Oh God. Big Fight.

We had a big fight this morning.  It started because after vacuming & straightening the house, I noticed a big smudge mark on the couch the kids left.  I mentioned that it bothered me because they should have cleaned it up with a damp cloth instead of rubbing it in thinking we wouldn't notice. 

 Doris exploded saying I never say anything nice about anyone, that I make bigger messes than that everywhere, & nothing is as bad as what the cats do, scratching the corner of that couch. 

She was screaming & screaming, I was like, well Im trying to change & be neater & clean up more.

 And I was nicer & I was better, belive me if I wasn't so nice I would have said a LOT about Herman that I didnt,

then she was like well you're writing it all in your computer how terrible everyone is,

Im like well I sure as hell can't talk to you about it, God forbid your damn blood pressure will go up, oh I know, let's just all ignore everything & it will go away & everything & everyone will be just fine....  

She went on & on about how terrible I was & am, i was like well if you're so damn miserable why do you stay with me?  She said "I just let it all roll off my back." 

I said you have a lot of fucking nerve after how I worked so hard to get this house together for your kids & grandkids how dare you,

she was like I've cleaned up after your ass for years, & most of this mess was yours... 

I was crying she said oh now you're gona start crying,

I said youre wrong & your fucked up she was like well that makes 2 of us...  it went on & on... 

She said I needed to go to church tonight & pray hard, I said you need a shrink & fucking therapy (& I should have added & SO DO YOU CHILDREN.)

I was so pissed, I have been trying so hard to be good (it is NOT easy) & tidy even getting up this morning to clean to stay on top of it all.  She is pissed at Herman & is screaming at me.  She can go fuck herself, which Im sure she does. 

After that we went to brunch & had a nice afternoon walking around Jersey Gardens Mall.  as if nothing had happened.  well, fine.  Is this the way it will be from now on?  Try to take a page from her & just let it roll of my back?

We came home & she cooked a delecious dinner for us.  By the way I have now lost 25 lbs by the end of the year!!!  since sept. 

Now for New Years Eve we are going to church.  shit.  Id rather just stay in our cozy home in bad flipping thru the new years eve show as the ball drops.  No dinner to go to down the street this year.  Sad, that was fun for the past 2 years. 

I just do not believe this shit.  Gotta run, & get ready.  shit shit shit.  Fuck.

 

Back to Normal

Yesterday took the big duffel bag to Derricks so Herman could pick it up.  Don't know why we didn't leave it there the night before, but Doris wouldn't.  Therefore the whole day was wasted once again searching for Herman's butt, which we still didn't see.  Had taken the kids home the night before so the whole trip was totally unnecessary.  Went to the hairdresser for Doris which took the rest of the evening, but she looked beautiful.  It took so long that I missed Weight Watchers, so I'll go tonight.  Ate at Charlie Brown's & decompressed.  sigh.  Came home & sat on the couch by the Xmas tree & held the cat.  Boo Boo is so sweet.  She calmed me down.  Took a hot bath & crawled into bed.  yea, bed.

     Yesterday I signed up for a free dailey positive thinking email service.  But nothing showed up on the computer today. 

Is It Over Finally?

So okay, Herman never came home.  Fine with me, but the boys are hurt.  We finally took them home after waiting for the Rat Bastard at Derrick's then zooming over to Penn Station in EWR to bring his huge duffel bag to him, couldn't find him there either. 

Doris was mad at me for voicing my opinion about her little asswipe motherfucker.  Like me talking about it is making it worse for the boys.  How can it be worse?  And how can they love him so much?  Everybody just adores this selfish prick buttbrain who calls & leaves messages like, 'everyone wants to spend time with me, but I don't have so much to go around,'  'Next time I'll spend a day with my friends & set aside the rest of my time to be with you & the kids.'

Doris is really furious with him, but she will just let it go so as not to aggravate her blood pressure.   At least this time she did voice her displeasure.  But of course, I should not.  Actually I've been better than usual about it (in my opinion), but not to her. She keeps clearing her throat.  Like that's gona stop my thoughts & feelings on the subject.

When we finally got back home, I was so gleeful: "oh Poochie, isn't it so great to be home alone again, just the two of us!!?"  She replied non-chalantly, "it's okay." 

Well, fuck that.  My whole vacation has been ruined.  As usual.  It's all been built around the holiday, getting the place ready for her family, esp Herman & his boys, creating a comfortable nest for them to visit in, & dealing with the result of their pain of not being put first. 

So I guess that is what it's all about really.  The pain of not being put first.  Better to be the adult, than the child growing up & having to learn & face the reality of not being loved for real. 

As an adult, the pain is just regular that still burns thru the years, something you can forget about with practice, until those times it pops, up, back in your old psyche...  That dull ache (like an old broken bone that throbs in the dampness) reminding you that you weren't then & aren't now good enough, or deserving of true love.  That happiness can only be relative to the moment, not really dependable or even expected.

So the lesson always is that one must create their own happiness, live their own love.  Doris does this well, usually.  I'm always thrown back to the little kid desperate to please, offering her heart to those who just aren't able to give back enough, wanting to become whole no matter what whom ever else does or thinks,...  But stuck in that all to familiar limbo to really make it.  To be it, to live it, to heal it, to do it.  To be who I am & thrive accordingly. 

I always think I've about gotten all this down. Until God (gee thanks, God) throws a monkeywrench into the mix & sends along someone to remind you how fragile reality (yours, mine, their's, ours) still can be.  That the lesson(s) still needs to be learned & conquered,  That one step at a time we must walk thru the aggravation until we become better.  And someday I might finally "get it." 

Until I do, I'll have to repeat the cycles over & over again.  So what is the fucking problem, why is it SO HARD to learn life's lessons?  Some people never do, I doubt seriously my mother did.  I do not want to be doomed to have to repeat all this shit & have to come back in my next incarnation & start all over again with this same crap. 

So what to do, what to do?  Don't get stuck!  Observe it all, recognize what can be changed & what can't.  (I can only change myself, not Herman, not Doris.)  Okay, Go on, live & learn.  Stop bitching, start climbing above it- somehow, someway.  Hmmmm, sounds impossible to me.  Because I'm quite comfortable sitting & complaining.  So try a more positive effect: What?  This is where I get stuck.  Just go on & live.  Love.  Oh man, too much effort.  Gotta do it, gotta be it.  sigh, maybe.  Whatever.  shit.  Lethargy.  Avoidance.  don't wanna.  oh God, here comes that bolt of depression.  I gotta get better at this, or nothing will change. 

Clomp   clomp   clomp.  (Me plodding ahead one step at a time.)  sigh.

AAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa!!!!  I fuckin' hate it,  I really don't know how to get/be more positive. 

Well, gotta try.  Or it will only get worse.

Day Two

Okay, the boys woke the darn dog up again barking me from such a sound slumber.  fuck.  I said to doris, they gotta go home today, I need a vacation, It's my turn now.  She said okay, much to my surprise! 

Then she stayed in bed until 1300 - 100p for you civilians.  I didnt push, say the kids are hungary, shouldnt we be doing something with them, nothing.  We went for brunch finally at 1400  -200p. 

Then we went to Kohls again to get their mother a warm robe, pijamas, & sweater.  Then to Foreman Mills, God that place was great, to get Juan some 4xxxx stuff.  Then went to take them home, but they were so sad since HERMAN the fuckface asswipe father of theirs still didnt come home OR call.  So I said they could take their stuff into their house & come back with us.  They were estatic!  I did a good thing.  I felt good about it.  It is different since it's on my terms & not forced on me by Doris.  Thank you God for changing my heart & making me a better person.

Watched Tina Turner be honored at the Kennedy Center on TV, the whole show was fabulous.                                             Beyonce turned it all out, honeypies-doing Proud Mary.  OMG!!! 

I ate the rest of the christmas food we brought home.  I hope I havent gained.  oh well.  It's all good. 

PS  Got a new black leather jacket.  It's so nice, looks cool on me, too.  yeaaaaaa!!

Day one

     Well, it started this morning when Roxie woke me from a dead sleep barking, she had been awakened by the boys & their dad all moving around & doing well, nothing... 

     Herman was looking for bacon to cook, we don't have any (amazing since Doris is still eating it), I told him we're on diets.  I feed her, put her out & climbed back up to bed, but no wait. 

     Herman wanted me to get on the phone to tell JeRoo how to get to our house "because he wants to visit us.."   Why'd you call him this early I said as I was giving this fool the directions.  Shit.  Another damn man in the house.  I'm going have to fumagate. 

     So he comes, I hear a lot of noise, then  see Herman geting in the car to leave.  He's gone,....  silence.  sigh, I breathe!  But wait, NO.  He left his sons.  Herman just left them, said 'I'll be back in a few minutes I have to go out,"  and that was it for him.

