omg HELP what do I do???

Fuck. Im shitting... This is a wierd problem I didn't know I'd have.

Okay first let me say I swear all the time. Whatever. Many don't like it, I don't really give a shit , but I do try to tone it down when it's too inappropriate such as like IN CHURCH if I go, or around passengers, or uptight diptwits... They say you can always tell a Flight Attendant that doesn't have children because we cuss like sailors. Plus I've been around the block a few million times & not a lot shocks me.

So now here's the thing... Getting on facebook, I am finding all the grandkids & neices/nephews. It's been real neat! But we all have this *star* niece who I've watched grow up since she was born, the smartest, SWEETEST child that can do no wrong. She graduated high school this year & is going to college & is just the most popular, busy, beautiful, adorable kid! An perfect little angel!

I just found her & got on her FB. It is shooting her & all her friends conversations onto my facebook. OMG. This kid must have multiple personalities. She & her friends are all bantering back & forth with the words 'niggah' 'faggot' 'buttfucker' (well that one's funny, hah) but my point is some of these words I would NEVER say, much less write & I do take offense as I'm sure others who read my fb would, (Doris & her sister (this girl's grandmother) would DIE) & I don't know what to do.

Now I know this huge group of kids are having a wonderful time & it's none of my business how they speak to ea other & I'm not about to say to her dont use those words as she a fucking valdictorian for crise sakes so she already knows right from wrong.

So here's my question - is there anyway I can be on her fb & read it but not have HERs on mine? I don't want to subject my fb "friends" to that crap. What can I do short of just cancelling her as a fb friend?

I really don't think I'm over reacting here.

By George, I think I've Got It!

Well, here's the thing...
I've about conquered Twitter & Facebook. It's taken about 5 days - thanks to all who held my hand thruout the ordeal! ha!

I have a mac that I can take pictures on sitting here about a foot away. I figured out how to post these pics. Still don't know how to get pics from my camera into the computer. But anyway I put a bunch of pics up on fb. So if you're inclined...
my facebook handle... KMae Bee.
my twitter name KMaaee (KMae was already taken, how RUDE!)

I'm trying to learn how to just stay home, amuse myself, (Other than watching TV all day) (Which we all know my lazy ass can easily do!) & not go out to spend a lot of money I don't have. Doris is SO annoyed I've spent so much time on the computer because no one can call her. She should be grateful the bill collectors can't get thru!

Anyway, I posted 2 pics of her on fb. She's purty. grin.
She would be mad if she knew. shhhhhh.
Dont ask dont tell.
.

sleeping sickness

Yikes, I just woke up & already I need a nap.
Geese, what's up with that??

LaaaaaaZeeeee.

Phew!

Okay, it's back to normal now.

I called BCBS & dealt with insurance problems.
I went to the bank.
I payed the mortgage.
I got some lunch & watched 2 soaps.
THEN...
I mowed the lawn.
I vacumed & straightened the kitchen & livingroom.

I jumped in & out of the pool (above ground) to cool off every 15 minutes then went back to cleaning. You see, the airconditioner is broken. I can't afford to fix it. It's fucking swealtering... (okay not like Houston eb, but STILL>.)

I saw a comedian start his gig saying 'I grew up in the above-ground pool neighborhood.' Everybody cracked up, including me. I suppose it is comparable to trailer courts & lower income shanty's.

And I am grateful that I did get to live in a home where we put in an in-ground pool!

But I have never been able to make anywhere near the income my father did, he took care of us well. And let me tell you, on a day like today I am very grateful for our modest outdoor paradise with our 18' round above ground pool under 4 story high trees! It was a scorcher!

Now Doris grilled salmon & veggies! Smile!
Catch ya later.
.

Addiction!

Damn Y'all.
I gotta pull myself away from Twitter & Facebook.
Good Gosh almighty this house is a mess & Doris is so annoyed because no one can get thru on the frickin' phone line. (yeah I know - only one line AND dial up -ha! I'm archaic.)

I have to do something constructive today besides sit on my FAT ass & focus on tweets -Man, that is really COOL, & Fb. I must pick up my shit piles & vacuum.

You guys have been really patient with all my questions.
Thankx a million.


okay try to breathe kathy.

Perplexed!

I can't figure out how to get tweets on my cell.
I can't figure out how to get facebook on my cell.
I hope all y'all are happy. I've been on the stupid computer all day (not kidding) trying to figure out twitter & facebook.
Pixie I tried to tweet Regis_and_Kelly today but it didn't got thru.

It's frickin' annoying, GAWD!!!!

Deb, eb & Nickie got your messages on Facebook.
I'll keep trying.
Man do I feel old trying to keep up with all you youngsters.
.

Twitter Schmitter

Okay, I'm still TRYing to get into tweeting. (It's your fault Pixie for constantly raving you'd rather tweet than blog.) I don't know. I also tried to join facebook because of some of you - don't really like it so much. Which do y'all like better - facebook or twitter? So far I still like blogging.

My hip is feeling better, not limping as much. Perhaps I'll be able to get off the sick list & fly again in Sept. Then again....
The cortizone shots are starting to work.

Was able to connect with a dear friend from the far-away past on twitter, Nickielee! This is a blessing.

Happy Camper!

Went to the Beach again today! WOW, love it so much. But never again on a Friday, didn't think the traffic would be so bad since folks shoulda still been at work at that hour. - The ole bumper to bumper trick, NOT pleasant. I kept telling Doris to turn around & go home, we could catch the Fri showing of One life To Life in 30 min. But she persisted & it was wonderful. Since it took us 2 hrs to get there today, & even longer to find a parking spot, the beach ticket takers soon left their perches at the entrances so we took our beach chairs down to the edge of the water & enjoyed 2 more hours squishing sand between our toes in. God that feels SO FUCKING GOOD!!! I made sand vaginas. They were pretty, Doris was mortified, ha! So relaxing - the fresh air, waves crashing a couple yards away, clouds floating thru a blue sky, sand pipers hopping around looking straight into your eyes begging for food, my true love sitting next to me peering thru her binoculars at surfing bikini butts... ahhhhh, sigh... Total Joy! .

The Beach!!!

We finally went to the shore yesterday!!! God, it was fabulous. I swear, a beautiful Beach is nature's Zoloft. So are Trees & Lakes.
I love it all.

There's been a ton of rain in Jersey this summer & going on a weekend is miserable with so much traffic on the Parkway.

Doris had taken the RV in to be serviced, oil change etc the day before (which was a sweet surprise!) then came home & announced we can go to Ocean Grove tomorrow! (Which was even SWEETER!!) I was SO happy, & then there was actually sunny weather & off we went!!

Since it was Tuesday it wasn't busy or noisey, & we got a great parking spot immediately (which was shocking for sure.) I always forget how cheerful all those beach umbrellas are & how relaxed everybody gets! Folks drag their asses in slow motion trudging along the boardwalk & thru the sand with all their crap & kids. Life & problems seem to come to a screaching halt with all that time to finally reflect & be grateful.

Today was also very pleasant, went to dinner at Red Lobster & decided to go back to the shore tomorrow! Hope the weather stays nice. Yeaaaaa!

Life is good.
.

Another Rainy Day

It's raining
it's pouring
little boys are boring...

Sorry about that.
Reverted back to the 2nd grade
for a few minutes there.
Funny how some things never change!
Har Har.

Another Sunday basking in the house alone,
not going to church.
Man, I LOVE it!
It's almost 200pm now so Doris
will be coming home shortly,
guess I should tidy up the place a bit
since I've just been lounging around,
reading the Sunday paper & watching Moving Up.

I really am lazy. Guess it's true.
Oh well.

I do love just laying around. sigh.
Relaxing is good.
I should try to get more motivated, but fuck it.
When I'm not flying I just don't want to do shit.

The problem is when there is no "structure"
(such as work) in my life,
I just tend to...

hangout,\
watch tv,/
eat,\
sleep,/
& ride where Doris drives me.

Sounds good to me.

For now.

I can just see Doris rolling her pretty eyes
when she walks in & sees me lounging,
not doing anything constructive.
It's okay -

I know that after she gets home
& peels off her church duds,
She'll sit to read the Sunday paper,
And those peepers of hers will slam shut!!!
She'll pass out in a quick minute.

Especially since it's still raining.....

Not to mention it's exhausting
to be singing in church all day,
(How well I remember)
And D is the lead soprano
so my hollerin' baby
will be all tweeted out.

So shortly,there'll be even more
Peace 'in the valley'...

Oh, yeah.

.

