A Day To Dream

Oh what a Beautiful Sunday!
Sunshine & a warm breeze!
 
First, Doris went on a bus ride to Pa with the choir & wont be back till 10pm.  I didn't have to go because I am too tired getting in so late last night.  Well, I cOULD have gone, but I don't like the damn bus trips to sing at another church in another state.  It takes the whole damn day.  Thank God D didn't make me feel guilty.  So I stayed in bed, read the Sunday papers & then went to this big victorian house for sale around the corner & just stayed there for 2 hrs checking it out & trying to figure out a way to get it.  There's a lot there that would be great for Doris & I...  but it's raggedy & broken down ,, so it's a big money pit.  sigh.  Plus we're broke.  It's just so pretty on the outside.  But the inside is shot.  I think the lesson to learn here is to be grateful & happy with what you already have!

Now it's almost time for Desperate Housewives & The Sopranos!!!  I LOVE TV!

BTW, I am no longer able to leave comments on blogger.  I don't know why.  It keeps telling me I put in the wrong password, but I don't.  WTF??  I am reading all your blogs, but can no longer comment.  Baffling.  I don't get it.

Oh yeah, had Harry Hamlin on my flight the other night.  My God, he is fucking handsome!  And VERY polite. A nice man.

Feeling Fat Again

Just had 2 days off.  It goes by so fast.  On the last flight I popped the front button off my uniform pants.  Luckily it didn't put out anyone's eye.  Too much laying around for 3 weeks flipping channels, sleeping & no exercise.  Damn.  I HATE EXERCISE,  but I've gained some weight back.  So I got my sluggish butt back to Curves yesterday & today.  And I am starting to track the food I'm eating again.  Summer's almost here.  Gotta get a grip.

Same Song Second Verse

That last trip didn't work out because of a mechanical.  So I picked up another trip to Lax today..  which means I'll be flying 2 2day trips back to back...  sat/sun then mon/tue. 
Oh joy, oh rapture.
Talk at y'all in 4 days.

So Much For Rest!

Well, so much for rest & no stress...
Cleared the sick list mon night & am flying out tomorrow(thur)!  I'm glad I'm better.  But damn, I sure wish I could afford to retire - the time off was necessary. 

I'm sure Doris is probably happy I'll be going back to work.  Although, we managed to get along really well every minute for 3 weeks in a row - which was the best thing, I know it will be nice to have a hotel room to myself tomorrow night! 

Last night I dreamed I missed my sign in & my supervisor called to wake me up.  BOY was I relieved when I realized it was just a dream.  phew!  The STRESS is back already!

Another Week Off

So okay, here's the thing.  It seem the virus has gone up into my ears, hence, the dizzyness & keeling over thing.  Went back to the Dr & she said come back in a week.  It's not terrible, but I obviously can't fly with the chance of being dizzy or falling.  Meanwhile, it's really good to REST!  I'm not worried because I am feeling better.  And I am going to start weaning down on the dizzy meds. 
 
Here is something to amuse you all, much to my chagrin.  I am on this elist that is all my old Texas high school gang from the 60's.  We email back & forth & chat about stuff that comes up in our lives & I enjoy that!  My best friend Tina wrote me a long email & I was SO excited to hear from her that I didnt even notice that it was on the "gradslist," That's how out of it I've been.  Well I wrote her a long letter from my ping pong stream of consciousness that contained stuff I should have kept private-just between the 2 of us (thought I was doing that,) but it actually went out over the Whole Fucking high school class (1965) list.  I was mortified, but well, there it was, there was nothing I could do.  What a dunce.  I am an idiot!  Here is only HALF of that email.  Good grief!...

"I was SO GLAD to hear from you, thanks for writing.  I miss you & think of you often.  Especially when I hear all the songs from yesteryear.  They remind me of eVERyTHING about our childhood.  Sometimes I want to cry, it all seems so long ago. I dont feel like I've accomplished much in my life & 60 is really coming up fast.  I can't believe you are already there!  

I can't believe that 60yrs ago your mother & daddy were young & had their first babygirl!  I wonder if my birth mother is even still alive.  It's wierd once your parents die, I feel like I was such a bad daughter.  When she was alive, I spent so much time hating her & resenting her for being so fucked up.  Now I wish I had been nicer to her. 

She did afterall adopt me & try her best...  Even though she was so bad it made me NEVER want to have kids, I never wanted to be hated as much as I hated her.  I regret that.  Not that I didnt have kids, because like you, I'm SO grateful that I didnt fuck up an innocent being, the buck stopped with me. 

I just regret that I couldnt have turned out better.  Not that I turned out like shit, because of course I'm divine!   BUT I just seem to constantly think about her/them & all they did try to do for me to make my life wonderful.  and certainly I have never lived as well as I did when I was with them, I have never been able to make as much money to live as well.

I dont think Alan wastes time thinking & worrying about all this.  He is very positive & sweet, even though he barely lives above poverty level with his wife of 12yrs that has come down with MS.  I havent seen them for about 5 years because last time I felt I would never go back since they BOTH STILL SMOKE, & therefore they stink, their house stinks, their car stinks.  Pisses me off.  He no longer blows glass since his wife cant help him.  So he is now a carpenter.  I worry about him.  He doesnt waste time with regrets, however he has also always lived in denial.  Easier that way I guess.

His wife Annie still doesnt thrill me.  But oh well, I dont thrill her either.  I've tried to be friendly & get close, but she is just not interested.  She doesnt like me.  They are very simple people, no TV & they read to each other every night.  She makes beautiful glass beads & sells them on eBay.  People call him to fix stuff in their house.  Also he has made some beautiful furniture.  

I should go see him, I shouldnt be so snarky about thier dumbass smoking. What if he suddenly dies, I would feel so sorry I hadnt visited.  I shall make it a point once the weather gets better.  Cousin Eleanore just died last month & I felt so sad I had never even driven to pittsburgh to visit her.  But she & her husband are born again & bigtime into the bible & believe homosexuality is a sin.  So I certainly didnt feel like traveling all that way to deal with that shit.  Now I'm sorry.  And I thought about Alan & not seeing him for so long.

Anyway, if it sounds like Im depressed, I suppose I am.  Hopefully when the summer & sun comes, I'll get over the sun deprevation of these eastern winters.  It's no joke! 

Hope you are well.
Love ya loads,
Kathy"


Oh. My. GOD.
Can You believe I wrote about hating my mother, disliking my brother's wife & hating their (& anyone's) smoking, blowing off poor Cousin Eleanore before she died, feeling depressed & sent it over the internet?  I also wrote about overeating, trying to maintain control over gorging food down my gullet, a classmate that had passed away, (actually that's how this whole letter started...) Can't remember the whole thing, but what a disaster. 

So I sat back & waited for comments & replies, & would you believe besides one good friend who wrote to me personally that I sure could write about my feelings, NOBODY else responded.  They must have all been so embarrrassed for me that I wrote all that, or maybe just shocked.  ha!  Oh my gosh.  I gotta pay more attention to the return email address when I write & click send.  I was mortified...  It's pretty funny, tho.

Still Sick

Went to the Dr yesterday.  She gave me a script for dizzyness.  It is making me sleepy. AS IF I need anything to sleep all day.  I have a trip tomorrow which I can not take since I'm still not well, so guess I'll be sleeping thru the weekend. 

I always worry about getting fired from my job, even after all these years...(38yrs 5months).  But I'm sure they would love to fire me since I'm so senior.  Seems you always are just waiting for the shoe to drop!  It's ridiculous.  They harrass you for all kinds of shit.  If you call in sick & you're out for over 7 days they count it as TWO sick instances.  When you get 2 sick instances you then get a stupid letter saying you are on their bad list & one more sick call, you could be fired.  They make it so bad that many of us fly sickly, in which case you contaminate others.  It's so stupid.  Anyway, I do have a Dr to fall back on here, & hopefully I wont get sick again for a year.  But how the hell do you ever know when you're going to fall ill?  Airline management are not nice people to work for.

I have only boring entries right now.  Sorry.
Thanks for everyone's good wishes.
At least I don't seem to be barfing my guts up all the time anymore.  Yay!  Therefore I am grateful!!!!!

Recovering hopefully

So I'm feeling a bit better, but not 100%
I have NO energy.
And I'm dizzy.
Alot.
(No wisecracks from the peanut gallery over there.)
I guess I'm going to have to go to the Dr.
I so hate moving.
I just want to lie there & sleep all day.
This thing sure takes a toll on the ole bod. 
Aging sucks, I feel sure I'd bounce back more easily if I were younger.

Last night I dreamed I was writing a book all night.
When I woke up I was so dissappointed because I had nothing to show for it.  And couldn't remember any of my brilliance.  Such a drag. 

