stupid computers

I am so fricking annoyed, my dumbass laptop has just died & I can't even get into the internet, let alone write on my blog.  CRAP.  I mean I am So Pissed, I have payed SO much money to get my fucking Dell cleaned & redone over & over & I guess I just have to buy another fucking computer.  But I'm  b r o k e,  Dammit.

So if you don't hear from me anytime soon it means I am banging my head against a wall somewhere between trips as I will only be able to read you guys on layovers.  What a drag.  I don't want another Dell EVER.  (Well, it IS about 3 or 4 years old...) 

Does anyone else ever have this stupid, dumbass problem?  Shish.

Nothing Much

Yesterday seemed like Corpus Christi here in New Jersey.  There was a warm, balmy & humid breeze wafting thru the air & it was quite pleasant.  But the nights are turning too cool, like 40 degrees & it's all happening so fast.  I'm flying my last Sept trip out tomorrow, & all too soon pumpkins, halloween & thoughts of (yikes) Thanksgiving & (crap) Xmas will be running thru our heads like tickertape, & biting wind will start blowing even more leaves down, raking will take the place of mowing & then the dreaded snowfalls start & God knows what else...  sigh. My back twinges just fretting about it all.

Well, so I finally lost 50 lbs & I have been eating everything in sight to my heart's content.  How STUPID am I????  Whatever, I'll get all the added weight off in another month.  I've got 6 weeks on maintenance now to try to keep the tonnage down, so I think I'll be able to do it.  Starving gets to be an art after awhile.

 

I Did It!

I went to Weight Watchers today & finally, FINALLY have lost 50 lbs !!!   I am SO happy!  I can't believe it, it's a real Miracle!!  Oh, thank you God, Goddess Universe!  Now if I can just maintain the weight loss, I shall have won this battle.  At least for now.  I mean it is a constant vigilance & focus of inner power & control, so it will always be a fucking battle!  But wow, I did it this far.  It is a true accomplishment for me.  I feel proud and, well - relieved.  I look so much better!  Hell, I look great!  Esp for a 59 yr old fart! 

YEA ME!!!!!!

My Weekend

Well, this was the first whole weekend I had off all month: fri/sat/sun!  I had big hope it would be great.  WELL......

Fri it poured gray rain all day AND the wind blew a lot.  As if that wasn't enough, Doris & her sisters had to go to a funeral for their cousin's husband & it lasted all day.  They love to go to funerals, & there are a lot of them at THEIR age!!  It is always a great reunion for seeing everyone they grew up with.  And black folks really know how to celebrate "home goings" instead of the maudlin funerals we beige beings tend to have.  I however stayed HOME in BED all day.  humph!  Just couldn't do it as I got in at 0300am from flying thru the bad weather.

Unfortunately that day D's daughter called & said she & her daughter would be driving in from Maryland & coming over on Sat, early around 1100 or 12noon, were we going to be there?  I said sure, if you're coming by!  Okay fine.  I was NOT overjoyed because it was my ONLY whole weekend off & I DID want to do something great, BUT okay, whatever...

So Saturday I drug myself out of bed & vacumed & sprayed the house & put patcholi in the light bulb tray, even put on MAKE-up (hate that on a day off) & sat & waited for Doris' daughter & granddaughter to arrive.

By 300pm we gave it up & left to go into The City. We then had a great time just hanging out in the W. Village.

Shit.  Damn the frickin' daughter, she didn't even bother to call & say she wasn't coming afterall.  I seriously have ISSUES with that girl.  Like we don't have anything better to do than just sit here waiting all day for HER to get around to making an appearance.  Fucking annoying. 

So Sunday, did the choir thing at church, then out to eat Sun lunch/dinner with D's sister & HER daughter & granddaughter afterward.  It was pleasant enough...  But I haven't seen them for quite a while, I don't think this sister likes me anymore.  And the truth is, she has gotten on my nerves too.  Guess it's bound to happen after 25 yrs.  But she has been really obvious in not having anything to do with me lately.  So, I just don't care.  Screw her.  Fuck them all, I swear the whole family is so fucking dysfunctional.  Nothing like a whole weekend off to remember how I can't stand anyone. 

But... Doris adores them all, so the charade will continue. 

Leaving On a Jet Plane

I'm flying out again today.  These past 3 days I've been so haunted by a sweet little pasgr from the last trip out.  He was an older black gentleman, distinguished, silver hair & mustache, Very handsome with clear, sparkling brown eyes sitting in coach.  I had spoken with him a couple of times on my way back & forth to the aft galley, what a beautiful smile! 

After landing in Lax he couldn't find his carryon suitcase.  I walked back & forth with him checking every over head bin.  No luggage.  I asked what color it was.  "dark."  Was it black, blue, brown I inquired?  "it may be dark green."  Okay I said & countinued searching.  Another FA said maybe he checked it.  He didn't think so.  I asked to see his ticket.  He couldn't remember where it was.  I looked inside his very neat, fastedious blazer & there it was in his breast pocket.  A claim stub was stapled to it!  Look, you have checked a bag, do you have more than one??  "No mam, just one."  Oh great well, you must have forgotten that you checked it, you will find it at baggage claim!  Where is that?  Downstairs, lower level, on carosel 4, just follow the signs.  Oh thank you so very much for your patience, Miss.  No problem sir, God bless you!  Big smile from both of us.

m

Oh My God.  After talking to another FA it hit me.  I really couldn't tell the whole flight that he was at all disoriented, esp working mainly up front.  She said he had come out of a lav & could not find his seat.  When she helped him, he had thought it was somewhere else.  But another woman said, no you're sitting here, see here's your newspaper.  He had looked baffled. 

Oh My God.  This dear, SO SWEET, neatly dressed, handsome senior citizen must have alzheimers.  Tears fell from my eyes.  It's so unfair.  How sad, how truly, truly horrible.  How can his family send him on a trip alone, & not even warn us to watch after him??  Had we known, we could have had someone meet the plane to help him.  We were in the van on the way to the hotel when we all put the parts of the puzzel together. 

So fucking sad.  I wonder if he knows it is starting.  I just feel wracked with saddness over it.

9/11

God!  It's on every damn channel.  I just can't take it.  The towers imploding over & over.  It's too much.  Hell, the 1st time was too much.  Remember that?  Glued to the TV for the whole day in shock & horror.  And for those of us who lived around here, the thick air & smell was a putrid reminder for weeks afterward.  There are no words.  Now, there are movies & recorded 911 calls.  And today the whole thing yet again as a memorial tribute. The reading of the names takes hours.  Can't fucking stand it.  Most of the Flight Attendants I work with specifically bid this day off.  It's too much, even now.

Flew in with Armand Assante onboard last night.  He is still extremely handsome.  Hell, he's gorgeous!  And VERY polite.  He's so nice & barely asks for anything other than diet coke.  He wore cowboy boots, jeans, big belt buckle, a beige 'tucked in' tuxedo shirt unbuttoned down enough with tufts of dark & silver hair on his chest showing.  And he still has lots of dark hair on his head. He kept highlighting his script & writing notes all over it.  And did I mention POLITE?  A real gentleman. 

There were many other nice passengers, too.  Only 2, well maybe 3 assholes in the whole load. 

The good & the bad.  Life goes on.

Doris' Talents

The dang toilet was leaking from the tank.  45 minutes later, Doris had fixed It.  At least for the night.  The old girl's still got it!!  Thank GOD.  And thank Doris!

I woulda had to use a bucket.  Well at least I would then have a picture to send to Syd's White trash collection.  ha!

A Rude Awakening & Good ending

I have GAINED 1 & 1/2 lbs back, I am SO annoyed.  Damn. I swear, the older you are, the harder it gets.  I am trying to go back to Curves, but I so hate to exercise... even tho' that HAS to be the easiest way.  It seems that running my ass off 30,000 ft up just isn't enough, seems SO unfair. Ratshit.

As if that isn't enough, the (fucking) next door dog was outside barking at 0600 AM this morning, waking me UP DAMN IT.  I feel enraged enough to seriously commit a crime.  Syd, it's a good thing I don't have any of your firearms nearby. 

I so want to go back to sleep, but I can't. 

Stupid neighbors.

Thank GOD this is a day off.

=========== Later on, 800pm ==========

Well, this turned out to be a GREAT day!!!  Doris & I went to the beach (after I took a 1000 am morning nap) & had a wonderful day!!!  God it was so beautiful there today!  We sat on our favorite boardwalk bench & just zoned out!  After sitting there 2 hrs we got up & actually walked the boards from Ocean Grove to Asbury Park & back!  Then dinner at our favorite place there & here we are back home!  

Perfection!    YEA!!!!!                

