Friday, November 28, 2008

Do NOT fill out any invitation from ME to join REUNION

OH My GOD. I was sent an invitation to join some kind of reunion list by a Flight Attendant that I really respect, so I didn't think twice about responding to it & trying to join. But it didnt work when I clicked on the tabs, so I just deleted it. NOW, everyone on MY email list is getting this same invitation to join so this is some kind of hoax or VIRUS maybe to get email names. I am mortified & don't know what to do about it.

The person I got the email from told me to write:
in my email address book contacts WITHOUT ANYTHING in the email address line & I have tried this, but I'm afraid it's too late.
I am SO sorry if this happens to you.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

November Miracles

Doris was sheding a few tears thinking about Roxie's eyes just looking at her like, "HELP ME..." that day. Oh God. Now I'm haunted by that. I had just about talked myself into thinking she was alright making the transistion to heaven. But I guess my gut reaction was right, she felt betrayed & didn't understand. Oh God. My heart feels heavy. I did a horrible thing. Man. And just when I was starting to feel so much better. Bummer. sigh.

However I have to admit that Nov did bring some miracles. More miracles than usual in one month.

1: A big, 4 story high tree fell into the neighbor's tree & they took us to court because we didn't think it was our tree & we had NO money to take it down. The judge was nice to us & gave us time to try to get money together. I had never been in court before, so I had been so scared & nervous. But I suddenly knew things would be okay when walking to the court house door I saw about 20 sparrows hopping around on the grass & immediately thought of the song "His Eye Is On The Sparrow So I Know He's Watching Me." That judge was So kind. A miracle.

2: After huge quotes from $1500 to $4000 to take the tree down, God sent us a man who only charged $500.
A miracle.

3: There were holes in our roof & after huge quotes from $9000 to 10,000 God sent us roofers who only charged around $3400. A huge miracle.

4: After having to go back to court for the tree & neighbors, the judge said we didn't have to come back after Doris told him the tree had been removed. She meant it was removed from the neghbor's yard, Im afraid when the housing officer comes to check on it & sees all these huge 'tree turds' laying around in our back yard we might get in trouble for not removing those from OUR yard. Never-the-less we got to leave the court after only one hour & told we didn't have to come back. another miracle!

4. The telephone technition just showed up out of the blue on a SUNDAY of all days when he wasn't supposed to be there until the fri after Thanksgiving! A HUGE miracle! Plus - this guys ended up knowing us from church & didn't charge us the $300 we would have had to pay. Wow. Another huge miracle.

5: And lastly, I had to go back to work (I have been on vacation - yeah great vacation, huh?) on a 3 day trip yesterday with 2 legs a day, in coach on a crappy super 80. It was a Houston/Phoenix layover - flying back home to Ewr on the busiest day of the year before Thanksgiving. Ugh. Well, we were so delayed on the 1st leg, the 1st day that when we got to Chicago we missed our connection that night for Houston... So they ended up deadheading us to LGA & limo-ing us over to our cars in Ewr & NOT reassigning us, thus we have the next 2 days off!!! WHAT??? Never in 40 years had I gotten such a break at work! ANOTHER true miracle!!! WOW, amazing!

And in looking back it's a miracle that God brought us thru loosing Roxie 15 days ago, as well as all this other confusion. And if God was so merciful to us, surely God was as merciful & loving to Roxie if not more. We are truly blessed. Outside of having to put Roxie to sleep, this was the best November ever! I've been so down, I think I'll try to make a gratitude list each month from now on.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

The Verizon Tech Fixed Our Landline!

OMG! Our phone landline was out of commission for 5 days, but it SEEMED like way over a week! I thought I would die without my computer, dANG! I am so happy to have the phone back, just using my cell was a drag. Ahh, the small things in life! Thank you God.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

staying strong... sorta

It has helped me immensely to go to a website of people grieving for their pets who have gone to heaven. I don't feel so alone in my sadness & sorrow.
And Many friends have sent me their love, courage, wisdom & strength. They have counseled me greatly, each in their own way.
Here are 4 'poems' friends sent to me that helped....

The Last Battle

If it should be that I grow frail and weak

And pain should keep me from my sleep,

Then will you do what must be done,

For this -- the last battle -- can't be won.

You will be sad I understand,

But don't let grief then stay your hand,

For on this day, more than the rest,

Your love and friendship must stand the test.

We have had so many happy years,

You wouldn't want me to suffer so.

When the time comes, please, let me go.

Take me to where to my needs they'll tend,

Only, stay with me till the end

And hold me firm and speak to me

Until my eyes no longer see.

I know in time you will agree

It is a kindness you do to me.

