Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Guilt & Remorse

Dogs are so wonderful.
I just don't think I'm going to get another one.
Can't take it.

I'll always have a couple of cats, however.
They're just easier.
Boo Boo misses Roxie, but Panther could care less & is probably glad to have "the DOG" out of the house. They all shared a room together altho Roxie slept in her 'crate' at night... which they used to go into when she was out, drink her water &/or just lay there. (Guess grass is always greener on the other side, even to the critters.)

I've been crying all day on & off. I feel like a murderer, I had never had an animal put to sleep before & I really dont think she wanted to die. I feel like I betrayed her, like I was her Judas. She tried to rally in the end, leading us as we were walking into the building, -even tho' she was shaking in my lap on our way in the car. God, it was terrible.

I think she was sad she didn't feel well, & had stopped wanting to eat (this was monumental as she ate everything in site - one reason she stayed in her big cage at night,) had a tumor the size of a softball growing out of her side as well as smaller lumps all over her body, & finally - her back legs were getting so weak they would cave in when she'd stoop to poop, & she would walk slow & wobbly. She was starting to show these signs of illness, but I don't think she was in much pain yet - which is another reason I feel SO guilty... I took her out before all the pain hit & maybe she wasn't ready yet. I really don't think she was ready.

She looked at me with these dark brown, forlorn eyes in the end like she was thinking "Why?" God, it was so terrible, I was hysterically crying telling her I loved her so much, that she was the best doggie in the whole world & I was so sorry, that heaven would be wonderful & she'd see Jesus & my mother would be there to meet her (come to think of it, maybe I shouldn't have said that, but my mother always loved her dogs, so I was calling on her to help..) as I held her in my lap so close, stroking her head while the kind Dr shot 2 seditives into her vein & then the final shot that did her in. 3 needles. Doris was right next to me sobbing, telling Roxie she loved her, & petting her warm limp body,... she was thinking Rah Rah was looking at her, but she wasn't - she was already gone.
I couldn't tell either - I thought I would feel her spirit leave, or her body just drop or change, or draw her last breath, but she just still felt so warm & heavy leaning against me, just docile trying to please us even in the end. I know she was scared. Oh my GOD.

It seemed all so peaceful even though I felt wracked with such a storm of guilt & remorse. How could I do such a thing to the sweetest little girldog ever? I was such a terrible mother, if only I'd had more money, enough to take better care of her, to afford more Dr's & operations to prolong her life. I don't even know what was wrong with her, because that last time I took her in for shots, I told the Dr I couldn't afford the blood tests or exploratory surgery, & didn't want to mess with her since she was still bouncing around with the energy of a puppy & wasn't acting sick or in pain. Now looking back that was only the beginning of last summer...

We wrapped her up in the towel they put in my lap & a clean, white sheet we'd brought & carried her out to the car, both of us sobbing on the way home. Doris started digging a little grave in the back yard under the trees, by the creek where Roxie use to run & play. I joined in trying to help her, the ground was so hard & cold. We gently laid her to rest & then covered her with the earth & falling leaves. I circled the grave with big rocks & stones, set a big angel up at the right side of where the top of her head would be & layed branches in the shape of a cross in the middle. I was so sad. It was the worst day of my life ever.

1 comment:

Val said...

Wonderful ceremony. And she's still close to you.