A Couples Meme by Sassy

A Couples Meme by SASSYFEMME

1. How long have you been together?

26 Yrs, 27 in July!


2. Who pursued who?

I totally chased her gorgeous ass all over town, 'till she caught me.


3. Do you wear any type of wedding/commitment ring? If so, which hand?

We have matching gold bands with 5 diamonds on our left marriage finger...  Altho I've recently had to remove mine since I regained weight...I had made it smaller when I'd lost 50lbs...  & it's too damn tight.


4. What was the hardest thing about learning to live together?

In the beginning having sex with her children in the next room..Definately cramped my style.  For her the fact that I am not a neat person & she is. 


5. Who takes longer to get ready in the morning?

If I put on make-up, then I do.
If I don't put on makeup then she does (D. always puts on make-up.) We're both lipstick lesbians, but Doris is an exquisitely fancy butch!


6. Do you usually eat breakfast together?

At home I have 3 hardboiled egg whites, vitamins & a smoothie...  D has one hardboiled egg, vitamins & a smoothie & we usually eat this together quickly before running out the door. 
But often we go out for a nice brunch at Perkins or The Scotchwood Diner.


7. Do you ever share clothes?

Yes some stuff like Tee's or Sweatshirts, but mostly we have our own clothes- Doris is 6 ft tall so her stuff is a bit bigger plus she is VERY stylish, while I no longer care so much.  I can rally if I have to, but I just want comfort. I'm happy to wear a uniform so I don't have to think about it. 


8. Who does most of the cooking?

DORIS!!!  always. 
I can not cook.


9.Who usually takes out the trash?

I do if I'm in town. 


10. If you have pets who usually does litter box or poop patrol?

I do if I'm in town.  Doris would rather not have animals in the house even tho' they adore her.  She will do it if I'm gone however.


11. Which one of you is more likely to answer the phone when it rings?

Doris definately... unless she see's it's a creditor on the caller ID.  Also we each have our own rings (mine rings twice each ring) which I ask her not to answer in case it's crew schedule trying to draft me for a flight.  So if it just rings once each ring it's usually for her.


12. Who's in charge of the remote if you're watching TV together?

I want to be, she wants to be.  We fight for it ...-ie whomever grabs it first wins.  But not for long because Doris doesn't like my choices often (House Hunters) & also I flip channels a lot, so I let her eventually control the clicker because I know she'll usually fall asleep within 30-60 minutes...  Then it's mine all mine. 


13. Who usually drives when you go out together?

Usually Doris!  But somedays I do squire her around which she enjoys.  We each get on our nerves when the other drives.  ("be careful, watch out, you should have turned there.."etc.


14. Which one of you takes care of spiders and bugs that get into the house?

Doris does for sure.  She smashes them.  Often times when I try, I miss.


15. Facing the bed, who sleeps on which side?

Doris on the right closer to the bedroom door, I'm on the left close to the window.


16. Who usually checks the (postal) mailbox?

Luckily we have mail coming in the door slot on the livingroom floor!  But Doris generally goes for it first.  I personally don't want to see the bills.


17. If something breaks or goes wrong in the house, which one of you is more likely to either fix it or call someone to fix it?

Doris, thank God she has the ability!  However lately she tells me she can't do anything anymore cause she's gotten too old.  This has upset me, because she isn't old (72) & I don't get it - she Always used to be into so many "projects" with great zest.  I loved that about her!  2 days ago I said to her "you've Never heard me say I can't do anything because I'm too old"  to which she replied "because you've never done anything I did it all!" And we both laughed SO HARD because it was totally true...  Tonight when I came back from my flight she had fixed the leaky toilet & rebuilt the shelves that go over it!  Thank GOD - I was beginning to think I'd lost my wonderful handywoman.


18. Who is generally the neater of you?

Oh, please!  DORIS, hands down.


19. Who handles the checkbook/pays the bills?

Uhm.  Well.  We each "handle our own checkbooks" & pay certain bills...  including our own charge cards.  But unfortunately this has exploded in my face as my beloved has totally fucked her end up.  She has even retired 2 years ago with acute debt & won't get another job saying no one will hire a 72 yr old.  I don't know what to do.  I couldn't retire at 60 with my friends because of this.  I am dissenchanted.  I am angry.  I am pissed.  I am depressed.  I am scared.  I don't want to take a loan out against the house to pay for her debts (we are both on the mortgage.)  If we can't find a bank that does 'consolidation loans' then I guess she'll have to do bankruptcy.  I just keep going to work, picking up overtime like a motherfucker.  I'm tired.


20. What was your last fight/disagreement about?

Her damn youngest deadbeat son.  She loves him, of course.
And money.  Not good.


21. When you slow dance together, who leads?

Doris.  She can't follow for shit.


22. What do you love the most about your other half?

Believe it or not, we LAUGH a lot!  And we tell each other "I love You" often, everyday.   And have I mentioned how fucking beautiful she is?  She still makes me swoon.  I swear there is a LOT to be said about waking everyday to a fabulously gorgeous smiling face!

Still Feel Blaa

Going back to work today, altho I'm not 100%.  If we are on the sick list longer than 6 days, then it counts for 2 instances..  which is so stupid & even dumber to try to explain to lay folks who dont fly.  If you get 3 instances in 1 year you are put on notice & have to go into LGA to talk to your supervisor & if you call in sick again you are fired.  So I am not that well - I am exhausted, but I have to go back because I am better than I was.  I was just trying to take care of myself with that chronic cough but I shall never again walk into a damn care center to get meds so I can take my trip out the next day because I wont have a Dr to depend on that understands a flight attendants plight.  When I went to my own Dr. for a follow up, she really couldnt put me on a "family leave" (something we can do if we are really ill for a while that doesnt count because the dr is standing behind your sickness & it will be forgiven..)  By the time I got to my own Dr I only have post nasal drip, a regular cough & ringing ears.  Still not good, but she couldnt put me on a family leave because I wasnt bad enough, at least according to her.  I am pissed because I still feel light shit, never-the-less I gotta go back to the job.  And it really is impossible to understand for you all, so I apologize for this boring entry.  snore. 


I shall be flying 4 days in a row, have one day off, fly 2 days have one day off, fly 2 days have 2 days off.  Then I'll fly 2 more days afterwhich I'll be on vacation for 2 weeks the end of Apr.  Okay. 

Still Feel Blaa

Going back to work today, altho I'm not 100%.  If we are on the sick list longer than 6 days, then it counts for 2 instances..  which is so stupid & even dumber to try to explain to lay folks who dont fly. 

If you get 3 instances in 1 year you are put on notice & have to go into LGA to talk to your supervisor & if you call in sick again you are fired.  So I am not that well - I am exhausted, but I have to go back because I am better than I was. 

I was just trying to take care of myself with that chronic cough but I shall never again walk into a damn care center to get meds so I can take my trip out the next day because I wont have a Dr to depend on that understands a flight attendants plight.

When I went to my own Dr. for a follow up, she really couldnt put me on a "family leave" (something we can do if we are really ill for a while that doesnt count because the dr is standing behind your sickness & it will be forgiven..)  By the time I got to my own Dr I only had post nasal drip, a regular cough & ringing ears.  Still not good, but she couldnt put me on a family leave because I wasnt bad enough, at least according to her. 

I am pissed because I still feel like shit, never-the-less I gotta go back to the job.  And it really is impossible to understand for you all, so I apologize for this boring entry.  snore. 

I shall be flying 4 days in a row, have one day off, fly 2 days have one day off, fly 2 days have 2 days off.  Then I'll fly 2 more days afterwhich I'll be on vacation for 2 weeks the end of Apr. 

Okay. 
I just gotta get thru flying 10 days in the next 2 weeks. Going into the Robot Zombie Mode in a few hours.  Once I get to the hotel I can decompress & should be back to "normal"...  which is so jet lagged you really don't know the difference! 

Prepare to enter the Z O N E....  Speak at ya later.

This is such an odd job, no?

A Tad Bit ill

Oye Vey.  Been flying my butt off, trying to make that overtime.  Very few days off.  While on a trip, thieves stole Doris' tires, rims, & hubcaps off her new (about 3 or 4 mo old) G6 Pontiac in the fucking driveway.  They even took the lugs, AND brought their own bricks to sit the damn car on. 

So on my very few days off I've been trying to help Doris tromp thru junk yards & tire sales since her insurance gave such a low-ball estimate.  It has been windy & freezing.  In the end, she went with the dealer she bought it from even tho Liberty Mutual does not want to pay half of what is needed to replace it all.  I spoke to them & gave them a few choice words & sentiments & it seems they may be sending another check out, but it remains to be seen if it will still be enough.  Pain in the ass for sure. 

Meanwhile back at the ranch I got a croupy cough that wouldn't quit, my lungs would squeeze so tight I could barely breathe.  I got in from a trip with only one day off before going out on the last trip of the month...  My Dr. wasn't in that day so I went to a walk-in care center to get a quick prescription for my cough &/or BRONCHITIS so I could work the next day without scaring everyone with my cooties.. 

Well hell, they kept me there about 4 hrs. stuck a catheter down my nostrils & sucked out mucus (totally disgusting) & sent me for a lung xray, told me I had the Flu AND bronchitis (did not FEEL like I had the stupid flu, just a cough) & that I could not fly for at least 3 more days, then gave me 3 prescriptions to fill. 

I took the prescriptions immediately because I wanted to get better immediately & nobody there said don't take this all at once.  I was gona make that damn flight the next day, I was NOT loosing all that overtime I'd accrued (29hrs which is a fucking LOT.)  The meds were tamiflu, an inhaler (never had one of those puffer gadgets before) & cough syrup with codeine.  Fine. 

I drove off to WW to get weighed as I had been flying during the last 2 Wednesdays ...& suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks.. I was getting dizzy.  Hell, I might pass out.  I left the meeting immediately, made it out to my car, laid down in the back seat & called Doris (who was home making us dinner)to come get me.  I just layed there half way paralyzed with my eyes closed, but could hear everything around me.  Also I was starting to have thoughts of oh yeah, I am stoned for sure......  Missed this feeling for decades now.  Wow. I'll just relax & enjoy it. 

Once Doris got me & sat me up in her (rented) car I became totally nauseous.  Once home I alternated between barfing my gutts up & laying by the toilet bowl in a stupor.  ahh, the ecstasy of OD-ing, I remember it well.  I felt SO FUCKING SICK.  I had walked into that damn dr's office with only a hacking cough & ended up sick as a fucking dog.  shit. 

I kept thinking I will just get thru the night & then I'll be able to fly tomorrow.  But I was still so green, dizzy & dry heaving in the morning & had no choice but to finally call in sick. I lost $850.00 in overtime ($400 after taxes) by not making the last trip of the month.  If I wasn't that sick to start out with, I sure am now.  I am SO disgusted.

Oh, &by the way, they called me today with a xray result of a spot on my right lung & I should come back for a follow up in 3 months.  Great.

Frickin' insane, man.

Life Is A Merry- go-round

Diahann Carroll was on my flight yesterday. DAMN!  She is STILL so BEAUTIFUL!!!  And Nice.  That smile of hers!  Still exquisite & big!  Class personified.  A truly dignified woman in her 70's.  And we ALL know how I love those older gorgeous women!!!!!  Oh, did I mention she told me I was beautiful too?   Now how sweet was that?  ...Even tho' she clearly wasn't wearing her 'over 70' glasses.  hah hah.

Flying out again today to Lax so I'll be missing WW weigh in.  But I'm not worried, even tho' I'm still eating a sweet roll here & there & had Chinese food last night...  That super-duper gym/spa I joined is SO FABULOUS & even tho I'll only be able to go one day this week on fri (my ONLY day off - flying the weekend too) my stomach is going down!  The whirlpool, steam & sauna is a grande treat after long, hard workouts & SO LUXURIOUS!!  I am SO RELAXED driving home from there that I don't know how I've managed to survive this long without it all.

I Wanna Stay Home

I'll be fine once I'm there with FA's I love.  But I really DON'T want to get out of bed.  shit.  And it's after noon already, my sign in is 530pm. 

Also there will be FA's there I DON'T like as well BUT this month I am working a 767 so there is plenty of room to get away from the doink butts & have good conversations with the excellent FA's.  (There will be NINE Flight Attendants onboard! That is a lot.) 

Also I am actually working in coach this month.  I bid this posistion on purpose because I HATE the widebody FC's - there are 30 psgers up there, two asiles & the service goes
v e r y  s l o w l y ~~~~~la la la...
It's excruciating for pros like me who are fast as the wind.  You have to keep your cart even with the cart across the asile, it is SLOW I tell you, takes at least 2 freakin' hrs to finish.  Not so on the 757 FC that I usually work.  Plus there are so many fA's in the 767 coach, we get thru zip zap zip!!!  I am actually looking forward to it. 

BTW, I can hardly move from working out at the new Health Club.  No lie.  I am sore.  I feel creaky, rusty & stiff.  Doris on the other hand is just fine.  I don't get it.  Plus I gained 2 more lbs at WW weigh-in last week.  Hmmm.  Still hitting the Entenmann's counter at the A&P - KMae, you gotta stop with the carbs & sugar.  Waa waa waa.  Don't wanna.  One day at a time, sweet Jesus!

Got to put on make up & do my hair now.  crap.
 

Hopeful

I have flown with a wonderful FA twice since I wrote my last entry.  So I am ever so much happier.  I should know better about letting people steal my joy, but that was a hard one.  Sorry for my rant tirade, but I had to let it out!  I have 2 more trips this month, both with excellent women so it will be great!

This weekend is the Blogger's Getogether over at Sassyfemme's in Conn.  I could not go because of flying so much, only had sat/sun off & I HAD to rest.  Plus I'm broke.  Plus it snowed & I had to drive home thru all that weather after landing at midnight on fri.  So I am feeling bad about not getting to go.  Would love to meet all those fabulous bloggers I read all the time.  Drat.

So this is good...  Yesterday Doris & I joined a great gym/health club/fitness & wellness center.  It is very expensive, but they had a sale of $150 off as well as Sr. discounts, Doris wanted it, so I thought yeah!!!  Let me be supportive here, as she won't go to Weight Watchers with me.

Since this place is an affiliate of a hospital there is a nurse & it has every machine in the world!!!  2 pools, one for laps & one for water arobics (D's favorite,) bunches of classes, a real pilates studio with those big machines (this costs extra, but I always wanted to try those huge contraptions!) & best of all for me, a STEAM room!!  Also a healthfood restaurant.

I shall let go of the Curves membership which is so easy & try to get back in shape with this gym!  The people that have lost the most weight at WW have joined here, it is serious.  I am back up to 175 lbs, so hopefully this should help.  (Of course those damn desserts (cookies/ coffeecakes) I keep scarfing down at night have got to go.)  When, I don't know.  I feel rebellious & want to cram them in my mouth.  This makes no sense since I lost 50lbs before, so I know I can do it.  Guess I just didn't like doing it.  Why does what is good for us always have to be so hard??? 

Dumb-Ass Americans

I have been flying with the biggest bitch four days in a row.  A REPUBLICAN moron who not only Wants the war to continue (because she doesn't want another 9/11 - uh, like the rest of us do???)... 
She wants those soldiers there for her protection & she is SO SURE they all believe in what they're doing & want to stay there.  Of course her OWN children aren't there. 

Oh & not only is she a rePUBIClan (spelling on purpose) she wants Huckabee to win, she is born again & is not for choice & DOESN'T even believe in birth control.  Gawd what a imbecile.

Even though Doris & I have been together 26yrs (2 yrs more than she & her oh, so religious husband) we shouldn't have the right to get married since my lover doesn't have a dick.  (uhhh, do strap-ons count?) 

Oh. My. God.
She is just SO damn righteous, moral, good ....  NOT!!   She is a totally vain,  narcissistic, self-centered 'know it all' control freak & the  world revolves around her. 
Hello, Mother???
It was a miserable 4 days.

Also she "has a huge passion" to be a life coach against bullies saying that bullying during childhood is so seriously horrendous.  Interesting how she seems to be one of the biggest bullies I've met in adulthood.
 
I was nice to her the whole time because we had to work together, but at the end when we were walking to the employee bus she asked what Iwould tell other FA's about her (she KNOWS how I have no patience with lousy #1's..) 

I said among other things, that you're a f'in Republican.  She said you shouldn't talk about other people's political preference, it's personal.  I was like no WAY, I talk about it. She said that is slander.  I said it is NOT slander, oh wait- so you KNOW you're wrong?!  She said it's your tone, how you say it - you're just mad I'm Republican.  I said indignantly, I'm not mad,  I'm  disGUSTed.

The truth is I actually have some 'good' friends who are Republicans... even after this administration's fuck-ups of the last 8 years.  It's just baffling. 

It does certainly make me wonder why I'm friends with people who would vote for those that consider us second-class citizens, deny me equality & therefore don't support my very being.  Friends?  What, am I daft? 

They can all just suck my rather long, hard, bulbous, sweaty CLIT.

My Essay on the Democratic Elections

A dear friend wrote saying she was surprised I didn't vote with Doris for Obama, that I didn't seem like a Hillary type!

Well, I am DEFINITELY a "Hillary type."  Totally.  (I am an OLD dyed in the wool feminist.)  (Four other women & I helped start "Stewardesses For Women's Rights" with the backup of Gloria Steinem & Betty Friedan in '69...)

Hillary is strong & powerful & focused.  She is smart & tough enough to stand up to everyone & break thru the glass ceiling!  I admire & respect her.  Wish I were more like her.  The youth of today have NO IDEA what we old farts had to go thru to get to this point for women,  NO idea. 

