A Big Lesson To Learn

I can't believe so much time has gone by since I last posted. I've been held hostage by facebook. My Flight Attendant friends (who are NOT privey to this blog, btw) joke about how I'm on fb every minute of the day. Well it's their fault cause they make me laugh so much & who wouldn't like that??? We're a crazy lot, & often only WE can understand our mania. I miss them, but not so much the work.

I also miss flying with the stars. Tried making a list of all I've met on fb in the notes section & erased the whole thing TWICE. Guess I'll start it with an actual pen & paper. How quaint. Gotta begin writing them all down before I forget who they were... which oh well, too late - I already have...

So here are bullet points to begin my review, not in any kind of order...

Still on sick leave for burcitus & hip pain , which is coming back as the cortisone shots are already wearing off. Also my feet are wrapped up for plantar fasciitis in arches & bone spurs in both heels. I'm hobbeling. It's all made worse from 50 lbs I've put on from not being able to exercise, & well basically eating anything I want.

It's shameful & I'm extremely embarassed when I pass a mirror & see my butt high-up on my back & feel my gut laying in my lap under my giant 38DD boobs when seated.. Good God WHAT have I done to myself. I should know better, & I'm so irresponsible for fucking myself up physically so royally. So ashamed.

D & I went to a funeral in Delaware of her good friend who finally succumed to Lou Gerrigs Disease. She was a prisoner in her body which had totally broken down - couldn't swallow, eat, talk, walk, type & drooled constantly. She was SO miserable. She was 61. She helped raise D's 3 children while they were partners for 6 yrs, decades ago.

I never cared for her much, actually couldn't stand things that she did which were often illegal & fucked up. I had worked hard on myself thru the years trying to be a better person & one thing I felt strongly about was 'do NOT hang around others that do fucked up shit...'.. I wont mention examples here there's no reason to now...

But she did eventually meet a great woman to make a good life with & who helped her get better, & she become excellent in many ways.

She/they adopted & fostered many children who LOVED her. They were all there at the funeral grieving her loss. Her forte' was nurturing each of them & obviously they adored her for it! She has done more with her life for that than I'll ever do with mine... Big lesson for Ms Judgemental Me.

I learned a lot from that & was finally able to respect her, no matter how I'd felt about her bs in the past. My lesson is that no matter what I think about people, they can still grow to do great things & be of wonderful service to others. Imagine that!

I have also learned this from D's pusshead brother who was not such a great prize in my estimation. Now he is helping many elders in the church & has become a good 'pillar of society', even tho' I totally observed him screwing his mother, father & sisters in the past. I enjoy being around him now, but I can't forget the pain he caused those I loved. Guess I'll have to get over it, as everyone else has & they are all just so happy to have him back in their lives.

Went out to a lesbian/gay party for halloween, was a Witch (obviously don't need Halloween for that!), D was Sherlock Holmes & carried a big magnifying glass. so adorable. Couldn't wait to get home & watch Monk at midnight. My God, I have become SUCH an OLD FART... Hope D stays around because there doesn't seem to be much I can to to even WANT to change... I'm tired from all the hard work from the past 41 years & feel a big need to just relax & do NOTHING.

Oh which brings me to the most important landmark... Started my 42nd year with my airline on Oct 24th. Wow. So glad I'm still alive, albeit limping along at the moment! I'm SO grateful for all the blessings God, Goddess, Universe has bestowed upon me thruout these long, often tedious, magical years! Thankyou Jesus!

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I Love Facebook

Well it's official.
I like Face Book better than blogging.
Damn.
Who woulda thunk it???
I have loved blogging for years.
hmmm. What the hell?

First, fb was just for my family & cool lesbians. It was great keeping up with all the grandkids & also my star dykes on fb!
I listed myself as KMae Bee. B is the 1st initial of my last name.

But then I started missing my Flight Attendant friends since Ive been on sick leave for so long. I started picking my favorites to be fb friends. So I changed my KMae Bee to my real name so they'd know who the hell I was. (None of them are on my bloglist...nope.)

And now the majority on my fb are FA's. Some I dont care that much for are asking to be friends. Not sure what to do about that.

The next dilema is since my real name is down there now, so many people from my high school are asking to be friends. I Definitely do not want to accept them. We already have a high school website we all write on.

As much as I care for many of them & see them each reunion, most are fucking dumbass republicans (Im from Texas) & I have no tolerance for their racism & homophobia.

Actually I stopped following some blog friends because I was so turned off that they were supposedly gay republicans. I was Pissed. Dickwad brains. Anyone voting republican does not support MY gay rights..

Of course I know I dont have to accept any friends on fb. But I dont want to hurt peoples feelings either.

So I am trying to figure it out. But I do love fb, its quick & SO funny. Thats the best part. Its addicting. I think I am starting to get carpal tunnel from staying on so long each day. I sure as hell dont get much else done!

Somebody Help me!
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Life Is Good

I can relax now.
Airline Medical called & said after reading my Dr's latest note, I was okayed for 3 more month's time off (till Dec 9!) Okay, now I can breathe again. Phew!

It's not till Dec 31st like my Dr. said, but maybe I'll be better by then anyway. At least I have a chance of Managment not harrassing me. Have mercy! sigh..

I took off my watch. Screw it.
Time schmime.
Won't have to sign into work for awhile now.
Alleluia, Thank ya Jesus!
And Glory to God, Goddess, Uniiverse!!!! In. The. HIGHEST.

Yep, I'm happy.

Doris & I had Baja Fresh Chicken Burritos & Chix Tostada Salad out on the veranda tonight! (uhm.... kitchen door patio.)
YumFuckingOla!!! Or ole' as the case may be.
Beeeaaallllcccchhh! burp!

It was SO great to have such beautiful weather again!

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9/11 eight yrs later

So. It comes back every year. On TV, radio, in papers for the entire day. God, it is a constant, 24 hr rememberance of the shock, terror & insane horror from the worst day of so many New Yorkers & other Americans.

For Flight Attendants - we'll never forget. All of us handle it differently in our lives, but make no mistake - it is always there in the back of our minds the minute we step foot in any airport or on every plane systemwide.

Of course this is all subconscious because who in their right mind (& I use the term lightly for many of us -ha!) would be able to obcess upon it every minute of the day & fly as often as we do?

We are brave survivors & professionals; sometimes it can seem to us that we're professional survivors with some of the passengers we have to deal with & flights that go on forever & last all day...

Speaking personally for myself the long hours, the hard work, all the passenger conversation, & sharing the work load with so many wonderful Flight Attendants get me thru my days & any post traumatic stress that could easily jump to the front of my cranium.. Because if I were to be honest, - that too (pts) - is always hanging in the back of my mind - like a thug lurking in the shadows ready to jump out to bash my brain & destroy my peace.

What A Relief!

So.
I've been moaping around for a few days because I had this Dr's appointment today with my orthopedist & I was SO afraid I would have to go back to work. I had 2 shots & the last one helped SO much I could actually walk again without such a limp.

A month has gone by & now the check up to see if I was okay to fly again. Since I was SO much better than I've been for 3 1/2 months I was afraid he was tired of me & would send me back.

But I still have pain when walking up stairs & walking on hard floors (like a mall) or around the block & in trying to do some exercises... I know I am clearly not good enough to go back, & am afraid my hip will go out again, back to the crippling, searing pain if I go too soon.

I was doing physical therapy 3 x week for 2 months, but I can no longer afford it anymore & owe them $400 plus. It really didnt help that much from what I could tell. The ONLY thing that worked was that 2nd shot! Thank GOD.

Deep breath...

He walked back in the room & gave me a slip to stay out till 12/31st.
Can You Fucking Believe It??? Thank you Jesus! I am so relieved. He said I am still way too weak (yeah that happens when youre in pain & dont move much..) I have bursitus & tendonitus... It is not an easy fix.