Although my tail its last has waved,

From pain and suffering I have been saved.

Don't grieve that it must be you

Who has to decide this thing to do;

We've been so close -- we two -- these years,

Don't let your heart hold any tears.
A Living Love

If you ever love an animal, there are three days in your life you will always remember....

The first is a day, blessed with happiness, when you bring home your young new friend.
You may have spent weeks deciding on a breed. You may have asked numerous opinions of many vets, or done long research in finding a breeder. Or, perhaps in a fleeting moment, you may have just chosen that silly looking mutt in a shelter--simply because something in its eyes reached your heart. But when you bring that chosen pet home, and watch it explore, and claim its special place in your hall or front room--and when you feel it brush against you for the first time--it instills a feeling of pure love you will carry with you through the many years to come.

The second day will occur eight or nine or ten years later.
It will be a day like any other.
Routine and unexceptional. But, for a surprising instant, you will look at your longtime friend and see age where you once saw youth. You will see slow deliberate steps where you once saw energy. And you will see sleep when you once saw activity. So you will begin to adjust your friend's diet--and you may add a pill or two to her food. And you may feel a growing fear deep within yourself, which bodes of a coming emptiness. And you will feel this uneasy feeling, on and off, until the third day finally arrives.

And on this day--if your friend and God have not decided for you, then you will be faced with making a decision of your own--on behalf of your lifelong friend, and with the guidance of your own deepest Spirit. But whichever way your friend eventually leaves you--you will feel as alone as a single star in the dark night.

If you are wise, you will let the tears flow as freely and as often as they must. And if you are typical, you will find that not many in your circle of family or friends will be able to understand your grief, or comfort you.

But if you are true to the love of the pet you cherished through the many joy-filled years, you may find that a soul--a bit smaller in size than your own--seems to walk with you, at times, during the lonely days to come.

And at moments when you least expect anything out of the ordinary to happen, you may feel something brush against your leg--very very lightly.

And looking down at the place where your dear, perhaps dearest, friend used to lay--you will remember those three significant days. The memory will most likely to be painful, and leave an ache in your heart--As time passes the ache will come and go as if it has a life of its own.
You will both reject it and embrace it, and it may confuse you. If you reject it, it will depress you. If you embrace it, it will deepen you. Either way, it will still be an ache.

But there will be, I assure you, a fourth day when--along with the memory of your pet--and piercing through the heaviness in your heart--there will come a realization that belongs only to you. It will be as unique and strong as our relationship with each animal we have loved, and lost. This realization takes the form of a Living Love--like the heavenly scent of a rose that remains after the petals have wilted, this Love will remain and grow--and be there for us to remember. It is a love we have earned. It is the legacy our pets leave us when they go. And it is a gift we may keep with us as long as we live. It is a Love which is ours alone. And until we ourselves leave, perhaps to join our Beloved Pets--it is a Love we will always possess.

A Dog’s Plea

Treat me kindly, my beloved friend, for no heart in the World
Is more grateful for kindness that my loving heart.
Do not break my spirit with a stick, for though I would lick your hand between blows,
your patience and Understanding will more quickly teach me the things you Want me to learn.

Speak to me often, for your voice is the world’s sweetest Music, as you know by the fierce wagging of my tail when Your footstep falls upon my waiting ear.
I ask no greater joy than the privilege Of sitting at your feet beside the hearth.

Feed me good food, that I may stay well, to play and hunt
and do your bidding, to walk by Your side,
and stand ready, willing and able to protect you with my life, should your life be in danger.

And, my friend, when I no longer enjoy good health,
Do not make heroic efforts to keep me going.
I am not having any fun.
I shall leave this earth knowing With the last breath I draw,
That my fate was always safest in your hands.

In Memory of Roxie
A Good Friend—A Good Ol’ Dog

The Creation
When God had made the earth and sky
the flowers and the trees,
He then made all the animals
the fish, the birds and bees.

And when at last He'd finished
not one was quite the same.
He said, "I'll walk this world of mine
and give each one a name."

And so He traveled far and wide
and everywhere He went,
a little creature followed Him
until it's strength was spent.

When all were named upon the earth
and in the sky and sea,
the little creature said, "Dear Lord,
there's not one left for me."

Kindly the Father said to him,
"I've left you to the end.
I've turned my own name back to front
and called you dog, My friend."