On The Sick List

Oh Man, I got SO sick yesterday...  Still am.  Not good. Thought I might get over it overnight, but alas...  I was so dizzy I could barely sit on the throne... Jeeze I was sick...TOO sick to even think about the fucking computer...  Got the runs & the barfs...  had to call in SICK for my trip today.  DAMN.  What.a.drag.  I NEVER call in sick.  But seeing that I was basically laying on the cold bathroom floor in sweat half the night, I knew I'd never make it down the aisle the next day without keeling over. Can't figure out if this is food poisoning, a virus or a flu.  How do you tell? 

Anyone have any idea how long this shit lasts???

Frickin' Slush

OMG!  I had a damn flight to LA today.  Of course they wouldn't cancel it even tho' the snow & sleet was blowing down like sharp hypodermic needles. 

So off I go in full make-up/fa drag regalia driving 20-30mph cautiously thru the storm & wind. Took forever, but angels saved me a few time when I started to slide off the road, thank you God, Goddess, Universe.

Trudged thru the employee parking lot nasty snow slop to the stupid bus shelter, patiently waiting for the damn "A" bus. 

Got to the terminal finally, drug to operations to sign in... & what do ya think?  CANCELLED! 

My flight (hell every flight) was finally cancelled.  Of course I had to sit around a few hours before crew schedule finally released me.  dang. 

So off I went, schlepping my crap back to the bus & car, & slowly proceeded on my way thru the fucking winter wonderland that we call weather (DURING FUCKING RUSH HOUR!) home to my Poochie's arms. 
phew! 
Alleluia.

The good news, I have sat off now.  The bad news, I had to pick up another trip on sunday to make up the time.  Gotta stay grateful for a job.
sigh.

I Love Rosie

I love Rosie O'Donnell. 
I thinks she's brave.
I know she's loud, but I usually agree with her. 
She can speak for me as a gay woman because I'm pissed off, too.

I just don't understand it...  there are so many dykes that don't like her.  I read it in their blogs.  I dont' get it.  Why not?  I mean, everybody has a right to dislike somebody & there are many people I seriously can't stand.  But Rosie?  What's so terrible?  She cracks me up & for me The View has never been better.

Even Doris doesn't care for Rosie.  But she doesn't like Ellen either, much.  She laughs everytime Ellen does her dancing & talks about how white folks can't dance.  I think E is pretty good at it.  I try to support all our lesbians in the media.  There's just not enough of them. 

I Have A Sinus Migraine

Oh my gosh.  Last night was SO windy that the turbulence shook my brains up on landing.  That kind of stuff turns you green it's all I can do to keep from hurling, which would be most embarasing strapped into the jumpseat in from of 150 people. Then the employee parking lot (at the edge of the field) was freezing cold, the wind chill beyond bad!!

When I woke up I had a sinus migraine.  It was SO painful I thought I'd throw up.  I took some Motrin sinus/headache tabs.  Later took an Advil Migraine capsule.  Luckily now I only have a small headache. I am resting now.

What do you do for Sinus Migraines???
Any suggestions?

Better Now

Okay, I'm a happy woman now.  Pictures are starting to get posted & I don't feel so left out.  It's amazing how easy it is to feel close to so many bloggers.  I really enjoy my lesbian blog group & now I see what they look like!!  Yep, I was right, Goddess Bloggers - all of 'em!  And Sassy, you & Fran have a beautiful home.  Simply divine!  Wow.

Sorry I was so impatient.  Impatience is better in flower beds.  (grin.) 

I went to a new female doctor today.  She is really nice & nurturing.  She called me sweetie & even tho' she was only 2 yrs older than me, I felt calm by that.  My last dr was so young and sorta snippy & afraid to do anything wrong.  I lost my trust/faith in her.  We'll see how this one goes.  She was kind. 

Oh, & this is for all the party bloggers..........

              V A G I N A  !!!

I'm Cranky

Okay, I'm dissappointed.  Seems there are some folks from the blog meet that don't want their pictures posted.  I have been waiting, just dying to see all the pics of the crazy, fun weekend I missed.  sigh. 

Why, I wonder- would I not want my picture posted with all these wonderful women?  Thank GOD I don't have to worry about folks knowing I'm a lesbian.  Gee whilikers, that's a heavy albatross - having to hide the real me. 

Well, let it be known to all the bloggerdykes that they all look like Goddesses in my imagination.  If pictures never get posted I'll just have to close my eyes & imagine. 
But damn.
I'm annoyed.

I get that way with Doris wanting to stay in the closet when we go to church.  She just doesn't think it's necessary to be a screaming "out" dyke.  Of course, everyone there KNOWS we're gay & they are nice to us.  Still, it's not a gay church, so she doesn't feel comfortable.  She would have done well in the army with the 'don't ask don't tell' policy. 

Not I.  I am PROUD to be a dyke.  And anyone, including any job, boss, preacher, teacher, neighbor, family -whomever- that doesn't like it can just shove it up their ass & twirl.  It get's me angry that we have been made to feel so scared & inferior to have to hide our true essence. 

But that's just me. 
And I'm old.
And cranky.
And I just say FUCK that shit.

However, Doris prefers that I don't fly the Rainbow Flag at our front door.
So be it.
I put up a double red heart wreath on the side door.
Compromise.  It beats a lonely bed.
heh heh.
I'm cranky, not crazy.
- well usually not.

It's just that with meeting Max & Elizabeth (which by the way I would NOT have recognized had I NOT seen their PICTURES from their blogs... aHEM!...) well - I was just SO FREAKIN' EXCITED to see everyone ELSE I missed that I could hardly contain myself.  I get like that.  I was way up, high on excitement ~ now the wind is out of my sails.  Maybe I'm bipolar.  I'll get over it.  WhatEVER.  I think it blows.
 

I met eb & Max!

I was so excited today!  Doris & I drove into the City where we actually met Elizabeth & Max for dinner!  I have always enjoyed their blogs, in fact eb was my first favorite blog that made me crack up with laughter, & from which I linked onto Syd (another riot & fave blog,) Sassyfemme, Weese, Suburban Lesbian & other fine dyke bloggers (that I can not live a day without checking to see if they've added yet, more pearls of wisdom!)  It was SO great to actually be sitting across from Elizabeth & Queen Maxine, I love to be around Lesbians in longterm relationships!

Time flew since we'd only put 4 quarters in the fucking meter, I don't even remember eating.  We went to Manatus  in the w.Village where D & I always used to eat when I lived upstairs on Christopher St.
 Friendly vibes & frivolity ensued!  I so enjoyed it!

Tomorrow a bunch of the gang are traveling to Conn. to party at Sassy's abode.  Bloggers are coming in from everywhere!  Unfortunately I won't be one of them & I can't believe I am going to miss out on meeting so many of my FAVORite blog dykes.  Damn.  I just have to trust in the universe that there will be another get together that will be easier for me to attend, maybe in NYC in warmer weather. 

Y'all have a great time.  boo hoo hoo.

Friday

Since I had to fly out on the 14th, Fri was our Valentine's celebration & we went to 3 movies.

First was Daddy's Little Girls which was so GREAT!!! 

2nd was Because I said so which was silly, but Diane Keaton's clothes are fun.  I fell asleep.

3rd was Hannibal Rising (okay Doris wanted to see this - she's a Silence of the Lambs person) & it was booring. 

Picked up Bahaa Fresh, came home & got in bed!!

Bed is still the best place ever.

Happy Valentines

Happy Sweetheart's Day!

My Doris is laying right next to me in bed here!  It is SO windy & sleeting on top of last night's snowfall.  The heat is working & we have food in the fridge!  These "little things" mean A LOT!  Went to the grocery store (do they still call it that?) & stocked up yesterday.  Got a GIANT heart balloon - when you tap it flashing red lights come on & it plays "I think I love you" by the Partridge Family haha!  Cracks me up.  Got red roses & 2 valentine cards for my lady.  No jewelry or baubles or even stuffed animals today.  Maybe there will be more funds next year.  But thank God we got the necessities & each other!  Amen.


Now, if they'll just CANCEL my flight today so I can STAY HOME.  dang.  They've cancelled all the morning trips, but NoooOOOOoooo, not mine at 500pm.  crap. 

avatars.yahoo.com

I finally have an Avatar, Sassy helped me get it under my 'all about me' area.  She's a frickin' computer genius, but well - we all know this by now.  I had been seeing these cartoon ladies on many blogs lately, but they are all on Blogger... which I obviously am not.  So I just couldn't figure out HOW to add one..  Good ole' Sassyfemme to the rescue!  Now I have my own cartoon with a snarl.

Been flying a lot, good trips thank the Goddess.  Had Bernadette Peters onboard & she was really sweet.  Very nice, a bit reserved, focused on reading a script of Pal Joey which she is considering.  I actually got a bit tongue-tied at one point trying to chat, normally I am always very cool, but she is SO talented.  Broadway, such a charge!