Boring June stuff

OMG My frickin' computer hasn't been able to turn on the past week, it's the connection to the phone line & I STILL can't figure out what happened. (I'm an idiot.) So finally, I brought it downstairs & connected to another phone line & thank goodness I can get back on. Phew! I Just don't get what happened to the phone line upstairs. Sheese.

So my hip still hurts, even after a cortisone shot... Getting a bursitis shot next week, maybe that will help. I've been going to physical therapy 3Xweek for 2 months, it really hasn't helped. On top of that, yesterday they tell me I need to do a $30 co-pay for all the past sessions which goes well over $500. Ahhhh, HUHHHH??? So I cancelled half of what's scheduled for next month & guess I'll be sending $30 a month till it's payed off. crap. I HATE BLUE CROSS BLUE SHIELD.

sigh. One day at a time.

Other than that, I'm good, but broke. I can't believe June is over, damn. Summer is speeding by. I may never go back to work if my hip pain doesn't get better. And you know what? I think that'd be just fine. I am really loving being OFF. I really can't get upset about it (yet) because I've had a good 41 years up in the air & at least I can get social security to supplement my lame retirement check. At least it'd be more than what I'm getting on the sick list.

Que sera' sera' what ever the fuck will be....
God Goddess Universe says Be Patient.
.

28th Anniversary!

7/17th... That is our anniversary.
Actually so is July 4th because -
28 years ago on July 4th,
Doris & I decided
we would become a committed couple.
We said 'we will continue dating
for perhaps 2 more months
before we finally have sex!'

It was a good plan, but
we only lasted 13 more days.
(13 has always been my lucky number!)
to July 17th
(Not to mention,
I was a hot, gorgeous
little femmie femme
back then..) Hence -
July 17th is our anniversary,
we became Solid.

We've gone thru many changes
over these days, years, decades.
Those of you
who've been reading my blog
have gone thru
some of the insanity...er..ah..
I mean love & growth...
along with me.

Relationships are tricky
&
none are perfect.
Everyone always asks
how we made it
so long together.
There is only one answer.

Both parties
HAVE TO WANT
to STAY together
& get thru all the bullshit,
the screaming emotional upheavals,
the simmering pissy hurt feelings
...er..ah..
I mean learning life's lessons &
accepting each other's differences...
NO MATTER WHAT.

It will not work
if only one person
puts in 100%.
If the other partner
doesn't care enough to remain
thru the thick & thin,
the pleasure as well as the pain,
the heaven & hell,
it can not work.

Both lovers
have to put in 100% each,
you need 200% commitment...
even though at times
you are sure
you will end up committed
to the looney bin
instead
of a working relationship...

Both people
have to WANT TO STAY
to do all the hard work.

Besides,
if you decide
'fuck it' & bolt
(even tho painful,
it's the easy way out)
you will have to start
ALL OVER AGAIN
at the beginning
with someone else &
deal with all their crap
& baggage
along with your own..
which still sucks because
you haven't worked
on changing yourself & growing
OR
just accepting each other's differences
& moving on together.

Of course,
in no way
should one ever stay
in a bad or abusive
relationship
that is wrong for you.
Better to get out
of that bullshit immediately.
(Wish I had of learned THAT lesson
back in my 20's, 30's & early 40's.
But nooOOOooo.
I stayed to the bitter ends
& wasted a ton of time
& life.)

Okay all that being said
(I'm sorry for the mudane lecture -
don't know WHY I got into all that,)
we had a great anniversary!
Even tho' we are both broke from so many bills,
I got Happy Anniversary Balloons for her,
Doris got beautiful pink roses for me,
& we both got cards for each other.

Then we had a lobster & salmon dinner
at Charlie Brown's
(with her sister) that night on Fri
& yesterday on Sat we drove into the City,
had hotdogs in our RV,
people watched,
talked about when we first met
& all our years together,
then sealed it with a kiss
on the corner of Washington Square
where we had our 1st kiss
28 years ago on July 4th! ha.

Finally we called it a day & drove home,
turned on the TV, climbed back into bed
& felt SO lucky & blessed.

(Finally getting a house together
is the best thing we ever did
about 16 yrs ago.)

I am very happy!
Life is so good.

I say it every time...
Be it ever so humble,
& believe me Ours is modest-
there is just NO place like home!!!

And did I happen to mention
that Doris is STILL
so amazingly DAMN gorgeous
even now till this day???
She is just scrumptious!

I am so lucky.
Really REALLY lucky!

And, of course
so is she.

*grin*
.

Found my College Roomate!

I went to college back in the 60's. My roomate for the first 2 years was my best friend since the 6th grade, Tina whom I still love & adore to this day. Then she dropped out & got a job, then married.

So my Jr year I became a floor counselor for a freshman dorm & had no idea whom I would end up rooming with except it would be her 1st year. I had gotten there early & set up my side of the room & waited on pins & needles.

In walks Lydia. We looked at each other & both thought Oh No. We were about as different as night & day. I was a dumbass beauty queen with bleach blonde hair majoring in Drama & Speech & she was a no-nonsense really SMART, serious au natural girl studying to be a Nurse. She thought 'Oh God, I can Not do this with Her as my roomate.' I thought 'Well this isn't gona be any fun.'

We started chatting as she set up her side of the room, & ended up talking about our life stories all night long. By the time we finally passed out we had become friends.

The next day the dorm mother called me in & said she was moving me up to a different floor. They needed me there & so I said fine, but I'd like to ask my new roomate to join me if she wishes because I did not want to hurt her feelings & have her think I didn't want her. Plus I really LIKED her now.

So I went in to our old room & told Lydia what was happening, & she didn't have to, but would she like to join me? She didn't think twice & said definately! We immediately started gathering all our shit together & moved right on up to our new room! We became super roomies after that.

She was so wonderful & lots of fun. As different as we were, we always had tales to tell each other when we were back in our beds at night. We laughed all the time! She always listened to my problems & was a great sounding board. She was very studious & I was always partying. I so admired her brain & wished I was smart like her. In the end we had a wonderful friendship & loved each other.

It was sad when the school year came to an end and we each went our separate ways. I moved to LA, then on to NYC to fly. She eventually married her handsome boyfriend who'd been writing her thru college, they went into the Air Force & raised 4 beautiful children.
They now live back in Texas & I'm in New Jersey. I've wondered what happened to her for decades, but could never find her on the internet.

I was SO THRILLED to finally find her brother online, & he put me in contact with HER! OMG I could NOT BELIEVE I FOUND HER!!! We talked on the phone for an hour & a half & have started writing email & sending pictures. I can not tell you how happy this makes me!

I finally found my Lydie!!!

bla bla bla

Here it is Sunday again! Thought D was gona stay home today because none of her choirs are singing, but no. Even tho she had mentioned that she didn't have to go to church, her sister called & off they went. sigh. I got really mad. But then got over it.
After all, I forgot I like Suns alone now.

My hip is still in pain when I walk or climb steps. I'm good when I come home from physical therapy but within 30 min the pain strikes again. Guess the icing wears off. I'm worried my company will try to fire me, I've been on sick leave since May.

I do however have plenty of sick time (probably 600hrs left now) as I don't abuse it. But you can't make much money when you don't fly, as there are no expenses or over time. I Always worked so much overtime to try to cover bills (probably why my hip's so screwed up!) But definitely I can't go back until (if) I get better. I have hope. I just hope they don't try to fire me.

It's fucking aggravating that I even have to worry about that type of bullshit after 41 motherfucking years of blood sweat & tears for this dumbass company. Managment are harrassing buttbrains. They suck. Please. Any horrid experience you've ever had flying on any airline, I can give you worse stories about working for the fuckers.

That being said, I still dig the job & am grateful my company has lasted this long, & that I've been able to keep my seniority. So many Flight Attendant's airlines bit the dust & they had to start all over again at the bottom of the heap. I don't know HOW they do it.

Changing the subject, the weather has been beautiful! Since it still rains so much at night it's been cool enough to not need airconditioning. So great. Since ours is b r o k e n.

Gotta go downstairs, get a bite & take vitamins. Have I mentioned how much I love Zoloft since I started it in May?!!!

Sunday Mornings

Sunday morns have become such a favorite for me!
Since Doris retired 3 yrs ago she is home everyday.
She has the most gorgeous singing voice & faithfully sings in the choir every Sun. I did it with her for about 2 decades.

But it exhausted me as Black churches have l-o-n-g services, sometimes with breaks for lunch & a late afternoon service afterward. It always annoyed me we couldn't just go home & enjoy the rest of the Sunday together. Heck it annoys me we can't just spend the day in bed together with the Sunday papers & TV, but anyway...