Author Unknown

One Week Has Gone By

It's Monday. Last Monday we took Roxie to the Animal Hospital & tearfully bid her goodbye. A whole week has gone by & time is finally starting to help. That & seeing Roxie here & there. God, I miss her. But a few friends have helped me get thru the self-torture of guilt & remorse altho'... there are still moments. I am only crying once or twice a day now & that's a vast improvement. But I think I should continue to let myself cry more. Once I started trying to squelch my grief & tears, I started breaking out in itchy bumps again (eczema.)
I swear to God... If it ain't one thing, it's another.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

I Finally Saw Roxie!

So it finally happened today! Roxie came by to spend some time with me. It was wonderful & a total surprise how it happened.

First I drove to the Flee Market & Charlie showed up sitting next to me, holding Roxie in his lap. He said, "I told you she was okay, see?" It was so great. He laid her down in the front seat & climbed in the back. This of course was in my mind - that's how it comes.. Just thoughts out of the blue.

Okay next, I went to the gym & was walking on the treadmill watching the HGTV channel with headphones. Suddenly Roxie was walking on the treadmill next to me - like when we would walk down the street, just so nonchalantly. It made me smile.

Next I was doing the breast stroke in the small pool with a noodle under my arms & suddenly, there was Roxie swimming next to me - sailing thru the water, smoothly with no effort like a dang bird-dog! That was so wierd, because she never swam before, never walked on a treadmill either for that matter.

Lastly she showed up in the steam room, just laying up on the shelf next to me. I was like 'Roxie, Roxie, Roxie!!!' She gave me the message that she would be with me whenever I need her, don't worry. She was calm, quiet, loving & peaceful. It was SO GREAT! I feel better now.

Yeah, I know I'm crazy. But I do have this gift now & then! Everybody has it, actually. You just have to quiet yourself & let it come.

Still Guilty

I am trying to get better, (ie happier... ha!) I'm just sad. And SO damn guilty. I THINK I BROKE MY DOG'S HEART. She trusted me, & here I was holding her on my lap while Doris drove us to the Animal Hospital to end her life. She started shaking like a leaf - she had NEVER done that before. She must have been so scared & confused. I KNOW she didn't want to die. I doubt she was ready. It shouldn't have been "her time." I just couldn't make her better & I saw her getting worse. She didn't want to eat much, she had started to 'stagger' when she walked & moved slow, & she started to loose her balance when she stooped to poop. But she didn't whine, or cry, or act like she was in pain yet. I have no money, I couldn't afford to have tests done, biopsies taken from all her lumps or the softball-sized lump coming out of her side, or surgery. She tried to be so good when we walked into the Vet, & when I put her on my lap on the couch. She leaned against my chest & couldn't look at me again. I don't know if she was looking at Doris, she was facing her sitting next to me. Doris & I were both hysterical, so I guess maybe Roxie tried her best to be a good dog so we wouldn't be upset. Oh my God, I think we broke her heart by forcing her to die that sunny afternoon. It should have been a beautiful day.

And why didn't I feel her spirit when it left her body? I thought I would. Why can't we communicate together now? Charlie has come & told me Roxie is just fine, she's great, stop worrying. (Charlie is an old ex-boyfriend that passed on & drops in now & then, & also leaves me pennies here & there, & often chatters up a storm in the car on the way to the airport...but sometimes he just sits in the back seat with his berret on, leather jacket & jeans. enjoying the ride.) ( My Parents often drive with me to & from the airport Daddy on my left, Mother on my right & also sometimes Giboney rides (a friend from a rap group that passed) along. Sometimes they are all there & it gets really crowded. ) Also when my cousin Eleanore passed she came to visit so I would call her daughter & tell her some things. You can imagine how her daughter took that - she thinks I'm a bonafide nut! Eleanore leaves me shiney dimes now & then.

Anyway... because I have a touch of the 'Gift' I thought for sure Roxie would be able to talk to me. So far I have only smelled her here & there, which is suspect because Im still wearing the clothes & jacket/scarf I had on that day & her smell is still in the house. But Anyway---

I just feel SO guilty, she was so innocent & trusted me & I had her killed. I don't know if I can forgive myself for this one.

I Just Feel So Guilty

I have felt a bit better the past 3 days, but then it comes back & hits like a bee sting to the heart. Well, that's some of the time.
The other time it's like a gushing STAB wound to the heart. The heart... what a fragile organ. (Which reminds me, I didn't take my Lipator today.)

Sometimes it's like a bolt of lightening to the soul or maybe a hatchet to the brain.

I'll be feeling better (usually EATING, stuffing my gut or escaping my sorrows with some other ungodly addiction
(shopping)) & maybe even begin to attempt a chuckle here, a chortle there, and then

The old grinding, empty gut ache returns along with remembering bereavement & loss.

Like walking along thru life just fine & then that sharp, knawing pain of arthritis suddenly grips a limb when the weather turns damp... & oh yeah "I have arthritis now..." you remember new pain.

