Answering ?'s from Bi Friends

My Cyber bi-friend still had more ?'s for me.  She feels discriminated against.  I tried to explain further why lesbians don't want to hang with bi' women...

Oh you don't piss me off, it's okay.  The answer, tho is simple:  Look what

 

happened to Ellen...  Ann left her for a man.  She likes both.  

 

  The pain was enormous & definately NOT worth it.  I did like both in the

 

 beginning.  Loved both, actually.  I do think it's natural to be just sexual. -not

 

 hetro or homo.  But we all LEAN more in one direction than another.  That is

 

 what I feel makes the difference.  I loved men.  But I HAD to be with women. 

 

 And it wasn't easy.  The pain was just as bad in the beginning.  (Mainly

 

because I went with someone just like my mother... but Worse. )  Yet I STILL

 

 wanted to stay with her, I wanted to be a good lesbian.  Thank God, Goddess,

 

 Universe that I got out of THAT relationship.  What a bitch. I would have

 

probably stayed until she killed me.   And she hated that I had loved men.

 

 

     As for women hating men, that's simple.  They are just assholes.  Yes, there

 

are some that are good, & there are some women that are assholes too,  but

 

 quite frankly let's face it.  They are Loosers!!!!   Look at all the advantages

 

men, (esp WHITE men in America) are born into, the male privilege they grow

 

up with, the entitlement they Always feel...  And yet look how badly they have

 

fucked EVERYTHING up in the world, esp their women & children.  They are

 

to see thru, & they are easy to disdain.  Lesbian's can't stand them because

 

 they get all the advantages in this world that we don't.

 

 

  Fucking them for me was great!  I like sex.  But, Their emotional development

 

sucks. There are some I do like/love.  My brother.  A guy named Leonard. 

 

 Some gay men.   My father.  And Charlie, my ex, turned wonderful before he

 

died thru recovery & 12 step programs....  are some that come to mind. 

 

 

       So I don't totally hate them all.  They're here, we have to live with them. 

 

 But if the world were all women, I would not miss them.  Since it is not, I have

 

to learn to become tolerant of the motherfuckers.  But the majority disgust me. 

 

 And believe me, I've seen & known thousands in my 37 yrs of flying.  Patooie! 

 

 You can have them all!

 

     I really don't know what else to say to try to explain it.  If you feel you are

 

discriminated against in the same way as being a black person, perhaps you are

 

 right...  I relate in being discriminated against for being homosexual, being a

 

woman & being old now.  Ageism is for real.  And that will only get worse. 

 

 

      I become enraged when Doris is discriminated against because of her color. 

 

 In my opinion, she is one of the MOST beautiful persons ever!  Ignorance runs

 

rampant, probably always will.  So maybe all of this is just pure ignorance, as

 

each of our personal preference abounds.  I don't know.  *We can't change what

 

 we don't care to change.*  As for myself, I have too much to still work on

 

 personally before I come around to tolerance for bisexual behavior.  We all

 

need to be happy.  If living bisexual makes you happy, so be it!  I have known

 

you as a human being, not a sexual human being.  It is not really part of our

 

relationship.  I am not sexual with you, nor you with me.  To you, I assume that

 

is who you feel you are meant to be.  To me, it would be like sleeping with the

 

enemy.  I do not wish to do this.  If you do, then so be it.  We are on different

 

paths anyway, altho' we Do have some things in common. 

 

 

     I just wish you the best in all you want & do.  I wish for neither one of us to

 

be hurt.  And I enjoy our discussions, whether we agree or not. 

 

 

Bisexuality

     I have a cyber friend who is bisexual.  She gets frustrated because there is

 no respect from the gay community.  I think it is because of all the hell we go

 thru to come out.  So that once we seriously commit to Women, we don't need

 to go thru the pain of loving one who wants a man.  That would be

 irresponsible.  I began to write of my own experience.  Usually I send my

epistles into "The Lesbian Lifestyle," but I doubt they would be interested in

this one.

 

      I remember when I was bisexual.  Still living with Charlie...  or maybe we

 were broken up then for a while.  REALLY wanting women, but still addicted to

 his fucking dick.  REAL women's women wouldn't have me because men were

always around me.

 

     I had always wanted women since I was little...  Remember a big crush I had

 

on an older girl when I was 8.  It was at the YMCA, she was always playing the

 

guitar & singing like Elvis...   Dug the butches even then. 

 

 

      But, I always wanted boys, too ...  I wanted love from everybody...  And they

 

 were always there.  And because of childhood incest/abuse I had turned into a

 

 sexual being for anyone...  altho I never acted on it beyond flirting

 

 shamelessly...  Until the end of my 21st yr...  almost 22.  And once I started I

 

couldn't stop.  It was a way of self-medicating again and again, and yet again.

 

Until I drew the smoke from a boyfriend's joint... & found sex enhanced even

 

 more, oh my GOD, yet another addiction...  It was all too good.  It was all so

 

 bad, so sneaky, so ruininess.  I was ruining my life.  Though I didn't know it

 

then.

 

 

     Nothing mattered other than getting my fixes, whether it was men or pot.  I

 

 quit my wonderful dancing...  (the reason I was born to breathe...)  JazzBallet

 

 classes with Luigi on Broadway...  the reason I became a Stewardess - to get to

 

 NYC to study with Luigi on Broadway - to dance in all the choruses on the

 

 Great White Way..  My dream up in smoke.. 

 

 

     HAD to keep working, had to fly to pay the bills, had tosupport my habits,

 

 HAD to fuck and get high.  My life, my youth  divebombing down...  down to

 

Charlie, into his lair... into his world, the final 6 yrs of my 20's thinking I was

 

 ecstatically happy, totally in love..  Lost in the bliss of sex, drugs & disco and

 

well, domestic life- such as it was, better than anything else I had ever had...

 

 

     But I still wanted women.  And I knew I would have to have one.  And when I

 

 finally did, I knew I was on the right path to becoming me.  Of course these

 

 luscious beauties were all bisexual... couldn't interest a lesbian with men all

 

 around me.  And bi-women all needed men...  they would eventually want to

 

 bring you home to their men.  I was not interested, I had my own man.  I sure

 

 didn't want to share my women.  I had never wanted to share my men.  But you

 

alway share your man, you just don't know it.  They lie about it.  They don't tell

 

you about their other women.  We all just live in denial that we're their one &

 

 only.

 

 

     So it took one last 1 1/2 year relationship with a wonderful, sweet, gorgeous

 

& sexy man to finally admit...  I am not straight.  God knows I tried.  Being Gay

 

 wasn't a choice.  My choice was to be heterosexual.  You can fuck every man

 

in sight, even marry them...  but it won't make you straight if you're not.  You

 

 just choose to live a lie.  Maybe not so consciously, but that is how it is...  if you

 

 buy society's brainwashing... and live in fear..  of being the real you.  At least

 

that is how it was for me.

 

 

     And so it goes...  I am a Bonafide Dyke!  Non of this wishy-washy bisexual

 

bullshit for me.  It is a relief not to "need" a man in order to make it thru life.

 

My "Coming Out Chronicals, parts 1 thru 5 " are in my 2005 July- August

 

archives here as

 

well as "The Lesbian lifestyle!" 2005 archives, So I won't repeat myself again. 

 

 

     Suffice it to say, relationships are hard enough, often a true struggle.  But

 

 they are next to impossible when you try to be someone you're not.  I wish

 

 everyone happiness on their path thru life.  I am grateful I found my happiness

 

 with Doris.  In a few short months we'll have 25 yrs together, for better or

 

worse!  Thank you God.  You  have truly blessed me!  It's been a long, hard

 

journey.  I look forward to the rest of this adventure.

 

    

Flying 6 Days In a Row

4 down 2 to go.  Getting a little weary, here.  Luckily I've been flying with great, hard-working FA's.  2 nights ago we had to check 35 (THIRTYfuckingFIVE) strollers...  Folks & their broods flying to Passover Holiday.  Today & tomorrow it will be Easter travelers.  Full to the brim!  Same song second verse!  Nobody wants to stay in their seats.  It's noisy.  Makes for a  l-o-n-g  trip.  Did I mention kids on Spring break?  Actually the college kids have been GOOD.  It's the PARENT's that can't control their little ones, don't know which are the bigger challenge!  I do love this job, it's not like this happens everyday.  Regular travelers stagger off, eyes wide, shaking their head in a stupor on these holidays.  I always go thru looking at each psgr as a soul from God, a part of us all, 'we are are one' when they are finally seated after boarding!  Yeah, that's how I start out.  By the end of the trip....  I am doing the deep breathing, doing my best to stay calm!!!  I thank them when they are deplaning, & I am gratified when some thank us back.  If I didn't have such wonderful people to work with, it would be hell.  Luckily, most of us have the knack. 