I am a spiritual person, but sitting in a church building for the whole, damn motherfucking day really started pissing me off & did nothing to calm my furtive soul & bring me closer to "the Lord."

Not to mention, the fabulous American Black Gospel music is what I craved -so much better than the generic sound of white church hymns, even tho' many are the same from the same book!

Also the old spirituals are So mournful but beautiful. Then the choir director got it up his butt to only sing positive &/or new Christian songs, no more depressing or sad spirituals, just happy happy happy music. Well, I about started to loose it.

Jeese, that is not what I signed up for, Some of us LIKE the depressing songs showing how God brings us thru it all. If you are a depressed person all that hippity happity can really make you feel worse.

And as nice as the pastor is, his sermons are mediocre & the longer it goes, the louder he starts to scream & holler. Damn. Screw that shit.

So a year or so ago I just quit going to choir practice & also stopped church Every week. phew. What relief I felt since I worked so hard & so much, I hardly had any day off for myself. Church had become a job.

NOW, as soon as Miss Singing Johnson leaves, I charge back up to bed & revel in my solitude. I turn on "Moving Up" a tv show I happen to love, break out all the delivered Sunday papers & read the circulars, & pull out ye ole laptop & start catching up on blogs!

Then if she goes out to eat with her brother & sisters (who also have awesome voices & sing in the choir) I have time to either fall back to sleep for a lazy afternoon nap, or zoom to the the health club for the whirlpool, swimming, steamroom & wash my hair.

Either/or - it's all good. Just hanging here in bed alone is exciting because I don't feel guilty like I do after Doris awakens & rushes off to do chores or errands, etc. (She has SO much more energy than I.)

Oh, btw -yesterday, the 4th of July was so great!
Had the most delicious BBQ party at Doris' neice's big home with many family members. Delicious, yummy food!!!! FABULOUS!!!

Then Doris always wants to go to the NYC fireworks, but I hate it because I can't stand being in the middle of all the hundreds of screaming, stinky, sweaty drunks. GOD.

Well we started out late after the party, so we were caught up on the NJ turnpike enroute to the Lincoln Tunnel when all the fireworks started.

So we (& everyone else up there) pulled over to the side of a mile long bridge & just stopped for 30 minutes to watch it all with NYC as a backdrop! It was perfect, it was fabulous!!!! And we didn't even have to go into the City!!! OMG, so wonderful.

We we back home & in bed by the 1100 o'clock news!

Aaaahhhh. No place like home!
Life is so good.
.

Had A Colonoscopy

OMG.
I had a colonoscopy today.
Good fucking grief, I can barely walk now.
Just had a 2 hr nap, so I'm feeling a little better.

The worst part was the prep work yesterday which was beyond gross.

You stop eating & take 4 ducolax pills at 1200 noon.
Drink a ton of water.
At 500p you drink 2 yucky bottles of magnesium citrate which is SO horrid. Just nasty.
Drink tons of more water.

There's just gotta be a better way. uck.

Anyway then you're up all night shitting your brains out every 15-20 minutes. No sleep.
You feel totally sick, dizzy & weak.

At 0630a the next morning, you drink one last bottle of citrate magnesium & drink another ton of water. Gawd.

Then NO MORE WATER after that.

It's just wicked.

Went to the surgery center at 1000a,
& soon I was on O2
& knocked out with an IV of sleep juice, ha!
Then next thing I knew I was waking up
in recovery
& it was over!
Thank the Lord.

I staggered out to Doris who stayed to drive me home,
but not before the Dr. told me everything was FINE!

He had found nothing at all (no cancer, no polyps, no diverticulitis etc.), gave me pictures of my beautiful, clean colon & said go home, have a hamburger, don't ever eat cheese (damn.) & don't drive. Come back in 5 years.

YEAAAAAAA!!!!!

THANK YOU JESUS!!!
Glory to God Goddess Universe!!!

I am so relieved.
I'm glad I did it, but even happier it's over.
Still out of it, going back to sleep.

'

Gay Pride Parade on Sunday

Dang, I was thinking that Doris would have gotten enough of The City & parades yesterday at the Dyke Parade.
But nooooOOOOOoooo.

So off we go after she returned home from church, back to the Big Apple in the grueling Gay Pride Traffic. shit.

By that time the Parade was maybe half over, but we were so hungry.

Well so often I think about how lucky it is that I hooked my wagon to Doris' star years decades ago because she truly has angels on her shoulders, & God Goddess Universe often reigns FAVOR down on her...

We found a GREAT parking spot on Bank St. WITHOUT a meter (free!) only 3 blocks from the parade on Christopher St. & Bleeker!
Manatus is on Bleeker where we were seated in a BOOTH! immediately!
Not only is all this so impossible, but afterwards we somehow came out & EASILY slid into the FRONT ROW of the parade on Christopher & Bleeker which is just freakin' insane.
I used to live in the building on the corner & believe me it is the MOST desirable spot!

3 miracles! Bing Bang Boom!

Guess D was rewarded for sharing her gifts & singing in the choir all morning ... while I played hookey, stayed home & languished.

I wasn't able to walk down the midway after the March ended (which was around 730pm - told y'all it's too long in NYC) because of my durn hip. So we drove back to Jersey with easy traffic since it was still so early! Could NOT believe any of it!

As for the parade, the children were out! There were a billion kadrillion GLBT folk & their friends & it was just crazy. Then there were a trillion cops. Everything seemed fine that I saw, except for all the Black women who gave Doris evil looks because she was with a white woman. Some things never change.

Glad to be back home in bed. Yeaaaaa BED!!!

PS: There's been a Charlie's Angels /Farrah Fawcett marathon on TV all night long!!!
Loving it.
.

Dyke Parade Today (Saturday)

17th Annual NYC Dyke March

Saturday June 27, 2009 at 5:00pm

Bryant Park

40th St. & 6th Ave.
New York City, New York Get Directions

The 17th Annual NYC Dyke March steps off at 5 pm sharp on the evening of Saturday June 27th 2009. Everyone should assemble at Bryant Park, located at 42nd Street and 6th Avenue. The march goes down 5th Avenue to Washington Square Park.

It's time to hit the streets! Make some noise. Be visible. Be heard. Demonstrate, agitate, liberate at the New York City Dyke March. Bring signs, banners, drums, giant puppets, flags, hula hoops or just be there!

The New York City Dyke March is a protest march, not a parade -- we don't ask for a permit, because we have the right to protest. As queer women, we recognize that we must organize amongst ourselves to fight for our rights, our safety, and for visibility. Thousands of dykes take over the streets every year in celebration of queer women everywhere and to protest against ongoing , harassment and anti-women violence in schools, on the job, in our families and on the streets.

As always, the Dyke March is open to all women, biological or otherwise - no sign-up or registration required. Just come out with your banners, signs, noisemakers, and beautiful dyke selves, and join in the march!

Website: http://dykemarchnyc.org

There is also a Lesbian Dance on Pier 54 afterward!

We went into The City, watched many people in the comfort of our little RV while chowing down on Papaya's Hot dogs. We drove around different favorite areas & parked for a time. Then we parked right on 8th St & 5th Ave & waited for the parade to pass. Finally they came..hundreds of Lesbians & friends, some were topless & they were all singing When the Saints Come Marching In. But they passed by SO fast. SEVEN MINUTES, I kid you not.

While we had been waiting, the sky had opened & rain started pouring. Everyone got dowsed, (except for us!) Afterwards we drove down the West Side Highway to check out Pier 54... And Low & Behold - There they all were!!! The rest of the parade! A gillion hot. sweatty dykes, jumping around to the DJ's tunes at the big Dance. It was $25 a person to get in, but Doris & I kept on driving... We had to go line up for the Holland Tunnel to get back to Jersey.

Ahhhh. Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home.
.

.

My Daddy

Today is Father's Day.
I had a really great Daddy!
His name was Paul.
Paul Euclid xxxxxxxx,
an odd middle name, but he turned out to be an accountant
so it was actually fitting.
He was always an executive in his jobs,-
always a vice president-treasure,
so he was able to be a great provider!
Actually, he was very smart, close to brilliant...
at least in my eyes,
Definitely the smartest in our family.
And he was always nice to me.
He loved me & I knew it.
Altho' he was not demonstrative, warm or fuzzy.