Labor Day

Well it's Labor Day Monday & I have to work.  boooo.  It figures.  Doris is doing the ole seasonal BBQ for some of her family...  Wish I could stay.  My sign-in isn't until 1600 (4pm) so I've been straightening up around here. 

Yesterday I mowed the sorry-looking lawn (I couldn't get rid of the damn grubs, Weese. Dang the grass was fine & all of a sudden - dead spots. It happens so fast.)   I washed the dog so she wouldn't stink (poor Roxie) & I dusted & cleaned off the piano.  (That was a hard job!)  It had become one dusty catch-all. 

Today I'll vacuum & empty all the trashes before I leave.  I usually do that anyway.  sigh.  I wish I didn't have to go.  Guess I should try to stay grateful for a job.  And at least the sign in isn't early in the morning.  And I'm flying with my old (fart! heh!) buddybidding partners this month, which is both a blessing & a curse because I have missed them, but they keep talking about quitting when we turn 60 next year... but I won't be able to afford to do that.  It's starting to annoy me. 

So much for all that.  I gotta start putting on war paint now.  You know those old biddy's you see in the grocery stores that wear too much make-up, & can't even get their eyebrows on straight because they can't see anymore, not even with their big 8X mirrors?  That would be ME.

Y'all enjoy the holiday! 

And ROSIE is on The View tomorrow!!  Can't wait!

Here comes the depression

It's a dreary, rainy, yucky Saturday.  What's worse, it's Labor Day weekend.  LABOR DAY WEEKEND.  shit.  Where did the summer go???  I'm SO damn depressed summer is over.  WAAAaaaa!  I love summer.  But it's over.  Gone.  Oh, Boo hoo hoo. 

I should really be living in California or some other state where it's  perpetually beautiful summer weather.  But D won't move anywhere.  She wants to be here. 

So here I am.  With her.  So she can holler & yell at me for wanting to get on my laptop & then when she expresses That displeasure, she bellows at me because I want to change the channel from the dumbass "Killer Bees" movie she is watching on Sci-fi.

It seems that I give her "no peace." 

Sigh.  Sweet little wonderful Doris.  Yeah, where the hell is SHE this morning?  And who is this fucking maniac pod person in her place?

Did I mention we are still in bed?  What a waste. 

====================== 9 Hours Later========================

Things are fine now.  We watched "The Birdcage" which always makes us both laugh a lot. 

Finally got up & went for groceries & dinner.  Home now back in BED, yea! 

Doris is asleep...now that's peace. 

Sheesh.

Boring Blogs

Blogs are very personal & are a great tool in life's journey, as any therapist will tell us to start a journal to help get to feelings we might rather not find.  And I know I shouldn't judge, (just another character flaw) lest I be judged myself.  The truth is I'm sure my little bloggings could easily bring out the s n o r e in anyone, I am not that interesting.  That being said, I acknowledge that these next words are not kind.  Okay, I'm a bitch. 

I love my favorite bloggers, & most of you know who you are!  I generally comment on many of your entries, unless your blog doesn't allow me to - which there are a few of those around.  Not all of my favs are listed here on the right, I only list lesbians. 

And I won't even go into what I think of "straight men" who feel a need to comment on dyke blogs other than to say pa-fucking-thetic.  I'm done with helping hets understand gays, not to mention giving a fuck about what men think of anything I say.  At least not in blogland.  My personal het male friends email me.  (Yeah surprise, I have male friends.)

Okay, so here goes...  There is a list of about 50 blogs I try to get to whenever I have have time.  Which isn't that often if they're not my favorites.  I can't believe how some folks start a blog, but never write.  Maybe once a month or worse.  Clearly they have more of a life than me...  Although when they DO finally update, it is just so ho-hum, so probably not. 

Well there is this ONE blog, of course I won't mention the name, but jeeeeeeeeeese!!!  It is SOOOO FUCKING BOORING...  I don't know WHY I go back there about every 2 weeks just to check & see if she's added any more blathering...  which generaly she Doesn't. 

This woman is a Gdamn shrink, folks.  She is a fucking therapist.  And a social worker.  And a dyke.  I keep trying to give her a chance, but she drones on & on about dumb-ass crap that is just so trivial, I mean GAAAAA, what a BOOOOORRRRRIIIINNNNNGGGG brainfart dump of a no-blog mental vomit pile.  Christ! 

Somebody Help me!  I need an intervention to just delete this self-absorbed dumbass ninkempoop off my list.  I mean, shouldn't a shrink have SOMETHING interesting to add about her life's journey at least now & then?  And she supposedly helps people.  Well, maybe she does, but I can't imagine how boring THEY must be. 

Forfuckinggetit.  I'm disgusted.  Life is too short.

An Easy Weekend

I rarely get a whole weekend off, & often try to juggle my schedule with trips trades just to do so. Since Doris retired it's not such a panic to get ea weekend off, since everyday is a weekend for her, now.  However, it IS still great when I hold one off.  This weekend was going to be so great... but then it rained both days.  DRAT.  The last weekend of the summer & it's pouring at the Shore. 

So we went for brunch then went to a movie; Edelweiss which was fun.  The music & dancing were GREAT & there were some gorgeous black women, not to mention a cameo by Patti LaBelle!  (I LOVE PATTI !) 

Incidentally Dana Owens (Queen Latifa) was making a movie in the parking lot there.  This was in Newark.

A relaxing night in bed, watching TV followed.  And we stayed in bed till noon today!  Yea!! 

Finally got out & went for brunch.  Afterwards went to an open house around the corner from where we live.  It is a BIG french provencial that is beautiful & I SO wish wecould afford it.  But $835,000 is impossible not to mention the $8,000/yr taxes.  Damn.  I wish I were monetarily rich.  I would just love to buy it, take Doris there & hand her the keys!  Oh well.  Great fantasy, & it was fun to imagine living there together!  So much for that.

Went food shopping, came home & Doris cooked a delish chicken/spinach/sweet potato dinner. Yum, Girlfriend can cook!   Then we settled back in bed to watch The Emmy's for 4 hours.  Wow, those dresses look so pretty, but all that silicon; so many breast implants.  geesh. And those actresses have to be so skinny.  They must never eat.  Maybe it is easier if you are always around other people that never eat. They must have been SO starving during that show.  I must say that I was happy about 24 winning a lot, by the way!  I really dig that show. And it was fun seeing all 3 original Charlie's Angels together again.

Btw, on my last flight in I had Mimi Rogers & her family onboard.  She was really nice & very pretty, younger looking in person & thin.  She & her husband were really sweet, good parents to their children.  When she came up to the john, she told us that her 1st husband (Tom Cruise) was not crazy when she knew him, but that it was 15 yrs  ago when they were married.  She was just as nice as she could be, & seemed like a really kind person.

Going to read all my blog favorites, now.  And sleep; it's already past midnight...  Gotta fly out this evening so I'll see y'all wed. 

 

Slow Victory

Oh my GOSH!!!  Went to Weight Watchers today & I'm now up to loosing 49 lbs!!!

I just Can't believe it. If I can loose ONE MORE POUND, I'll make it to 50!! 

See, this is the thing, altho' I should be satisfied at 49 lbs it is still just not enough.  I like round numbers.  I'm going for 50.  I'm hoping it will only take one more week, but uhm, well it took forever to get off of 45 lbs to 46. Almost a month. 

I had a bit of a problem with post traumatic stress because of the fucking newest terrorist plots & honeychiles, I ATE.  It felt good to gorge.  Damn I miss that. 

However, I DO like the way I'm looking now that I got it back under to (so called) control. I'm starving tho'.  I have to admit.  sigh.  I could eat everything in sight & I'd still be starving. 

It's just that bottomless pit of wanting/needing comfort.  It takes over my psyche like poison ivy spreading like hot spilled grease.  OyeVey, such a deal...

I could eat a full meal & STILL feel that nawing sandpaper deep inside my gutt. Nothing can satisfy the hunger monster when I'm out of control with food.  So I feel like I'm starving, even when I'm not... 

When I lived in NYC there were great Overeater's Anomymous groups that were just for gays & lesbians, & also just for women.  When I moved to Jersey, unfortunately the few OA meetings around were co-ed, as it were. 

I went, but honestly just did not want to be bothered with men asking me out for coffee afterward.  Sure I always, easily said no, but fuck - it was a pain in the ass.  And I felt pissed there were no women's only meetings like the abundance offered in The City. 

So 10 years & a lot of pounds later I am grateful I Finally got my fat ass to Weight Watchers meetings.  And thank God, Goddess, Universe it is working for me.

Alleluia & Amen.