I can't believe the news EVERYWHERE keeps playing the 9/11 tapes over & over.  Again & again.  For weeks.  It's horrible.  It's driving me crazy.  Oh my GOSH it's SO DEPRESSING!!!!  The Post traumatic stress just kicks back in.  It's insane.  Why are they allowed to do that, just because it is happening in a courtroom?  I can't take it much more.  Somebody please make it stop!

Frickin' Taxes

DAMN!  I just found out I owe  $825.00  in fucking Taxes.

SHIT  FUCK  PISS. 

C R A P O L A!

Lordie, I am so bummed.  I only had $1,000 left in my savings account.  Gone.  Sent it off today.  I AM BEREFT . 

Damn my accountant.  Have used him for years.  Think I might get another one.  PERHAPS I'll try to keep better records.  (I have no records being the lazy ass that I am.)  I'm an idiot. 

This is all my fault for being a record slug.  And for selling 2 houses last year (which broke me out in fucking-ass shingles with all the flight time I was working at the same time those 3 months) .  That's what did it, had to pay taxes AND social security on that (as IF it will even be there IF I will EVER be able to AFFORD to fucking RETIRE before I die (anytime soon!)  SHIT!!!!!!!!!!! 

Well, I cried.  I'm such a big, tough dyke.  boo hooed, snarffed & hiccuped.  Then I wrote out a (rubber) check & mailed the mother fucker.  Asswipe, mother fucking, cock sucking Internal Revenue fucktards.  They're lucky I don't have enough money to buy a GUN, let alone lunch.  I am so pissed.

And there is NO WAY I can work any harder than I already am.  I just flew 4 days, had TODAY off, and will be flying the next 6 motherfucking days (daze) in a row.  I am desparately trying to stay healthy & germ free thru all this jetlagged stupor. 

I told Charlie (my soon to be ex tax person) that it doesn't pay to try to sell real estate.   He said, no, you have to sell more.  Which is next to impossible, part time.  Besides, I hate most other real estate agents. (fucking back-stabbing bitchfreaks.) 

Well, I'm definately screwed.  I have $125 in my checking account till my next paycheck on the 15th which will be $600, whichI will have to pay the damn mortgage with by the 16th, which isaround $1300.  Gaaaaaaaaaa!  SHIT. 

I don't know.  There is not much left for me at the credit union.  I just can't believe these damned 9/11 pay cuts we've had to take while the fucking top managment walk away with HUGE parachute payments, not to mention their regular salarys.  God, I'm SO fucking infuriated.   

Well, I have to make a definate attitude adjustment.  I need to make a gratitude list;

I can walk & talk.  I can see & hear.

I Do have a job, & can continue to try to work overtime.

I have had my beautiful, exquisite Doris for 24yrs & 8 mo!

She is well & still looking fabulous at 70 yrs!

I have good health at 58 yrs & have recently lost 34 lbs!  

We have a house to live in.

We have a cute schnauzer & 2 sweet cats.

We still love each other!

We love Jesus & God.

Usually we are happy & laugh a lot.

I get to hear Doris' sing with her fabulous gospel voice all the time at home or in the car! She can really wail out those 40's & 50's doo wop & 60's/70's Motown hits.  The woman can SANG!!

I have a car to get to work with.

I have 26 yrs & 6 mo clean & dry.

I have 37 yrs & 6 mo with my airline co. (such as it is...)

I really enjoy most people I work with there.

Many psgrs are nice, some are wonderful.

I dig hotels & having my own room for the night.

My old, raggedy laptopstill works mostof the time.

I love to laugh.

Okay.  I guess I'll survive.  I really have to cut down on spending & practice keeping better records.  I've done it before, I can do it again.      Damn it.

 

 

 

Dog Attack

I picked up an extra posistion, 2 day lax trip for overtime.  This will bring my hours for Mar up to 99.45.  phew!  And I'll be bringing 6 hrs into Apr.  I'm exhausted, but I need the OT. 

Big announcement!  I've now lost 34 lbs!!!  Geese, that last lb took almost a whole month to drop.  shit.  This ain't for sissies.  Weight Watcher meetings really help.

Doris just came running in, screaming my name.  She was walking Roxie & a dog ran up, grabbed Roxie by the neck & started shaking her.  Let me just say, I hate Pit Bulls.  I know they can be raised dociley, but they can become treacherously dangerous.  Same with Rott Wilders.  There was a similar incident with another dog attack with a Rotty 2 yrs ago.  All puppies are precious, but certain animals can become so ferocious in a split second. 

Roxie seems to be okay.  Thank God, Doris was not hurt & able to help protect her.  The owner intervened.  Stupid bitch.  Get's a pit bull mix from the pound for her dumbass 7yr old grandson.  What a fucking moronic idiot.  Some families are all so stupid it hurts.  That dog tried to kill my poor little Roxie. Maybe it will eat up Adam, their pestering grandkid. I'm pissed.

Flight Attendants are Nice!

I love Flight Attendants, I really do.  This was a great month, all 4 of us were wonderful!  Seriously.  My #1 was SO efficient, fast, good, always thought of EVERYthing I might need in advance & had it there for me so I could throw it all out with perfect precision.  AND she is beautiful, very cool & sweet.  Barbara.  We flew 2 months in a row!  I was amazed she told folks she was really enjoying working with me.  It was just wonderful.  Hope we can do it again in May.  Next month I'll be doing the #5 extra posistion, floating around from trip to trip without a real crew.  She'll be back on the Super80 DFW turn-arounds.  I think she will miss me.  I KNOW she will miss the 757.  What a pleasant, professional she is, I'd have to say the best #1 yet. 

     That's the thing about Flight Attendants...  We are all so different from each other, but so nice.  And we know how to WORK.  Esp the older ones (ahem!...)  (I won't  go into the lazyass youth of today here, but suffice it to say I am much happier with senior FA's).  It's been a great month.  With the exception of being exhausted from doing so much overtime, I'm almost sorry it's over. 

Reading new blogs

Not that I have a lot of spare time lately, but I've been reading new blogs I find here & there.  Some are great!!  Others of course, suck boredom out of dust bunnies.  It's amazing how this journaling phenonemon is so enticing & addicting.

Of course, if someone just dropped in here to visit, they would think I'm totally focused on loosing tonage, (which I suppose I am, since it seems to be working) but there's other stuff at KMae, too.  Like loving women mainly... & trudging around the skies 40,000 ft up, bitching about life here & there, & oh well I'll say it - growing old (der.)

Gotta fly back out to LA this afternoon, so time for the warpaint.  I picked this trip up for overtime, so am looking fwd to working with Nancy & Michelle.  Just had Brittany Murphy on board last night, she looks like Nancy...albeit 20 yrs younger.  She was sweet, vivacious, cute & easy to talk with & traveling with her mother. 

My new nude bra

Well first of all, I went back & corrected my last entry - for some reason I'd written  my old bras were 42AA, when in fact they were 42DD for goodness sakes.  I had some fat girls, for sure.  Too enormous for me!                         

So I just went to Nordstroms & had a new bra fitting.  Can not believe I'm now a 38G....  huh??  What the hell is a G ???  It comes after DDD.  Heavens to Murgatroid! 

Not to mention, bras that size (DDD, G...) are all at least $50 plus.  Shit.  If any of you larger women out there know where to find cheaper over the shoulder boulder holders, please let me know.  Good grief.  Hopefully when I loose 20 more lbs, I'll fit into a regular size.

So when I went to weigh in at Weight Watchers this week, I had not lost squat.  crap.  At least I didn't gain.  Guess I'd better start exercising more than just Curves. 

So, Doris & I just bought new bicycles last night.  (Oh great, just what we need to add to our other 4!)  Well these happen to have big banana handles with gears (so you don't have to bend over to wreck your back) & big, fat bicycle seats for our very ample buttocks.  (BUooo tocks!) 

Okay so we'll look rather dorkey with our navy blue (mine, girl's... her's boy's) bikes peddeling around the hood, but it was either that or those adult-style tricicyles.  Guess that will be next on the horizon.  The new bikes are Schwinns & were only $99 on sale at Targets!