     For the boys tho' deep depression.  They were SO thrilled to see him as usual, but then the next day poof away he goes.  The kids were devestated, altho they should be used to this bS, they always still have hope because they love their father so much.  They tried to pretend they were fine.  Poor babies were so dissappointed. 

     We took them to IHOP for pancakes (I had a fucking turkey/tomatoe sandwich... man, was THAT hard,)  took them shopping for clothes, & Timberland boots, which Doris charged.

     Then Davian threw up.  Hurled his gutts all over Kohls parking lot.  Damn, he was sick.  I tried to help him, Doris & Nijohn were'nt doing much,  The ole flight attendant thing took over (for barfing passengers).  Got him home, in the shower, Doris washed all his clothes, their both downstairs asleep now. 

      Of course Herman hasn't returned.  Or called.   What an Ass.  So what else is new? 

     Okay, I'm done.  I want them to leave & go home.  They are sweet.  But I never wanted kids, & I dont want them now.  Only 6 more days of vacation.  And I need one.  Nijohn said his mother told him they could stay here till next year as they dont have to go back to school.  Ah.....NO I dont think so.   

Christmas

     Well, tonight I have 3 grown men laying around downstairs sleeping.  42 yrs, 18 yrs & 13 yrs.  They are all tall.  Doris' son & 2 grans.  So far Im doing okay, but give me another day or two, I'll be off the damn wall. 

     Really,....  if I wanted men in tighty whiteys laying around I woulda stayed frickin' straight.  Just the fact that they have fucking dicks gets on my nerves.  All that male entitlement they all grow up with is just nausiating.  Men suck.  And they NEVER appreciate a good woman.  Bunch of frickin' putz brains.  (ah, yeah okay, SOME of them are nice...)  (but it's probably all a good act!  HAH!) 

      Other than that, I hope you had a good Christmas!!  I did, it is a good one.  Thank GOD, GODDESS, UNIVERSE that I am still not depressed.  Thank you Jesus!!  And happy Birthday, by the way!      

Christmas Eve 2005

Tonight was the best Christmas Eve ever!  Got up this morning, & did a lot more vacuming & picking up.  Went out with Doris to look for Dora Dolls for Shikienah.  Couldn't find any, they were all sold out.  Bought toys for Jacir.  Looked for Timberland Boots for Davian & NiJohn.  yikes, expensive.  Ate Salmon at Applebys.  It was all nice, just the 2 of us.  Came home, passed out for 20 min.  Straightened out bedside table.  Emptied trashes, while doris did a Betsey Ross & patched up her jeans.  THEN:

Got dressed again & drove to NYC to see the Xmas Tree at Rockafeller Centre & all the City decorations!!!!  Had hotdogs at Papaya Grey.  It was wonderful & all so fun!  Many people were there, Church bells were peeling when a huge cathedral let out after midnight mass.  I had her all to myself, it was  glorious!   It was the best christmas ever ever!!!

Now it's 0300a.  I'm pooped.  But I DID have energy early on, & that my friend was beyond amazing!

Time for sleep!  Merry Christmasssssssssss, what a gift.

Got a Lot done!

Oh my gosh, I'm so proud of myself!

Last night I finished lacing the photo albums, all 10 of them! 

I got up at 1000a.  Cleaned the extra room I use as a closet!  (That took all morn).  (Doris fixed the hanging rods that had fallen off one wall..  Thank God!)

Vacumed the dog & cat room, & the house lightly (more later!)  (I broke the vacum cleaner, but thank GOD, Doris fixed it!)

Doris hung the big blue balls on the dogwood & I went out to help her & finished that up.  (Yep we have big blue balls hanging on trees in our front yard.)  I then hung all the other blue outside lights.  But not as neat & perfect as all the years before.  I basically just threw them up, but it still took a long time.  It looks okay, fine, a bit pretty.  Im not puttng up the white tree with blue lights in the upstairs window this year.  Altho it looks good ea year, I dont feel like it.  so there, humph!

Then I marched from house to house & delievered my xmas letter in all the mailboxes.  I addressed more I had forgotten then drove to the post office to mail them. 

Went to the $1.00 store & got holiday bags for all my photo albums.  Then went & got a Christmas tree for $15. (finally).

Doris helped put up the tree, I put white lights on it & hung a slew of ornaments!!!   YEA!!!!!!!!!  Have more ornaments to put on it, but if I dont, it looks just fine the way it is.  Gosh, I hate putting it up so late, but at least THAT's over.  Thank you Jesus!! 

Okay, there's still alot to do & clean.  BUT if I dont, then so what.  This is enough.  I feel SO fuckin' relieved. 

Doris spoke with her kids & grans today.  Everyone is supposedly coming.  Herman will be on a sun morning Grayhound.  I'm mellow about it for the moment because the house is almost ready.  Doris was even saying I wish nobody is coming.  Now she is saying I hope they all come then everybody leaves immediately.  Here here!  You KNOW that's how I feel.  Would ratherit all just be me & her.

I feel BAD I have no present for Doris.  This is the 2nd year I havent gotten her a gift.  I AM FUCKING BROKE, dammit.  And those dorky photo albums cost about $2000 to do.  I know some day when we are all dead, the children & grandchildren will really appreciate them.  The picture letters, $300.  Not gonna talk about stamps.  I took out more savings to do it all. 

At least I dont have to buy new clothes to wear xmas day since I can now fit in my old ones!!  Boy did I let myself get fat.  phew!  Thank you God for helping me get a grip.

So now after a hot bath, I am ready to crash.  Man, I am tired.  But I am not depressed!  This is good.

Too much stuff to do

stuff to do   stuff to do    stuff to do    stuff to do    stuff to do    stuff to do   stuff to do    stuff to do    stuff to do     stuff to do    stuff to do   stuff to do   stuff to do

SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PS

PS:  I lost 24 lbs now!!!!  Weight Watchers rule!  This is the good news!

YEA, ME!

AAAAAAaaaaa xmas insanity

OYE THE PRESSURE!!!!!!!!!  I can barely stand it. 

 still working on the frickin' photo albums.  never realized how miserable doris is this year until i got all the pics blown up.  well, fuck.  i'm miserable too, life has NOT changed for  the better.  we both look like crap in all the pictures.  there wasn't even 1 good photo of us together.

 and NOW just 3 days before xmas & no telling when the moocher is coming to stay.  yesterday we were supposedly driving to ewr just to mail the bills, some of which were late...  i was like shit, we gotta go all the way to ewr???  'yes yes, the mail goes out right away there.' 

 WELL, after dumping the bills in the mail box, she starts heading the wrong dirrection home.  where are you going????  TO THE BUS STATION TO GET A TICKET FOR HERMAN....  fuck.  very manipulative & dishonest.  i didnt even say anything.  (i imagined tape over my mouth).

 that worked!  have to try that more often.  imagery, it's a good thing. 

 i cant believe it, his mother is retired, he finally has a job, but she has to send him a bus ticket (probably to make sure he comes.)  he is such a deadbeat slime.  HATE HIM. 

 cant stand the thought of him laying over the couch downstairs calling everyone he knows & eating everything in the kitchen. 

 what fucking lesbian wants a full grown MAN laying around the house???  not this one for sure.  but doris loves her children, as well she should.  too bad she raised SUCH A  LOOSER.  And I gotta pretend to welcome him & love him.  he probably knows I can't stand his bullshit gutts.  

  i'll have to pull out the actress vanessa grace, which is still hell because she hates him too!!!  probably better just to do felicia flight attendant, she's MUCH better at acting nice around assholes.  too bad, she really needs a vacation. 

 the house is a MESS.  gotta run, try to get it together.  AAAAAAaaaaaaaa.  doris has no boundaries.  Life is just great.      NOT!!!!

     fuck, shit, piss.

 somebody HEP me!!!  please!

I Have Frickin' Bronchitis

Went to a new Dr. - yikes, not what I'd expected.  Gosh, she was homely - which would be okay, but she was very cold.  No warm fuzzies whatsoever.  However she did say  I have bronchitis & she gave me scripts for an antibiotic & the others; Lipitor & thyroid crap which is good so I don't have to go to my last dumbass Dr.  Also got a flu shot!  That damn antibiotic was $50.  for six.  Good grief.  The nurse was very nice but I didn't like the office. It was in seedy strip mall & not so great, & far away in Edison.  So much for that. At least it's an alternative.  That last fuckin' Dr.Jennifer Asshole May tried to sabatage my job & said I'd never get shingles again, wouldn't sign my family leave papers in case I did.  So if I have to call in sick again, I'm fired.  She had SEEMED nice & had a lovely new office in Summit, but the nurse was a grump & Ms Jennifer turned out to be a pregnant BITCH.  I don't want another young, new Dr.  She ended up being stupid. 

