Sunday, August 28, 2005

Back To Work

     Well, back on a 757 after 4 months out on the sick list.  Thought I would croak.  God I was tired, my legs were throbbing & my dogs were barkin'.  Seriously, my feet were in such pain.  This job has fucked with my body in so many ways, the 1st of which were MY FEET as far back as '68.  Sheesh.            

     I felt so fat with my huge weight gain (up to 193lbs), I could barely button my blouses not to mention zip up my trousers.  I look like fucking Humpty-Dumpty in polyester/wool navy blue.  It's so embarrassing.  I felt ashamed. 

     I couldnt sleep in my hotel bed, tossed & turned all night, got up & down trying to deal with the air conditioner that sounded like a mack truck charging thru, not to mention the frickin' ice machine was directly across the hall. Of course, everything that bothered me kept circling thru my mind. Esp that fucking, stupid doctor, guilt at getting mad at a passenger, Doris, her kids & grandkids,  having to work at all let alone with a 50% paycut, AAL management... it didnt stop.  

     Maybe got 3 hrs shut-eye. Felt angry, trapped & helpless.  Wanted to call Doris, but didnt - seeing that she happened to mention she was "going to just walk away from all this some day" a week ago. Missed her & missed home.  Thank GOD Pam & Marilyn (Parilyn) were in the back so I could go lament with them.  I'll be flying with them next month, too.  It's the only thing that is making this come-back bearable. 

     I was exhausted by the time I got back the next night. But what do you know, Doris missed me, too!!!  She was so glad to see me.  She loves me.  So why do I have to leave for her to remember this?  At least I could fall asleep in my own bed, our bed.  I was pooped.

     Today she drove me to Bellmar Beach!  It was beautiful!  There's something about the Ocean that is SO relaxing.  Doris wanted us to have a day with just she & I together!  She kept telling me she loves me.  I felt so happy.  It was such a nice day. 

     We walked the boardwalk (what gay beach?  there were very few gays,) had lunch at Mangos outside under a canopy watching the waves, sat on a boardwalk bench gazing upon that gorgeous, lazy summer beach panorama & 4 hours later sat in the car to escape the sun & heat, altho the breeze was cool & sweet. 

     We had a parking spot facing the beach at the board walk so we could people watch right from the front seat - as well as gaze on the blue horizon, the fluffy clouds, the kites, the propellar planes with messages trailing behind & the adventurers flying under a huge balloon, being pulled by a motorboat.  Small whitecaps rode the choppy waves. Wild reeds & plants swayed in the wind amongst the sand dunes with the nautral flowers & pussywillows. Seagulls called & sang to each other as they dove & soared in that fresh ocean air. 

     I was SO relaxed, so calm, so at peace. I put the seat back & fell asleep, an afternoon nap like a kitten in the sun next to my poochie.  Awoke with Doris still taking in the scene & we watched nearly naked people packing up their gear & schlepping back to their beach houses or cars.  Left when the sun was starting to set & stopped off at the Macaroni Grill for delicious grub on the way back.  A most wonderful day.  Perfect.  She really tried to show me she cares.  I love her so much.

     Of course there was the minor detail of finding out that Davion asked her to help pay his new car insurance.  She SAID she explained she couldnt, but she'd help him find out how much it will cost.  Id like to believe her.  We cant even afford our own car insurance, let alone start paying her 17yr old grandson's. I feel resentment that he is starting to ask her for so much. (Like his father always calling her asking for money until I told him to stop.)  I shall try not to panic over this, I felt grateful she had the presence of mind to actually say no... If in fact she did.  Let me Not dwell on it now, I want to bask in the memory of this beautiful day.  Going to the beach is like a mini-vacation!

No comments: