Saturday, April 15, 2006


     I have a cyber friend who is bisexual.  She gets frustrated because there is

 no respect from the gay community.  I think it is because of all the hell we go

 thru to come out.  So that once we seriously commit to Women, we don't need

 to go thru the pain of loving one who wants a man.  That would be

 irresponsible.  I began to write of my own experience.  Usually I send my

epistles into "The Lesbian Lifestyle," but I doubt they would be interested in

this one.


      I remember when I was bisexual.  Still living with Charlie...  or maybe we

 were broken up then for a while.  REALLY wanting women, but still addicted to

 his fucking dick.  REAL women's women wouldn't have me because men were

always around me.


     I had always wanted women since I was little...  Remember a big crush I had
on an older girl when I was 8.  It was at the YMCA, she was always playing the
guitar & singing like Elvis...   Dug the butches even then. 
      But, I always wanted boys, too ...  I wanted love from everybody...  And they
 were always there.  And because of childhood incest/abuse I had turned into a
 sexual being for anyone...  altho I never acted on it beyond flirting
 shamelessly...  Until the end of my 21st yr...  almost 22.  And once I started I
couldn't stop.  It was a way of self-medicating again and again, and yet again.
Until I drew the smoke from a boyfriend's joint... & found sex enhanced even
 more, oh my GOD, yet another addiction...  It was all too good.  It was all so
 bad, so sneaky, so ruininess.  I was ruining my life.  Though I didn't know it
     Nothing mattered other than getting my fixes, whether it was men or pot.  I
 quit my wonderful dancing...  (the reason I was born to breathe...)  JazzBallet
 classes with Luigi on Broadway...  the reason I became a Stewardess - to get to
 NYC to study with Luigi on Broadway - to dance in all the choruses on the
 Great White Way..  My dream up in smoke.. 
     HAD to keep working, had to fly to pay the bills, had tosupport my habits,
 HAD to fuck and get high.  My life, my youth  divebombing down...  down to
Charlie, into his lair... into his world, the final 6 yrs of my 20's thinking I was
 ecstatically happy, totally in love..  Lost in the bliss of sex, drugs & disco and
well, domestic life- such as it was, better than anything else I had ever had...
     But I still wanted women.  And I knew I would have to have one.  And when I
 finally did, I knew I was on the right path to becoming me.  Of course these
 luscious beauties were all bisexual... couldn't interest a lesbian with men all
 around me.  And bi-women all needed men...  they would eventually want to
 bring you home to their men.  I was not interested, I had my own man.  I sure
 didn't want to share my women.  I had never wanted to share my men.  But you
alway share your man, you just don't know it.  They lie about it.  They don't tell
you about their other women.  We all just live in denial that we're their one &
     So it took one last 1 1/2 year relationship with a wonderful, sweet, gorgeous
& sexy man to finally admit...  I am not straight.  God knows I tried.  Being Gay
 wasn't a choice.  My choice was to be heterosexual.  You can fuck every man
in sight, even marry them...  but it won't make you straight if you're not.  You
 just choose to live a lie.  Maybe not so consciously, but that is how it is...  if you
 buy society's brainwashing... and live in fear..  of being the real you.  At least
that is how it was for me.
     And so it goes...  I am a Bonafide Dyke!  Non of this wishy-washy bisexual
bullshit for me.  It is a relief not to "need" a man in order to make it thru life.
My "Coming Out Chronicals, parts 1 thru 5 " are in my 2005 July- August
archives here as
well as "The Lesbian lifestyle!" 2005 archives, So I won't repeat myself again. 
     Suffice it to say, relationships are hard enough, often a true struggle.  But
 they are next to impossible when you try to be someone you're not.  I wish
 everyone happiness on their path thru life.  I am grateful I found my happiness
 with Doris.  In a few short months we'll have 25 yrs together, for better or
worse!  Thank you God.  You  have truly blessed me!  It's been a long, hard
journey.  I look forward to the rest of this adventure.


lisaatoffice said...

its funny - not knowing anything about you - i read through your story thinking it may be somewhat recent.
25 years is fantastic...


nfluxus said...

In between my hetero married life and lesbian life I thought I was bisexual. I suppose that's the natural progression when you've been living with a man for a while. It's hard to realize that you've never been true to yourself. But there is no way I'd consider myself bi in any way now.