He lived more in his head than in his heart.
He often would be reading during his time off, whether it was newspapers, magazines, or one of his many hard-cover books - while listening to classical music of which he had vast amounts of LPs. Not to mention a fabulous sound system. He had a library where he had books BEHIND books. And after he had bypass surgery, he took a speed reading course so he could try to finish reading all his beloved books before he died at the age of 68.

He also had a work bench & giant tools in the garage & was very handy - when he got the chance.

His other hobby was photography, he had Nikons & also could develop his own pictures which he taught me to do at a young age. (8yrs!). (I now am a great amature photographer, but didn't retain the development process!)

Since all his hobbies & interests were something he only did alone, I figured out a way to get more attention by becoming the center of many of the photos he took. My brother & I were chronicled growing up & I love being able to visit our childhood thru all the pictures.

My father was a very dapper dresser with all his suits, ties, shoes & hats. However he had no clue how to dress on the weekends, or when he got home from work to relax. He had bermuda shorts with tucked in izod type button-down tees with a Belt... and hurache sandals with socks. heh heh. My poor little daddy.

He was nice to me, kind. And I could tell there were often times I fascinated him. He was my smart, little ole Daddy & I loved him.

But he was gone a lot - traveled abroad often for his job. Emotionally he was a vapor. He frustrated my Mother no end, never gave her much attention, was not at all romantic, never gave her compliments for all her cooking, house keeping, & the lovely way she always dressed & took care of herself. She tried so hard to please him, but he barely noticed. Too me it was his power struggle & defense.

My mother was VERY difficult. NOTHING EVER made her happy. We all tried & tried, but she would scream & yell, throw hissy fits & slap & hit my brother & I constantly.

I think after his initial shock at the jeckle/hyde crazy, emotional wreck he married, my father just retreated into his shell to escape the insanity. But it certainly didn't help. She was SO needy & he basically refused to get caught up in her craziness. He froze her out. It was cruel.

And her ego was too damn fragile to admit she needed help, so she would only go for "counseling" with our church pastors, develop a crush on them & scare them off.

Mother & Daddy both could have used therapy, but were too busy trying to present a "perfect family" front to the outside world. I think maybe Daddy wasn't that kind to Alan either because my brother would rebel at all the "perfection" that was asked of us & ended up being somewhat of a problem... Poor Alan.

Of course I was always trying to be perfect in order to keep the family together & the happy scherade up. I didn't rebel & go nuts until I moved out to NYC at 21yrs.

Well anyway, this was supposed to be about my father, but I had to bring up the truth in how he never got help for my mother. When I told him she was crazy, he said 'NO she's NOT." I really don't know how they stayed together all those years, pretending to the world that everything was fine.

My Dad tho' DID try to give us wonderful vacations, driving us cross country, camping in different National Parks each year! It was his way of educating us & it was glorious! Apart from my Mother exploding every 3 days at just the stress of being Ruth, (don't you love it - Ruth & Paul?) it was great fun & adventures, & some of my best childhood memories.

And my Most Favorite memory is when driving me to my 3rd year of college, he pulled over for fuel at a gas station & bought me a BEAUTIFUL, shiney red Corvair convertable that was for sale there, so they wouldn't have to keep driving 3 hrs to pick me up & take me back!!! It was the biggest thrill ever!

He was a great father - to me. I miss him a lot. He passed about 25 yrs ago. My mother 12 yrs after that. They both did the best they could & I do appreciate it. I wish I would have told them more often.

One thing I learned for sure... It is MUCH easier to forgive after someone dies. I'm so sorry for ALL the pain my Mother lived her life in, altho' she always took it out on us. It is tragic to recall.

And I'm so sorry for the pain my father also lived with (if not contributed to.) I think he may have been living in the closet. In another lifetime perhaps he would have had courage to come out & be gay. We'll never really know & at this time it doesn't even matter.

Happy Father's Day Dad. Thank you for Everything! I'll love you always. xxxooo.

.

Happy Birthday Alan!

Today is my baby brother's 60th birthday! OMG,
I can NOT believe he's really hit the big 6-0.

I remember when we adopted him at 9mo's old. He came toddeling out of a doorway, holding the nurse's hand. He was dressed in little overall shorts with his pudgy legs bulging out into little white sox & lace up baby shoes.
His blonde hair was parted on the side & combed neatly framing those chubby pink cheeks.

It was my birthday that day & I wasn't too sure of this new birthday present. We fought a lot as kids, but thru the years I came to dearly love him.

Not to mention we are the only ones who really know what it was like to have grown up together in our disfunctional household (didn't everyone have one of those?) with our crazy mother (she did the best she could..) & our docile father (a great provider, but he was gone a lot -both physically & emotionally.)

It all was what it was (Hell!) no - just kidding... ah, not really, but anyway - we both SURVIVED!!!

He's a great little brother, even though he grew to 6'4",
& is very talented, generous, good, sweet & thoughtful, jovial -

corny jokes & all! haha!

His wonderful wife Annie has baked a delicious apple, pecan, preline birthday pie for him & no doubt they are celebrating now as I write.

When I called earlier to sing him happy birthday, I asked him how it feels to be 60? He said it really hurts.
He had fallen down wooden steps on the way to work. landed on his butt & tailbone, then his elbow jammed into his already messed up shoulder & he was feelin' the PAIN.

Luckily he was able to take a nap
(yep yep, naps are good after 60!)
& is feeling better. Okay brother dear, onward & upward one day at a time!
Welcome to geeserville!

Happy Birthday A L V I N !!!!

He hates when I call him that, har har!!

I LOVE YOU!

Party Time

We went to a grand LESBIAN! birthday party last night. One of my Flight Attendant friends turned 50yrs & had a huge blow out. The invitations said "elegant white" so everyone dressed in white. (I hate wearing white- I'm so pale & end up looking like a big adhesive bandage..) But everyone else looked fab & it was lots of fun.

It was a catered affair in their back yard with 6 big round tables under a huge yellow stripe canopy. There was a long buffet along side the beautiful swimming pool, a DJ playing jazz while we chowed down, then disco tunes when everyone hit the dance floor!

I didn't dance. I really wanted to, the music was so good & Doris was egging me on. But there were camera shots, video cameras, & other Flight Attendants there, plus I didn't need to chance making the pain in my hip worse. So I sat & ate birthday cake (3 pieces-ha!) while everyone partied thru the night.

Seeing that we live down the street from this soiree, all we needed to do was walk home! Love that. We left around 1100p (geesh, we are old - the craziness was still ensuing with all the other Younger (drunk-ha!) dykes. Actually there were old inebriated lesbians too. Sometimes it's kinda hard to hang around folks who have been drinking all night when I've been clean & sober for so many decades.

It was wonderful to spend time with so many lovely lesbians WITHOUT children running around. (Okay one did bring her beautiful new baby from across the street to show us all, but took it back to her mother after 20 minutes. perfect!)

Everyone had a great time, esp Doris & me! I have to admit though, it was wonderful to get home. There's just no place like BED alone with Doris!

Good GOD, am I a truly sorry boring dud or what? I just re-read this entry & am amazed at how droll I sound. Strange, I don't FEEL like such a giant yutz. Hmmm. Maybe it would have come off different had I been able to dance!

Or not.

Guess I'm just tired from all this sitting around.
.

A True Pain In the Ass

The MRI showed fluid in or on my hip, the doc called it effusion... whatever the hell that is. Plus I have sciatica. Okay, figured that much. Now I have to go for a bone scan to make sure there's no fracture before I start physical therapy. I'll be off of flying the rest of the month! Can't argue with that! Yea.

Did I mention my knee?
And the bottom of my feet hurt ALOT?
Guess I'll go to the foot Dr too.
Might as well make the rounds since I have time now.
Good thing I have 700 hrs of sick time available.
I've been feeling fucking polio stricken
for months now.
Waa waa waa. Okay, I'll shut up.

I'm really not complaining, I feel very blessed it's not worse.
And I'll be patiently biding my time while I heal.

.

Freakin' Mammograms

Went for a mammo today.
My GOD is there any more a barbaric thing than having your breasts smashed between 2 freezing shelves while you hold your breath & they count & take the xrays? At least this technician was nicer than the last 'nurse Rachett' I had do this 6 years ago. It is so painful.

I expect to be called back for more xrays & the sonograms because I am very cystic, it happens ea time. What a drag. An angel on my shoulder told me I am fine & not to worry.

Hope it's not just denial.
.

Time Off!

Doris had flowers, balloons & cards for me on my bday, & I got calls, cards & a present from other friends! It's been so nice.

