Monday, August 01, 2005

Looking For "The One"... pt.5

     Well, the next weekend I was back at  the Electric Circus, trolling for fine, bent babes.  I was wandering around the top tier that had a glass wall looking down on the dance floor.  I grabbed a grapefruit juice from the upstairs bar & then I spied HER on the other side of the room.  It was the woman on the carousel & wow, did she look beautiful!  I nonchalantly meandered over to her side.  Yikes, she was really tall!  And tough, yet elegant. 

"Hi," I smiled brightly "wanna dance!?" 

     She slipped me a glance through squinty eyes, then looked back at the glass wall, down toward the throbbing dancers. Dang, she was reserved & aloof.  She did Not seem interested. 

"So you Dont want to dance?" I said lamely. 

She gave me the once-over & said "come on," & down we went to join the thundering crowd. 

    I  attempted starting a conversation while dancing away, trying to match my steps to hers.  But she didnt seem talkative. Her name was Doris & she lived in New Jersey.  (Oh, crap- the kiss of death to someone who wanted a City girlfriend.)  Plus just when Id get my steps going with hers, she'd change beats.  Gees Louise, she didnt seem much into partner dancing.  She worked at General Motors & made Cadillacs.  (oooh, I could just See her throwing those car doors & fenders around!)  Trying to get any info from her was like pulling teeth.  But we kept bouncing to the tunes, & I guess she could see I danced better than all the other white girls...  Not that she seemed to care.  Well this was odd.   

     I finally said, "What's the matter, havent you ever been with a white woman?"  To which she replied, "Not really.  But I do have white friends at work."  (Im thinking, Oh great.) 

   "So lets meet here again tomorrow night," I boldly asked. 

     Just then her friend comes & jerks her away saying "we gotta go..."  Im thinking rats!  Then she turns around & says, "I'll see you tomorrow night."


 I smiled broadly & waved goodbye.

     So, that's how it all began.  Doris & I kept meeting at the Dyke Clubs.  We'd call every now & then, but she still didnt say much.  I cant really tell you we developed a friendship, it was more like a close acquaintance.  I thought she was secretive, but it turned out she was quiet.  She was nice, but not too demonstrative.  She acted tuff, but she was sweet.  She was elegant with a butch edge.    She appeared to be a good woman, but something just didnt seem right. I didnt like her friends, the girls she hung out with. Some of them were people I wouldnt want to be around.  I dont know why I kept chasing after her ass, but I couldnt seem to stop. 

     For one thing, Doris was 6 ft tall & magnificent.  She was a cross-between  Cicely Tyson & Nancy Wilson at the time.  Her face was just frickin' beautiful, & her lips were exquisite!  She had a lot of style & carried herself with class.  And she could Sing like Aretha & Patty!  Damn, I wanted her.  I was SO turned on!

     I never knew who was going to show up when I would go meet Doris.  She would dress in different costumes all the time.  There was the army sargent, the navy enlistee, the marine, the cowboy, the boxer, the cop, the mafia guy, the banker, the firefighter, superwoman, my Lord, the list went on!  And she looked great as all of them!  "Dont you ever dress regular," Id say??

     One 4th of July I was out with an ex-boyfriend, & my best gay friend & his lover having dinner.  When dropping the boys at their apt the ex takes out cocaine & chops it into lines & offers it to them.  I just sat there in the front seat of the car, passing the mirror back & forth but didnt take any.  I didnt think it would bother me, but I got annoyed.  Suddenly, I HAD to see Doris.  I had to be with her. 

      After they left, I told my friend to drive me to the Village.  The fireworks were just starting as he dropped me off at 6th Ave & Washington St.  Honey, I jumped out & marched right into De Jevu', a club for black women only, looking for Doris.  I went to the DJ booth & asked Bobbie if D. was there tonight.  Her smile disappeared when she realized I wasnt there to see her, "the tall one with the hat on in the back," she mumbled.  

     Doris was coming of the dance floor, saw me & said "KATHY!" & gave me a big hug.  I told her I had to see her, I hope she didnt mind that I busted into the 'sister space.' (man, all those women acted pissed at me.)  She said she was so glad I did & we sat at the bar & talked for hours.  We decided we wanted to date for real, to be together.  I said "How long do you think we should wait to make love?"  She replied, "About two months."  I smiled.

     We walked outside for her to drive me home.  We reached Washington & McDougal St, across from Washington Square &  she kissed me on the corner there!  Our first kiss!  Boy, it was a wet one.  yikes.  The 4th of July fireworks were still going off!

     After that, I peddled my ass all over town trying to tighten up & worked out at the health club everyday, steamed about 50 different conditioners in my long hair each night & exercised in my hotel rooms on layovers just to become even more fabulous for our upcoming night together in two months! 

     Well, we only made it to 2 weeks!  One night after leaving De Jevu' we stopped off at the Blue Note on 6th Ave & 4th St.  I said lets take a cab to my apt & come back to meet your friends later!  She agreed, but went up to the ladies room 1st.  I later found out she smoked a small joint because she was nervous being with her first white woman.

     I hailed a taxi & we zoomed uptown, ran up the steps & into my studio.  We started kissing as soon as we got in the door, & I led her over to my platform bed.  It was carpeted 4 ft off the floor in the corner, with big mirrors on the walls & a mirror on the ceiling.  A white silk bedspread was tucked around the king mattress with about 20 pink, fat pillows all around.  We threw ourselves down & finally began to share the bliss that we had wanted for so long.  What do you know, Doris turned out to be an expert at giving GREAT head!!!  This is the ONLY person Ive ever been able to come with everytime she went down on me!