I am really tired of being/feeling broke.  Seriously.  I am trying to figure out how to make more money.  Any suggestions?  I have a Real Estate license with Century21, but I'm not doing that because I really don't have the energy &/or time while flying so much to make overtime.  I don't enjoy it & it is a LOT of hard work with often unpleasant (esp other realtors) people.  Then, I sold Arbonne Swiss Skin care which I have a website for at the bottom right under advancedbeauty.  It is REALLY great skin care, but I am not one to follow up after giving/sending samples because I am of the attitude it you want it fine, if you don't - well, you're possibly an idiot.  So I don't ever push it...  Some other FA's have started to sell it & they are extremely pushy & forceful in their approach & therefore have become real successful at it.  Me, not so much.  I'm really of the mind that if a person WANTS this they shall buy it...  Since we don't make that much money, I respect that others might not have the funds so I don't bug them with follow-up calls.  At any rate, it is not the best work choice for me either, I guess. 

Perhaps I am just too tired (after all is said & done) after flying my ASS off all over creation & back. 
I do need some sleep here & there. 
Like now for example.

I'm Okay, You're Okay

This past trip was SO much better than the last.  I feel loved. 

Call me Sally Fields, but it's good to remember (Most) folks I work with really like me.  They dig me, they think I'm funny & there is common respect.  Half even chime in when I start swearing like a sailor & the other half crack up laughing & tolerate it. 

You know, I'm too old to really care about this crap & normally I don't.  Last trip just caught me off gaurd because I wasn't aware that my flying partner of the month was two-faced.  Whatever.

Now I know.  And life goes on.

A Lousy Endng to a Great Trip

It's always so good to get back home.  I swear, sometimes it's all I can do to get thru the end of a trip.  Usually it's great.  But last trip I had to deal with 2 younger flight attendants that basically just had no respect (for older female fa's & definately not for me.)  It became just seriously tedious in the end.  Nothing the psgrs noticed or knew about.  Just subtle bullshit & big time attitude.  I felt angry, and today I just feel bad.  It's unusual because I generally get along well with everybody.  Even if I don't really care for them.

One person I feel hurt by because I'd worked with her all month & I thought we'd gotten along fine, we definately worked great services together. This trip  there was a  girl I'd never worked with before on the crew list that hit it off real well with her.  Nothing wrong with that, but the attitude they generated together was rather obnoxious ( in my opinion,)  I chalked it up to youth & remembered how I used to do crazy stuff back in the day.  For example, they went out late into the night for dinner with a cousin that had been along on the flight & didn't get back till around 0300a. (which was 0600a our body time being based in NY.)  I could never do that now!  But there was a time we all used to be able to do that... ...Stay out all night & go right on to work with out much sleep!

Anyway the girls had bonded & were close (they had only just met on the flight) & to me they seemed to bring out such snarky pretention in each other.  I wasn't the only old fart on the crew, there was another but they didn't talk much to her either.  A fifth was in the middle of our ages & she got along with all of us. 

It was just unusual, that kind of shit never happens, at least it hasn't up until now.  The good thing about this job is that trip is OVER, I have different people to work with next month & I probably won't have to work with those 2 again (at least not together) since they're so junior to me.

I suppose I should mention how most FA's wish we old farts would retire so they could hold the trips we bid.  They will even "joke" with us about it "are you guys EVER going to retire & give us a chance at the primo trips? hahaha."  (Yeah, as IF those of us who DON't quit could afford towith what they pay us now.)  But it is rare that I've actually had to deal with such bitchy attitudes from young women I work with.  In fact, generally I feel nurturing to them.  Almost always I feel respect from & for them.

I shall stop obsessing over it all now.  Rant over.  Moving on.  sigh.

A Meme From Suzanne & Kim

1. The phone rings. Who are you hoping it is? Doris or my brother Alan.
2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart? Sometime I do, sometime I DON"T!
   


3. In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener?  Listener first. if I'm interestred I'll join in, if not I'll walk away.
   


4. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive? I don't think so, but I would really TRY.
   


5. Do you like to ride horses? Not anymore since I left Texas in the 60's.  But I USED to barrel ride & jump low fences when I was young!  I LOVE HORSES.  I think my back might go out if I rode now.  They are such beautiful animals!
   


6. Did you ever go to camp as a kid? Yes I LOVED CAMP!!!  Did YMCA camp & Girl Scout camp until I was too old & they made me be a jr. counslor.  I was a life gaurd at GS camp.  Doris & I used to camp in the Poconos until the Arian Supremists scared us away.
   


7. What was your favorite board game as a kid? I didn't like board games, but the family played Clue & Monnoply.  (can't spell it.)
   


8. If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was taken what would you do? RUN like hell.  I don't need trouble.
   


9. Are you judgmental? Yes.  sorry.
   


10. Would you date someone with different religious beliefs? Yes. 
    


11. Are you continuing your education? No.  Wish I had the energy, money & desire.  Other than that, the school of life goes on.
    


12. Do you know how to shoot a gun? I have shot skeet in texas, but that was a rifle.  Shot a magnum 247 or something like that around the same time.  Hated it, & the kick back hurt my wrist.  If I had a gun, I'm afraid I just might use it because I get pissed.  I sorta like the small ones with pearl handles, but I'm afraid of guns.
    


13. If your house was on fire, what's the first thing you'd grab? My dog & 2 cats, then all my photos from childhood till now.
14. How often do you read books? Not so often, self help if any.
    


15. Do you think more about the past, present or future? The past.  I have to work on that.
    


16. What is your favorite children's book? Nancy Drew series.
    


17. How tall are you? 5' 7"
    


18. Where is your ideal house located?  Somewhere with trees & water!  Wish we could afford it.
    


19. Last person you talked to? Doris!
    


20. When was the last time you were at Olive Garden? A year or 2.  Not my favorite, I prefer The Macaroni Grill.
    


21. What are your keys on your key chain for? House, 3 cars, jetbridge & crew lounge, onboard defibulator
    


22. What did you do last night? Flew in late, watched 2 TV movies with Doris, drove to a burning restaurant in the neighborhood, got to sleep at 0700a.
    


23. Where is your current pain at [sic]? I have a constant neck & shoulder crick on the right side.(muscle spasms)
    


24. Do you like mustard? No, unless it's mixed with ketchup, but usually no.
    


25. Do you like your mom or dad? Loved them both, but liked my Daddy.
    


26. How long does it take you in the shower? If I'm doing the shower then I'm washing my hair which takes forever with conditioners etc, cause it's long past my shoulderblades.  I prefer baths for 10 or 15 minutes.
    


27. What movie do you want to see right now? The Queen.  I'm pissed that Dream Girls wasn't nominated for an emmy.
    


28. Do you put lotion on your dog or cats? No.
    


29. What did you do for New Year's? Went to a lovely midnight dinner down the street with mainly gay/lesbian & gay friendly folks.
    


30. Do you think The Grudge was scary? What is that?  The grudges I hold are scary & a waste of time & energy.
    


31. Do you own a camera phone? Yup.
    


32. Who did you vote for on American Idol? All the ones I like, not just one.  But I haven't seen it yet this year.
33. What is the last initial of your middle name? e
    

Doris' bDay!

Yesterday was Doris' Birthday.  Girlfriend turned 71, yep seventyfuckingONE!!!  Damn, she looks SO damn good, no one would even think she was even 50.  Luckily I had gotten out of my last trip so I had time to get hot pink roses, big balloons, good mushy cards & a pretty gold chain.  She was pleased when she woke up & went downstairs & saw all that set up for her.  Yea, I did good!

We layed around in bed all day (MY favorite sport!) & watched Little Miss Sunshine (dang, that was sweet) & other movies because it was SO COLD out. 

Then got up & went to dinner with her favorite sister at a wonderful restaurant.
Came home & watched TV & the L Word rerun.  Dang, that Papi is one sexy Latino player. 

I feel grateful for Doris' 71 years, that there is even a program like The L Word in this day & age, and that our furnace is working full blast!  It is fucking freezing out!

Too Tired!

Have Mercy!
I am in the middle of another 6 day siege.  Just flew in LATE last night & flying out again today...  Am supposed to fly back out AGAIN after I return tomorrow night.

Well.
I am Broke Poor, so I scheduled my flying like that to make a lot of overtime.  It seemed like a good idea at the moment. 
Uh.  I don't know HOW I thought I could do it twice in a row (3 2-day trips back to back TWICE.)  (12 days out of 14.) 

Dang, I must have thought I was in my 30's again for a hallucinating moment.  I am fiftyfuckingNINE.  shit.  I can't do this.  I am turning fucking elderly more by the minute, esp working like such a nutcase. 
My resistance is dwindling & I'm taking Airbornne by the box.