I haven't blogged that I have gone on the 'sick list' for flying because of that damn pain in my ass I had mentioned earlier. My main Dr said it was sciatica, & I finally went to an orthopedist who took xrays, said don't fly for at least a month because the pain is not getting better. He sent me to get a hip MRI which I did yesterday & I have to wait till next week for a diagnosis.

Those MRI's are no joke. Seriously, I was in that tube for 1 & a half hours, not moving with all that banging & screeching noise going on. phew! It sucked. I hate to think how much I'll have to pay out of pocket after my lousy insurance... yikes.

So anyway, I am taking this time off to rest & enjoy life & hope I don't get harrassed by my freakin' job. (supervisors are famous for that since we have more time off than they do.) Anyway, I can't walk that well, let alone run up & down the asiles serving folks - not to mention trying to balance thru turbulence.

I'm not worried at the moment, just thinking I need to rest my hip. Hopefully there won't be any bad diagnosis. Stay tuned.

Incedentally, that gratitude list I made of the important things I remembered thru my life was good for me! I challenge you all to do the same.... while you can still remember, ha!

5-24-09!

I am so excited! Today I am 62 whole years old! phew! Never thought I would make it this far. Well, you don't think of aging as a kid - only that you too will someday turn 80 something like your grandparents, but who ever dwells on that when you're young, thriving & living life 100 miles an hour in the fast lane?

Here are my most memorable highlights thru the years so far:


Adopting my brother for my 3rd birthday!

Nursery School!

1st grade!

The beginning of MANY wonderful family vacations camping at US national parks ea year!

YMCA Sleep-away camp for years!

Move from Dallas to Richardson!

Big new house & my own room!

Best Friend Tina!

Jr. High (ugh) & braces!

Roller Skating!

Girl Scouts!

Dance Classes!

Modeling

High school!

Eaglettes!

Dances & boyfriends!

Proms & Graduation!

Beauty Pageants!

Going away to College!

Rooming with Tina!

New friend Jeannie!

1st love boyfriend Bobby! (4yrs)

Campus & fraternity parties!

1st car - red Corvair convertable with black upholstry!!!(Favorite Best memory ever of my father buying it for me at a gas station on the way to my jr year in college! - they got tired of driving me & picking me up)

Family moving to California!

Beautiful new big house!

Swimming pool (put in on my birthday!)

Beaches!

Stewardess College!(back in Texas)

Getting based in New York!

Moving to NYC!!!

Flying!

Studying jazz ballet on Broadway with Luigi!!!

Sex (finally!)

Drugs.

Loving Jim!

Loving Jordan.

Loving Gay friend Franklin! (Hawaii trips & discovering the gay scene.)

Disco Queen!

Loving & living with Charlie!

Therapist Sylvia!

Loving Sal

Loving & living with Doug!

Coming OUT!

Loving & living with Kay.

Therapist Leah!

Loving & living with Wendy!

Stop drugs & booze!

The beginning of many 12-step programs thruout the next decade! (They saved my life!!!)

Loving Judy!

Loving & living with Doris!

Best Therapist Carolyn!

Buying a house in NJ with Doris!

Growing old together!
(27 yrs & counting!)

Working with triple buddy bidders Marilyn & Pam for 35 years!

Working with many other wonderful Flight Attendants over 40 yrs!

Planning retirement!


I feel very lucky, happy & blessed.
Today I am just relaxing & counting my blessings. There are so many more I haven't mentioned.

But the very best thing of making it to 62 is that when the time comes and I DO get to retire, I shall be able to collect Social Security to supplement my puny retirement check...
Which won't be much since I'll be taking it early, but so be it!
At least I made it this far!
YEAAAAAAAAAAAA!

.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day was good. I used to hate it because my mother never fit all those beautiful mushy cards, & she never liked the flowers I would send. She was difficult, sad, always angry & most likely depressed - screamed at us & cried all the time. Damn. Guess I'm more like her than I want to admit. I don't scream & cry all the time (THANK the Lord!!!) but I do feel like I've become difficult, sad, angry & depressed a lot in my old age. Of course I'm also fabulous & funny when I'm not all that. But I have to admit I have really become quite a bitch. Not always, but there's an edge. I started taking zoloft 2 weeks ago & I think it's starting to work.

Well anyway, for some reason (family disfunction) I've become the Mother's Day planner each year to get everyone together even if they're not communicating. It always works wonderfully, everyone has a relaxing, delicious luncheon after church at the airport Marriott Laughing & talking for hours. And each year more people come so it's becoming quite the tradition. Of course when it was all over I was so relieved.

I never had children because I knew I would be a bad mother. Folks don't talk about bad mothers much. It's just the hardest job ever in life to be a good mom. Not everyone makes it. I never wanted to be hated so much. I'm sorry to say I wasted so much time despising mine. Now that she's gone it so much easier to forgive & I do acknowledge & appreciate all she dedicated her life trying to do for me. And of course I feel guilty for not being a better daughter. I am however grateful that I never fucked up an innocent little being. Physically or emotionally. phew! The buck stopped with my brother & I. He never had kids either. We didn't pass on the legacy.
.

Back To Reality

Vacation is over. Ratshit. One can never have enough time off. As a matter of fact, the more time off we get, the harder it is to go back to work! Somehow it's easier with only 1 or 2 days off because I'm still in a jetlag stuper doing the 'groundhog day' thing. Anyway I'm flying to Lax this evening. Hope I don't get the frickin' flu - think I'll wear surgical gloves, but probably no mask. It will be interesting to see how FA's are handling all this.

Saw 2 movies. Obcessed with Beyonce, who was really good, but I didn't like the movie because it just bothers me so much that people can come in & try to wreck a relationship so easily. Doris loved it.
Then saw The Soloist with Jamie Fox! WOW Wow WOW!! It was so excellent. And sad. This is a fabulous movie.

Went to the Dr on my time off & she said my butt pain was
ALL Y'all, HAHAHA no just kidding.
She said it is just sciatica. Since it hasn't gone all the way down my leg, I didn't think it was. Guess I'll just take advil or aleve. I feel like such a gimp.

And also she told me I can't just come into an appointment with such a long list of maladies (I had a huge list because I hadn't been there for a year.) I was like why not? When the hell am I supposed to talk about all my body problems??? She said I have to come in more often. So I'll be back next month.

I feel like I got on her nerves, which I do to others often. I can never understand why everyone doesn't just love & adore me, ha! Unfortunately I do tend to try to stay away from drs unless I'm really ill. And the truth is it seems that EVERYThing has gone wrong with me in my 61st year. seriously. Health wise the shit is has hit the fan at 61. Be grateful I am not listing everything HERE...

Later cyber women. Got to spackle & paint the face. Had 2 weeks with naked skin, it was great.
.

Overwhelmed

So - one week down, one to go. Ratshit.
Damn, that week went fast. And seeing that I'm rarely one for looking positively at the glass half full, I am suddenly plummeting into a downward spiral (oh gawd, not one of those again,) & feeling so pissed & depressed that my (puny, little half-ass)"vacation" (cut from 4 weeks to 2 since 9/11 when they took half of everything away from us to try to fight bankruptcy 6 yrs ago) (ahh but management STILL gets all their fucking bonuses & PS we never DID go bankrupt but they haven't restored our concessions) is now already HALF over... FUCK me.
So mother fucking annoying.

Anyway.
Pardon the rant.

Now where was I?

I've mainly just laid around, which IS my favorite M.O. on days off - and therefore haven't accomplished much. Geese, I'm such a slug. And a lazy one at that. 3 things though...

Had a great Saturday last week when we went to the Englishtown flea market & bought a shitload of Red perfume (our fave) (well- we got 2 big ones!) & toffee covered pecans (that's peh 'KAWHNS for you eb readers!). The weather was warm & beautiful & we took the RV. Such a great day, just the 2 of us!

Last Thurs my 2 ex-flying partners who retired 2 years ago (we had worked together for over 3 decades & I was simply morose I couldn't afford to retire with them when we all turned 60) & Doris & I met for lunch at Manatus in the City & had a wonderful time! They can't believe I am still flying 2 yrs later (ME NEITHER!) & we hadn't seen each other in all this time.

Damn they looked great! So much BETTER without all the stress of the job. And me, I still looked dowdy as shit, & beaten down like a fuckin' junkyard dawg y'all. Plus, I am still hobbling along with my right-ass hip pain & knee pain, it is not getting any better, & THEY are just floating lithefully & giddily along without a care in the world now since they escaped from the MAN.

