Letting off some steam

I got really sick on my last flight.  Threw up big time in the aft lav.  The flight attendants were wonderful, told me to lie down in an enpty row of seats & one went up to FC to take over for me.  I really was so ill & dizzy.  And freezing, too.  Had blankets all over me.  Was never so happy to land in LAX.  I slept it off thru the night at the hotel & though I didn't feel good when I woke up, I was able to rally & get it together by pick up.

By the time the trip back home started I was feeling GREAT, almost manic in fact because I was so happy I no longer felt sick!  There is nothing like feeling deathly ill to appreciate feeling good when you get well.  I was HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY!

I think I know what caused it.  D & I had a big fight that morning before I went to the airport.  Found out we owe $500 on electric & gas...  D had only been paying small increments ($125 or so) of the bills that come in.  When I said you can't DO that she screamed the bills are too much, they're too much.  I just can't pay all that. 

great.

Doris retired 2 yrs ago with thousands of dollars of personal credit card debt.  She has NO intention of getting another job. When I begged her once again this day to get a job she said 'I can take in foster kids..'  I was like OH GOD, give me a break.  (This is probably the main reason I was pukeing my gutts up later at work as we all KNOW how I feel about living here with children, even if they are only visiting.) 

I said are we going to have to sell the house?  I can't work any harder than I'm doing now...  feel like I'm gona keel over with exhaustion at 60yrs I'm working so much overtime.  She said sell the house & we'll go into a Sr Citizen apt.  my heart sunk.  We have pets.  We have stuff.  We have privacy.  Apts are not private they are noisy.  You can hear thru the fucking walls, floors & ceilings.  I'm sad. 

I pay the mortgage, the phone bill, my cell bill, my car note, insurance & gas, curves & half the groceries. I just can't make any more than this. D is supposed to pay the gas & electric, the garbage pick up, cable tv, her cell, her car note, car insurance & gas, curves & half the groceries. 
I depend on her for this.  But she likes to take her sister out to eat & of course she spent that $100 on her son's bus ticket for xmas...  That could have been put to our gas/electric bill. 

And we like to eat out too much, ourselves.  That will have to stop. 

So I freaked out & got totally ill.  Hurled chunks.  It got to me.  I'm better now.  And trying not to panic. 

But I am so pissed.  And just SO dissappointed.  yeah, in her.  She doesn't communicate about these important things...  like MONEY.  Because she just doesn't care.  At 72 she has informed me that she is just not going to worry about anything.  Life will take care of itself.  Jesus Christ. Somebody HELP me!

At least we have our health.  (perhaps  not our mental health so much, ha!) 

Well, guess that's enough of a rant for now. 
shit.

A Pleasant Finale

I'm so relieved, ended up not going dancing today. 
It is so freezing.

I drug myself out of bed early to go to church with Doris on her birthday.  That way, we'd already be half way to NYC from where we live. 

The Tea Dance was at The China Club from 2:30-8:30 put on by SAGE, a big older lesbian group.  I of course agonized over what to wear since I'm heavier again.  I selected the old black velvet trouser stand by with a flowing velvet jacket covering my gut & butt & a black, velvet & silk long scarf.  So what I look rather Liza Minnilli-ish.?.. it is slimming. 

After the service, we went to Sunday dinner at John's with her brother.  That took around 2hrs, & since Doris had sung some solo's as well as regular choir singing, she was kind of tired.  Plus the Giants/Packers football game was on later.  She decided to blow the dance off since it was so damn cold, just go home, get out of her church duds, jump into bed & watch the game! 

So ALLELUIA!  Fine with me.  And a great game it was!!! 
It sounds like a boring birthday, but Doris was quite happy with it & of course all her family called with birthday wishes & she was there to talk with them.  Yea. 

Me, I got to relax, take a much needed 20 min. nap before the game & not worry about being judged by old friends & ex-lovers.  phew!  Of course I'm just so sure they wanted to see me because I'm such a fabulous person, but I feel less than beautiful being a pudge.  And I actually felt so tired with so little rest that I didn't have the energy to try to pull it off since Doris didn't feel like going any longer!

So now I'm excited!  I'm going to sleep & am so happy I won't be too exhausted to work my trip tomorrow, as well as the next 3 days afterward!  Thank you Goddess.

