And WHY would I even say something like that if I did?
Sis had always been generous to me, as was her daughter & husband. Buying me dinners & having me over for holiday dinners. Each xmas I put together 10 huge picture albums for each family members that cost Thousands of $$$ to show my appreciation. It chronicled all the kids & grandkids growing up & is something they shall have for decades to come when everyone is old & gray. Also I did often pay for sis' dinners when she went out to eat with Doris & I.

So I was in shock to hear this & asked D what the hell he said - I has gone to sit in the car cause it was cold - she replied she didnt know, she just sat there on the couch staring at him until he cooled down & that he is crazy. (He DOES blather on these days.)

I wracked my mind trying to remember what or when I could have said or done this. Sis had been cold to me for quite a few years now, but I had ThOUGHT it was because I never told her that her husband had been having an affair. It had hurt MY feelings that we no longer seemed close. But I just blew it off because what could I do.

Finally I called an 80yr old cousin that was close to sis & D & asked if sis had ever said this to her?

SHE SAID YES, that Sis had told her & that it had really hurt her feelings. Say WHA????? Now I was REALLY baffled because I have NO memory or CLUE of this, Plus NOW I felt really bad I had done something to hurt Sis. FUCK. Why hadn't SOMEone said something so it could have all been cleared up &/or I could have apologized??

So now I'm trying to figure it out. Like MAYBE I had gotten a tax refund & joked to D 'don't tell Sis' (but WHY would I have done that?) & then Doris told her what I said. That's ALL I can think of.

You see Sis was D's big confidant. And Doris must have bitched to Sis about EVERYTHING that bugged her about me. Which is plenty. And D was PROUD to have taken Sis out to eat so often (her husband had CUT HER OFF after Sis had gone out & spent ALL his money (Thousands & thousands) - everything in his savings - she was so pissed about his "whore" on the side.) He even didn't get her another car when her Lexus lease was up so D had to take her everywhere.

So I think Doris did it, - even tho' she is acting like she has no idea and what the hell is going on here. I am SO furious AND hurt that she felt a need to say something like this to make herself seem to Sis that D is the only one who cared SO much about sis that she would spend all her money taking care of her.

No wonder Sis was so cold to me in the end.

Well I want to explode & scream at D, BUT she has bad blood pressure & is already so depressed, down & out the Sis is DEAD. She has nobody to bitch to anymore. And I do know she loved & treasured her SO dearly. Probably more than me if I want to be real about it. She is having a HARD time dealing with the lonliness of not having her favorite sister.

So I shall just have to swallow the disappointment & feelings of betrayal. In the end I suppose it's not that important.
In fact it seems so stupid.

I always am over-complaining about being broke & not having enough money. D & Sis thought I was always being petty & ridiculous to talk about it so much & also tell everybody. Yet & STILL they are the money fuck-ups & MONEY has always meant the MOST to them. And I feel pretty sure that Doris would not be with me & put up with all my shit if I weren't able to pay for so much & spend money on HER. I HAVE always tried to take good care of her & make no mistake about it Doris IS expensive.

So anyway. What the fuck ever. That is where I am today. Guess we'll all get over this sooner or later. Guess I'll try for sooner.

Where is my antidepressant?