     God, she was beautiful!  She was 11yrs older than me & a real Woman!  Her body was to die for, & her skin was SO Soft!  It was exciting, yet a little tense. It was Hot, yet a bit tempid.  It was liberating, but somewhat rigid. It was fun, yet awkward.  We were both scared, yet relived!  It was not perfect, but it was great!  Our fit was not exact, but damned if we didnt have some grande potential!  

     We got back to the club, somewhat disheveled & feeling glorious!  I was glowing again, & had never danced so loose.  Things felt different now.  I was hers & she was mine.  She was mature & I could count on her. 

     That was July 17th, 1981. Happy Anniversary to us, 24 yrs later!  Life is GOOD & I Am BLESSED!  

     I would like to say our relationship was easy, but it has been a long intense road! I sent Doris a dozen white roses the day after our 1st encounter, & called to find out if they were delivered!  Another woman answered the phone.

"Who was THAT?"  I asked.

"Oh that was my daughter."  she said.

"WHAT???  You have a child?"

"Yes I have 3"  A 22yr son, an 18yr daughter, & a 16yr son.

"WWWHHHAAATTT?????  Why didnt you tell me?"  I said unbelivably.

"You never asked," she simply replied. 

     I was shocked.  Back when I loved men, the weekends were always messed up because their children would come to visit.  With women, of course, the kids LIVED there everyday.  I used to be wild & uninhibited in the rack, & now I had to moan & groan quietly.  And not walk around nude.  And not grab & kiss their mother in front of them.  Jesus.  

     When Doris would go to work, her daughter & friends would smoke pot & when I asked them not to do this in front of me, her daughter said "This is my house, I can do what I want."  They would also eat food that I bought (being borderline diabetic) & it wouldnt be there when I returned from a flight.  

     Doris' ex girlfriend would just walk in the house, walk in the bedroom when we were in bed, & walk into her closet to "borrow" clothes to wear. 

     Doris had NO Control over any of them, & really couldnt handle my bitching about it all.  When she moved to another apt, I thought great!  At least we'll be away from her ex, only to find out she moved to where her ex had just moved. 

     I LEFT.  Yep, I bolted twice over the years.  I couldnt take all the bullshit insanity.  She went and brought me back each time.  I remember one night in particular.  We were in the bedroom.  Grown children were in the livingroom, each sleeping -or whatever- with their girlfriends/boyfriend.  It was riduclous & gross.  I had it, & left the bedroom, went & peed with the door opened, stepped butt naked over each couple on the floor or mattresses on my way to the kitchen, where I got a soda from the fridge, stood & drank it with the appliance light shining on my pale titts & ass while holding the door open, slammed it, then stepped back over the "sleeping" group, went back into the bedroom & closed the door.   

      Doris was pissed, but they all stopped bringing their fuckees over shortly thereafter.  I would scream to Doris that it may be "normal" to her to have full grown men laying around in their fucking jockey shorts, but that it was totally destructive for a lesbian relationship.  If I wanted to have that, I could have stayed with men. 

     The 'straw that broke the camel's back' was when her daughter got pregnant & had a baby.  So okay, the little bundle was precious, but her daughter was always "out" & leaving the child with Doris.  Id get in from a flight & she would put the baby in my arms & pass out from exhaustion after work.  I was drained too & needed her attention.  But a tiny newborn needs constant attention  & with our tedious jobs, we were just empty, tapped out.    

     Now I was only into my 1st year being sober.  I was having a hard time dealing with such total, out-of-control insanity, let alone my own life problems.  Doris could only stick her head in the sand so as to Not deal with anything.  I finally said, "Doris, if you want to raise your granddaughter, I think you should.  But if I wanted a child I would have had my own."  To which she replied, "Ive spent my whole life sacrificing, sometimes working 3 jobs at a time trying to raise my children on my own. Im NOT going to raise their's."

     Shortly thereafter, the kids were out of the house & on their own.  And we were finally ALONE AT LAST!  It actually took about 4 or 5 years before we became deliriously happy.  I started going to AA meetings.  I had not gone into "the program" when I first put down drugs & booze.  It really helped, I started to feel more understood by others going thru similar problems. 

     Then I went into Debtors Anonymous to clean up my bills.  After that came Survivors of Incest Anonymous, & from there I got a new, wonderful shrink who truly helped me to become a better person to Doris.  She helped me to become whole &  I actually owe my life to her.  I then started going to Co-dependants Anonymous, & then Sexual Compulsives Anonymous.  That is where I really got my life together, & Im sure Doris was relieved that I slowly stopped behaving like a sex addict & quit trying to wake her up for so much 'personal attention' all the time.  The only problem with that is eventually I needed Overeaters Anonymous...  & still do to this day.

     We started to build the life we wanted & were ecstatic when we were finally able to buy our own house about 10 years ago.  The children & grandchildren (there are 5 now) may come by during weekends, but nobody lives here but us, 2 cats & a dog!  Life has been wonderful & we know we have been truly blessed! 

     Now, the only thing we have to adjust to is Doris being retired.  She is here every minute of the day & we can tend to get on each others nerves now.  (Well, more so than before.)  Believe me, it's an adjustment.  But Im not really worried.  After everything we've been thru for the past 24 years, this should be a peice of cake!

     Looking back, it's a miracle we've made it this far.  We are total opposites & it's taken a lot of hard work, patience & Love. I adore my splendid, sweet, beautiful woman, she is a true gift from God, Goddess, Universe.  I treasure & cherish our life together & there's no one else in the world I'd EVER want to be with.  It took many years, but I actually trust that she would not run around on me.  We spoil each other & take care of each other.  Im always SO proud to be with her & to this day I just crave to look at her exquisitely beautiful face.  I am the luckiest woman in the history of the universe & I thank God everyday! 

     Life is GOOD.


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