And in effect, young women do NOT care because they have come into their lives with entitlement, thanks to us all stomping around with no bras, hairy legs in our 'combat boots' demanding equal rights with our picket signs.  It's been a long, hard road for a fact.

Plus I loved Bill Clinton & thought he was a wonderful president & know he is So Damn Brilliant.  I would prefer that men (&/or women) would not fuck outside their marraige or relationships, but that is just not realistic, esp when they have so much power & charisma... I dont give a shit that he had other women & lied about it, hell who wouldn't have lied about it, & in fact HIS lies didn't kill anyone like Bush's fucking maniacal lies. 

Our economy was excellent when he was in office. 
I would LOVE it that he would be available to Hillary if she needed any kind of input on running the country.  She had been there thru it all with him & knows what it's about & what it takes. 

She would be SO wonderful, but America is still sexist & hold men higher than women.  Every time.  And I do think that many older women (perhaps myself included in spite of all my self worth work..) still have self hate deep within & immediately judge & compete with all successful women.
 
I think Barack Obama is wonderful & that he is pure light! I like his wife. I believe he is earnest & wants desperately to make a huge difference.  I do Not believe he has enough experience yet.  However if he is elected (& I think he very well could be!) I would support him.  I would however prefer Hillary WIN & Barack be Vice President & get more serious experience 4 or 8 yrs, & THEN become President.
 
Of course that is My Dream about the situation.  They would make a fabulous team, but I wonder if either one could put aside their ego to be Vice President when the other one eventually comes out on top?!  If they could, it would be perfection.  

I remember when Shirley Chisolm ran for President in '72 & I cried when I was able to vote for that possibility!

I remember when Geraldine Ferrero was nominated for Vice President in '84(?) & I cried when I was able to vote for that possibility!

I remember when Jesse Jackson ran for President  in '88 & I cried when I was able to vote for that possibility!

Actually... I wept with joy for all of the above, never thinking I would have ever lived to experience those potential realities.  Of course I was big-time, majorly disappointed when "my" candidates didn't make it.

I shall weep with pure joy if Hillary wins, I shall weep with pure joy if Barack wins!  The fact that we are here historically is beyond ecstasy! 

If either win, it will be BLISS!

If both win together, it will be Blessed Rapture!!!

GO VOTE!!

I voted for Hillary today!!

Doris voted for Barack!!

So- we cancelled each other out.

Still,
It was fucking thrilling!

What a Great SUPERBOWL!

Well how much fun was the Superbowl this year!  I never thought the Giants had a chance, but WOW!  They were great!!!  It is actually amazing that I even give a shit as I've never been into male sports & all the testosterone poisoning that goes with it.  But this year I've started to actually understand & enjoy the games. 

Last night?  Excellent!!!!  Fun, fun fun! 

Perhaps because they all seem so young now & their cockiness doesn't bother me so much. 

Maybe because I'm starting to feel more violent in my old age.  (hmmm THIS can't be good.) 

Possibly because I've had Michael Strahan on 3 different flights & he has always been such a nice, polite gentleman.  (btw he is BIG!) 

Maybe because Doris enjoys it so much & it's fun to watch together.

Uhmm... all the humongous, round butts are a phenomenon..?  (dang! anybody else notice this??) 

Who the hell knows?  I can't believe it.  I actually like watching football.  yikes.

What's next?
Hockey tickets??

I doubt it.
Never ever ever EVER!

*Just a note:  I thought Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers was the LAMEST Superbowl half time in the history of the world.  <<<<snore.>>>> ~~~~c o m a~~~~ !!!!BANG!!!!(falling off the bed...)

Seriously folks.  If we have to watch old fart, brokedown, gnarly, crotchity whiteass boy/men bring back the Rolling Stones, at least they are still fun to watch & the songs are Exciting. 

Brown Sugar anyone??

6 Days Later

Oh my gosh, am I tired!
     Just flew 4 days in a row.  phew!  I've GOT to not do that so much, really I am fucking 60 now for goodness sake.

When I got off the trip last night & was walking thru the terminal to the employee bus, I felt like I was going on vacation.  I have 5 whole days off now!  A sweet little FA picked up my trip on Sun. so I can be home for the Super Bowl.  That gave me a LOT of extra days off.  YAAhooIE!

So the new, exciting news is... wait for it... I got my HAIR cut!  8 inches!  THAT is a LOT for me!  Doris isn't pleased.  I knew she would freak, she likes me with long hair.  She has taken to calling me Baldy.  ha!  Ah, those sweet little nothings!  My hair is still below my shoulders, but just barely.  And it's layered.  What the fuck?!  I can't wear it down much because it is just too hot with all the fucking flashes, & has been for years now...  So I've taken to pulling it back into a ponytail, or a french braid rolled into a bun.. because a french braid down my back made me look like a fucking hare' krishna it was so long. ha!

NOW, I have a short little tapered ponytail or a short french braid!  It is so light!  I love it!  I may go shorter.  I MAY even look butch by the end of '08.  What the hell.  Wonder what she'll call me then?! 

Monty?  or Ralph?!  Ha!
Or how 'bout Beauregaurd?
Guess I'll be one of those nelly butches.

Or not.
Probably couldn't, even if I tried.

Pardon me...
I have to go work on my swagger.

Letting off some steam

I got really sick on my last flight.  Threw up big time in the aft lav.  The flight attendants were wonderful, told me to lie down in an enpty row of seats & one went up to FC to take over for me.  I really was so ill & dizzy.  And freezing, too.  Had blankets all over me.  Was never so happy to land in LAX.  I slept it off thru the night at the hotel & though I didn't feel good when I woke up, I was able to rally & get it together by pick up.

By the time the trip back home started I was feeling GREAT, almost manic in fact because I was so happy I no longer felt sick!  There is nothing like feeling deathly ill to appreciate feeling good when you get well.  I was HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY!

I think I know what caused it.  D & I had a big fight that morning before I went to the airport.  Found out we owe $500 on electric & gas...  D had only been paying small increments ($125 or so) of the bills that come in.  When I said you can't DO that she screamed the bills are too much, they're too much.  I just can't pay all that. 

great.

Doris retired 2 yrs ago with thousands of dollars of personal credit card debt.  She has NO intention of getting another job. When I begged her once again this day to get a job she said 'I can take in foster kids..'  I was like OH GOD, give me a break.  (This is probably the main reason I was pukeing my gutts up later at work as we all KNOW how I feel about living here with children, even if they are only visiting.) 

I said are we going to have to sell the house?  I can't work any harder than I'm doing now...  feel like I'm gona keel over with exhaustion at 60yrs I'm working so much overtime.  She said sell the house & we'll go into a Sr Citizen apt.  my heart sunk.  We have pets.  We have stuff.  We have privacy.  Apts are not private they are noisy.  You can hear thru the fucking walls, floors & ceilings.  I'm sad. 

I pay the mortgage, the phone bill, my cell bill, my car note, insurance & gas, curves & half the groceries. I just can't make any more than this. D is supposed to pay the gas & electric, the garbage pick up, cable tv, her cell, her car note, car insurance & gas, curves & half the groceries. 
I depend on her for this.  But she likes to take her sister out to eat & of course she spent that $100 on her son's bus ticket for xmas...  That could have been put to our gas/electric bill. 

And we like to eat out too much, ourselves.  That will have to stop. 

So I freaked out & got totally ill.  Hurled chunks.  It got to me.  I'm better now.  And trying not to panic. 

But I am so pissed.  And just SO dissappointed.  yeah, in her.  She doesn't communicate about these important things...  like MONEY.  Because she just doesn't care.  At 72 she has informed me that she is just not going to worry about anything.  Life will take care of itself.  Jesus Christ. Somebody HELP me!

At least we have our health.  (perhaps  not our mental health so much, ha!) 

Well, guess that's enough of a rant for now. 
shit.

A Pleasant Finale

I'm so relieved, ended up not going dancing today. 
It is so freezing.

I drug myself out of bed early to go to church with Doris on her birthday.  That way, we'd already be half way to NYC from where we live. 

The Tea Dance was at The China Club from 2:30-8:30 put on by SAGE, a big older lesbian group.  I of course agonized over what to wear since I'm heavier again.  I selected the old black velvet trouser stand by with a flowing velvet jacket covering my gut & butt & a black, velvet & silk long scarf.  So what I look rather Liza Minnilli-ish.?.. it is slimming. 

After the service, we went to Sunday dinner at John's with her brother.  That took around 2hrs, & since Doris had sung some solo's as well as regular choir singing, she was kind of tired.  Plus the Giants/Packers football game was on later.  She decided to blow the dance off since it was so damn cold, just go home, get out of her church duds, jump into bed & watch the game! 

So ALLELUIA!  Fine with me.  And a great game it was!!! 
It sounds like a boring birthday, but Doris was quite happy with it & of course all her family called with birthday wishes & she was there to talk with them.  Yea. 

