Monday, May 11, 2009

Mother's Day

Mother's Day was good. I used to hate it because my mother never fit all those beautiful mushy cards, & she never liked the flowers I would send. She was difficult, sad, always angry & most likely depressed - screamed at us & cried all the time. Damn. Guess I'm more like her than I want to admit. I don't scream & cry all the time (THANK the Lord!!!) but I do feel like I've become difficult, sad, angry & depressed a lot in my old age. Of course I'm also fabulous & funny when I'm not all that. But I have to admit I have really become quite a bitch. Not always, but there's an edge. I started taking zoloft 2 weeks ago & I think it's starting to work.

Well anyway, for some reason (family disfunction) I've become the Mother's Day planner each year to get everyone together even if they're not communicating. It always works wonderfully, everyone has a relaxing, delicious luncheon after church at the airport Marriott Laughing & talking for hours. And each year more people come so it's becoming quite the tradition. Of course when it was all over I was so relieved.

I never had children because I knew I would be a bad mother. Folks don't talk about bad mothers much. It's just the hardest job ever in life to be a good mom. Not everyone makes it. I never wanted to be hated so much. I'm sorry to say I wasted so much time despising mine. Now that she's gone it so much easier to forgive & I do acknowledge & appreciate all she dedicated her life trying to do for me. And of course I feel guilty for not being a better daughter. I am however grateful that I never fucked up an innocent little being. Physically or emotionally. phew! The buck stopped with my brother & I. He never had kids either. We didn't pass on the legacy.


the only daughter said...

I'm glad you all had a wonderful time and that the "Mother's Day" celebration has continued to thrive.

..and may peace be with you.

otter said...

my brothers and I all chose not to have kids for the same reasons. I have my mother's temper (when I am off my meds)and I NEVER want to put anyone through what she put us through (before she got on meds).
Sometimes the best we can do for our kids is, not have them.

KMae said...

Thanks Deborah.

Otter- that's the worse part - having my mother's temper. You are lucky that she at least eventually got on meds, mine never did.

Maria said...

My partner always swore that she would never have children of her own because her own mother was so bad (she is schizophrenic) and she feared that she would be the same.

She helps me raise my daughter now, but she is much more of a helper than a co-parent and I think that is for the best. Sometimes knowing your limits is the wisest course of action.