      

Starting vacation in bed! I Love Bed.

 Oh my gosh, I just came off 4 days flying, I'm pooped & have a croopy cough deep in my lungs.  Doris thinks I have pluracy, haha! 

 I made a very short Xmas letter at Kinkos on my last layover so that's done, no good picture of us together this year, so no picture card.  I did put one on the letter.  That's it for this year. Hope all my fans won't be too dissappointed, heh heh!

 Usually my letters are good. spiritual.  with a clever writer's comment thrown in.  This year, Not spiritual, just plain, straight fwd 'well made it thru another year' kinda thing.  Nothing clever.  I am Not feeling any of that & choose not to fake it.  This writer's block  will lift when I have something I NEED to write, I guess. 

 I SHould feel more grateful, I'm not a Katrina survivor, or a cancer survivor (yet...) or homeless, jobless or loveless.  I gotta snap out of it. 

 I am on vacation now!!  (have 2 measley weeks off,) Can't even be happy for that since I ALWAYS used to have the whole damn month.  At least I can rest some.  Didn't go to Curves today.  Just staying in bed coughing to death.  sheesh.  I sure got the 'poor little me's". 

 I shall go to Weight Watchers later.  Hope I lost another lb.  Boy am I a bore today. mmmmm, need a nap I guess.

 Depression....  But just on the edge of it, thank God not slogging thru the quick sand middle of it.  Not sinking, just floating.  Bouncing in & out of that twilight zone perimeter. Wait!  I think I'm coming out of it...  I'll be fine.  Now for that nap.

Gee Whiz

     Well, I'm so dissappointed.  Twice so.  My credit union will give me the loan for the RV ($15,000) but at 8.5% with $700 down, AND $300 twice a month (out of Each paycheck.)  shit.  Can't afford that.  Good GOD.  fuck. So much for that. They tried to get me to take a loan out on the house, combine the$11,000 I still owe on the PT cruiser with the $15,000 for the RV.  uhmmm, No.  Nevermind.  no second mortgages for me, I can't even afford the ONE I have.  sigh.  Wish I were rich.  Maybe people would like to buy some Arbonne I have ordered.  Yeah sure, they're all as broke as I am at American.  So that's probably not a bright idea.  whatever.

     2nd, I finally put this damn hp photo thing together & it prints but doesnt blow up pictures.  Great, just great.  All that money I spent last year for this.  Thought I could print the photos myself this year.  fuck fuck fuck.  Wonder if it's too late to take it to Office Max.  ahhh, Yes.  It's already 12/7.  geesh. 

    Im going to sleep.  Not gona stress on this tonight.  I seriously might not do ANYthing for Xmas.  I am SO Dissappointed I can't afford the RV.  It is nice.  Bed, toilet, microwave, 2 burners & fridge with airconditioner on top of roof to plug in.  Small, 19ft.  Blue comfy capt's seats.  Really nice.  Damn it.  Got to keep in perspective the poor Katrina victims that have nothing.  I got a house, car, nice girlfriend that cooks great dinners, & a job - hopefully with a pension eventually.  I'm okay.

Feeling better

     I feel better tonight.  The last 2day trip was kinda nerve-wracking because I kept thinking about Doris leaving, I wanted to cry when I spoke with the flight attendants about it.  Sharon Laughlin said this sounded like when Dana left her.  I started wondering if there is another woman she is interested in & already wants.  And she is trying to start these fights just to get out easier.  When I got back, I asked her point blank & she said no.  Later I asked her to swear to God & she swore on her Mother.  That was pretty convincing.  So I'm breathing better.  She said 'going somewhere' meant she just wanted to take a trip somewhere.  hmmm.  Okay, maybe. 

     I saw a RV on the way home from the airport tonight I liked & took Doris to see it.  We both got excited thinking about it.  Big problem tho, it's $15,000.  shit.  Oh for the good old days back when we went camping in the Poconos.  Geese, how many years ago was that, anyway?  You know of course, that I am trying to figure out in my mind if there is ANYway to get another car loan from the credit union.  I'm pathetic.

     Got the pictures back, there are so many,  I have alot of work to do.  There are NO good pics of Doris & I together.  Maybe I'll just have to forego the picturecard.  What a shame.  What ever,  things dont seem to be going all that well anyway.  And What am I going to say in the 'holiday letter'?...  Kathy & Doris are now living in total misery since she has retired...  Merry Xmas & better luck in '06 ?

     I've got to find another way to make money.  I have been feeling too insecure.  Not what I'd pictured with Doris' retirement.  I really don't know, I don't think I can become a better, nicer person.  It's horrifying, I guess I've turned into my mother.  Thank GOD I never had children.  At least I never terrified an innocent young being like I obviously do Doris.  Or maybe I have.  Davion & Nijohn sure haven't thrilled me since they've began to grow up.  Best they haven't been back since the screenhouse incident.  I could not hide my rage.

     When depression hits, it seems like all energy disolves & I just sit in a dazed frazzel.  I loose all control over being nice.  Patience is not even an idea, not a thought.  My nerves become twisted & freyed & my inner shreaking banshee (the ghost of mother past!) comes out of my being with a vengence.  She has become me.  I have become HER!  How could I have EVER let this happen, especially with all the fucking therapy (& therapists!) I've been thru?? I should just change my name to Mrs. Ruth Edith Brodrick.  Oh my God, perish the thought!

      Ah, the life of a schitzo, co-dependant, bi-polar(why not?) MPD nutcase!  Can we say "A n g e r  M a n a g e m e n t  C l a s s e s???"  Like that would even help...  Just push it all back down inside.  I need to find a way to defuse it all before "the bitch" escapes my mind & her thoughts & feelings become verbal.  She really needs masking tape across her mouth, maybe she'll stay out of trouble!  Maybe then Doris would have some peace, & so would I!

     I've been stuffing down anger with food for a few decades now.  So, Now that I'm starving to death with Weight Watchers, (yeah see- it's not MY fault) it's harder to keep the 'lid' on the ole pressure cooker.  And I really want to be skinny again.  So, lots of luck trying to keep "Mt. Vesuvious" under cover here.  Oh, God...  it all seems so impossible.

     These are all just excuses to act out, I guess.  I'm simply too old for all this.  Too tired.  I just want to be happy with Doris.  I gotta try NOT to let anyone or anything get in the way.  Especially myself.  (selves.)

    

Holiday Stress

There is just always too much to do.  The frickin' outdoor lights, the tree, get the pictures developed, pick them out, develop them put them in windows & make the photo albums, get picture xmas cards made, write the xmas letter, send it all out, clean the fucking house, get the dog groomed.  Maybe I JUST WON'T DO ANYTHING. 

I'm depressed I have to work so much, the paychecks have been cut in half as well as the vacations, I get only 2 measly weeks the end of dec instead of the whole month.  And I assure you, it will be NO vacation with so much to do, not to mention you know who coming to stay with us for the "holiday" to see his kids & mother, & act like he's NOT a deadbeat dad.  He truly makes my stomach turn, esp to watch Doris adore his looser ass so much.

     Last night we had another fight, I seem to be too much of a mean, hateful bitch to Doris & it just "makes her want to go somewhere."  Again with the threat to leave me.  I just broke down & cried because of all of the above, (didn't mention the looser son) & that it has become impossible to make her happy since she's retired.  I am becoming more & more depressed & it scares me.  But not as much as Doris' leaving...  However que sera sera. if that's what she wants to do, she probably COULD find someone easier to get along with. I can be such a bitch.  glad I'm flying out today, even tho' I'm exhausted & don't want to go anywhere.

Food Addiction on Thanksgiving

     My body seems to betray me, even tho' I am for all outward appearances well & should NOT complain.  I am grateful this Thanksgiving for many things, like the event of this holiday was delicious & fun...  with just Sis & Buddy, Keaven & Tanya, Michelle & Jasmine, Jerome, Barbara, Doris & me!  The nucleus for me - the ones easy to take & a pleasure to be with on a holiday!  And NOBODY staying here for a visit & spending the night!  Too wonderful to have even imagined!!!  Doris said, "I miss the boys, tho'."  I said, "I miss the boys when they were young."  Yeah, she said.  They (the youngest grands, Nijohn & Davian) are now 13 & 17.  Even Jasmine is 14 now.  God, time is flying by. 

     I am grateful I have now lost 18 lbs at Weight Watchers, it is hard & takes constant focus & vigilance.  But I don't feel any better yet.  Maybe I never will feel good again.  I should be more positive, but with my never-ending job (will I ever make retirement???) I remain exhausted all the time.   Just can't get enough sleep.  No rest for the weary - if not D's sisters Barbara calling at midnight or Sis calling at 0815AM (I swear to God, Doris has NO boundaries, she WON'T tell them/or anyone to call between 900am & 900pm) then it's Doris getting up, waking me up with her noisy projects.  Shit, man. 