Me, I got to relax, take a much needed 20 min. nap before the game & not worry about being judged by old friends & ex-lovers.  phew!  Of course I'm just so sure they wanted to see me because I'm such a fabulous person, but I feel less than beautiful being a pudge.  And I actually felt so tired with so little rest that I didn't have the energy to try to pull it off since Doris didn't feel like going any longer!

So now I'm excited!  I'm going to sleep & am so happy I won't be too exhausted to work my trip tomorrow, as well as the next 3 days afterward!  Thank you Goddess.

Yea, Movies!

Well, hell! - I was awake all night.  Couldn't sleep- wouldn't ya know?!  Shit, it sucked.  At least I didn't have to work today.

Never-the-less I got up & bought big balloons, cards & 2 dozen red roses for Doris' bday weekend.  It put a good smile on her face.

Took her to brunch at Perkins, then went to 2 very good, fun movies.  First saw Mad Money & it was much better than I'd expected!  Enjoyed it. 

Then saw Juno, which I had fought going to because of subject matter.  But it was very entertaining & I liked it a lot.  I cried.  Being adopted was my lot in the beginning of life so there was a was a good story & great acting...  Just not my story.  whatever.

BTW, last week saw Atonement (blaa- too long) & Frist Sunday (funny.)

Movies are fun!

Now tomorrow:  Doris' bday.  Oh, man.
I just don't have much money left.

Yea! I'm back home.

So, okay.  I made it thru the past 4 days just fine. Really well in fact!  I AM exhausted, but then I always am after 4 days flying in a row.  Of course, I must say that the FA's I worked with were wonderful, really SO great.  I felt fine, normal.  If that drug is still in my system then it seems to only be affecting my sleep- I am sleeping deeply & dreaming rather wildly. ha!  That is not bad, I am enjoying the deep sleep because usually I awaken every 2 0r 3 hrs to pee.  I do not look forward to that starting again! 

Now I have to get thru this weekend & pull off Doris' birthday.  Wish I had more money.  Planning on going dancing in the City & I am dreading it because I am so frickin' T I R E D and also I fear getting sick after sweating from dancing & going back out in the freezing air to get to the car & travel back to Jersey... which is what happened when we did this last time.  I am being negative I guess.  I'll have to figure out a way to turn that around.  Guess I'll just take it hour by hour & do my best.

Effexor is Not a Quick Fix

I've been somewhat depressed forever.  Being in recovery - I have 27yrs clean & dry- I have resisted taking any meds for this.  However, I finally started a course of Effexor.  I took 1 for 2 days & it rendered me catatonic.  I realize now that it takes 4days to a week for your body to adjust to it & around a month to start making a difference...

If any of you take antidepressants I would appreciate feedback.  You can email me at KMB524@aol.com if you dont want to leave a comment.

Here is part of a letter I wrote a friend who takes it, loves it & was coaching me...

           FORGET IT!  I can not function like this on the plane.  So I have today & tomorrow to TRY to get it back together again & NOT take any more effexor.   I have to be really ALERT inflight in case of emergencies or (please God no) terrorism.

 Seriously... I think if someone had a heart attack today I would just look at them, blink & stare in a stupor.  If I had to evacuate a plane I would be doing it in slo-mo. - I think everybody else's exits would be evacuated before I even get my door opened.

I just simply can not function in my world like this, I don't have the time to get accustomed to this drug.  I really wanted it when I started, but I'm thinking the universe is telling me Stop It Now! 

I have another 2-week vacation in April.  Perhaps I shall try again then.  Or not...  but probably I will.  I'm wondering & hoping that if I don't take effexor today or tomorrow will I be back to normal on tue when I have to fly again? 

I've been handling my depressions (albeit not well at times) almost 3 decades without drugs, so I'll just hang in there.  I really wanted a magic pill to make me "happier" (I actually AM a happy person most of the time, or should I say most of the day...)  I knew I should be careful about this because that is exactly what every drug addict or drunk is going for... numb the pain of life & be happy.

I actually admit I enjoyed the last 2 days laying around zonked out, not giving a shit.  I felt great abandon  & relished it because I knew I couldn't move, so what the hell... 

But I can lay around all day 'out of it' with great abandon without an antidepressant & I DO a lot.  The difference is I am laying around depressed (well, I have to take in to consideration that I am EXHAUSTED from work & cabin pressure & SO disappointed I can't afford to retire.)

But of course, then I HAVE to Rally & get up, put on makeup to  go back to work.  Then, once I'm there with so many wonderful Flight Attendants (okay about 1/3 of them are probably on antidepressants themselves!)  I actually enjoy the job, the FA's & many of the psgrs (probably many of whom are taking antidepressants, too!! ha!)

Anyway, I actually feel I would be irresponsible if I went back to work on Tue feeling like this - so out of it & dizzy.  I definitely wouldn't be any fun to work with & I'd be trying to dash around in a haze.  It does help me understand  those FA's that do take antidepressants.  I work VERY FAST & they have a hard time keeping up with me.  Now I know why. 

I know you are grateful you had the time to go thru this & come out on the other side!  I feel a bit dishonest in trying to live my life drug free (clean & dry for 27 yrs) that I took Effexor then felt SO drugged for the past 2 days.  But intellectually I recognize that depression truly is a disease & there is no sense In living with it if one doesn't have to with all the help (drugs) there is out there.

I guess I'll just continue to tough it out, at least for now...
Hey!  Did I mention this not only numbed my mind, it also numbed my APPETITE???  Damn.  I sure could have used That side effect.

It Was Okay

I just flew some horrendously LATE flights that turned into all-nighters, we were so delayed...  But the psgrs were glad we still were going & not cancelling, so they were nice after they got over the initial bitching & moaning...(which I didn't blame them as I was right in there pitching a fit!) 

But here's the great thing after being away for 3 weeks & dreading returning to work...

I flew with such nice women!  They were all SO sweet & happy to be flying with me.  Isn't that cool?  They dig me just for the quirky crazy nut I am.  Makes me feel warm. 

They told me they think I am gorgeous (ahh, not so much anymore,) that I don't look anywhere near 60yrs old (mmh, yeah I felt I looked like hammered dog shit after flying all day & night,)  that I am an urban legend at the Newark base (well, this part IS true, ha!) & they were all looking so forward to working with me because I am funny, I crack them up (yeah, that's true too,) & nobody swears as much as I do (Uhm, well THAT is not cool...) 

It was really wonderful to hear that these great, hard-working professionals like me so much!  Makes life worth while. 

They got together to have a few drinks after we'd gotten to our rooms the last night, however I did not join them - I wanted my bed!  (& it's really not that much fun to stay sober while others get loaded... esp being so tired.)  One of them told me the next day that they spent a long time talking about me & laughing till their guts hurt - each one bringing up hilarious experiences they'd had with me.  WOW!!  How really super-cool is that?!  I so appreciate them.  Wow.

It was an overwhelming welcome back.  Plus they said they'd miss me on their next trip I wouldn't be on since I traded it.  Really lovely women.  I was lucky.

Vacation's Over dang.

Well, the jig is up.
Flying out later this afternoon to lax.
Thank GOD I love everybody on the crew!
That always makes it easier.
But still,
It's always sad when vacation is over.
Esp since management took half our vacation time away after 9/11 to save money & stay out of bankruptcy. 
I should have had 4 weeks in Dec, but got only 2 weeks. 
Plus Dec is not such a vacation because of all the holiday angst. 
Still I am grateful for the break. 
I needed it!

New Year's Eve was okay.  Went to the church watch & listened to a lame visiting pastor.  It just reiterated to me that church is not great.  I need a gay church but go to that one because it is the one Doris grew up in & she loves it. 

Afterwards went to the Scotchwood Diner with Sis & Michelle for a bite.  When we finally got home we were too tired to go to the party down the street.  It was fine.  I was just SO HAPPY that we were finally home alone again, as we had dropped her moocher son off with her other son so he could help fix cars & make money.  It was glorious to have the house back to ourselves! 

In fact we spent the whole next day (Jan 1)  in BED (yeah, Happy New Year!!!) sleeping on & off until 600PM!!!  Slept the whole day away & it was so great!  Afterward we went to McDonalds & back home to bed!  Ha!  Loved it!

So yesterday Jan 2, went to Curves, took down the outside Xmas lights (always sad to do) (it was freezing, too!), made a Dr's appoint for next fri & went to Weight Watchers.  (Lost 2.6 lbs, yea!) 
At least I felt I accomplished something today.  Got my ass out of bed!  ha!

Doris had cooked a fabulous chicken,sweet potato, collard greens, wild rice & biscuit dinner & I chowed down when I got home!
Oh well....  Delicious!

Okay.  Gotta go gussie up for the job.  It's over.  Got a LOT of extra trip overtime scheduled for this month.  Will write again when I have time.  It was good to be able to write so often in Dec.  Happy January y'all.

New Years Resolutions pt one

New Year's Resolutions...
Part one..
at least.