Yea, Movies!

Well, hell! - I was awake all night.  Couldn't sleep- wouldn't ya know?!  Shit, it sucked.  At least I didn't have to work today.

Never-the-less I got up & bought big balloons, cards & 2 dozen red roses for Doris' bday weekend.  It put a good smile on her face.

Took her to brunch at Perkins, then went to 2 very good, fun movies.  First saw Mad Money & it was much better than I'd expected!  Enjoyed it. 

Then saw Juno, which I had fought going to because of subject matter.  But it was very entertaining & I liked it a lot.  I cried.  Being adopted was my lot in the beginning of life so there was a was a good story & great acting...  Just not my story.  whatever.

BTW, last week saw Atonement (blaa- too long) & Frist Sunday (funny.)

Movies are fun!

Now tomorrow:  Doris' bday.  Oh, man.
I just don't have much money left.

Yea! I'm back home.

So, okay.  I made it thru the past 4 days just fine. Really well in fact!  I AM exhausted, but then I always am after 4 days flying in a row.  Of course, I must say that the FA's I worked with were wonderful, really SO great.  I felt fine, normal.  If that drug is still in my system then it seems to only be affecting my sleep- I am sleeping deeply & dreaming rather wildly. ha!  That is not bad, I am enjoying the deep sleep because usually I awaken every 2 0r 3 hrs to pee.  I do not look forward to that starting again! 

Now I have to get thru this weekend & pull off Doris' birthday.  Wish I had more money.  Planning on going dancing in the City & I am dreading it because I am so frickin' T I R E D and also I fear getting sick after sweating from dancing & going back out in the freezing air to get to the car & travel back to Jersey... which is what happened when we did this last time.  I am being negative I guess.  I'll have to figure out a way to turn that around.  Guess I'll just take it hour by hour & do my best.

Effexor is Not a Quick Fix

I've been somewhat depressed forever.  Being in recovery - I have 27yrs clean & dry- I have resisted taking any meds for this.  However, I finally started a course of Effexor.  I took 1 for 2 days & it rendered me catatonic.  I realize now that it takes 4days to a week for your body to adjust to it & around a month to start making a difference...

If any of you take antidepressants I would appreciate feedback.  You can email me at KMB524@aol.com if you dont want to leave a comment.

Here is part of a letter I wrote a friend who takes it, loves it & was coaching me...

           FORGET IT!  I can not function like this on the plane.  So I have today & tomorrow to TRY to get it back together again & NOT take any more effexor.   I have to be really ALERT inflight in case of emergencies or (please God no) terrorism.

 Seriously... I think if someone had a heart attack today I would just look at them, blink & stare in a stupor.  If I had to evacuate a plane I would be doing it in slo-mo. - I think everybody else's exits would be evacuated before I even get my door opened.

I just simply can not function in my world like this, I don't have the time to get accustomed to this drug.  I really wanted it when I started, but I'm thinking the universe is telling me Stop It Now! 

I have another 2-week vacation in April.  Perhaps I shall try again then.  Or not...  but probably I will.  I'm wondering & hoping that if I don't take effexor today or tomorrow will I be back to normal on tue when I have to fly again? 

I've been handling my depressions (albeit not well at times) almost 3 decades without drugs, so I'll just hang in there.  I really wanted a magic pill to make me "happier" (I actually AM a happy person most of the time, or should I say most of the day...)  I knew I should be careful about this because that is exactly what every drug addict or drunk is going for... numb the pain of life & be happy.

I actually admit I enjoyed the last 2 days laying around zonked out, not giving a shit.  I felt great abandon  & relished it because I knew I couldn't move, so what the hell... 

But I can lay around all day 'out of it' with great abandon without an antidepressant & I DO a lot.  The difference is I am laying around depressed (well, I have to take in to consideration that I am EXHAUSTED from work & cabin pressure & SO disappointed I can't afford to retire.)

But of course, then I HAVE to Rally & get up, put on makeup to  go back to work.  Then, once I'm there with so many wonderful Flight Attendants (okay about 1/3 of them are probably on antidepressants themselves!)  I actually enjoy the job, the FA's & many of the psgrs (probably many of whom are taking antidepressants, too!! ha!)