I think to myself - I have a perfectly great job & I count my blessings that I am not among the thousands who have been laid off & lost their livelyhood due to this wretched economy. I still enjoy the majority of my passengers & fellow Flight Attendants. And I will not have any chance in hell to make even close to the same salary to supplement trying to survive on the 'fixed income' of a pension. What - am I NUTS thinking I need to retire soon?

Tonight I finally called a Flight Attendant retirement specialist & agreed to pay her $100 to help me figure all this out. (She charges $50/hr.) Then I broke down & bawled like a dumb-ass baby after I hung up. Doris tried to console me & said it'll all be okay, just pray on it. That's her answer for everything. It is scary & overwhelming to think of ending such a long career when I have nothing saved, my 401K has been turned into a 101K & my health just ain't what it used to be. sigh.

And one more thing... did anyone happen to see the fabulous Drew Barrymore & Jessica Lang in the HBO production of 'Grey Gardens"?
Oh. My. God! So horrifying & compelling at the same time. Not to mention it is my worst nightmare in life to turn into that. seriously. I feel I could easily eventually become either one of those Edie's... loosing everything, all money & support as you delve into poverty with your house in delapidated shambles & turning into a pigstye with tons of cats hanging around, crawling all thru their stinking excretment inside & out... It already IS easy for me to live like a slob - I never have been a neatnick & am definitely NOT the tidiest person- much to Doris' chagrin. Housework has never been a forte' of mine.

So tonight I plunged into the black hole that is my 'closet room' & straightened up the gigantic disarray! Took all night. But I did it. I could do more, but it definitely appears more orderly & organized (at least for me.) Anyway it's a start.
But I really wouldn't mind living with a ton of kitties roaming around in & out. I could SO easily become a crazy old Cat Lady - truly! Good thing Doris would never stand for it.

Okay, that's it. phew.
Sorry I am so boring.
It's just that I've come to the point where if I don't write my bullshit down, I fear I won't remember the process.
oye.
.

Can't Keep Up with the Youngens'

Hey I've got 2 weeks of vacation! Yea!
No, I'm not going anywhere. No money.
But Lordie, I need the rest because I'd picked up 2 extra trips the 1st week to pad my vacation month & put me into overtime. Then I had 2 other trips the 2nd week which were SHIT.

Normally I try to fly LA & back - one leg over, one leg back the next day.
Easy peezie lemon squeezie. Especially if I like whom I'm working with! And since I'm SO senior I can always hold this coveted trip out of Newark.

But since it was vacation month, I bid a selection where I had the 1st week off (to pick up extra time as I said) & then fly 2 Orlando trips the 2nd week which went like this:
ewr-mia (change gates 2 miles over)
mia-mco (Orlando) layover.
next day
mco-stl (St Louis)
stl-mia
change gates 2 miles over & sit for the next plane to land
mia-ewr.

Well.

The 1st day was 2 legs, -bad enough.
But the 2nd day was 3 long legs PLUS all the tromping thru the terminals to the D concourse to sit for the next flight.
I swear to God, I could BARELY keep up (charging thru the fucking airport to change planes) with the (much) younger Flight Attendants... Something has happened to my right butt-hip & it has a stitch in it, I can no longer walk fast. Maybe it's arthritis or maybe I cracked the fucker. Plus my feet were throbbing. I could seriously barely make it. The other FA's said welcome to the real world Kathy, we have to fly this up/down up/down crap all the time. God, I felt so old.

So Easter Sunday I was in church (1st time all year, Doris really wanted me to go) & I prayed to God, please give me a sign when It's time for me to retire. I got the immediate reply - what do I have to do, drop you on the floor? You already can't walk!

So now I am starting to actually consider retirement, but fear I can't afford it. I am going to start going to all the dr appointments & get all that done be fore retirement in case something bad needs to be operated on. I've done the dentist. Next week the internist. May the gyno. I have to schedule a mamo, lung xray & colonoscopy. ick. Guess I should have my feet looked at, too.

It is scary to think of actually retiring even tho I would LOVE to. It's been my life for over 40 years. sheesh. freaky huh? Having no money (dont get much for retirement.) I'll be 62 the end of May so perhaps I can get early ss, but heard we have to wait till 63 now. I have to check all this out. sigh. I feel exhausted just trying to think of all this.

Think I'll take a nap. yawn.

PS, a trainer at the gym seems to think that I pulled a muscle in my butt & gave me an exercise to work it out. He said it's like those muscle spasms I get in my neck/shoulder... and that if a rubber band has a knot in it you can't stretch it out until you get rid of the knot. Okay. That makes sense.

Phew! Beats a cracked hip.

.

Allergies?

I am still sickly. What the hell?? I have to try not to let this develop into the flu. Yesterday on the plane it occured to me that this could be allergies? So today after waking up all snottilish I took an Allegra D that the doc gave me for allergies last year. I Never had allergies before last year so I don't know how to recognize if it is a cold or what. Anybody out there know?

Also, the sump pump stopped working & there was a flood int the basement. Over an inch worth that soaked into the carpet. Crap. So now we have it working if we go down & shake the hose, but it doesn't work by itself so that is a lot of running down the steps.

At least shaking the hose makes it work. guess it's time to buy a new pump. Wish we had more money. fuck.

Frickin' Weight Gain

I'm down 1.2 lbs at ww this evening. Can't believe it, must be because I'm not well. (Still coughing after returning home yesterday, & slept all day today, gotta fly back out tomorrow, got cough syrup & mucinex.)

Saw Starr Jones on Oprah today speaking about her lap band/weight loss journey & she said she still dreams about double whoppers with cheese. I just started crying hearing that. Dumb I know, but it's just such a fucking struggle trying to manage maintence (as evident that I regained back weigh twice in 3 yrs.)

When I bend over I feel that beach ball in my stomach & my uniform pants are once again too tight in the waist. Shit. One of my group pointed out that I'm only 12 lbs over my goal & I could get it back down if I really focus.

Guess it could be worse. I gotta get more positive & stop feeling sorry for myself. I am afterall still somewhat healthy. It would be easier to STAY healthy with out extra flubber & poundage. I know my Knees & feet would appreciate it.

Appologies for the boring entry.

I don't want to get sick.

Saturday was totally dreary so Doris & I stayed in bed all afternoon drinking hot tea, reading (her the papers, & me sTori Telling -someone left it on the plane- Tori Spelling has one bitch of a mother) & watching movies on the LMN channel. It was totally indulgent & very restful.

Eventually we went out for a VERY late brunch! Then picked up a few staples at the grocery & came directly back home, climbed back in bed & continued watching LMN movies. I couldn't believe she did that, Doris gets cabin fever so easily. I'm the one who can spend a few days lounging around since I'm so tired from flying.

Well anyway, the point I'm trying to get to is this:
Today I feel like I coming down with a freakin' cough & chest cold.
I mean - WHaT THE HELL?? I rested all day & my resistance didn't feel a bit down. Crap. I don't get it.

Furthermore, I forced myself to go to the gym today (it's been 2 weeks since the last visit- I am fat again, when I bend over to tie my nikes it feels like a whole basket ball is in my stomach.) Shit shit shit.

Anyway I thought the steamroom might help clear my lungs - which it did at first, but now I feel worse. Plus NOW my right shoulder is all cricked up from pushing the stupid machines & I can barely turn my head. I must be getting so feeble. sheesh.

So tomorrow I have to fly out & I have to try to fake feeling just super-duper, thank you very much. Fuck.
Now I'm trying to go to sleep.
I am definately going to need it.

Is This All There Is?

When i was young, growing up with my (adopted) family thinking I was so much different/talented/special/better which put me on a mission to prove. To show. To be all I could be. (maybe I shoulda joined the army, NOT.)
To get a taste of Who I could be on my own. away from them. so far & so free!

Such a thrill to soar into life on my own (or so I thought - all the years of love, devotion & hope they had for me plus their prayers every night for my well-being left me far from alone.)

Still with all that going for me I failed miserably at reaching the pinnacle of success, not to mention the victory of self-truth as I chose the wrong paths & got lost in sex, drugs & disco - wrong choices, wrong men, wrong directions & a few wrong women too.
A decade of delerious escape from old pain into new pain - still really more of the old oddly enough. more of the same.

what the hell.

I was more successful in life when living with my parents, & failed miserably once I made my great escape.
Why couldn't I succeed with my dreams? What stopped me from becoming my ambitious self. what caused me to retreat into oblivion to where I would finally slowly awaken in such a stupor i would never fully recover?