Now...  If I can just not eat too much on the plane tomorrow when I fly.  Perhaps I can maintain my current 2 lb weight loss for this week!  sigh.  Like all other addictions, one day at a time, Sweet (baby) (that's for you Elizabeth) Jesus. 

Lord, thanks for the strength!

I Love the Beach

Had Julie Newmar (the 1st Catwoman on Batman) onboard & she came up to talk to me in the galley!  She was really nice.  Had one of those "old fashioned" type of face lifts from 'back in the day' so in order to not be unkind, let me just say YIKES!!!!!  You can still see the old beauty, tho'.  And she's tall.  Skinny skinny skinny.  TeeNIney wrists.  Oh yeah, & a metal hip replacement that sets off the security alarms each time. She actually said she wanted to do my job when I watched the crew coming out to use the johns.  She said, I can do that job, I can watch them!!! I said, honey, you can Have THAT job!!!  We had a nice little chat, then she went back to her seat. 

So today when I finally got up, we went to the BEACH! again!!  YEA!!!!  Damn, I love that!  I just sit there on a boardwalk bench & totally zone out...  It is really a relaxing thing to do.  The waves crashing on the shore...  SUN!..  Blue skies..  Fleecy clouds..  tan sand...  a sweet breeze wafting about..  Seaguls diving here & there..  Folks lazily sauntering back & forth in various forms of undress...  kites flying..  single engine planes pulling banners advertising different places to go.., & on a tues, not too much noise !!  God, it's delightful!!  Now I'm ready to fall off the face of the earth into deep slumber.  Nitey night.

A Long-ass Meme

Well, here is a long-ass meme from Sassyfeme, who got it from Courtney.  I watched a few souls toiling to fill this out.  I finally decided to try.  Let me know if you write one, they're fun to read.

1. How tall are you barefoot?  5' '7"

2. Have you ever been cheated on? Uh, Yeahhh...

3. Do you own a gun?  No, never have I EVER owned a gun.  I have ALWAYS been against guns.  I am a pacifist.  But I have a lot of rage at a LOT of people, so it's good for them I don't have a gun.  However... Pilots now have guns..HELL, We are the ones who NEED the damn guns against terrorists in the cabins.  Pilots have bullet proof heavy metal doors up in that freakin' cockpit.  We have to stand there & gaurd pilots with our bodies behind a fucking bar cart when they come out to pee.  The company won't even let us have stun guns.  I am starting to feel the need for a gun.  Besides Syd (Adrenaline's Shadow) has 30 of the damn things.  hahahahahaha!

2.What do you think of hot dogs?   I LOVE hotdogs at summer BBQ's!  I Love the Hotdogs at Grey's Papaya on 6th Av & 8th St in NYC.  Addicted, actually.
Shut UP!  I KNOW they're nasty & bad for me.  When have I ever been addicted to anything good for me???

3. What's your favorite Christmas song?  Silent Night 

4. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?   Boiled skim milk with a decafinated tea bag in it & Stevia sweetner.  Stop going eeewww..  Just put skim milk in a big cup with a decaf tea bag & sweetner into a microwave, turn on for 4 minutes, Voila - Fabulous!

5. Do you do push-ups?  uh, NO.  Really should start.  I've lost 47 lbs now!

6. Have you ever done ecstasy?  Never.  Had it been around in my day, I probably would have.  POT was my drug of choice for a decade.  All day.  Also had a cocain habit twice...  Both very hard to stop. 
I've been clean & dry for 26yrs now.  Don't even do caffine.  Definately NOT as much fun at parties as I used to be!  There just comes a time when some of us just have to put down the stupid shit & grow the fuck up.  I had to do it sober.

7. Do you like Disney World? Only been to Disneyland in LA 3 times& LOVE it !!!

8. Do you like the rain?  Not really, but it smells good.  And nature needs it.

9. Do you own a knife?  Just my old Girl Scout Camp knife.

10. What do you smell like?  Red, Halston, Clinique Aromatics Elixer, & sometimes Patuoli oil depending on my mood.

11. Do you have A.D.D.?  sometimes I truly wonder...

12. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment. The beach was beautiful & peaceful today.  My Eyeballs itch.  Why am I ALWAYS so fucking horney I MEAN HUNGARY???
  .
13. Name the last 3 things you have bought today. Baha Fresh Bare Burrito in a bowl, groceries, Revlon "Swoop" (it's melon color) nail polish.

14. Name five drinks you regularly drink. Hot decafinated Tea, Water, An Orangejuice/Banana/yogart smoothie ea day, lime Perrier, & tomato juice not necessarily in that order.  No more diet soda for me.

15. What time did you wake up today?  12noon.  But I went to sleep at 0400AM.

16. Can you spell?  Not very gud.

17. Current worries?  Terrorists.  No money.  Doris dying.  Me dying.  Loosing everything.  Loosing my mind.  The stupid war.  Soldiers dying.

18. Current hate ?  Mean asswipe mother fuckers.  Con artists.  Lazy bums.  George Bush & his supporters.  Liars.  Bullies.

19. Favorite place to be? HOME with Doris, preferably IN BED watching TV! (Preferably after Loving!)

20. Least favorite place to be?  Stuck around screaming children - all ages- on a plane or sitting in church all day.

21. Where do you want to go? .Camping in the Poconos, or Provincetown!

22. Do you own slippers?  No.  I like bare feet.

23. Where do you think you will be in 10 years?  In a house in the Country with lots of land & trees & a lake or river!  Maybe a mountain or two! 
Or riding thru America in a RV!!  Maybe both!!

24. Do you burn or tan?  Burn if Im not careful.  I've tried to stay out of the sun since I was 30.  It has really helped my complexion.
.
25. Yellow or blue?  Blue if those are the choices, but I like Purple, Pink & Black.

26. Would you give up your current life to be a pirate?  Hell no, that's stupid.

27. Last time your cell rang?  I only turn it on to make calls.

28. What songs do you sing in theshower?  None.  I like baths.

29. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?  My mother.  She was crazy.  It was sad.

30. How much cash do you have on you?  $14.00.

31. Last thing that made you laugh?  Doris at the beach when I was holding her hand & painting her nails, people were staring.  She said it would probably be okay with them if you were Asian.  (Doris is black.) (She said it, I didn't) 

32. Best bed sheets you had as a child?  Little pink flowers with green leaves.

33. Worst injury you've ever had?  My back goes out.

34. Where have you been out of US?  Canada, Mexico, New Zeland, Fiji, Hawaii - before it became a state, Barbados, Jamaca, Columbia..(during my drug years.)
I don't like to leave the US.

35. Who is your loudest friend?  Sometimes Doris.

36. Who is your most silent friend?  Sometimes Doris.

37. Does someone have a crush on you?  No.  I went to SCA (Sexual Compulsives Anonymous) decades ago to make sure I didn't flirt, act out or otherwise mess up the good thing I have. 

38. Do you wish on stars?  No. But I love to star gaze and stare at the moon.  I pray.

39. What song did you last hear?  Luther Vandross "A House is Not a Home..
When I Climb the Stairs & You're Not There..."

40. What song do you want played at your funeral?  "Just A Closer Walk With Thee" done real slow & groovey with hands clapping.  Then "Precious Lord" (Doris can really Belt this one,)  Then  a rousing rendition of"One Glad Morning When This Life Is Over, I'll Fly Away.....  "

41. What were you doing at 12:00 last night?  Climbing into bed after getting home from a hard flight, with frozen grapes to munch on, turning on my laptop to read all your blog entries!

42. First thought upon waking up this morning?  Oh Boy!  We're going to the BEACH!!!!

A Boring Eve

Layed in bed all day yesterday, watched soaps, Doris bbq'd chix & veggies, then we rode bikes & went to the Dairy Queen (for HER, not me!)  Then we drove around with the moon roof open at night trying to cool off!  It was pleasant.  Stayed up late on the computer.  I think D. is getting annoyed at all the time I stay on the computer now.  It IS another addiction I fear.  Hell yeah, it is!

Okay so if that wasn't a boring enough (albeit pleasant!) day, we went to a Democratic picnic tonight.  See, here's the thing, it was boring because I thought it'd be mainly gay people since it was being held at this big Victorian home of gay partners & their adopted children.  Been to lots of Democratic parties there.   Usually a huge queer contingent of our city attends.  Don't know WHERE they all were tonight.   

Instead, about 200 hets were there, maybe only 15 gays, maybe only 6 lesbians.  Damn.  Where the hell were the dykes???  Thank GOD they were all Democrats, at least they had that going.  (I seriously hate Schrub.)  

