"THIS is the forest primeval. The murmuring pines and the hemmlocks..." Longfellow

God, I LOVE the smell of a forest, esp after a hard rain!
And it had been pouring here in NJ & PA all last week.  Luckily the sump pumps kept working & the basement didn't flood!

Doris finally drove me to the Poconos today!  It's rather late, I had been begging to go all last month for the changing of the leaves, but alas people died & D sings at funerals.  Plus she went to her Arts High School reunion in Newark, which I would never complain about as I always love mine in Texas. 

So as we drove up the narrow mountain at Worthington State Park, excess rain water was still pouring off jagged high rocks, thru the woods in random waterfalls down to the Delaware Water Gap. It sounded spectacular!   It's my most favorite place ever, although with the naked trees I barely recognized it.

Still, when I stepped out on the glistening leaves all over the ground & walked the trail into a favorite spot I call the Cathedral of Pines down by the water's edge, the smell was intoxicating!  The damp moss, the black earth, pine needles, crunching of the gravel mixed with tons of yellow & orange leaves, with a gentle breeze wafting thru, water trickling thru creekbeds with the rocks catching the sunlight and the peaceful river flowing by, - Oh My GOD!  I love nature! 

I drew a deep breath & let it out slowly thru perched lips.  I did it again, trying to center my head & being. 

Doris was being very loving.  No one would ever know that when I got home from my flight well after midnight last night that she would be such a bitch to me.  We started to argue of course about her son who had called collect to say he is coming & something I feel uncomfortable about concerning a grandson whom I love, but do not agree on what is happening.  She was SCREAMing at me & I was SCREAMing at her at the top of our lungs around 0200am in the still of the night.  I'm quite sure every neighbor on the block was awakened & heard it ALL.   Not good.  Really bad.  Pretty embarrassing.  We have never done that before.  Not so that the neighbors could hear.

This crap always happens when her children/grandchildren are in the picture.  If I ever disagree about anything, we get in a fight, as she rares her back like a mother lion to protect whatever dumb shit they might be doing or that might occur.  And the holidays are practically now, so here we go again. 

One might think I would learn from experience & just shut the fuck up, try to go with the flow.  But I get these visceral reactions to what I perceive as wrong &/or even possibly illegal at times.  We come from 2 really different worlds & extremes.  What she may consider survival I could easily consider potential for trouble. 

Yet, we've made it for 25 years together.  Sometimes I really don't know how.  I would like to think it is pure love.  But when these arguments happen, & they always seem to during holidays or around family, it becomes clear she will always put them before me & that my opinion means nothing.  I always feel betrayed or unloved.  I panic that we are coming apart & think we would both be happier with someone else. 

Yet when I'm away I can barely stand it without her.  That's one good thing about my job, it makes us appreciate each other in our absence.  So imagine my surprise when I returned home & she was immediately annoyed at me.  Like I was disturbing her peace.  She knew I would get upset when she told me her son was coming & her grandson was getting mail here as if he were living with her.  And I was upset.  And tired.  And she started saying what a drag I am & she couldn't stand me.  And I told her I couldn't stand her either.  We said we made each other sick.  And started hollering at the top of our lungs.  I thought why are we together?

I didn't sleep much.  And was surprised when she woke up saying get up Poochie & get dressed so we can leave.  I said are we going somewhere?  She smiled & said didn't you want to go to the Poconos?  She was very nice to me all day.  And I was nice to her.  Love won out.  Or so it seems.  It turned out to be a good Saturday after all.   A wonderful, relaxing Saturday.  Thank you God. 

Sometimes I really wonder if I am crazy.
Or just going that way.