Sunday, January 03, 2010

Why I got fatter than ever or MY NEW YEARS RESOLUTION

For me- try again. I must drop this tonnage & never again pick it up. God only knows how long it will take me this time… I’m embarrassed being this big now. I see people staring at me & pretending they’re not. Like they’re looking at a freak side-show. And they don’t say anything because that would be rude. It feels like I failed.

I remember when folks used to basically lear. That was SO annoying. I wanted to scream ‘get your fucking eyeballs off my body.’ It was the 60’s, 70’s & 80’s – a feminist era. Men have always been like that, they think it’s their right to just drool over any & every girl/woman simply because (they aren’t blind &) they can.

So I quit wearing make-up, & fabulous ensambles – just went for tee-shirts & sweat pants.. and THEN found a woman who was SO fucking beautiful that she got all the attention anytime we went anywhere, no one ever looked at me much after that. Well, it was a WELCOME relief & I was so proud to be with her!

But now back to the present. She is no longer proud to be with me, atho’ she still loves me, I know. I have abused my body so much with food that I have grown into a humongous Bertha Butt.

This time my reason was freaking out over the plane landing in the Hudson. Why was I torturing myself with Weight Watcher starvation if in fact that could happen to me too? I went into a huge depression & started eating everything & anything I wanted. That was a year ago last Jan 2009.

So this year, it’s coming back off. Because people are staring at me again not with lust - not that I'd want that, but with a shock of terror. And it’s not just men now, it’s everyone who’s ever known me & then some.
Because it’s sad to see anyone so out of control. And it is so embarrassing I just wish I could dissappear.

So here I go again... one day at a time. I've done it before, I can do it again... I need to get healthy again.


Theresa said...

I so appreciate your honesty. I had quit smoking back in September, well by Thanksgiving I was smoking again. I am on day 3 of quitting, for good this time. But isn't everything such a fucking struggle sometimes? After I have a handle on this not smoking, I too have to concentrate on eating healthier and working out. Don't be too hard on yourself.


the only daughter said...

First, let me say that no one boots up a rant like you.

Second, what Theresa said, don't be too hard on yourself. Once you've made up your mind, I know you'll do it.

You're an inspiration and one of my personal heriones.

JulieB said...

Cindy and I are with you hon! We have resolved to get serious working out on our treadmill that has been sitting gathering dust and clothing. We were much thinner 5 years ago when we got together. Can't let the assholes get us down dammit...we are better than that! Plus I have to look good in case I have to have my picture taken for a jacket cover LMAO