You know, straight people are okay when they are "tolerant" of Diversity...  It's just that ON MY FRICKIN' DAY OFF I don't want to spend time around them listening to their drivel about how liberal they are when I can't even marry my WOMAN of 25 mother fucking years.  I mean I'm 59, she's 70 for cryin' out loud.  At this rate we'll be 6ft under by the time homosexual marraige is fucking legalized here.  SHIT!!  Very frustrating.  Those Connecticut folks are SO damn lucky. 

Anyway, everyone was supposed to take a dish, which everyone did, there was tons of food.  So here is a brilliant clue if you don't feel like cooking or if you don't know how -like me & my new blogger friend Bent Fabric!... 

Get an aluminum pan & line it with Reynolds wrap.  Buy 2 orders of 20 honey dipped chicken wings from KFC.  Spread them out in the lined pan & bring the aluminum foil totally around it.  Warm in your oven just before going over & voila!!!  Instant "bring a dish" that everyone loves. 

That will be the only "cooking tip" I'll ever offer, ever.  We do it all the time & It always goes over fabulously.  We even tell folks we just stopped by KFC on the way over but they crack up & don't believe us.  hehe.  It's brilliant I tell ya!

One more time

Okay, I'm not going to mention this mess again after this last (hopefully!) time, not that I'm obcessed or anything.  Actually I think a bit of Post Traumatic Stress is kicking in for many of us in the biz.  I guess I should be used to the insanity of it all by now, but is that ever really possible? 

Sorta, it is.  You can go into a numb space & just carry on, business as usual. Uh, isn't this how multiple personalities are formed?  You can call my fabulous flight sky worker Felicia Flight Attendant!  Yeah, that is me.  (uh, not lately!)

Just got back from Lax, the trips to & from were just fine.  Great, actually!  Because if it's 'just fine' & no emergencies, then it's a WONderful flight!  This goes on for regular situations, as well as during times of high stress like NOW!

Flights are packed, loaded- people are not scared.  Call me crazy, but what are they nuts???  If I didn't have to work, I would definately be staying home although it is probably the safest time to fly with all the scrutiny security is giving everyone. I saw them take hand creme & lip gloss away from some woman who forgot & left them in her purse. 

Folks are checking their rollaboards & other suitcases so that they can have their make-up, shampoo & other necessities at their destinations.  Therefore, boarding is Great!!  Quick, no carry-on baggage.  It is a dream. 

Also folks are so nice again, like after 9/11, they are very kind & grateful that we are there to get them from one place to another. I always look at all of them as sparks from God in the beginning of each flight.  Usually it doesn't take long to forget that, once the demands & whining starts. Yesterday it was easier to keep it in my thoughts because psgrs remained polite & kind.

As we were coming in for a landing last night, I was thanking God, Goddess, Universe for giving me so much, including such a great job.  (I do this a lot, so it's part of a praying habit for getting me thru each trip.)  Then I caught myself & a small voice was saying , 'what are you NUTs??  This is insane!'  But I just as quickly blew that off, & remained grateful, happy & calm.

Go Felicia, go!

Man, was I glad to get home.

A New Trend

Well, I feel better now.  Nothing like a day at the beach to calm my nerves.  Not to mention, the current Alert Level is now down to orange  for domestic flights.  Oh what a relief, I just feel SO much better.  shit.

Can't write long today.  Gotta go CLEAN out my WHOLE suitcase from shampoo, ALL 10 hair conditioners, 5 perfumes (never know what my mood will be!), tooth paste, frizease, scalp gel, 2 DEODORANTS (peeU!) & liquid make ups including base, mascara, liquid liners, gloss, hmm wonder if we can take lipstick....  yikes just lovely.  Hell, I may not even NEED a suitcase.  I'll just throw a few things into a brown bag & call it a night.  May start a new trend.

 

New Terrorist Plots

Okay, so last night I get in from my flight & write this whole blog entry about my job & how much I enjoy it. 

Ahem..  So good fucking morning to me.  I wake up & all shit has broken loose.  The current Alert Level is at the highest RED, airports are crazy with lines & delays, & no one can bring onboard liquids, cremes, toothpaste, gels, shampoos, many carryons will be in clear plastic bags.  Delays are long.

While Im grateful these plots are uncovered, it's OMFG scarey.  I'm sick to my stomach.  Im calling my girlfriends taking the LAX trips out today & telling them I love them.  If you don't have to fly, you are lucky.  Stay home & enjoy your life. 

Doris is taking me to the shore to sit on a boardwalk & breathe deeply. 

This Job

It is always HARD to leave home & go to work, esp since Doris is now retired & thus always here...  She always gets so sad when I have to go.  Then when I'm gone, I feel so guilty that she's lonely & I can't wait to get back to her.  I always call to let her know I'm thinking of her.  I really DO WISH I could retire, too.  I crave it.  But I'm only 59 & 3 yrs away from Early retirement, & I can't afford to stop now. 

On the other hand, I do often like the job, I often love the Flight Attendants I work with & if I don't, it's usually one trip I'm stuck with them - not like I'm stuck everyday in an office with the same old bitches & dickwads.  If I DO get stuck with a difficult worker for more than one trip, it would be for a month at the most, as we bid for different schedules each month. 

There are a lot of nice passengers in the world.  There are also some flaming idiots.  But I guess the same could be said about flight crews sometimes.  Usually FA's are Very Nice, helpful to each other & funny too!  And we can talk about all our problems, we all have a sympathetic ear & often times have similar issues because of the job. We're good for spilling our guts during a break & equally excellent at maintaining composure & carrying on professionally.

I LOVE hotel rooms.  I love to have my own space, my own bed - I sleep better away by myself, probably because I'm so pooped from work.  I always wish Doris was there with me, but am just as glad she's not because SHE would want to go out & about & I would be too damn tired from flying.  I also appreciate being able to fart stink bombs all alone without offending her or anyone else for that matter.  (grin*)

It's great to be able to make someone happy.  If I feel that Doris is not happy with me, we have fought & the same old shit is pissing us off, it is a relief to know I'm not a total failure when I go to work & can easily serve a drink, some snacks, smile & chat to make others content for a few hours. It certainly isn't all that hard.  And by the time I get back home in 2 or 3 days, Doris & I have a better appreciation for each other from missing & wanting to be side by side. 

Which brings me back to retirement.  Once D retired, it was VERY difficult to have her around here 24/7.  How bad would it be if I NEVER had a job to run off to that I could get away from the everyday spats & annoyances, not to mention the infuriating fights now & then???  I envision retirement to be Heaven, but would it be Hell as well? 

Seeing that I can not afford to retire at the moment, I guess that question is moot.  But it does go thru my mind whenever we have disagreement's we don't seem to be able to discuss.  When I mentioned how bored I was at that last church function, her remark was that I always find something to complain about.  And I am never satisfied.  Well maybe there is SOME truth to that, but the same could be said for her as well. 

One thing is for sure.  When I fly away I often end up thinking the arguments are just a 'piss in the bucket' & that the important thing is our relationship, our home & our Love. Then I just can't wait to get back.

Love is everything, certainly the most important thing!  As I look at Doris lying here by my side, sleeping peacefully with her cute little men's white undershirt on, & her newspapers strewn about, my heart jumps for joy!  She is beautiful, she is mine & I am hers.  I am really lucky & blessed!  Life is good.

So Much For Sunday

There are 2 excellent TV preachers I love to watch Sunday morning.  The best, Joel Osteen is based in Houston.  He is fABULOUS & so funny.  In 30 short minutes he delivers a message so good that I always get a lot from his sermon!  It always amazes me that my own church reverend has to take hours with his sermons & I get so bored I don't even KNOW what the hell the message is by that time, nor do I care. 

The other minister is TD Jakes based in Dallas.  He is really dynamic & also so funny!  He also gets his message across in only 30 minutes.  Both these guys are exciting, even tho they have totally different styles. 

I USED to always tune into the Hour of Power with Robert Schuller but a few weeks ago he did a whole sermon about "certain interest groups" trying to change the definition of marriage. Fuck Him.  Now these other 2 guys may also be homophobic but since I don't know that yet, ignorance is bliss. 

I always have these show on while doing makeup & getting ready to go to church & sing in the choir with Doris.  Today, altho the main service & music was grand, there was an extra program afterwhich we all had dinner there.  The Sisters' can really cook, but seeing that Im trying to loose weight, no mac & cheese, biscuits, potato salad, gravy or rice for me.

Doris was in her Gospel singing glory, happily enjoying her sisters & all her church ladies, they are all very nice & over 70yrs.  I was SO DAMN BORED I thought I would just DIE.  Although I made myself useful & went around picking up all the trash & empty plates, I can ONLY take SO much of this. We didn't get home until 400pm.  The whole day shot to hell.