     But, I can walk, work, talk, think, hear (kind of,)see (well sort of, my eyes are getting really bad, gotta use glasses everyday.)  But I do have glasses.  And a house.  And a job.  And a very pretty, vivacious, constantly energetic, loving girlfriend.  Yep, I'm lucky for sure.  Saw this guy today, used to be healthy & hefty, now a parapelegic in a damn wheelchair will never walk (or fuck his wife) again.  How dare I complain about being tired?  Or depressed.  Or worry my life away for no good reason?

     She wears me out, my Doris.  I try to keep up, but I fear one day I shall just keel over & maybe break.  Thanksgiving eve she kept me up & we went to NYC at midnight to drive around the big parade balloons (She always has caniption fits about getting up early & going to the fucking T'giving parade each year.  I have never done this with her, she always took her grandkids in the past,)  & she is always yearning to go to this durn parade even in the worst weather.  My compromise is now to go to the City the night before so she can see the huge ballons being blown up.  It IS amazing.  Then we drove down 5th Ave & looked at the Xmas windows, Bergdorf Goodman's being the most fabulous this year!  Then of course it's Grey's Pappya on 8thSt /6thAve for those nasty hotdogs which I have NOW also come to love.  She's always gotta have those hotdogs, every time we're in town.  We got home at 0430am.  I was broke down dead.  Crawled into the rack & passed out.....    Of course Sis called at 0830Afuckin'M.  I was up for the rest of Thanksgiving, my eyeballs about to bounce down to the floor all night. 

     But how dare I complain?  Sis cooked up a batch of fabulous, delecious, devine cusine all afternoon!  We celebrated that night at Keaven's!  It was impossible to stay on my WW diet, & I felt totally out of control today. I ate the whole plate I brought home tonight!   damn.

     I am eating pop corn most every night & drinking Lime Perrier to feel full.  It's just not enough till I feel stuffed.  We're supposed only eat until we 're full up to our breasts.  Not until we're full up to our throats.  Very hard to stop, bust high.  Pop corn helps fill the space.  And bubbly water.  Such a very deep void. 

      Maybe next year I'll get this down.  Maybe I'll loose enough weight that I'll actually start feeling better...  even good.  (What a stretch!)  Meanwhile, I'll just have to keep up my gratitude lists.  Life is not perfect, but I am afterall, okay!

Thoughts Of Yesteryear

This Lesbian's Mental Health... Written for The Lesbian Lifestyle

     Ever been drawn to someone who is not good for you?.. Oh God, those are the Worst to forget about.  And to get in touch with them is always asking for trouble.  But that's the one I think most about in the shadows of my mind on a lonely night.  Of course after indulging in her fantasy, Im always So glad I chose Another in Real Life. 

     To have dealt with her craziness any longer would have pushed me over the edge to join her insanity...  Not a path to choose for any kind of positive mental health.  I have my own demons, and clearly one of them wanted her! 

     Yet the ecstasy of remembering that dizzy, delusional night of supreme abandon - where it felt like I was returning to the core of my soul, where the fit seemed so good, where the pleasure wouldn't end had I not stopped it... - the pain of circumstance brings me back to reality as it did decades ago. 

     That night I was crashing into yet another wall of future torment and abuse.  I had given in to a destructive sexual addiction & found myself lost in the swirling abyss of crazed and demented uninhibited wanton lust.

     The force of which I had no control, was stronger than reason, a magnetic power that drew me to her and captured me, heart banging like a caged animal struggling to break loose and grab on to her.  Cunning and sexually adept, I wanted and thought I needed her.  I felt I might die without her, I surely Knew I would die With her..

     She was forbidden & I needed her to stay that way.  One day at a time, I slowly pulled myself out of my dazed stupor and reached out for help at Sexual Compulsives Anonymous.  It saved my life.  SCA...  and the careof a wonderful therapist!  All of them, Angels sent from above. I became able to get a grip & go on to lead a happy and responsible life with someone who truly loves me.

     Yet, in the stillness of an unexpected moment here she comes again, her memory sneaks back into a corner of my thoughts. I watch her pass thru that treacherous old window of time until she slips back out into the oblivion of my past.  I was on the edge of madness around her. But I was able to escape! 

     Alleluia!  For this I am always grateful. 

 

When has ANYbody ever known me to be quiet?

     Okay, here's a thought.  Many times different people would sit down by me to talk...  They have been reading my thoughts & feelings for 5 years now on our RHS_60sgrads list.  A lot have encouraged me to write because they liked the way I put words together.  But hardly any of these folks have written much of their own feelings & thoughts so I dont really know them anymore. 

     I still like them, love some of them, but here they all came to say hi, sitting down expecting brilliant discourse.  It was nice, really great they wanted a piece of me, but I found myself (much to my shock & dismay) blank, empty...  I didnt really know what to say (to many of these now strangers) that I hadn't written to them already. 

     Of course with the others that I have been personally emailing with back & forth, I had plenty to talk about.  It was just wierd to find myself sitting around people I really liked with nothing to say.  Totally odd.  And kinda embarrassing because they all expected me to be articulatingly brilliant & also to be Really Funny! 

     Well I was just nothing.  Might as well have been invisable, because my regular 'Felicia Flight Attendant' persona was gone, taking a break somewhere in the parking lot outside, I guess.  I dont know...  It sort of spooked me, this just never happens & I'm not sure I understand why it did.  Perhaps I was just overwhelmed by SO MUCH that was going on everywhere around us at all times! 

     At any rate, this is definately NOT one of the memories I recorded in my written journal they printed on the main website.  If I did, they could have written under it, "The brightly amusing Kathy Brodrick was a mute dork!" 

Oh, damn.  They found me out!  >.grin.<

An Introduction

MY Introduction:  by KMae

     Written for The Lesbian Lifestyle

     I was born in May of  '47 in Buffalo, NY & adopted in Cleveland, Ohio 3 months later.  I was raised in Dallas & Richardson, Texas...  Then moved with  my Brother & Parents to Los Angelos, California (after getting kicked out of college my Jr. year for dancing with a black student at a school dance.  It was 1968, but Texas still didnt recognize the Civil Rights Movement.  They should have been glad it was a boy! ) 

     That fall I became a Stewardess for a major airline to get to NYC to study dancing (I was born to dance!) with Luigi on Broadway, which I did until I got involved in Sex, Drugs &  Rock & Roll.  Or more like Rythmn & Blues, Soul & Disco.  Suffice it to say I blew my dancing career (which is the biggest disappointment of my life, addictions - Drugs, booze, SEX, food etc. - can seriously ruin & abort any future professional talent &  success,) but kept flying in order to support myself without having to get married. 

     In the early 70's myself & some other women started "Stewardesses For Women's Rights!"  Betty Freidan & Gloria Steinam helped us & we grew Big with women from All companies!  We changed a lot of things in the sexist airlines, but you can just never change enough.  I burned out, but many of those women went on to be our union leaders. I went on to find my true love, & it was a long search. 

     We are Flight Attendants now & I have just started my 38th year with the company, having cleaned up all drugs & booze 25 years ago.  I'm 58yrs & counting & feel it is a miracle I've survived thus far!  God, Goddess, Universe has blessed me with Doris, my beautiful partner of 24yrs whom I cherish more than anything, a little house for us to live in, a job to pay the bills & great people to fly with.  I am very happy.  

     I'd loved & lived with many men before finally coming out in my early 30's.  Imade bad choices with men & I made bad choices with women.  Not that I think being Gay is a choice.  Trying to be straight was more of a decision because it was easier in some ways, particularly back in those days.  Until I just couldn't stand it any longer, that is.  It was always like sleeping with the enemy.  Male entitlement is such a bore. 

     I have already written my "Coming Out" Chronicles, Searching for "The One" in 4 parts here, for The Lesbian Lifestyle.  It was wonderful to have the opportunity & female space in which to do so, & I don't want to repeat all that now, but it's in the archives! 

     I wish there had been something like this when I was young, but we didnt even have computers then.  I am grateful to Kelly (Ms. Goldstar Dyke) for creating such a great vehicle for us to write, share & enlighten each other.  And I appreciate all you bright Lesbians who take the time to send in your thoughts & stories.  You women rock! 

Love, Light & Peace to each of you.

KMae

 

Why I Love Reunions

 Why I Love Reunions

To the RHS Class of 65:

    Well, I fianlly had a minor epiphany this morning in church while thinking of you all & wondering why the heck I get so into these reunions.  Now don't go falling off your chairs at the mention of me going to church, heh heh!  It just so happens that my partner is a great gospel singer & I go to an all Black (CME) church & am even allowed to sing in the choir!  (Luckily they all sing way over me so that even if I bellow at the top of my lungs, nobody can really hear me in the cracks!) 

