Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Having a Difficult Mother


     It takes quite a while after they pass on, to soften the edges of delirium that was childhood.  To climb outside the radius of pain & grief surrounding us, that keeps some of us captive to our jagged past, to our impotent Mother's who withheld their love in exchange for our perfect behavior under their dictatorship.

     The reverberation of their emotional battering & blackmail of power & control struck such fear in us we were left rivited in paralysis for years to come.  For decades, even.

     How sad to be so stuck that we can't even begin to trudge out of the mire of our childhood intensity to reveal our Mother's impossible, unending inner scream from her own nightmares of the past.

     To be so narcissistic to never allow herself to admit her imperfections, her negativity, to refuse to admit she needed serious help only kept her locked into continued behavior that victimized us further.  So they screamed on the outside and they screamed on the inside, but they refused to get better for us or themselves.  With all their drama, they would only go to ministers or some other type of benign "help" usually just to get attention, sympathy & told that God will make it right.  Bullshit.  Go to a real professional when you are so out of control.  Admit your frailities, be a woman & grow the fuck up!

     We are so lucky to have the choice to recover, to make the choice to really try & repair our realities, to find a way to get well & get on with it; with life, with love, with hope & happiness!  We are lucky we are still alive because it's an unending struggle & a long, hard road.  There will always be more work to do, but the results shall be our own personal victories, each one after the other, our personal best.

     One day at a time it is worth it, thru the sweat & the tears, it does get better.  That in itself keeps me hanging on, keeps me going on.  I believe it is possible.  We all have to try.

1 comment:

sunflowersnstone said...

this is truth at its finest. Recovery (from abuse or addiction) is a choice. We have to want it in order to get it. Not recoverying is our choice also. But when we dont recover we hurt not only ourselves but we take the unneccessary chance of hurting others. Recovery benefits the person as well as the community at is the same with not recovering. What we do affects those around us, the same as with your mother/father. The choice to not recover affected you and your family negatively. It matters what we do, it matters for us and for our family and for the community.