Call me a heathen, but I can get my 'praise on' JUST as much if not more, just hanging out in bed & watching my simple TV church!  I can tune in The Bobby Jones Gospel Show for wonderful singing as well. 

But I go to church to be with Doris, to share Praise & Worship with her, to share in this part of her life.  God is important in our lives, but lately I've been going less & she seems to be going more.  I hope it's not a sign of trouble in our relationship.  Next sunday I have a trip to fly.  I'll have an excuse for not going.  Phew! 

I'm a lot more Spiritual than I am religious.  I definitely need God, Goddess, Universe in my life.  It is the ONLY way I can keep myself from being totally negative & depressed everyday.  And it is how I've learned to pull myself out of the ruts of depression I can easily fall into.  Gospel music Really helps, but sitting in a church building all day doesn't do it.

Give me nature any day.  Perhaps a trip to the Poconos is due, Pine trees by the Delaware Water Gap!  Or at the very least, I need a beach!  Either shore.  The Pacific is prettier, but the Atlantic will do.  Maybe tomorrow!!!!? 

Ixnay On the Apesgray

Gotta write fast, have to fly out.

1st, you know that brilliant stupid frozen grape tip I was raving about last week?  Well I GAINED 1 LB FROM ALL THOSE GRAPES, DAMMIT TO HELL.  Fuck.  I was told 1 cup is 1 point, so eat only 20 for 2 points.  Man, I am SO annoyed.  I had been eating them by the 100's!  Thought I had found a real treat that I could eat as much as I wanted.  Once again, time to get the masking tape & just slap it on my mouth.  If it tastes great you'll gain weight.  Makes me crazy. I'm an idiot.

So You Think You Can Dance was great last night.  Mia was mean to those kids.  No wonder I dig her so much, she has a mean edge.  Reminds me of my mother, you can never please those types.  She was VERY nice on the plane.  She'd better be, because I can deal a bitch right back out if that's the way I'm treated. 

Gotta put on the war paint.  Time is fleeting. 

Reflecting

Phew, that was a close one!  Escaping depression ain't that easy!  I do think the (FUCKING) heat didn't help any, it really IS impossible to move in this kind of weather.  But hey, if it were the middle of winter with snow drifts blowing 10 ft high, & Doris & I had a fight, it'd be the same.

Relationships are hard, & when I feel hurt or betrayed I usually want to cut & run..  Or more to the point run & fuck - to feel wanted & appreciated.  Luckily I worked thru that behavior decades back & I would never do that now.

Besides if you dump the one you're with, the next will have just as much fucked up baggage.... maybe even more.  It could always be worse.  And I really doubt it could ever be better - unless we get better ourselves, which is not always possible & surely not easy.

I'm aware part of my problem is that my entire focus is on Doris, whereas her focus is split a hundred ways, between sisters, children, grandchildren & church.  But I LIKE just focusing on Doris. 

I think it's romantic, albeit ahhh, what was that psychological buzz word 10-15 yrs ago, oh hell I just can't think of it, but it's definitely not positive. Oh yeah, CO-DEPENDANT!  Well hell, I block THAT one out so easily I can't even remember what it's called!  However I do not wish to change that part of myself.  Obviously.

I'm thinking I'm so loyal, but I'm clearly just possessed!  (har har!) 

I want to acknowledge those who supported me during this last melancholy siege with their blog comments or by personal email.  Thank y'all!  It takes a village,.. hehe... to raise an inner child, let alone any child. 

 

        

Depression

I was depressed yesterday.  If you read this blog at all, then you realize this happens to me now & then, here & there.  Mainly when Doris & I have a fight.  Since I haven't taken anti-anxiety/depression meds for over 26 yrs, I often begin to panic when the slide starts, the downward spiral into the unending abyss where you can't seem to pull yourself off the couch or out of bed unless you have to pee. 

The fear of paralysis down in the pit, and thinking I'll never be able to pull myself up again is overwhelming everytime.  But I've been thru this so often, & luckily I do seem to eventually propel myself back to the surface & gasp for a breath of sanity like pushing thru murky lake waters after hitting rock bottom. 

It's seems almost impossible to remember positive thinking, gratitude for all I've been given in this lifetime & the Love of Jesus when I'm feeling in over my head & down so low.  But Eureka!  Last night I got a grip & Today is another day!  Oddly enough life does go on, thank God, Goddess, Universe!

PHEW!

So looking back, Doris & her sister are going to a church conference later today in Parsippany.  I went last year, our choir was fabulous & it was very uplifting.  But Doris & Sis decided to be on the hospitality committee this time, which I just didn't want because it means going way earlier & staying Way later than even regularly.  Black church services are SO looooong, my damn scrawny butt gets so tired sitting there forever & listening to preachers scream on & on about the blood of Jesus & quite frankly I KNOW how they feel about homosexuality, so forget about it, this year I chose to FLY & work a 2 day trip.  Okay fine.

Well, Doris & Sis were talking about staying in the Hilton Hotel where it will be held for weeks.  Suddenly Sis started talking about her daughter & grand daughter coming.  Thus Doris would be shit out of luck.  So Doris throws out that I can use my Marriot points toget her a room nearby. I get annoyed at this since I won't be there.  She gets furious at me screaming that I am selfish & I Never help her.  (We are in the car when this comes up, I have just driven all over, picked up groceries, stopped at Baha Fresh & gotten us dinner, & have tried to pay for our stuff this past week, since she's run out of funds paying bills.  Not to mention "The Braclet" from last week.)  We just don't have much money.

Well I was shocked by all this behavior, & from the beginning knew this was crazy & simply couldn't believe D's reaction.  But she was infuriated.  (We get nuts when we're broke.)  I was feeling that She was the selfish one wanting me to spend points I was saving for us someday on her damn church bullshit.  Also that she is a spoiled brat.  Also that she is So Unappreciative.  Unbelievable.

Okay, so the next day (yesterday) I awoke, called the damn hotel for Doris trying to get her a reservation.  It took 2 hrs going thru different channels seeing that they wanted to charge $250/day.  Forget that.  She was grateful I was doing this for her (she has no clue how to deal with hotels) & I finally found a young, sweet gentleman behind the hotel desk (who really didn't know what he was doing) so he gave me a break of $115/day, I asked D which of HER credit cards she wanted to use, she gave me one, he gave me the confirmation number & that was that. 

She was thrilled & excited, now she could tell her sister that she had a room for them, she would drive her, she was in charge...  She has done a great thing, they will be superstars in their church & all is at peace with the world.

I on the other hand suddenly went spiraling downward.  Until then I had held it together, but after everything was fixed, made okay done - I got depressed. 

But today I'm better.  Actually I started to get better last night. We were again happy, watching TV, eating delecious frozen grapes & cooling off.  Thank GOD. 

Doris is getting ready for her conference and I have to get ready to fly out.  Damn.  That was a bunch of unnecessary bullshit.

I just can't believe it takes so little to throw me into the dregs of depression.  Shit, mon..  What.A.DRAG.  Doris just screams, becomes hateful, gets it out & then goes back to being her merry little sweet self.  Me?  I can see the ridiculousness, but can not seem to get over the immediate disrespect & ungratefulness that is spewed forth.  (If it is ME screaming, acting like an ASS then I get even More depressed when I come back to sanity from crazing over the top.)

I blew a whole day off just laying there unable to move or feel joy.  Of course, it was sweltering hot & we were trying to conserve energy by keeping the air conditioner off.  (our last electric bill was $200.)  That may have really added to the problem, shit the heat was unbearable. 

But then we turned the AC on finally, Doris bbq'd chicken & corn on the cob, & that was great.  Later, the middle grandchild came by for the 1st time on his own, driving his new car, all grown up!  Wow!  Time sure does fly while I'm laying around stagnant in time & space.  That got me over it & turned me around.  By midnight we were laying in our king size bed, enjoying each other while I fed her frozen grapes.  Ahhhh.  Love at last.  Back to normal.

Sheesh.

A Free Day

I'm so used to picking up extra trips to make more money that it is very ODD to just sit at home & not do that.  I decided a month or so ago I was going to have to stop because I kept getting so sick from being run down.  Funds being rather low in Both our accounts (like empty, non-existant) it's hard to afford gas to travel anywhere but work. 

However I really MISS going to the beach this summer.  It keeps raining on the weekends here in Jersey, so it isn't the best weather to sit & enjoy the seascape. Last night (midst lightning & thunder) we spoke about possibly venturing out today if the sun stays out to go sit on the sand & just suck in the salty air.

The View is almost over so I'd better hurry & see if I can rustle the Fabulous Doris out of her back yard utopia, fill up the tank & take a day trip!  Wish me luck.

PS, lost another pound.  Finally!

Well, Dang.  A severe storm watch has been issued over the whole Eastern seaboard & the whole tri-state area.  So okay.  No trip to the shore today. Ratshit.  Guess I'll go get groceries.  Hey, have I mentioned the pleasure of frozen grapes during the summer time?  Good diet tip.

Wrestling With My Conscious

I left the house early to go to the airport 2 days ago.  That way I could stop in the Jewelry exchange & pick up Doris' gift!  Mona only came down $15.00 on the price, big fuckin' whoop. 

I had made my mind up, though.  And that I knew Doris loved it, well how could I resist?  Clearly we will not be able to get one for each of us, two of the braclets would be almost $1,000. (dang that Mona.)  Not to worry, I shall just enjoy looking at the beautiful, sleek golden cats around Doris' lovely, long strong arm!  (She should have been a pro basketball player being 6 ft tall.)  (love her muscles!) 

I paid with a check for "cash" so I didn't have to add the tax, which is now up to frickin' 7% thanks to our dumbass new govenor that recently brought the whole damn state to a standstill until evrybody voted yes for increasing the tax change.  Hell, I voted for him, but I now think he should be impeached...  6% tax was the only great thing about living in (Elizabeth, pay attention!) NEW JERSEY. 

Well, that's not entirely true - I do get to share a (teeeeeeeeny abode in the Jersey burbs - couldn't afford more) with my  Fabulous Woman,  so that IS a great thing!  Obviously I would be willing to live most anywhere just to be with Her (since I'd lived in NYC for 27years, in Greenwich Village, on Christopher St (!) (the corner of Christopher & Bleeker to be exact! - Homosexual Mecca at the time) to be MORE exact... Yep, I actually moved to fuckin' NJ to buy a house with her.  Years later we had the opportunity to buy my parent's wonderful home in California, but noooOOOOooooo.  She was born in Jersey & she's more than likely going to die here...  She won't move. 

Okay, so now here we are, 10 yrs later, (we had been together 15yrs before buying a house,)....  

My little slice of heaven.  As it were...

Need a new roof, new plumbing, new bathtub (it is too small,) new toilet  sink & tile, new electrical wiring, painting inside & out,& we need to cut down a couple of rotting trees about 4 stories high. (That would cost more than $1,000/tree - fuckin' robbers those tree service folks are...)  hmmm, what am I leaving out...  Well, nevermind. 

So I am feeling irresponsible, but uhmmm,.......    Screw it! 

Instead of doing any of the above repairs & taking care of business,..... well,.....  I have invested in a lovely Italian sculptured, exquisite golden cat bangle for my lover.  Two gorgeous, sleek (dare I say slick?!) pussys facing each other.  Works for ME!  She is thrilled.  And heck, you only live once... 

This time around!... heh! heh!

I Know what I want to get Her !

Ooooh!  I saw what I want to get Doris!  A beautiful gold braclet that has 2 sculptured cat/panther/lynx type heads facing ea other.  You pull the heads apart to put the braclet on.  She loves it.  It's perfect!  Also expensive.  Mona the jeweler is calling tomorrow to let me know if she can come down in price...

Of course, we dont NEED cat braclets to be happy about 25yrs together.  BUT it's always nice to have a lovely bauble to gaze upon & think of the milestones that pass us by!! 

I'm tired.  Wish I didn't have to fly tomorrow.  drat.

But I'll sure have to fly more than tomorrow if I wanna get that fabulous braclet for my gorgeous scrumpkins!

July 17, 1981 - 2006

I am a lucky woman!!!  25yrs with my Beautiful babe!  Fuckin' awesome!!

Okay, Doris & I drove to Atlantic City on Saturday.  I secretly took our bathing suits, makeup, clothes etc thinking I would be able to get a room with my flight ID & surprise my Woman!  Well, it just so happened this was the "Madonna" weekend & rooms were $469 everywhere.  So much for that.  And Doris is NOT a Madonna fan, so I was relieved I didn't need to suprise her with tickets.  phew!  Okay, not to worry, we went to a nice restaurant & had great grub...  relaxed & talked about our options...  We were just fine strolling the boardwalk for hours & wandering in & out of the casinos, & watching people.  uh...  yikes! with the people.... 

After the sun went down we drove over to the Borgata, which was very exquisite, -finally some class- hung out around there & played some slot machines.  Eventually we decided to leave & drive home.  It was late & we got on the wrong highway & ended up in Philly, shish!!  Well we laughed the whole day long & THAT was just the ridiculous end, thank God we found it halarious. 

You know, if I never go back to AC it would be fine with me.  Truth is I really hate that place.  (Don't really like Vegas either.)  First I seriously can't STAND all the cigarette smoke, it totally stinks, not to mention who can breathe in there????  It's depressing seeing all those folks just throwing their money away & LOOSing it!  Especially if it's ME !!!!!  I work too fucking hard to piss away my paycheck like that. 

BUT Doris (& her Sisters & her work friends & her church ladies) love the casino thing, they think is so much fun.  And I wanted D to have fun, I knew she would enjoy going there, so I did the scene & never complained & just watched Doris enjoy herself.  After so many slots, it got boring to me but I just rolled with the flow.  I patiently waited for HER to get bored & want to go.  In the car on the way home, then I told her how I felt & she was like not so thrilled with Atlantic City either, said it had really changed for the worst. 

But I just really enjoyed being away, alone with her, we never go there, I know she's wanted to, & I felt rewarded that she didn't care for it so much anymore either.  It didn't really go the way I'd planned it, but it was still a fun time to share. 

So Sunday I thought we'd stay home from church, but Doris had gotten 4 messages on the anwsering machines saying they needed her for the combined choirs when we got in Sat nite.  I knew I should go with her if for no other reason than to be 'together' for our anniversary weekend.  However, I really didn't want to go thru listening to the congregation clapping for Mrs & Mr Robinson celebrating their 23rd year anniversary when we can't announce & celebrate our 25th.  Pisses me off.  D just rolls her eyes at this & off she went (I KNOW they needed her great gospel voice for the service,) & I layed around & caught up on blogs!  We were going into New York City later for dinner! 

Well, it was a scorcher that day & I fell asleep in a coma sweat from the heat (surrounded by the Sunday papers, my laptop, & "The Velvet Rope" lesbian film playing on Logo our gay TV in this part of the woods!)  ahhhhhh, heaven. 

I was pleasantly awakened by garlic chicken cooking in the oven downstairs, Doris was home & started dinner!  She said the Sunday traffic was bumper to bumper & it was too hot to venture to the City thru the tunnel.  Well, okay with me!!!  We went out & took a dip in our (above ground) pool - which was FREEZing & that cooled us right off!  We floated around, bobbeling in the late afternoon (heavy on the sun screen) until time to eat!  Yum!  We took a short nap on the couch reading the papers, then I mowed the lawn when the sun set late.  D wanted to go to the Dairy Queen so off we went.  We came back & parked in the driveway under a big moon & talked about how lucky & blessed we are.  We often back into our driveway, roll down the windows & just watch the world go by & chat.  Reminds me of highschool & college, coming home from dates. 

So today (Monday) was The Day!  I had gotten pink roses  & 2 beautiful cards for my Doris & left them on the downstairs kitchen table.  We had said no presents.  Imagine my shock when I staggarded down to find a shiney purple bag with 3 anniversary balloons (I love balloons,) 3 wonderful cards & a gorgeous black hills ring with an unusual stone!  DAMN.  And me without a present for her.  Oh, man.  Well, of course I was thrilled, but I felt bad.  I said lets go immediately & I'll get you a bauble too!  No she said, you've spent too much & you've already given me everything I ever wanted.  Ahhhh.  Love this girl! 

It was another too hot day, so we layed around, watched some daytime TV, got into the pool (it is WONderful to have a pool, even if it is only an above ground because the summer sun is SO intense these days.)  We floated around & talked about our amazing life together.  Then we went to the Macaronni Grill & chowed down.  Manny, our favorite waiter gave us cheesecake & lowered the prices for our special day!  He couldn't believe we were gay!   HUH????  And here I was thinking I was turning into another tired looking dyke.  Perish the thought! 

We drove home expressing how lucky & blessed we are!  Lordie, it was hot.  Doris climbed back into the pool & later enjoyed her dessert.  I appologized for not having a bigger 'party weekend' for our 25th year together, she said no way - this was great!  Yeah, it was.  I'm so happy I had her all to myself!  But make no mistake, as soon as I get back from tomorrow's trip I'm buying her a beautiful present! 