     Now I'm not preaching that anyone should go to church, in fact often times I'd just as soon stay in bed & sleep longer.  I fully believe that God, Goddess, Universe is everywhere & available to all.  Spirituality is a personal path & clearly there are many directions.  I have never found an organized religion that covers all I believe, but there is something to be said with the energy of sharing whether in a building or in an AA meeting, or in nature- my personal favorite.

   Anyway, I was thinking about what a survivor so many of us have become in life.   That is what I find most intriguing.  We are all miracles to have each gone thru our private storms, personal hells & ended up on our feet! 

    Even though many of us grew up white, privileged, pampered, entitled &/or spoiled,  [& so many others had to survive so much more, like say slavery & predjudice,]  we have still had our share of problems & pitfalls.  I find it exciting to see those I shared my childhood with (whether we really knew each other is beside the point, we were all there together one way or another.)   So when we go to our reunions I feel so glad to see how everyone is not only surviving, but flourishing & maintaining!  It is exciting & makes me happy. 

     So we are all MIRACLES & are surviving life's lessons thathave come our way!  I was wondering if anyone would care to write a few sentences, a paragraph or even more, whatever might come to you about this? 

What was one of the lowest points in your life?

What was one of the best parts of your life so far?

What was the hardest lesson to learn?

What was the best lesson you learned?

       or Anything that pops into your mind.

Thanks,

Kathy

 

Withdrawal

     I still seem to be in withdrawal from the Reunion.  I dont know why, it's been 5 days.  Maybe it's the constant rain outside, it IS rather depressing.  Summer is gone, Fall is definately here in the East & Winter is a'commin'.  Or maybe I'm just odd, I really enjoy stuff like that. 

     Mainly it was really cool to hook up (well not in the carnal sense, haha) with all the new email friends I've made thru the past 5 yrs, thanks to the RHS_60sgrads elist.  Of course it was super to see all the old kids I went to school with (& at this point we ARE ALL really OLD,) even some that weren't so kind to me in the past.

     I recognized a 'coming of full circle' at one point the last evening when I was seated next to memories of past childhood pain, & it just didn't seem to matter anymore.  Altho' it will always be part of who we Were, it now is incidental along the paths of growth that brought us to where we Are today. It had seemed personally shattering (& treacherously tragic) in my sweet, fragile 11th year of life & was always under the surface of my oozing, pubescent Jr.High/High School angst. Of course, in adulthood at 58 & 59 there is no drama & it seemed rather nice to have shared a short bygone & enjoy the moment.  Pleasant & neutral - though fleeting, the 'full circle' moment did not pass without my notice and a feeling of peace.   Growing up & old isn't all bad, bonds of harmony can be greatly calming. 

     All that blurbeled out, I'd like my point to be that my favorite times were learning more about people I never knew that well in school, & about those I email back & forth with.  It is good to share feelings without trying to impress each other & naturally find common interest &/or enlightenment. 

     Other than that, who WERE all those old farts I found myself surrounded with?  And who the HELL is that old lady staring back at me in our photos?  Yipes!  Life goes on.

920 Beechwood Dr. Richardson, Texas

     Oh my gosh!  I drove by my beautiful old house today & a "For Sale" sign was up in the front yard.  I went up the front steps & rang the bell.  Sam & Frances Crook generously let me in to look around.  Of course when I heard the sale price I knew I could never afford to buy it back.  As I began to walk thru the front hall I suddenly felt like crying.  That living room.  I used to practice the piano day in & day out there.  And we had our big birthday dinners in the dining room behind it.  Memories started flooding back.

     The den was next!  Oh my God!  Why did they paint over all that beautiful paneling & take the golden wire doors off the built in book cases?  It is now a pinkish beige den with light tan carpet.  They even painted the fireplace.  WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?  The best room in the house, & forget about it.  It's someone else's den.  And it's ruined.  BOO.

     The kitchen no longer has pink formica counters & bar.  It is brown.  Dark brown.  Now that just doesn't make sense.  The Brown den is pink & the Pink kitchen is brown.  The kitchen floor now has big, square light stone tiles.  That is nice.

     The garage is a playroom.  The back yard is quite lovely, there is a pretty pool, a carport, workshop, & the same great raised patio & built in BBQ ! 

     Now to go thru the bedrooms...  First there is still that squeak in the floor when you walk by the guest powder room.  Alan's room is white.  My room is white, AND is now an office.  WHAT??  Preposterous!  It used to be pink with beautiful pink wall paper on one side.  And it used to be so much bigger, or so I thought.  I guess because I was so much smaller 40 years ago.  Instead of carpet, there are cold, beige 2 inch tiles on both bedroom floors.  Go figure.  The bathroom separating our rooms is still that yucky green tub, toilet & tile, but now it oddly looks rather mint green & retro!  How many hours did I spend staring into the mirror over my sink praying to someday become beautiful when I would get my braces off. 

     Mother & Daddy's room now has a sliding glass door out to the pool!  That's the good news.  However, the tops of Daddy's long built in desk & the vanity in Mother's dressing room are no longer tourquoise formica.  They've been painted brown.  yuc.  Their bathroom... The exact same beige/brown tile combo, the exact same corner shower stall.  Wierd...  It felt haunted.

     As I walked around the property I was amazed at how beautiful the huge trees are!  It was all so vaguely familiar, but definately not the same.  I felt a twinge of saddness & sorrow.  I had always fantasized about buying our old house & living in it to make it a happy home, the way it should have been when we were around.  Although the outside is so much more fabulous, exquisite even - the inside is just no longer as beautiful.  Maybe that's because we're no longer there!!!  One thing for sure.  You can never really go home again.

      I'll be happy to get back to NJ, Doris & our humble, tiny abode.  That is MY home.  How could I even think otherwise?

My 40th High School Reunion Pt.3 DAY TWO

       My 40th High School Reunion  Pt. 3  

                           DAY TWO

     I was really tired the next day when I pulled myself out of bed to get to the luncheon planned at Chucks.  I was good to see Ann Love there, & Dena Merril too.  I would have really missed visiting with Ann so Im glad I went.  Kaye Dempsey Davis (she just never ages,) Margaret Steenson Filingeri (what is she, a size 4??!)  Bill & Margaret (so nice!) Stallworth Olderog (Bill is still so handsome & sweet for all you ladies that didnt make the reunion,)  Carol & Dave Frederick Covin (love them!) Dena Merril Harrison (she & her husband Michael have a big Kareoki busness going in Tx,) Ann (love her, a true sensitive soul)  & Alice Marie & John Wright Payn were all assembled & snackin' down.  It gave me a good opportunity to catch up with Alice & John & look at their wedding & honeymoon pictures!  Love is always so wonderous, better than anything else in the world!  I am so happy for them, they compliment each other perfectly!

     I'd been told that many were meeting in Bonnie's room to watch the Texas/OU game & have a few laughs.  I also heard that some of that group managed to set the alarm in Ann Upchurch Clark's room at 0645 the next day!!...  Very devious, haha!!  It wasn't me, Ann. (Ann, btw is still just exquisite!)  I know I missed a ton of Fun darn it, but I had other plans.

     Instead, I went to drive thru the old neighborhood again, I just can't seem to stay away.  The house I grew up in is 'For Sale' & I approached the front steps & boldly rang the bell!  How many times had I gone in & out of that door on dates & stood & kissed goodnight on that front porch?!  A kindly old man (he was probably a few years older than me) answered the door & let me in to look around!  I spent the next two hours in yesteryear as hiswife took me thru their home.  I have much to say about this & will send it out in a separate email.  I left truly feeling you cant go home again.  I proceeded to Dallas to check out the house I lived in thru the 5th grade.  It is so grande & Beautiful!  But most of the houses there on Glendora Ave in the Hillcrest district have been torn down & mansions have been built in their place.  Definately not My old neighborhood.  Once again it was confirmed; you can't go home again, & seriously why would I want to?

     Okay, so much for my little drive down my personal memory lane, I had to get back to dress for our Big Reunion Dinner!  I stopped by to see if I could help with the decorations but everybody had it covered & they were just finishing up!  The place looked great!  There was a board with messages from some who couldn't attend.  (This was a wonderful idea, & if any of you defer coming to the Next reunion I HIGHLY suggest you send a message for us.  It IS the least you could do!)  Better yet, be there or be square.  There were many boards with many pictures.  There was the L O N G, huge  mural of most everyone from our class.  Purple, white, & gold balloons were on the greeting table where Ann Richardson Rankin was handing out RHS65 baseball hats, a computer dvd with all of us on it, & a list of attendee's along with those wonderful yearbook picture nametags to wear! 

