When i was young, growing up with my (adopted) family thinking I was so much different/talented/special/better which put me on a mission to prove. To show. To be all I could be. (maybe I shoulda joined the army, NOT.)
To get a taste of Who I could be on my own. away from them. so far & so free!
Such a thrill to soar into life on my own (or so I thought - all the years of love, devotion & hope they had for me plus their prayers every night for my well-being left me far from alone.)
Still with all that going for me I failed miserably at reaching the pinnacle of success, not to mention the victory of self-truth as I chose the wrong paths & got lost in sex, drugs & disco - wrong choices, wrong men, wrong directions & a few wrong women too.
A decade of delerious escape from old pain into new pain - still really more of the old oddly enough. more of the same.
what the hell.
I was more successful in life when living with my parents, & failed miserably once I made my great escape.
Why couldn't I succeed with my dreams? What stopped me from becoming my ambitious self. what caused me to retreat into oblivion to where I would finally slowly awaken in such a stupor i would never fully recover?
It's taken so long to be who & what I am now & it is still not enough... tho' it must be for the time being - as this is how far I've come. Until I figure out where to go next. Or even more - how to jolt myself out of my current status-quo.
Once you make your life & get somewhat 'comfortable' languishing in the 'safety' of sleepwalking thru the days, months, years - it is hard to change again.
Am I stagnant?
Am I just plodding along? (sorry Linda! Love that blog name!)
How do I once again just snap out of it & grow even further?
There is still much to learn.
Where do I go, what do I do next?
If I die tomorrow, this just can't be all there is.
Then again... Maybe I'll just roll over & go back to sleep. Such a luxury & really- sleep is so healthy.
Even if I pull myself out of bed & GO TO THE GYM
it will still be more of the same.
Aye yie yie.
Somebody push me!