Well, the time has come to get ready to fly out again.  This week I'll be flying 6 (S I fucking X) days in a row.  That will be 3, back to back, 2-day lax trips.  God help me, I pray I don't get sick!  I really am broke after all this, & I gotta make some overtime. 

Peace out! 

A weight loss tally

Good grief, these 2 days off between trips this month are zooming bye so fast.  It was good to get back home & have Doris all to myself.  I finally got Roxie groomed so she looks like a Schnauzer again, instead of Benjie.  The groomer said she bites when she does her nails, I was mortified, never knew that.  Really embarrassing. 

I also took my uniform in to the tailor since it's pretty much hanging off me, I've lost so much weight.  33 1/2 lbs. (Just love saying that!)  My Flight Attendant friends have been strongly suggesting I do so, so I finally bit the bullet.  I get it back on fri, & I'm worried that I'll bust out my trousers when I sit down now.

Truth be told, I LIKE wearing baggy clothes.  Like ALL the time.  I really don't want to give them up.  But just about everything I have is big on me.  What a difference.  It's a miracle, actually.

And I won't go into my bra's.  42DD underwires.  Sheesh.  I'm swimming in them now.  Never did think fat breasts were attractive, but they are for SURE not now.  Swinging, pendulous beanbags come to mind.  Oh well, at 58 it's no big deal. 

Better than having a giant ass the size of Texas, altho' my butt is now starting to look pancake flat.... a white girl fatality all too often. 

Unfortunately I still have a big gutt...  that may Never go, altho I'm doing situps by the hundreds.  Gee whiz.  I must say though, it is great NOT to be SO big now, & really more comfortable.  I was ashamed. 

I still have quite a ways to go, probably about 20 or so more lbs.  And it is getting harder it seems. 

I wonder if I'll be able to maintain all this loss once I finally attain it.   I see some folks at Weight Watchers that do!  You have to be really determined, THAT's for sure.  And I have been determined.

But unlike others, I can't take an extra bite here, or a cookie or taste of ice cream there.  I'm such a food addict (hell, I'm an everything addict) it would send me on a binge.  Don't need or want that!  I'm still always hungry.  Hopefully someday I'll get that under control along with portion control.  What a fucking pain in the ass this all is.  

I DESPERATELY MISS GORGING!!!  I never feel full.  I have to retrain my mind.  What a fucking impossible chore!

Is there Anything more boring than an old fart blithering on & on about her diet???  I think not.  So I'll stop.  I hear all your sighs of relief!!!  Oh well, throw this one on yet another boring blog pile.  Sooner or later I'm bound to get inspired to write something of interest.  Until then, ta ta.       BLOBaLULA signing off.

Lonely out of town

God, I have NO good sense of humor tonight.  Long flight to lax, psgrs were nice enough, just all the turbulence & major head winds that made this flight almost 6 hrs long. 

Had to leave Doris on a beautiful, warm weekend (it's saturday.)  The boys were over for a visit, maybe it's just as well I had to leave.  Grandkids.  big ones.  Brought all their laundry for Doris to do.  Annoyed me, but then she does MY laundry so what could I say?  They called at 0900 which woke me up, damn it.  Grandma, don't forget to come get us.  Then they were sleeping when I did finally, begrudgingly leave around 230p.  When I called from the airport, D said they were still asleep.  Nice THEY are getting some frickin' rest.  In the middle of the day.  Can't they do that at THEIR own home?  humph..

God, what is wrong with me???  I want a relationship with just you & me, NOBODY else.  Not grandkids, not kids, not sisters, not brothers, not parents, not dumb butt friends, not other tubettes at Curves, no one.  I need an island, just you & me, a big kingsize bed, oh uh, and a big TV! 

And maybe some grilled vegetables & popcorn. 

And a computer. 

The world is just too homophobic.

Oh, I'm SO dissappointed.  Crash won best picture tonight instead of Brokeback Mountain.  Yeah okay, Crash was really great, all about everybody's predjudices (except for gay issues) & I really DID like the film.  But I was SO hoping Brokeback would win since it was about homosexuality & how you waste your whole life just living in the closet.  I felt bad, I just so wish society would accept us all.  Fuck it.  I guess I should have been grateful the movie made it THIS far.  Doris was glad Crash won.  Pissed me off.  I felt it just shows how she is so much more into identifying with Black predjudice than gay homophobia.  She is so much more in the closet than I, & she is happy that way.  There's no way I can change that now that she's 70 yrs old.  Whatthefuckever. 

Other than that, it was a great night sitting in bed, eating popcorn, drinking Perrier & watching the Emmy's!  Doris had cooked a great dinner earlier, chicken drumsticks potatoes & brocolli.  Big biscuits, too!  damn, I couldn't resist.  I gave myself permission since I lost 2 more lbs last week at weight watchers!  I've now dropped 33 lbs !!!  I hope I can keep it off. 

Oh, boo. Gotta go back out.

     Well, there was supposed to be a HUGE snowfall again yesterday.  I had gone to the store & stocked up on food & we anticipated an easy, lazy day watching the flakes float down.  It was a day off for me, I was relieved not to stress over driving to work & just relaxed into the weather reports.

     Ahhh, uhm...  well,.... there was a lot of sleet.  Not much snow, not even an inch - yea!  Didn't have to shovel, hooray!  All that hoopla for naught.  But I'm not complaining here.

     So now I'm getting ready to hit the road again.  Gig city.  Up, up & away to the friendly skies.  Can't wait to come back home on sat. night.  Looking fwd to watching The Academy Awards on Sun with Doris.  We've seen most of the movies, I'm into it this year, there were so many good ones.  Wonder if I'll see any of the stars, etc going out to LA on my flight this evening.  It's friday, so most of them are probably there already.  But you never know. 

Ms Annie Barnes

You never know when a kernal of kindness will change somebody's life. 

Yesterday we sang at the funeral of the past president of our church choir.  She was very kind & quiet.  Well, at least as far as I could tell.  You never really know what a person is like at home behind closed doors!  (I won't go into My mother here, but believe me she was very different from what others thought.) 

Anyway, Ms Annie Barnes seemed very humble & devout to me.  And in particular, she was so very loving with her grand daughters, you could tell by the way they always ran to her to get warm hugs or sit in her lap.  They seemed to adore her, and she truly adored them. 

Also she was very close to her sister Mildred, whom I also loved.  Mildred has kind & loving eyes always with a twinkle, & a sweet smile.  They were lucky to have each other.

I had for decades gone to the choir practices of my life partner Doris, who is a fabulous gospel singer!  One day Ms Annie invited me to join the Senior Choir.  It was so long ago I don't even remember what year it was.  I couldn't believe it, being tone deaf (basically) & a white woman (not really all that too basically,) it was a real honor.  

It was a thrill, at least for me. I'm not really sure what the rest of the church thought, but they are all very good to me.  For about a decade now I've gotten to sit/stand next to my Doris & sing my lungs out, which is a real high with such a wonderful choir.  Luckily they all drown me out!

Ms Annie sweetly, kindly asked me to join their choir.  She did it from the bottom of her heart.  She changed my life.  I'll always remember her.  God bless Annie Loyce Barnes.

Time To Leave Again

Well gee whilikers,

     Three days off went like a snap of the fingers.  crap.  Time to go again.  Don't wanna.

     Came into ewr sat night on a crash landing, well not really but it felt that way on wind sheers.  Overhead bins opened, a panel fell off the ceiling lighting, stuff went flying as we BANGED onto the tarmac.  I was sitting on the 767 back wall jump seat & turbulence is always the worst in the back!  It was scary, but we all walked away unharmed. 

     I think that landing shook my brains up, tho'.  I've just sort of gone thru these days off in a fog, forgetting things.  geesh.  But Doris stuck with me, was by my side each day.  Went to Curves & watched a lot of great TV.  Thank God she loves television as much as I do, it's so relaxing.  There isn't much I'd rather be doing than cuddling side by side in our big kingsize bed, watching fun programs on a big screen TV.  It may sound boring to everybody else, but it's wonderful to me.

That was a Nice Mini-vacation

Oh my gosh, what a wonderful 6 day time off I had!  That snow was insane.  Valentine's Day was very quiet, really nice.  Slept all day, stayed in bed & watched soaps together, &  worked on my Arbonne Website.  I don't know what I'm doin', I can't seem to make the website work.  whatever.  I'll have to get some help.