Clearly this time last year, I was skinny & cute after loosing over 50 lbs.  Now, gaining back 35 lbs I am a failure in maintaining that weight loss.  Well, that is how it feels, & DEFINITELY how it LOOKs.  I look fat.   again.  Damnittohell. 

The thing is I wanted to become beautiful & fabulous again more than anything.  And I did!  Beauty & Fabulosity were always my claim to fame.  Not much in the scheme of life accomplishments.  But damn, I looked good & therefore felt good! 

And when I had accomplished getting back to being (dare I say it) gorgeous again it felt excellent!  However something was missing.  I think depression still hung over me...  But I'm guessing that may always be in my life. There was still an emptiness there, you know- deep in the pit. 

Being beautiful again, looking 20yrs younger did not bring as much happiness as I had expected.  Plus I missed eating crap & stuffing my gutt - trying to fill up that emptiness I guess.  Gorging delicious food makes me happier than starving & being skinny & perfect.  At the moment, anyway.  Afterwards, of course, comes the guilt & disappointment of failing to maintain weight watcher goals. 

So, this year I'm going to go for more happiness.  I shall become healthier in weightloss endeavors & try not to surrender to sadness so much.  Guess I shall always need to strive to be more positive, I tried that this past year but only seemed to crack the shell of disgruntledness.

And I shall seek more Spirituality.  Just going to church isn't working.  Doris went today & I stayed home.  I was much more Spiritual when I lived in the City.  Meditation, 12 step meetings, a great shrink, massage, chiropractor, acupuncture, Spiritual books as well as church & gospel music had me on a roll.  I think I'll get back to meditation first.

And I definitely will have to clean up my debts.  Not wanting to take money out of  my money market to do so, but got to get that monkey off my back.

And I shall ALWAYS need to be neater & more organized.

This is the first rough draft of my Resolutions for 2008.  I'm sure I shall be able to add on more.  I have 2 days before New Years Eve.  Why is life still so hard?

The Best Movie!

Went to Curves the past 2 days & WW yesterday.  I am officially back to 175 lbs. 
Shit.
Whatareyagonadoooo??  Holiday food is too tempting. 

After carefully avoiding cakes & cookies all month I finally got weak & gobbled down both for the past 2 nights.  I felt like crap in the mornings.  I tell ya, SUGAR is poison.  It Really makes me feel like shit.  If you pay attention to your body I'm sure it does the same to you.

Went to 2 movies this evening,
one was EXCELLENT: The Great Debaters!
One was mediocre:  National Treasure.

The Great Debaters was SO Great that everyone should see it.  It was set in the beautiful piney woods of East Texas & Louisiana.  God, it was spectacular scenery!  Just exquisite!  And the acting was so Good. 

It was mainly about racism & prejudice in 1938, & how young black Americans pulled themselves thru that type of violence with a debate team that competed across the country. 

It really got to me because I grew up in Dallas & Richardson Texas, but chose to go to College (Stephen F. Austin) in Nacogdoches, a small East Texas town.  So I knew all the southern beauty & locations in the midst of the ugly truth of hatred against anything non-wasp.

I'm sure it is still that way today if that truth really be told.  No doubt in my mind.  There are still just too many 'good ole boys' & their repressed wifeys all over America, let alone in Marshal Texas where this story specifically took place.  It is a true story set in an all-black (at the time) Wiley College...  And  Nacogdoches was just down the road 'a piece' from Marshall. 

It was so bitter-sweet as I have big memories, growing up there in my freshman, sophomore, junior year of College- till I got in trouble for dancing a with a black student at a school dance & was basically told to leave...( can we say 'kicked OUT?')  It was 1968. I always say 'they shoulda been glad it was a boy!' 

That whole mentality makes my heart ache.  Unfortunately it is alive & well everywhere, not just East Texas - but fageddaboudit... it is blatant there.  still.  Just not so obvious, now that it is supposedly against the law.

This was a beautifully done movie, extremely moving & you might not cry as hard as I did since you didn't grow up there, but the story was poignant beyond belief.  Do yourself a favor & go see The Great Debaters.  Oprah sure outdid herself on this one!

Merry Christmas

Christmas Eve was almost magical!  The Daughter & Granddaughter did not come by at 100 pm to stay, as promised & decided not to show up until Christmas day at the big family party out in Burlington!  (I had cleaned like a frickin' nut - but Yea!!  We had Xmas Eve alone!)  YES!!!!

So after going to the Christmas Eve watch at church where Doris sang Ave Maria as I accompanied her on the piano (with Bach's Prelude in Well-tempered Clavichord) (didn't make even one mistake for a change!) (ALMOST enjoyed it & smiled a bit...)  we set out for Manhattan after midnight to see the fabulous Christmas lights, the exquisite Tree at Rockefeller Center, & the outrageous Christmas windows at Bergdorf's, SAKS, & Lord& Taylor.  Then of course, we went for the hot dogs around 0200am at Papayas on 6th Ave & 8th St in the VilLAge!
Excellent!  We seem to making this a yearly tradition. 

The next morning, Doris got up & picked up the AWMF at the greyhound bus terminal, & then his sons & brought them home. They had a few hours to visit before we were speeding  down the turnpike to the generous Niece's sprawling home where the aroma from Sis's incomparable cooking lifted us up the minute we hit the front door!  Oh GOD, her food was SO delicious beyond imagination & yes, I went back for 2 more plates of dressing & gravy!

And for the first time all Doris' Children AND Grandchildren showed up along with all the Cousins & Uncles & Aunts!  It truly was wonderful!  Doris was thrilled & in Seventh Heaven with everyone major in her life there.  It was so much fun to watch them all enjoying each other!  It was GREAT & showed me why it was good that she brought the bad son there- for everyone else to love.

This morning the kids enjoyed their father so much, we could hear them laughing & joking in the kitchen while making breakfast.  They were relaxing, watching TV & just being together for the 1st time all year (since last Xmas.)

The oldest grandson had to go to the airport to meet a young girl- friend coming in to visit from London.  Doris & I were getting it together to go meet her & when we went downstairs to leave they were all standing there with their coats & hats on...  I was like, "where is the girl going to sit with everyone in the car?"  Oh well- AWMF had  called his friend  to come pick him up & drive him to the Poconos, so we could just "drop him off at the diner across from his kid's grandfather before we go to the airport."

What an ASS.  He couldn't get thru another night with his adorable sons (19 & 15) & Mother that he only sees ONCE a year before he made his great escape?  He does this EVERY damn year. 

Doris & her grandsons are so used to this behavior that they just sighed away their disappointment & away we went to drop the little darling off as he kissed his mom & sons saying "see ya in a minute!"  Oh just gag me with an elbow.  I,  am SO pissed at the ASSWIPEMOTHERFUCKER for once again hurting Doris & his boys. 

Of course Doris does NOT want me to voice my opinion on the subject as everything has gone well up until now.  But what a fucking schmuck, honest to my JESUS.  If this pompous bastard dropped dead tomorrow I would never miss the selfish cocksucker, nor would I shed any tears.  Well maybe a few just for those left who love him in spite of who & what he is.

So onward to the airport where we waited & waited for this girl's delayed flight from England on British Airways.  I kept trying to take my focus off how the AWMF's behavior was so heinous & enjoy the grand kid's excitement in waiting for their foreign friend.  And it really was SO adorable!  The oldest was SO nervous, he didn't know what to do or say.  He had no plan A, B or C !!

These kids are all so sweet & innocent still.  It's kinda a beautiful thing.  So precious how the oldest lit up when he saw the girl walking down from customs & how she just glowed when she finally saw him after 12 hrs of travel.  They giggled & hugged, I swear it was So damn sweet!!  And did I mention the young lady is absolutely adorable AND beautiful?!  We took her to her hotel & then we all went to Burger King (their choice) before dropping the 3 of them back at the hotel. 

I was a bit worried about leaving them alone there, but they all met at a Salvation Army camp where they worked together & they are all really good, nice kids.  I did later call their mother & inform her that's where they are.  'Kill joy', maybe...  But I would want to know if I were the mother & she seemed cool about it since the younger brother is there with them. 

So, that was Christmas 2007.  Wonderful beyond my expectations!  Screw the dumbbutt looser son, there's nothing I can do about it & everyone was so happy he was there.  Clearly his charm escapes me.  He says he is coming back to help Doris with the plumbing for both sinks (which is desperately needed) in a few days ("in a minute.")  Sure.  Whatever.  We'll see. 

Hope y'all had as great a holiday as I did.  And well, there's always one relative that is so much MORE dysfunctional than others, no?  I just don't know WHAT the damn lesson is that I am supposed tobe learning here from him.  If anyone can see beyond the BS could you please help me figure it out?  Am I just to ignore the mooch, live & let live?  What? 
 

Oh yeah, I knew it

D's youngest son (in his fourties) called today & Doris told him she'd send him a bus ticket to come for Xmas.

Oh joy.
Oh rapture.