The torment & suffering returns.

Ah yeah, the pain of reality, or more to the point the agony of death.

God, what a DRAG.

But today was better.
Until now...
Until the dark.

Isn't that always the way?

Friday, November 14, 2008

Had a Few Laughs Today

I had a full day & kept busy, trying not to obsess over my little Roxie so much. Went to the airport to pickup a check from my credit union savings, emptied it out.

Then to medical to get a flu shot. (YEA! I finally did it, always need a flu shot - I'm around so many cootiefied people, plus I'm a weakling in the stamina & resistance department.)

Deposited the check in my bank, then payed the mortgage. (Phew, that's done this month.)

Then we went to see the new dumbass James Bond movie, have no idea WHAT the hell it was even about. But it did occupy my mind with that huge screen of car crashes, plane crashes & other mundane violence. The butter popcorn was great tho' & man, did I stuff down my feelings.

Then returned a baby stroller for twins (somebody bought & supreme "cadillac" version for $300, so my little $100 Jeep brand which I was so excited about in the beginning had to go back.) Baby showers are such a bore.

Bought instead a bunch of newborn baby clothes, & then of course what else?- TWO large evening bag clutches for all the inagural balls & other fancy occasions I'll never go to! Maybe I'll use one at the next high school reunion dinner in 2010! (Gee hope I'm still alive.) smile.

But if I kick the bucket before then, at least I know my little Roxie Moto will be there to great me when I come thru the light!

I thought I was getting better, but maybe not!

Yesterday I surrounded Roxie's grave with gray bricks, bought so many stones, & pretty baubles & spread them all over the middle, put 2 black & white small statues by the side of her head (to symbolize us, & 2 black & white cat statues (to symbolize Boo Boo & Panther), a sign that said "Angel" at the head, & her name in white letters at the bottom of her feet. Then I put a big, heavy cross (about 1 1/2 ft) at the top & laid a wooden cross across the middle.

Today I got up early & went out collecting Huge rocks from the creek to put around the bricks because the bricks don't look that great. I may take them out. Doris is going to shit when she sees the grave. She is already getting over this & told me to stop crying last night because my eyes are constantly all red & puffy. And she is starting to get rather annoyed today when I bring Roxie up & get upset.

I think I am getting better, sort of. I didn't cry ALL day today, just some times. It's sort of like waves. I miss her. She was so sweet. I was the world's worst mother. I'll always have guilt over it. It's a good thing I never had babies, don't know HOW the flying moms do it being gone so much. Doris has to take care of the animals when I'm on a trip & always resented it. Still, she was always good to them & they all adore her so much. That's why I was shocked when she cried so much at the time we had to let Roxie go, & seemed to be taking it worse than I was. So I don't understand how she can be over it so soon because I really feel so stuck in mourning.

It's so hard to believe Roxie was here & alive 4 days ago, & then later that day she was gone. It's weird but I still feel a need to go out at night to 'walk the dog,' which I did do tonight even in the pouring rain. All the little spots she liked to stop, all the big piles of leaves she'd trot thru & sniff around to see what other dogs had left their mark that day... And believe it or not, I think I can still smell her all the time. I may just be crazy, but possibly she may be coming around to check on us. I hope so.

Please forgive me Roxie, for not taking better care of you, for not loving you as well as I should have. For not giving you more time & attention. You were such a precious, shining ray of love & abounding energy. And such a good, good baby thru to the end. I'm sorry I broke down on you at the animal hospital, I had wanted to be strong but it was impossible. It must have been so confusing for you. God I hope your passing wasn't horrendous, I am so sorry I put you thru that. I just didn't know what to do, Roxie... I just didn't know & so I went on auto-pilot. You tried so hard to please us, even to the bitter end as you just laid in my arms & finally waited for your fate. I hope you know I did it out of love. I don't think I can ever get over it. I'm so sorry, my little brave princess, my sweet baby angel.

I feel so grateful that Roxie was our dog. I remember the 1st time I saw her at the pet store, such a tiny little silver peanut. I ran home immediately to tell Doris because she had mentioned at times that she'd wanted a Schnauzer. We went the next day & they got her down & put her in the private viewing room with us, she ran up to me & tried to jump up into my lap with her short little puppy legs, I gathered her up into my arms & tears just begain pouring from my eyes. She was a present for Doris, but I loved her the most.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Guilt & Remorse

Dogs are so wonderful.
I just don't think I'm going to get another one.
Can't take it.