I'm very grateful to have enough sick hours left that I can do this. Altho' I've had so much time off - I've never had a summer go bye so fast. I just do not know what happened or where the time went. I don't get it. I was here every minute...
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Another Lazy Day in Paradise- (HOME...)

I truly appreciate being home.
It's certainly nothing fancy,
but It's comfortable here.
And I love it because it's ours.
Even tho' it's falling down around our ears
& we can't afford to fix it...
It's still wonderful because it's just us here.
And Boo Boo the cat.

Today I slept until NOON in the pouring rain!
It was luxurious.
Then started fb'ing & tweeting & reading blogs.
I really am lazy.
Fuck it, I deserve it -
I've worked hard for decades
and I'm TIRED!

Then what do you know?
Bound came on the Logo channel!
Jennifer Tilly (such an ultimate fem) &
Gina Gershon (the sexiest BUTCH in this movie)
drive me CRAZY together!!!
My GOD they're SO steamy & slivering,
just juicy & ripe!

I had Ms Gershon on a flight a couple of times!
(Damn...her Lips are amazing!)
I asked her how she knew
how to be such a good Lesbian in Bound?
She said it was just acting like a man.
Uhhh, no you acted better
than any man ever could!
She said well,
thank you so very much.

Oh Honey,
you are SO very welcome.

Thank YOU!!!
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A New Meme from Ann

1. What is your occupation right now?
Flight Attendant 41yrs

2 What color are your socks right now?
bare feet - yea!

3. What are you listening to right now?
One Life To Live

4. What was the last thing that you ate?
3 egg whites

5. Can you drive a stick shift? If I have to
sure!- my 1st car- 63 Corvair convertable!

6. Last person you spoke to on the phone?
Doris' sister

7 Do you like the person who sent this to you?
We were in High Schoool & Girl Scouts but became good friends later in life, YES!

8. How old are you today?
62 & 3 mos

9. What is your favorite sport to watch on TV?
superbowl

10. What is your favorite drink?
diet coke

11. Have you ever dyed your hair?
bleached starting in the 8th grade & now use a brown glaze

12. favorite food?
spaghetti & meat sauce

13. What is the last movie you watched?
some Johnny Depp gangster picture

14. Favorite day of the year?
5/24th my birthday

15. How do you vent anger?
yell at D. & write in blog

16. What was your favorite toy as a child?
bicycle

17. What is your favorite season?
summer well, anything but winter

18. Cherries or Blueberries?
neither Blackberry- wish I had one!

Do you want your friends to e-mail you back?
yes

20. Who is the most likely to respond?
?

21. Who is least likely to respond?
?

22. Living arrangements?
Doris 28yrs

23. When was the last time you cried?
It's been awhile since I started zoloft! Yea!

24 What's on the floor of your closet?
oh please, I have more than closets, I have a very messy Room full of clothes!

25 Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending to?
not sending

26. What did you do last night ?
facebook & twitter & tv...

27 What are most afraid of?
loosing Doris & getting fired before retiring

29 Spicy or cheese hamburgers?
Cheese burgers!

29. favorite dog breed?
poodle

30 favorite day of the week?
saturday

31. How many states have you lived in?
Texas, California, NYC, New Jersey

32 PEARLS OR DIAMONDS
diamonds

33 What is your favorite flower
Purple Iris

34 What drives you crazy?
Loud, obnoxious people
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Back On Line!!!

I am SO happy to have my computer back & working!!!
Thank GOD, I was so going thru withdrawal. I missed Facebook the most, strangely enough. It really is a neat way to keep up with folks! They seem to write there more than in their blogs.

ALL the people at the Mac store were SO very kind & helpful. I had to go back twice. Those geniuses are brilliant!
I am grateful.

Doris...not so much. Ha!

Meme From Deborah on fb

1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
MORTGAGE

2. Do you miss being a child?
ONLY THE MONEY,,,,,I was privileged & too miserable to know it.

3. Chore you hate the most?
HOUSEWORK - DISHES

4. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?
OUTSIDE - DORIS GRILLED!

5. If you could go back and change one thing what would it be?
I WOULD NOT DO DRUGS OR BOOZE.

6. Name of your first grade teacher?
1ST MISS SMITH
2ND MISS JONES
3RD MRS ALEXANDER
4TH MRS FULLER
5TH MISS LANDRUM
6TH MRS HALFORD

7.What do you really want to be doing right now?
FINDING MY ZEN AT THE SHORE!

8. What did you want to be when you grew up?
DANCING ON BROADWAY

9. How many colleges did you attend?
ONE

10.Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now?
SLEEVELESS COTTON UNDERSHIRT CAC BROKEN
SWELTERING!

11. What are your thoughts on gas prices?
FUCKING STUPID

12.First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
DORIS IS MY ALARM, SHE'S DAMN NOISY

13. Last thought before going to sleep last night?
DAMN I WISH I COULD STOP FARTING

14. What famous person would you like to have dinner with?
JESUS

15. Have you ever crashed your vehicle?
NO THANK GOD, GODDESS, UNIVERSE! AND ANGELS.

16. If you didn’t have to work, would you volunteer?
MAYBE

17. Get up early or sleep in?
SLEEP IN ALWAYS!

18. What is your favorite cartoon character?
BULLWINKLE

19. Favorite thing to do at night with a guy/girl?
LOVE HER

20. When did you first start feeling old?
MID 50's

21. Favorite lunch meat?
HONEY MESQUITE TURKEY WITH SWISS

22. What do you get every time you go into Wal-Mart?
TEE SHIRTS, COSMETICS, VITAMINS, CD's,
MILK, FABULOUS BEAD BRACLETS-HA!
SO MUCH SHIT. LOVE WALMART, DONT CARE IF YOU DISAPROVE.

23. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
OF COURSE NOT, BUT SHOULD BE LEGAL FOR SAME SEX

24. Favorite movie you wouldn’t want anyone to find out about?
BIRD CAGE cracks me up every time!

25. What’s your favorite drink?
DIET COKE, WISH I COULD STOP AGAIN.

26. Who from high school would you like to run in to?
TINA TINA TINA TINA! STILL LOVE HER! (PLATONIC ONLY YOU FOOLS)

27. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now?
EITHER WBLS OR KISS, I SWITCH

28. Sopranos or Desperate Housewives?
SOPRANOS MISS IT BAD.

29. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back?
CHARLIE 7yrs of misery asswipemotherfucker RIP cocksucker

30. Do you like the person that sits directly across from you at work
FLIGHT ATTENDANTS DON'T SIT MUCH

31. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purposes?
YEP - PUTTING OUT A FIRE IN LAVORATORY A ON A 727

32. Last book you finished reading?
TORI SPELLING

33. Do you have a teddy bear?
TONS OF EM

34. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?
OUTSIDE CAMP IN THE POCONOS

35. Do you go to church?
SOMETIMES- I'VE CUT BACK.

36. How old are you?
62.... YEP YEP... creak creak!

• • 
    

omg HELP what do I do???

Fuck. Im shitting... This is a wierd problem I didn't know I'd have.

Okay first let me say I swear all the time. Whatever. Many don't like it, I don't really give a shit , but I do try to tone it down when it's too inappropriate such as like IN CHURCH if I go, or around passengers, or uptight diptwits... They say you can always tell a Flight Attendant that doesn't have children because we cuss like sailors. Plus I've been around the block a few million times & not a lot shocks me.

So now here's the thing... Getting on facebook, I am finding all the grandkids & neices/nephews. It's been real neat! But we all have this *star* niece who I've watched grow up since she was born, the smartest, SWEETEST child that can do no wrong. She graduated high school this year & is going to college & is just the most popular, busy, beautiful, adorable kid! An perfect little angel!

I just found her & got on her FB. It is shooting her & all her friends conversations onto my facebook. OMG. This kid must have multiple personalities. She & her friends are all bantering back & forth with the words 'niggah' 'faggot' 'buttfucker' (well that one's funny, hah) but my point is some of these words I would NEVER say, much less write & I do take offense as I'm sure others who read my fb would, (Doris & her sister (this girl's grandmother) would DIE) & I don't know what to do.