She's an idiot.  She hasn't paid the gas/electric bill (up to $500.00) yet.  And we owe for garbage pick up too.  Among other things.  This is SO pathetic.  Seriously sad.  I feel bad for her, except that I'm pissed.  He is such a turd.  So I gotta get over it.  He is sickening. 

Sang with Doris' choir at the Christmas service today.  Then went & circled the Greyhound Bus station a bunch of times in the teaming rain while she BOUGHT her grown son a ticket.  I hesitate in writing his real name down here.  Guess I shall just refer to him as ASSWIPEMOTHERFUCKER.

Then went to a Christmas Birthday party at the church parsonage.  Ya know, it was not bad, & the food was great!!!
Party party party party.  When will it all end!?

So Here We Go

OoooKaaaayyy, here we go...
     Doris' daughter & granddaughter said they are coming to stay on mon AFTERNOON.  Then heard Doris telling a grandson she would come get him  Xmas day.  I know we are also getting 2 other grandsons that day.  Did I ever mention her new car is SMALL?  And our house is miniscule?  Whatever.  I am going to just sit back & watch Doris arrange all this insanity & try not to panic.  Oh, God.
She's still trying to get ahold  of her younger (44) son.  Can't stand him.  I hope we never hear from him again. 
Yeah, right.  Like I'd be that lucky.  Maybe he can sleep outside if he comes.  Or better still maybe he'll just stay in Detroit where he dwells off of some stupid woman.  punk.  This is the only place I can vent - Doris loves him dearly.  Of course I can't say this to her.

Went to choir practice this afternoon then out to eat at Charlie Browns.  I stuffed my gutt.  It was stupid.  Shit.

I just want to go to SLEEP thru the next 3 days.  One good note, I just found out who I am flying with next month & I love them all!  Thankyou Jesus!

Im gona really have to clean this damn house.

Geese, It's Friday Already!

I am in total denial that Xmas is almost here.  Crap.  I hate not having any money to buy presents or make my yearly photo albums for one & all.  I hate being in debt.  I am very lucky to have Doris, though.  We climbed in bed with a Burger King picnic, watching Wives Murder Club after a full day at the movies again.  We just looked at each other & sighed how lucky we are!  We have each other, our little home, heat, electricity & cable!  Merry Christmas to us!  We don't need no stinkin' presents, ha!  We already got it all.  Of course, a million dollars would be great.  But hey! 

The movies today were so-so.  Saw Charlie Wilson's War.  The cast was great, the political matter such a bore.  Doris kept falling asleep.  Then saw Dewey Cox.  Well, why didn't someone mention it was some sort of silly take-off joke of The Johnny Cash story.  It was lame, but I did laugh a few times.  Whatever, it was just great to be alone with Doris in the dark, chomping on popcorn & sucking up diet coke.

I am getting so many beautiful xmas cards from everybody!!!  I miss sending those out, both the picture cards & the yearly letters. I love all that.  But- gotta conserve the cash.  After all, I gotta have enough to do movies!

Wow, 3 days went by fast

My gosh, thurs is already over.  Saw 2 movies today, I am Legend with Will Smith & The Perfect Holiday with Queen Latifa which was Cute!  We had seen them filming this in Newark at a mall 2 summers ago. 

Yesterday went to a Century 21 Party put on by my real estate agency broker.  Haven't sold for 2 yrs now, but Doris loves to go to his parties.  Actually she likes any party.

Sat next to the young woman whom I had last sold her house, then found her a new house.  She was SO cute & smart & decided to try being a realtor herself!  Guess the experience didn't bother her half as much as it bothered me (got shingles dealing with the buyer's agent who was from my very own office & the folks buying my client's home had so many problems she wouldn't discuss with me, the closing date had to keep being moved back & it affected her closing on the new house & THOSE sellers trying to close on their next home over in Florida, & THEIR agent kept calling me to see what the fucking hold up was & they were going to loose their bid for not closing, plus I was flying 106 hrs that month...)  Well anyway, afterward I said  screw that shit, I ain't doin' it no more.  Maybe after I retire.  Can't juggle both jobs.  And the shingles sucked.  For real. 

Well anyway it was wonderful to see that kid wants to sell houses now & she was so happy to see myself & Doris.  Felt great.  And she's so excited about it, I remember when I felt the same.  Man was it ever a rude awakening for ME, I just wasn't as good as I wanted to be.  And I seriously dislike most real estate agents.  Can't frickin' stand the bitches.  You know when you'd rather fly than sell houses, something is WRONG.  At least Flight Attendants are NICE.  usually. 

I fell down the last 2 steps last night going downstairs to the kitchen.  Thought I was on the last step, but nooo...  CRASH! bang, yeowwww!  Thank God, Goddess Universe I didn't break my ankle/foot/leg, I just seem to be sprained & sore.  Soaked in the tub.  Needed a bath anyway.  What the hell.  I am SO LUCKY & GRATEFUL for sure & have been thanking God all day.  ThankYou, thankYou, thankYou GOD!  This is the best Christmas present ever, THANKYOU!  At 60yrs old I worry about havingbrittle bones.  (Maybe all that damn ice cream I gulped down the whole summer gave me extra calcium.  ha!)

Vacation, Yea!!!

Yikes, I just finished flying 8 out of 10 days to get some overtime to add to my measley vacation pay & now I am off till the end of the month!  Of course, vacation in Dec is never a real vacation because of all the holiday (family) angst, however I can't imagine working a full month during Christmas/New Years. 

So far we went to one party which was fun because it was mainly GAY !!!!!  With NO KIDS!!  What a treat!  But since I had flown in from lax that night we went home by 0100 am.  Doris actually wanted to stay longer.  I am always the one who wants to go home first no matter where we go.  Just ain't no place like it.  Esp when I'm gone so often.

Then next day we both took a 3 (THREE) hour nap!!  Yep yep, I am one exciting woman.

After that, the snow/ice storm started on into this morning.  So we stayed in today (yep played hooky from church!)  I shoveled half the driveway, that was some heavy, wet snow, thank God it wasn't that deep!  Took a hot bath, got back into bed & took another 3 hr nap!  Dang, I am tired.  Doris cooked a fabulous Sunday dinner & I ate everything!  (big surprise.)  Then a night of TV in bed !  I am happy.  Ahhh, contentment. 

Time Sure Flies When You're Having Fun

Wow, it's taking me longer & longer to update the ole blog. 

Thanksgiving was wonderful!  So perfect.  Very few family members compared to the past.  Only about 9 & it was so peaceful.  I didn't overeat too badly.  Had lost 1 whole lb the week before so thank God I had the sugar & carbs under more control!  Yesterday at WW I'd only gained .2 lbs (that's point .2 !) which shocked me because I really did eat aLOT!  I guess the sugar really does put it on fast not to mention makes me feel like shit...  So glad to have more control over it.  It is such a drug.  Carbs too - since that all turns to sugar.  I had 4 whole days off so it felt like a vacation! 

Saw 3 great movies!
Why Did I Get Married? -  Halarious & great!
American Gangster - Great!
This Christmas - Fun & really good.
Always eat that "butter" popcorn.  Can't give that up yet.

Had Doris all to myself & it was SO excellent!
No children or grandchildren came.  yea!
But of course that just means they'll all be here for Christmas.  Oh joy.

Flying, flying, flying!  Alot.  And still not making enough money.  Damn Sam.  It's been hell since 9/11 when they cut our pay in half to avoid bankruptcy.  Fuckers.  Of course management is walking of with giant raises after all this time since WE kept us all above drowning.  Management sucks.  The little people always get screwed.  And without us, we ALL would have gone down.  AssWipe MotherFuckers.  Im so sick of working SO hard & being so broke. 

Doris had a beautiful silver GMC Envoy.  Her lease was up & she could have bought it off for $19,000 but her credit scores have taken a dive with all the credit card debt.  So she needed a co-signer.  I said NO, I can't do it.  It was sad & I felt bad.  Plus I loved that car, it was so smooth & comfortable.  Well, they they wouldn't finance her Envoy but dont' ya know they DID finance a NEW, white 08 Pontiac G6 four door.  Is that not fucked???  We really wanted the Envoy, but Doris is now driving a sporty little G6 hot of the press.  So wierd.  Life is strange.

Now I gotta put on the navy blue monkey suit & head out to the airport.  Lookin' forward to it.  NOT!!  ha!  No, it's all good.  I've had great passengers AND Flight Attendants to work with lately.
I am blessed.

October 24, 1968

Oct 24th I start my 40th year of flying.  So 39 years ago I was 21yrs old, just stepping out of a cab onto 14th st/ 5th av ready & chomping at the bit to start my new Stewardess career in NYC!  There were 8 of us moving into that 2 bdrm apt near Union Square, but the more the merrier at that age.  Besides, we wouldn't all be there at the same time zooming all over creation on our exciting adventures... at least that's what we thought in the beginning.  That got old fast & within a year 5 of us moved across the street to another 2 bedrm better apt.  Then soon one got married, one got fired for sleeping too late & missing 3 sign-ins, & two got fired for shoplifting at Macy's in SFO on a layover.  That was a shock. 