 

 

Countdown

Shit.  I have gained 1 1/2 lbs.  I/2 lb last week, 1 lb this week.  FUCK, Shit, Piss.  Okay.  Today after a quick Curves workout Doris & I went to a mall, & walked for 2 hrs. (Got a new smaller bra!!) I couldn't help but notice my reflection in store mirrors.  I called Doris over to one, pointing I said LOOK!!!  I look skinny!!!  She said you are skinny, you have really dropped that weight! 

So at WW tonight I was shocked I'd gained yet another fucking pound.  I started cussing, (yeah, they love me there) & then I remembered eating airplane sandwiches (roastbeef/CHEESE on fat white buns) last week, & left overs from Doris' damn plate last night, so.......  Back to pure, strict focus.  Back to bootcamp deprivation.   

So here's my latest delima...  What the hell will we do for our 25th Anniversary???   We talked about going to AC (Atlantic City) to walk the boardwalk & do the beach thing.  I Looked up the Casino Shows on the computer & the tickets are SO expensive.  crap. 

I looked up Rainbow Mountain (a gay resort in the Poconos we've gone to & the prices are so sky high.)  Plus it is raining on & off so much, the Delaware River is swollen over it's banks. 

No money for a big party, & really, I'd rather have it just she & I.  Maybe I just won't worry about it & do nothing, just go with the flow like every other weekend.  After all, we might not have extra money to spend, but we DO have each other - such a blessing!- and we do have our own home which we enjoy just hanging out at!  I feel like I will let her down if I don't come up with anything brilliant. 

One good thing, I was able to trip trade & get mon off, 7/17th!  25 years!  Doris is just as beautiful now as she was when I layed eyes on her across a crowded dance floor at a NYC Dyke Disco!  We are so blessed! 

So I am flying out tomorrow & will be back fri night.  I guess the "festivities" will begin whenever I wake up on Sat. morn.  I have 2 days to think about it.  Any ideas will be welcomed.

An Inventorial View

3 days ago I was writing for 1 1/2 hours on my laptop & it suddenly turned itself off, I lost everything. I was so pissed I didn't try again till now.  Keep in mind, I just paid $125 to have this bitch fixed.  So I guess I shall have to go back to writing a paragraph then saving it, go back in again & write the next & save, on & on till I'm finished.  Do any of you EVER go thru this frickin' bs with your laptops?

So I gained back 1/2 lbs with all the BBQ I ate over the 4th of July.  I know it is not much, but still disheartening since at this point it really takes SO long to loose an oz.  It is definitely hard for me to stop eating something delicious once I start.  Portion control is hell.

Well, I need to try to stay positive with my 45 lb weight loss.  uhm, make that 44 1/2 lb loss.  damn. 

Okay, first I am wearing SIZE 10 from size 4xxx & size 28!  Folks are definitely noticing.

Next best - my face is smaller!  Went from a fat, jowly cheek/neck area to having a pin head!  I have cheekbones.

I have a waistline!  I couldn't believe how much better I look in a swimsuit this year.  Still got a gutt, but I'm thinking 5 more lbs will make it passable...  hmm maybe.  I might even shave my legs for the 1st time in 3 decades. ....Naaaaa.....  probably not.  I'm a furry dyke.  And Doris likes it.  Thank God.

Doris is always smiling at me now & complimenting me on how "you really lost that weight!!"  She still reaches out to grab my butt, but then she always did that!  My ass is now flat, by the way - which is NOT a good thing since I love a great derriere, it was always that way growing up tho'.  At least I'm no longer shocked & jumping when I pass by a mirror, I used to think someone was following me.  It was my mammoth ASS.

And this bulletin just in:....  Not the coolest thing to write in a blog but I used to have  pendulous, thick, hanging globules of heavy fat for breasts. They were beyond huge; I wore a 42DDD.  So in the shower on my last layover as I was soaping the girls down, shampoo in my eyes - thus eyes closed, I suddenly realized I had my hands around small, rather petite breasts!  I now have regular, normal sized, round feeling, smallish everyday boobies!  It was shocking & joyous.  Now maybe people will look more in my eyes when they meet or talk to me.

It's all such a miracle!  I feel happy. So I gained back a half pound.  BFD.

 

Saw the Best Movie!

Doris & I went to see The Devil Wears Prada today!!!  Damn!!  It was GREAT!!!  SO MUCH FUN.  Really cool. 

Now, some folks may think a movie about the fashion industry would be boring & mundane. Well, IT WASN'T. 

All those beautiful clothes, purses, shoes, jewelry, models, designers, & snot bucket attitudes were pelleted non-stop across the screen in such colorful, gay profusion.  So amazing!  A great feast for the eyeballs.

But let me tell you about Meryll Streep!  OH MY GOD....- RIVITING!!!  She is SO FUCKING FABULOUS!!  Like duhhh, I KNOW, but Oh My GAAAWWWDDD, who in this world is a more brilliant actress than her?????  And she looked better than ever with that hairdo (probably a wig - but if I could look that good, I'd cut all mine off!!) & makeup, plus her Wardrobe was to die for! 

I can't wear those high heels at this time in life as my Flying Feet are SHOT, okay???  (Much to Doris' chagrin) And I don't wear dresses anymore.  (ditto before...)  In fact I now wear sweats, jeans, tee shirts, & other sordid, schleppy attire. 

But there was a time in my past incarnation that I was into ALL exquisite fashion as I modeled in my youth (age 8 to 21) & did the beauty pageant rounds after high school thru college. (Forget it, I'm not getting into all that today!)  I dumped it all around 1969 during the Feminist Movement with the exception of being a most fabulous discoqueen-diva ever in the 70's up thru the 80's. So it was exciting to visit that glamour for a few hours in this movie.  Can't say I ever want to go back to all that, but it sure is pretty to look at!

Now, back to the FABULOUS Ms. Streep, - She Was SO FIERCE!!!!!  Good GOD!!  And WHY am I always attracted to tough, bossy, cold bitches like that I wonder?  It MUST be the ole' mother trick, my dear Mother- 'Ruth Truth' had me jumping thru hoops all my life trying to please her, which was an unending impossibility. Atleast I HAVE learned that those bitches I'm so attracted to are NOT what I really want, although I have even become one one the surface, myself.    I do love a tough broad.   

Well anyway, enough of this dribble.  I see where Superman beat Prada out at the box offices this weekend.  Shish.  I saw enough of young men in tights & capes at the Pride Parade last Sun!  If you have a chance, go see The Devil Wears Prada if for no other reason for Meryll Streep's AMAZING performance!  All the pretty women & the mad kaleidoscope of insane fashion are just a plus!

 

I am lucky!

It is wonderful to have a 'Good Butch !' around the house for many reasons, but tonight I am so lucky!  It has been raining (pouring) for weeks now, & suddenly one of the basement sump pumps went crazy. 

I wouldn't have known, but I kept blowing a fuse trying to microwave popcorn & everytime I flipped back the fusebox switch, I noticed the sump pump working overtime, but no water was being forced out.  So I called for my Fabulous Doris & upon inspection the hose had separated from the stupid pump. 

She fixed the whole thing (naked even!- wowie!!  It was hot down there so she just stripped off her PJ shirt!) with a new clip & a screw driver!  WOW!  a frickin' plumber would have charged SO much.  Of course, I helped by fetching her tool bag from the garage & holding the damn flashlight on this proceedure.  grin.  (very important.) 

     My gosh, I could have never figured out any of this myself being the dorky dunce that I am when it comes to any of this type of stuff. I am SO LUCKY that Doris is so good.  phew!  that was a close one!

     I am also glad we'd taken the grandkid home earlier, so this was just she & I dealing with potential flood turmoil & all our cussing & swearing!  Not to mention being naked!  What a great view!!!!!!!!!!  Zowie!!

Damn Contraption, Gay Parade, & Grandkid

Oh my GOD, I'm so annoyed.  I just paid $125 to have some piece of shit sautered on to this damn contraption of a laptop plus $29 to have aol worked on so I can pull up my email....  and I STILL CAN"T PULL UP MY EMAIL.  What the FUCK???  GAAAA.  I can get AOL, all 80 emails  appear, but when I click on ea email, NOTHING HAPPENS..  NOTHING> .  I don't get it.  So I have to take this back in, & already it's been so long since I've written.

So here's what's happened over the past 3 weeks:

First I've now lost 45 lbs!! (I Can't believe it!) Yeaaaaaaaaa!!!!!  Today I actually bought capri demin jeans in size 12 AND size 10 !  This was very exciting!!!  Thank you God.

Last weekend my Fabulous Doris & I went to the NYC Gay Pride Parade...  but not All 8 HOURS of it... We were only there 3 hrs...  We went late, we finally found a place to park, then walked down the midway checked out all the stuff for sale, got stared at since we were so old (albeit gorgeous..), got asked to do a colestral commercial HA!HA!HAAA!  (we said no thanks..)  strolled around & found a place to perch & continue watching the crazy gay folk,  (everyone was SO young...  I mean seriously ...  they all looked 12 years old.)  shit! 