     I went up to change clothes.  What to wear, what to wear...  I'd brought 3 different (black shroud!) outfits & tried each one on.  Nothing really worked.  I put on a girdle to try to hold in my big gut & butt, but I pulled it off at the last moment.  Phuck that shit, love me as my bigger ole' self or just walk away, Renee'.  I settled on a sheer, beaded long tuxedo blouse & silk trousers.  To hell with it all.  I didn't have time to curl my long hair, so I pulled it back in a tight ponytale once again & told myself I looked chic.  My fingernails had broken off on my last flight, so I went with stumps, but then my nail polished bubbled up & there was no time to change that.  Who cares, I was over it by now. Enough time wasted on trying to get it together, I took my satin antique purse, walked out & slammed the door behind me.  It was my last night in town & I couldn't wait to get back to our class!

      The party was great!!  Everyone had arrived!  They all looked magnificantly beautiful!  It was so exciting!  Gwen Myer(fabulous, of course!  She now goes by Johnnye) & her handsome hubby Phil Summerson, Joe Bush (my Prince Charming from our 6th grade 'Snow White' show,) Marianna Butler Krystinik, Stan & Mary Ann Green, Lee Halford, Steve Higgins, Jim & Shan Fincher, Charles Major, Sam A. Martin, Sonny & Vickie Newsome, Judy & Jim Lawton Albert, Bob Shepard, Rick Sparks, Scotty & Lee Twitchell, Kathy & Don Warner Pederson, Barbie & George Bender Derby, Gail Thompson Peters, Ray & Sheila Zajicek, Mary Wise Thgompson, Connie & Bob Dent Rietschel, Glen Mims & Leticia, Ronnie Penix, Rosemary McCasslin Thayer, Patty & Stephen London Bonney, Carl Sherrin, (my 6th grade boyfriend) the Stringer cousins, Candy (sparkling) & Suzanne (exquisite) Linda Sims Michaels came back to us, Jim McConnell, Patricia & Frank Morris McGee, Richard & Lisa Bejcek, David & Sandy Cecil, Phil Cutts (looking so dapper, Im sure it was hard for him without Kaecie, It was hard for the rest of us too) Marilu & David Dooley Meredith & her Mom (Marilu looked resplendent!) the extremely talented & joyfull Carrell Lee Grigsby & her hubby Steve Etter, Doug Phelps (Lindyhopps online to our emailers) Linda Lisherness Hardy (just beautiful!) our Wonderful Wendall Housley, the infamously halarious Linda Chambers Rodgers & her adorable mom, Mary & James Wolff Franklin (still lookin' good after all these years,) Rosie & Sam Peterson Kartalis (damn, they look great, Rosie looks extrodinary!) Coach Broom & wife, Mr Passmore & wife, Gloria Snyder, & last but certainly not least, Leonards BEAUTIFUL mother & her friend.  God, who have I left out??  Im going blank.  Im sorry whomever I havent mentioned, & this page is only those I hadn't spoken of in my part two writing.  I was so happy to finally get to know Barbara Light Lacy (so cool!) & her adorable husband SalDe Jesus!  Barbie I miss the directory book you did last time!

     I tried to talk to as many as possible, but I didnt succeed very well.  The dinner buffet was excellent, I was starving after that crummy salad at Chucks.  After we all chowed down, visited, & yucked it up the real fun started.  First James Foos (looking really good) introduced Coach Broom telling a story about when he & friends papered Mr. Broom's house.  Then Linda Foos (she is beautiful!) introduced Mr Passmore speaking about being a school principle herself now.  But THEN Mr. Passmore got up (with a 4 inch goatee-beard looking more like a surviving beatnik/hippie than our illustrious principle) & began a hilarious monologue, going on & on, one zinger after the other, totally jubilant & visibly exultant that man Cracked us up, we were all on the floor laughing hysterically!!!  Now, did you EVER hear him make even a peep in school??  I didn't.  As John Roberts said shaking his head, he wasn't wasting it on us, he Definately wasn't wasting all that on us back then!   Wow, who knew??  Ole' Schecky Passmore was brilliant, a regular Milton Berle!  Now that was a true TREAT!!!

     After that Carrell Grigsby (Ms. Professional Photographer Johnson) directed us out into the atrium area & proceeded to take group pictures of us all, one after the other, to make a new long mural like the old one up on the wall.  Im thinking she'll put some up on our website too, maybe.  She was amazing, did all that so fast!!  No wonder she's so successful! 

      It was all so wonderful visiting with so many, if only for short increments at a time.  Slowly folks started dwindling out the door & before you knew it the clock struck midnight & workers came in & started tearing down the diningroom set ups.  Oh no, not yet!  Dena had brought her own printer & was giving out pictures she had taken of us all as souveniers, something I thought was exceptionally creative!  Crazy Ass LEOnard hung in there with me to the bitter end, till he too had to leave & hitch a ride home with Charles.  I just didnt want it to end, I just didnt want ANYone to go.  Kaye Dempsey Davis & I then migrated to the bar to join the last few straggling hold-outs:  John Roberts, Carol & Dave Covin, Patty & Stephen Bonney, Sam Martin & Doug Phelps.  Finally, they kicked us out of the frickin' BAR (oh yeah, it's Texas) so we all meandered out to the Lobby & sat there.  We just wanted the night to go on & on.  Eventually Kaye & I hugged everyone goodbye & forced ourselves into the elevator & up we went. 

     So there I was, back in my room #1509 looking at that slamming, panoramic view of the lights of Richardson in a trance.  It was finished, the party was over & I was deeply saddened.  It would have been easy to plunge into sorrow, & I began to feverishly review the happiness of the reunion so as to keep my spirits high.  So dreadful to think that we have to wait 5 more years till we're all together again.  I hope the leaders, the wonderful group that worked so hard to put this extravaganza together for us aren't suffering from post partem party depression today!   I could see how it might happened.  I began to slowly pack up my suitcases while I ran a hot, steamy bath.  I sat down & began to write what I remembered. Soon the sun would come up & I'd have to check out.  I didnt want the night to end, even sitting there alone.   Time for sleep, I'd need my wits to sit standby for a flight home on this holiday (Columbus) weekend. 

      With regret, I pulled out of the hotel & onto the Central Expressway the next afternoon.  As luck would have it, I knew the crew working my 300pm flight home & thankfully got on with a window seat, even!  The bad news:  We were delayed on the tarmac for 2 hrs before even getting in line to take off!  Not to worry, tho.  I had a whole big tablet of Richardson Hotel Paper & I would continue to work on this major epistle for my blog - as if anyone would ever want to read it.

      It was just a wonderful fun experience.  Thank you all, whomever put out all that energy to make this happen for us!! And thanks to all you grads who came.  We showed up for each other!  You are all just so swell, even the ones I might have forgotten to mention. Take care, may God watch over each one of us...  Until we meet again! 

My 40th High School Reunion pt2.

      My 40th High School Reunion,  Pt. 2 

                            DAY ONE   

     Who would have thought I'd have so much fun riding in the RHS Homecoming parade with Bonnie Wheat Chrisman on the back of a white '65 Mustang convertible?!  The rest of our classmates walked along behind,  Boy, was I ever the lucky one not having to straggle & trounce thru that little hike!  Margaret Steenson Filingeri (totally lean, high energy!) had no problem, being the champion runner that she is, but it was turning into a huff-a-thon for many of the others trying to keep up with Marilyn Tipton's (who looked great, is still so sweet & as beautiful as she ever was!  Thanks for giving up your car seat to me, M!) husband Bob Halpin driving us in his Mustang.  First Leonard ("Crazy Ass") Hough tried jumping on the back of the trunk to get a ride, but he kept sliding off with that narrow little tale of his!  haha!  Then poor Sherry Vaughn Faulkner (still so pretty & petite) got a blister & soon jumped in beside us. After that Selena Correll Cornwall leaped in with us (it was probably like another 3hr flight sprint in the back of a Super80 from DFW to LGA for her! - still one of AAL's finest!)  It was really hilarious to see the reaction of all those kids watching our class of '65 hobble along with our RHS 65 baseball caps on & altho' they were cracking up, I do think they were genuinely impressed.  As for Bonnie (who had a tiara on top of her RHS cap - is there ANYone funnier?? She is so much FUN!) & I, as well as Becky Brown Sebastian (another laugh riot!) riding shotgun - we couldnt stop laughing.  The 3 of us were quite the comedians, throwing out wisecracks about the situation like rounds from a machine gun.  We were hysterical!  Man, that was a gas!!!!

     After the parade we had a good BBQ buffet awaiting us at Linda Eppright (dang, she's still beautiful & refined!) & James Foo's church across the street from RHS, which has now been builtup AND out to look like a college campus.  Many more grads poured in as we all ran to greet each other!  Thank goodness for all those name tags with our '65 yearbook picture hanging around our necks, we would have never recognized half of those who came.  I finally got to meet many of you that I've emailed with, but had not known well in school.  It was exhilerating!  I really love you guys. 