After that I became like a dorm mother renting to NYU college film students (girls of course) until I finally moved out & then in with this fucker Charlie whom I thought was the most wonderful man in the world.  Lived with him for 6 yrs weaving in & out of jealous rages when he wanted other women, then really had to face that I had always wanted women, too. 

Went thru a group of lovelies over the next few years until I found Doris, ran after her till she caught me & have stayed for 26 years now.  Usually I feel lucky & blessed to be with the gorgeous woman of my dreams.  Now & then I feel like we're both nuts to keep trying to make it work.  It's never easy, except for the times it is wonderful which then I wonder why I ever worry.  One thing for sure, when I am away on a flight I miss her madly & feel a serious need to hear her sweet voice.  She is my other half & I would be miserable with out her.

So here I am, 39 yrs after hitting the East coast, now in NJ looking back over all the growing pains - the good times along with the bad...  How in the hell is it that at 60 yrs old I am still going thru more growing pains?  Like doesn't it ever end??? 

I'm still out of control with food.  Chocolate...  Loving it too much to stop gorging.  damn.  Here I think I seriously need anti-depressants, but what a surprise after years of not touching chocolate to be reminded of what glorious mood altering seems to happen in my psyche - how happy I suddenly feel once I start chomping away on stacks of huge Hershey bars - actually any chocolate will do... only to over & over again realize that I simply CAN NOT STOP until I run out.  Like ANY drug or addiction, it's all I think about throughout the day, just waiting for the night to settle in so I can curl up on the couch downstairs after D is asleep & gorge to my content.   sigh. 

Obviously I'm getting fat again.  It's like I don't care anymore.  Except I do.  I liked the way I looked in the size 8's alot better than how I now look in size 14/16's again.  fuck.  Went to WW today & just cried.  My leader said Kathy you can do it.  I know I can, I've done it before.  I just have to get back to wanting to.  Very hard to give up all the crap for healthy food.  damn it. 

Well, flying out to lax tomorrow again.  The fires are so frightening from the air.  Bright orange flames from Malibu all the way to San Diego.  It's horrible.  Compared to those poor people I have no problems, & no good reason to whine or complain.

Still Gaining Weight Back

Well, I've gained back up to 20 lbs now..probably.  Didn't get on the fucking scale at WW tonight because I snuck in so I wouldn't have to pay. 

I've conqered the damn ICE CREAM habit (the cooler weather has helped,) but now I've marched on full throtle to the dreaded CHOCOLATE jones.  Those hot, fresh baked chocolate chip cookies we cook onboard have suddenly become impossible to resist. 

I actually went out & BOUGHT Milky Ways & Hershey Bars last night & today, then ate them on the sly in the car.  Real addict behavior.  Maybe I'd better just get my ass to an AA meeting, because if I'm spiriling out of control with food/sugar/chocolate it could surely be a red flag that more addictions are coming....  Of course all this fucking Halloween candy on sale everywhere doesn't help. 

Whatever, it's all excuses.  waaa, waaa, waaa...  What a fucking pathetic baby I turn into with addict behavior, so unlike my regular strong, stable bitchwoman I usually bring to the forefront & present to the world.  I guess I've lost it inside of the big, mooshy beachball I feel in my lap when I bend over to TIE MY SNEAKERS.  It's really obvious, (I've had to put back on my old fat pants at work) & my gutt is so big again that it raises up the cuffs so it looks like I'm EXPECTING A DAMN FLOOD & you can see my whiteass ankles above my scuffed up navy blue clogs.  Lovely.  Just great.  I'm just so purtty with my jowels (back again from the extra weight,) just a swingin' in the FUCKING BREEZE.  shit.  Oh!  And did I mention that D & I have gotten into a bit of a McDONALDS habit of Big Macs, Fries & a med coke???  Other wise known as a #1 at the drive thru window? sigh.  (ps: YUM! damn it.)

Well all this is boring, but I am writing it down to try to face it.  And in the future when I DO finally get my stinkin' thinkin' under control I can look back & REFLECT upon what the hell happened because right now it's a bit of a blur.  That's how it is when one reaches the spiriling down effect in the midst of acting out addictions.  Shit Fuck Piss.  Hate admitting this, I feel so much shame & it's painful. On the other hand, I still can function & go to work, can live, laugh & love.  Okay.  Forward ho!

It's getting cold

Dang.  It's COLD.  I had to put on shoes & SOCKS this weekend, sandals made my feet feel like blocks of ice.  I hate having to give up sandals.  Doris didn't want to go to the shore, said it was too windy & cold down there.  She was probably right but I still wanted to go,  Oh well.

SO, we went to the movies.  Saw The Brave One with Jodie Foster.  WOW!  That is one fine dyke!  What a great flick.  Loved it!  What a great fantasy to just go around blowing assholes off the face of the earth. 

Then saw The Borne Ultimatum with Matt Damon...  Lots of action, but more Doris' style.

Then snuck into Super Bad, but D couldn't take even 5 minutes of it so we left.  It was sorta lame. 

Of course I ate the delicious butter popcorn!  Dang, it smells so GOOD when you walk into the fricking theater, every time! 

But I HAVE been off ICE CREAM  for 5 days now.  Oh the Jones, the yearning!!  Gotta put it down.  Miss it.  Want it.  But I got fat again.

It's official, I gained 15 lbs above my WW limit.  And you know, it crept on so FAST; June, July, August.  POW!  Looking 4 mos pregnant here.  Damn. 
Note to self:  Loosing 50lbs & looking great doesn't take away depression. 

Here's the thing.  I have to work 2 more years before I get to retire.  I just do, but it makes me morose.  Anyway....  I can go through 2 years & watch food & portions & stay relatively healthy...  OR I can just say fuck it, like I did this summer, eat everything I want & look like a damn blob when I finally retire.  hmmmm.

15 lbs isn't so much, though I can't imagine how long it will take to loose it this time.  I don't like feeling "buttjiggle" when I run a short distance.  I don't like feeling SO tired.  Since it took a year to loose 50 lbs before, it seemed so slow that I never realized I felt better.   Just  15 extra lbs & I definately feel like shit.  (Of course it  COULD  have something to do with all that  SUGAR  (poison) I have ingested.)  Not to mention, I feel 'weezy' when I lie down. 

So time to get a grip. 
okay.
FINE.
dammit.
Time to fly out.
bye.

Last Day of August

I'm holding on to today with all my might, I can't stand to see August go.  I LOVE SUMMER.  And this has been the best summer even tho' I've been working so much.  Doris & I have gone to the beach aLOT & we've spent the whole summer alone without children, grandchildren or family.  YEA!  Very special.  The grandkids are older now & have their own lives to live, so that is wonderful!  They are great kids, but it is just more romantic alone!  I still dig the romance thing... 

Also this summer I have been eating ice cream, cookies & BBQ!!!  It has been so fun, honest to God I got so sick of just focusing on healthy food.  Seriously, it's SO fucking boring.  However, I've now gained around 15 lbs back (didnt get on the scale at WW yesterday, knew it would be bad.)  So it's stupid I let myself go crazy with food, but it was fun I gotta admit.  So okay September is a new month.  Time to get a grip. 

Also once the weather stops being so swealteringly hot & sunny, and our trips to the BEACH slow down, I'll be back into the blogs.  I do miss reading everyone's journals & commenting, but there are so few hours away from work in the summertime! 

Speaking of work, I gotta get ready to fly to LA.  Bummer that it is a fri/sat trip, but it's the only way I could get Labor Day off.  Doris is hoping her family will have a big end of summer bbq, she DOES miss spending time with them & even I think it would be fun.  I had her for the whole summer, so now it's back to the family.  Soon enough it will be Thanksgiving & Christmas (OH LORDIE!) & all the family gatherings.  Sometimes you just need to get away from all the drama.  It's been swell!

Summer's going, boo hoo hoo.  Time for work.
See yas.

Summer is Zooming by

Oh my GOSH, almost a month since my last entry.  Summer is zooming by, I can barely stand to think it will be over so soon.  Flights are jammed packed & I am flying my butt off, making that overtime.

Just an observance:  People are NUTS!

I've put on 10 lbs, just pissed I have to work so hard.  I want ice cream, it's summer for Crise sake...  Dammit.  I'm sick of dieting, had to pay at WW for being over my max.  But I still go.  I must get a grip & I will.  Soon I hope.

Been flying 2days on 1 day off, feel like I've been on a marry-g-round.  Take that one day & go to the shore with Doris in the RV!  So  soothing there!  love it!  Love summer.  Don't get around to blogging on my days off because I'm living life here!  It's been great, no kids, grandkids or family, just Doris & I!!!!! 
You KNOW that's my favorite type of life!!
My Baby & me!!!
oh YEAH!

Have 2 whole days off for a change, going to brunch at Perkins, then maybe back to the beach!!  Nature is pure beauty!