Doris got up early, went out & got me pink roses & cards!  I had already set up red roses, cards & a heart pillow that says 'LOVER GIRL' & a little toy poodle that plays 'Let me call you sweetheart' when you push her tummy.  One of the cards I got her talks about "scrumptious buns" & blows a wolf whislte when you  open it up.  It was so cute!

Went to a quick Weight Watcher's meeting & have FINALLY lost 30 lbs !!!  GLORY HALLELUIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   

 

Doris cooked a delicious chicken dinner when I got home & we then watched some good TV. 

What a nice, relaxing day.

Now I'm in LAX, took 6 f#*kin' hours to get here.  My back even hurts.  Poor kid I'm flying with is totally tormented over breaking up with a dumbass pilot she fell madly in love with (5 months ago!-ha!).  Jeese, she is in SO MUCH PAIN & can't quit crying.  Poor baby.  She found porn on his computer & that was it for her.  young girl porn.  not so good, esp since she looks 14, herself.  She wants to quit flying over this putz & the rest of us are telling her NOT to quit over some damn man, she'll get over him some day.  Of course she can't imagine ever getting over him.  Poor, poor little sweet dumbbutt.  I feel for her, it was only 30 years ago I was fucked up over Charlie like that.  Phew!  Wouldn't want to trade places & go back & re-live my 20's for anything.

Thank you God, Goddess, Universe for getting me out of THAT insanity.

I am grateful for my life today.

 

Shoveling Snow Sucks

Wow, I'm aching & wracked with pain today.  Shoveling 2 feet of snow from the driveway was just CRAZY!  I mean, there was no place to shovel the shit.  It was like trying to throw snow over a 4 ft wall after a while.  I was so worn out.  What a job!  Yes, the snow is beautiful in the beginning, but SHOVELING is no joke.  I am sore, my arms are weighing 200lbs each today.  I was out there hating NJ yesterday!  Give me the blue skys & fleecy clouds, flowers & green grass of California ANY day.  Such a drag I couldn't get Doris to move there.

There's a blizzard Out There

OH MY GOSH!

It is snowing SO MUCH.  Luckily my flight cancelled, thank GOD.

I could barely shovel a 3 feet patch for Roxie to go out & pee in this morning.  Ye Gads, the snow is 2 ft high!

I'm going back to sleep!

A Nice Surprise

While I was in Los Angeles, I pulled up my email on a hotel computer.  To my pleasant surprise I recieved a letter from a young friend of mine.  It was so sweet. 

I used to sit in church with this child & her foster sisters when they were all literally babies.  Each one so beautiful & precious, they would take turns sitting on my lap, lay all over me & sleep thru the sermons.  They were so funny & cute, each trying on my reading glasses, all of my rings, drawing pictures, & writing notes when they got a little older & started school.  When their kindly foster father died, they were left living with their mean, overwhelmed foster mother & much bedlam ensued that I won't go into.  It was not good. 

Now, over a decade later, this sweet girl has reached out & emailed that she is gay.  Im not sure how old she is at this point, maybe 14, 15 or 16...  She also added that she has always thought of me as a mother image as well as a friend.  What an honor!  And how amazing to actually know your sexual preferance so young.  Heck, I was over 30 & had been thru many men before I finally came out.  (As those of you who've read my "Coming Out Chronicals" in the archives already know!)

Anyway, life is always a new adventure, especially when you're a teenager.  You have already come thru so much in your young life, my friend & you will survive these adolescent years as well, in fact they will be over SO much sooner than you could ever imagine! 

And life goes on....

Why are things getting prickly?

Ah Gee,  just tried for 1 1/2 hrs to set up a website at Arbonne Skin Care.  But alas it didn't go thru.  I swear, I am so lame on the computer.  Well at least this wasn't a matter of life & death like say  getting my flying bids turned in on time every month.  Now THAT's important because it controls my life's schedule ea month.

I'm SO fUCKING upset.  I gained 4 fucking ounces this week, which in the scheme of things isn't terrible, but I ONLY had 3 more (THREE!) ounces to loose before making it to a 30 lb loss.  fuck.  NOW, I gotta loose 7 ounces to make it to 30lbs.  shit fuck piss.  I know this sounds ridiculous to someone NOT struggling to loose fat, but I SWEAR it is SO DAMN Hard.  Now the reality check was that my poor Weight Watcher leader just lost her husband after a short sickness.  Aaaaaa, okay... 4 oz's ... - not such a tradgedy.  damn.

So I get home from LA & this morning found out Doris pulled out a big box (with shelves in it) & therefore all the clothes I had folded & stacked on it was now in a huge heap on the floor.  She thinks I should set up the shelves & put the clothes on that.  Okay, fine.  BUT I have been TRYING so HARD to be neat & organized, & clean the house every 3 or so days since jan 1.  And now my neat stack of sweat pants & tee shirts is now a big pile. 

I was so mad.  Hurt that she would do that after I was doing so much better.  After I blew up & yelled at her, I then just blew it off.  Okay, she supposedly moved it to get under the TV to try to hook up cable.  But that was so rude.

THEN, I was going to meet Doris & Sis after I went to get weighed in at Weight Watchers tonight.  I called when the meeting was over to find out where they were & they had gone to a restaurant 30 min away & were already sitting at the table eating bread.  Hell, I thought they were just going around the corner from where I was when I told her I'd meet them.  I felt hurt.  I of COURSE was STARVING because I didn't eat before the weigh in, so I therefore was emotional.  I just drove to Bajha Fresh & got a Bare Burrito take out (11 points) came home & shoveled it in.  Then I felt better & got over it.

But I'm wondering about tomorrow.  She's acting not so sensitive around here.  What the HELL is going on.  Or am I just too touchy?  I keep trying to stay centered so as not to go off on her.  I guess it is all about that I am focused on only her, & she has many others to focus on.  Same story 11th verse.

Time To Fly Again

Gee wiz, I don't wanna go.  WaaAAAAaaa.  I guess it's a good thing I have a job, because I honestly would rather just sit around & fart!  I seriously have to fight my "inner slug" everyday. 

And it's SO hard to leave Doris esp. now that she's retired & doesn't work.  She deserves it after all these years of breaking her butt & raising 3 kids on her own, I've never worked THAT hard.  But still I am tired! 

It was much easier to shut the door & walk out when she was gone & at her office.  Now it's like trying to tear a piece of my heart away, stretching like a rubber band until it SNAPS!  ooowwwie.  Would it be as painful if I wasn't so co-dependant?  Hell, yes.

Well, I surely owe an appology to the poor nun I dissed in my last entry.  Seems I totally misread her take on morality & Brokeback Mountain,etc. when I visited her blog last night.  I'm sorry Stephanie, I totally just went off on you & those that responded.  I seriously thought you were so uptight & homophobic when it seems, you all are just the opposite.  I am glad I was Wrong, wrong, wrong.  Actually, I'm relieved!

Okay, time to get off my big ass & head to the damn airport.  CRAP.  I'd really rather stay & watch the memorials for Coretta Scott King all day!  What a Woman, what a Spirit, what a Powerful Example to us all.

Well....  Another day, another tray.  

So glad I'll be working with nice Flight Attendants.  Trudge on, y'all.

No Sleep & Transexuality

Well, don't ask me why but I couldn't sleep all night.  I HATE insomnia, & it happens way too often.  I'd say it's just another symptom of hot flashes & the 'pause', but I've had it on & off all my life. 

Yeah, slumber constipation... the absence of any kind of Rest...  drives ya insane!...  Thank GOD I didn't have to work today.  That is the worst, when I have to get up early in the predawn to shlep to the airport & actually be cordial with NO sleep. 

Well anyway, it's always one extreme or the other - I wanna sleep all day or I CAN'T sleep all night.  And now me without a snack.  Makes me CRAZY, I'll tell ya'.

Well, that was boring.  Okay I've become one of those.  Maybe I should have just started reading boring blogs to fall asleep.  I'll have to remember that for next time. 

BTW, Doris & I went to see "TransAmerica" last sat afternoon!  I think we were the only dykes in the room, altho' I saw a few gay 'brothers' in there.  No, it was a matinee' of white, presbyterian-like senior citizens...  Never-the-less, it was GREAT!  And really funny!  Wow, that Felecity Huffman really deserves 'Best Actress,'  she was AMAZing. 