It's taken so long to be who & what I am now & it is still not enough... tho' it must be for the time being - as this is how far I've come. Until I figure out where to go next. Or even more - how to jolt myself out of my current status-quo.

Once you make your life & get somewhat 'comfortable' languishing in the 'safety' of sleepwalking thru the days, months, years - it is hard to change again.
Am I stagnant?
Am I just plodding along? (sorry Linda! Love that blog name!)
How do I once again just snap out of it & grow even further?
There is still much to learn.
Where do I go, what do I do next?
If I die tomorrow, this just can't be all there is.

Then again... Maybe I'll just roll over & go back to sleep. Such a luxury & really- sleep is so healthy.

Even if I pull myself out of bed & GO TO THE GYM
it will still be more of the same.
Aye yie yie.
Somebody push me!

A Meme From Deborah

Five names you go by:
1. Kathy
2. Kathlene
3. Aunt Kathy
4. Kathymae
5. KMae
(but when passengers ask my name I tell them "Gertrude P. Schlamowitz")

Three things you are wearing right now:
1. glasses
2. sleepshirt
3. nail polish

Three things you want very badly at the moment:
1. Energy
2. money
3. gay marriage legalized

Two people who will probably fill this out:
nobody

Two things you did last night:
1. drove home from the airport
2. picked up chinese food on the way

Two things you ate today:
1. 3 egg whites
2. chicken burger & sweet potato fries

Two people you last talked to on the phone:
1. brother Alan
2. Doris

Two things you are doing tomorrow:
1. going to the movies
2. munching butter popcorn

Two longest car rides:
1. Dallas to Banff Canada
2. Dallas to Boston

Two of your favorite beverages:
1. hot tea/w milk & sweetner
2. diet coke, but I stopped it & now try to drink lemon/lime seltzer

Mid March Malaise

So I guess no news is good news for me the past 2 weeks.
Nothin' much going on here.

Workin' hard for no money. Had Carter Osterhouse or what ever his last name is from the HGTV channel (Carter Can, Trading Spaces) onboard - that gorgeous carpenter. He was SO nice & unassuming.
And that guy who played the police chief on McMillan & Wife all those years ago. He also played Daddy Warbucks in Annie on Broadway & toured for 20yrs with that (he's bald now.) VERY nice.

I've been working with this young gay guy who cracks me up constantly & that truly gets me thru the long days on the plane. We've bid to fly together for 3 months now & I wonder how much longer he will be interested in continuing this since he's so much younger (43.) (I'm 61.) I think he misses his mom & I do feel motherly to most of the younger Flight Attendants - well that would be most all of them since they are all younger than I. Anyway I adore working with Patrick who is a true comedian & works FAST which is my favorite thing. So many are slow & often lazy.

So only one week after that huge snow storm I last wrote about, the weather turned warm &gorgeous the next Saturday. Doris & I took the RV into the City & had brunch at Manatus in the West Village (eb, thought about you & the Queen since we'd dined there once.) Then sat around & people watched for a few hours, drove around checking out how much the scene had changed from the last year, (God- everything keeps changing in NYC especially in the Village) got hot dogs at Gray's Papaya's (the prices there sure went up..shish) before returning home. It was a fun, glorious day, but the next day became cold again, & that continues on here in the East. The fact that spring is supposed to come on Friday will probably be a rouse. Can't wait for warm weather full time.

Been reading all your blogs! Carry on.

Snow

OMG!!!! Do you believe this snow????
I woke up at 0530a & can't believe my eyeballs!
It's a frickin' blizzard out there. And WINDY. WOW.
Looks like 5 inches so far & it's 18 degrees.
It's still dark & still coming down & is wet & heavy.
I am NOT looking forward to shoveling this mess -yikes.
But thank the Lord I don't have to work today, that's a YEA!!!
I'm feeling bad for Val, Pixie & Tina & wondering how it is for those in Conn. Dammmmn. Hope y'all get to stay home.
We got food, & water & HEAT!! We are blessed. Hope the TV & electricity stays good. Doris & I will hibernate today.
It's 0610 now. Think I'll roll over & try to go back to sleep.
ahhhhhhh. Smooshy pillows!

The Phone Is Fixed!

Gaaa. Nothing like being with out a land line for a few days to make you really appreciate having your computer working again! Luckily I think the Verizon man won't be charging us extra... phew! Cell phones are great inventions, but I still like a regular land line.
Yea, life is back to normal...
whatever the hell that is.

The Big Sleep, Panther's Last Hours

The main thing I learned is that it seems much better to take a pet to the vet to have them 'put down' or euthanized even tho' it was pure searing pain personally. It definitely seems kinder than to let 'nature take it's course' as I think poor Panther suffered. I felt so helpless. So sad, - death. Big suckage.

I haven't been able to quiet down enough to feel him or his presence. I had picked him up & held him for about 5 min on the couch kissed him & told him I loved him, then took him back into his room & gently laid him on his right side on this big floor pillow they sleep on. I noticed that blood had gotten on my sweatshirt from his little asshole. I went to the basement to try to wash it out & would check on him during the night to see if he moved back under this stool he had started laying under for 2 days. (That's how I knew he was starting to go down- didn't eat, didn't move from under the stool & couldn't walk without staggering for 2 days.)

I went in a few hours later & stared down at him still in the same place, his eyes were wide open like he was just staring, not blinking... I froze. I thought he was dead. I just stared, trying to see a sign of life. Then all of a sudden he mewed faintly trying to call to me & started to move, kneading his forelegs back & forth & his stomach started moving up & down quickly as he labored to breathe, he threw his head back twice, his tongue pushing all the way out both times. I wondered if it was like a seizure. I lightly petted his head & on down his back, told him I loved him & to go to the light, don't be afraid. I prayed to God to please help Panther since he was seeming to struggle & I called on Charlie (he'd been wonderful with his cats in recovery) & Roxie to come get him. I then went into the living room to watch TV with Boo Boo (I couldn't deal with it well & got scared). An hour later I went back in their room to check on him & I thought he was gone and went back upstairs to bed & finally slept.

In the morning when I went back in there, he looked the same as the night before, so he had definitely slipped away then as I thought. I felt disappointed with myself that I hadn't stayed with him in that final hour (it was around 0300-0400am.) I reasoned at the time that Panther would want privacy to make his transition. Big cop-out I know. Next time I'll take Boo Boo to the vet & I shall just wait longer than I did with Roxie so that it will be more obvious that the time is right. At least she will be in my arms when she passes. sigh. I am so broke, I really shouldn't have animals I can't afford to take care of them right. I just love them so much more than people. Perils of a Flight Attendant I guess.

Feeling guilty is always inevitable. Life is hard.
Thank you so much to those who wrote in with such kind words. xxoo

Valentines Day - the good & the bad

Valentine's day was Great!... Valentine's night - not so much.

When I got home from my last flight, Doris had a huge red heart balloon, red & pink tulips, & 2 great cards for me! I had 2 cards for her. Since VD was saturday we actually had an all day date! Saw 2 movies (The International which Doris liked & had lots of action & Shopaholic which I thought was fun, but the reviews stunk.)

Then we had dinner at Carinos & actually couldn't wait to get home, peel our clothes off, jump into bed & WATCH TV! ha! It was a great day, but truthfully like many other days we have... It's our thing- movies & dinner. It's a wonderful lifestyle if you ask me.

But then...
My big, beautiful black cat Panther died. He had been weak & could barely mew. I was going to take him into the vet to put him out of his misery sun morn, but he left us around 0400am. I was so sad, but relieved I didn't have to do that. God. No matter what or how, it's always terrible & such a loss.

Panther was old - 8 yrs old when we adopted him 14 yrs ago. So that's 22 yrs. Damn. He was such a great cat. And was huge (we called him Big Boy all the time). And funny. It took him years to allow us to pet him, & after Roxie passed away, (only 3 mos ago) he suddenly loved being held & wanted to be in my arms constantly. Perhaps he knew he was getting sick - I thought it was just that he was thrilled to not have a dog around anymore & now wanted total attention. Once again I have so much deep guilt for not taking better care of my animals. God I wish I had money.

At daylight I got up & went outback to dig a grave. I buried my sweet big boy Panther early in the morning, next to his sister Roxie. Now Boo Boo is the only kitty left. I hope she lives for a long, long time - I can't take much more. I'm relieved this dreadful day is over, but I miss my Pan Pan so badly. I so appreciate all the love he gave us thru out his life. I slept the rest of the day. Sigh.