7/17/07

Miracles are always abundant, I just have to slow down to notice sometimes.  It also helps to appreciate where I am & what I do have today as opposed to what I want & where I think I should be. 

I have never been good with patience.  One would think that I had practiced it enough in 60 yrs of life.  I guess the problem is "practice" is just not one of my life habits...  Except by way of the result of "practicing impatience" just never really works, trying to push for faster reality to hurry up & be the way I want instead of letting go & accepting how it is until the change has suddenly occured while I was living life one day at a time.  So simple, really.  But I make it hard for myself by forgetting that. 

I just want "it all" now... You know, everything.  I want everything NOW & by God I think I deserve to have it all by now.  Hmmmm.  Well that's just not my fate's agenda, I still have much work to do, more lessons to go thru & a ton more to learn. sigh.  Damn.  Does it ever get easier?  Probably not. 

Well it DOES, I just tend to forget how hard/bad things really used to be back in my youth.  I'm rambling so I'll stop now & get on with what I meant to write about.

On 7/17th Doris & I celebrated 26 years!  It was a beautiful day complete with sleeping in, flowers, balloons, mushy meaningful cards, small, matching gold rose necklaces (rather erotic) & a day at the shore with our RV!  It was wonderful & so relaxing - just what I needed after a trip of grueling flying & having to fly out again the next day. 

We talked about how lucky we are to have found each other 26 yrs ago & how many changes we have gone thru, noting how much has still stayed the same.  I waded thru the water along the beach & felt renewed.  It was too cold to go into the waves even though the sun was shining high in a deep blue sky of wafting clouds.  Doris sat up on the boardwalk in our blue canvas chairs with the built in sun canopys peering thru her binoculars.

These 'mini vacations' are regenerating & the peace of the Ocean so calming.  I love my sweet, beautiful Doris more than anything or anyone.  I am so happy to be blessed with 26 years together!  I am such a lucky woman.

And so is she.

2 Weeks Later

Good grief, it's been 2 weeks since my last entry.  I've flown 3 trips since my buddie's last retirement trip, which was bitter sweet.  I think I'm REALLY ANGRY & I feel left behind somehow.

Of course, it's my own damn fault (well, & Doris' fault too) that my financial situation is basically fucked & I have to keep working.  Mainly really Doris' fault.  My credit card bills are not insurmountable, I can pay them (there are only 3) slowly.  D's, well forget it.  Don't really see a light at the end of that tunnel.  We just don't answer the phone when creditors call. 

Our 26 yr anniversary is coming up fast & I had wanted to get legally hitched on that date, but am too afraid I shall then be responsible for her bills if something should happen to her.  For sure they could take the house as both our names are on the deed whether we get civilized or not.  It's sad.

I have been eating again, shoving down feelings with food, but AT LEAST I have not gone back to chocolate, ice cream, cookies & sugar.  Am doing carbs, bread & too big portions.  I shall stop this too.  Dammit.  And I gotta start exercising again, but it's too swelteringly hot, plus I'm cranky & tired.

Okay now you see why I haven't written.  bitch bitch bitch.  sigh.

I flew back last night with huge, long gate holds & delays due to weather & got in around 0300a.  I'll be better when I get more sleep.  Also I'm going to WW tonight even tho' I KNOW I'll be over my weight limit &  therefore have to pay for the meeting.  Whatever.  Life goes on.

Okay, WW went okay, great in fact..  I lost .8 of a lb.  YEA!  that's almost a lb.  phew!  Didn't have to pay after all!  Well, I'm in a better mood, now!

Last Trip With Parilyn (Pam & Marilyn)

Okay, I've been off chocolate, ice cream, cookies & candy for a week. I do feel better (damn, that shit makes me dull & stupid...) but I only lost .2 of a lb at Weight Watchers weigh in yesterday.  Well, I was happy that at least I lost SOMEthing AND I got off the junk.  Man, sugar is SUCH a drug.  I want it.  At least I got a bit of a grip back, & well, practice makes perfect.

Tomorrow is the last flight I'll be taking with my flying partners that I triple buddy bid with.  It's bitter sweet.  I sure will miss those crazy bitches!  I'm dreading saying goodbye on sat night when we land back at Newark.  They won't let anyone give them a party, but I know some Flight Attendants have put up a banner for them in operations & 2 journals are being passed around for all to write comments & their fond farewells.  I bought Pam a ton of dark chocolate (she's a chocoholic!)  I bought Marilyn a ton of red wine (she's a ..well, nevermind.. she thinks we don't know.)  Of course, I got funny cards.  This is going to be really hard.  Maybe I'll be better after they're gone & all this is over with.  But I still sure feel sorry for myself that I can't join them, ESP since I'm  a year plus senior to them both. 
WhatEVER......

Since I last wrote, 2 of Doris' grandsons have graduated High School.  I was in town for only one of their commencements, but I cried when I saw him marching into the auditorium in his blue robe & tossel cap.  Of course I took a ton of pictures.  I was SO proud & it is aways such a miracle! 

I remember back when I graduated high school, wow.  You never again feel that happy or brilliant EVER!  It's such a wonderful time.  So sad to loose that sweetness & naivete. And that feeling that the world is your oyster!  Well, actually being naive wasn't so great.  But I sure as hell am not that sweet anymore.

Out Of Control

I am gaining weight.  I am eating deserts, more to the point, ice cream & chocolate.  Even worse, tons of it; once I start I can't stop.  I have no fucking will power.  I did so well in loosing 52lbs with Weight Watchers, but I find maintaining that is harder even than trying to loose.  I have to get a grip & just stop.  Shut my trap & eat only healthy foods.  It gets so boring.

Here's the thing.  My 2 flying partners are retiring at the end of this month when the last one turns 60.  I can not afford to retire.  I feel so envious, jealous, once again like a failure.  I feel like all I do is fly my ass off, picking up extra trips for overtime trying to make ends meet.  It's really hard.  I try to be grateful that I have a job I like with people I love to work with (who are NOW leaving) & that I'm lucky!  But with Doris already retired 2years, not getting an extra job & she has so much credit card debt & not enough income from social security & retirement- I'm knocking myself out trying to hold it together. 

I am planning to hang in there for 2 more years until I'm 62 & can collect social security in order to suplement retirement & I know that 2 years will pass fast.  But seeing the end so near for my friends, it just seems unending & so unfair. 

On the positive side, there are still a LOT of great FA's to work with & I KNOW there will still be many happy times.  Laughing is the thing that gets us thru these days & trips.  I do see a light at the end of the tunnel. 

So I gotta get a grip here & stop eating crap.  Stop trying to stuff the feelings of anger & pain.  I've done it before, I know I can do it again.  I just have to DO IT.  Addiction is so shameful.  Esp if it's only food.

The Tony's

I was watching the Tony Awards tonight & when it started "A Chorus Line" was singing & dancing!  I started crying, singing along.  I always feel like SUCH a FAILURE since that is why I became a Stewardess in 68 - to get to NYC, study jazz ballet with Luigi & do Broadway chorus.  That was my huge goal in life. 

As it is, I still struggle to survive all the bad choices I made during my youth, thru out my life.  And unfortunately SEX, DRUGS & DISCO took my eyes off the prize & I've been dealing with the result of addictions since I finally faced them starting 27yrs ago. 

When I tearfully said to Doris "I'm such a Failure..." during one of the show's musical numbers, she said Don't feel bad Kathy, God's been VERY good to you.

She's right.  Case closed.

Not to mention, Doris fell down the steps about 0500am last night & we're SO LUCKY she didn't break anything & seems to be okay!  Phew!  Thank you God.
Scared me to death.

As far as Tony Soprano tonight - WTF???
shish.

Char Margolis

I had a famous Psychic on a flight, Char !
She was so nice, sweet & very high energy with a beautiful, warm smile.  She asked me if my mother's name was Ruth.  I said yes. Does she know I'm sorry?  The lady sitting next to her said yes, all mother's know that about their children.  Char was quiet then said NO!  SHE's the one who's sorry.  You have nothing to feel sorry about.  She was very unhappy & made your life miserable. (tears started falling from my eyes.)  She  was vain & self centered & so narcissistic.  She is VERY sorry.  I said she was very mean.  Then thank you So MUCH, is she okay?  Char nodded yes & said she's okay, but she's about here, (& she held her had below her face) she's working her way up here (& she held her hand above her head.)  She's working it off.  My makeup was getting really messed up from my tears, I said THANK you & walked 3 rows up into the galley to blot my face.  She got up & came by touching my arm saying are you all right?  I said yes, thank you I am so grateful!  She said frowning & shaking her head, your mother was really terrible I'm so sorry you had such a childhood & went towards the lav.  I smiled & said she was difficult.

It was ALL SO COOL!  I felt SO validated.  I Knew I wasn't crazy, people used to act as if I was so wrong when I became jubilent when she died.  It was a good closure.  I am SO LUCKY she gave me that reading!