Monday, June 06, 2005

Adopting My Brother Alan

My baby brother turns 56 this weekend.  He's over 6 ft tall now, more like 6'4" actually.  Seems just like yesterday when Mother, Daddy & I picked him up at the adoption agency.  I loved babies!  I was excited to meet our new baby, couldnt wait to hold him. Soon I would have a real live doll!  They set me on a sofa all by myself, my parents sat on a sofa right across from me.  Daddy got me a small package of Oreos from a machine there...  Suddenly a lady walked out of a side door holding the hand of a chubby, little toddler that was Walking out.  Well, he waddled, he was almost 1 already & Big.  Wait a minute...  WHERE was my baby???  Oh NO!  They were putting him on the couch next to ME.  Everybody was starring at us to see how we got along.  I HAD to hide my beyond enormous dissappointment & pretend I was happy.  He was almost as big as I was, I couldnt even hold him on my lap. Someone said 'Kathy why dont you give Alan one of your cookies?'  WHAT??  Oh no...  they were all watching..  I had to give him a cookie..  I dutifully took a cookie out of the little package & gingerly put it on his knee.  He looked at it, picked it up & immediately threw it across the room.  Direct rejection, Instant rivalry.  Everyone laughed like it was so cute, I was mad.  That was a perfectly good chocolate cookie & now there were only 2 left.  I was Stuck with this Baby Huey that didnt even want MY cookie.  It was time to go, & Daddy swooped him up & away to the elevator we walked.  "I want to carry him, I want to carry him, he's MY birthday present."  hehe, hoho more laughter.  Out to the car we walked, I was holding on to Alan's foot, a little white lace-up walking shoe, Not a bootie.  Let ME carry him.  He was put in the front seat between Mother & Daddy.  I had to sit in the BACK.  Wait a minute here.  That was MY spot.  Now I am relagated to the back seat.  God I was jealous.  After living almost 3 yrs as a sweet, beautiful, precious child, I was amazed to find out what a crazed, possessed, hateful & bad little girl I would turn into.  It was shocking to have these murderous feelings at so young an age.  I never wanted ababy brother for a birthday present in the first place,who's damn idea was that?!  Gee, I wonder... the parents who so desparately needed the perfect nuclear family to pull off that they were okay,... & I/we were/are supposed to feel grateful.  Well, after feeling the rage that I wasnt enough - I guess that's when the guilt started.. from wanting to kill the little bastard for intruding on my life.. after all, I had only had them myself for about 2yrs after becoming their 1st adopted "choice"...  And I did want to like him in the beginning, I wanted to love him, but he immediately hated me too..  He was NOT happy, he did not want to be with ANY of us... he wanted his mother... who kept him probably in the hospital for 9 whole months until she finally made the decision to give him up...  It must have been hard for her, since it took so long, but she had such grande hopes that he could/would have a better life...  Poor Alan...(or Jon as she'd named him) how could she know that her precious little bundle would be put in the arms of a desperate, needy woman & a cold, unemotional man...complete with an insecure, spoiled sister...  POOR, sweet baby.  Oh God, what a challenge for all of us.  What strange, cloudy kharma did we each bring to the table, what were the lessons for us all to learn...or not learn?  How could it have been fair... for any of us?  And in spite of the journey, Alan & I did survive.  I do thank God for my brother...  my poor little brother, I was just SO mean.  I learned it from my mother.  My sad, bottomless pit mommy, she meant well, Im sure.  But she was more suited to be a general in Hitler's army than a wife or a mother.  Power & Control, my God Im like her now.  And Daddy did at least love me... as much as he could love anyone.  They did give us so much material presents...  They did truly sacrifice & try.  That is why I forgive them.  They were abusive which I hashed through enough in the past.  But we decided the abuse stopped with them.  Neither Alan nor I had children...  We did NOT WANT to continue the cycle.  The disfunction we grew up with we need to own, & probably need to conquer, but NEVER at the mercy & innocence of another child.  We can choose to recover & climb the steps of rediscovery, ascend to the next level of growth & improvement, but not thru the sacrifice of children. Thank you God for our lives.  And for Alan my sweet little brother, we survived our childhood together.  May his 56th year be his best yet.  Amen.

1 comment:

sunflowersnstone said...

well spoken.