Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Feeling better

     I feel better tonight.  The last 2day trip was kinda nerve-wracking because I kept thinking about Doris leaving, I wanted to cry when I spoke with the flight attendants about it.  Sharon Laughlin said this sounded like when Dana left her.  I started wondering if there is another woman she is interested in & already wants.  And she is trying to start these fights just to get out easier.  When I got back, I asked her point blank & she said no.  Later I asked her to swear to God & she swore on her Mother.  That was pretty convincing.  So I'm breathing better.  She said 'going somewhere' meant she just wanted to take a trip somewhere.  hmmm.  Okay, maybe. 

     I saw a RV on the way home from the airport tonight I liked & took Doris to see it.  We both got excited thinking about it.  Big problem tho, it's $15,000.  shit.  Oh for the good old days back when we went camping in the Poconos.  Geese, how many years ago was that, anyway?  You know of course, that I am trying to figure out in my mind if there is ANYway to get another car loan from the credit union.  I'm pathetic.

     Got the pictures back, there are so many,  I have alot of work to do.  There are NO good pics of Doris & I together.  Maybe I'll just have to forego the picturecard.  What a shame.  What ever,  things dont seem to be going all that well anyway.  And What am I going to say in the 'holiday letter'?...  Kathy & Doris are now living in total misery since she has retired...  Merry Xmas & better luck in '06 ?

     I've got to find another way to make money.  I have been feeling too insecure.  Not what I'd pictured with Doris' retirement.  I really don't know, I don't think I can become a better, nicer person.  It's horrifying, I guess I've turned into my mother.  Thank GOD I never had children.  At least I never terrified an innocent young being like I obviously do Doris.  Or maybe I have.  Davion & Nijohn sure haven't thrilled me since they've began to grow up.  Best they haven't been back since the screenhouse incident.  I could not hide my rage.

     When depression hits, it seems like all energy disolves & I just sit in a dazed frazzel.  I loose all control over being nice.  Patience is not even an idea, not a thought.  My nerves become twisted & freyed & my inner shreaking banshee (the ghost of mother past!) comes out of my being with a vengence.  She has become me.  I have become HER!  How could I have EVER let this happen, especially with all the fucking therapy (& therapists!) I've been thru?? I should just change my name to Mrs. Ruth Edith Brodrick.  Oh my God, perish the thought!

      Ah, the life of a schitzo, co-dependant, bi-polar(why not?) MPD nutcase!  Can we say "A n g e r  M a n a g e m e n t  C l a s s e s???"  Like that would even help...  Just push it all back down inside.  I need to find a way to defuse it all before "the bitch" escapes my mind & her thoughts & feelings become verbal.  She really needs masking tape across her mouth, maybe she'll stay out of trouble!  Maybe then Doris would have some peace, & so would I!

     I've been stuffing down anger with food for a few decades now.  So, Now that I'm starving to death with Weight Watchers, (yeah see- it's not MY fault) it's harder to keep the 'lid' on the ole pressure cooker.  And I really want to be skinny again.  So, lots of luck trying to keep "Mt. Vesuvious" under cover here.  Oh, God...  it all seems so impossible.

     These are all just excuses to act out, I guess.  I'm simply too old for all this.  Too tired.  I just want to be happy with Doris.  I gotta try NOT to let anyone or anything get in the way.  Especially myself.  (selves.)


No comments: