Thursday, April 05, 2007

Another Week Off

So okay, here's the thing.  It seem the virus has gone up into my ears, hence, the dizzyness & keeling over thing.  Went back to the Dr & she said come back in a week.  It's not terrible, but I obviously can't fly with the chance of being dizzy or falling.  Meanwhile, it's really good to REST!  I'm not worried because I am feeling better.  And I am going to start weaning down on the dizzy meds. 
Here is something to amuse you all, much to my chagrin.  I am on this elist that is all my old Texas high school gang from the 60's.  We email back & forth & chat about stuff that comes up in our lives & I enjoy that!  My best friend Tina wrote me a long email & I was SO excited to hear from her that I didnt even notice that it was on the "gradslist," That's how out of it I've been.  Well I wrote her a long letter from my ping pong stream of consciousness that contained stuff I should have kept private-just between the 2 of us (thought I was doing that,) but it actually went out over the Whole Fucking high school class (1965) list.  I was mortified, but well, there it was, there was nothing I could do.  What a dunce.  I am an idiot!  Here is only HALF of that email.  Good grief!...

"I was SO GLAD to hear from you, thanks for writing.  I miss you & think of you often.  Especially when I hear all the songs from yesteryear.  They remind me of eVERyTHING about our childhood.  Sometimes I want to cry, it all seems so long ago. I dont feel like I've accomplished much in my life & 60 is really coming up fast.  I can't believe you are already there!  

I can't believe that 60yrs ago your mother & daddy were young & had their first babygirl!  I wonder if my birth mother is even still alive.  It's wierd once your parents die, I feel like I was such a bad daughter.  When she was alive, I spent so much time hating her & resenting her for being so fucked up.  Now I wish I had been nicer to her. 

She did afterall adopt me & try her best...  Even though she was so bad it made me NEVER want to have kids, I never wanted to be hated as much as I hated her. 
I regret that.  Not that I didnt have kids, because like you, I'm SO grateful that I didnt fuck up an innocent being, the buck stopped with me. 

I just regret that I couldnt have turned out better.  Not that I turned out like shit, because of course I'm divine!  
BUT I just seem to constantly think about her/them & all they did try to do for me to make my life wonderful.  and certainly I have never lived as well as I did when I was with them, I have never been able to make as much money to live as well.

I dont think Alan wastes time thinking & worrying about all this.  He is very positive & sweet, even though he barely lives above poverty level with his wife of 12yrs that has come down with MS.  I havent seen them for about 5 years because last time I felt I would never go back since they BOTH STILL SMOKE, & therefore they stink, their house stinks, their car stinks.  Pisses me off.  He no longer blows glass since his wife cant help him.  So he is now a carpenter.  I worry about him.  He doesnt waste time with regrets, however he has also always lived in denial.  Easier that way I guess.

His wife Annie still doesnt thrill me.  But oh well, I dont thrill her either.  I've tried to be friendly & get close, but she is just not interested.  She doesnt like me.  They are very simple people, no TV & they read to each other every night.  She makes beautiful glass beads & sells them on eBay.  People call him to fix stuff in their house.  Also he has made some beautiful furniture.  

I should go see him, I shouldnt be so snarky about thier dumbass smoking.
What if he suddenly dies, I would feel so sorry I hadnt visited.  I shall make it a point once the weather gets better.  Cousin Eleanore just died last month & I felt so sad I had never even driven to pittsburgh to visit her.  But she & her husband are born again & bigtime into the bible & believe homosexuality is a sin.  So I certainly didnt feel like traveling all that way to deal with that shit.  Now I'm sorry.  And I thought about Alan & not seeing him for so long.

Anyway, if it sounds like Im depressed, I suppose I am.  Hopefully when the summer & sun comes, I'll get over the sun deprevation of these eastern winters.  It's no joke! 

Hope you are well.
Love ya loads,

Oh. My. GOD.
Can You believe I wrote about hating my mother, disliking my brother's wife & hating their (& anyone's) smoking, blowing off poor Cousin Eleanore before she died, feeling depressed & sent it over the internet?  I also wrote about overeating, trying to maintain control over gorging food down my gullet, a classmate that had passed away, (actually that's how this whole letter started...) Can't remember the whole thing, but what a disaster. 

So I sat back & waited for comments & replies, & would you believe besides one good friend who wrote to me personally that I sure could write about my feelings, NOBODY else responded.  They must have all been so embarrrassed for me that I wrote all that, or maybe just shocked.  ha!  Oh my gosh.  I gotta pay more attention to the return email address when I write & click send.  I was mortified...  It's pretty funny, tho.


dghtronly said...

I'm glad to hear you are feeling better.


val41221 said...

This whole e-mail scenario (reply all thing) was the basis for the show that Julia louis-dreyfuss is starring in... it was on last night (4/9/07) - it was funny watching someone you don't know go thru it.

I can only imagine the horror once you hit "SEND"... ugh.  poor you!

Glad you're getting to rest.