And so was her penis.  Yup, I said it, that woman had a good sized schwantz.  Great scene when her son in the car doesn't know this lady is his father, she has to "go" so is squatting in her skirt to take a whiz behind the car, she hears an animal noise that scares her & jumps up, out pops her dick with pee streaming in all directions, so she just stands there & holds it till she's done...  the kid happens to notice this in the rear view mirror & does a double take, & the whole theatre is dying in laughter.

I thought it did well to promote better understanding of the trannie community to the ignorant & unknowing.  I just read a blog of some nun talking about morality in movies today, including Brokeback Mountain. Gawd she was such a prig.  Wonder what she would think about THIS one!  haha.  She had all these commenters saying "write on, Sister" & "I couldn't have said it better" & other lame-ass shit. 

You know, that's the great thing about living on either coast.  Those filler states just can't quite keep up, to say the least!  I remember growing up in Texas.  Yeah, things have changed some, but definately NOT enough! 

 Actually, NJ aint all that much better---  I really SHOULD have stayed in The City (Manhattan) after all those 27yrs of living there.  My GOD the NYC mindset is just SO FREEING. 

Ah, but alas...  The things you do for L O V E.  At least the things I'VE done... hmmmm..let's not go there... 

Well suffice it to say, buying a little house with Doris & moving to New Jersey 10 yrs ago is about the Least unhealthy thing I've done compared to my illustrious past.  AH GEESE, why is everything such a compromise???   Guess that one is for another entry, another day.

The Super Bowl's over, gee wiz

Well, another year over, all the advertising hype, the hopes/bets of wierd sports freaks across Americana, not to mention the way overpaid football players who have now won, or saddly lost (I Do feel sorry for the Seahawks, I thougth they played the best in the 1st quarter) is OVER.

It was a great game, I actually got into it, really watched it all till the bitter end.  I started out for the Pittsburgh Steelers, but they seemed so lame in the beginning (plus their uniforms were ugly) so I switched over to Seattle pretty early, I go for underdogs a lot.  Plus their dark blue uniforms were slick & their helmets were cool, too. 

It's always been such an American pastime, the ole' Superbowl, at least in my era.  I always hated it, as I did all sports- those yucky, stinky, sweaty men-boys just too much testosterone for me. Of course, one guy is too much testosterone for me most days. The older I get, the less patience I have for any of the idiot dorks....  or any idiot dork for that matter, no matter what the chromosome.

Which leads me to half time with Mick Jaggar & the Rolling Stones!  Okay, you know, that band is still GREAT!  As geriatric as those dudes are, they are STILL the best!  Well granted, the ole boy dances like a spaz, he's a like a pogo stick with a microphone.  I loved it, tho' no matter what anybody says about that performance, it was fun! 

I am aware however, that African Americans not only in Detroit, but thru out the country were pissed that no Motown artists were asked to do the Super Bowl Halftime, & they are RIGHT.  It IS absurd, stupid even.  Such a great wealth of the WORLDS GREATEST black recording stars & they ask The Stones.  Ridiculous.

Aretha was fABULOUS at the first singing beFORe the game started...  I would have REALLY LOVED to hear her sing MORE.  It really wasn't right. Life just isn't fair too often, but when you're a black person, it seems really rough.  I don't think things will ever be right in this country in my lifetime.  May be in the future in the next century. Hell, who am I kidding?  There is Still SO much work to do in that area. White Americans are just fucked.

The commercials, by the way were hilarious, as usual.  I liked the streaking lamb, & Fabio getting OLD.  Lord knows, it's happening to all of us, WAY too fast.

Leaving on A Jet Plane...

Im flying out again later today to LAX.  Don't wanna leave my warm, cuddly bed with Doris all snuggled up here.

Little did I know when singing Peter, Paul & Mary's "I'm Leaving On A Jet Plane..." over & over again in college it would someday become the 'bane' of my exsistence. haha!  I do still like the job, I just don't wanna leave home...

Once I'm on the plane, up in the air working, I'm fine. Not that it's hard, but I am good at it...  I do get exhausted after 37 yrs now, but it's a lot easier than selling Real Estate (which I also have done) because Flight Attendants are NICE & Real Estate agents suck.  (Well, except for a very few.)

Last night I was reading Rosie's Blog, I really dig Rosie O'Donnell.  Low & behold, she, & everyone writing in comments - no longer like The View or American Idol.  Okay, whatever.  Well, I still LOVE both. 

I LOVE The View, except for that little, snitty, no-brain Elisabeth they added last year.  And Star should admit she had gastric bypass instead of acting as if she lost all that weight with dieting, excercise & 'Love.' Joy's a riot, & Meridith is good. I miss Lisa Ling. 

I also still love Am. Idol, I mean REALLY, those no-singing, no talent dolts NEED to be told they're BAD.  Simon still cracks me up, Paula & Randy - fun.  Everyone knows Simon is MEAN so If you can't take it, then don't go on that show. 

I just love TV, that's all.  It is fun & relaxes me.  These brainiacs that don't watch TV are missing it!  Guess I'm just easily entertained. So maybe I'm a dolt, too!

Oh, PS:  at Weight Watcher's last night I have NOW LOST 29 LBS!!!  YEEAAAAAAAAA  ME !!!!!!!!!

Gotta go put on the war paint & forge onward. 

Tromp Tromp Tromp.....

Too many dying

First Wendy Wasserstein dies, young in her 50's.  She was a brilliant writer, focusing on women, great for feminist babyboomers!  She had cancer & left a very young daughter.  Hardly anything was written about her on AOL.  Now today there are obits in the papers, but it took long enough. 

Then Coretta Scott King passes.  Very sad, altho' maybe she was happy to go after having that stroke last year & struggling to get well from it.  What a Queen.  She truly helped keep the Dream alive, along with her children.  Where would we be without Martin Luther Jr, his Wife, & Rosa Parks, - so many of those BRAVE souls who stood for integration, equal rights & so much more? 

Well here's the thing...  I have just gone through the AOL thread lines to post about Mrs. King, which by the way was NOT easy to find.- What a shame that her death was no big deal on AOL. 

So here's the shocker, I mean I am SHOCKED.  I have never seen so much horrible dribble written about so fine a person, so great a legacy just dragged through vile, arrogant, abhorant racist shit.  If I ever thought things were better, improving every day in America, then I was clearly fantasizing.  The klan is truly alive, moving on & living everywhere around us, legal terrorists in our own country as surely as leathal as those across the sands & seas. 

I can NOT believe AOL allows such terrible things to be written like that, even tho' it is only "chat posts."  There was SO MUCH negative tripe, I seriously can NOT believe it. 

This is sooo TRUELY depressing, I had to just Stop reading.  How can there still be so much hate between races?  I just don't get it. 

This was my post:

     God bless Coretta, Martin Jr, & their children who have been carrying on The Dream!  God bless all the Strong, Brave Souls who have been fighting for equal rights.  For all of us. 

     I feel sad there are so many hateful posts here on AOL about this beautiful Queen.  I truly appreciate the strength & determination of all who continue to stand for equality & what is right. 
     Thank you Mrs.Coretta Scott King, Martin, Rosa Parks, all those blessed folks who have gone before us, & all those still carrying on to make our land a better place to live for us all.  Let there be Peace.

Home Again

Home again, Thank the Lord.  The trip was easy, I shouldn't complain.  Just wanted to be home. 

And here we are!  Another lazy Sunday in bed, reading the papers & watching the tube.  Wonderful!  My favorite.  Going down to take a hot bath now.  mmmm.  Life is good.

Time To Go Back To work

Well, these past 3 days off seemed like a vacation since I was so beat, tired, & broke.  I was going to pick up a trip for more money, but I really needed the rest.

D. & I went to see Walk The Line again yesterday & it was finally working at the theater.  It was good again, even the 2nd time for me.  I want to see Brokeback Mountain again, it was such a beautiful movie.  I don't need to see Capote again, once was quite enough for that even tho' it was so great.  I really don't know which I'd rather see win best actor, Im sure Phillip Seymour Hoffman will get it - but damn if Joaquin Phoenix wasn't fucking fabulous as Johnny Cash.

Gotta fly out to lax this evening.  I can handle it as long as it isn't that damn early sign in.  phew!  Still, I'd rather not ever have to work again.  Altho' I notice that Doris is beginning to forget a lot of stuff now that she is so relaxed & away from the office. 