I am hoping a fellow Flight Attendant will pick up my trip on thurs.  Then I plan to sleep 48 solid hours.  (Oh sure, as if I don't already wake up to pee every 3 hrs as it is.) 

I'm exhausted.

My entries have become booring.
Oh, here's a good one;
Had the Subway Hero onboard the other day.  Man, he was brave, huh?
Also had Chad Lowe, (SO sweet, so kind), Andre' Braugher, very classy & that gorgeous male model Tyson Beckford - also very nice.  Damn - his lips & eyes are really something!  (But he grew a skraggley goatee that looks like crap.)  Goatees suck.  No matter how you spell it.  Such a shame to mess up such a beautiful face with pubic looking hair.  ugh.

(Nothing against pubic hair in it's right place!) or the right woman's pubs in my face!

Can I get an Amen?

Another Crappy Movie

Today we went to see Perfume, The Story Of a Murderer. 
Y A W N.
I mean REALLY.  So fucking booring & possibly the stupidest movie ever.  The dumbass man goes around killing women to bottle their scents.  In the end when he is to be hung for the murders, he releases this bottle with a combination of all their scents to the throngs standing around to see him die & they all become overcome with LOVE, strip naked & have a mega orgy right there in the town square.  So dumb.

Then saw Stomp the Yard.  It was actually great.  D & I were truly old fogies in a packed theatre of young kids watching fraternity students at a black college in Atlanta compete crumping & stomping.

Then watched 30 minutes of Primeval where a humongous alligator was chasing & eating everyone around.  (Doris likes that shit.) 

Well, back home in bed now & we're watching a rerun of last week's L Word, which is Better than anything I've seen since Dream Girls last week!

Movie Review

Just flew 6 days in a row.  I am SO too old to do that now.  I can barely move, but I did manage to go to Curves this morning.  You always wonder if it is doing any good.  I guess it's better than not doing any kind of exercise.

Well, tonight we went to see Notes On A Scandle with Judy Densch & Cate Blanchet.
HATED IT.
Of course the acting was GOOD with those two. 
But the story truly sucked for me. 

I went to see Dame Judy playing a Lesbian but damn, she was such a horrible, old preditor type.  And speaking of preditors, Blanchette was a teacher fucking a 15 year old boy (her student)  thru the whole thing.  Talk about seriously sickening. 

This movie got 4 whole stars.  wierd.  I did not find this entertaining.  I am so annoyed & dissappointed.  Perhaps it's just me. 

I say PeeeeeeUUUU!

RHS60'grads list

I went to high school in Texas in the 60's.  Many from that school are on an email chat list.  It's a great, easy way to keep up with old schoolmates that you never see.  Interestingly enough, thru all the class reunions we've had, I've gotten to know folks I wasn't even close to in school & also enjoyed reconnecting with old friends (uh, Girl Scout Troop, drill team etc.)  Since we're all (supposedly) grown ups now, the dynamics are Quite different & much better... to say they least. 

Anyway....  Most of us are turning 60 this year, so we've been discussing our feelings on that, as well as being 59.  Here is my blurb on the subject:

  59 is just okay for me.
  Not great,
  Not lousy,
  Somewhere in between...
  Somewhere in the limbo of making it thru  the 50's (wait, didn't we do that   already after 1949?)
  And getting ready to step over the threshold into the 60's,
  Which from this point for me looks like a last chance for a big Hoorah...
  Before I turn 70 & get ready to shrivel up into elder care somewhere...   NOT!!

  Well, the 1960's were good to us (uh... some of the time)
  So hopefully our 60's will also be great... (Yeah sure, what am I -   hallucinating??)
  Albeit a different kind of adventure, that's for sure!

                                       ............
As I'm typing, Nancy Pelosi is being sworn in as Speaker of the House, my eyes are tearing up.  Man, have we come along way!  I am bursting with gratitude.  Thank you, God.

OFF TO A GOOD START

This was my day:

Went to Curves (it was closed for the day)

Picked up 4 cartons of eggs from the Egg Farm

Went to Shopright (it was closed for the day)

Went to Petco/ bought dog food, cat food & kitty litter ($65 fucking dollars)

Went to CVS, bought nail polish remover & The Post for Doris

Went to Sis' to search for D's missing keys in Sis's car.
(they weren't there.)

Came home

TOOK DOWN ALL THE OUTDOOR XMAS LIGHTS (it was drizzeling) & PUT THEM IN THE GARAGE!  (I am SO proud I did this already!  Usually I'd wait till Feb/march.)

Emptied trashes & bottles

Put Dog food, Cat food, Kitty Litter in their bins.

Went to movies (The Good Shepard) with Doris.
(ate a damn ton of pop corn.)

Went to drug store & bought GasX & Stool Softeners.
(HAHAHAHAHAHA)  (Don't want to fart stink bombs when I get back on the plane tomorrow.)  (GasX turns your shit into blocks of cement, thus the softener... hehe!)  (Hey, you can't strike matches on a plane, have ya heard???)  (Shut UP, it's brilliant.)

Came home & Blogged

Watched CSI Miami & fell asleep.

Happy 2007!

Another Inventory

I'm sitting here (D went to church,) taking inventory of 2006 trying to think of something uplifting because for some reason I could so easily slip into depression.  (I'm trying not to panic here, let me stay positive.)  I put on some good gospel music, that should help!

I find my own blog to be a great tool in the  perspective of where I've been & where I'm going.  Guess it's 'cause I don't remember much lately.  Never the less, I've been reading back thru this year. 

Guess I've done okay.  But next year in 2007 I hope I get my money problems under control.  It's ridiculous & embarrassing that at this age I am so broke.  Also, I should go to dr's & a dentist, I've managed to go thru the year with good enough health not to bother.  Not too smart, but better finances will help with that.  Thank you God, Goddess, Universe for great health!!

I notice that not too many blog folks in relationships write about any problems they are going thru like I have.  Surely their lives can't be ALL so happy & sunshiney?  Then again, maybe they really are totally ecstatic with each other everyday!  

I definately DO feel that way with Doris quite often, however I notice I tend to write more when I've hit those chords of discontent.  Doris is just generally happy-go-lucky, outwardly sweet to everyone, always positive & feeling blessed.  It is a great way to be...  albeit a bit like living in denial for me.  Ha.  Wish I was more like her.  I just think too much.  She really tries more not to think, by constantly having TV or stereo going, sometimes both at the same time, (argh, too noisey for me...) or reading 2 or 3 daily newspapers.

She remaines calm to keep her blood pressure down, & I'd do well to learn that  trick.  I brood more & feel deeply. 

She is really FUNNY & makes me laugh, which is the most important thing in a relationship as far as I'm concerned. That & trust not to be fucked around on.  Hate THAT. 

Doris can COOK!  And she cleans like a white tornado in record speed!  I burn hard boiled eggs & after I spend a whole day "cleaning up" the place still looks as messy & disheveled as ever. 

Oh, and she is exquisitely beautiful & ALWAYS lookslike a fashion plate stepping right off the pages of Vogue.  Even in her jeans.  Me?  I USED to be like that but prefer my baggy sweats & no makeup at this stage of life.  (I do force myself to gussie up since she likes it, tho'.)

That is getting easier to do again since I've dropped all this weight.  Which brings me to my greatest accomplishment this year...  Getting rid of 53 lbs of dead flubber thru Weight Watchers & Curves.  Now if I can just maintain this thru the next year & stay on 'lifetime member' I will be proud.  I am so relieved not to appear fat to others, I was ashamed.  Doris never made me feel bad about it, though.  She always said she loved me no matter what. 

Most the time I believed her.  I just didn't love myself.  It's hard to do, being such a perfectionist. 

Tonight we are going to a New Year's Eve dinner party down the street at the home of nice gay men!  I am looking fwd to it.  They have it every year, & the people there are always nice & mainly from the Gay church, MCC.  It's a GREAT way to start out the new year!

Happy New Year, Y'all! 
Be safe out there.

Lazy Day!

Just layed around in bed ALL day, reading the papers, napping, watching Lifetime TV movies, totally relaxing.  It was glorious,  Finally got up & had a delicious dinner at Charlie Brown's.  Life is good here in my little corner of the world.  Thank you, Jesus!  Alleluia & Amen.

Two days ago we had the youngest grandson here again.  Doris was cooking in the kitchen & I had come dowstairs to spend time watching TV with the kid & to be close to them.  At one point I had asked him to turn the volume down a little, (it was blaring.)  Doris started saying 'he's just minding his business, not bothering anyone, leave him alone, go back upstairs,..'  I got up went up to her in the kitchen & said do you enjoy putting me down in front of your grandson, is this fun to you? You always do this in front of your kids & grandkids.  She was like, why are you bothering him, I said I came down to be with him, to be with you both..  Are you getting off on this? I turned around & went up to feed the animals. She was saying no, I didn't mean anything by it, denying any problem.  I put the dog on the leash & walked out the door saying you do this everytime, you did it last time in front of all of them.  I came back & dinner was ready & she said she was sorry, she didn't mean anything by it.  The night continued on & we took the young one home. 