     From there a bunch of us went across the street to the RHS Homecoming game.  The stadium was almost filled to capacity but we found about 5 empty bleachers at the very end of the "home side," enough for about 30 of us to fit in.  I couldnt believe we were sitting in our old stadium & looking at the very field many of us used to run or march on!  It was really kind of cool.  All those 'baby' Eagles down on the yard lines were hustling with all their might under those BRIGHT, beaming arena flood lights & the roaring crowds were deafening.  I watched all the kids in the stands, running back & forth, up & down, shouting to each other as they passed, looking for friends & hugging.  They were SO adorable.  Were we ever that young? 

     And my gosh, remember those mums with the purple & gold ribbon streamers we used to wear so proudly?  Thru the decades they've morphed into these gigantic creations with 3 inch white or purple stuffed little bears attatched to the big mums from which a gillion different Metalic streamers hang made of gold metal stars, metal hearts, metal letters spelling out names, jingling & jangling as the kids ran past along with really, really long ribbons flying behind all that clanging metal decoration (which as awesome as it was reminded me of those long beer can tab chains some of us used to make in college...)  (certainly not ME!! - hah!)

     The game itself seemed exciting (what do I know from football?) & I found myself jumping up & down, screaming as loud as anyone while tooting the little horn Bill Olderog gave me for the parade.  Bonnie's eardrums may never be the same.  I really couldnt believe it, I was having so much fun for someone who hates sports & was way over parades years ago.  When I first got our itenerary I thought to myself, 'what moron thought this crap up??'  Now I was thinking that person was a genious!   Of course Im sure it was the company I was with, all our classmates, still with the school spirit  including Linda Latimer fitting & looking fine in her Eaglette letter jacket! 

     Speaking of Eaglettes, I stayed for halftime (the most important part) to hear the bands & watch the drill teams.  The Eaglettes were adorable, just great, but of course our old fitted, satin uniforms & top hats looked MUCH better than the polyester crap they were wearing, & their bolero hats just looked lame.  Seriously.  Their dance routein was good, but there were only about 30 of them compared to our large drill core of the past.  One thing for sure... I'm glad we didnt have to do all those amazing jump splits they did over & over again.  Now that was impressive!  Well, times have changed:  The majority of us were still virgins back in our day, so jumping up high & landing hard in a split again & again could have easily put an end to all that!  Hah hah hah!  Just kidding. >grin!<

     After halftime I left & joined a party group over at the beautiful home of Ann, Ashley & Ken Richardson Rankin.  That was fun, looking thru annuals & catching up with the Rankins (SO welcoming & hospitable,) Tom & Shirley Prickett (Love their sense of humor,) Cheryl King Grey (what a gorgeous bundle of energy!) & her cute hubby John, & all the rest; my steam was running down by now Im sorry Im not mentioning everyone here.  Ann has decorated her home with great taste & art (esp Ken's!) & it was impecably tidy - a feat that has always escaped me, much to Doris' chagrin.  All my accumulated treasures & clothes makes our tiny house look like the bargain basement of a Salvation Army thrift shop in comparison!  One of these years I'll get around to weeding it all out.  I have to say that all the neighborhoods of Richardson are really beautiful & so nicely landscaped now.  I remember when growing up, all our houses were brand new & we started from scratch with our yards.  That community pride is still obvious there in Richardson & it's a lovely pleasure to drive thru!

     I returned to the Richardson Hotel & stopped to chat with John Roberts in the bar.  What a polite, interesting person!  He has published about 54 mystery novels & other books.  And he has had a variety of interesting past adventures to talk about.  It was great discussing how growing up in Richardson in the 50's & 60's affected us in the past & comparing it to today in the present, for him in New Mexico & for me in New Jersey.  We ran in different circles in high school, so it was good getting to know him now as an adult.  Soon Carol  & Dave Frederick Covin came to the bar & we all moved to a table & enjoyed visiting.    I didnt know Carol that well in school either, & she has turned out to be one of those magnificant late bloomers!  These were some of the smart kids & wow, did they bloom, bourgeon & transform!  I really liked Dave, he was funny & I could just see the mischief he must have gotten into when  he was little kid, he still has that twinkle in his eyes.

     What a neat day!  I didnt want it to end.  I begrudgingly pushed myself into the elevator.  Then I fell into bed exhausted.

      

Going To My 40th High School Reunion

Going To My 40th High School Reunion            by Kathy Brodrick  

     Why is it every time you go back home to a high school reunion you start feeling like a gawky, dorky teenager again?  Tomorrow I will go to my 40th class reunion & it's starting already.  I'm positive I got on the airplane (albeit huffing & puffing thru those wretched security lines) at EWR as a full-grown (yeah, all right I've padded on some poundage since 1965) adult on the brink of near senior citizenship, complete with grey hair & that frightful menopausal gutt.  But here I sit zooming over the clouds thru the sky towards DFW feeling so small & regressing by the hour back to those days of adolescent insecurity.  What shall I wear?  What will they think?  How will I look compared compared to all my schoolmates?  

      Of course I know intellectually that none of this really matters.  Im happier now than I ever was back in Richardson, Texas.  But even still, my inner lost child that teetered on the coveted cusp of coolness in the 60's is raring her teased (dare i say ratted?), sprayed, bleached - blonde flip!  With what used to be big wide, brown eyes blinking with innocence, I now sit squinting thru tri-focals & wonder what I've gotten myself into!   I've come a day early so there is plenty of time to rent a car & find my way thru the maze of highways, expressways, & toll ways that not only weren't here when I left in '68, but are delayed with slow, eeking, bumper to bumper traffic complete with total roadways closed due to construction & detours leading in circles, or at times to nowhere.  Much like parts of my life back then.   The first thing that strikes me is the BIG SKY in Texas, oh WOW!  I forgot how it just goes on forever!  Then there is the air, that sweet, wafting breeze that winds it's way thru my psyche & tugs at my heart strings reminding me that I am HOME...!  I easily find the old neighborhood, the familiar avenues, my old street Beechwood Dr. & there it is!  The house I grew up in!!  What a beautiful sight!  That gorgeous, sprawling rancher with jagged bricks & an Asian grillwork at the front steps.  Those little baby sticks my parents planted are now huge, beautiful, graceful swaying trees!  How is it possible that I only wanted to escape home when growing up here?  I always wanted to be out, going to Deuback's Skating Rink, to the movies, to the Dairy Queen, around the corner at my best friend Tina's - ANYwhere but here!  It was safe to be a kid back then, & it looks as if it is still safe around here now.  But times have changed & so it seems have people.  Or have they?  

                   To be continued tomorrow

Stream of Conscious

Well, the newest thing is trying to figure out what to wear at my upcoming 40th High School reunion.  Moo-moos & caftans are out.  haha.  Bought a black shroud today at Sears of all places.  There's not a lot I can do to hide my damn gutt sticking out .  It's embarrassing.  Drat.  Went to a Weight Watchers meeting again tonight.  I really like the meetings.  I feel like crying every time Im there.  Bawling, really.  Tomorrow I have to go out on a 3 day trip.  UGH for sure.  Hate being away from Doris that long.  Not to mention hate being on a plane that long.  yuc.  Roxie got a cute haircut yesterday & is so proud.  Doris has been walking her, much to my surprise.  She's trying to loose weight also.  She is doing a lot better than I am.  She cooked a great Salmon/grilled veggie/baked potato dinner tonight!  hmmmmmmmm. SO DAMN GOOD!!!  Im getting sleepy.  Time for Greg Furgeson.  He cracks me up.  Wow, my stream of conscious tonight is boring.  oh well.  At least Im not morose for now.  Actually I feel pretty happy.  I should not complain so much.  Im hungry, damn it.

Complaining again

     Okay, Im tired.  Been back flying over a month now.  Not picking up extra trips for overtime, so Im NOT making any money.  My accounts are dwindeling down to practically empty (like my damn gass tanks) & I just dont have the steam to do real estate.  blaa...seriously not into to that right now.  Im too pooped.

      Next month I have picked up time & am scheduled for 85 hrs, but I doubt it will be enough.  I am paying this kid $100 to pick up a weekend trip so I can go to my 40th high school reunion.  The hotel will cost over $150.  The main ticket was $100.  The car rental will be a lot for sure, but gotta have a car, I SO love to drive by my old house... over & over!!  Wierd when all I ever did was want to get the hell away from there back in the day.  I really CANT afford this trip, but you know that wont stop me.  I am informing the elist group that I'll be going as Flotilla deBarge to warn them of my girth... I KNOW they are going to be shocked to see me this way.  I need courage to go being this fat.  I have nothing cool to wear, doubt moo moos or caftans will impress anyone. 

