Sunday, July 30, 2006


I was depressed yesterday.  If you read this blog at all, then you realize this happens to me now & then, here & there.  Mainly when Doris & I have a fight.  Since I haven't taken anti-anxiety/depression meds for over 26 yrs, I often begin to panic when the slide starts, the downward spiral into the unending abyss where you can't seem to pull yourself off the couch or out of bed unless you have to pee. 

The fear of paralysis down in the pit, and thinking I'll never be able to pull myself up again is overwhelming everytime.  But I've been thru this so often, & luckily I do seem to eventually propel myself back to the surface & gasp for a breath of sanity like pushing thru murky lake waters after hitting rock bottom. 

It's seems almost impossible to remember positive thinking, gratitude for all I've been given in this lifetime & the Love of Jesus when I'm feeling in over my head & down so low.  But Eureka!  Last night I got a grip & Today is another day!  Oddly enough life does go on, thank God, Goddess, Universe!


So looking back, Doris & her sister are going to a church conference later today in Parsippany.  I went last year, our choir was fabulous & it was very uplifting.  But Doris & Sis decided to be on the hospitality committee this time, which I just didn't want because it means going way earlier & staying Way later than even regularly.  Black church services are SO looooong, my damn scrawny butt gets so tired sitting there forever & listening to preachers scream on & on about the blood of Jesus & quite frankly I KNOW how they feel about homosexuality, so forget about it, this year I chose to FLY & work a 2 day trip.  Okay fine.

Well, Doris & Sis were talking about staying in the Hilton Hotel where it will be held for weeks.  Suddenly Sis started talking about her daughter & grand daughter coming.  Thus Doris would be shit out of luck.  So Doris throws out that I can use my Marriot points toget her a room nearby. I get annoyed at this since I won't be there.  She gets furious at me screaming that I am selfish & I Never help her.  (We are in the car when this comes up, I have just driven all over, picked up groceries, stopped at Baha Fresh & gotten us dinner, & have tried to pay for our stuff this past week, since she's run out of funds paying bills.  Not to mention "The Braclet" from last week.)  We just don't have much money.

Well I was shocked by all this behavior, & from the beginning knew this was crazy & simply couldn't believe D's reaction.  But she was infuriated.  (We get nuts when we're broke.)  I was feeling that She was the selfish one wanting me to spend points I was saving for us someday on her damn church bullshit.  Also that she is a spoiled brat.  Also that she is So Unappreciative.  Unbelievable.

Okay, so the next day (yesterday) I awoke, called the damn hotel for Doris trying to get her a reservation.  It took 2 hrs going thru different channels seeing that they wanted to charge $250/day.  Forget that.  She was grateful I was doing this for her (she has no clue how to deal with hotels) & I finally found a young, sweet gentleman behind the hotel desk (who really didn't know what he was doing) so he gave me a break of $115/day, I asked D which of HER credit cards she wanted to use, she gave me one, he gave me the confirmation number & that was that. 

She was thrilled & excited, now she could tell her sister that she had a room for them, she would drive her, she was in charge...  She has done a great thing, they will be superstars in their church & all is at peace with the world.

I on the other hand suddenly went spiraling downward.  Until then I had held it together, but after everything was fixed, made okay done - I got depressed. 

But today I'm better.  Actually I started to get better last night. We were again happy, watching TV, eating delecious frozen grapes & cooling off.  Thank GOD. 

Doris is getting ready for her conference and I have to get ready to fly out.  Damn.  That was a bunch of unnecessary bullshit.

I just can't believe it takes so little to throw me into the dregs of depression.  Shit, mon..  What.A.DRAG.  Doris just screams, becomes hateful, gets it out & then goes back to being her merry little sweet self.  Me?  I can see the ridiculousness, but can not seem to get over the immediate disrespect & ungratefulness that is spewed forth.  (If it is ME screaming, acting like an ASS then I get even More depressed when I come back to sanity from crazing over the top.)

I blew a whole day off just laying there unable to move or feel joy.  Of course, it was sweltering hot & we were trying to conserve energy by keeping the air conditioner off.  (our last electric bill was $200.)  That may have really added to the problem, shit the heat was unbearable. 

But then we turned the AC on finally, Doris bbq'd chicken & corn on the cob, & that was great.  Later, the middle grandchild came by for the 1st time on his own, driving his new car, all grown up!  Wow!  Time sure does fly while I'm laying around stagnant in time & space.  That got me over it & turned me around.  By midnight we were laying in our king size bed, enjoying each other while I fed her frozen grapes.  Ahhhh.  Love at last.  Back to normal.



nursepam2001 said...

Money makes most people crazy.  I'm glad you worked through the conflict.  Depression can actually be a good thing if it last only for a limited time.  Sometimes we just need to go inside ourselves to reevaluate and work things out.  *hugs*

sassyfemmect said...

Glad all is now okay for you two.  

jabz1965 said...

I totally understand. Cindy and I haven't really had a fight yet in a year and a half...but there have been times recently that I get pissy...especially with this damn shed, when I was supposed to go work out and she asked me to come home instead and shovel gravel. Oh did I shovel gravel and I did it hard, because I was pissed having to give up my plans.

I can understand your issue with D...I believe I would react the same and it does seem wrong for her to ask you. How often do we give in for the ones we love...sometimes I tend to hold onto things, let them bother me more than I should. Then I see Cindy, who's so happy go lucky 98% of the time and then I think why am I being so stupid? LOL

Depression is an awful thing and you just have to ride it out knowing a light is coming to the end of your tunnel. You know yourself better than anyone! You did good!

Glad it's better now....makes life a bit easier..
ps How in the HELL did you manage without the AIR? It's supposed to be 100 here today!

Hope your day is wonderful again!

dghtronly said...

Money or lack thereof can be an incredible stressor on relationships. Glad you were able to get back on even ground and things are better for you guys.

syd888 said...

Wish I knew your trick for pulling yourself out of it so quickly.  That's quite impressive, actually.

You fascinate me.