So okay, here's the thing. It seem the virus has gone up into my ears, hence, the dizzyness & keeling over thing. Went back to the Dr & she said come back in a week. It's not terrible, but I obviously can't fly with the chance of being dizzy or falling. Meanwhile, it's really good to REST! I'm not worried because I am feeling better. And I am going to start weaning down on the dizzy meds.
Here is something to amuse you all, much to my chagrin. I am on this elist that is all my old Texas high school gang from the 60's. We email back & forth & chat about stuff that comes up in our lives & I enjoy that! My best friend Tina wrote me a long email & I was SO excited to hear from her that I didnt even notice that it was on the "gradslist," That's how out of it I've been. Well I wrote her a long letter from my ping pong stream of consciousness that contained stuff I should have kept private-just between the 2 of us (thought I was doing that,) but it actually went out over the Whole Fucking high school class (1965) list. I was mortified, but well, there it was, there was nothing I could do. What a dunce. I am an idiot! Here is only HALF of that email. Good grief!...
"I was SO GLAD to hear from you, thanks for
writing. I miss you & think of you often. Especially when I hear
all the songs from yesteryear. They remind me of eVERyTHING about our
childhood. Sometimes I want to cry, it all seems so long ago. I dont
feel like I've accomplished much in my life & 60 is really coming
up fast. I can't believe you are already there!
can't believe that 60yrs ago your mother & daddy were young &
had their first babygirl! I wonder if my birth
mother is even still alive. It's wierd once your parents die, I feel
like I was such a bad daughter. When she was alive, I spent so much
time hating her & resenting her for being so fucked up. Now I wish I had been nicer to her.
afterall adopt me & try her best... Even though she was so bad it
made me NEVER want to have kids, I never wanted to be hated as much as
I hated her. I regret that. Not that I didnt have kids,
because like you, I'm SO grateful that I didnt fuck up an innocent
being, the buck stopped with me.
I just regret that I couldnt have
turned out better. Not that I turned out like shit, because of course
I'm divine! BUT I just seem to constantly think about
her/them & all they did try to do for me to make my life
wonderful. and certainly I have never lived as well as I did when I
was with them, I have never been able to make as much money to live as
I dont think Alan wastes time thinking &
worrying about all this. He is very positive & sweet, even though
he barely lives above poverty level with his wife of 12yrs that has
come down with MS. I havent seen them for about 5 years because last
time I felt I would never go back since they BOTH STILL SMOKE, &
therefore they stink, their house stinks, their car stinks.
Pisses me off. He no longer blows glass since his wife cant help him.
So he is now a carpenter. I worry about him. He doesnt waste time
with regrets, however he has also always lived in denial. Easier that
way I guess.
wife Annie still doesnt thrill me. But oh well, I dont thrill her
either. I've tried to be friendly & get close, but she is just not interested. She doesnt like me. They are very simple people, no TV & they read to each
other every night. She makes beautiful glass beads & sells them on
eBay. People call him to fix stuff in their house. Also he has made
some beautiful furniture.
I should go see him, I shouldnt be so
snarky about thier dumbass smoking. What if he suddenly dies, I would feel so
sorry I hadnt visited. I shall make it a point once the weather gets
better. Cousin Eleanore just died last month & I felt so sad I had
never even driven to pittsburgh to visit her. But she & her
husband are born again & bigtime into the bible & believe
homosexuality is a sin. So I certainly didnt feel like traveling all
that way to deal with that shit. Now I'm sorry. And I thought about
Alan & not seeing him for so long.
Anyway, if it sounds like Im depressed, I suppose I am. Hopefully when
the summer & sun comes, I'll get over the sun deprevation of these
eastern winters. It's no joke!
Hope you are well.
Love ya loads,
Oh. My. GOD.
Can You believe I wrote about hating my mother, disliking my brother's wife & hating their (& anyone's) smoking, blowing off poor Cousin Eleanore before she died, feeling depressed & sent it over the internet? I also wrote about overeating, trying to maintain control over gorging food down my gullet, a classmate that had passed away, (actually that's how this whole letter started...) Can't remember the whole thing, but what a disaster.
So I sat back & waited for comments & replies, & would you believe besides one good friend who wrote to me personally that I sure could write about my feelings, NOBODY else responded. They must have all been so embarrrassed for me that I wrote all that, or maybe just shocked. ha! Oh my gosh. I gotta pay more attention to the return email address when I write & click send. I was mortified... It's pretty funny, tho.