Anyway, I actually feel I would be irresponsible if I went back to work on Tue feeling like this - so out of it & dizzy.  I definitely wouldn't be any fun to work with & I'd be trying to dash around in a haze.  It does help me understand  those FA's that do take antidepressants.  I work VERY FAST & they have a hard time keeping up with me.  Now I know why. 

I know you are grateful you had the time to go thru this & come out on the other side!  I feel a bit dishonest in trying to live my life drug free (clean & dry for 27 yrs) that I took Effexor then felt SO drugged for the past 2 days.  But intellectually I recognize that depression truly is a disease & there is no sense In living with it if one doesn't have to with all the help (drugs) there is out there.

I guess I'll just continue to tough it out, at least for now...
Hey!  Did I mention this not only numbed my mind, it also numbed my APPETITE???  Damn.  I sure could have used That side effect.

It Was Okay

I just flew some horrendously LATE flights that turned into all-nighters, we were so delayed...  But the psgrs were glad we still were going & not cancelling, so they were nice after they got over the initial bitching & moaning...(which I didn't blame them as I was right in there pitching a fit!) 

But here's the great thing after being away for 3 weeks & dreading returning to work...

I flew with such nice women!  They were all SO sweet & happy to be flying with me.  Isn't that cool?  They dig me just for the quirky crazy nut I am.  Makes me feel warm. 

They told me they think I am gorgeous (ahh, not so much anymore,) that I don't look anywhere near 60yrs old (mmh, yeah I felt I looked like hammered dog shit after flying all day & night,)  that I am an urban legend at the Newark base (well, this part IS true, ha!) & they were all looking so forward to working with me because I am funny, I crack them up (yeah, that's true too,) & nobody swears as much as I do (Uhm, well THAT is not cool...) 

It was really wonderful to hear that these great, hard-working professionals like me so much!  Makes life worth while. 

They got together to have a few drinks after we'd gotten to our rooms the last night, however I did not join them - I wanted my bed!  (& it's really not that much fun to stay sober while others get loaded... esp being so tired.)  One of them told me the next day that they spent a long time talking about me & laughing till their guts hurt - each one bringing up hilarious experiences they'd had with me.  WOW!!  How really super-cool is that?!  I so appreciate them.  Wow.

It was an overwhelming welcome back.  Plus they said they'd miss me on their next trip I wouldn't be on since I traded it.  Really lovely women.  I was lucky.

Vacation's Over dang.

Well, the jig is up.
Flying out later this afternoon to lax.
Thank GOD I love everybody on the crew!
That always makes it easier.
But still,
It's always sad when vacation is over.
Esp since management took half our vacation time away after 9/11 to save money & stay out of bankruptcy. 
I should have had 4 weeks in Dec, but got only 2 weeks. 
Plus Dec is not such a vacation because of all the holiday angst. 
Still I am grateful for the break. 
I needed it!

New Year's Eve was okay.  Went to the church watch & listened to a lame visiting pastor.  It just reiterated to me that church is not great.  I need a gay church but go to that one because it is the one Doris grew up in & she loves it. 

Afterwards went to the Scotchwood Diner with Sis & Michelle for a bite.  When we finally got home we were too tired to go to the party down the street.  It was fine.  I was just SO HAPPY that we were finally home alone again, as we had dropped her moocher son off with her other son so he could help fix cars & make money.  It was glorious to have the house back to ourselves! 

In fact we spent the whole next day (Jan 1)  in BED (yeah, Happy New Year!!!) sleeping on & off until 600PM!!!  Slept the whole day away & it was so great!  Afterward we went to McDonalds & back home to bed!  Ha!  Loved it!

So yesterday Jan 2, went to Curves, took down the outside Xmas lights (always sad to do) (it was freezing, too!), made a Dr's appoint for next fri & went to Weight Watchers.  (Lost 2.6 lbs, yea!) 
At least I felt I accomplished something today.  Got my ass out of bed!  ha!

Doris had cooked a fabulous chicken,sweet potato, collard greens, wild rice & biscuit dinner & I chowed down when I got home!
Oh well....  Delicious!

Okay.  Gotta go gussie up for the job.  It's over.  Got a LOT of extra trip overtime scheduled for this month.  Will write again when I have time.  It was good to be able to write so often in Dec.  Happy January y'all.