Thursday, February 12, 2009

The Never-Ending Battle

OMG. I've gained back 12 lbs in about a month. Shit. I know it's basically 'fear.' I know it's because of the plane ditching in the Hudson. Outwardly it doesn't look like it's affecting me because on the job I'm just regular - happy, perky, fast-working, funny & smiling. But this is how I really feel:
F U C K I T ! If I'm gona die, then let me eat what the hell I want.
And I have been. If I'm evacuating a plane, who the crap cares if I'm at my goal weight??? I'll just be glad I'm still alive.

Damn it to hell. At WW I can only loose 1 lb a week (if I'm vigilant) because at this age, I just can't get it off any faster. So if I buckle down & start now, that's 12 weeks, it will be at least May before I get this flubber back off my frame. And I will still weight 160lbs. (goal weight- the maximum I can weigh without paying the $14/week) Not the 172 lbs I topped off at yesterday's meeting. By May I thought I would have gotten down to 150 lbs.

I'm so disappointed in myself. I was doing so well, but now I'm not even making it to the gym. So clearly, I know what I have to do, it's just that I don't want to (quite frankly.) Do any of us EVER want to cut back on eating delicious food in mammoth portions??? Or move off the couch away from the TV? But oh well. That's what I gotta do. And the sooner the better before summer gets here & I look like I'm carrying a huge barrel in my mid-section underneath my swimsuit & tee-shirts. damn damn damn. It's SO annoying.

I just had 3 days off & spent each day in bed sleeping. Sometimes I'm just so tired from this job. (a little depressed maybe??) It did feel luxurious to get so much rest.

So today I'm flying out again & will definitely TRY to get back on the right path. Lord knows it's time to snap out of it.

5 comments: said...

Girl do I feel your pain or what...?

I don't understand why I can't get a grip on this one damn thing either.

It's a tough road - don't beat yourself up too much -- you sure aren't alone.

the only daughter said...

Your 172 is still nearly 50 lbs more than my count.. I'm with you. I'm losing, but not much, because, like you, I'm not moving nearly enough.

I am determined though, and while you've had a setback, you are still my inspiration.

Solidarity sister!

Val said...

kmae... no one (except Tina!) can rant better than you! :) It's a talent!

You make me laugh, but I, too, can feel your pain.

Try living with someone who is LITERALLY almost half your weight! Even when I get to MY goal weight, I'd still be able to kill her if I accidentally sit on her!

But we all just do the best we can. I'm trying to find anything I can to motivate me and fortunately there are 2 big motivators: I want to be a slim bride later this year AND Linda is a great 'wind beneath my wings' motivator!

Good luck - you can do it!

Anonymous said...

KMae, for some of us weight is always a struggle, and will always be, whether or not we're at goal weight. I swear it's psychological, one extreme or the other. For me, I have to let myself have whatever it is I'm craving when I'm craving it, just not have much of it. For example, despite wanting to have two ginormous slabs of the friendship bread we just baked I had half of a small slice. I have to consciously stop to assess whether I'm hungry or if I just want the taste of something. If I'm STARVING then I try to have a bowl of salad or an orange, despite that I want nothing more than to eat the entire box of cookies or bag of pretzels. I try to psych myself out saying that thin will feel better longer than that cookie will taste. No matter what, it's a struggle each and every single freakin' day.

eb said...

Ack. Weight issues suck balls!! Not much more I can add. website...