The Never-Ending Battle

OMG. I've gained back 12 lbs in about a month. Shit. I know it's basically 'fear.' I know it's because of the plane ditching in the Hudson. Outwardly it doesn't look like it's affecting me because on the job I'm just regular - happy, perky, fast-working, funny & smiling. But this is how I really feel:
F U C K I T ! If I'm gona die, then let me eat what the hell I want.
And I have been. If I'm evacuating a plane, who the crap cares if I'm at my goal weight??? I'll just be glad I'm still alive.

Damn it to hell. At WW I can only loose 1 lb a week (if I'm vigilant) because at this age, I just can't get it off any faster. So if I buckle down & start now, that's 12 weeks, it will be at least May before I get this flubber back off my frame. And I will still weight 160lbs. (goal weight- the maximum I can weigh without paying the $14/week) Not the 172 lbs I topped off at yesterday's meeting. By May I thought I would have gotten down to 150 lbs.

I'm so disappointed in myself. I was doing so well, but now I'm not even making it to the gym. So clearly, I know what I have to do, it's just that I don't want to (quite frankly.) Do any of us EVER want to cut back on eating delicious food in mammoth portions??? Or move off the couch away from the TV? But oh well. That's what I gotta do. And the sooner the better before summer gets here & I look like I'm carrying a huge barrel in my mid-section underneath my swimsuit & tee-shirts. damn damn damn. It's SO annoying.

I just had 3 days off & spent each day in bed sleeping. Sometimes I'm just so tired from this job. (a little depressed maybe??) It did feel luxurious to get so much rest.

So today I'm flying out again & will definitely TRY to get back on the right path. Lord knows it's time to snap out of it.

More Movies!

I saw "MILK" yesterday! Wow, what a great piece of history! I was around for all that. (Minor detail - I was still living heterosexually- but boy was I gay friendly!) (Hmmm can't imagine why?!) Sean Penn was superb in presenting this documentary type movie. And it just really reminds us how MUCH hell folks had to go thru back in the day so that we can all have a modicum of equality & respect. What a great movie. I miss the 70's, we were all crazy & the music was the best! And damn, did the gay community of that time do a great job!

So today I saw "The Reader." Daaammmmnnn, whoa! I was all prepared to dislike it since it entails pedophilia which I abhor, but I have to say it was amazingly great,with beautiful cinematography & such an interesting story. WOW. I loved it. Winslet was damn good, but the actor who played 'the kid' was outrageously splendid. Kate Winslet was also great in 'Revolutionary Road' which wasn't elected for an Academy Award. (As a pasenger on one of my flights 2 years ago, she was rather pissy.) But I still say Meryl Streep in 'Doubt' & Brad Pitt in 'Benjamin Button' get my vote. Just did not see what the big hoopla was with "Slumdog Millionaire'? It was good but no better than the others. imo.

Now we also saw Pink Panther, He's Just Not Into You, & New In town which were mediocre at best, just so-so. But then I'll do anything for buttered movie popcorn, even go see crap.

Now we've seen about all the nominated movies (except the Barcelona one which isn't showing anywhere around anymore.) I am hoping I can get that Sunday off so I can see the Emmys. I will be SO annoyed if I can't watch it, & unfortunately I do have a trip that sun/mon. Darn darn darn.

Carolyn

I wrote this for my Texas high school's 60's website. Folks were writing in, reminiscing about yesteryear as we are prone to do from time to time the older we get. Carolyn's name came up & I was asked to write about her since she had mentored me thru hard times. I graduated in 1965.

Carolyn Deuback was in the class of '61 at RHS. Always the most beautiful girl next to anyone - anywhere she went, she was also the nicest, sweetest, kindest soul. Her brother Johnny was in our class, but I don't remember him graduating with us & I don't think he was in our Sr. year book, tho' he was in our Jr. pics, or if not in then definitely in our soph pics in '63. I would love to know what happened to him, I googled Deuback Skating Rink & saw there was a listing in Bowie Texas. (Where is that, I can't remember?) Their father's name was John Ed,& their mother's name was Peaches. They were always there, Mrs Deuback taking tickets & money behind the window at the front door & also serving candy & sodas from behind the counter. The partyroom was behind that with big, long tables & benches. Mr Deuback ran the rink calling the shots in the little electronic side booth (couples only. reverse directions. Threesomes. Girl's choice. etc) & he always skated around with a stern face keeping watch over us all with his whistle around his neck. It was hard to get a smile from him, he ran a tight ship.

At the old rink, the party room was in the back with wooden booths & I believe there was more of a menu to choose from to eat. They lived over a two car garage directly next to the rink. When there was a fire, Mr Deuback got badly burned trying to get the family out & his face was scared a bit from it, but was still handsome. As we all know, they rebuilt a new rink with a new, beautiful brick house directly next door & everybody was excited when they re-opened & we could go skate fri nights & sat afternoons & nights! It was always busy.

I started taking skating lessons from Carolyn in the 6th grade & talked my BFF Tina into joining me. We went every sat morning, staying thru the afternoon sessions & it was the most wonderful escape from my mundane, crazy emotional 11yr old life back then. For me, just holding Carolyn's hand skating in circles, taking her instructions, getting better, pleasing her & trying to be her 'best pupil,' & making her laugh gave me the best high. It got me thru the boring school weeks for years & I just could never get enough of her, I had such a humongous girl-crush. And she was very tolerant of my silliness & nervous giggling. She knew I idolized her, but then the truth is everybody did because she was such an amazing young beauty. She was always most popular in high school, head cheerleader, Miss RHS her Sr year, & went on to become Miss Richardson & placed in the top 10 in that yr's Miss Texas Pageant! The girl was GORGEOUS! And naturally so.

Of all the wonderful memories I have of Carolyn, these stand out;
Tina & I went to a RHS football game (it was so long ago it was at Greenville ave stadium, we were in the 7th grade) & Carolyn was cheering away with her big megaphone. We climbed to the top of the bleachers because there was no room anywhere else. Carolyn saw us, waved & motioned to come down to talk, I ran down (Tina was too shy) & we talked thru the chainlink fence for a minute till it was time for another cheer & I floated back up to my seat on cloud nine! I couldn't believe I had been acknowledged by her in front of all those older kids.

By the time I was 14, I got braces, took modeling lessons & started doing little modeling jobs, had been dancing at Buster Cooper's for a couple of years & was becoming a bit less gawky. Carolyn invited Tina & I to go along with her & her best friends Hellie & Shari to see the 'Miss Richardson' Pageant, drove by & picked us up in her old Ford & along we went with the big girls for a fabulous, exciting night, my GOD we were thrilled.

As we got older, Carolyn & I became more like friends. We would write when she went to NTSU & she always encouraged me in any endeavor I would do. I asked if she thought I should try out for Miss Richardson & she replied I always hoped you would. She gave me advice when I called & I was even once invited into the inner sanctum of her room when she showed me a dress she was going to wear for a big function & asked me what I thought. She surprised me the night of the Miss R pageant when she came behind the curtains to my dressing room to loan me a sweet golden necklace of hers to wear during the competitions for good luck! (Which meant more than I could ever say because my parents & brother weren't even there, were on vacation in Fla - never thought I could win) And when I did get the crown, she was the first one up on the stage throwing her arms around me saying I told you you could do it!

Carolyn got married to J.L. Lamb & when I visited her one afternoon that summer in their 1st little apartment she mentioned how they had such a great night listening to Ray Charles' new album. Shortly thereafter she became stricken with Guillain Barre Syndrome. I came home during my freshman year a SFA to see her once again in her bedroom next to the skating rink. This time she was in a hospital bed, her beautiful legs were but broomstick size & she had an oxygen tank. I told her I finally had a handsome boyfriend & she weakly replied I told you you would. I said I missed her & she said I miss you too. She couldn't breathe well & I left shortly thereafter because I didn't want to tax her, & I really didn't know how to handle it.

A cold winter day Tina's mother called her early in the morning while we were still sleeping in our dorm to say Carolyn had passed away. Tina woke me up & gently broke the news to me. It was sad & shocking that someone & beautiful & vibrant had been stricken down so young when she had so much to live for. It's been said 'only the good die young' & Carolyn was surely the higest of GOOD. For months I walked around in a haze & often would wonder into goves of trees & just talk to her in heaven. Friends thought I was going crazy, but they left me alone to grieve & work it out.

In looking back, Carolyn Deuback was one of the biggest influences of my young life. I truly loved her with all my heart & soul, just adored her totally. I treasure the memories. Hope this didn't bore you guys, I tried to cut it down so the stories wouldn't get tedious.