Back in bed, everything was fine.  It was SO great to be just alone in the house with her again.  Yesterday was great.  And then today was so mellow. 

I'm going to have to have a conversation with her about putting on a united front & supporting each other, a concept she has obviously yet to consider.  I'll just have to choose that time wisely so as not to start WW3.

Still Chillin'

Still Chillin', made it thru Christmas with only the grandkids, none of the (adult) kids or the annoying sister showed up because of teeming rain & travel time. It was  wonderful with the good sister & her immediate family & grandkids!  No big drama or bullshit.  Cool.

Still, I got off my food plan & ate everything in sight, & I had NO control over eating desserts & went crazy with red velvet cake.  Geesh, pathetic.  Whatever.  Today I got up first thing & went to Curves, & plan to every day the rest of the week. 

Got a bit upset today when taking the grandkids home, the younger one wanted to stay & Doris thought it was so cute & did not say no.  I socked her in the arm (oh great, now I'm hitting her) & said WE WERE GOING TO THE MOVIES, WE DISCUSSED THIS...  She said I just want peace, I said NO you don't, we already talked about this, so if you dont want to go to Dream Girls, fine.  She did tell the Grandkid he had to go home with his brother (they are 14 & 18) & we DID go see Dream Girls.  Which was So FABULOUS, by the way!!!! 

Doris will pick up the kid tomorrow & bring him back over.  Aunt Kathy here wanted a damn break. 

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays to One & All!

All's quiet on the Eastern front over here.  Usually I would agree with Bent over at Bent Fabric during this time of the season.  I have hated it for years & Cringe at the first Xmas trees, first commercials & HATE the damn music, man it has set me on the edge of STRESS & dread for decades now.  It hhas always meant too much to get done & not enough time to do it... 

But THIS Year has been different!  At first I was so SAD I was too broke to afford my 10 yearly photo albums & enlarge all the pics I've taken thru the year for D's family.  Too busted to even buy Doris a great gift. Too paralyzed to even get out my  annual  Xmas  Letters & picture cards.  sigh. 

Well, who knew it would free me to actually enjoy the holiday???  I am even relaxed.  I have just so far floated thru it all & even loved the festivities & parties.  In a few hours we shall pick up some grandkids & drive off of Burlington where we always congregate with major family & friends.  I'm not even worried.  Whatever!  I am along for the ride & shall take more pictures, hopefully for next Christmas. 

Stay tuned, I shall add to this later after midnight to talk of how it went! 
Meanwhile, have a wonderful day everyone!
I am planning on it.
xxoo smooches!

It's SO ANNOYING

Okay.  Has anyone else had this problem??
All of a sudden I am NOT able to leave comments on SO MANY blogs now.  I mean like, WHAT THE HELL???  Does anyone know what to do, IS there anything to do?  I'm merrily going along, reading my favorite folks, then click to comments & then get thrown out.  Afterwhich I have to shut my computer down & turn it back on.  Now this is fucked up, not to mention stupid as shit.  Sassy or Elizabeth, any suggestions? 

And if anyone can get to Tropopause please tell her the window shades need to be opened for takeoff & landing so we can assess conditions outside (ie FIRE!) in case of emergency landings...  I wouldn't want to open a door to evacuate if there are flames out there!!  I've tried to answer that from weeks ago.  She doesn't even have her email addy on her blog, or I would have personally sent her the answer.

Then please tell Queen Maxine at So Many Other Dreams that many airports have taken seating OUT so that homeless people can not sit & sleep...(SO SAD, but true...)

And if you can inform Zoe at Gaymo that I would NOT like to find out if Doris was fucking around on me.  (She's taking a poll..)  My ego is SO fragile (oh yeah, such a dainty little flower am I) that I would kill them both & leave.  After 25yrs together, I would miss her so much, I doubt I could go on without her.  (wouldn't miss her family much, tho' HAHAHA!) (ooops!  SHUT UP, Kathy.)

Next, I wish I could tell Syd at Adrenalin's Shadow that it'd been great if someone had taught ME how to fight as a kid.  (Altho' I would have surely gotten into big trouble with my violent tendencies.) And Julie B did a GREAT meme at Lost Inside My Mind.  And I can no longer reply to Deborah at Middle Daughter EITHER...DAMN!!!!

It really pisses me off I can no longer communicate with these cool cyber friends. 
Fuck Shit Piss.  Dammittohell!  Somebody HELP me, Please.

3 days before Xmas, & I am still coasting.  Can't do much without money, so it really eliminates STRESS!  Hey this is great, who knew?  I'm usually in high insanity about now.  Instead, I am happy & joyful for what I DO have!

I Love you guys.

A Different Kind of Holiday

I didn't realize it's been 2 weeks since I wrote.  And here I was going thru all my favorite blogs cussing out the bloggers who haven't added anything new for weeks....   Hmmm.  Well, fuck me I guess! 

My burnt arm has just about healed itself!  I'm going to the Dr. again tomorrow & I expect to be released to clear the "sick list."  Even better news, I'm on vacation for these last 2 weeks of Dec!  And I am feeling great from all the rest from my 'injury on duty' time off, which is RARE during the holidays because I'd normally pick up major extra trips BEFORE the vacation so my paycheck wouldn't be so sparse.  Oh well.  Don't know how I'm gona make it in Feb when I get the paycheck the end of Jan with no overtime from Dec.  (We're paid the next month for out flights for the present month.)  For sure I'll be trying to squeeze in many extra trips in Jan so the end of Feb's pay will be redeeming... hopefully.

Now you see why I haven't written, I have nothing interesting to say.

So D & I've seen 8 movies...
The Departed, Apocalypto,The Nativity, DeJeVu, The Pursuit of Happyness,  Casino Royal, & Borat...(hated Borat btw.)  Love movie popcorn.  Miss the fake butter, tho.

I have no money for Xmas gifts.
The fabulous photo albums I make for all of D's family each year cost well over $1200 which is just not there this year.
Don't feel like doing my yearly Xmas picture card & letter, either.  Damn, the stamps are so expensive now. 
Decorated the outside & finally put up the Tree.  I add a few ornaments each day...  pretty half-ass.. 
It's just always such a struggle for me each year to get it all done in time.  Then the kids/grandkids come & the family drama starts, so I get pissed I've put myself out for everyone...  Decided not to do anything this year, so I won't get so fucking annoyed.  I notice I'm feeling a LOT more holidayish without all that stress.  Fuck everyone, I'm just coasting this year.  I'm a lot happier this way. 

Being broke is sorta embarassing.  And depressing.  Esp at my age, thought I'd have it more together by now.  But it is what it is...  And anyway thank God I was able to take out a small loan to pay off some bills & this month's mortgage.  phew!  I am grateful.

A Meme From Ann

Copy and paste, and put in your own answers...

 

FULL NAME:   Kathlene Mae

1. What is your occupation?  Flight Attendant/ (Real Estate Agent...wait a minute, I don't do that much anymore.)

2. What color are your socks right now?   Flesh (I'm in BED!) But I always wear black.
 

3. What are you listening to right now?   TV Jay Leno, only because Letterman is a repeat

4. What was the last thing that you ate?   Bahaa Fresh Bare chicken Burrito withOUT rice in a bowl

5. Can you drive a stick shift?     Hell yeah, my 1st red corvair was a stick!

6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?   Deep Purple

7. Last person you spoke to on the phone?  A fucking bill collector...

8. Do you like the person who sent this to you?  FOR SURE!

9. How old are you today?  59

10. Favorite drink?   Lime perrier & water with Stevia & 5 lemons

11. What is your favorite sport to watch? Dancing With the Stars...  Shut up, it is too a sport...  okay then ice skating.

12. Have you ever dyed your hair?  Used to bleach it blonde

13. Pets--  A Schnauzer & 2 cats

14. Favorite food- -- Italion & Chinese

15. What was the last movie you watched?   Running With Scissors

16  Favorite day of the year?  May 24th

17. What do you do to vent anger?  Write in my blog, SCREAM, drive fast

18. What was your favorite toy as a child?  Blue Bicycle

19. What is your favorite season?   Summer for sure, but Spring is always exciting!

21. Cherries or Blueberries?   Cherries..but I'd rather have frozen grapes

22. Do you want your friends to email you back?  It's always great to hear from friends

23. Who is most likely to respond?  Sassy

24. Who is least likely to respond? Weese

25. Living arrangements?   I nest with Doris!  Other than that, any ole layover hotel along live's path

26. When was the last time you cried?   Last night watching TV

27. What is on the floor of your closet?  a ton of shit

28. Who is the friend you have had the longest you are sendng this to?  Tina (6th grade)

29. What did you do last night? Watched America's Next Top Model finale

30. Favorite smells?  Red perfume, also Halston & Clinic Aromatics  plus FRESH mowed grass in the summertime

31. What inspires you?  Hard working people, Gospel Music

32. What are you afraid of?  Dying

33. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers?  I MISS CHEESBURGERS dammit.