Now I know this huge group of kids are having a wonderful time & it's none of my business how they speak to ea other & I'm not about to say to her dont use those words as she a fucking valdictorian for crise sakes so she already knows right from wrong.

So here's my question - is there anyway I can be on her fb & read it but not have HERs on mine? I don't want to subject my fb "friends" to that crap. What can I do short of just cancelling her as a fb friend?

I really don't think I'm over reacting here.

By George, I think I've Got It!

Well, here's the thing...
I've about conquered Twitter & Facebook. It's taken about 5 days - thanks to all who held my hand thruout the ordeal! ha!

I have a mac that I can take pictures on sitting here about a foot away. I figured out how to post these pics. Still don't know how to get pics from my camera into the computer. But anyway I put a bunch of pics up on fb. So if you're inclined...
my facebook handle... KMae Bee.
my twitter name KMaaee (KMae was already taken, how RUDE!)

I'm trying to learn how to just stay home, amuse myself, (Other than watching TV all day) (Which we all know my lazy ass can easily do!) & not go out to spend a lot of money I don't have. Doris is SO annoyed I've spent so much time on the computer because no one can call her. She should be grateful the bill collectors can't get thru!

Anyway, I posted 2 pics of her on fb. She's purty. grin.
She would be mad if she knew. shhhhhh.
Dont ask dont tell.
.

sleeping sickness

Yikes, I just woke up & already I need a nap.
Geese, what's up with that??

LaaaaaaZeeeee.

Phew!

Okay, it's back to normal now.

I called BCBS & dealt with insurance problems.
I went to the bank.
I payed the mortgage.
I got some lunch & watched 2 soaps.
THEN...
I mowed the lawn.
I vacumed & straightened the kitchen & livingroom.

I jumped in & out of the pool (above ground) to cool off every 15 minutes then went back to cleaning. You see, the airconditioner is broken. I can't afford to fix it. It's fucking swealtering... (okay not like Houston eb, but STILL>.)

I saw a comedian start his gig saying 'I grew up in the above-ground pool neighborhood.' Everybody cracked up, including me. I suppose it is comparable to trailer courts & lower income shanty's.

And I am grateful that I did get to live in a home where we put in an in-ground pool!

But I have never been able to make anywhere near the income my father did, he took care of us well. And let me tell you, on a day like today I am very grateful for our modest outdoor paradise with our 18' round above ground pool under 4 story high trees! It was a scorcher!

Now Doris grilled salmon & veggies! Smile!
Catch ya later.
.

Addiction!

Damn Y'all.
I gotta pull myself away from Twitter & Facebook.
Good Gosh almighty this house is a mess & Doris is so annoyed because no one can get thru on the frickin' phone line. (yeah I know - only one line AND dial up -ha! I'm archaic.)

I have to do something constructive today besides sit on my FAT ass & focus on tweets -Man, that is really COOL, & Fb. I must pick up my shit piles & vacuum.

You guys have been really patient with all my questions.
Thankx a million.


okay try to breathe kathy.

Perplexed!

I can't figure out how to get tweets on my cell.
I can't figure out how to get facebook on my cell.
I hope all y'all are happy. I've been on the stupid computer all day (not kidding) trying to figure out twitter & facebook.
Pixie I tried to tweet Regis_and_Kelly today but it didn't got thru.

It's frickin' annoying, GAWD!!!!

Deb, eb & Nickie got your messages on Facebook.
I'll keep trying.
Man do I feel old trying to keep up with all you youngsters.
.

Twitter Schmitter

Okay, I'm still TRYing to get into tweeting. (It's your fault Pixie for constantly raving you'd rather tweet than blog.) I don't know. I also tried to join facebook because of some of you - don't really like it so much. Which do y'all like better - facebook or twitter? So far I still like blogging.

My hip is feeling better, not limping as much. Perhaps I'll be able to get off the sick list & fly again in Sept. Then again....
The cortizone shots are starting to work.

Was able to connect with a dear friend from the far-away past on twitter, Nickielee! This is a blessing.

Happy Camper!

Went to the Beach again today! WOW, love it so much. But never again on a Friday, didn't think the traffic would be so bad since folks shoulda still been at work at that hour. - The ole bumper to bumper trick, NOT pleasant. I kept telling Doris to turn around & go home, we could catch the Fri showing of One life To Life in 30 min. But she persisted & it was wonderful. Since it took us 2 hrs to get there today, & even longer to find a parking spot, the beach ticket takers soon left their perches at the entrances so we took our beach chairs down to the edge of the water & enjoyed 2 more hours squishing sand between our toes in. God that feels SO FUCKING GOOD!!! I made sand vaginas. They were pretty, Doris was mortified, ha! So relaxing - the fresh air, waves crashing a couple yards away, clouds floating thru a blue sky, sand pipers hopping around looking straight into your eyes begging for food, my true love sitting next to me peering thru her binoculars at surfing bikini butts... ahhhhh, sigh... Total Joy! .

The Beach!!!

We finally went to the shore yesterday!!! God, it was fabulous. I swear, a beautiful Beach is nature's Zoloft. So are Trees & Lakes.
I love it all.

There's been a ton of rain in Jersey this summer & going on a weekend is miserable with so much traffic on the Parkway.

Doris had taken the RV in to be serviced, oil change etc the day before (which was a sweet surprise!) then came home & announced we can go to Ocean Grove tomorrow! (Which was even SWEETER!!) I was SO happy, & then there was actually sunny weather & off we went!!

Since it was Tuesday it wasn't busy or noisey, & we got a great parking spot immediately (which was shocking for sure.) I always forget how cheerful all those beach umbrellas are & how relaxed everybody gets! Folks drag their asses in slow motion trudging along the boardwalk & thru the sand with all their crap & kids. Life & problems seem to come to a screaching halt with all that time to finally reflect & be grateful.

Today was also very pleasant, went to dinner at Red Lobster & decided to go back to the shore tomorrow! Hope the weather stays nice. Yeaaaaa!

Life is good.
.

Another Rainy Day

It's raining
it's pouring
little boys are boring...

Sorry about that.
Reverted back to the 2nd grade
for a few minutes there.
Funny how some things never change!
Har Har.

Another Sunday basking in the house alone,
not going to church.
Man, I LOVE it!
It's almost 200pm now so Doris
will be coming home shortly,
guess I should tidy up the place a bit
since I've just been lounging around,
reading the Sunday paper & watching Moving Up.

I really am lazy. Guess it's true.
Oh well.

I do love just laying around. sigh.
Relaxing is good.
I should try to get more motivated, but fuck it.
When I'm not flying I just don't want to do shit.

The problem is when there is no "structure"
(such as work) in my life,
I just tend to...

hangout,\
watch tv,/
eat,\
sleep,/
& ride where Doris drives me.

Sounds good to me.

For now.

I can just see Doris rolling her pretty eyes
when she walks in & sees me lounging,
not doing anything constructive.
It's okay -

I know that after she gets home
& peels off her church duds,
She'll sit to read the Sunday paper,
And those peepers of hers will slam shut!!!
She'll pass out in a quick minute.

Especially since it's still raining.....

Not to mention it's exhausting
to be singing in church all day,
(How well I remember)
And D is the lead soprano
so my hollerin' baby
will be all tweeted out.

So shortly,there'll be even more
Peace 'in the valley'...

Oh, yeah.

.

Boring June stuff

OMG My frickin' computer hasn't been able to turn on the past week, it's the connection to the phone line & I STILL can't figure out what happened. (I'm an idiot.) So finally, I brought it downstairs & connected to another phone line & thank goodness I can get back on. Phew! I Just don't get what happened to the phone line upstairs. Sheese.

