Friday, June 22, 2007

Out Of Control

I am gaining weight.  I am eating deserts, more to the point, ice cream & chocolate.  Even worse, tons of it; once I start I can't stop.  I have no fucking will power.  I did so well in loosing 52lbs with Weight Watchers, but I find maintaining that is harder even than trying to loose.  I have to get a grip & just stop.  Shut my trap & eat only healthy foods.  It gets so boring.

Here's the thing.  My 2 flying partners are retiring at the end of this month when the last one turns 60.  I can not afford to retire.  I feel so envious, jealous, once again like a failure.  I feel like all I do is fly my ass off, picking up extra trips for overtime trying to make ends meet.  It's really hard.  I try to be grateful that I have a job I like with people I love to work with (who are NOW leaving) & that I'm lucky!  But with Doris already retired 2years, not getting an extra job & she has so much credit card debt & not enough income from social security & retirement- I'm knocking myself out trying to hold it together. 

I am planning to hang in there for 2 more years until I'm 62 & can collect social security in order to suplement retirement & I know that 2 years will pass fast.  But seeing the end so near for my friends, it just seems unending & so unfair. 

On the positive side, there are still a LOT of great FA's to work with & I KNOW there will still be many happy times.  Laughing is the thing that gets us thru these days & trips.  I do see a light at the end of the tunnel. 

So I gotta get a grip here & stop eating crap.  Stop trying to stuff the feelings of anger & pain.  I've done it before, I know I can do it again.  I just have to DO IT.  Addiction is so shameful.  Esp if it's only food.

4 comments:

val41221 said...

Finally a post!!!  

Stop beating yourself up... you know you can do anything you put your mind to.  So, as you said, just do it!  You can.

As for retirement -- that, too, will happen.

Is Doris' credit card debt your concern to keep working for, or did you mean that YOU had credit card debt. Kind of confused me.

Btw - what airline do you work for?  just curious... cuz the next time I fly, I'd check to see if you were gonna be on my flight - - how cool would that be??!! Not that i fly that often, but I'm sure to in the next 2 years!

have a great weekend.

dghtronly said...

The weght gain I can relate to immediately. I struggle with cravings and temptations daily. Even with eating carefully and exercise I still face the prospect of gaining. I'm not, but I'm not losing as fast as I would like either. I know I need to bump up the intensity of my exercise.

Retirement is not imminent. Still, I am remain concerned that I've done/am doing enough to sustain me once I am facing that eventuality.    

Like Val said, the two years will fly by...in the meantime try not to fret.  Concentrate on maintaining your health so that when that time comes you can full enjoy and appreciate all the extra time with Doris.

You Can DO IT!  

Deborah



sassyfemmect said...

Two years will go by quickly.  Just think back to what you were doing two years ago, and how it doesn't really seem that far!  The food thing?  I have no doubt you can do anything you put your mind to!

kmb524 said...

Thanks for the support Ladies, I really appreciate it.  
Val, I do have a bit of debt, but Doris has a LOT.  It is scary.