34. Favorite dog breed?  POODLES

35. Number of keys on your key ring.  Would you believe 15???

36  How many years at your current job?  38 Long motherfuckin' years

37. Favorite day of the week?  Saturdays

38. Favorite holiday - Thanksgiving

39. Ever driven a Motorcycle or heavy machinery? Yep. 

40. Confident?  Generally, but sometimes shy.

Whatever

Oh my Gosh,
   I just don't understand...
Why the hell are thing so great when we are NOT around her family???  Just wondering.  Because it fucks up EVERY holiday ever in the world.  Honestly... 

I am a romantic.  I USED to think holidays were always SO special & a great romantic sorta celebration between just 2 dykes.  And it used to be.  Until Doris & her ready-made dysfunctional family.  She just LOVES to be around them all.  Since I, myself came from crazy-ass family dysfunction, I never understood why people are always SO drawn to that insanity every year. 

And I always used to have SUCH romantic holidays with all my boyfriends in the past & then all my gilrfriends up until Doris.  In the beginning of our relationship, I mistakingly thought that Doris would eventually tire of all the family dynamics & be grateful to have special holidays with her Lover.  Boy was I wrong. 

It took a few years for ME to adjust, since she didn't.  I started taking pictures of all the family gatherings & finally  got into it by basically becoming the family historian.  Every Xmas I give them all 8X10 photo albums of the entire year & it's become quite a tradition. 

Actually, it will be invaluable after Doris, myself, & her Sister's die as all the memories will be recorded for the grans which will be all grown up, maybe with their own kids, continuing the whole nutcase process in their own way. 

Unfortunately this year I am broke & in debt, so I may not be able to do such grand Xmas presents...  I have not even gotten the film developed yet.

So far I have been so upset, that I am not even stressing over it yet, as I had just been trying to get thru the visitations/home invasions & feeling unappreciated by my dearest Love.  Guess these things will never change..  I just have to learn to live with it...  Blood is thicker than water & all that yada yada yada shit.

So to have had these days be so good, to have my old life back, to be shouted to "I LOVE YOU" down the asile in the middle of Target today gave me back some balance.  Yay!  She is so much fun when it is just us, together. 

But have no fear, the looser son is still around & will undoubtably be back...
However for the past week he's been off doing "his thing," whatever & whoever that is.  And it's been so much better!

In fact, it just occured to me that I passed my 26th anniversary clean & dry on Thanksgiving.  I had felt so much stress that  I could barely focus on staying sober & not picking up...  booze, drugs OR food!  So anyway, I made it another year!  Bravo for me.

BTW, I just can't believe all the blog entries I've missed over the past week...or 2 or three.  How is it possible that life goes on when I'm so miserable???  hah!  Just kidding.

So get a load of THIS......
I burned my damn hand & arm..
On a flight from Lax to Ewr..
Serving hot, greasy steaks,
I don't know what happened, there wasn't even any turbulence.
I had 2 entrees on my tray, on my way out of the galley & I banged into a wall (big spaz) & hot steaks fell all over me onto the floor, but the burning GREASE just seared into my skin, all over my apron & blouse, & it hurt like a motherfucker!! 
I immediately threw my whole arm into the ice drawer & kept it there for 15-20 min, called the #5 from the back to come up & help the other flight attendant while I tried to deal with the burns.
I went to a care center the next morning (it was around 0200am when I got home.)
The Dr. put some creme on it & wrapped my hand & arm as blisters had formed. 
I was then taken off my trip for that day (I was to have flown 4 days in a row.)
I go back on monday to get it checked. 
So meanwhile I am resting & getting well!
Hence, I finally had time to add a new blog entry.

Sorry about all the complaining.  I think my online journal has become as boring as some of the others I got tired of in the past!  Unfortunately my bitching may well continue thru the whole month of Dec, ARE YOU KIDDING??  How 'bout forever.  I guess I'll have to try (another) New Years resolution to be More Positive...  Next year.  grin.
 

oh whoa is me

Thank God I've now finally had 2 nights of sleep in a row, it's been shit.  The phone rings at any & all hours for the frickin' son.  I'm about to scream & WAS going to pick up an extra flight just to get my own hotel room for some rest.  Then D told me we were taking his children back home & he was going to stay with some friends a few days.  Thank the Lord.  I have been complaining constantly & Doris has been praying for strength to stand my complaining... as if there's been no reason for it.  She is perfectly happy to have him here.  (Stupid ass no birth control using ex het that she was.)  This 'child' (dumb fuck bastard) is 43.  She loves him.  His children whom he has never sent child support for & Maybe sees once a year (now 16 & 18) love & adore him.  Me,.. he doesn't amuse in the least. 

Well tomorrow is my last day off, after which  I'll be flying 4 days in a row. Normally I would NOT look forward to that.
However...

Don't have to report how I overate like a maniac for "Thanksgiving."  I crammed down TWO heaping plates of delicious food faster than I could even imagine.  I KNOW I've put a lot of weight back on.  Dang.  You know, that's the problem when one is SO rigid & focused for months...  Once you take a bite of deleciousness off the "food plan" it's too hard to stop!  I SO miss the cheese & pasta & rolls & carbs.  (Ate all of it..)  And if I touch sugar, chocolate, ice cream, cakes & cookies (I DIDN'T!) then I'm off on a binge on that, too.  Good for me that I didn't cave in & grab all the desserts!  At least I can say that.  phew!

Ugh

Oh Bummer.
It's started for real.
D's youngest son is here laying around the living room watching music videos.
I got in last night from flying & he informed me he'll be here till Dec 15th.  Great.
I've been working so hard, am flying out again today, have been looking to 5 days off for Thanksgiving, I'm SO tired.  But he'll be here. 

Hopefully I'll get a grip, for Doris' sake.  However, I don't see her giving much of a shit about my sake.  It's always about whatever they do, want, say , are.. is okay with her. 

I know myself.  This isn't going to be good.  Guess I'll have to pick up trips & fly back out.  It's not right.

"THIS is the forest primeval. The murmuring pines and the hemmlocks..." Longfellow

God, I LOVE the smell of a forest, esp after a hard rain!
And it had been pouring here in NJ & PA all last week.  Luckily the sump pumps kept working & the basement didn't flood!

Doris finally drove me to the Poconos today!  It's rather late, I had been begging to go all last month for the changing of the leaves, but alas people died & D sings at funerals.  Plus she went to her Arts High School reunion in Newark, which I would never complain about as I always love mine in Texas. 

So as we drove up the narrow mountain at Worthington State Park, excess rain water was still pouring off jagged high rocks, thru the woods in random waterfalls down to the Delaware Water Gap. It sounded spectacular!   It's my most favorite place ever, although with the naked trees I barely recognized it.

Still, when I stepped out on the glistening leaves all over the ground & walked the trail into a favorite spot I call the Cathedral of Pines down by the water's edge, the smell was intoxicating!  The damp moss, the black earth, pine needles, crunching of the gravel mixed with tons of yellow & orange leaves, with a gentle breeze wafting thru, water trickling thru creekbeds with the rocks catching the sunlight and the peaceful river flowing by, - Oh My GOD!  I love nature! 

I drew a deep breath & let it out slowly thru perched lips.  I did it again, trying to center my head & being. 

Doris was being very loving.  No one would ever know that when I got home from my flight well after midnight last night that she would be such a bitch to me.  We started to argue of course about her son who had called collect to say he is coming & something I feel uncomfortable about concerning a grandson whom I love, but do not agree on what is happening.  She was SCREAMing at me & I was SCREAMing at her at the top of our lungs around 0200am in the still of the night.  I'm quite sure every neighbor on the block was awakened & heard it ALL.   Not good.  Really bad.  Pretty embarrassing.  We have never done that before.  Not so that the neighbors could hear.

This crap always happens when her children/grandchildren are in the picture.  If I ever disagree about anything, we get in a fight, as she rares her back like a mother lion to protect whatever dumb shit they might be doing or that might occur.  And the holidays are practically now, so here we go again. 

One might think I would learn from experience & just shut the fuck up, try to go with the flow.  But I get these visceral reactions to what I perceive as wrong &/or even possibly illegal at times.  We come from 2 really different worlds & extremes.  What she may consider survival I could easily consider potential for trouble. 

Yet, we've made it for 25 years together.  Sometimes I really don't know how.  I would like to think it is pure love.  But when these arguments happen, & they always seem to during holidays or around family, it becomes clear she will always put them before me & that my opinion means nothing.  I always feel betrayed or unloved.  I panic that we are coming apart & think we would both be happier with someone else. 

Yet when I'm away I can barely stand it without her.  That's one good thing about my job, it makes us appreciate each other in our absence.  So imagine my surprise when I returned home & she was immediately annoyed at me.  Like I was disturbing her peace.  She knew I would get upset when she told me her son was coming & her grandson was getting mail here as if he were living with her.  And I was upset.  And tired.  And she started saying what a drag I am & she couldn't stand me.  And I told her I couldn't stand her either.  We said we made each other sick.  And started hollering at the top of our lungs.  I thought why are we together?

I didn't sleep much.  And was surprised when she woke up saying get up Poochie & get dressed so we can leave.  I said are we going somewhere?  She smiled & said didn't you want to go to the Poconos?  She was very nice to me all day.  And I was nice to her.  Love won out.  Or so it seems.  It turned out to be a good Saturday after all.   A wonderful, relaxing Saturday.  Thank you God. 

Sometimes I really wonder if I am crazy.
Or just going that way.

Looking For "THE ONE"...pt5 Written 8/1/05

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Looking For "The One"...Pt 5 
                            8/1/05

     Well, the next weekend I was back at  the Electric Circus, trolling for fine, bent babes.  I was wandering around the top tier that had a glass wall looking down on the dance floor.  I grabbed a grapefruit juice from the upstairs bar & then I spied HER on the other side of the room.  It was the woman on the carousel & wow, did she look beautiful!  I nonchalantly meandered over to her side.  Yikes, she was really tall!  And tough, yet elegant.

"Hi," I smiled brightly "wanna dance!?"

 

     She slipped me a glance through squinty eyes, then looked back at the glass wall, down toward the throbbing dancers. Dang, she was reserved & aloof.  She did Not seem interested.

"So you Dont want to dance?" I said lamely.

She gave me the once-over & said "come on," & down we went to join the thundering crowd.

    I  attempted starting a conversation while dancing away, trying to match my steps to hers.  But she didnt seem talkative. Her name was Doris & she lived in New Jersey.  (Oh, crap- the kiss of death to someone who wanted a City girlfriend.)  Plus just when Id get my steps going with hers,she'd change beats.  Gees Louise, she didnt seem much into partner dancing.  She worked at General Motors & made Cadillacs.  (oooh, I could just See her throwing those car doors & fenders around!)  Trying to get any info from her was like pulling teeth.  But we kept bouncing to the tunes, & I guess she could see I danced better than all the other white girls...  Not that she seemed to care.  Well this was odd. 

 

     I finally said, "What's the matter, havent you ever been with a white woman?"  To which she replied, "Not really.  But I do have white friends at work."  (Im thinking, Oh great.)

   "So lets meet here again tomorrow night," I boldly asked.

     Just then her friend comes & jerks her away saying "we gotta go..."  Im thinking rats!  Then she turns around & says, "I'll see you tomorrow night."

  YESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!

 I smiled broadly & waved goodbye.

     So, that's how it all began.  Doris & I kept meeting at the Dyke Clubs.  We'd call every now & then, but she still didnt say much.  I cant really tell you we developed a friendship, it was more like a close acquaintance.  I thought she was secretive, but it turned out she was quiet.  She was nice, but not too demonstrative.  She acted tuff, but she was sweet.  She was elegant with a butch edge.    She appeared to be a good woman, but something just didnt seem right. I didnt like her friends, the girls she hung out with. Some of them were people I wouldnt want to be around.  I dont know why I kept chasing after her ass, but I couldnt seem to stop.

     For one thing, Doris was 6 ft tall & magnificent.  She was a cross-between  Cicely Tyson & Nancy Wilson at the time.  Her face was just frickin' beautiful, & her lips were exquisite!  She had a lot of style & carried herself with class.  And she could Sing like Aretha & Patty!  Damn, I wanted her.  I was SO turned on!

     I never knew who was going to show up when I would go meet Doris.  She would dress in different costumes all the time.  There was the army sargent, the navy enlistee, the marine, the cowboy, the boxer, the cop, the mafia guy, the banker, the firefighter, superwoman, my Lord, the list went on!  And she looked great as all of them!  "Dont you ever dress regular," Id say??

     One 4th of July I was out with an ex-boyfriend, & my best gay friend & his lover having dinner.  When dropping the boys at their apt the ex takes out cocaine & chops it into lines & offers it to them.  I just sat there in the front seat of the car, passing the mirror back & forth but didnt take any.  I didnt think it would bother me, but I got annoyed.  Suddenly, I HAD to see Doris.  I had to be with her.

      After they left, I told my friend to drive me to the Village.  The fireworks were just starting as he dropped me off at 6th Ave & Washington St.  Honey, I jumped out & marched right into De Jevu', a club for black women only, looking for Doris.  I went to the DJ booth & asked Bobbie if D. was there tonight.  Her smile disappeared when she realized I wasnt there to see her, "the tall one with the hat on in the back," she mumbled. 

     Doris was coming of the dance floor, saw me & said "KATHY!" & gave me a big hug.  I told her I had to see her, I hope she didnt mind that I busted into the 'sister space.' (man, all those women acted pissed at me.)  She said she was so glad I did & we sat at the bar & talked for hours.  We decided we wanted to date for real, to be together.  I said "How long do you think we should wait to make love?"  She replied, "About two months."  I smiled.

     We walked outside for her to drive me home.  We reached Washington & McDougal St, across from Washington Square &  she kissed me on the corner there!  Our first kiss!  Boy, it was a wet one.  yikes.  The 4th of July fireworks were still going off!

     After that, I peddled my ass all over town trying to tighten up & worked out at the health club everyday, steamed about 50 different conditioners in my long hair each night & exercised in my hotel rooms on layovers just to become even more fabulous for our upcoming night together in two months!

     Well, we only made it to 2 weeks!  One night after leaving De Jevu' we stopped off at the Blue Note on 6th Ave & 4th St.  I said lets take a cab to my apt & come back to meet your friends later!  She agreed, but went up to the ladies room 1st.  I later found out she smoked a small joint because she was nervous being with her first white woman.

     I hailed a taxi & we zoomed uptown, ran up the steps & into my studio.  We started kissing as soon as we got in the door, & I led her over to my platform bed.  It was carpeted 4 ft off the floor in the corner, with big mirrors on the walls & a mirror on the ceiling.  A white silk bedspread was tucked around the king mattress with about 20 pink, fat pillows all around.  We threw ourselves down & finally began to share the bliss that we had wanted for so long.  What do you know, Doris turned out to be an expert at giving GREAT head!!!  This is the ONLY person Ive ever been able to come with everytime she went down on me!

     God, she was beautiful!  She was 11yrs older than me & a real Woman!  Her body was to die for, & her skin was SO Soft!  It was exciting, yet a little tense. It was Hot, yet a bit tempid.  It was liberating, but somewhat rigid. It was fun, yet awkward.  We were both scared, yet relived!  It was not perfect, but it was great!  Our fit was not exact, but damned if we didnt have some grande potential! 

     We got back to the club, somewhat disheveled & feeling glorious!  I was glowing again, & had never danced so loose.  Things felt different now.  I was hers & she was mine.  She was mature & I could count on her.

     That was July 17th, 1981. Happy Anniversary to us, 24 yrs later!  Life is GOOD & I Am BLESSED! 

     I would like to say our relationship was easy, but it has been a long intense road! I sent Doris a dozen white roses the day after our 1st encounter, & called to find out if they were delivered!  Another woman answered the phone.

"Who was THAT?"  I asked.

"Oh that was my daughter."  she said.

"WHAT???  You have a child?"

"Yes I have 3"  A 22yr son, an 18yr daughter, & a 16yr son.

"WWWHHHAAATTT?????  Why didnt you tell me?"  I said unbelivably.

"You never asked," she simply replied.

     I was shocked.  Back when I loved men, the weekends were always messed up because their children would come to visit.  With women, of course, the kids LIVED there everyday.  I used to be wild & uninhibited in the rack, & now I had to moan & groan quietly.  And not walk around nude.  And not grab & kiss their mother in front of them.  Jesus. 

     When Doris would go to work, her daughter & friends would smoke pot & when I asked them not to do this in front of me, her daughter said "This is my house, I can do what I want."  They would also eat food that I bought (being borderline diabetic) & it wouldnt be there when I returned from a flight. 

     Doris' ex girlfriend would just walk in the house, walk in the bedroom when we were in bed, & walk into her closet to "borrow" clothes to wear.

     Doris had NO Control over any of them, & really couldnt handle my bitching about it all.  When she moved to another apt, I thought great!  At least we'll be away from her ex, only to find out she moved to where her ex had just moved.