Found out Doris had a long, 1 1/2 hr phone conversation when SHE called that damn Bernadette.  Bernie was our next door neighbor for 10yrs & she was A BITCH to me.  I mean, she was NOT nice.  It really bothers me that Doris not only called her, but was so nice to her talking for so long (she is old & now lives with her daughter.)  I mean, it's wierd.  Doris didn't care for her when she was next door complaining about everything.  But that's just Doris - she is kind to everyone no matter how bad they are.  I should just be able to not let this bother me, but I swear I am so pissed about it.  Also she was real nice to that stupid bitch who ate ice creme in front of us all (altho doris wasnt there that day) at Curves.  I mean, it's a free country, eat ice creme all you want & be a huge chunky blimp, but DONT do it where people are seriously TRYING to loose weight, exercise & get healthy.  FUCK.  Doris says I let too much bother me. Okay, obviously she is right, but these things REALLY REALLY PISS ME OFF. 

Another Addiction, good grief!

Heavens to murgatroid!  I have been having fun doing all these silly blog tests.  It's been rather calming.  Or is it more like catatonic?  I just kept doing one after another.  Oh well.  Can't be too harmful.

Today Doris & I went to Curves, then to see Walk the Line, which I Loved & wanted her to see the Johnny Cash role by Joaquin Phoenix.  But the flim was broken, so we slipped into Fun With Dick & Jane.  It was so silly & stupid.  Jim Carey often reminds me of my silly & stupid brother. 

I miss my brother.  I wish he (& his wife) didn't smoke like chimneys so I could visit him.  Cigarette smoking stinks & it is so stupid.  Seriously can't stand it.  Dont' wanna even see it.  So I just talk to him on the phone.  At least he doesn't chew tobacco & spit like that male flight attendant did the other day.  Now THAT was really gross. 

I love my brother, and I wish I could spend more time with him.  I doubt I'll ever become more tolerant of cigarette smoking.  I hope he doesn't die before I see him again.  Then I would be the stupid one becuase I couldn't stand being around those damn cancer sticks. 

Well anyway, the next bunch of entries are the results of many of the crazy quizes I took.  Some of right on.  Some definately are not!

What Is Your Life Path Number?

Your Life Path Number is 5 Your purpose in life is to life freely and collect experiences.

You love life - new adventures, new people, new ideas.
You are very curious, and you crave novelty in all forms.
You tend to make friends easily, and you enjoy the company of all types of people.

In love, you are fun and even a bit intoxicating. But you won't stick around for long.

You are impulsive and spontaneous - which sometimes leads you to do things you regret.
Sometimes you can be overindulgent with food, sex, or drugs.
You have many talents, so many that you are often scattered and unfocused.

 

 

Subject: Short Personality Test
Time: 11:30:42 AM EST
Author:  kmb524
Mood:  Happy
Music:  TV   The View  

Your Personality Profile You are dependable, popular, and observant.
Deep and thoughtful, you are prone to moodiness.
In fact, your emotions tend to influence everything you do.

You are unique, creative, and expressive.
You don't mind waving your freak flag every once and a while.
And lucky for you, most people find your weird ways charming!

The World's Shortest Personality Test

 

 

Subject: Your Blog Should Be Purple  
Time: 11:27:27 AM EST
Author:  kmb524
Mood:  Happy
Music:  TV   The View  

Your Blog Should Be Purple You're an expressive, offbeat blogger who tends to write about anything and everything.
You tend to set blogging trends, and you're the most likely to write your own meme or survey.
You are a bit distant though. Your blog is all about you - not what anyone else has to say. 

 

Subject: What Is Your Hidden Talent?
Time: 12:00:31 AM EST
Author:  kmb524
Mood:  Mischievous
Music:  TV  

Your Hidden Talent You have the power to persuade and influence others.
You're the type of person who can turn a whole room around.
The potential for great leadership is there, as long as you don't abuse it.
Always remember, you have a lot more power over people than you might think!

 

Subject: What Does Your face say?
Time: 11:52:36 PM EST
Author:  kmb524
Mood:  Happy
Music:  TV    David Letterman  

What Your Face Says At first glance, people see you as down to earth and reliable.

Overall, your true self is moody and dynamic.

With friends, you seem logical, detached, and a bit manipulative.

In love, you seem mysterious and interesting.

In stressful situations, you seem sad and helpless.

Written by kmb524 . Link to this entry | Blog about this entry | Notify AOL

 

 

Subject: What kind of Temperament Are You?
Time: 11:45:18 PM EST
Author:  kmb524
Mood:  Silly
Music:  TV   David Letterman  

You Have a Choleric Temperament You are a person of great enthusiasm - easily excited by many things.
Unsatisfied by the ordinary, you are reaching for an epic, extraordinary life.
You want the best. The best life. The best love. The best reputation.

You posses a sharp and keen intellect. Your mind is your primary weapon.
Strong willed, nothing can keep you down. Your energy can break down any wall.
You're an instantly passionate person - and this passion gives you an intoxicating power over others.

At your worst, you are a narcissist. Full of yourself and even proud of your faults.
Stubborn and opinionated, you know what you think is right. End of discussion.
A bit of a misanthrope, you often see others as weak, ignorant, and inferior.

Written by kmb524 . Link to this entry | Blog about this entry | Notify AOL

 

 

Subject: What Type Of Weather are You?
Time: 11:09:43 PM EST
Author:  kmb524
Mood:  Happy
Music:  TV   1100 News  

You Are Wind Strong and overpowering
A force to be reckoned with, no one dares cross you
You have the power to change everything around you

You are best known for: your wrath

Your dominant state: commanding

 

Subject: How You Live Your Life
Time: 10:55:05 PM EST
Author:  kmb524
Mood:  Silly
Music:  TV  Boston Legal  

How You Life Your Life You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside.
You tend to avoid confrontation and stay away from sticky situations.
You're open to new people and friends, which makes you a pretty popular person.
You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable.

Rest!

Goodness!  That early sign-in was a killer.  Finally got to the hotel in lax & fell into bed & PASSED OUT for a good 4 1/2 hr NAP!  Got food, watched some sun night telly & went back to sleep.  KMae was too pooped to pop! 

Will there ever be a day I'm not tired ever again?

Andy signed up for Arbonne!  Now if she'll just buy something!

THE PARTY

Warning:  This is very boring unless you really want to know about Doris' 70th Bday Party.

After getting in at 0300 from a messed up trip, I slept a few hours, got up early slipped out while she was still sleeping to get balloons & roses & set up the 4 cards I got her.  She loved it.  We went to the Scotchwood for Brunch after which a group of servers brought her a slice of cake with a candle in it & sang Happy Birthday!  That was so nice of them.

Got back into bed for awhile then put on makeup & left for "Weight Watchers" (the story I told Doris) & took my cameras & 2 big story boards with her pictures from babyhood till now to Freshwaters.  Then made the trek to Newark to pick up Nijohn, Davion, Lynette & Shechinah (who remarked to me that I should have surgery on my long nose to make it shorter.)  (she's 4.)  Of course they weren't ready so I had to wait at their new apt.  Drove back in rush hr traffic, bumper to bumper.  Frickin' pain. 

Called Sis on the way home, after dropping them off at Freshwaters, coordinating going to the party.  I told her I couldn't get balloons, so she said she would (ps she only got 3 for God's sake, although one had a big 70 on it which was really cool.)  (Doris thought we were havin a birthday dinner with Sis & Barbara.)  Told Doris the traffic was hideous when I finally rolled in.  Sis called & told me to wait 10 minutes as not everyone was there yet.

When we arrived, Sharon Freshwater led us up the stairs to "show us a new painting she bought" & I could see everybody's legs & feet under the tables at the top of the stairs in the darkened room.  When Doris got up to the landing everyone jumped up & shouted "S U R P R I S E ! ! ! !"   Her mouth just dropped & she was shocked.  Everyone was clapping & singing Happy Birthday, Doris was totally stunned.  There was a whole lot of Love in the room in everyone's eyes & smiles.  She was speechless & kept saying "I am so surprised," about 75 times.  It was really SO GREAT!! 

Yipee YEEEAAAAh, Yipee-i-o-kiii-A  ! ! !   I was thrilled, myself!  How wonderful it worked!

The party was just grand!  Everybody chowed down on plates piled high with baked chicken, babyback ribs, garlic shrimp, potato salad, collard greens, mac & cheese, string beans, & candied sweets with corn muffins, coke, ice tea & lemonade.  (I think I was the only one who ate everything on my plate with my Weight Watcher starvation..) Everyone else was so full before they finished. I should have ordered more ribs, they were so scrumptious. 