So my hip still hurts, even after a cortisone shot... Getting a bursitis shot next week, maybe that will help. I've been going to physical therapy 3Xweek for 2 months, it really hasn't helped. On top of that, yesterday they tell me I need to do a $30 co-pay for all the past sessions which goes well over $500. Ahhhh, HUHHHH??? So I cancelled half of what's scheduled for next month & guess I'll be sending $30 a month till it's payed off. crap. I HATE BLUE CROSS BLUE SHIELD.

sigh. One day at a time.

Other than that, I'm good, but broke. I can't believe June is over, damn. Summer is speeding by. I may never go back to work if my hip pain doesn't get better. And you know what? I think that'd be just fine. I am really loving being OFF. I really can't get upset about it (yet) because I've had a good 41 years up in the air & at least I can get social security to supplement my lame retirement check. At least it'd be more than what I'm getting on the sick list.

Que sera' sera' what ever the fuck will be....
God Goddess Universe says Be Patient.
.

28th Anniversary!

7/17th... That is our anniversary.
Actually so is July 4th because -
28 years ago on July 4th,
Doris & I decided
we would become a committed couple.
We said 'we will continue dating
for perhaps 2 more months
before we finally have sex!'

It was a good plan, but
we only lasted 13 more days.
(13 has always been my lucky number!)
to July 17th
(Not to mention,
I was a hot, gorgeous
little femmie femme
back then..) Hence -
July 17th is our anniversary,
we became Solid.

We've gone thru many changes
over these days, years, decades.
Those of you
who've been reading my blog
have gone thru
some of the insanity...er..ah..
I mean love & growth...
along with me.

Relationships are tricky
&
none are perfect.
Everyone always asks
how we made it
so long together.
There is only one answer.

Both parties
HAVE TO WANT
to STAY together
& get thru all the bullshit,
the screaming emotional upheavals,
the simmering pissy hurt feelings
...er..ah..
I mean learning life's lessons &
accepting each other's differences...
NO MATTER WHAT.

It will not work
if only one person
puts in 100%.
If the other partner
doesn't care enough to remain
thru the thick & thin,
the pleasure as well as the pain,
the heaven & hell,
it can not work.

Both lovers
have to put in 100% each,
you need 200% commitment...
even though at times
you are sure
you will end up committed
to the looney bin
instead
of a working relationship...

Both people
have to WANT TO STAY
to do all the hard work.

Besides,
if you decide
'fuck it' & bolt
(even tho painful,
it's the easy way out)
you will have to start
ALL OVER AGAIN
at the beginning
with someone else &
deal with all their crap
& baggage
along with your own..
which still sucks because
you haven't worked
on changing yourself & growing
OR
just accepting each other's differences
& moving on together.

Of course,
in no way
should one ever stay
in a bad or abusive
relationship
that is wrong for you.
Better to get out
of that bullshit immediately.
(Wish I had of learned THAT lesson
back in my 20's, 30's & early 40's.
But nooOOOooo.
I stayed to the bitter ends
& wasted a ton of time
& life.)

Okay all that being said
(I'm sorry for the mudane lecture -
don't know WHY I got into all that,)
we had a great anniversary!
Even tho' we are both broke from so many bills,
I got Happy Anniversary Balloons for her,
Doris got beautiful pink roses for me,
& we both got cards for each other.

Then we had a lobster & salmon dinner
at Charlie Brown's
(with her sister) that night on Fri
& yesterday on Sat we drove into the City,
had hotdogs in our RV,
people watched,
talked about when we first met
& all our years together,
then sealed it with a kiss
on the corner of Washington Square
where we had our 1st kiss
28 years ago on July 4th! ha.

Finally we called it a day & drove home,
turned on the TV, climbed back into bed
& felt SO lucky & blessed.

(Finally getting a house together
is the best thing we ever did
about 16 yrs ago.)

I am very happy!
Life is so good.

I say it every time...
Be it ever so humble,
& believe me Ours is modest-
there is just NO place like home!!!

And did I happen to mention
that Doris is STILL
so amazingly DAMN gorgeous
even now till this day???
She is just scrumptious!

I am so lucky.
Really REALLY lucky!

And, of course
so is she.

*grin*
.

Found my College Roomate!

I went to college back in the 60's. My roomate for the first 2 years was my best friend since the 6th grade, Tina whom I still love & adore to this day. Then she dropped out & got a job, then married.

So my Jr year I became a floor counselor for a freshman dorm & had no idea whom I would end up rooming with except it would be her 1st year. I had gotten there early & set up my side of the room & waited on pins & needles.

In walks Lydia. We looked at each other & both thought Oh No. We were about as different as night & day. I was a dumbass beauty queen with bleach blonde hair majoring in Drama & Speech & she was a no-nonsense really SMART, serious au natural girl studying to be a Nurse. She thought 'Oh God, I can Not do this with Her as my roomate.' I thought 'Well this isn't gona be any fun.'

We started chatting as she set up her side of the room, & ended up talking about our life stories all night long. By the time we finally passed out we had become friends.

The next day the dorm mother called me in & said she was moving me up to a different floor. They needed me there & so I said fine, but I'd like to ask my new roomate to join me if she wishes because I did not want to hurt her feelings & have her think I didn't want her. Plus I really LIKED her now.

So I went in to our old room & told Lydia what was happening, & she didn't have to, but would she like to join me? She didn't think twice & said definately! We immediately started gathering all our shit together & moved right on up to our new room! We became super roomies after that.

She was so wonderful & lots of fun. As different as we were, we always had tales to tell each other when we were back in our beds at night. We laughed all the time! She always listened to my problems & was a great sounding board. She was very studious & I was always partying. I so admired her brain & wished I was smart like her. In the end we had a wonderful friendship & loved each other.

It was sad when the school year came to an end and we each went our separate ways. I moved to LA, then on to NYC to fly. She eventually married her handsome boyfriend who'd been writing her thru college, they went into the Air Force & raised 4 beautiful children.
They now live back in Texas & I'm in New Jersey. I've wondered what happened to her for decades, but could never find her on the internet.

I was SO THRILLED to finally find her brother online, & he put me in contact with HER! OMG I could NOT BELIEVE I FOUND HER!!! We talked on the phone for an hour & a half & have started writing email & sending pictures. I can not tell you how happy this makes me!

I finally found my Lydie!!!

bla bla bla

Here it is Sunday again! Thought D was gona stay home today because none of her choirs are singing, but no. Even tho she had mentioned that she didn't have to go to church, her sister called & off they went. sigh. I got really mad. But then got over it.
After all, I forgot I like Suns alone now.

My hip is still in pain when I walk or climb steps. I'm good when I come home from physical therapy but within 30 min the pain strikes again. Guess the icing wears off. I'm worried my company will try to fire me, I've been on sick leave since May.

I do however have plenty of sick time (probably 600hrs left now) as I don't abuse it. But you can't make much money when you don't fly, as there are no expenses or over time. I Always worked so much overtime to try to cover bills (probably why my hip's so screwed up!) But definitely I can't go back until (if) I get better. I have hope. I just hope they don't try to fire me.

It's fucking aggravating that I even have to worry about that type of bullshit after 41 motherfucking years of blood sweat & tears for this dumbass company. Managment are harrassing buttbrains. They suck. Please. Any horrid experience you've ever had flying on any airline, I can give you worse stories about working for the fuckers.

That being said, I still dig the job & am grateful my company has lasted this long, & that I've been able to keep my seniority. So many Flight Attendant's airlines bit the dust & they had to start all over again at the bottom of the heap. I don't know HOW they do it.

Changing the subject, the weather has been beautiful! Since it still rains so much at night it's been cool enough to not need airconditioning. So great. Since ours is b r o k e n.

Gotta go downstairs, get a bite & take vitamins. Have I mentioned how much I love Zoloft since I started it in May?!!!

Sunday Mornings

Sunday morns have become such a favorite for me!
Since Doris retired 3 yrs ago she is home everyday.
She has the most gorgeous singing voice & faithfully sings in the choir every Sun. I did it with her for about 2 decades.