     I LEFT.  Yep, I bolted twice over the years.  I couldnt take all the bullshit insanity.  She went and brought me back each time.  I remember one night in particular.  We were in the bedroom.  Grown children were in the livingroom, each sleeping -or whatever- with their girlfriends/boyfriend.  It was riduclous & gross.  I had it, & left the bedroom, went & peed with the door opened, stepped butt naked over each couple on the floor or mattresses on my way to the kitchen, where I got a soda from the fridge, stood & drank it with the appliance light shining on my pale titts & ass while holding the door open, slammed it, then stepped back over the "sleeping" group, went back into the bedroom & closed the door.  

      Doriswas pissed, but they all stopped bringing their fuckees over shortly thereafter.  I would scream to Doris that it may be "normal" to her to have full grown men laying around in their fucking jockey shorts, but that it was totally destructive for a lesbian relationship.  If I wanted to have that, I could have stayed with men.

     The 'straw that broke the camel's back' was when her daughter got pregnant & had a baby.  So okay, the little bundle was precious, but her daughter was always "out" & leaving the child with Doris.  Id get in from a flight & she would put the baby in my arms & pass out from exhaustion after work.  I was drained too & needed her attention.  But a tiny newborn needs constant attention  & with our tedious jobs, we were just empty, tapped out.

  
 

     Now I was only into my 1st year being sober.  I was having a hard time dealing with such total, out-of-control insanity, let alone my own life problems.  Doris could only stick her head in the sand so as to Not deal with anything.  I finally said, "Doris, if you want to raise your granddaughter, I think you should.  But if I wanted a child I would have had my own."  To which she replied, "Ive spent my whole life sacrificing, sometimes working 3 jobs at a time trying to raise my children on my own. Im NOT going to raise their's."

     Shortly thereafter, the kids were out of the house & on their own.  And we were finally ALONE AT LAST!  It actually took about 4 or 5 years before we became deliriously happy.  I started going to AA meetings.  I had not gone into "the program" when I first put down drugs & booze.  It really helped, I started to feel more understood by others going thru similar problems.

     Then I went into Debtors Anonymous to clean up my bills.  After that came Survivors of Incest Anonymous, & from there I got a new, wonderful shrink who truly helped me to become a better person to Doris.  She helped me to become whole &  I actually owe my life to her.  I then started going to Co-dependants Anonymous, & then Sexual Compulsives Anonymous.  That is where I really got my life together, & Im sure Doris was relieved that I slowly stopped behaving like a sex addict & quit trying to wake her up for so much 'personal attention' all the time.  The only problem with that is eventually I needed Overeaters Anonymous...  & still do to this day.

     We started to build the life we wanted & were ecstatic when we were finally able to buy our own house about 10 years ago.  The children & grandchildren (there are 5 now) may come by during weekends, but nobody lives here but us, 2 cats & a dog!  Life has been wonderful & we know we have been truly blessed!

     Now, the only thing we have to adjust to is Doris being retired.  She is here every minute of the day & we can tend to get on each others nerves now.  (Well, more so than before.)  Believe me, it's an adjustment.  But Im not really worried.  After everything we've been thru for the past 24 years, this should be a peice of cake!

     Looking back, it's a miracle we've made it this far.  We are total opposites & it's taken a lot of hard work, patience & Love. I adore my splendid, sweet, beautiful woman, she is a true gift from God, Goddess, Universe.  I treasure & cherish our life together & there's no one else in the world I'd EVER want to be with.  It took many years, but I actually trust that she would not run around on me.  We spoil each other & take care of each other.  Im always SO proud to be with her & to this day I just crave to look at her exquisitely beautiful face.  I am the luckiest woman in the history of the universe & I thank God everyday!

     Life is GOOD.

Looking For "THE ONE"....Pt4 written 7/31/05

    written for The Lesbian Lifestyle....pt.4

                                       7/31/05

     http://thelesbianlifestyle.blogspot.com  

 

      Needless to say, the rest of my vacation was undeniably frenetic!  I was IN LOVE,  Judy surprised me, captured me, took me to a frantic, delirious high!  It was SO good to feel HAPPY again!  I walked around  with a natural, pink body blush, & not just in my cheeks!  I was floating on clouds.

     For Christmas I went down to 'The Hour Of Power' church in Garden Grove (Now known as the Crystal Cathedral..) & bought J. a Big, Gold Cross that said "God Loves You & So Do I."  She'd give me her car to drive when she went to work as a part time drug counselor, so Id go home to hang with my parents.

     We'd spend lazy nights together under the stars & have brunch at the beach!  New Year's Eve, we went to some California Dyke Bar, but we really just wanted to be back in bed at her apt, together alone.  Soon it was time to go back to work & NYC.  I vowed  to try to come see her on the weekends.

    But it wasnt all that easy carrying on a long distance relationship.  I was pretty junior in those days, & I could only hold the weekends off if I flew 4 days in a row.  That left flying half the day friday to lax to see my beloved, & flying half the day sunday back to jfk to cover my schedule on monday.  phew!  Saturday was the Only day I wasnt on a 727or a DC10.  It felt like I was spending my Whole Life on an airplane.  Talk about jet lag!

     To make matters worse, our lovemaking started to dry up.  Jude began to balk at 'performing on demand.'  Okay I can understand that, but gee wiz...  as far as I was concerned, Damn!  Time was of the essence!!!  I mean, we only had small windows of opportunity to be together before I had to leave again.  What was the problem??? 

     She was starting a project with Paula Prentiss & Dick Benjiman as a camera person, filming their new movie.  J. operated big video camera's & worked on films.  During her spare time she would work on writing her own script.

     The months started to drag on.  I was exhausted, killing myself flying my brains out 4 days in a row to get to my girlfriend, only to be told, "not tonight, Im not in the mood."  I tried to be reasonable, I tried to understand.  But I clearly became upset.  Our love had gone from Feast to Famine.

     What the FuCK????  We were only  months into the relationship & already She was never in the damn mood.  How much worse would this get in years to come?  What the Hell was going on here???  What was wrong with me?  What was wrong with HER???  What the Shit Happened??  Here was the Best, most Erotic Butch Id ever known just laying STILL by my side.  Week after week.  And I was bustin' my butt just to get to her.  FOR WHAT???  I was stymied.  I felt sad.

     And by the way, what the HELL was UP with White Girls & Sex & their fucking stubborn moods???  Nothing I any longer cared to deal with, that's for sure.  This was pissing me off.  It was aggravating.  

   
 

     Okay here was MY problem:  I was only a few months clean & dry.  I had no Way to escape the pain & sorrow of my past with substances anymore.  I HAD TO FUCK!!!  Sex would take me out of the torment & agony of withdrawal.  Great Sex would get me high again.  Constant Sex would make me forget about Wendy, Kay, Charlie, my Mother, -hell!- Everyone & Anything that had hurt me thru my life.

     J. needed space just to be & time to get turned on, with no expectations.  Im not sure what else because she did not feel free to articulate it.  What used to delight & amaze her about me was no longer even  in her memory .  And her aloofness on the subject was becoming a bore.    

     Okay, we both knew it was going downhill...  All the long distance phone calls in the world could not make up for withholding sexual intimacy.  Fuck that shit.  Long distance relationships didnt work for her.  We discussed that we were coming apart.  It was so soon, I was morosely disappointed.  It was all extremely bittersweet.  We were both good, beautiful women, we still loved each other, but it was just not  working.

     I was depressed & so was Jude.  Although we agreed we were over, we decided to take a car trip down the Pacific Coast Highway for a few days & make it a good ending.   We went thru Malibu, Santa Barbara, San Louis Obispo, Big Sur & ended up in Carmel!  We stayed at a wonderful cabin with a fireplace, by a pond.  We ended up making good, even passionate love, but it wasnt the same.

     Still, we had FUN, it was a wonderful way to say goodbye.  After driving back down the PCH, she dropped me off at the airport.  We hugged at the curb, tears were in our eyes.   I didnt want her to walk me to the gate, it was hard enough already.  I flew home to NY, & started working trips that gave me more time off .

       I began to start looking at other women at the Dyke Bars.  One night after coming in from a flight I went to the Electric Circus on 5th Ave & 15th St, which was run by a lesbian (AAL agent) during the night time.  Now THERE was a creative entrepreneur!...  But she smoked, so forget it. 

    I was dancing up a storm with all my disco friends & then I saw HER!  Across the floor, an attractive, older black woman was sitting side saddle on a carousel horse, holding on to the brass pole & surrounded by a harem of Brown Sugars!  She was dressed in a tan army uniform.  Yawning.  About to go to sleep.  Hmmm.  Interesting.  She looked kind of worn around the edges, but pretty enough.

     Well, never mind.  If she was that tired, SHE probably wasnt interested in sex Either.  I blew it off & continued dancing until I was numb, then hailed a cab home around 0300am.  Perhaps I would meet 'Carousel Lady' another night, if she came back.