Dolly, Harriet & Helen came late when we were eating.  Then Derrick, Lulu & little Derrick came late, but at least they came.  Lois tried crashing the party with some young woman.  (amazing.)  By the time Tiffany arrived, all the food had been packed away so she ordered ala carte.  Doris was thrilled Tiff was there & she looked beautiful!  I was now running around snapping pictures. 

Then came dessert.  I had 2 ice cream cakes made, a big slab with a picture of Doris as a baby next to a picture of her now with Happy 70th Birthday Doris.  The other a medium round cake with a picture of Nijohn & Doris in a swim suit on it with Happy Birthday Nijohn for his 14th bday on the same day.  (Didn't want him to feel left out although this party was definately for Doris.)  And also, after everyone was sated on ice cream cake, out came the peach cobler!  That was a definate hit.

Doris was darting in & out among her guests busily chatting, laughing & entertaining with her great sense of humor!  She was SO HAPPY.  !  Mission accomplished !   Girlfriend was just thrilled!  It was all very satisfying after all the fretting, worrying, sweating, & aggravation...(Sharon the self-absorbed, rude bitch daughter.  She WAS NOT missed (Tiffany made sure she called her on her cell phone & hand it to Doris where she copped a 'I was afraid to loose my job & leave work early' number (like she doesn't do that all the time I'm so sure...) & neither was Herman & his bs missed.)

My baby wasa happy girl, albeit a 70yr old lady!  She looked radiant.  It was worth taking $1500 to do all this from the credit union. 

Today We had brunch with Sis.  Then we went to see "Capote."  It was good, what acting!  I think I'll get "In Cold Blood," & read it for the next 2 yrs.  That book is thick.

Came home & fell asleep.  Lord I'm exhausted.  Now I have to get up in 3 hours & fly out (sunday) tomorrow.    Hope I get some sleep now.  My feet still hurt from the last trip.  I'm so glad I didn't have to tromp around the Auto Show at the Meadowlands today, Doris will do that with Sis tomorrow.  phew!

 

Really Good Party

Doris was really surprised!  It worked!  She was ecstatic!  I did well.  I am happy, proud & truly relieved.  Phew!  So glad it's over.  SIGH>>>>!  Thank GOD she had a happy 70th birthday.  Excellent.  Kudos to Sis for her help.  yea!

I'll write more tomorrow.  I'm pOOped.

sharon

Im still In Miami at the hotel.

Just pulled up an email from Tiffany saying, & I quote, "mommy won't be there in case you already didn't know..  She then assured me she was coming & wrote love, Tiffany Ms Mary  Sunshine.

sweet.

So that is my way of finding out Sharon isn't coming.  How rude.  I am sad for Doris.  sigh.  damn.  I want to cry for her. 

Well, gotta go up & get ready to fly home.  YEA HOME! 

It's raining & cold here in Florida.  That is also rude.  shish.

MIA Layover

Im on a Miami layover in a beach hotel.  They have computers for crew folks to use on the mezanine.  Im  very tired, this was our day;

lax-ewr... sit in ewr 3 hrs then

ewr-mia.  Long fuckin' day. 

Could have been worse, I guess I shouldn't complain, especially since Im off the plane & in a hotel finally! 

Im starting to worry about the surprise party for Doris.  I hope everybody comes. 

Her daughter, Sharon has not returned ANY of my calls.  She has always been a rude little piece of work.  Very self-centered.  Perhaps it is because she is her mother's daughter.  Ooooh, did I say that?  She & Herman have the same father.  Perhaps they both inherited his asshole gene.  rrrggggghhhhhh.

Who the hell knows why people have no courteous behavior involving family.  Well, I know why I didn't, but these 2 have such a sweet mother who loves them so much - I just don't get it.  They seriously don't know how lucky they were & are to have a mother like Doris. 

At least Derrick knows, & I am definately counting on him to show up.  Derrick most always comes thru for Ms. Dottie.  He appreciates the struggle she went through to raise her 3 children alone.  I could have never done it, myself. 

And clearly neither could "Shay" who totally ignored her daughter growing up & "Asmar" who contributes nada to his two boys, doesn't even visit them when he does come to town.  But Oh, Well.....  Nevermind all that...

Friday will be a great party for my soon to be 70 year old baby!  I hope no one has tipped her off to tell her the surprise.  I also hope I make it in on time, because the weather today was fierce, which is why we got in so late.

I am really annoyed at Sharon.  Hell, at least she could have returned ONE of my many calls.  That's just not right.  How dissappointing.

I must stop this negativity.  I was doing quite well for a couple of weeks there. And I'm cleaning up around the house more.   I'm trying to be better.  When I'm tired, it gets harder. 

I walked out to the beach by myself when I first got here tonight.  The clouds are covering the fullish moon & it is dark & eerie out there for miles, yet beautifully mysterious.  When I get away from my own limited life & gaze into  a part of the world not well known to me, it is awsome to consider so many different lives elsewhere. 

Although I would rather be home, laying in bed next to my Doris, I am very grateful for the life I do have & to be here tonight.

Gotta Fly Out Early

Crap, I gotta get up in 3 hrs & fly out for THREE days.  Shit, don't know which is worse, getting up so early or being away for 3 days.  Getting up EARLY I'm thinkin'.

24 is back!  Love that show!  Was watching that on the big TV & Doris set up a small one on the bed so we could watch the Golden Globes at the same time.  Very cool!  Brokeback Mountain won best movie.  YEA!  So there, all you homophobes! 

Be back thur nite after midnight.  Yikes.  Sure hope I make it back, for you know who's surprise party on fri!!!

Happy Martin Luther King Day!

Today is Martin Luther King's B'day Holiday!  It is SO amazing that we finally have this nationally!  It was a long struggle to get this in every state.  Unfortunately I think it will be a longer struggle to ever abolish racisim. 

Growing up in Texas, everything was segregated.  I never liked that, & always felt the unfairness.  Last week I spoke with someone who does not want to move back to our old neighboorhood because she now has children.  She said that everyone there now sends their kids to that snooty private school, Hockaday.  It is because things have changed so much, schools are integrated & actually get help from the govt.for those who need free school meals.  She doesn't want her kids to have to grow up around that.

Very, very sad.  The more things change, the more they stay the ssme.  Fucking biggot rednecks.  So glad I escaped, even tho' predjudice abounds everywhere.

Another great Sunday!

Oh gosh, how did I get so lucky, 2 Sundays in a row!  Doris went off to church, even tho' there was a Nor-Easter last night & everything is coated with slick ICE.  Good time to just nest in bed!!!  I love this.  It is bitterly cold & windy outside.

ALL OKAY

I notice when it takes a while to put an entry in this blog that I am relatively happy & things are good!  I seem to need to blog when something is bothering me.  Right now things are great, thank GOD, GODDESS, UNIVERSE! 

I took my name off the side bar under circling thoughts.  A cyber friend pointed out how careless that could be.  It's true I think.  Altho' I am always careful not to say anything incriminating about my job, perhaps it is still risky. 

 Interesting how we all worry about getting fired, esp after all these decades of blood, sweat & tears.  Luckily I do still love my job enough to want to keep it.  (Well, I can hate it too- it seems everything is a bit of a love/hate relationship with me.) 

Pam got on my nerves last night.  She can be such a bitch, but she is still a very good person.  I am a bitch, but I am a good person, so she is no worse than I.  Well, she IS a much worse bitch.  So there.

Last night they (Pam & Marilyn - I call them Parilyn) were complaining about my perfume... (they always complain about perfume - they are alergic, but Pam wears a lot & it doesnt bother them...)  well I have been wearing this one to work for 2 yrs now, thought Id found one that doesnt bother them as well. 

I love to wear perfume & smell pretty, so does Doris.  I finally got home after deadheading to JFK & limo-ing back to EWR.  (Pain in the ass, our flight cancelled in LA)   I asked Doris (all cuddled up in bed) if I stunk.  she said mmmm, no YOU smell GrEaT. 

Good, that is good, Parilyn can go blow.  I was so glad to get home to Doris.  Thank the Lord that all is well on the home front again!

tired again, what else is new?

