Monday, March 23, 2009

Is This All There Is?

When i was young, growing up with my (adopted) family thinking I was so much different/talented/special/better which put me on a mission to prove. To show. To be all I could be. (maybe I shoulda joined the army, NOT.)
To get a taste of Who I could be on my own. away from them. so far & so free!

Such a thrill to soar into life on my own (or so I thought - all the years of love, devotion & hope they had for me plus their prayers every night for my well-being left me far from alone.)

Still with all that going for me I failed miserably at reaching the pinnacle of success, not to mention the victory of self-truth as I chose the wrong paths & got lost in sex, drugs & disco - wrong choices, wrong men, wrong directions & a few wrong women too.
A decade of delerious escape from old pain into new pain - still really more of the old oddly enough. more of the same.

what the hell.

I was more successful in life when living with my parents, & failed miserably once I made my great escape.
Why couldn't I succeed with my dreams? What stopped me from becoming my ambitious self. what caused me to retreat into oblivion to where I would finally slowly awaken in such a stupor i would never fully recover?

It's taken so long to be who & what I am now & it is still not enough... tho' it must be for the time being - as this is how far I've come. Until I figure out where to go next. Or even more - how to jolt myself out of my current status-quo.

Once you make your life & get somewhat 'comfortable' languishing in the 'safety' of sleepwalking thru the days, months, years - it is hard to change again.
Am I stagnant?
Am I just plodding along? (sorry Linda! Love that blog name!)
How do I once again just snap out of it & grow even further?
There is still much to learn.
Where do I go, what do I do next?
If I die tomorrow, this just can't be all there is.

Then again... Maybe I'll just roll over & go back to sleep. Such a luxury & really- sleep is so healthy.

Even if I pull myself out of bed & GO TO THE GYM
it will still be more of the same.
Aye yie yie.
Somebody push me!


Anonymous said...

I get what you're saying, KMae, but from where I sit there are a lot of wonderful things about your life; good, fun job, loving relationship that has lasted so long, people who love and care about you, roof over your head, a car in your driveway, food in your fridge. Perspective, my friend, a lot of people would kill for just what you have.

KMae said...

Oh YES Pixie, I am truly blessed!
I didn't mean to sound differently - just that I'm feeling a bit stagnant today.
I think it was Natasha Richardson dying so suddenly that shocked me into thinking I should accomplish more before I'm done.

the only daughter said...

You, my dear, are one of my heroines. And, I think you are a rock star.

Thing about choices is that sometimes (most times) we don't know what affect said choice will have the next hour, day, years down the road.

Each minute we get a chance to make yet, another choice.


KMae said...

Thanks Deborah,
Lately I've been feeling stuck.
Like groundhog day.
I'm thinking it's because I can't afford to retire yet.
And I'm 61 & tired!

JulieB said...

I know what you mean K. You get to a certain age and see young people and wonder where your life went. You think you have all this time to live your dreams and then suddenly here you are in middleageland wondering what the hell happened! We have to keep those dreams alive...even if we never achieve them. Besides that, the dreams we have when we are young are SO different from those we have now.

Life and love are precious.

KMae said...

Yep, exactly Julie.
Sometimes I feel like a caged hamster running around in a treadwheel.
It's a little too late to dance on Broadway like I wanted when I was young.

Val said...

Ditto what Pixie & Deborah said... it's all a matter of perspective and appreciating what you have and what you've done.

You've lived,kiddo. And had a fine old time while doing it.

Be proud. Don't wait to be pushed. Look around and just go!