But it exhausted me as Black churches have l-o-n-g services, sometimes with breaks for lunch & a late afternoon service afterward. It always annoyed me we couldn't just go home & enjoy the rest of the Sunday together. Heck it annoys me we can't just spend the day in bed together with the Sunday papers & TV, but anyway...

I am a spiritual person, but sitting in a church building for the whole, damn motherfucking day really started pissing me off & did nothing to calm my furtive soul & bring me closer to "the Lord."

Not to mention, the fabulous American Black Gospel music is what I craved -so much better than the generic sound of white church hymns, even tho' many are the same from the same book!

Also the old spirituals are So mournful but beautiful. Then the choir director got it up his butt to only sing positive &/or new Christian songs, no more depressing or sad spirituals, just happy happy happy music. Well, I about started to loose it.

Jeese, that is not what I signed up for, Some of us LIKE the depressing songs showing how God brings us thru it all. If you are a depressed person all that hippity happity can really make you feel worse.

And as nice as the pastor is, his sermons are mediocre & the longer it goes, the louder he starts to scream & holler. Damn. Screw that shit.

So a year or so ago I just quit going to choir practice & also stopped church Every week. phew. What relief I felt since I worked so hard & so much, I hardly had any day off for myself. Church had become a job.

NOW, as soon as Miss Singing Johnson leaves, I charge back up to bed & revel in my solitude. I turn on "Moving Up" a tv show I happen to love, break out all the delivered Sunday papers & read the circulars, & pull out ye ole laptop & start catching up on blogs!

Then if she goes out to eat with her brother & sisters (who also have awesome voices & sing in the choir) I have time to either fall back to sleep for a lazy afternoon nap, or zoom to the the health club for the whirlpool, swimming, steamroom & wash my hair.

Either/or - it's all good. Just hanging here in bed alone is exciting because I don't feel guilty like I do after Doris awakens & rushes off to do chores or errands, etc. (She has SO much more energy than I.)

Oh, btw -yesterday, the 4th of July was so great!
Had the most delicious BBQ party at Doris' neice's big home with many family members. Delicious, yummy food!!!! FABULOUS!!!

Then Doris always wants to go to the NYC fireworks, but I hate it because I can't stand being in the middle of all the hundreds of screaming, stinky, sweaty drunks. GOD.

Well we started out late after the party, so we were caught up on the NJ turnpike enroute to the Lincoln Tunnel when all the fireworks started.

So we (& everyone else up there) pulled over to the side of a mile long bridge & just stopped for 30 minutes to watch it all with NYC as a backdrop! It was perfect, it was fabulous!!!! And we didn't even have to go into the City!!! OMG, so wonderful.

We we back home & in bed by the 1100 o'clock news!

Aaaahhhh. No place like home!
Life is so good.
.

Had A Colonoscopy

OMG.
I had a colonoscopy today.
Good fucking grief, I can barely walk now.
Just had a 2 hr nap, so I'm feeling a little better.

The worst part was the prep work yesterday which was beyond gross.

You stop eating & take 4 ducolax pills at 1200 noon.
Drink a ton of water.
At 500p you drink 2 yucky bottles of magnesium citrate which is SO horrid. Just nasty.
Drink tons of more water.

There's just gotta be a better way. uck.

Anyway then you're up all night shitting your brains out every 15-20 minutes. No sleep.
You feel totally sick, dizzy & weak.

At 0630a the next morning, you drink one last bottle of citrate magnesium & drink another ton of water. Gawd.

Then NO MORE WATER after that.

It's just wicked.

Went to the surgery center at 1000a,
& soon I was on O2
& knocked out with an IV of sleep juice, ha!
Then next thing I knew I was waking up
in recovery
& it was over!
Thank the Lord.

I staggered out to Doris who stayed to drive me home,
but not before the Dr. told me everything was FINE!

He had found nothing at all (no cancer, no polyps, no diverticulitis etc.), gave me pictures of my beautiful, clean colon & said go home, have a hamburger, don't ever eat cheese (damn.) & don't drive. Come back in 5 years.

YEAAAAAAA!!!!!

THANK YOU JESUS!!!
Glory to God Goddess Universe!!!

I am so relieved.
I'm glad I did it, but even happier it's over.
Still out of it, going back to sleep.

'

Gay Pride Parade on Sunday

Dang, I was thinking that Doris would have gotten enough of The City & parades yesterday at the Dyke Parade.
But nooooOOOOOoooo.

So off we go after she returned home from church, back to the Big Apple in the grueling Gay Pride Traffic. shit.

By that time the Parade was maybe half over, but we were so hungry.

Well so often I think about how lucky it is that I hooked my wagon to Doris' star years decades ago because she truly has angels on her shoulders, & God Goddess Universe often reigns FAVOR down on her...

We found a GREAT parking spot on Bank St. WITHOUT a meter (free!) only 3 blocks from the parade on Christopher St. & Bleeker!
Manatus is on Bleeker where we were seated in a BOOTH! immediately!
Not only is all this so impossible, but afterwards we somehow came out & EASILY slid into the FRONT ROW of the parade on Christopher & Bleeker which is just freakin' insane.
I used to live in the building on the corner & believe me it is the MOST desirable spot!

3 miracles! Bing Bang Boom!

Guess D was rewarded for sharing her gifts & singing in the choir all morning ... while I played hookey, stayed home & languished.

I wasn't able to walk down the midway after the March ended (which was around 730pm - told y'all it's too long in NYC) because of my durn hip. So we drove back to Jersey with easy traffic since it was still so early! Could NOT believe any of it!

As for the parade, the children were out! There were a billion kadrillion GLBT folk & their friends & it was just crazy. Then there were a trillion cops. Everything seemed fine that I saw, except for all the Black women who gave Doris evil looks because she was with a white woman. Some things never change.

Glad to be back home in bed. Yeaaaaa BED!!!

PS: There's been a Charlie's Angels /Farrah Fawcett marathon on TV all night long!!!
Loving it.
.

Dyke Parade Today (Saturday)

17th Annual NYC Dyke March

Saturday June 27, 2009 at 5:00pm

Bryant Park

40th St. & 6th Ave.
New York City, New York Get Directions

The 17th Annual NYC Dyke March steps off at 5 pm sharp on the evening of Saturday June 27th 2009. Everyone should assemble at Bryant Park, located at 42nd Street and 6th Avenue. The march goes down 5th Avenue to Washington Square Park.

It's time to hit the streets! Make some noise. Be visible. Be heard. Demonstrate, agitate, liberate at the New York City Dyke March. Bring signs, banners, drums, giant puppets, flags, hula hoops or just be there!

The New York City Dyke March is a protest march, not a parade -- we don't ask for a permit, because we have the right to protest. As queer women, we recognize that we must organize amongst ourselves to fight for our rights, our safety, and for visibility. Thousands of dykes take over the streets every year in celebration of queer women everywhere and to protest against ongoing , harassment and anti-women violence in schools, on the job, in our families and on the streets.

As always, the Dyke March is open to all women, biological or otherwise - no sign-up or registration required. Just come out with your banners, signs, noisemakers, and beautiful dyke selves, and join in the march!

Website: http://dykemarchnyc.org

There is also a Lesbian Dance on Pier 54 afterward!

We went into The City, watched many people in the comfort of our little RV while chowing down on Papaya's Hot dogs. We drove around different favorite areas & parked for a time. Then we parked right on 8th St & 5th Ave & waited for the parade to pass. Finally they came..hundreds of Lesbians & friends, some were topless & they were all singing When the Saints Come Marching In. But they passed by SO fast. SEVEN MINUTES, I kid you not.

While we had been waiting, the sky had opened & rain started pouring. Everyone got dowsed, (except for us!) Afterwards we drove down the West Side Highway to check out Pier 54... And Low & Behold - There they all were!!! The rest of the parade! A gillion hot. sweatty dykes, jumping around to the DJ's tunes at the big Dance. It was $25 a person to get in, but Doris & I kept on driving... We had to go line up for the Holland Tunnel to get back to Jersey.