It is great to be just bored instead of crazed over my relationship with Doris.  Had 2 days off after working an exhausting dfw turn, it was just mundane - sooo tired I felt fluish yesterday.  Went to Curves, then ran all over to get a surprise 70th birthday party together for Jan 20th.  I'll have to take a loan out for the $1000 for the room in the restaurant.  Crazy, I know but jeese, Doris is going to be 70 and that is very special.  Flying out today to lax.

ah.... Sundays at home

Ahh  Sundays, sweet Sundays....  in bed, Alone...  Doris went to church but didnt bother me about going even tho this was our Sunday to sing.  I immediately went back to sleep after she left.  mmmm, s l e e p !   Didn't even read all the sunday papers stacked up at the bottom of the mattress.  Really am tired. 

Now just catching up on computer reading & watching a really neat lesbian movie,"Desert Hearts."  God, it's so cool!  Doris is downstairs back home cooking a delecious smelling chicken dinner.

Life is wonderful, once again.   Oooh, here comes the best part of the movie.  later.....

Okay

It was good to fly with Pam & Marilyn again.  Parilyn I call them.  Pam was talking about retiring in 1 1/2 hrs.  Marilyn is not so sure about being home with Michael everyday with no chance to get away.  I am worried about not getting SS for 2 yr - not enough money, maybe not enough even then. 

Andy was #1. 

So talking to them about fighting with Doris almost upset me again, since Pam thinks we should seek couples counseling so as not to let it go so far to where we can't get it back.  she may be right. 

I brought the fight up when we were taking baths tonight.  She was annoyed, but I told her I didnt want to fight anymore & if she didnt understand it is being disrespected in front of her Kids & grandkids that sends me over the edge, then it will only happen again. 

Then we just talied about other stuff.  She seems to have handled that okay.  Now Im tired, Im going to sleep.  To much IMing tonight!!!  It is always good to touch base with my cyber space friends.

normal

Just had 1 day off, accomplished a lot even tho' I didn't get home till 0430 yesterday morn.  I noticed the equipment has been changed to a 767 again today so Pam & Marilyn get to deadhead.  I love working the 767. (in coach.)

So had brunch wit Sis, got dog/cat food & kitty litter,

Took down outdoor xmas lights.  That's always sad.  Can't take down the tree inside yet, it's still so pretty, & it hasn't been up that long.

Went to the A&P, bought food for dinner & took it home for D. to cook.

Went to Weight Watchers.  This is the 1st day I didn't loose any weight since the beginning.  Must have been that fucking delecious ziti that Sis sent over.  Just couldn't stop once I started, my God it was good.  Oh well, at least I maintained the 25 lbs lost & didn't gain.  Of course I've been starving  for 2 days for repentence.

Went to drug store, got hair stuff & frickin' support pantyhose.  Can I ever have enough hair conditioner?

Doris had cooked a delecious Salmon /veggie dinner & was actually walking Roxie when I got home! 

Then we got in bed & watched "Dancing With The Stars" for 2 hours.  I LOVE that show!!  It is great!

Now I gotta get ready for work again, time to leave.  So soon?  Just as well.

1st Flight Back after Vacation (& I use the term loosely)

I am sitting in the Marina Del Rey Marriot - finally- the flight was real delayed tonight.  & there was a butt in everyseat, we were oversold PLUS they changed equipment & it was a big 767!  I love that plane, esp in back (1st class is too hard & too slow with 30 folks up there.) 

The fA's were great & the full load & all the work took my mind off all my troubles.  It was nice to be among people that respected me & appreciated my hard work & professionalism.  heh heh, well I may be stretching it a bit much at the last there.  These FA's liked me, I forgot how good it feels to be among this ewr group of peers.  No WONDER I hate real estate agents, Flight crews are sweet, funny & oh so nice & caring. 

I hugged Doris goodbye & said 'I dont want to fight anymore...'  She said okay, we wont fight.  She had been singing Jesus songs this morning (what she always does when she's upset) & it was so beautiful, her voice is SO wonderful. 

I wanted to call home & tell her how delayed our flight was going to be, but I didn't.  Figured just leave her alone.  (She had told me to just leave her alone last night... to which I replied Doris, I've left you alone for years...)  I think it upset her some.  Not that much, as she won't let anything upset her that much.  Wish I could learn that trick.  Now I want to call her from Los Angeles, but it's 0300am her time, midnight here.

The thing is she's all I ever think about, my little world basically revolves around her.  It's been that way since the day I met her 24yrs ago.  That's why all this fighting is so fucked.  Like what the HELL is going on??  Doesn't she know I adore her?  Definately more than she does me...  she's got all these family jerkoffs in her life that came first, seems like they are more important.  SO glad I don't have that to deal with in my family anymore.  My friend Rosanne says next time she's gona get involved with orphans only.  HAH!  She's got a GOOD point.  Someone who has no other crazy family fartbrains to concern themselves over.  Yeah, that's the ticket!

Okay, up to my room & a hot bath.  phew!  Glad this day is over.  Thank you Godfor helping me make it thru.

Back to Work

Gotta fly out today.  Vacation (WHAT vacation?) is over.  I am deeply depressed.  Big surprise. 

2005 was horrible, I was glad to see it go.  Thought 2006 would be better, but so far it's worse.  Or at least as bad.  Is it me?  I gotta get a grip here.

Dreamed about my parents last night.  We were getting ready to go on vacation.  Daddy was figuring out the milage with a map like he did every year.  Mother was smiling & happy.  Alan & I were going thru the (huge) house turning off all the lights.  We were all looking forward to the adventure coming up.  The different thing is that we had Pinkie the van that Doris & I had.  That would have been great.  It was nice of them to come by & visit me last night.  I guess they knew how sad & upset I was.  That was kinda comforting.

So today we're acting as if nothing happened, nothing is wrong.  It makes me wonder if the past 24yrs were all a farce.  Last night I thought about just flying trip after trip after trip to stay away.  But that's how I got shingles.  Oh wait, no ...  according to my beloved it was because I am such a miserable bitch.  

How sad.  How truly sad.  My life is in limbo.  I don't feel hate for her today.  Just regret.  I have a deep pool of despare filling my insides, the hard ache of depression in my gutt.  God, I hope I don't cry on the plane in front of  the other Flight Attendants.  I have to become more positive before this gets out of hand. 

Another Fight

Another fight.  sigh.  I just don't know.  Can it be any clearer that we are coming apart?  Could the writing be any bigger on the fucking wall already?  I am starting to hate her.  I hate this, that's for sure.  Good thing I'm flying out tomorrow.  Which I hate that I have to go back to work already.  I traded my 1st trip that went out today so that I could have an extra day of vacation.  Nice day, went to the movies... 

She was calling her kids/grandkids...  just chatting.  Called up Herman, just chatting like none of this past week ever happened.  hehehe, hahah, chat chat chat, Then all of a sudden screams at ME in the phone (which Herman is on the other end) Kathy don't change that channel.  (I am turning on channel 5 for "House"...which SHE likes, not me  so much, I'm doing it for her.)  But she actually SCREAMS at me in front of him.  I just loose it.  I dont even KNOW what I said.  The thing is she NEVER knows when she's screaming at me.  And she ends up disrespecting me in front of her kids, her grandkids, & that was it, I wasn't having it anymore.  So here we go again, I'm mean, I'm horrible, I'm a nasty bitch, I get shingles & everything else because I'm such a fucked up , dispicable miserable bitch.  She's fine, she doesnt get sick, that's why I'm always sick because I'm so hateful.  So when I respond to her in the way that she has just screamed & responded to me she doesn't even get that she did it first.  What ever.  I'm tired.  Just getting sick of it all.  24 years & here we are.  Go figure.  This truly sucks.

Brokeback Mountain

Saw Brokeback Mountain this evening.  Wow.  Really good movie.  You can totally waste your whole life (& your lover's) when you live in the closet.  Very sad.

resolutions 2006

2006

PORTION CONTROL (food)

Loose 25 or more LBS  (food)

NEATNESS/ CLEANNER  (house)

Get out of this writer's block & WRITE something meaningful

more to follow.....

Happy New Year

So chruch last night was boring.  I'm so done with the CME guilt trips.  Maybe I'll start going to the gay church & leave doris with her Phillips congregation.  Minor detail about the choir.  Everyone there has been nice to me for all these years, but I'm sick of the guilt shit.

Last night doris, sis & I went to the scotchwood diner after church.  It was fine.  Fell asleep fast.  Sure was glad when we woke up that I had already told doris last night I wasn't going this morning. 

She tore around & got ready & split.

buhbye!

Love it, home alone.  I miss this serenity.

Happy New Year, 2006!