I'll always have a couple of cats, however.
They're just easier.
Boo Boo misses Roxie, but Panther could care less & is probably glad to have "the DOG" out of the house. They all shared a room together altho Roxie slept in her 'crate' at night... which they used to go into when she was out, drink her water &/or just lay there. (Guess grass is always greener on the other side, even to the critters.)

I've been crying all day on & off. I feel like a murderer, I had never had an animal put to sleep before & I really dont think she wanted to die. I feel like I betrayed her, like I was her Judas. She tried to rally in the end, leading us as we were walking into the building, -even tho' she was shaking in my lap on our way in the car. God, it was terrible.

I think she was sad she didn't feel well, & had stopped wanting to eat (this was monumental as she ate everything in site - one reason she stayed in her big cage at night,) had a tumor the size of a softball growing out of her side as well as smaller lumps all over her body, & finally - her back legs were getting so weak they would cave in when she'd stoop to poop, & she would walk slow & wobbly. She was starting to show these signs of illness, but I don't think she was in much pain yet - which is another reason I feel SO guilty... I took her out before all the pain hit & maybe she wasn't ready yet. I really don't think she was ready.

She looked at me with these dark brown, forlorn eyes in the end like she was thinking "Why?" God, it was so terrible, I was hysterically crying telling her I loved her so much, that she was the best doggie in the whole world & I was so sorry, that heaven would be wonderful & she'd see Jesus & my mother would be there to meet her (come to think of it, maybe I shouldn't have said that, but my mother always loved her dogs, so I was calling on her to help..) as I held her in my lap so close, stroking her head while the kind Dr shot 2 seditives into her vein & then the final shot that did her in. 3 needles. Doris was right next to me sobbing, telling Roxie she loved her, & petting her warm limp body,... she was thinking Rah Rah was looking at her, but she wasn't - she was already gone.
I couldn't tell either - I thought I would feel her spirit leave, or her body just drop or change, or draw her last breath, but she just still felt so warm & heavy leaning against me, just docile trying to please us even in the end. I know she was scared. Oh my GOD.

It seemed all so peaceful even though I felt wracked with such a storm of guilt & remorse. How could I do such a thing to the sweetest little girldog ever? I was such a terrible mother, if only I'd had more money, enough to take better care of her, to afford more Dr's & operations to prolong her life. I don't even know what was wrong with her, because that last time I took her in for shots, I told the Dr I couldn't afford the blood tests or exploratory surgery, & didn't want to mess with her since she was still bouncing around with the energy of a puppy & wasn't acting sick or in pain. Now looking back that was only the beginning of last summer...

We wrapped her up in the towel they put in my lap & a clean, white sheet we'd brought & carried her out to the car, both of us sobbing on the way home. Doris started digging a little grave in the back yard under the trees, by the creek where Roxie use to run & play. I joined in trying to help her, the ground was so hard & cold. We gently laid her to rest & then covered her with the earth & falling leaves. I circled the grave with big rocks & stones, set a big angel up at the right side of where the top of her head would be & layed branches in the shape of a cross in the middle. I was so sad. It was the worst day of my life ever.

Monday, November 10, 2008

The Saddest Day of My Life

Today my partner & I had to put down our precious Roxie. She was such a gorgeously handsome, black & silver (salt & pepper) Schnauzer & we had her for about 12 years. Maybe 13. She was divinely classy as she trotted along with her head held high when we took her for her nightly walks, & she was very gentle & friendly towards children along the street. She was fiercely protective whenever someone came near our home & would bark ferociously at the top of her lungs as if she could tear them to pieces. She adored us & was such a good little Roxie Moto, loving us unconditionally as doggies always seem to do. She was the perfect dyke dog because she was beautiful, but TOUGH with an attitude! God, I loved her! Doris loved her too, & Roxie loved us back with all her sweet little heart & soul. What a precious baby, our angel dog. Rest in Peace Roxie Moto, we'll never be the same without you.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008


OMG!!!! OMG!!!!

I am SO Excited

I can NOT believe it.

I wanted to celebrate with Doris, but she was busy on the phone with her Grandaughter. I was downstairs & Tiffany called her, i heard her talking & said "Did he win? did he win?" She just ignored me. I ran up the steps & said did he WIN??? She said yes, but kept talking to Tiffy. I felt hurt. I had fantasized about us jumping up & down, screaming & hugging - But- it wasn't to be.
I felt hurt. And alone.

But I got over it.
We laid in bed listening to his acceptance speech, tears running down our cheeks. Afterwards we hugged & kissed. It was all good.

BARACK OBAMA, our 1st black president! (I was pissed Texass voted McCain - why was I surprised?? God, I'm glad I got out!) I'm happy I have lived to see this day!