Friday, October 05, 2007

Still Gaining Weight Back

Well, I've gained back up to 20 lbs now..probably.  Didn't get on the fucking scale at WW tonight because I snuck in so I wouldn't have to pay. 

I've conqered the damn ICE CREAM habit (the cooler weather has helped,) but now I've marched on full throtle to the dreaded CHOCOLATE jones.  Those hot, fresh baked chocolate chip cookies we cook onboard have suddenly become impossible to resist. 

I actually went out & BOUGHT Milky Ways & Hershey Bars last night & today, then ate them on the sly in the car.  Real addict behavior.  Maybe I'd better just get my ass to an AA meeting, because if I'm spiriling out of control with food/sugar/chocolate it could surely be a red flag that more addictions are coming....  Of course all this fucking Halloween candy on sale everywhere doesn't help. 

Whatever, it's all excuses.  waaa, waaa, waaa...  What a fucking pathetic baby I turn into with addict behavior, so unlike my regular strong, stable bitchwoman I usually bring to the forefront & present to the world.  I guess I've lost it inside of the big, mooshy beachball I feel in my lap when I bend over to
TIE MY SNEAKERS.  It's really obvious, (I've had to put back on my old fat pants at work) & my gutt is so big again that it raises up the cuffs so it looks like I'm EXPECTING A DAMN FLOOD & you can see my whiteass ankles above my scuffed up navy blue clogs.  Lovely.  Just great.  I'm just so purtty with my jowels (back again from the extra weight,) just a swingin' in the FUCKING BREEZE.  shit.  Oh!  And did I mention that D & I have gotten into a bit of a McDONALDS habit of Big Macs, Fries & a med coke???  Other wise known as a #1 at the drive thru window? sigh.  (ps: YUM! damn it.)

Well all this is boring, but I am writing it down to try to face it.  And in the future when I DO finally get my stinkin' thinkin' under control I can look back & REFLECT upon what the hell happened because right now it's a bit of a blur.  That's how it is when one reaches the spiriling down effect in the midst of acting out addictions.  Shit Fuck Piss.  Hate admitting this, I feel so much shame & it's painful. On the other hand, I still can function & go to work, can live, laugh & love.  Okay.  Forward ho!


dghtronly said...

You will get this under control. You will.  Now. go. do. ;)

Keeping good thoughts for you K.

tinaslaw said... said ---

Hey, did you think about joining our Big Gay Loser Weightloss challenge?  It's on my blog -- I have such a hard time sticking to losing weight too.

I thought money/competition might help.  It's only $5.

Anyway -- even if you don't... good luck.  BELIEVE me when I say that I can feel your pain.

val41221 said...

Stop beating yourself up... we've ALL been there (and so have you!)... just try again.

Hang in there and yeah -- join our 'losing group' like Tina said.  It'll be fun!