Monday, May 16, 2005

How does one just let it slide?

Woke up early from the damn dog barking, I told her no, but couldnt go back to sleep.  I flipped the TV to an early morning Joel Ostein show, he is a great preacher.  Today he spoke about keeping your Peace, ...dont give up your happiness to the devil.... Let God fight your battles,   just dont worry about anything....  Give it all to God.


     Yeah great, but how?  How does one just let everything roll off her/his back?  It's such a good idea, but I do have a temper.  A very, very BAD, Nasty temper.  (Gee thanks ma...)  Always said I would never be like my (crazyass) mother & Ive turned out just like her.  How is this fair, Goddamn it??  After all the years of therapy (God bless my 3 shrinks) I went thru, all the years of AA meetings, DA, CA, SIA, SCA, OA & CODA meetings I went to...,  for what?  To still blame my shit on Mommy Dearest???  Well, since I am 57, I DO need to take responsibility for my own Bull...  But I'll be damned if Im STILL like my screaming banshee mother.  It seems to be getting worse with age.  Either I just cant help it any more, OR maybe I just no longer give a damn at this point.  Which ever it is, I gotta knock it off.  This is unnecessary behavior that will only bring out more shingles bursting thru the epidermis of my body with intense rage & fury.  But if I hold it in, the SAME will happen it seems.  SO...  how the HELL do I just let everything slide ???   Just blow it off?  Roll it off my back?  I dont know.  Doris can do it. She's good at it, altho it often seems to me like she's sticking her head in the sand.  That always annoys the shit out of me....  See what I mean?  But it definately works for her.  Well, Im gonna have to figure out some other way.  I guess it would help if I stopped wanting everyone to agree with me about  - well - basically everything.  To think the brilliant way I do....  what's wrong with them, anyway???  Big stupid idiots.   And is it too fucking much to ask that my own girlfriend would be a militant feminist lesbian (LIKE ME) into fighting for our cause in places say, like Church??  Oh NOOO, she's gona choose to just let homophobia roll of her back & stay calm.  I dont know.  I just dont know how to do that....  And how about when Im totally focused on that wonderful, exciting new show, The L Word so into it, so THrilled there's an actual drama about Gay Women... & girlfriend is gettin up, loudly shuffeling papers around, going down stairs & coming back up with graham crackers in a crackling package, dunking into milk during the most integral parts of dyke trauma drama...  oh GAWD give me SSSStrength....  Lordy, dare I think it??  My Woman isnt even a lesbian.  Not really.  (Im getting nutty here..)  She's just a woman....  A woman who loves me.  Well damn, cant I be gratful for THAT???  Yess Mammm, oh yes I CAN!!!  But God I need help, give me patience to just let the rest roll off my back.  Clearly Doris does.

    Gee Wiz.  Those great trank pills from the dr. only made me sleepy today, they did NOT soothe me, or calm me down.  Sheesh...  That was fast.  oh, well. 

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