Ahhhh. Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home.
.

.

My Daddy

Today is Father's Day.
I had a really great Daddy!
His name was Paul.
Paul Euclid xxxxxxxx,
an odd middle name, but he turned out to be an accountant
so it was actually fitting.
He was always an executive in his jobs,-
always a vice president-treasure,
so he was able to be a great provider!
Actually, he was very smart, close to brilliant...
at least in my eyes,
Definitely the smartest in our family.
And he was always nice to me.
He loved me & I knew it.
Altho' he was not demonstrative, warm or fuzzy.

He lived more in his head than in his heart.
He often would be reading during his time off, whether it was newspapers, magazines, or one of his many hard-cover books - while listening to classical music of which he had vast amounts of LPs. Not to mention a fabulous sound system. He had a library where he had books BEHIND books. And after he had bypass surgery, he took a speed reading course so he could try to finish reading all his beloved books before he died at the age of 68.

He also had a work bench & giant tools in the garage & was very handy - when he got the chance.

His other hobby was photography, he had Nikons & also could develop his own pictures which he taught me to do at a young age. (8yrs!). (I now am a great amature photographer, but didn't retain the development process!)

Since all his hobbies & interests were something he only did alone, I figured out a way to get more attention by becoming the center of many of the photos he took. My brother & I were chronicled growing up & I love being able to visit our childhood thru all the pictures.

My father was a very dapper dresser with all his suits, ties, shoes & hats. However he had no clue how to dress on the weekends, or when he got home from work to relax. He had bermuda shorts with tucked in izod type button-down tees with a Belt... and hurache sandals with socks. heh heh. My poor little daddy.

He was nice to me, kind. And I could tell there were often times I fascinated him. He was my smart, little ole Daddy & I loved him.

But he was gone a lot - traveled abroad often for his job. Emotionally he was a vapor. He frustrated my Mother no end, never gave her much attention, was not at all romantic, never gave her compliments for all her cooking, house keeping, & the lovely way she always dressed & took care of herself. She tried so hard to please him, but he barely noticed. Too me it was his power struggle & defense.

My mother was VERY difficult. NOTHING EVER made her happy. We all tried & tried, but she would scream & yell, throw hissy fits & slap & hit my brother & I constantly.

I think after his initial shock at the jeckle/hyde crazy, emotional wreck he married, my father just retreated into his shell to escape the insanity. But it certainly didn't help. She was SO needy & he basically refused to get caught up in her craziness. He froze her out. It was cruel.

And her ego was too damn fragile to admit she needed help, so she would only go for "counseling" with our church pastors, develop a crush on them & scare them off.

Mother & Daddy both could have used therapy, but were too busy trying to present a "perfect family" front to the outside world. I think maybe Daddy wasn't that kind to Alan either because my brother would rebel at all the "perfection" that was asked of us & ended up being somewhat of a problem... Poor Alan.

Of course I was always trying to be perfect in order to keep the family together & the happy scherade up. I didn't rebel & go nuts until I moved out to NYC at 21yrs.

Well anyway, this was supposed to be about my father, but I had to bring up the truth in how he never got help for my mother. When I told him she was crazy, he said 'NO she's NOT." I really don't know how they stayed together all those years, pretending to the world that everything was fine.

My Dad tho' DID try to give us wonderful vacations, driving us cross country, camping in different National Parks each year! It was his way of educating us & it was glorious! Apart from my Mother exploding every 3 days at just the stress of being Ruth, (don't you love it - Ruth & Paul?) it was great fun & adventures, & some of my best childhood memories.

And my Most Favorite memory is when driving me to my 3rd year of college, he pulled over for fuel at a gas station & bought me a BEAUTIFUL, shiney red Corvair convertable that was for sale there, so they wouldn't have to keep driving 3 hrs to pick me up & take me back!!! It was the biggest thrill ever!

He was a great father - to me. I miss him a lot. He passed about 25 yrs ago. My mother 12 yrs after that. They both did the best they could & I do appreciate it. I wish I would have told them more often.

One thing I learned for sure... It is MUCH easier to forgive after someone dies. I'm so sorry for ALL the pain my Mother lived her life in, altho' she always took it out on us. It is tragic to recall.

And I'm so sorry for the pain my father also lived with (if not contributed to.) I think he may have been living in the closet. In another lifetime perhaps he would have had courage to come out & be gay. We'll never really know & at this time it doesn't even matter.

Happy Father's Day Dad. Thank you for Everything! I'll love you always. xxxooo.

.

Happy Birthday Alan!

Today is my baby brother's 60th birthday! OMG,
I can NOT believe he's really hit the big 6-0.

I remember when we adopted him at 9mo's old. He came toddeling out of a doorway, holding the nurse's hand. He was dressed in little overall shorts with his pudgy legs bulging out into little white sox & lace up baby shoes.
His blonde hair was parted on the side & combed neatly framing those chubby pink cheeks.

It was my birthday that day & I wasn't too sure of this new birthday present. We fought a lot as kids, but thru the years I came to dearly love him.

Not to mention we are the only ones who really know what it was like to have grown up together in our disfunctional household (didn't everyone have one of those?) with our crazy mother (she did the best she could..) & our docile father (a great provider, but he was gone a lot -both physically & emotionally.)

It all was what it was (Hell!) no - just kidding... ah, not really, but anyway - we both SURVIVED!!!

He's a great little brother, even though he grew to 6'4",
& is very talented, generous, good, sweet & thoughtful, jovial -

corny jokes & all! haha!

His wonderful wife Annie has baked a delicious apple, pecan, preline birthday pie for him & no doubt they are celebrating now as I write.

When I called earlier to sing him happy birthday, I asked him how it feels to be 60? He said it really hurts.
He had fallen down wooden steps on the way to work. landed on his butt & tailbone, then his elbow jammed into his already messed up shoulder & he was feelin' the PAIN.

Luckily he was able to take a nap
(yep yep, naps are good after 60!)
& is feeling better. Okay brother dear, onward & upward one day at a time!
Welcome to geeserville!

Happy Birthday A L V I N !!!!

He hates when I call him that, har har!!

I LOVE YOU!

Party Time

We went to a grand LESBIAN! birthday party last night. One of my Flight Attendant friends turned 50yrs & had a huge blow out. The invitations said "elegant white" so everyone dressed in white. (I hate wearing white- I'm so pale & end up looking like a big adhesive bandage..) But everyone else looked fab & it was lots of fun.

It was a catered affair in their back yard with 6 big round tables under a huge yellow stripe canopy. There was a long buffet along side the beautiful swimming pool, a DJ playing jazz while we chowed down, then disco tunes when everyone hit the dance floor!

I didn't dance. I really wanted to, the music was so good & Doris was egging me on. But there were camera shots, video cameras, & other Flight Attendants there, plus I didn't need to chance making the pain in my hip worse. So I sat & ate birthday cake (3 pieces-ha!) while everyone partied thru the night.

Seeing that we live down the street from this soiree, all we needed to do was walk home! Love that. We left around 1100p (geesh, we are old - the craziness was still ensuing with all the other Younger (drunk-ha!) dykes. Actually there were old inebriated lesbians too. Sometimes it's kinda hard to hang around folks who have been drinking all night when I've been clean & sober for so many decades.

It was wonderful to spend time with so many lovely lesbians WITHOUT children running around. (Okay one did bring her beautiful new baby from across the street to show us all, but took it back to her mother after 20 minutes. perfect!)

Everyone had a great time, esp Doris & me! I have to admit though, it was wonderful to get home. There's just no place like BED alone with Doris!

Good GOD, am I a truly sorry boring dud or what? I just re-read this entry & am amazed at how droll I sound. Strange, I don't FEEL like such a giant yutz. Hmmm. Maybe it would have come off different had I been able to dance!

Or not.

Guess I'm just tired from all this sitting around.
.

A True Pain In the Ass

The MRI showed fluid in or on my hip, the doc called it effusion... whatever the hell that is. Plus I have sciatica. Okay, figured that much. Now I have to go for a bone scan to make sure there's no fracture before I start physical therapy. I'll be off of flying the rest of the month! Can't argue with that! Yea.

Did I mention my knee?
And the bottom of my feet hurt ALOT?
Guess I'll go to the foot Dr too.
Might as well make the rounds since I have time now.
Good thing I have 700 hrs of sick time available.
I've been feeling fucking polio stricken
for months now.
Waa waa waa. Okay, I'll shut up.

I'm really not complaining, I feel very blessed it's not worse.
And I'll be patiently biding my time while I heal.

.

Freakin' Mammograms

Went for a mammo today.
My GOD is there any more a barbaric thing than having your breasts smashed between 2 freezing shelves while you hold your breath & they count & take the xrays? At least this technician was nicer than the last 'nurse Rachett' I had do this 6 years ago. It is so painful.

I expect to be called back for more xrays & the sonograms because I am very cystic, it happens ea time. What a drag. An angel on my shoulder told me I am fine & not to worry.

Hope it's not just denial.
.

Time Off!

Doris had flowers, balloons & cards for me on my bday, & I got calls, cards & a present from other friends! It's been so nice.

I haven't blogged that I have gone on the 'sick list' for flying because of that damn pain in my ass I had mentioned earlier. My main Dr said it was sciatica, & I finally went to an orthopedist who took xrays, said don't fly for at least a month because the pain is not getting better. He sent me to get a hip MRI which I did yesterday & I have to wait till next week for a diagnosis.

Those MRI's are no joke. Seriously, I was in that tube for 1 & a half hours, not moving with all that banging & screeching noise going on. phew! It sucked. I hate to think how much I'll have to pay out of pocket after my lousy insurance... yikes.

So anyway, I am taking this time off to rest & enjoy life & hope I don't get harrassed by my freakin' job. (supervisors are famous for that since we have more time off than they do.) Anyway, I can't walk that well, let alone run up & down the asiles serving folks - not to mention trying to balance thru turbulence.

I'm not worried at the moment, just thinking I need to rest my hip. Hopefully there won't be any bad diagnosis. Stay tuned.

Incedentally, that gratitude list I made of the important things I remembered thru my life was good for me! I challenge you all to do the same.... while you can still remember, ha!

5-24-09!

I am so excited! Today I am 62 whole years old! phew! Never thought I would make it this far. Well, you don't think of aging as a kid - only that you too will someday turn 80 something like your grandparents, but who ever dwells on that when you're young, thriving & living life 100 miles an hour in the fast lane?

Here are my most memorable highlights thru the years so far:


Adopting my brother for my 3rd birthday!

Nursery School!

1st grade!

The beginning of MANY wonderful family vacations camping at US national parks ea year!

YMCA Sleep-away camp for years!

Move from Dallas to Richardson!

Big new house & my own room!

Best Friend Tina!

Jr. High (ugh) & braces!

Roller Skating!

Girl Scouts!

Dance Classes!

Modeling

High school!

Eaglettes!

Dances & boyfriends!

Proms & Graduation!

Beauty Pageants!

Going away to College!

Rooming with Tina!

New friend Jeannie!

1st love boyfriend Bobby! (4yrs)

Campus & fraternity parties!

1st car - red Corvair convertable with black upholstry!!!(Favorite Best memory ever of my father buying it for me at a gas station on the way to my jr year in college! - they got tired of driving me & picking me up)

Family moving to California!

Beautiful new big house!

Swimming pool (put in on my birthday!)

Beaches!

Stewardess College!(back in Texas)

Getting based in New York!

Moving to NYC!!!

Flying!

Studying jazz ballet on Broadway with Luigi!!!

Sex (finally!)

Drugs.

Loving Jim!

Loving Jordan.

Loving Gay friend Franklin! (Hawaii trips & discovering the gay scene.)

Disco Queen!

Loving & living with Charlie!

Therapist Sylvia!

Loving Sal

Loving & living with Doug!

Coming OUT!

Loving & living with Kay.

Therapist Leah!

Loving & living with Wendy!

Stop drugs & booze!

The beginning of many 12-step programs thruout the next decade! (They saved my life!!!)

Loving Judy!

Loving & living with Doris!

Best Therapist Carolyn!

Buying a house in NJ with Doris!

Growing old together!
(27 yrs & counting!)

Working with triple buddy bidders Marilyn & Pam for 35 years!

Working with many other wonderful Flight Attendants over 40 yrs!

Planning retirement!


I feel very lucky, happy & blessed.
Today I am just relaxing & counting my blessings. There are so many more I haven't mentioned.

But the very best thing of making it to 62 is that when the time comes and I DO get to retire, I shall be able to collect Social Security to supplement my puny retirement check...
Which won't be much since I'll be taking it early, but so be it!
At least I made it this far!
YEAAAAAAAAAAAA!

.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day was good. I used to hate it because my mother never fit all those beautiful mushy cards, & she never liked the flowers I would send. She was difficult, sad, always angry & most likely depressed - screamed at us & cried all the time. Damn. Guess I'm more like her than I want to admit. I don't scream & cry all the time (THANK the Lord!!!) but I do feel like I've become difficult, sad, angry & depressed a lot in my old age. Of course I'm also fabulous & funny when I'm not all that. But I have to admit I have really become quite a bitch. Not always, but there's an edge. I started taking zoloft 2 weeks ago & I think it's starting to work.

Well anyway, for some reason (family disfunction) I've become the Mother's Day planner each year to get everyone together even if they're not communicating. It always works wonderfully, everyone has a relaxing, delicious luncheon after church at the airport Marriott Laughing & talking for hours. And each year more people come so it's becoming quite the tradition. Of course when it was all over I was so relieved.

I never had children because I knew I would be a bad mother. Folks don't talk about bad mothers much. It's just the hardest job ever in life to be a good mom. Not everyone makes it. I never wanted to be hated so much. I'm sorry to say I wasted so much time despising mine. Now that she's gone it so much easier to forgive & I do acknowledge & appreciate all she dedicated her life trying to do for me. And of course I feel guilty for not being a better daughter. I am however grateful that I never fucked up an innocent little being. Physically or emotionally. phew! The buck stopped with my brother & I. He never had kids either. We didn't pass on the legacy.
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Back To Reality

Vacation is over. Ratshit. One can never have enough time off. As a matter of fact, the more time off we get, the harder it is to go back to work! Somehow it's easier with only 1 or 2 days off because I'm still in a jetlag stuper doing the 'groundhog day' thing. Anyway I'm flying to Lax this evening. Hope I don't get the frickin' flu - think I'll wear surgical gloves, but probably no mask. It will be interesting to see how FA's are handling all this.

Saw 2 movies. Obcessed with Beyonce, who was really good, but I didn't like the movie because it just bothers me so much that people can come in & try to wreck a relationship so easily. Doris loved it.
Then saw The Soloist with Jamie Fox! WOW Wow WOW!! It was so excellent. And sad. This is a fabulous movie.

Went to the Dr on my time off & she said my butt pain was
ALL Y'all, HAHAHA no just kidding.
She said it is just sciatica. Since it hasn't gone all the way down my leg, I didn't think it was. Guess I'll just take advil or aleve. I feel like such a gimp.

And also she told me I can't just come into an appointment with such a long list of maladies (I had a huge list because I hadn't been there for a year.) I was like why not? When the hell am I supposed to talk about all my body problems??? She said I have to come in more often. So I'll be back next month.

I feel like I got on her nerves, which I do to others often. I can never understand why everyone doesn't just love & adore me, ha! Unfortunately I do tend to try to stay away from drs unless I'm really ill. And the truth is it seems that EVERYThing has gone wrong with me in my 61st year. seriously. Health wise the shit is has hit the fan at 61. Be grateful I am not listing everything HERE...

