Thursday, February 19, 2009

The Big Sleep, Panther's Last Hours

The main thing I learned is that it seems much better to take a pet to the vet to have them 'put down' or euthanized even tho' it was pure searing pain personally. It definitely seems kinder than to let 'nature take it's course' as I think poor Panther suffered. I felt so helpless. So sad, - death. Big suckage.

I haven't been able to quiet down enough to feel him or his presence. I had picked him up & held him for about 5 min on the couch kissed him & told him I loved him, then took him back into his room & gently laid him on his right side on this big floor pillow they sleep on. I noticed that blood had gotten on my sweatshirt from his little asshole. I went to the basement to try to wash it out & would check on him during the night to see if he moved back under this stool he had started laying under for 2 days. (That's how I knew he was starting to go down- didn't eat, didn't move from under the stool & couldn't walk without staggering for 2 days.)

I went in a few hours later & stared down at him still in the same place, his eyes were wide open like he was just staring, not blinking... I froze. I thought he was dead. I just stared, trying to see a sign of life. Then all of a sudden he mewed faintly trying to call to me & started to move, kneading his forelegs back & forth & his stomach started moving up & down quickly as he labored to breathe, he threw his head back twice, his tongue pushing all the way out both times. I wondered if it was like a seizure. I lightly petted his head & on down his back, told him I loved him & to go to the light, don't be afraid. I prayed to God to please help Panther since he was seeming to struggle & I called on Charlie (he'd been wonderful with his cats in recovery) & Roxie to come get him. I then went into the living room to watch TV with Boo Boo (I couldn't deal with it well & got scared). An hour later I went back in their room to check on him & I thought he was gone and went back upstairs to bed & finally slept.

In the morning when I went back in there, he looked the same as the night before, so he had definitely slipped away then as I thought. I felt disappointed with myself that I hadn't stayed with him in that final hour (it was around 0300-0400am.) I reasoned at the time that Panther would want privacy to make his transition. Big cop-out I know. Next time I'll take Boo Boo to the vet & I shall just wait longer than I did with Roxie so that it will be more obvious that the time is right. At least she will be in my arms when she passes. sigh. I am so broke, I really shouldn't have animals I can't afford to take care of them right. I just love them so much more than people. Perils of a Flight Attendant I guess.

Feeling guilty is always inevitable. Life is hard.
Thank you so much to those who wrote in with such kind words. xxoo


eb said...

Wow, Kmae, this is probably the best post you've ever written. Very touching.

Anonymous said...

I do not feel doing that was a big cop out. People who do cop out rarely admit to it, instead they build Fantasy Story.
This is the real story. This was beautiful and terrible and painful and peaceful and real.~Mary

Val said...

Kmae.. stop beating yourself up over what you think of as some kind of failure/cop-out. No such thing.
It's hard to lose pets. It's hard to say goodbye to a faithful friend. It's just plain tough.
Just remember how wonderful a cat he was and what a good long life he had.
And grieve. Versus feel guilty. Just be sad. Isn't that enough? said...


Our dog Mickey is 12ish now... I currently have a pebble in the pit of my stomach that grows just a wee bit every month.

I see his age in his face.

I'm dreading that day.

I haven't lost a pet in a long time... thankfully.

If you provided a happy life -- don't linger on the death.


the only daughter said...

I haven't lost a pet, but I know a few who have and the one constant I've noticed is matter the situation, guilt.

It may be natural, unavoidable even, but try to celebrate the life you gave Panther. Lift up the joys you gave him and those he returned.

May peace be with you.