Friday, June 29, 2007

Last Trip With Parilyn (Pam & Marilyn)

Okay, I've been off chocolate, ice cream, cookies & candy for a week. I do feel better (damn, that shit makes me dull & stupid...) but I only lost .2 of a lb at Weight Watchers weigh in yesterday.  Well, I was happy that at least I lost SOMEthing AND I got off the junk.  Man, sugar is SUCH a drug.  I want it.  At least I got a bit of a grip back, & well, practice makes perfect.

Tomorrow is the last flight I'll be taking with my flying partners that I triple buddy bid with.  It's bitter sweet.  I sure will miss those crazy bitches!  I'm dreading saying goodbye on sat night when we land back at Newark.  They won't let anyone give them a party, but I know some Flight Attendants have put up a banner for them in operations & 2 journals are being passed around for all to write comments & their fond farewells.  I bought Pam a ton of dark chocolate (she's a chocoholic!)  I bought Marilyn a ton of red wine (she's a ..well, nevermind.. she thinks we don't know.)  Of course, I got funny cards.  This is going to be really hard.  Maybe I'll be better after they're gone & all this is over with.  But I still sure feel sorry for myself that I can't join them, ESP since I'm  a year plus senior to them both. 

Since I last wrote, 2 of Doris' grandsons have graduated High School.  I was in town for only one of their commencements, but I cried when I saw him marching into the auditorium in his blue robe & tossel cap.  Of course I took a ton of pictures.  I was SO proud & it is aways such a miracle! 

I remember back when I graduated high school, wow.  You never again feel that happy or brilliant EVER!  It's such a wonderful time.  So sad to loose that sweetness & naivete. And that feeling that the world is your oyster!  Well, actually being naive wasn't so great.  But I sure as hell am not that sweet anymore.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Out Of Control

I am gaining weight.  I am eating deserts, more to the point, ice cream & chocolate.  Even worse, tons of it; once I start I can't stop.  I have no fucking will power.  I did so well in loosing 52lbs with Weight Watchers, but I find maintaining that is harder even than trying to loose.  I have to get a grip & just stop.  Shut my trap & eat only healthy foods.  It gets so boring.

Here's the thing.  My 2 flying partners are retiring at the end of this month when the last one turns 60.  I can not afford to retire.  I feel so envious, jealous, once again like a failure.  I feel like all I do is fly my ass off, picking up extra trips for overtime trying to make ends meet.  It's really hard.  I try to be grateful that I have a job I like with people I love to work with (who are NOW leaving) & that I'm lucky!  But with Doris already retired 2years, not getting an extra job & she has so much credit card debt & not enough income from social security & retirement- I'm knocking myself out trying to hold it together. 

I am planning to hang in there for 2 more years until I'm 62 & can collect social security in order to suplement retirement & I know that 2 years will pass fast.  But seeing the end so near for my friends, it just seems unending & so unfair. 

On the positive side, there are still a LOT of great FA's to work with & I KNOW there will still be many happy times.  Laughing is the thing that gets us thru these days & trips.  I do see a light at the end of the tunnel. 

So I gotta get a grip here & stop eating crap.  Stop trying to stuff the feelings of anger & pain.  I've done it before, I know I can do it again.  I just have to DO IT.  Addiction is so shameful.  Esp if it's only food.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

The Tony's

I was watching the Tony Awards tonight & when it started "A Chorus Line" was singing & dancing!  I started crying, singing along.  I always feel like SUCH a FAILURE since that is why I became a Stewardess in 68 - to get to NYC, study jazz ballet with Luigi & do Broadway chorus.  That was my huge goal in life. 

As it is, I still struggle to survive all the bad choices I made during my youth, thru out my life.  And unfortunately SEX, DRUGS & DISCO took my eyes off the prize & I've been dealing with the result of addictions since I finally faced them starting 27yrs ago. 

When I tearfully said to Doris "I'm such a Failure..." during one of the show's musical numbers, she said Don't feel bad Kathy, God's been VERY good to you.

She's right.  Case closed.

Not to mention, Doris fell down the steps about 0500am last night & we're SO LUCKY she didn't break anything & seems to be okay!  Phew!  Thank you God.
Scared me to death.

As far as Tony Soprano tonight - WTF???

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Char Margolis

I had a famous Psychic on a flight, Char !
She was so nice, sweet & very high energy with a beautiful, warm smile.  She asked me if my mother's name was Ruth.  I said yes. Does she know I'm sorry?  The lady sitting next to her said yes, all mother's know that about their children.  Char was quiet then said NO!  SHE's the one who's sorry.  You have nothing to feel sorry about.  She was very unhappy & made your life miserable. (tears started falling from my eyes.)  She  was vain & self centered & so narcissistic.  She is VERY sorry.  I said she was very mean.  Then thank you So MUCH, is she okay?  Char nodded yes & said she's okay, but she's about here, (& she held her had below her face) she's working her way up here (& she held her hand above her head.)  She's working it off.  My makeup was getting really messed up from my tears, I said THANK you & walked 3 rows up into the galley to blot my face.  She got up & came by touching my arm saying are you all right?  I said yes, thank you I am so grateful!  She said frowning & shaking her head, your mother was really terrible I'm so sorry you had such a childhood & went towards the lav.  I smiled & said she was difficult.

It was ALL SO COOL!  I felt SO validated.  I Knew I wasn't crazy, people used to act as if I was so wrong when I became jubilent when she died.  It was a good closure.  I am SO LUCKY she gave me that reading!