Later cyber women. Got to spackle & paint the face. Had 2 weeks with naked skin, it was great.
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Overwhelmed

So - one week down, one to go. Ratshit.
Damn, that week went fast. And seeing that I'm rarely one for looking positively at the glass half full, I am suddenly plummeting into a downward spiral (oh gawd, not one of those again,) & feeling so pissed & depressed that my (puny, little half-ass)"vacation" (cut from 4 weeks to 2 since 9/11 when they took half of everything away from us to try to fight bankruptcy 6 yrs ago) (ahh but management STILL gets all their fucking bonuses & PS we never DID go bankrupt but they haven't restored our concessions) is now already HALF over... FUCK me.
So mother fucking annoying.

Anyway.
Pardon the rant.

Now where was I?

I've mainly just laid around, which IS my favorite M.O. on days off - and therefore haven't accomplished much. Geese, I'm such a slug. And a lazy one at that. 3 things though...

Had a great Saturday last week when we went to the Englishtown flea market & bought a shitload of Red perfume (our fave) (well- we got 2 big ones!) & toffee covered pecans (that's peh 'KAWHNS for you eb readers!). The weather was warm & beautiful & we took the RV. Such a great day, just the 2 of us!

Last Thurs my 2 ex-flying partners who retired 2 years ago (we had worked together for over 3 decades & I was simply morose I couldn't afford to retire with them when we all turned 60) & Doris & I met for lunch at Manatus in the City & had a wonderful time! They can't believe I am still flying 2 yrs later (ME NEITHER!) & we hadn't seen each other in all this time.

Damn they looked great! So much BETTER without all the stress of the job. And me, I still looked dowdy as shit, & beaten down like a fuckin' junkyard dawg y'all. Plus, I am still hobbling along with my right-ass hip pain & knee pain, it is not getting any better, & THEY are just floating lithefully & giddily along without a care in the world now since they escaped from the MAN.

I think to myself - I have a perfectly great job & I count my blessings that I am not among the thousands who have been laid off & lost their livelyhood due to this wretched economy. I still enjoy the majority of my passengers & fellow Flight Attendants. And I will not have any chance in hell to make even close to the same salary to supplement trying to survive on the 'fixed income' of a pension. What - am I NUTS thinking I need to retire soon?

Tonight I finally called a Flight Attendant retirement specialist & agreed to pay her $100 to help me figure all this out. (She charges $50/hr.) Then I broke down & bawled like a dumb-ass baby after I hung up. Doris tried to console me & said it'll all be okay, just pray on it. That's her answer for everything. It is scary & overwhelming to think of ending such a long career when I have nothing saved, my 401K has been turned into a 101K & my health just ain't what it used to be. sigh.

And one more thing... did anyone happen to see the fabulous Drew Barrymore & Jessica Lang in the HBO production of 'Grey Gardens"?
Oh. My. God! So horrifying & compelling at the same time. Not to mention it is my worst nightmare in life to turn into that. seriously. I feel I could easily eventually become either one of those Edie's... loosing everything, all money & support as you delve into poverty with your house in delapidated shambles & turning into a pigstye with tons of cats hanging around, crawling all thru their stinking excretment inside & out... It already IS easy for me to live like a slob - I never have been a neatnick & am definitely NOT the tidiest person- much to Doris' chagrin. Housework has never been a forte' of mine.

So tonight I plunged into the black hole that is my 'closet room' & straightened up the gigantic disarray! Took all night. But I did it. I could do more, but it definitely appears more orderly & organized (at least for me.) Anyway it's a start.
But I really wouldn't mind living with a ton of kitties roaming around in & out. I could SO easily become a crazy old Cat Lady - truly! Good thing Doris would never stand for it.

Okay, that's it. phew.
Sorry I am so boring.
It's just that I've come to the point where if I don't write my bullshit down, I fear I won't remember the process.
oye.
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Can't Keep Up with the Youngens'

Hey I've got 2 weeks of vacation! Yea!
No, I'm not going anywhere. No money.
But Lordie, I need the rest because I'd picked up 2 extra trips the 1st week to pad my vacation month & put me into overtime. Then I had 2 other trips the 2nd week which were SHIT.

Normally I try to fly LA & back - one leg over, one leg back the next day.
Easy peezie lemon squeezie. Especially if I like whom I'm working with! And since I'm SO senior I can always hold this coveted trip out of Newark.

But since it was vacation month, I bid a selection where I had the 1st week off (to pick up extra time as I said) & then fly 2 Orlando trips the 2nd week which went like this:
ewr-mia (change gates 2 miles over)
mia-mco (Orlando) layover.
next day
mco-stl (St Louis)
stl-mia
change gates 2 miles over & sit for the next plane to land
mia-ewr.

Well.

The 1st day was 2 legs, -bad enough.
But the 2nd day was 3 long legs PLUS all the tromping thru the terminals to the D concourse to sit for the next flight.
I swear to God, I could BARELY keep up (charging thru the fucking airport to change planes) with the (much) younger Flight Attendants... Something has happened to my right butt-hip & it has a stitch in it, I can no longer walk fast. Maybe it's arthritis or maybe I cracked the fucker. Plus my feet were throbbing. I could seriously barely make it. The other FA's said welcome to the real world Kathy, we have to fly this up/down up/down crap all the time. God, I felt so old.

So Easter Sunday I was in church (1st time all year, Doris really wanted me to go) & I prayed to God, please give me a sign when It's time for me to retire. I got the immediate reply - what do I have to do, drop you on the floor? You already can't walk!

So now I am starting to actually consider retirement, but fear I can't afford it. I am going to start going to all the dr appointments & get all that done be fore retirement in case something bad needs to be operated on. I've done the dentist. Next week the internist. May the gyno. I have to schedule a mamo, lung xray & colonoscopy. ick. Guess I should have my feet looked at, too.

It is scary to think of actually retiring even tho I would LOVE to. It's been my life for over 40 years. sheesh. freaky huh? Having no money (dont get much for retirement.) I'll be 62 the end of May so perhaps I can get early ss, but heard we have to wait till 63 now. I have to check all this out. sigh. I feel exhausted just trying to think of all this.

Think I'll take a nap. yawn.

PS, a trainer at the gym seems to think that I pulled a muscle in my butt & gave me an exercise to work it out. He said it's like those muscle spasms I get in my neck/shoulder... and that if a rubber band has a knot in it you can't stretch it out until you get rid of the knot. Okay. That makes sense.

Phew! Beats a cracked hip.

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Allergies?

I am still sickly. What the hell?? I have to try not to let this develop into the flu. Yesterday on the plane it occured to me that this could be allergies? So today after waking up all snottilish I took an Allegra D that the doc gave me for allergies last year. I Never had allergies before last year so I don't know how to recognize if it is a cold or what. Anybody out there know?

Also, the sump pump stopped working & there was a flood int the basement. Over an inch worth that soaked into the carpet. Crap. So now we have it working if we go down & shake the hose, but it doesn't work by itself so that is a lot of running down the steps.

At least shaking the hose makes it work. guess it's time to buy a new pump. Wish we had more money. fuck.

Frickin' Weight Gain

I'm down 1.2 lbs at ww this evening. Can't believe it, must be because I'm not well. (Still coughing after returning home yesterday, & slept all day today, gotta fly back out tomorrow, got cough syrup & mucinex.)

Saw Starr Jones on Oprah today speaking about her lap band/weight loss journey & she said she still dreams about double whoppers with cheese. I just started crying hearing that. Dumb I know, but it's just such a fucking struggle trying to manage maintence (as evident that I regained back weigh twice in 3 yrs.)

When I bend over I feel that beach ball in my stomach & my uniform pants are once again too tight in the waist. Shit. One of my group pointed out that I'm only 12 lbs over my goal & I could get it back down if I really focus.

Guess it could be worse. I gotta get more positive & stop feeling sorry for myself. I am afterall still somewhat healthy. It would be easier to STAY healthy with out extra flubber & poundage. I know my Knees & feet would appreciate it.

Appologies for the boring entry.