     One great thing, I have started Weight Watchers & have lost 5 lbs (this was my 3rd week.)  This has made me happy as I am really, really trying & finally I am seeing some progress!  Nevermind that I am starving to death, here!  I am eating more vegetables than I ever thought Id even look at in this lifetime.  Boy, was I ever lucky in the 1st part of my life that I could eat anything & everything & still look great.  Menopause sucks.

Broken Computers

My gosh.  This durn contraption broke again.  Couldnt believe it, but got it back now, $90 later.  Amazing HOW MUCH I love my laptop.  Seems I couldnt use it for 2 whole weeks, that was really stressful, Gosh!  Im SO addicted to this dang computer.  Now, if ONLY I could learn how to fix it when it breaks. 

The Katrina Aftermath

     8 days have passed since Hurricane Katrina hit.  It's been SO horrible, I've felt paralyzed to write about it.  The government still hasnt done enough to help the poor, stranded people who by now have mostly been evacuated out of New Orleans to the Houston Astrodome & other warehouses. 

     It's good that at least Texas took many of them, but its still all so hideous.  The images of the insanity,  desparation & the stories are heart wrenching.  Just regular People are doing more than Bush & his administration, altho more help has been coming since he's been exposed.  What a racist bastard. 

     This country is SO divided that the Bushies are still behind him 100% saying he's been doing a great job.  I shake my head & my mouth just hangs open over that.  Many of these Bush buttlicking idiots are in my Texas high school class & I'll be seeing them at our 40th reunion next month.  Oh joy, oh rapture.  Texas Bush morons.  Other than that, they used to be great people.  sorta. 

     I should probably take the money I'll have to spend on that trip, donate it to the Red Cross & just blow them all off.  But of course, Im not that good,  I'll have to go & show everyone how fat Ive gotten...so embarrassing.  "Miss Richardson 1965" is as big as a barge.  Plus, I love a lot of them.  Oh God, this is so trivial & petty compared to real life & the Katrina Tragedy.

     Anyway, back to the sad story at hand.  Ive cried with Doris everyday watching the news coverage & Oprah had really good programs for 2 days in NO & MS.  Tears streaming,  sobbing into paper towels,  it's overwhelmingly obscene,  so wrong,  just sad, sad, sad. 

     At the very least,  it's a good way to get rid of democratic voters..

At the most it's Genocide.  Blatent. 

Im mortified,  Can not imagine that kind of hell.  It hurts so bad.  Im mad at God.

Back To Work

     Well, back on a 757 after 4 months out on the sick list.  Thought I would croak.  God I was tired, my legs were throbbing & my dogs were barkin'.  Seriously, my feet were in such pain.  This job has fucked with my body in so many ways, the 1st of which were MY FEET as far back as '68.  Sheesh.            

     I felt so fat with my huge weight gain (up to 193lbs), I could barely button my blouses not to mention zip up my trousers.  I look like fucking Humpty-Dumpty in polyester/wool navy blue.  It's so embarrassing.  I felt ashamed. 

     I couldnt sleep in my hotel bed, tossed & turned all night, got up & down trying to deal with the air conditioner that sounded like a mack truck charging thru, not to mention the frickin' ice machine was directly across the hall. Of course, everything that bothered me kept circling thru my mind. Esp that fucking, stupid doctor, guilt at getting mad at a passenger, Doris, her kids & grandkids,  having to work at all let alone with a 50% paycut, AAL management... it didnt stop.  

     Maybe got 3 hrs shut-eye. Felt angry, trapped & helpless.  Wanted to call Doris, but didnt - seeing that she happened to mention she was "going to just walk away from all this some day" a week ago. Missed her & missed home.  Thank GOD Pam & Marilyn (Parilyn) were in the back so I could go lament with them.  I'll be flying with them next month, too.  It's the only thing that is making this come-back bearable. 

     I was exhausted by the time I got back the next night. But what do you know, Doris missed me, too!!!  She was so glad to see me.  She loves me.  So why do I have to leave for her to remember this?  At least I could fall asleep in my own bed, our bed.  I was pooped.

     Today she drove me to Bellmar Beach!  It was beautiful!  There's something about the Ocean that is SO relaxing.  Doris wanted us to have a day with just she & I together!  She kept telling me she loves me.  I felt so happy.  It was such a nice day. 

     We walked the boardwalk (what gay beach?  there were very few gays,) had lunch at Mangos outside under a canopy watching the waves, sat on a boardwalk bench gazing upon that gorgeous, lazy summer beach panorama & 4 hours later sat in the car to escape the sun & heat, altho the breeze was cool & sweet. 

     We had a parking spot facing the beach at the board walk so we could people watch right from the front seat - as well as gaze on the blue horizon, the fluffy clouds, the kites, the propellar planes with messages trailing behind & the adventurers flying under a huge balloon, being pulled by a motorboat.  Small whitecaps rode the choppy waves. Wild reeds & plants swayed in the wind amongst the sand dunes with the nautral flowers & pussywillows. Seagulls called & sang to each other as they dove & soared in that fresh ocean air. 

     I was SO relaxed, so calm, so at peace. I put the seat back & fell asleep, an afternoon nap like a kitten in the sun next to my poochie.  Awoke with Doris still taking in the scene & we watched nearly naked people packing up their gear & schlepping back to their beach houses or cars.  Left when the sun was starting to set & stopped off at the Macaroni Grill for delicious grub on the way back.  A most wonderful day.  Perfect.  She really tried to show me she cares.  I love her so much.

     Of course there was the minor detail of finding out that Davion asked her to help pay his new car insurance.  She SAID she explained she couldnt, but she'd help him find out how much it will cost.  Id like to believe her.  We cant even afford our own car insurance, let alone start paying her 17yr old grandson's. I feel resentment that he is starting to ask her for so much. (Like his father always calling her asking for money until I told him to stop.)  I shall try not to panic over this, I felt grateful she had the presence of mind to actually say no... If in fact she did.  Let me Not dwell on it now, I want to bask in the memory of this beautiful day.  Going to the beach is like a mini-vacation!

Clearing Medical

Well, I finally cleared medical today!  It took forever & I had to resend the fax from my Doctor.      Call-a-Nurse NEVER answers their phone so you always have to leave recorded messages.  Which is a pain in the ass because they are the ones who clear us. 

But anyway, my Doctor has turned out to be a real priss-ass prig.  In fact I am beginning to wonder if she is trying to sabotage me. 

Yesterday she informed me she would not put in for a family leave for me because she didnt think the Shingles or the Post Herpetic Neuralgia would come back.  What, are you kidding me???  I was in shock. 

The family Leave program is where you can call crew schedule if you come down with your illness before or during a flight & they will take you off your trip.  Without it you will only accrew sick instances & after 3 of those you can get fired.  I now have 2 instances because these shingles took me out for almost 4 months.  After only a week it counts for 2 instances.  If I have to call in sick again during the calendar year from when I clear (which is today), they can try to fire me. 

Then today when I went to her office to get the report so I could refax it, I saw where she wrote that I was OVERWEIGHT (among other things.)  Now while this is definately true (she could have written Ive become a fat cow & it wouldnt have been wrong,) it has nothing to do with me returning to work from a sick leave.  Not only that, this is to AAL medical... now wouldnt you think that an airline would jump on this with it's strict weight rules (even tho' the rules are better than they used to be.) 

This is a professional that I trusted & she has just sold me out.  Or so Im feeling.  Im sad & dissappointed.  Im thinking it could be because she was Doris' Doctor first, then Doris' insurance changed & wouldnt pay for a few visits, so Doris left still owing money to Dr. Jennifer May-Ortiz.  Could she be taking this out on me?  Doris did eventually pay her bills here.  I just dont get it.

I need to find another Dr.  It's so wrong when you trust & depend on another woman, want to give a woman your business, then they stab you in the back. Like, what the HELL?  She is so young & so new, she does not have enough experience.  Im an idiot for choosing to go to her. But back then she had been always concerned & so good with Doris, so I admired & appreciated that. 

I feel discouraged. But even more, I Am pissed.  How dare she tell me the Shingles wont come back when it has for so many people, a couple of which I know personally.  Yet she fears that if she writes out a FMLA request she could be fined for lying since she doesnt believe ( since i havent had pain for 2 big weeks now) that this virus/disease wont come back. I am disgusted. 

I just hope Im not fucked with my company over this if I DO have to call in sick again.  Which of course is futile because we ALL get fucked by AAL when we call in sick.  Which is why SO MANY of us fly when deathly ill, & therefore make all our fellow flight attendants around us sick too. 

I dont understand how she turned into such a damn bitch.  Clearly it's hard to find a GOOD doctor. 

Sorry for this boring blog entry.  It is just what's on my mind.