Dang, there was no place to pee & it was impossible to get into restaurants...  so after getting hot dogs from Grey's Papaya, we sat in the car to dine & then hit the Holland Tunnel back to Jersey.  phew!!!  What a waste. 

I thought it would be so great to be able to walk around holding hands & it was, but I still felt like I was on Mars because everybody was really so so very YOUNG.  Hell.  Where do I have to go to feel kindredship - a gay senior citizen centre???  (I WISH ther WAS such a place!)  Wierd. 

I do enjoy the Sage dances, but damn, thoses dykes really do look tired.  Seriously.  I don't wish to seem rude, but good Lord - nobody looks as beautiful as Doris, & I am getting back to looking well,almost fine.  It is good to see Doris smile every time she looks at me these days!  It is so worth all the hard work at Weight Watchers. 

Well back to my damn computer.  I am thinking of getting a small Apple laptop next so I can travel with it.  Do any of you use Apples?  Let me know what laptops you guys like.  I am going to have to start saving for a new one... 

So when I got home from LA last night the youngest grandchild was here.  He's still here.  He's a good kid, (14 yrs) & just graduated from the 8th grade.  He's sweet.  His big brother (18 yrs) is working away at a camp, & he will go join him there next month.  They would rather be here staying with us & visiting their Grandma than anything else.  If any of you read me regularly, then you KNOW how little tolerence I have for kids for very long.  I know...  I am a bitch. 

Is is too much to want, need PEACE & NO KIDS around??  How the HELL do parents do it?  I should NOT complain.  This is a great kid, & I do love him.  I just want him to go home.  His home, not mine.  I already asked Doris if we can take him back tomorrow.  She said yes, but her eyes said maybe.  sigh. 

Let me just shut up before World War III starts around here. 

I think I'll go make some popcorn, drink lime Perrier & catch up on your blogs.  At least my computer hasn't turned itself off yet.  I guess that much is fixed.

Today Is Father's Day

Today is Father's Day so I should write about how I loved my Daddy.  He was a good provider & worked really hard, altho' he was out of town alot on business.  (Or so he said...)  Also he didn't communicate much, being a quiet type of guy, he prefered reading, listening to classical music, & photography.  So actually he was often like a vapor.  He never paid any attention to my mother, which I now recognize was his power trip with her since she was so very difficult.  Whereas she screamed at the top of her lungs like a banshee when she'd get pissed off (which was all the time,) he was quite the opposite, very even tempered & calm.  Aloof actually. 

I found a way to get to him, tho' - to get his attention, & THAT was to be his photography subject.  So I grew up in front of his camera & my life is chronicled in wonderful slides (remember those?) from the day they brought me home from the adoption agency until I left at 21 & struck out on my own in NYC!   

More than that, tho' - I amused him & he found me rather adorable.  When I'd come into the room his eyes would soften & a sweet smile would start to spread across his face.  Not a lecherous smile, just a pleasant, loving glance up from his nightly newspaper.  He enjoyed me more often than naught. 

When I was little I would run to jump into his arms.  I could barely stand it when he could no longer lift me up around 4 yrs old.  He was a short man & I had become too heavy. 

One Valentine's Day Daddy died at the young age of 68.  I remember the last time I saw him that year.  He was dropping me off at an airport in California & he leaned across the front seat to hug me goodbye.  It became a long, lingering (for him, as he was Not demonstrative) hug where a cop banged on his car window for him to hurry along.  My father was mad & said something like "oh damn him,"...  I think he knew it may be the last time we'd see each other.  I kissed his cheek & jumped out of the car saying, " bye Daddy, thanks I love you,"  he said "I love you too," & smiled a sweet, yet wistful smile.. I slammed the door & merrily rolled my suitcase into the terminal looking forward to getting back to my world in NYC.  Little did I know I'd never see him alive again. 

I miss my little ole' Daddy, he was SO smart & very successful in business.  I talk to him a lot & thank him for all he & Mother did for me.  There are things I could say about him that were not so great.  But I prefer to speak about the goodness of his heart from the goodness of mine.  I loved my Daddy! 

broken contraption

First: I've lost 42lbs !!!

2nd; My damn computer isn't working right, keeps shutting off after I've written posts & then I loose the whole thing.  Plus I can NOT open my email on aol.  Now THAT's a new one.  shit.  I have to go to a hotel & use their computer on a layover. I'll try to get things fixed soon so I can write some of you.

Grave Marker

I was reading gaymo about how when walking in a cemetary she found grave markers of women that only had "wife of.." as if that is all they were.  http://www.gaymo.blogspot.com/ I went to the comments & liked Weese's (http://weese.blogspot.com/) idea.  To put "Wife of" on her gravestone & see what kind of reactions that would cause!  It made me laugh, so here's what I wrote:

"Let's all get "wife of-" on OUR tombstones (or markers as the have these days) & go for a little shock value to eternity! 

Yeah..."

"Here lies KMae

Loving wife of Doris Mae

Sister of Alan & all Lesbiana

Daughter of Ruth & Paul who both lived their lives in a closet

Step mother & Aunty of all Doris' children & grandchildren

Mistress of Roxie the Schnauzer, & Cats Boo Boo & Panther.

May She Rest in Heavenly Peace

as she lived in earthly republican homophobia!!"

Try it.

It's fun.

 

Hookey from Church

Oh my gosh, Doris is so upset with me.  Annoyed, Disappointed.  I WAS going to church with her today, it is the combined choirs 1st Sunday & I get to sit with her in the front choir loft row.  But last night they called & asked her to sing a solo for the after church program at 400p ("100 women in white") & I knew I didn't want to stay all day at church.  She said she'd drive me home, but that is too far to just have to drive right back, & gas is too much. 

Call me a heathen, but I can not STAND to spend all day in church.  Just can't do it anymore.  I'm sorry but I can pray & worship God, Goddess, Universe anywhere, I don't have to be in a building called "church."  I can get my praise on anywhere, esp nature.  However I can just as easily commune with Creator here in my bed.

If it was to be a whole day of Gospel Music & Praise, that would be different.  Now THAT would be invigorating!  But to have to sit for hours listening to preachers drone on about the Blood of Jesus has just become too much.  Of course, I'm truly grateful for what Jesus went thru to save my sorry soul!  And for God's Grace & Mercy I am forever in debt.  I just resent having to sit there all day on one of only two days off & listen to bible verse regurgitation & male interpretation, half of which I disagree.  WhatEVER.

So, I am going to pray a bit here, ask for forgiveness (yep, I do feel guilty about it all - staying home, not to mention my mean, evil, bitch streak that seems to pervade my total being no matter HOW nice I TRY to be,) & then I think I'll roll over & go back to sleep a bit!  Maybe I can regenerate some positivity, happiness & good health for my next flight out tomorrow with a bit more REST & relaxation. 

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.  Sheer peace.

 

boring me

Well, I flew that trip the next day & was able to make it thru, with a great #1 & good psgrs!  I did however drop my last trip of the month (on Memorial day) which was SO hard to loose all that overtime I would have accrued (104 hrs). 

But I made the decision to rest as I think Ive learned the lesson: I am just too old to work this hard now.  I just have to accept it.  I have to figure something else out.  I 've not been as sick as I was this month, what with "allergies"/a cold & food poisoning/a 24hr virus - what EVER all that was. I was too worn out. 

The Flight Attendants on this trip Also gave me a little bday party complete with cake (didn't eat it) & candles & presents.  They made me feel so appreciated.  A sky marshall onboard took pictures with his blackberry & I emailed them to some sister bloggers.  Unfortunately I don't know how to put them in my journal here.  daaaa.  I'm an idiot.

Well this is a boring entry, ho hum.  I've had 5 days off & I have to fly out tomorrow (thurs.)  Back to the ole grindstone,  I feel okay.  Don't know WHEN I'll ever not feel tired again. 

And I won't even go into what a fucking bitch I am when it comes to holiday barbecues.  Doris did everything, got everyone together here.  She is amazing.  I was miserable.  Some of them came sick.  It pissed me off.  I think everyone is stupid & I just wanted it to be us, alone.  I was SO glad when it was over & they all went home.  I don't like people all in my home.  How the HELL do mothers stand it???  They do this crap every day.  blaa.  I am NOT cut out for this, esp when I'm exhausted & recovering from feeling listless & ill.

But who am I kidding?  I would not like this if I were 100% well & happy.  Which would be easier if I wasn't worried about bills & making ends meet.  Shish.  My GOD, I am so boring.  Let me just shut the F. up!